For Sega

Today is my anniversary.(well for the next 25 minutes it is) I bet you think I am breaking my week long fall off the nanoblowme month (or whatever the hell it is that i need to seek remotivation for) wagon to wax poetic about my beloved spouse. Well...no. Although I did empty the trash for him today. (Happy Anniversary Honey!) In reality so far our only present to each other is a hardcover bargain book about corrupt popes in history. (and our mutual giddiness about this book might explain why we are paired so well) Its been 13 years, we have two small needy children and its a damn wednesday today so I really got nothing for him here besides a little shout out of love and a half hearted promise not to kill him by the end of november (because seriously? If you are half of a dual income family and you have two small and incredibly needy children, why would you not try to WRITE A FUCKING NOVEL DURING THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER???? Because god knows the EIGHT CHILDLESS VIDEO GAME FILLED NOVEMBERS we shared before all this did not provide ample opportunity to explore this. Nope. We must find the most absolutely inconvenient stage of our family's life and then commit to setting extremely unrealistic goals about writing so we can make our family miserable for 30 days either through neglecting them or whining about not writing when we are with them) (Happy anniversary honey).

Forgive the digression. I have been gone. I am not catching up on blogs yet. I am sort of back i think though. Tonight however, i am here for Sega. Who saved our collective asses this week during a sort of surprise audit from the state. Shall I continue? Perhaps through bulletted form.

* Stardate: Monday Nov. 12, 2007:1214pm: Get the call from Lonnie Manko that begins with, "Ok dont freak out. Well...you are probably going to freak out but you need to understand this is actually a compliment." Basically, the gist was that I was selected as part of a list of folks who were VOLUNTARILY offered to the auditor for review!

* Now friends, I don't want you to be mistaken about my response. Lonnie was right. It was not only a compliment it was a total leap of freaking faith for several reasons including but not limited to the fact that my paperwork skills have been compared to those of a small nesting rodent and the fact that during the mock audit I defied all odds by not only finding all of the common auditor traps and falling right into them but also trapping myself in awkward and inappropriate monologues.

* I may have already told you this but for the above reasons, I was actively seeking ADA status for my attention disability. I was hoping this type of status would protect the agency from being shut down in case I did encounter an auditor.

* So needless to say, I completely did freak and I did what any logical person would do faced with possible scrutiny of my clinical and administrative skills. Reviewed my paperwork Studied standard of care guidelines I CLEANED MY CAR!!! And boy didn't it look spiffy at the end.

* I will spare you blow by blow descriptions of the following twenty four hours but here are some highlights.

* I broke the cord off my laptop before I could access any of the information Ive been hoarding on my hard drive that should have already been in the chart.

* I spent about forty five minutes being lambasted by Gill for my 112 dollar mistake.

* I ate a lot of bad food.

* I realized that the 13th would be the 3rd anniversary of my mother's breaking up with us. Spent time trying to figure out the half-life of the relationship to see when I could say I was "over" her. I think i have fourteen years still but i could be wrong...

* I spent time researching information about any possible injury I could inflict upon myself that would not hurt too badly but still guarantee admission into the hospital.

* I spoke to my friend Andy who offered to a) make sure our client was "not available" or b) slip the auditor some aquadots that she had bought before the recall and had not yet returned. She figured we could tell the guy that he slept through the whole session but we would keep his little "problem" a secret. Yes of course this made me feel better.

* I did review the chart. I printed out a bunch of necessary stuff. And left it at home.

* I commiserated with Sega who is so organized and auditor friendly that she was actually my personal chart manager in preparation for an audit a few years back. I was relieved to find out that she was also terrified and had indeed cleaned her car as well!

* I imagined every stupid thing I could possibly say in front of the auditor.

* I panicked for thirty minutes about the fact that the chosen case involves a client's mother who hugs me when she sees me. I like that she hugs me. I was terrified about the implications.

* I comforted myself by inflating the importance of the clean car and fantasizing about how impressed the auditor would be with my orderliness.

* I found and wore my badge. Unfortunately, it did repeatedly flip to the backside causing Andy to speculate that I was actually trying to mask a cosco card as my Employee ID.

* I slept four hours and had nightmares the entire time.

In the end, Sega was the chosen one and friends, she was a rock star. The rest of us on the list tried not to put pressure on her to convince the auditor that nobody else would need to be seen after she had done her magic. Our friend L Pow-Yung offered to tongue kiss her if she got us out of it. I did too but it was decided that I would have done it anyway and that couldn't really count as a bribe. She had a beautiful chart and answers for everything. She wooed the auditor on the ride-along and pretty much took the bullet for the team. We passed with compliments! All told, Sega was not interested in our tongue kisses and was gracious about taking the hit for us. But she did tell me she missed my blogging so friends, this one is for her!

And to further celebrate her contribution I am going to try to resume my post a day commitment. Here is the problem friends. I feel so damn guilty if I dont read all my blogs, comment on them, and reply to all of your comments. I cant keep up so I just avoid. (yeah yeah yeah its a metaphor for my life..whatever) Im going to try something new friends. Im just going to do my best to stay posted. I will try to catch up slowly on my blogs but it's going to take time. I do want to say that I don't have an order so if you see that ive not gotten to yours, don't take it personally. I just go down the list and the list is not in order! Ok thanks for your patience friends. Happy Ides of November!

Emergency Blog Post

Ok Im on borrowed time here people so this one will not be 500 words. I think Im slightly allergic to nuts. have i shared that before? We went to see the Transiberian Orchestra tonight. I had no idea. I just can't do the experience justice without the five hundred words. You folks deserve that. From the david lee roth wannabe clearly living out his eighth grade fantasy to almost being set on fire. Yes friends. You deserve that.

Its November BABY

My month people. Well not traditionally but damn it, sucktober is finally over. (Im sure i stole that word but it feels good and right). And friends, Im back with a vengeance. In an unprecedented melding of my two worlds (ok maybe there is a precedent for melding, but it sounds dramatic) Im going to join the ranks of my favorite blog general and rising blog star Ash and join NaBloPoMo! I solemnly pledge to post every day in November. Furthermore in order to satisfy the insane demands of my partner in procrastination Gill, I am also (while not joining nanowrimo as he ordered me to do) committing to trying to write five hundred words a day. People the blog world is ready for this. Im not sure how Im going to do it and it may come down to me posting the contents of my refrigerator or randomly turning on the tv and writing down whatever comes out of it, but damm it Im going to do it.

In case you are wondering that last sentence marked 173. Anyway I really do have a lot to share. I think. Lets see...what was I going to tell you folks...

Well sesame street is on right now so Ive got some stuff to throw out there. First, have you noticed that there is very little cross-over between the muppets in the skits and the muppets that actually inhabit sesame street. Elmo seems to be the one exception. And sometimes bigbird. (muppets on elmo's world are the exception as it seems to be the nether world between the street and the skits). Why is this? Like you never see Ernie and Bert running into Maria or Gordon. And the poor cookie monster (my true soul mate because of course, c is not just for cookie its for crse too!) is like a damn pariah. (Did anyone ever see the daily show expose about the cookie monster? its pee your pants funny) Ok so there is that.

Plus, drop the bricks casey (I have no idea what that means except my grandmother says it when something is obvious) i just finally realized that there is a direct correlation between what happens on the street and what happens in the skits. Man thats brilliant. But being 37 years old and on about my fourth incarnation of sesame street viewing before I caught that is probably not. Brilliant. (407! rock on crse!)

Finally, Ive noticed the adults can kind of be jerks. I never picked up on this before. Now Gina? The vet? She is still fresh. But we are currently watching an episode "on demand" (i heart on demand) where Bob not only ostracizes the elephant from the word game they are playing, (fluffy, s/he lives with oscar) but he is a bitch when Fluffy actually does understand the rules and follows them (and lets be honest, if I was an elephant, and some guy like bob was a dick in front of my trashcan and I had to fight to play the game, and I had a huge elephant trunk, Id be sore ass tempted to spray water all over him when he wanted a W word. Take that you ignorant motherfucker). (537!!!!)

Ok I hit the goal for today so you will have to wait til tomorrow to hear about how Maria brings my mother issues to the surface.
Post script to be deleted soon Im backdating this to win prizes. Dont tell anyone.