normisms

As usual, a work in progress....

(To the turnip in a very disappointed voice) "You make Elmo sad. Very very sad."

(When I asked how he was doing when he called me on his new Pirates of the caribbean phone)-"Oh just sitting here. Waiting for you to pick up the phone. Thats all."

(when we were calling to Gill and he was not answering) "I think you are gonna need your bitchy yell Mom."

(to the turnip in a very sweet voice) Are you my little penis turnip? You are my little penis! Oh yes you are! You are brother's little penis!

"I have three wishes mommy. First wish, I want the justice league to be real. Second wish, I want to be a prince. Third wish, I want to be a cavatelli"

"Thats just an old pioneer joke"

"Its all about the technology Mommy"

"Dont worry, I have the eyes of a condor"

"NO mommy. Do you hear me? P-R-T. NO"

On Kindergarten. "I dont need to go to kendragarten. I already know how to dance."
"What kind of clothes do I wear to kendragarten? Regular clothes or dance clothes?"

(A note he read aloud to me from a piece of sponge bob paper with musical notes on it): "Dear mommy, you are the best rocker mommy ever. You rock. I love you. Signed "norm" "

(after being told that he had to buy presents for other people, instead of shopping for himself) "But mommy, Christmas is about giving and sharing. You are being selfish"

"I dont want the bananas. I just want the split"

"I heard the baby crying a little later ago."

"Well we can go at twelve thirty or one thirty or any thirty you want ok?"

*"Maybe we can go see Princess Fabu (alias) today!" (insert me telling him she is in school)"Aww dammit."

* (when he is mad at me for getting him up for school). "mom Im not going to talk to you till my dying day."

* (at the cemetary while I was trying to track down my grandmother's grave stone) "mom, she is not here. She is dead. Im cold. Can we just go home please?"

* (when I asked why the teacher was doubled over and waving me inside the pool room) "I told the teacher I have a rule that I don't pee in the pool".

* (me) "where do you come up with these great ideas?" (norm) "oh I just imaginate them"

* "will somebody please carry me to the couch? I'm so tired and I feel like an old guy"

* (thanking his "girlfriend" for her birthday party) "Your party was really fun. The cake tasted really good. Oh and the ice cream tasted really good too."

* (upon seeing a sign indicating no bare feet) "That means no foots allowed."

* "It's not your birthday mommy, it's our birthday"

* "Urine? yeah I know what urine is! Its a place with a lot of buildings."

* (at calling hours as we approached the casket of my uncle's mother) "Yep she's dead allright"

* (as we are leaving a restaurant he is singing out loud..) "hit the road, jackass"


* "I dont want to wear shorts today. I want to wear longs."

* (Gill to me) "I had a harried time tonight". (norm) "I had a curly time".

*"daddy we have to have a discussion about you being a dick to mommy"

*(getting up and walking into kitchen where Gill is drinking coffee, saying in a very pleasant tone) "Good morning how are you?" (Gill replies)"How are you buddy?" (Norm in a really nasty tone) "I wasnt talking to YOU. I was talking to my GOLDFISH!"


* "do ants like coffee?"

* "Im trying very hard to turn to the ways of good"

* (when a ten year old girl smiled at him from her car) - "that girl smiled at me mommy. She must love me."

* (why do they always involve bathroom humor?) (preface this one by explaining I always use wipes to wipe him after his business, but we were out so I had to use toilet paper) "Its ok Mommy, Daddy always uses toilet paper.....OUCH MOMMY! You have to do it smooth and careful like daddy!"

*(Gill)- "Pick it up! One-Two" (Norm)- "Im going to Im going to! Don't say 3 because Im already going to."

* "Lets be evil friends."- If you know Gill, you know why this is so great.


*(me) "are you tired buddy?"
(norm) "No I just feel normal sized."

*"Mommy you shouldnt say asshole because asshole is a bad word. Instead, say oh tartar sauce"

*"this is my puppy. His name is Turnip. He eats poop sometimes."

* "Those assholes at dairy queen screwed up my order" (I had to ask what happened to tartar sauce?)

*(his friend) "I have a tv in my room that is princess pink."
(Norm) " Yes well the tv in my room is sharktooth black"

*"When we use up the baby, can we get a dog?"

*(at the drive in) "If we stay for the next movie, Im going to be cold for the rest of my life"

*(Gill)-"I dont know why Im so tired today"
(me)-"I know Im tired because I ate too much sugar."
(norm, in a sweet tone, out of the blue) "Im tired because I hate you guys"
(Gill) "Yeah buddy, hating people will make you tired. It takes a lot of energy."

*(telling the story of how the lawn mower broke) (I know. Nobody has pointed fingers yet, but I have a sick feeling about hitting a metal plug in the yard)- "There daddy was, in the middle of the yard and suddenly it squeaked and then the lawn mower broked and it didnt start nooo more"

*"Mommy is the boss but some times Daddy forgets."

*"Mommy, dont say fucker, its a bad word"

*(During an argument with his friend, picking up my cell phone)- "Im calling the police on you!"
(During same argument)- "Mommy she is really pissing me off. "

*(on the toilet one day) " Little red monster is my friend. He pushes the poop out of my butt."

*(when he had digestive problems)- "My butt puked"