Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Because what the hell else should I be doing

Yes friends. It is the 29th. (Yes friends. I have a total of four (out of approximately 44) notes written. Yes friends. Im doing a me-me. (But I will not allow my self to post it until Im done with the notes) THis is one of the best me-me's ive seen in a long time invented by none other than the perpetually prolific Gospel Bob . (Little shout out? Gospel Bob's blog ROCKS ASS. I realize I feel that way about all your blogs but seriously? His blog is so good that Ive blog-stalked him for months waiting for him just to throw a little haiku in our direction. And now friends? He is blogging more than once every three months! And he not only did his first me-me but he followed up by writing his one! Go Give Him Love. (but dont let it stop you from commenting as im feeling particularly comment needy because his me-me asks for a bit of vulnerability) If that doesnt convince you, another GB selling point is that he is married to the brilliant and beautiful Luckybuzz.)

Ok here goes the me-me!

Four First Names of Crushes I've Had: Gill. (pseudonymonously of course). Matt (first grade boyfriend). Rich (still cant talk about this after fourteen years). Eli (current pharmacist crush).

Four Pieces of Clothing I wish I still owned:
My blue fish shirt.
The pants I set on fire in my apartment on the north side.
My Jimmy Buffet shoes.
The coat I bartered away from yet another (un-named crush)

Four names I've been called at one time or another:
Pissy Crse

Four Professions I secretly Want to Try: (ok we know I have no secrets but still...)

Clown (not the scary kind) despite my disillusioning experience with clown camp.
Lawyer (Maybe you could do a take your stalkee to work day once you get settled eh GB?)
Consultant (ok i know this is what i am but in my little fantasy world, i would travel around and give funny presentations about stress reduction and stuff like that)(ok I know I do this now but infrequently. And my presentations arent that great I fear. And most of my humor in these presentations is accidental. Unfortunately.)
Stay at home Mom: Ok dont tell anyone. Im kind of embarrassed. BUt i wouldnt just stay at home. Id become obsessively involved with Norm's school.

Four Musicians I'd most want to go on a date with:

A certain banjo player on the occidental coast.
David Bowie
johnny depp (stolen directly from Luckybuzz thank you very much!)
(ok i tried to stop myself for you GB but I have so many questions about his lyrics,(and why he sold out to Lexus) I couldnt pass up the chance) Elvis Costello

Four Foods I'd rather Throw than Eat
Any meal with chunky sauce

Four Things I Like to Sniff
My boys
Anything that still has my grammy's smell on it.
Gasoline (ok i dont sniff it per se, but it reminds me of my dad)
Cigar smoke. (only certain ones though)

Four People to Tag:
Gill Smoke
Bunny ok Im cheating but Im so damn curious. Not that Im not about the rest of you mind you.
Trelvix (ok you dont HAVE to but as your "therapist" im askin real nice!)

The rest of you folks too of course. its the 31st now and no im not quite finished but i think all things considered i deserve to me-me today

why is the law and order svu er doctor chewing up the scenery?

Ok friends- just have to share a few things to purge me mind.

- Met with the woman refinancing our loans. Im not sure what transpired in the meeting because I couldnt stop staring at her breasts. In fact, I dont think any of us could. They were lovely and quite overtly featured. At first i thought she brought the girls out because she is unfortunately what my co-worker spike calls a "butterface". (i.e. everything looks good on her "butterface") (Spike is our in house link to all things urban and street. We arent sure how or why he has this information. We secretly fear that he watches Ricki lake or other trash talk shows on the sly and our "street cred" is eventually going to be traced back to trailer parks across the midwest) In retrospect, im wondering if the girl show wasnt a marketing strategy. It may have backfired though because generally my kids would have been distracting enough to compel me to sign anything to get the hell out of there. However, Norm and the turnip silently stared (along with Gill and I) for the entire half hour.

- Went for my med check today. Here is something ive been pondering all evening. If you go to your shrink and tell him that you've been inexplicably edgy and irritable as well as excessively emotional as of late, would you expect him to tweak the anti-depressants? Or boost the adderall (read CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE) another ten mgs? He said he thinks it could be related to adderrall withdrawal...hmmm... It should be an interesting ride. I want to apologize to all my RT friends right now. And warn Gill to hide the cutlery. Please.

- Before my med check, I saw my therapist (in the same office). I need social guidance here friends. In between the two sessions, I was sitting in the lobby. My therapist kept walking past. At first we smiled and commented. Then we just smiled. Then it just got damn awkward. I am fairly certain that we were both avoiding eye contact by the third or fourth pass. What is normal protocol for this sort of interaction? Alas, I fear that the real question is, Why am I so socially stunted?

Alright friends, Going to bed so Im rested for the big day tomorrow. Did I mention Gill is now playing? This is not a good thing as he's gone totally patsy ramsey on norm during soccer. I know they stress sportsmanship but Im thinking that trash talking between spouses is considered privileged communication, right?

Edited to add: Butterface is used like so. "She's a butterface. Everything looks good on her butterface (but. her. face) This would mean she's not really pretty. In the face. But her body rocks hard enough that you really might just think about swallowing your pride and leaving the lights out or getting the proverbial bag for her head!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Things that make me happy Tuesday

Let me preface this by saying that I completely suck. Im behind on blogs. Im behind on many many things. However, it just aint a tuesday anymore if I dont do Gretty's Tuesday Twelve . Many things to be happy about this week despite how bad I suck and how far behind I am.

1. My brother and his family are coming to stay the whole weekend this weekend! Good times will be had by all...(these will include but are not limited to a birthday party for my little adorable moppet of a niece, the county fair, and possibly a shopping trip).
2. I got my first Yahtzee of the summer yesterday.
3. They now have frequent soda drinker cards at Sheetz. Not only that but the Very Cute Sheetz boy that Ive been working for about six months gave me a card and punched it all out so I can get a free one right away!
4. I may be able to refinance my house and save lots of money.
5. I got reimbursed for a trip I did not think I would be reimbursed for. YAY!
6. My boss Lonnie Manko is returning from a month long training. She is of the rocking sort so this will be good.
7. First kickball game tomorrow! (I made this seven for good luck)
8. Something really good happened to Mother Fabu. It would take too long to explain.
9. Found a new game to play with Madame Fabu at the Crawford County Fair. Count the pregnant smoking ladies. Made the experience much less gruelling.
10. Its staying hot. I heart hot! (i know this is not a popular mindset)
11. Operation Kiss My Ass is starting to pay off towards the targeted family member. Ive also managed to expand this more every day. I had a particular success yesterday when a dear friend was completely at odds with me about a work issue. (not Madame Fabu. We are not ever at odds because she is my supervisor and she also listens to my opinions and explains her position in a way that makes me feel ok about issues...) Usually because she is such a dear friend, I would have apologized for my viewpoint and concurred with hers. I love her dearly and didnt want her to kiss my ass per se, but thanks to the assertiveness Ive found through Operation Kiss My Ass, I was able to remain assertive about my position despite the fact that Im pretty sure she thought I was wrong. Turns out, she is still nice to me and despite our professional differences, I think (im not positive) she wants to still be my friend!
12. My Dad rocks. No particular reason. I just cannot say that enough.

I promise I will catch up soon. Im going down my blog list (which is completely random and not in order of preference) and reading a bit at a time!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Because Im a gretty groupie

Im going to convert this thursday thirteen to a tuesday twelve sheerly out of love for the gret Twelve things (ok yeah i could come up with thirteen but its gretty here and good groupies are consistent groupies) Im extremely happy about this week. Warning the list will include but not be limited to the fantastic and surprisingly low key birthday i had yesterday.

1. The best birthday present I think Ive ever gotten. (courtesy of my artiste friend gretty)
(Bear with my sorry attempts to capture this on film)

2. Gill got me a snazzy new printer/copier/scanner/fax machine HOOKED UP RIGHT TO MY LAPTOP! Now all i need is the catheter and ill never leave this chair again.

3. Kickball season starts wednesday and I set my first official work boundary by rescheduling my supervision group despite the fact that not every single person could be accomodated. Usually I would apologize profusely and/or sacrifice my own plans to do the group but with the support and encouragement of madame fabu (just one of the many reasons she has this name!) I did not do this and people are going to have to deal with it. Go me!

4. The lusciously lovely Luckybuzz sent me this and I clearly need to add it to my page somehow.

5. LB and her husband the gorgeously goofy Gospel Bob as well as several other people including my little facebook contingency ( Terrifically tantalizing Trix! My own spider monkey song! You have no idea what that means to me!) made special birthday wishes that melted my heart and made me happy! (gospel bob, i hope you are blog stalking me. If you aren't its ok. Ill just pretend you are silently stalking and not leaving comments!)

6. Best birthday song performance goes out to Lucy and the Lucettes(the adorable little moppets that are my nieces) for the birthday song message of a lifetime. You guys are all rockstars!

7. Going to the crawford county fair with the Fabus this weekend! (note to Lucy, playing "there's your boyfriend/girlfriend" in Crawford County is like playing it at Rogers. Its just too damn easy)

8. Whenever Im down?

I simply cross dress my baby and life just feels better*

9. We are in the midst of another wave of birthdays. Yesterday, was also my dearest friend and birthday buddy C-no's fortieth birthday. Our friend Lainie is on the 26th. Luckybuzz is the 31st. My oldest little adorable moppet/niece (who needs a good nickname) is September 1st, both Gospel Bob and the fabulously beautiful and brilliant Feather share September 14th, and Princess Fabu and my cousin Larry are the 15th. Bring on da noise bring on da ugly season!

10. Im still making my bed.

11. Ive spun most of my fall schedules into a believable set of lies. (again go me!)

12. Awww! Just when I was struggling for number 12 my brother just called to wish me a happy birthday! As the guy with the tangerine lipgloss says "Im one lucky gal".

Thanks for indulging me friends.

*Note: in my defense, he actually chose the outfit himself. (also you can see parts of princess fabu in the background if you look carefully!)

Monday, August 20, 2007

Live Blog Monday

Good morning friends! Its raining here. I realize this is not a popular sentiment but I LOVE rainy mondays when im not in the field. (otherwise they completely suck, well no more than any other rainy day in the field really) And what would be better on a rainy monday than yet another attempt at a live blog? (which of course will probably be aborted due to my tendency to NEVER follow through on live blogging) So here we go (in the random slashes of crap style you've become accustomed to here!)

- I ate my cereal with a damaged spoon today. I do not know how the spoon got damaged. It kind of makes me sad about myself that I allowed the spoon to continue to scratching my tongue because i was too lazy to get up and get a new one.

-I lost my cell-phone.

- (mini- post ahead:) Did I tell you we got a land line? It was meant for the sole purpose of faxing . But when the folks came to set it up we needed an actual phone. The cheapest phone I found was a Pirates of the Caribbean corded phone. Thus, Norm's private line was born. Not to taunt the lost fans of normtasia (we've been pressuring him to return. He says he will start again any day now) but the only thing more adorable than norm blogging is norm on the phone. Particularly leaving messages. (If you want a phone message from norm send an email to my address with your number. Or go to We thought this would help him learn numbers as well as phone manners. Interestinly, the bill collectors have found my listing and call him. Being that we've disavowed the phone, we let him handle these calls. Its awesome because he does not bother covering the phone and he hollers "Mom its the people who want to take all your money, what do i tell them?" and we say "whatever you like". ANd he tells them that they should put us on the do not call list. (props to gretty for perpetuating another generation of entitled credit abusers in our family!)

- Ok I need to work on the School Packets That Will Not Die. Ill be back...

ok 5:05pm

- While the honey mustard pringles are exciting to have, I really need to stop drinking the cans. I should not be capable of eating an entire can of pringles in one sitting. In twenty minutes. Im beginning to think the "limited time only" thing might be for the best as today is the first day I did not drink a can since Ive gotten them.

-Its tomato season here. Fresh off the vine tomatos grown in my dad's garden. Its freaking nirvana.

- The spoon thing really did not work out well as my tongue has been all cut up today.

- For the record, I did not get team pestilence. We are...the ballistics. Im trying to get past it. Rumor has it we have these awesome deep purple shirts. That helps.

ok here is one update anyway. Maybe there will even be another soon!

Saturday, August 18, 2007

So this pig walks into a bar....

Well friends, Im happy to report that the week has completely turned around and Im once again riding the lazy river of denial and hope! So here is something interesting/odd/slightly uncomfortable/embarrassing to share. We are going to a pig roast tonight. Now, Ive heard about pig roasts before and we've been invited to this one for the last four years, but this is the very first time that Im faced with actually attending one. The party is hosted by one of the owners of Gill's company who seems to be a totally fun guy who by all indications throws a hell of a shindig. (We always blew it off in the past because we had other things going on) Somehow, I guess I never really played the tape through about what is actually going to happen at this event. And now, Im kind of horrified. So all week long, these sort of disturbing thoughts about the roast have been floating around the edges of my conscious mind. Like on the invitation, there is a thank you to the woman who raised and provided the pig. Um...Fern?? Where are you because I think Wilbur is in some big damn trouble right now. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Its not like I was holding on to an image of the pig up on a stage like flavor-flav with all the pigs friends telling jokes. Still, over the last day or so, it occurred to me as Im looking at books with the turnip, asking him what sound the pig makes, how are the kids going to feel when they see a whole charred pig? How am I going to feel? How can i eat, or let my babies eat something after we all clearly saw that it was bigger than any one of us individually? The whole experience smacks of cannibalism to me. The execution of Joan of Arc is also coming to mind a lot. I mean I tried vegetarianism and couldnt take it, but I am firm about wanting to be as far away as possible from any knowledge of my meat as an animal. (for instance, where do hamburgers come from? Why the freezer of course) Its shallow cruelty i know, (I am working towards a more healthy approach and gradually trying to add cruelty free meat to our diets)(admittedly, gradual in the sense that im still buying the happy eggs and have asked my friend Feather about good places to buy happy meat) but its how i roll. So as the party draws closer, Im feeling less and less festive and more like Im heading into a scene straight out of lord of the flies.

Speaking of the flavor-flav roast,Im a little concerned about carrot top. He appears to have some defensiveness issues. I was really afraid he was going to go off during the show. Im researching this further. I will keep you posted. (but no i am not going to explain how i ended up watching the flavor-flav roast. Some things just..happen)

In positive news, someone mailed my driver's license back to me this week. I took it as the universe telling me to lose the morose attitude. Ok thats what i got.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

wtf wednesday

Let me preface this by letting you all know that I believe I may be back to operational levels again and am committed to providing the aimless drivel you've become accustomed to here at chez panflutemaster. Having said that, I must tell you, this is a totally WHAT THE FUCK wednesday post.

Now allow me to offer that I appear to have gone through some sort of personality transformation. I am tracing it back to "Operation: Kiss My Ass". OKMA was meant to be a discrete project with the focus on one specific individual. The project's goal? Was to let said individual know in socially acceptable ways that she really could just KISS MY ASS. Planning stages lasted several weeks and implementation process started this past Monday night. Im not sure if it was the headiness of my immediate (and pettily gratifying) success with OMKA that spurred me to generalize, but I can tell you that Ive become one bad mothafucka (in my mind at least)these last few days. Ok now on to the what the fuck wed.

So one of my work stressors today was the need to send four large faxes (do they call faxes large?) from a satellite office of my organization. Simple enough? One would think. However two factors complicated this task. First, my department is not what you'd call.... well thought of.... throughout the health system. In fact, it would be safe to say that if one is looking at the organization as a microcosm of society, our department would be the pariah. We annoy others just by being. (And yes, in case you are wondering, this pisses us off greatly.) At this particular satellite office, eleven of us are forced to meet once a week in a glorified closet. The kind and empathic mental health professionals and staff that work there are not shy about public shaming and scolding us for oozing out of the closet into their world. Now pre-OKMA Crse has been worried about this aspect of the task for over a week because, (allowing us to segue* nicely into the second complicating factor) while i do have many talents friends? Most of them do not tend to involve anything to do with organization or paper or the ability to pay attention to directions given by mean rude people. Thus, this task was a point of dread all day long.

It started simply enough with the ONLY nice secretary in the whole office offering to help. Unfortunately between the antiquated machine, my ADD kicking up when she was explaining what to do and a consistent series of busy signals, a task that I thought would take a few minutes lasted over a half an hour.

During this half hour my only friend was gracious and did not act annoyed from having to explain everything five times. However her SOLE OFFICE MATE sighed heavily, made pointed comments about "needing to work" in my area and emanated a general bitchiness about having to share space. Friends, OKMA Crse was starting to kick in at that point. I spent several minutes staring at the fax machine imagining the scathing tirade I would unleash upon her once I grew some ovaries. All this indicates an upcoming WTF yes? Well friends, i was not to be disappointed. As a third person entered the office (a MENTAL HEALTH THERAPIST) the sighs were punctuated by pointedly annoyed commiserating comments between sole office mate and hell therapist. (bear in mind friends there are FOUR of us in the entire office, which is yes, bigger than the closet we stuff our leper stricken asses into every week) Im getting more and more bitter but would have seriously left without saying anything. Until....

ok friends, social skills quiz time. If someone you don't know is facing the other way and you want to begin a conversation with them do you
a) say "excuse me, we havent met"
b) tap the person gently or move into their line of vision and make eye contact to subtly cue that you want to begin a conversation or
c) Start a sentence talking to a person's back.

Apparently mental health therapists choose c.
"Ummmmmm maybe you could talk to your supervisor" (me not turning around, not quite believing that she is so socially inept that she thinks this is an ok way to address someone, particularly a co-worker)"(insert supervisors name here)". I turn around and incredulously say, "pardon me?" (OKMA crse to the rescue) She repeats "Maybe you could talk to your supervisor about getting a fax machine back in that office you guys use". I stare at her as if she is spewing live rats from her nostrils. "Do you need to fax something? I can wait to finish" I say with strained over politeness. "well no...its just because the space here is so small" (I may have guffawed quietly at that point. Im fairly certain I did the poorly disguised eye roll) "and well its not convenient for any of us." In response to my shocked (ok and deliberately prolonged) silence her voice becomes a little panicky as she apparently finally realizes that she has committed a grievous faux pas "and well Im sure you would prefer that too...."

EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME MARIE ANTOINETTE. We will just go order us up some faxes. Because they've clearly accomodated us so much by STICKING US IN A DAMN CLOSET! WITH FOUR CHAIRS! And if you get there early? you MAY get a box. Otherwise you are on the floor for the next hour. Great idea your majesty. Faxes for everyone. And RAISES!!! Because we sure as hell dont want to upset your ten square feet of free space per person ratio up here! Hey maybe when they actually BUY US SOME FUCKING CHAIRS we can mention the fax machine! Although we wouldnt be able to hook it up to the COMMODORE 64 computer THAT DOES NOT PRINT or the hacked up phone line that only dials out sporadically...... yeah.... thats what i should have said.

Instead, I offered a mirthless laugh and said sarcastically "I know this is horrible for you but we've already asked the hospital for assistance and since they are not prepared to offer actual physical space or even chairs for our closet, Im going to surmise that our own fax machine is not in the foreseeable future." Big fake smile. "Im sorry this is so inconvenient". Her empathy abound (oh i did enjoy making her squirm) she says "oh and for you too. Im sure.". At that point, I explain that Im going to buy my own fax with my next paycheck. She says "well you should give the bill to the hospital". And friends I reached for my OKMA attitude and there it was waiting for me. I laughed derisively and rolled my eyes. It was my own non verbal Whatevvv. And damn it, it felt GOOD. Later, I realized that I was probably the only person from our department ever to send a fax from there. And i did it once. Today.

Man as I re-read this, I realize it is kind of a feeble kiss my ass story. Rome wasnt built in a day my friends and for me, this sad little act of assertion represents the first time in my life that Ive actively chosen to assert myself in an unfamiliar social situation. And what a better time to do it than on a wtf wednesday!

*Moe, the use of the word segue was for you baby!

Edited to add: Stolen from the greek goddess of blogging Canada. I guess I have been known to unleash a little unholy wrath here and there

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Turnaround Tuesday

I am from this point forward pledging myself to Gretty's Tuesday Twelve which (perhaps unofficially) consists of listing twelve life brightening thoughts. (dont worry, i wont get all rainbow brite on you folks) The last 24 hours have completely restored my faith in myself and humanity (or at least my own ability to grab humanity by the asshairs and whip it down like the he-bitch it is.)

It was really just the little things. Finding out a big administrative clusterfuck was not going to be that way at all.

Cornering two supervisees who have been behaving in a slimy way and watching them squirm in the glare of my righteous fist of fury. (well at least it was like that in my mind)

Avoiding not one but two scary principal conversations while still getting results. Even better getting a KINDLY message (oh I said Kindly) from the one principal who only ten short months ago was consistently unable to hide the fact that he viewed me and my kind with abject loathing. Not only was it kindly? BUT HE RAN OUT OF TIME! It was rambly! On the one hand, I need to clarify that the relationship shift is a direct result of my concerted efforts to kiss his ass and pretend that i didnt notice his contempt every self deprecating demoralizing week of this ten month span, so this milestone is not a complete miracle. What is amazing to me is the fact that it only took me ten months. Ive had to do the dance of demoralizing self-deprecation for YEARS on people not nearly as openly hostile as he was, only to get them to admit that they knew who i was in meetings, let alone acknowledge that I had anything helpful to add. A phone call? After ten months? Shhhwinnnggggg!

I learned to double side copy.

I got a really really cheap iced tea.

I had a lovely dinner with the Fabuwomen.

Gill cleaned the house and mowed the front lawn while we were gone.

All that and as we speak Im making a case for TEAM PESTILENCE (thank you m. boucher!)

So viva la tuesday twelve!

Emergency Call For Action

Friends, kickball registration is tomorrow. I need your help. The popular sentiment is leaning towards the "kickballistics". As you may have read, it just doesn't seem to fit what we are going for. Im down on the wire here (although I heard an echo of across town support for "Team Animosity") We are looking for something that says we are of above average intelligence and you should be very afraid of how we are going to maim you on the field. Something smart, but not too obscure. And something that shows focused outward aggression. In an intelligent way. Friends, the time to act is now. If not you, then who? If not now, then when?

Monday, August 13, 2007

Smile dickhead (Stolen from Gretty)

Because she made me laugh out loud a few times today, I am going to follow her lead and make a list of twelve happiness things. Gret did things that have made her smile lately but since I havent been smiling or laughing too much, I figured I was best focusing on just things that have great potential to make me happy.

1. We have cheese in the house and I dont think I bounced any checks obtaining the cheese.
2. Listening to Norm on his new telephone line, calling people and leaving messages. (LB I almost peed myself when he told you about going to first the "dry park and then the water park")Even better, listening to him handle sales calls.
3. Watching the turnip run onto the practice field during Norm's first soccer practice.
4. Watching my little brother coach eleven five year olds.
5. Seeing same brother smile when I gave him a cheap ass and goofy birthday present today because it brought back funny memories.
6. Having a friend wonderful enough to remove my screaming baby from the sporting goods store so I could complete my transaction. Thank you Gretty. I love you!
7. Knowing that the boys and i are going to spend the evening with the fantastic female fabus tomorrow night.
8. Finding chunks of ice in the drink cooler and knowing for a fact that Gill chipped them directly from the freezer in the garage. Who does that? Why does it crack me up so much?
9. Kickball registration! (and the possibility that i talked the team into something more aggressive than the kickballistics, which granted is clever, but does not strike fear in the hearts of our opponents!)
10. Sheetz is adding an espresso bar to the store by Gill's work. This could mean that they will expand the espresso bar option to the sheetz closer to my house! (whoohoooo)
11. Facing the first awkward situation of pain today (in one instance) and feeling like I came out on top, looking gracious and not slightly needy or submissive. Go me. I think.
12. My blogfriends. (cheesy heart out to all of you!)

Thanks for your patience as we slowly return to our regularly scheduled absurdities.

Personal Hell Update (warning: deep thoughts ahead)

Well friends, it is Monday morning, 730. I did not interact with anyone this weekend except my boys and gretty. (well I did some texting and actually cleared up a small problem but Im not counting that) I slept a whole. freaking. lot. I threw myself head first into the world of facebook. My heart does not feel so battered this morning although I still do not want to face the world at all yet.

But Ive been thinking a lot about the past week and what I've learned. This actually comes directly from the delightfully thought-provoking ms. trix who, in her myquestion section yesterday asked "what have you learned so far today?" Im not sure I answered but I did sit there for a long time trying to think about what i'd learned in the hour and a half I was awake. I learned we were completely out of cheese slices and that the toilet paper was dangerously low. I learned that my theory about my side of the bed being crippling was correct. I learned that if you take very cold waffles and dip them in syrup they will taste disgusting. Being that the first answer to her question was much more profound, I didn't think any of those would be suitable.

But the "what have I learned?" thought spurred me to think about the week. During the week, I kept thinking "what is my lesson here?" and all I could come up with was "trust no-one. People completely suck." Around 4am this morning, I woke up (well because Id slept for about 18 of the past 24 hours) with a line from Muppets take Manhatten stuck in my head. (For the record, my favorite of their work is Great Muppet Caper) It's Pete the restaurantier saying to Kermit (courtesy of IMDB) "Peoples is peoples. No is buildings. Is tomatoes, huh? Is peoples, is dancing, is music, is potatoes. So, peoples is peoples. Okay?" Know what I mean?

And I started thinking about how in my life, people have consistently inflicted upon me different levels of the same hurts they had at one time or another described as wounding them. I don't think it's just me. And Im not entirely sure it's conscious. Im not just talking about the asswipe division of humanity, but they are included. So why is our mistreatment of others almost exactly what we hurt us the most? I don't mean all the time. Im personally trying to look back and see where this applies in my life. Needless to say, I am currently lacking the insight to identify this in myself right now. Ill be quizzing Gill about this later (and RT friends feel free to jump in if you have seen me do this. I really do want the insight). Im not saying I havent been crappy to other people, but when I think back on my crappiness, its generally not stuff that wounded me to the quick when it happened to me. Anyway, I just noticed a trend.

I remember my mother telling us (in one of the few sane moments before she transitioned from just being a crappy mother to being a malicious bitch) that if she ever became like her father, she wanted us to tell her. When we did try to tell her, post transition, she would not hear it. Granted, she does fall into the asswipe category, but I always wondered why she didn't want to believe it happened when she apparently thought she could stop it. My biggest fear is that I will turn out like her too. Will I be able to hear it, if one of my brothers tell me? I think so. That's why Im in therapy.

As I fell asleep at 430am, I started dreaming about my first job. I may or may not have mentioned this job before but of all the jobs Ive had, this is the one I dream of the most. In the dream, its always the same. I have my master's degree but can't get anyone to replace me so I have to keep working there. And it was a nightmare. The whole time I worked there was a nightmare. I made lots of friends and developed some mad flirting skillz there but the work part was a nightmare. (Interestingly, I just referred back to this time on super-cool Lina's blog in response to her post about power.) (yes, Im still working on that post, but Ive not been feeling as powerful lately so Im waiting for a "how crse got her groove back" inspiration to get me going)

Now that I think about it, that was one of the first times I learned to hone my personal power.It was years later that I realized how much power I wielded in that crappy job because at that point in my life I felt completely and utterly unworthy and powerless. Ive got to save that for the power post. But perhaps thats why I had the dream. Because I just realized, I did lose my power. Nobody took it from me, but I completely lost it. And I don't feel good about myself at all. All of the feelings from that time in my life have been coming to the surface this week. (this could be largely due to the fact that the asswipe situation largely mirrors a pattern I grew up with and Im powerless to help just like I was powerless to prevent back then)Im not quite sure what to do with them. And I think that the lesson the brilliant Ms. Trix inspired me to contemplate is in what Im supposed to do with all of this. Except I dont exactly know how to get to a place of strength again. Which makes it interesting as a personal journey because the individual incidents have already started to fade in my mind but the feelings of being weak stupid ugly unworthy and unpleasant to be around are not. Towards the end of the week, I found myself apologizing for things over which i had no control or influence. In retrospect, I was apologizing for being myself.

I wanted to wrap this up with something profound and hopeful but Im naked, the turnip just woke up and appears to be loudly arguing with himself in his crib and gret will be here in a few minutes. So, Ill be back later in the day and I will continue to work on my inner wilt (if you will bear with me).

Thursday, August 09, 2007

There is no fucking rainbow

So as Im sitting in the bathroom of my favorite sheetz this evening, a wave of sadness washed over me. I am not sure where it came from but suddenly I knew exactly what Judy Garland meant when she made that observation while throwing all that lawn furniture into the swimming pool.

Most of the time, Im pretty optimistic. I think the world is a good and beautiful place. I believe in the ultimate goodness of all human beings (even if that goodness is nestled way down under a whole mess of hurt) I trust people to be honorable. I believe that everyone is trying their best.

At 5:20pm, in my beloved pachouli (sp) scented sheetz bathroom (pachouli (sp) you ask? I know! I too am often pleasantly surprised by the delightful aroma)it occurred to me that I have zero evidence that any of this is true. In fact, it hit me like a ton of bricks. So much so that I actually wandered out of the bathroom clutching an empty toilet paper roll because I forgot I was not at home protecting tp from a opportunistic and far too creative two year old. Most of my daily experiences offer substantial evidence to the contrary. The world is a shit sandwich. People trying their best are really only looking out for their own best interest. People pick and choose what they are honorable about. You show me any person who is high and mighty about their own altruism and I will show you the same person being shitty in other ways. Because I really just don't believe that people are that good anymore. Not in general anyway.

I say this with great respect and deference to my gentle readers who i certainly hold in great esteem. This is my whiny "why do I even fucking bother getting out of my bed in the morning?" post. Well, besides to attempt to protect my two precious babies from the imminent taint of this cruel sick world. Admittedly, my current sense of hopelessness is most likely compounded by the fact that for the past three hours my household dynamic bears more than a slight resemblance to the Jean Paul Sartre play "No Exit". If I were not experiencing it personally, I might be amused by the way the three of them are consistently pissing each other off tonight. Instead Im sitting here nursing a headache that seems to accompany my seriously shattered illusions.

You know what though friends? The beautiful thing about the human spirit is our amazing ability to deny and forget. It might take a few days or weeks for my pollyanna outlook to come back but it always does. Ill forget the 5:20 feeling that I would never feel good about another human being for the rest of my life. The moon will look beautiful. Faces will shine for me again. Someone's best efforts will make me cry with amazement. Ill go back to expecting a new possibility for joy around every corner.

And maybe next time Im in that sheetz bathroom, I wont be clenched up inside because my job involves convincing a ten year old boy that his mother does not care about him without having to say the words to him. And that it needs to be my job because until he understands that, he will not be able to heal.

And if not, at least Ill have the pachouli (sp).

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The direct correlation between my procrastination and my increased blog posting

Or Random Slashes Of the Insomniacal Mind if you prefer:

- Yesterday was a very sad tuesday. I would say it was the saddest tuesday Id ever had but my Grammy died on a tuesday so that is a trump right there. Yesterday was sad in a ridiculous way. Thankfully i have soul friends like Luckybuzz to see me through and share her own angst (which is way less ridiculous considering she is moving across the country as we speak)

- Speaking of LB, here is my favorite line of the weekend. "You want to know if sex with her was bad? Sex with her was so bad its the only time I ever said 'You guys go ahead and finish on your own. Im going to bed.'" (how many times were there that you didnt have to say it LB? wakawakawaka! wiggling my eyebrows suggestively at her)

- I think ive found the trigger for the early rising. Time release on the adderall. I know that this is probably a big fat duh for most of you. Sometimes it takes a while for me to develop insight . In both the ways of pharmaceuticals and the ways of the world.

- I also think my general inability to focus may be largely due to the fact that im fairly certain i get little if any REM sleep. You all know I wake up several times a night. Again, never made the leap.

- Here is one of the many reasons I love my darling Gill . He doesnt believe its all aderall related and thinks i cannot relax. Which is interesting considering how lazy I am. So he is giving me meditation advice and he is reminding me things like empty your mind. "so you are breathing and a thought comes into your head like "why is crse such a big asshole? You breathe and let it go." Turned out I misheard the name and it applied but that was pretty damn funny.

-And another reason for devotion. During the instruction he shared with me that he is currently listening to a prolonged ringtone on his Ipod to help him relax. How do you not want to spend forever with a man whose Ipod contains podcasts from organizational specialists, buddhist lectures, the hour of slack and ringtones?

-Sadly after about thirty seconds the ringtone became less relaxing and more like a trigger for a psychotic break. But hey, thats just me.

- I am going to sit in a hot house with an overbearing German woman who is suspect in her own cleaning and grooming. That is the first thing I am doing today. I will probably be there for several hours. I tell you this because although i havent bathed since monday, I cannot find the motivation to do so because i will clearly stink by the time I leave her. Its unavoidable. Did I mention she also cooks things like hotdog and califlower goulash?

- My favorite across the pond correspondent Lina wrote an interesting post about sexual power today. It really got me thinking. I think I may blog about this. Ive noticed some doubt being cast on my own personal power recently. Gret and I have talked about this and we are not sure where it came from. I plan to explore this further. Because it may surprise you to know this? But I think Im pretty darn powerful.

-Ive come to realize that in terms of child rearing, Norm responds best to positive reinforcement and turnip responds best to physical restraint.

Ok I feel the report inspiration coming upon me.......yes....right after i eat some cereal and check out CNN.

fulfilling my bloggerly duties

This is so late and I am ashamed. Thankfully the entertaining and somewhat more responsible Ms. Trix triggered this because she just did it on her blog. My guilty pleasure blog friend Bunny tagged me for this as well. Cant star yours though ms. bunny because that was some mad alliterating baby.

It’s very simple. When this is passed on to you, copy the whole thing, skim the list and put a * star beside those that you like. (Check out especially the * starred ones.)
Add the next number (1. 2. 3. 4. 5., etc.) and write your own blogging tip for other bloggers. Try to make your tip general.

After that, tag 10 other people. Link love some friends!

Just think– if 10 people start this, the 10 people pass it onto another 10 people, you have 100 links already!

1. Look, read, and learn. *****-
2. Be, EXCELLENT to each other. *****-
3. Don’t let money change ya! ****-
4. Always reply to your comments.**-
5. Develop your own "voice" don't "borrow" someone else's***-Mizmouthy
6. Always avoid awesomely annoying and aggravating alliteration. Bunny
7. Read your posts, not only for errors but for tone. Especially on controversial topics. Crse

ok i tag you! (sorry stealing trixie's cheat on this!)

Sunday, August 05, 2007

At least im consistent

If given the choice of taking advantage of a quiet house knowing i have to completely make shit up improvise a report by 9am tomorrow, will i a) eagerly forge ahead on the report, regardless of the fact that I CANT FIND THE DAMN DATA? or will i b) Decide to read the "words of the day" in the urban dictionary all the way back to january?
As if you needed an actual answer:
obvi im just slackalackin tonight. Standard. but dont worry this treewear gonna be sobangbang its out the cuts bro.

From Happy to Crappy

No, Im not feeling crappy but it had a nice ring to it so I went with it. And this is not a post about shit (sorry to disappoint my more fecally oriented friends). Its about people who go crappy on you.

Why do crazy people "get away" with so much? Im not talking mental health consumers here who've actually sought out help. Im talking about how there is always that ONE person in every family or work environment (Madame Fabu, you know of whom I speak) who turns everything to crap. Seriously? Im talking about every asswipe (male or female) that makes your stomach sink when you know you have to see them. If you know much about the clinicality of the social being, you would define them as "personality disorders" or "Axis II". Now dont confuse this with people you might be pissed off at. Im generally pissed off at a lot of people who are not asswipes per se. But Ive noticed that I tend to get pissed off at non-asswipes that I don't know very well. If I know you well? And you are my people? I can put a positive spin on every thing you do. (I learned this lesson the hard way after jeopardizing friendships and being a jerk because I was so sure i was "right" and "being wronged" but I digress. And because I often inadvertently do crappy things to my friends and they never even call me on it) So get any random objects of your pissed-offness out of your head while you identify. I know you know what Im talking about here people. Go ahead, take a minute to summon your own personal asswipe *........

Image firmly in place? Good. Now tell me people. Why the hell do we have to act like nothing is wrong with these people? Why do they have a "get out of crazy/hurtful/spiteful/meanspirited behavior free" card? If these folks ever sought professional help, it only lasted until they were asked to take accountability for their behavior. Intellectually, I understand that "taking the high road" and "picking your battles" and even "biting your tongue" are all the right things to do. But dammit, Im sick of being an EMOTIONAL HOSTAGE. (writing that in big letters looks kind of stupid but its the only way I can effectively rant with satisfaction). Sometimes, I just want to know WHY CANT YOU JUST PLAY NICE WITH OTHER PEOPLE? Because thats what it always comes down to. Just please play nice. Dont be mean to children. Dont say and do things that would hurt your own feelings. Especially after you made the point of letting people know how much it hurts your own feelings when that thing happened to you. Because then you just look petty and cruel. Granted, this is probably not what many of you would want to say to your own asswipe, but the thing with asswipes is they wouldnt be asswipes if they werent such asswipes! Know what I mean?

Ok I feel much better now. And this friends is why I am in therapy. (Hey! That should be a label!)

Edited to add: As always if you are reading this blog, I don't mean you

my new happy place

What is significant about this picture is that this is our own Luckybuzz holding both their hands after turnip yanked away from me so he could hold her hand. I almost cried. In the good way. I have so much to say about the visit but im a little too sad and almost forced Gospel Bob to gnaw off his own limbs to get away.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Crse and the horrible terrible no-good very bad day

Trip Highlights:

-Arrived at fabu household at 930 on the dot. (as planned) Senor had gone to get the tickets for the park.

-940: Senor arrives with one ticket but a plan of action. We all load up ready to tackle the plan.

-10am: Drove to municipal building. They had three tickets. We needed 8.

-10:08am: Promised Norm that a sheetz breakfast was about to happen and that Sheetz was in eyesight range.

-10:12am: Drove to Credit Union as per muni recommendation while promising Norm that we were only feet away from the sheetz still.

-10:13am: Watched the "ticket team" walk out of the bank empty handed.

-10:14am: Stopped trying to convince norm we were going to eat and started whining along with him as we headed to triple A.

10:22am: Picked up a very disgusted Madame Fabu from the triple A parking lot as she informed us that we did get one more ticket but senor does not have his wallet and that we just needed to go to Sheetz.

10:30- Finally made it to sheetz where we hooked back up with the rest of the fabus and ordered our breakfasts. Personal breakfast consisted of a fruit smoothie, a banana and a little cup of cheerios. (this is foreshadowing)

10:40- Left Sheetz and finally were on our way.

10:50- Bad feeling in stomach. Gill must pull over.

10:51- Puked bananas and fruit smoothies on the side of the road.

10:53- repeat last two time-line entries.

10:56- On the road again!

11:10- Stopped by a corn field so Norm could pee.

11:30- Noticed our buick lesabre (aka mid-sized sedan of my dreams or simply "the mistress") was missing out.

11:30-12:15- Tense dialogue between Crse and Gill about what the Mistress wanted and how she was being handled. Crse ominously repeating "Mistress doesn't like it when you (fill in the blank as needed)...put the gas to the floor/speak roughly to her/ punch the steering wheel." Gill dismissing crse's warnings saying Mistress needed to learn her place while shifting gears in what can only be described as displeasing to her. Crse softly singing "She will turn your face to alabaster, when you find your servant is your master" as Mistress continues to stall more and more frequently.

12:15- Stop to pick up one of the few fun and pleasant extended family members from Senor Fabu's side. Norm pees again.

12:20- Continue to the waterpark noting that the engine "rest" did not improve Mistress's mood.

12:35: Almost got wiped off the freeway during a merge as Mistress would not accelerate above thirty miles per hour. Pulled over to side of freeway. Remind Norm, the screaming Turnip and Gill that this indeed is an adventure and all was ok.

12:36- Receive frantic call from the Fabus who realized we were gone. Thwarted an effort to switch and continue ahead with Madame and the fabulettes while senor and the children stayed with gill.

12:40- Gill returns to the car and accusingly asks when the last time the oil was changed. Crse counter-accuses Gill of confusing the issue. Gill notices oil sticker dated from last november. Crse tries to convince Gill she goes to a special guy who doesn't use stickers. Gill replies, "he must not use oil either because you are down two quarts." Norm attempts to restore harmony in the car "guys guys guys...we are in public". Crse apologizes for calling Gill a dickhead and Gill basks in the glory of knowing the Mistress's problems are Crse's fault.

12:41- Consult with Fabus about attempting to find a gas station at the next exit, refill oil and top off coolant.

12:42- Gill turns on HEAT FULL BLAST and rolls down windows claiming he was "cooling the engine" although everyone in the car knew he was punishing Crse for the oil transgression.

12:50- arrived at Sheetz (because it's everywhere you want to be). Crse takes children in to wash them off while Gill does required maintenance. Rendevous with Fabus who reaffirm that we are all ok and we were almost there.

12:55- Depart for a heat filled yet eventless ride to the waterpark.

1:30- Arrive at the gate of the waterpark to meet the rest of the folks in our party. Perhaps day would be ok after all. And it was until.....well just read on.

You met him as "The turnip" You knew him when he earned the nicknames "turnado" for his destructive tendencies and "nocturner" for his lack of sleep at night. Friends, with great alarm, he has evolved into what Madame Fabu has dubbed "The Turnimator".
Ill save you the stories of him attempting to belly flop in the pool and running into the street to the point that he's lost "outside privileges". Last night tops them all.

By around 730 all of the adults were quite pleased with how the children were handling the day. We had found a nice little niche where the turnip and the littlest fabu were riding a kiddie helicopter ride over and over again. It had gotten to the point that they didnt even have to get out because not that many kids were riding. I was extremely excited because the turnip showed none of the fear that his brother had at his age in terms of rides. He was delighted with everything and quite content to settle into the helicopters.

Now friends, the helicopters swooped. They went up around fifteen feet and then swooped back down in a circle. I believe the incident occurred around the eleventh time on the ride. I should have seen it coming when he tried to stand up before the ride started. I never imagined what would happen next. The ride was going around and Gill was watching while I faced the other way chatting with Madame Fabu. Im not sure if it was the collective gasp or if Gill said something but I turned around to see my baby in midair, climbing from the back seat of the helicopter to the front. I remember screaming. I remember Madame Fabu telling me that it was ok and that he was sitting down again. I remember the attendant with her hand over her mouth (clearly well-trained in emergencies, as well as the safety guidelines of proper buckling). I remember yelling "please stop the ride". I remember Gill dragging him out of the helicopter while the littlest fabu was looking at him with an "I wouldnt have even tried that one" look. And of course the turnip all the while is screaming with indignation. And that is how we left the park. So fifteen days into being two we've already also lost "kiddie ride privileges".

I just want to put him in a foam box until he is four and possesses reasoning skills.