Monday, August 13, 2007

Personal Hell Update (warning: deep thoughts ahead)

Well friends, it is Monday morning, 730. I did not interact with anyone this weekend except my boys and gretty. (well I did some texting and actually cleared up a small problem but Im not counting that) I slept a whole. freaking. lot. I threw myself head first into the world of facebook. My heart does not feel so battered this morning although I still do not want to face the world at all yet.

But Ive been thinking a lot about the past week and what I've learned. This actually comes directly from the delightfully thought-provoking ms. trix who, in her myquestion section yesterday asked "what have you learned so far today?" Im not sure I answered but I did sit there for a long time trying to think about what i'd learned in the hour and a half I was awake. I learned we were completely out of cheese slices and that the toilet paper was dangerously low. I learned that my theory about my side of the bed being crippling was correct. I learned that if you take very cold waffles and dip them in syrup they will taste disgusting. Being that the first answer to her question was much more profound, I didn't think any of those would be suitable.

But the "what have I learned?" thought spurred me to think about the week. During the week, I kept thinking "what is my lesson here?" and all I could come up with was "trust no-one. People completely suck." Around 4am this morning, I woke up (well because Id slept for about 18 of the past 24 hours) with a line from Muppets take Manhatten stuck in my head. (For the record, my favorite of their work is Great Muppet Caper) It's Pete the restaurantier saying to Kermit (courtesy of IMDB) "Peoples is peoples. No is buildings. Is tomatoes, huh? Is peoples, is dancing, is music, is potatoes. So, peoples is peoples. Okay?" Know what I mean?

And I started thinking about how in my life, people have consistently inflicted upon me different levels of the same hurts they had at one time or another described as wounding them. I don't think it's just me. And Im not entirely sure it's conscious. Im not just talking about the asswipe division of humanity, but they are included. So why is our mistreatment of others almost exactly what we hurt us the most? I don't mean all the time. Im personally trying to look back and see where this applies in my life. Needless to say, I am currently lacking the insight to identify this in myself right now. Ill be quizzing Gill about this later (and RT friends feel free to jump in if you have seen me do this. I really do want the insight). Im not saying I havent been crappy to other people, but when I think back on my crappiness, its generally not stuff that wounded me to the quick when it happened to me. Anyway, I just noticed a trend.

I remember my mother telling us (in one of the few sane moments before she transitioned from just being a crappy mother to being a malicious bitch) that if she ever became like her father, she wanted us to tell her. When we did try to tell her, post transition, she would not hear it. Granted, she does fall into the asswipe category, but I always wondered why she didn't want to believe it happened when she apparently thought she could stop it. My biggest fear is that I will turn out like her too. Will I be able to hear it, if one of my brothers tell me? I think so. That's why Im in therapy.

As I fell asleep at 430am, I started dreaming about my first job. I may or may not have mentioned this job before but of all the jobs Ive had, this is the one I dream of the most. In the dream, its always the same. I have my master's degree but can't get anyone to replace me so I have to keep working there. And it was a nightmare. The whole time I worked there was a nightmare. I made lots of friends and developed some mad flirting skillz there but the work part was a nightmare. (Interestingly, I just referred back to this time on super-cool Lina's blog in response to her post about power.) (yes, Im still working on that post, but Ive not been feeling as powerful lately so Im waiting for a "how crse got her groove back" inspiration to get me going)

Now that I think about it, that was one of the first times I learned to hone my personal power.It was years later that I realized how much power I wielded in that crappy job because at that point in my life I felt completely and utterly unworthy and powerless. Ive got to save that for the power post. But perhaps thats why I had the dream. Because I just realized, I did lose my power. Nobody took it from me, but I completely lost it. And I don't feel good about myself at all. All of the feelings from that time in my life have been coming to the surface this week. (this could be largely due to the fact that the asswipe situation largely mirrors a pattern I grew up with and Im powerless to help just like I was powerless to prevent back then)Im not quite sure what to do with them. And I think that the lesson the brilliant Ms. Trix inspired me to contemplate is in what Im supposed to do with all of this. Except I dont exactly know how to get to a place of strength again. Which makes it interesting as a personal journey because the individual incidents have already started to fade in my mind but the feelings of being weak stupid ugly unworthy and unpleasant to be around are not. Towards the end of the week, I found myself apologizing for things over which i had no control or influence. In retrospect, I was apologizing for being myself.

I wanted to wrap this up with something profound and hopeful but Im naked, the turnip just woke up and appears to be loudly arguing with himself in his crib and gret will be here in a few minutes. So, Ill be back later in the day and I will continue to work on my inner wilt (if you will bear with me).

7 comments:

Bunny said...

"people have consistently inflicted upon me different levels of the same hurts they had at one time or another described as wounding them"

I think this is the nature of the beast, unless we actively try to stop the cycle through therapy and self-awareness.

I wish I had some witty, profound, sage advice, but I do not. All I can offer is a {{HUG}}

Blog naked baby!

RockDog said...

I killed my facebook account. I just couldn't get into it.

Have a kick ass week!

winterskibunny said...

God lord, what happened to cheerful CRSE. Is this what happens when I get too busy to check in? Now I have much catching up to do.

PS some people suck yes. I have found it helpful to remember that more don't, and start listing the hows and whys in my head. It's just the sucky people somehow stick in our head more.

Now to catch up on all the postings from July on, and see what went horribly horribly wrong.

luckybuzz said...

Love you, sweetie. Will have more thoughtful things to say when I'm not feeling guilty about reading blogs instead of getting the cats ready to leave this hotel and get to the west coast, already. But I love you, and I think you are insightful, and beautiful, and I am so freaking glad you're my friend.

Ash said...

Pick up phone. Call me back! Are you mad at me? Please don't be, that post was not about you. NOT! it was about others. oy!
Call me at work when you have time.

Lisa said...

Dearest Buddy 'O Mine - try as I might to read between the lines, I can't. You are sad and bummed and really down on yourself for reasons I cannot understand. What I DO understand is the pain. You know what? Sometimes, people DO suck. Lots of times, they don't. And truly, what comes around, goes around. So, continue to try and find YOUR lessons in this current situation, know that the Universe is fair in handing out the good and bad, be real glad you ain't Karl Fucking Rove, take a DEEP BREATH, go sit next to a magnificent tree and remind yourself that you are healthy, loved and a wonderful woman. And know that things will once again balance out.

Love,
Yoda (aka Snarkypants) hehe

PS: Seriously, would you want Rove's karma? Ewww! (Hugs atcha)

crse said...

Bunny- Thanks buddy for the hug (and the blog naked cheer!) I owe you an email but I want to do it justice.
Rockdog- I couldnt at first either. Now Im freaking addicted. I hope your week kicks equal amounts of ass.
WSB- IM SO SORRY! I promise cheerful crse is on the way back.
LB- Awww baby, that was a perfect response an absolutely perfect response. And Im just as glad Im your friend baby!
Ash- NEVER TIL SEPTEMBER would I be mad! I remember now. It was the free formula. I needed to shout out for free formula! Im proud to know such an amazing mom sweetie.
Lisa- Man you say the right thing! I didnt even want to be him before his recent trouble. Know what? As far as I know, nobody calls me now or has ever called me "turdblossom". Thanks for the love and hugs and positive and right back atcha baby!