Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Im a little alarmed

because I think I only scored this high because of my inordinate amount of non-perishables and my complete disregard for loved ones (which is actualy just realism when you think about it. How can any zombie attack not boil down to self-survival? The sooner we all realize that we can't save each other from the zombies, the longer we will all live)


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

An early tuesday multiple choice guessing game

The end of the fiscal year is five days away. You have made some progress on your notes but are not nearly done. You are attending clown camp every morning in addition to your regular schedule. (Did I tell you they are spelling it klown kamp? Probably not as this particular attempt at cutsie misspelling "triggers my sociopathy", as aunt gretty would say.) How do you handle your paperwork needs during your free time on the weekend? (choose all that might apply)

A: Sleep for an 18 hour stretch, thus allowing you to be up for 28 solid hours during which you may engage in the following:
B: Play Mah Jong for seven solid hours, goofing off yes, but at least the files are open in the event of an experience of unexpected motivation.
C: Clean and attempt to detail the car after two and half years of abuse and neglect because "it really needs done".
D: Actually write the notes.

If you guessed D? You need to be slapped. Since I cant rightly do that, Im sending you back to re-read this entire blog. You can take the test over again for half credit.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

sixty four (part three)

It takes a long time to find sixty four things Ive never told you folks about:

33. I picked a fight with my psychiatrist this week. I won. Hint: If you ever want your medication upped and your psychiatrist won’t do it? Pick a fight.
34. I also got dissed by the clowns who will be running next week's clown camp. I think they were jealous.
35. The best sentence I heard this week was: “Maybe German clowns don’t wear underwear.”
36. I. LOVE. MY. DOG.
37. I don’t think I like the woman who sets appointments at my new doctor’s office. She seems a little mean.
38. I am joining a kickball team in the fall and I am BEYOND excited about it.
39. For the first time in my entire life I said the phrase “When I clean tonight, it will make me feel better.” I’m cleaning to make myself feel better now. And still, I continue to make my bed.
40. Gret and I solved an impossible problem tonight using our own brawn and brains. I felt extremely empowered after this happened.
41. The concept of the “forever” stamp boggles my mind.
42. Despite the clown dissing, I still managed to wangle my way into clown camp every single day next week. I will woo the clowns back. Im sure of it.
43. I found the most alarming insect-ish like creature in my bathtub last night. No make that this morning at 3am. I almost shit myself. (Fortunately I was on the toilet) It had an inordinate number of legs, but less than a hundred. I just saw another one in my garage a few minutes ago. I am kind of freaking out.
44. After finding this alarming creature, I could not go back to sleep and have the creepy crawlies even still.
45. Psychological breakthroughs are very draining sometimes.
46. I love Perry Mason but I hate every single minute the jackass who played Laura’s husband on Little House On The Prairie is on screen. I have no idea why he is a romantic lead. He is gross and sexist and stupid.
47. I think Im going to buy a pool and surprise Gill. (It needs to be a surprise since he does not know how much he wants a pool yet) Im sure he is going to be very happy.
48. I like pie.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

i think its because ive mentioned bewbies.

Stolen directly from the woman who hides her smut well at Polyopia and indirectly from the teasingly naughty Ms. Trix :

What's My Blog Rated? From Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

Im proud to be restricted to children under 17. Makes me feel dirty in a very good way!

Monday, June 18, 2007

sixty four (part two)

Ok folks, here are the next sixteen. Did I ever tell you folks that I have the most kind and indulgent readers on the planet here at my blog? You guys rule for humoring me like this!

17. I knew how to read by the age of two. I read like a fiend until after college. Now i dont have time but I still love a good book.
18. When I was thirteen, my mother put me on diet pills. As a result, I became super moody, lost all my friends, and never slept (which in turn led me to know by heart almost every song from the spring and summer of 1984).
19. Im so clumsy and chaotic that my friends used to say my native american name was "One who grapples with her physical surroundings".
20. When something goes wrong in the car, I try very hard to ignore it and hope it gets better. This includes but is not limited to turning the radio up loudly so I dont hear bad noises. You'd be surprised how often the car does seem to heal itself.
21. I don’t really care for corn flakes. I don’t like how they get soggy. Thus, I don’t like frosted flakes either since the milk washes the frosting off and you really just end up with soggy cornflakes at the end.
22. I’m a HORRIFIC trash talker when I play games. Norm will not play board games with Gill and me together because of the last time we played chutes and ladders….I can say no more.
23. The only make-up I wear consistently is eye liner. I feel naked without it.
24. For some reason, buying tissues for my home always seemed like a complete extravagance. About two years ago, I actually priced them and realized that I could probably afford to spend the twelve bucks a year and bring the luxury home to my family.
25. I never wanted a horse. Even as a little girl, I was not that interested in horses.
26. I was voted employee of the month two years into my first job. I was such a slacker that they changed the policy after this happened because management wanted to communicate that “employee of the month shouldn’t be a popularity contest”.
27. I was robbed at gunpoint at my second job. (it was a convenience store) I didn’t think it bothered me but had nightmares for years afterwards.
28. I keep noticing these lines underneath my eyes. I keep meaning to figure out what they are but then I forget about them as soon as Im not looking in the mirror anymore. They aren’t quite wrinkles. I actually don’t know what the hell they are.
29. The Turnip’s middle name is Aloysius.
30. Despite the fact that my bedroom is completely dark and our large dresser is in front of the only window, I actually prefer to have doors and windows open in the summer. Central air makes me feel Howard Hughes-ish and not in a good way.
31. I am terrified of becoming one of those middle aged women who have heinous hair and make up but somehow still think they are stylish. If Im going to be hideous looking, I don’t want to put any effort into creating some horrific caricature of myself through hair styling and make up.
32. I am going to take a shower right now.

Im a crappy daughter

There were a lot of good Dad (and anti dad) posts in my blogs this weekend and I have the rockinest dad ever and i should have posted good things about him. He is kind of hard to explain on paper though! Think retired truck driver who works at a golf course. He is crusty but a total cream puff for his kids. (particularly his only daughter) I need to make a list about my dad. Ill get to that right after I finish my sixty four. In my defense, we did have him over for dinner and actually watched the last hour of the US open with him. (yes the only time i watch sports is with my dad. See? Im not such an awful daughter!) I did however re-read his card after he opened it and was mortified because it was a lot lamer than i remembered when i bought it. He disagreed and told me it was very sweet and gave me a big hug. See? Awesome dad!
Ok just wanted to make sure everyone knows my dad totally rocks.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Sixty Four

My good friend Crawlspace (whose bloggy insanity keeps me youthful and refreshed) laid a smack down challenge by tagging me back 8 times for 8 random facts. Granted, crawlspace is quite easily distracted (not to mention his 8 random facts were a narrative of smashing a bug in his living room) so Im certain Id never be held to this challenge, but how the hell can I pass up the opportunity to share sixty four delightful tidbits of ME??? Oh I couldnt do that to you dear readers. I will present 3 sets of 16 however, to maintain your attention and focus throughout the facts. (you never know when I might pirate the idea of the lovely and creative Ms. Trix and throw a pop quiz at you!) The rules are I am not tagging anyone for this. I understand that not many of you are this delighted with yourself to this degree of self-absorption. Ok enough preamble. Lets move on to ME!

1. I seldom if ever use phonebooks.
2. My handwriting is atrocious. It is small and illegible. If I write bigger, my scrawl starts to resemble the the type of print you see in psychotic abduction notes. I type whenever I can.
3. I made my bed five days in a row this week. That is more consistent bedmaking than Ive done in my entire life.
4. My insecurity about leaving my children to have "grown up time" is growing unmanageable. Im finally realizing that.
5. Ive recently developed an unhealthy affinity for cream filled donuts. I never cared for donuts until recently. Why it couldnt be bran flakes or vegetables i don't know.
6. I think I have an ear infection. I am afraid to seek treatment because of the breaking up with my doctor issue.
7. I only get my hair cut about three times a year. Unfortunately its obvious.
8. I've purchased three shovels within the past week. Ive also purchased lime and dried blood. Im trying to decide whether the creepy part of gardening is exciting me more than it should be.
9. Deliberately misspelled to be unusual names piss me off. Not variations but deliberate misspellings make me psychotically angry.
10. I cannot drink directly out of glasses in restaurants. There must be a straw is involved.
11. Along the same lines, I could give you more details on this but I will summarize by saying I am NOT fun to wait on in a restaurant because of my "high needs" but Im pleasant and a good tipper.
12. Im realizing that I sound a lot like this guy:

13. I recently psychosomatically created the symptoms of what I thought end stage diabetes would be in terms of my extremities. As soon as I learned my idea of the symptomology was not accurate the symptoms disappeared.
14. Along the same lines, even though I have a difficulty time with disfigurement, as soon as I find out a missing limb is related to diabetes, the particular limb (or lack thereof) becomes an exception to my limb (or lack thereof) aversion problem.
15. During foreign movies, Gill and I read the subtitles out loud in goofy accents at home. We do not have the attention span to do this throughout the movie nor the guts to do it at the theater.
16. I talk incessantly throughout movies. Imagine MST3k . (but probably not as funny except in my own mind).

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Thursday Thirteen: Wal-Mart: The Evil Empire

My nephew referred to it as such this afternoon and I was very proud. I dedicate this to our blissfully foreign Lina, who did not know what Wal-Mart is.

1. Here is a good article that sums up the evil badness in a global sense.
2. Other evil empire characteristics include stomping out small businesses everywhere they go, locking employees in the store after closing and forbidding them to leave until closing duties are finished OFF THE CLOCK and making gobs of money off the sweat and blood of third world children.

3. Loyal Wal-mart shoppers often tend to be "rednecks". (but there are exceptions, especially in areas that do not have targets)(next week our TT will be about target)Do you know what a "redneck" is Lina? I won't go into the history or etymology of the word, but I will offer a generalized sketch of the characteristics of a red neck. Red necks tend to be largely uneducated. They may exhibit racist and sexist behaviors although it is fairly common to hear a red neck make statements like "I ain't a racist." and then offer a completely racist defense of their racist behaviors. Makes no sense to you? Ohhh you'd have to hear it to believe it.
For some reason, red necks tend to be prouder of and more open about their sexism. Red necks often make bold statements about social issues both locally and globally. These statements are largely ignorant in nature and seldom reflect any real knowledge of the issue being discussed. Red necks seem to be particularly fond of NASCAR racing and staged wrestling matches involving characters that are actually caricatures of different aspects of the redneck personality. Ive noticed that these folks tend to be proud of their ignorance. (please note: there are several fine people that like NASCAR and wrestling that are NOT rednecks). The best quote I found about rednecks is this one: , "They rebel against acting respectable, embracing this counterculture hero—the 'redneck' who is what he is, and doesn't give a damn what anybody thinks." -James C. Cobb (a professor of redneck studies maybe?)
4.As you may gather from that last quote, rednecks are not the politest, most pleasant people to shop with. Sometimes, they also have an offensive odor, because as you also might infer, a person who "doesn't give a damn what anybody thinks" and "rebels against acting respectable" does not tend to make polite social intercourse or personal hygiene high priority.
5. The lines at Wal-mart are likely to be super long and move slowly. I attribute this to the defeated morale of the cashiers and workers.
6. Wal-marts usually sell anything you'd find in a department store. The prices are often competitive which is the draw for folks like me. I hold fast to the ideal that one day i will be rich enough to make the stand to never shop there again.
7. Even now, I do try to avoid wal-mart unless I absolutely cannot (It is a 24 hour store). They unfortunately have diapers that cost almost half the price of other places so they have me by the short hairs (so to speak).
8. It is very rare to have a pleasant trip to wal-mart. If you are not insulted by a fellow customer, (either verbally or through the affront of smell) you will have to look freaking everywhere to find what you want, and you will have to stand in line for an unreasonable amount of time only to be greeted by a surly underpaid cashier who will screw up the transaction at least fifty percent of the time. This will result in the need to call a supervisor.
9. Apparently one of the qualifications of being a Wal-Mart supervisor is that you must be able to steadfastly ignore calls from cashiers asking you to fix their mistakes.
10. The rare friendly cashier tends to be mentally unstable and/or extremely emotionally needy. I once had a cashier start crying during our transaction (it was a lengthy one) about her autistic son.
11. The Superwal-marts (department store and grocery) are designed to be as inconvenient as possible. No matter what two items you need, they are most likely located a football field away from each other. (wal-marts are very big).
12. The automotive department offers oil and tire changes. Our local wal-mart is well known for substandard and shafty service.
13. In sum, to me (and many others) wal-mart is a teeming metaphor of everything that is going wrong in america. The fact that you don't know what a wal-mart is gives me hope Lina.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

damm blogger

Ok I forgot to tag and blogger will not recognize changes in editing right now. In reparation, I offer a bonus fact: Gill has a variety of alarms set in different tones on his cell phone. They start at 530am and end when he finally gets up. Sometimes, I have a little fantasy that Im stabbing him repeatedly or hitting him wiht a baseball bat and the alarms are my soundtrack. Please friends. You know I love the man intensely madly and deeply, but who does not see that as justifiable homicide?

onto the tags: Im exempting my newer readers from being tagged to give them time to learn to grow to love this blog to the point that they will feel no more than mild annoyance when i tag them at some point in the future. For my regulars: Im sorry if you dont do me-mes. (well Not that sorry). Ash tagged half my people already and gretty snagged even more!

1. Every blogger's darlin' Pippajo
2. The delightfully snarkalicious Lisa
3. The always entertaining Crawlspace
4. The crown prince of dorkdom Zigzagman
5. The one and only Mistress of the Dark Andrea
6. The hippest of all the suburban white guys Xavier Onassis
7. The man who defines cynical bastardry himeself Jay
and last but NEVER EVER least
8. The decadently delightful blogoriffic pleasure that is Ms. Trix

Live blog wednesday

Hey folks, Gret had a family emergency (nope, not telling, go to her blog for clues)so Im working from home until about three. Why not live blog? How do I propose to do this? Well by herding the need freaks outside the second the turnip wakes up. Yeah he is still asleep. Miracle? Not so much...more like he was up from 430am to 630 am. Why? You might ask? Or I hope you do ask so I can show you this:

This is what happened while i went to the bathroom at 330am. It is bit blurry so allow me to explain. On the very left side of the picture you will see Gill. Yes I do believe he is hanging on to the edge of the bed. He is covered with the mauve sheet and the cream patterned comforter. Norm is the yellow mass that is perpendicular to him. What is the bright light? You might think its the lamp but I think its actually the beatific glow from this face:

So how does this little late night logistical problem involve the turnip? Who is the only person in our house to sleep where he is supposed to sleep? Well, I decided to seek out another bed. The only made bed was in the turnip's room. And of course somewhere in the back of his subconscious, he sensed the presence of mommy. Within minutes he was standing in his crib screaming....and so we were up from 430 to 630. Ok Im going to work a bit, then i will reward us all by attempting an explanation of the culture of wal-mart for our across-the-pond correspondent Lina.

Just a bit longer, Miss Lina. Now its time for Embed-a-me-me!

My darlingest of ashes tagged me.
Here are the rules:

I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I have very long toes. I like to think of them as Piano playing toes. I use them to pick things up. I think of them as lithe and sexy.
2. I secretly believe Gill screws with my mind way more than he will ever admit. I think he exploits my chaotic disorganization for his own gratification. On one level its frustrating but its also kind of an interesting challenge.
3. I do not generally yell at my children. And NEVER in anger. (this is not restraint. this is a sign of me being completely whipped by them)
4. My bedroom is almost completely clean right now. Ive made the bed for three days in a row. This is the first time in my adult life that I made the bed three days in a row.
5. In terms of personal limitations, I have no trouble dealing with mental illness or delays. I can even deal with the biological side effects involved in lack of body function control. My personal limitation is that I am embarrassingly alarmed when I notice a person with missing limbs or extremities. I become obsessed by the limb and its presence in our dynamic. I worry about the karmic implications of this constantly.
6. Ive solved my lack of sexual fantasy problem: Andy Garcia. I dont know how I forgot him in the line up. (Thanks for the suggestions folks, but andy was already in the bull pen by that night. I will keep your recommendations in mind for future reference though!)
7. I will never dye my hair blond no matter how much Id be tempted because my mother dyes her hair (or did before she disowned us!) and i could not stand the comparison.
8. I think about Ash a lot more than she realizes. I feel guilty about not being more available and hope she knows that it is not from a lack of love!

ok I must take a shower before the training...

Monday, June 11, 2007

Monday Musings

- Our bank account was pirated yet again. Someone pilfered Gill's debit number and made three $900 purchases at three different Wal-Marts in the metropolitan areas of Phoenix, Arizona. I just wrote and deleted a page of all the things that piss me off in relation to the situation, but it was too angry for a monday musing. Instead, let us ponder this: why one would just go to Wal-mart if one felt one had unlimited funding? At least the last guy who ripped us off had some imagination. He bought first class plane tickets from london to ireland. I never respected him until mr. Identity Stealing Wal-Mart Shopping Mediocre Fuck Up came along. I had no idea Mr. Continental was adding such a sense of class to identity theft until now. MISWMSMFU also made a 25 dollar purchase at jack in the box. Could he make our stolen identities more white trash? (not that i dont enjoy a jack in the box meal when circumstances warrant, mind you) The more I think about it, the more I just want to beat the shit out of this guy. Not even because he stole our money, but because he is so tacky in how he is spending it. I mean seriously, if you are going to spend 27 hundred bucks at wal-mart, you cant buy a pair of fucking khakis and a polo and take the little lady to a nice restaurant for once? Jack Ass.

-Today is my grammy's birthday. She would have been 87. We went to the cemetery and left a balloon on her stone. Which was admittedly chintzy but I felt a bit cornered what with the screw in vases and cemetery protocol (which is way beyond my scope of understanding). As we were pulling in, we noticed a sign stating "we have niches". Anybody know what a niche is? Should I buy grammy one? I dont want her not to have one if the rest of the dead people are getting them. I already feel bad enough about the vase. Grammy would have been pissed about the identity theft. She thinks we are way too careless with our money.

-Sometimes NPR really creeps me the fuck out. I shall say no more.

- Have I mentioned that I think Ive passed into a new stage of social-emotional development? Yes friends, it's Generativity vs. self-absorption. I sprung the good news on Gill the other day. He asked how intimacy vs. isolation worked out for me. There was an awkward silence. Honestly though? A five year old sleeps in our bed right now so while Im leaning towards isolation, I cant offer a truly informed answer at this point. Upon reflection however, it could be that my chronic and deep seated self absorption is presenting as isolation. Go me in stage seven!

- I need a good sexual fantasy crush. (Gill if you’re reading this, I mean beyond the obviously mind and body shattering sexual reality you create for me). I was crushing on Mike Logan from law and order for a while (NOT Chris Noth; Mike Logan) but that’s kind of petered out. Johnny Depp is still on the A-list of course but he hasn’t sparked anything new lately. Anybody have ideas?

- Gretty is blogging again. You should go see her.

That’s enough musing for one day.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Quiztastic Sunday: Not just for quizzes anymore!

Stolen from the Sweetly Snarkalicious Lisa, this is a fun little meme where you go to Unconscious Mutterings and copy the ten words listed on sunday, then you list the first thing that comes to your mind....

  1. Acoustic :: unplugged

  2. Sanity :: Med check!

  3. Mambo :: Johnny

  4. Session :: cornhole

  5. Hound :: tooth

  6. Cat :: lady

  7. Coward :: confrontation

  8. Trunk :: dirty

  9. Hold me :: Theresss Bearsss!

  10. Psychological :: Report

There is your little glimpse into the mind of Crse

And now for the quizzes:

With a happy anniversary bow and wish to my soul twin of blogging jennfactor:

Ok I swear to god they switched questions because I took this test once and then lost my post and the first time? I GOT MOTHER THERESA!!!! (I kind of feared that might have been a little inaccurate since my first reaction was “in your face motherfuckers, I got MOTHER THERESA”) But Im completely a pacifist. And I don’t like to watch people get hurt. I swear they never asked me this!

But in taking this quiz, I found this one!

Hehehe, this is more to my liking….now let me make you an offer you cant refuse….

Ok here is another from the all things quiztastic Jenn!

You Should Date An Italian!

You love for old fashioned romance, with an old fashioned guy
An Italian guy is the perfect candidate to be your prince charming
If your head doesn't spin enough, just down another espresso with him
Invest in a motorcycle helmet - and some carb blocker for all that pasta!

Ciao Bella! Now that’s what I’m talking about!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Thirteen random things Im willing to share today:

1. I have to break up with my doctor. Im very sad about this. We've been together for almost 8 years. And truly, its not her, its me. (well and her staff...mean bitter old ladies) You see, I've turned our relationship into a web of lies. I could say more but it would be degrading for both of us. Suffice it to say that I dont think we can ever go back to how it was. Plus she is 40 minutes away which sucks when I have to drag my sorry sick ass in.

2. Week two of ten year old contact lens is not going well. Im starting to get freaked out. Ive changed solutions and followed gret's and Madame Fabu's advice to the letter but it still takes me a half an hour to get the contacts in and I still feel the white hot holy hell pain when I finally get them in.My eyes are in a constant state of feeling pickled. I did make an eye appointment for tomorrow......!

3. Im reading a Norman Mailer book. Im a little ashamed about this. In my defense it's the new one about Adolf Hitler and gill bought it for me as a surprise. It has become a full blown guilty pleasure.

4. Do you know that I LOVE summer? I mean LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT. The hotter the better. The heat that makes people sick? Is my favorite thing in the whole freaking world. Today was 93. I was in heaven.

5. I love my father dearly. Without question or condition. He is taking Norm for a haircut tomorrow and i fear that a buzz cut is inevitable. I love my father dearly. Without question or condition.

6. Tomorrow is landscaping decision day for the panflutemaster house. There very well could be a throw down. Ill keep you posted.

7. Do you know that Im prettier than the queen of trash? Its true. Norm said so.

8. Debra Messing is in a mini-series called "starter wife". The previews for this show make me want to slit my throat.

9. Did you ever have a conversation with a person that was so bizarre you were positive he was having (or just had) a stroke? Whats hard about such a conversation is when the "stroke" person's wife is sitting there acting like everything is making sense. A lot of my job is like that.

10. This whole trans fat thing is a scam isnt it? Its kind of like saying "buy our chips! They are completely arsenic free!"

11. Will I ever mature to the point that I wont snicker when someone mentions the planet "uranus"?

12. Although I completely support non-gender role based play activities, it is not socially acceptable for a sixth grade boy to crochet in school. I wish it were. But it is not. That is all I can say for now.

13. In case you ever wondered about the spelling and grammar errors? Im not a complete idiot. I just dont edit my posts until well after you've noticed my mistakes.

Ok folks its a no frills thursday thirteen! Thanks for playing...

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

soul cleansing confession

Friends, you may or may not have noticed but Ive been trying to find a more honest voice on my blog. Admittedly, I write this blog for entertainment purposes only so I have tended to stay away (for the most part) from controversial topics. Sometimes, however, things hit a little too close to home. Or beloved friends (real time and blog) will say things that make me feel like I should speak up. Like I am a fraud for not sharing what I believe with the blogoverse. Particularly when certain topics come up with other folks. I hide behind my denial of who I am. I cant do that anymore friends.

I realize Im taking a great risk here and I recognize that I might be alienating more than one of you. Please friends, try to remember, i am still the same crse you've known for the past eleven months. And we can talk about it. Im finally realizing that I am only as sick as my secret,(and no, in case you are wondering, it is not that Ive ti-voed the republican debate, Im actually pretty comfortable with that) so no matter what happens, I know I am free now...

(deep breath)
i like clowns.

Whoa....I feel like a huge load has been lifted off me! Before you start judging, let me just clarify. Im not a proponent of creepy middle aged male clowns who ask little kids to sit on their laps. But I do like them. To the point that (as a very select few of you know) (madame fabu and luckybuzz may be alone on this but Im not sure) I often talk in private moments about dropping out of life and running away to clown college. I dont need the little bike or the squirting flower, but damn Id love to know how to make those animal balloons. And when you think about it, as creepy as adults may find clowns to be, little kids generally cheer up when a clown comes into the picture. (Unless they cry hysterically, but Id never be a pushy clown)I wouldnt want to be part of a circus because of some personal moral opposition to circuses in general, but Id love to work parties. Or be like a telegram clown. Ok since we are being honest, I probably would be into learning to drive the little bike.

I understand John Wayne Gacy and the movie IT did a lot to undermine the social acceptability of clowns, but seriously is that fair?

To address John Wayne Gacy, I find this extremely biased. We do not judge men in casts or on crutches because Ted Bundy faked physical limitations. And the boston strangler. Do you hear people villifying gas meter readers because of his behaviors? I think not.

As for the movie IT. Now Stephen King did a lot of scary assed shit. Still you dont see people in nurseries or greenhouses freaking out over bonsai. (granted, bonsai scare the shit out of me) Or really big drooly dogs because of Cujo. So why are we singling out IT?

Want to know what i think? Its CHARACTERISM. For some unknown reason, our culture decided that clowns need to be feared and shunned. Its just not ok for grown ups to like (or want to be) clowns. Dammit, people! Its not right! What if people did this to santa? Or the easter bunny? (although id be on board with that one, since bunnies creep me out anyway). And what about leprechauns? Now lets lay it out on the table here. Leprechauns are the scariest little mother fuckers youd ever want to not cross paths with. But every march we just worship those little green demons. IT. IS. WRONG.

Anyway, I bring this up now because in a few weeks Im attending a clown therapy training and out of the 125 participants, I am the only one excited about this training. Excited? Friends Im freaking GIDDY. But I cant tell people that, because clowns are bad and scary. Not anymore people. Not on this blog.


Sunday, June 03, 2007

I heart Mike Gravel

I am so mad at myself for not liveblogging the new hampshire debate. This is my fantasy football people. Here are candidate reviews so far: Please feel free to voice your opinions but this is a rudeness free blog so do so politely or Im going to smack you down delete you!

-Joe Biden (Delaware Senator): Ach. I dont know. Politically, he's fine but he just doesnt speak to me. If I am going to be honest, it's because in my late teens I experienced some confusion about The 80s Supreme Judice Nominee Robert Bork and Joe Biden. This went on for an embarrassingly long time (well till about three months ago) Is it a legitimate reason to oppose this guy? But can I vote for him without getting a case of the willies?

-Hilary Clinton (oh come on, we all know Hillary): Now this is probably not a popular viewpoint, but I have to be honest, Im missing the big "hillary is evil" smoking gun here. People I respect are telling me that she is a monster and her election would be a tragedy but I look and look and I cant figure out where that is happen. I do worry because she is a woman and I dont think Joe Q. Wife-beatin' Nosepickin' America is going to vote a woman into office. So friends, feel free to tell me why not Hillary. Im open!

-Chris Dodd (Connecticut Senator): Im sorry buddy but that hair is far too Newt Gingrich to get my vote. Uh did you say something mr. Dodd? I missed it. Your hair was giving me flashbacks.....

-John Edwards (Former North Carolina Senator): Ok not a big fan in 04. Because why does nobody ever bring up that he has the same name as the cross-over guy? Because that scares the hell out of me. Not the name coincidence but that nobody says anything. Why does nobody say anything? It reeks of cover-up to me friends. Plus, he reminds me of the plastic faced evil candidate in those political thriller movies. Tonight, he was just bitchy. I dont want a bitchy plastic faced plausibly evil president with dubious connections to "the other side".

-Mike Gravel (hasnt apparently seen political action SINCE I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD! from alaska): I LOVE THIS GUY. How could you not love a guy who discusses his "meds" during a president debate? And i love how he was like "Yeah getting my meds works out fine for me." And he talks about serving in the Korean War. Which was almost 60 years ago. Thats fucking awesome. My absolute favorite though? Was his proclamation that just because the rest of the candidates who haven't gotten us out of Iraq are morally bankrupt, it doesn't mean they are not good people! Seriously, he is radically pro so many things Im radically pro. I may just drop out of my life and join his campaign just to hang out and hear what he says everyday.

-Dennis Kuchinich (Ohio Congressman): In all the political "who is your true president?" quizzes, he is at the top for me. And thats outside of the fact that he is the "favorite son" of the liberals in my area. Is he my favorite candidate politically? Yes. Am I voting for him? Well...I dont know. Why not? Two words. Ralph Nader. I dont like the fact that he is too far out there to win, but we cant afford another 8 years of punishment. On the other hand, if I can stomach the republican nomination, I may do it anyway, just to make the statement that more americans are looking for kucinich-like policies. We know he will not win but the fact that he is up there on that stage gives me hope because he is a walking reminder that this brand of politics cannot be ignored. Also, was that tall red head his wife? WOW.

-Barrack Obama (Illinois Senator): He was my guy going in. But when it comes down to it, it turns out he has some "scare the hell out of me" positions. He wants to renew Patriot Act. Yikes. He doesnt support replacing US Troops with UN Troops nor does he support an immediate withdrawal.

-Bill Richardson (New Mexico Governor): I really liked him! He seemed like he had a lot more to say but honestly, he seemed like the most likable candidate. And dammit, after all this time, don't americans deserve a huggable president?

If I had to vote today? Hillary.