Thursday, November 30, 2006

Thursday Thirteen sixteen or seventeen?

Thursday Thirteen “really great ideas” I HAD make happen with results ranging from slight disappointment to life changing horror.

1. The birds. It seemed like the perfect pet idea! Birds! Relatively low maintenance cute and entertaining. Too bad Norm and I realized the first night we brought them home that they scared the holy hell out of us.
2. The potato chipper. You slice the potatoes and microwave them on a little potato merry go round. Brilliant! Low fat but with the taste and full body of a potato chip…..except not so much…more like soggy thin overly chewy paper.
3. The iced tea maker. Because I love iced tea. What could make me happier than a bona fide iced tea maker? Oh how I coveted this iced tea maker. You can thus imagine my chagrin when I discovered that making iced tea with this magic machine was three times more complicated than making it the old fashioned way.
4. Car shopping with my adorable but not so business wise sister in law bonsai. Oh I was a feminist with an IQ in the 140s! I was NOT going to let some slimy used car salesman get the best of me! Until I walked in the door, became possessed by their mind control and ended up purchasing a two door sporty sunfire (Did I mention I had a toddler and was PREGNANT?) That car was the scourge of my existence until I ended up with the midsize sedan of my dreams.
5. Setting my dad up with my stepmother. Note to self- next time you set up your ONLY unconditional support? Pick someone who actually likes you (or at least can hide their loathing a bit better!)
6. The religious studies degree for undergrad. Oh that’s served me well….very helpful when people call me in the middle of their religious debates.
7. The smoothie maker. Two glorious alcoholic smoothie filled months with the Fabus until Gill got too annoyed to make them for us anymore. Turns out that drinking alcoholic smoothies is a lot more fun than making them. Especially when you are drunk.
8. The videocamera we had to get before Norm’s first Christmas. Yep its on there. Never watched since. Never used again. Why? No idea.
9. The plan to play and win every single free cell game within the next three years. It was all well and good until I started losing sleep and coming unglued when other activities disrupted the plan. It became my heroin. I can never open that window again.
10. Insisting that Gill renew his relationship with his parents when we first met. Ohhhh that’s what he meant by them being completely insane. Whoops, my bad on that one.
11. Ordering a two hundred dollar phone from a phone solicitor (no pun intended!) because it had talking caller id. Oh they make that in a twenty dollar answering machine? You don’t say….
12. Observing the free play basketball time during emotional support gym class. Twenty eight kids with aggression and behavior problems with projectile basketballs? Sounds great! Im going to sit over here by the wall farthest from the exit.
13. Tivo. HA like anyone would believe that. I might as well say I regret my sonicare toothbrush. Or my beautiful children…

Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Ash In Wonderland

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Because you dont already know enough weird things about me!

My sister in chaos Jen (Factor 10) Tagged me for this and i know i did it before but what kind of blogger would i be if i didnt wave all my weirdness around like a big old flag! (and for those interested, i can of course always come up with more weird things about me!) Jen asked for six.

1. You may know this but Ive struggled with insomnia my whole life. I never know when it will hit and when it does, NOTHING helps.

2. Im really fascinated by cruel dictators and stories of abuse of power in history (or current events, or even daily life). I dont need details of the carnage, I want to hear about the perpetrators' personalities. (ok and i do like a general idea of the carnage)

3. I am appalled by hand dryers in bathrooms. I cant stop thinking about them spreading germs all over the room and actually drying the germs into my hands.

4. I sometimes believe my moral compass is broken. Things that I do that should make me feel guilty do not at all and I frighten myself as to how unapologetic I feel about these things.

5. I secretly believe my talents would be best served if i started some sort of cult. I think i have the makings of a fine charismatic leader, and I would be very clear about a non-violent, non-suicide stance.

6. I once had a pair of glasses for three years that a boy i liked found on a chain link fence in New York City during a spontaneous road trip involving a four hour visit to the big apple one crazy crazy night.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

random quick slashes

- the turnip learned to kiss. It is kind of alarming the way he leans in like a little pro. Do you think Im damaging the kids by initiating the french kisses between them for my own entertainment?

- Gretty is here this week and at least sanity has returned to the household again. We all feel a bit more nurtured.

- i did not sleep between 1230-530 last night. I do not know why. I did a lot of sudoku.

- I have a royal mess involving the "perfect storm". More details to follow. Here is a preview. She had to write a sentence for her spelling words and one was strained. Her sentence was "I didnt like being re strained on thursday". My response sentence would have been "Well sunshine, the boy you were attacking strained to beat the shit out of you until you were restrained".

Thats all i got. Back to the sea of end of the month despair.

Monday, November 27, 2006

bitch and moan monday- a live blog

Well its the end of the month friends. We all know what that means. A sea of casenotes, a short temper and squalor all around me! So being that nobody would see me today, I thought why not live blog my bitching and moaning for the day! I shall do this and it shall be good. And I shall use random slashes. And I shall veer from bitching and moaning should it serve me to do so. After all, its the end of the month, we can probably color anything I come up with as a bitch or a moan!

1ish- two things i did not want to say to norm today: "maybe its not a good idea to make a picture out of your bubble gum." and "please dont eat your yogurt in the clothes basket. Daddy will come unglued."

- I am thinking of expanding my tivo selections. I am ready to add a new program I think. Maybe even two. Does anyone have suggestions besides grey's anatomy? I already watch the office, CSI and the law and orders. Im thinking about heroes, brothers and sisters or possibly house. Feedback?

- I freaking hate the show lazy town. If you don't know what Im talking about consider yourself lucky. It is a compilation of really ugly puppets and the single most annoying child I have ever observed (and bear in mind, i work with kids with behavior disorders). Stephanie (and this includes but is not limited to all the little assholes on the welches grape juice commercials). She has pink hair and chews up the scenery worse than judy garland on a drinking binge. I think a lot about bitch slapping her. It makes me feel better.

-Speaking of judy garland, i heard this great story that she was drunk at a party and threw a bunch of lawn furniture into the swimming pool and screamed "there is no fucking rainbow!". I love this image. It makes me happy too.

- I just found this picture for my readers' edification. The more I look at it, the more I think she looks like a boy in drag. I think I would find her more likable if she was a boy in drag.

3 ish- Slash break time! Ok John Edwards' teeth are way too big and perfect to be acceptable in a vice president. I wonder if this cost his team the 2004 election Or maybe it was because despite the fact that I watched all three debates and can see his face clearly, I can never remember the guy who actually ran's name. Kemp right? Kemp. Also known as "the other guy".

- One would expect a documentary on Benito Mussolini and General Franco not to be so....abrasive. I was so interested but the narration was so harsh I had to turn away to something more soothing like the relaxing voice of the guy who narrates "City Confidential". Truth be told though, relaxing is probably not the right word. He is more scintillating. The way he described my dead town as "sitting on the edge of the river like a rusted out and abandoned pick up truck" makes everyone in the city

- I wonder if the bill collector who calls from the unknown number and leaves me messages regarding "personal business" actually believes that I dont know what he wants. Even if I had the money, I dont think I could talk to him now. Too much water under the bridge.

430pm-Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are splitting up? I cant believe it! They had so many weddings, I thought for sure they would be married forever.

-Add to things I didnt want to have to say to norm today. "Do you know why my butt is covered in gum? Is it supposed to be covered in gum?" I should be time coding the live blog shouldnt i?

744pm- Just got home from a lovely dinner and visit with my friend Kathleen and her sons. She is due to have another son on the 17th of January and we were picking out names for her baby. I suggested she auction off the naming privilege on E-bay. How bad could it be? No matter what they came up with there has to be a cute nickname...

-Chaos is ensuing here at the panflutemaster house as we have conflict involving a hot wheels set and missing stickers and pieces. Our baby of perpetual dissatisfaction is whining and norm has just this minute has become hysterical because his father will not give him coffee.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

adderal why have you forsaken me?

I realize in terms of crises, this is rather low-key, but im in a low-grade state of panic over this one. Its about the damn PAMPERED CHEF PARTY THAT WILL NOT END! (and costs me more with every passing day) I realize the panic is probably because of the Phyllis factor. I lost a 90 dollar check that Lonnie Manko gave Madame Fabu who gave it to me in a simple envelope. Which I lost. Her order is in, and I lost her check. Madame Fabu will be finding this out as she reads this and trust me, everywhere you are telling me to look Madame? Ive already looked. So now I have to make up some sort of fiction for Phyllis explaining that she needs to put Lonnie Manko's order on my credit card because I cannot bear to hear annoyance in her tone one more time. My relationship with phyllis should have never been and it needs to end quickly. And I have to break it to Lonnie Manko that I lost her check. She will most likely be kind but lets face it. Nothing says Im a gold star employee like I lost the check you gave me despite every precaution you took. I dont even know what this means to people who actually balance their checkbooks. I SUCK!!! But so does Phyllis.

EDITED TO ADD: I FOUND THE CHECK. IN YOUR FACE PHYLLIS! It was no small sense of poetic justice I felt when I realized I could send the check to her in her very own self-addressed stamped envelope that she gave me for some other god forsaken task i obviously had no intention of completing....

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The ugly season

Well my friends, Thanksgiving has come and gone. Lovely day despite a somewhat unfortunate encounter with the bonsai's least favorite aunt, who i suspect has a girl crush on me. (dont believe me? lets review the list shall we?: Is she manly? check. Did she leave her husband for another woman in the 90s and then get back together with him? check. Does she prolongingly look at my breasts and extend eye contact? check. Is she not even remotely attractive? Check. Is she hostile towards Gill? Check.) Needless to say, the bonsai threw me under the bus on this one and nobody else thought twice about leaving me there. I was a trooper friends. I took the hits and still managed to avoid the boob crushing hug at the end.

Id like to say that this encounter was responsible for what transpired later that evening but I would be lying. Truth be told, thanksgiving night was actually the beginning of what I have come to think of as "the ugly season". In the next six weeks, there will be a flurry of parties and occasions that will require your host to get stupid ugly drunk. And I am prepared to live up to this expectation. Here are some highlights from thursday night.

-after being dropped off at the bar, one of the first people I saw was a woman from my past whose car I didnt "technically" steal. It was more like a joyride. She hates me friends.

-needless to say this led me to overindulge in the vodka right away.

-which led me to behave like a lunatic on the dance floor

-and force my cousin to slow dance with me (she was ok with it. she is no stranger to drunk crse)

- and drink more.

- and inadvertently buy a shot for a man I loathe because I was politely asking him if he needed to get closer to the bar. (Folks, sometimes drunk crse is not my friend)

-and start a conversation with someone else who NONE of my friends ever liked.

-and drunk dial several friends who were not there to tell them I was hanging out with the person I forgot we dont like to get them to come out and see the person we didnt really care for.

-and possibly hit on my friend's brother. (when you get onto topics like swinging and you are drunk and trying to affirming, could go either way)

Ok well thats enough highlights. Might as well pace this as we have several more events to look forward to.

The aftermath wasnt pretty friends. And Im not ready to talk about it. Until we went to Madame Fabu's mother for dinner last night, the day was a blur of me on the couch trapped in a flinstone's marathon encouraging my children to snack on whatever they could reach in lieu of actual meals. Its going to be a long holiday season my friends.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Thursday Thirteen maybe the 15th or 16th one?

Thursday Thirteen Things I am Thankful For.

1. First of all, my family. My boys. My nuclear crew. Gill, Norm and the Turnip are so far beyond the wildest dreams and expectations I had for my future. (I know its awful, but Im also grateful that they are all so cute and smart and funny)
2. My friends. I have amazing friends. I sometimes look at the friends I have and I say “why do these really cool and spectacular people hang out with me?” Yay my friends!
3. My family of origin. My dad and my brothers. They are so different from each other and they sometimes drive me completely crazy but I cant imagine life without him.
4. My step-sister and my sisters in law. My brothers married good people. Even my step-brother married a goddess. My step sister rocks some hard ass too!
5. My grammy. After she died I stopped putting her in my thank you part of my prayers for a few weeks. Then I realized, even though she died, I still want to pray for her and express my gratitude that I had her in my life and now I have her in my heart.
6. My job. It is a perfect job for me. Not only do I love the people I work with but I love what I do. Sometimes you just know what you are supposed to do in life and as Gretty said today “the only thing harder than following your path, is knowing you should be and not following it”
7. My house. I love my house. I really hope it doesn’t get repossessed.
8. Psychopharmacology. I think everyone in my family and several of my friends are grateful for this too.
9. My blogfriends. You guys smack the shit!
10. My sonicare toothbrush. I shall never forget.
11. That gill’s mother doesn’t know where we live or how to get in contact with us. And that my mother sued us so there is no sense of obligation tomorrow. I cant even begin to describe how much better this makes holidays.
12. This goes back to number two. That my boys have all these awesome women around to guide them through life. They literally have a slew of fairy godmothers.
13. Ok I know it’s wrong, but I have to be true to myself. I am grateful for TiVo. (DVR) I am so thankful for this invention and I never want to think about life without it again.

Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Ash In Wonderland

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


I promise I am going to do my thursday thirteen on gratitude (not so original but very necessary) so I am allowing myself some slashes of stress as it is 4am and Im being kept awake by said stresses. These are in no particular order.

-I hit a deer today. Well, more accurately the deer bounced off my car. It shattered my back driver's side window (where the turnip sits usually, but this happened at work) It could have been SO MUCH worse. So Im multi-stressing on this one, as I cant stop contemplating how bad it could have been for my little turnip (its a feeling of gratitude and horror mixed into one) and I am also stressing because it was 150 dollars that I didnt have. Lonnie Manko thought we could try to get it covered by our place of employ as I was working at the time, so at least I have that to hope for even if it doesnt actually happen. Oh did I mention i only have minimal coverage so nothing was covered by insurance? Which is a nice segue into...

-Money. I dont have any. And christmas is coming. And visions of a disappointed Norm are dancing through my head resulting in periodic cringes. The house payment is overdue. Stupid consumer driven society.

- This pampered chef party that WILL NOT END. Phyllis (the consultant who I seriously think LOATHES me by now, which Im surprisingly ok with because truth be told Im not that fond of her either) is phone stalking me and I am really not looking forward to seeing her to close the show.

- My site meter isnt working and the webmaster guy isnt returning my email. Hey webmaster guy. I may be a freeloader but Im promoting your site on a blog that is read INTERNATIONALLY (which actually invites a little shout out to my intriguing new visitor from brazil! Im glad you are coming back whoever you are! Gracias!)

-Norm is about to come out and yell at me for being out of bed. I just dont want my four year old to yell at me right now. Is that so much to ask?

- Gill-smoke is working friday and saturday. not only is this bad for me because Ill be relatively alone with the monkeys (Although aunt gretty is coming to offer guidance on friday and Madame Fabu is trying to wangle me an invitation to her Friday thanksgiving) but I will also miss him. And not get to sleep in. Poor me.
I need to counter this with some gratitude.

- the deer was ok! It was a relief to see that he just scampered off into the woods as if I was just a small obstacle in his mating quest.

-my mechanic (whose name is Tommy Christmas, I am not even joking) referred me to a nice glass place that fixed windows while you wait. The office lady was awesome and it all went way better than I could have hoped. (minus the 150 dollars)

- Aunt Gretty has been doing this nanny/life coach thing for us for the past few weeks and ideally she will be doing it until January. I cant tell you how this has changed my life. She is truly the wife we've always needed in this house.

- Erthy invited me for thanksgiving today! That made me incredibly happy. Which leads me to..

-My thanksgiving should be stress free. Im going to my brother and the bonsai (my sister in law...god i need to fix my blog so I can reference people easier) is cooking. It will be a delightful time unless my brother is being an ass to the bonsai which means I will sit with her mother and apologize for his behavior while they argue. (I tell her we werent raised like this, but looking back, we might as well have been raised by freaking wolves for as much parenting as my mother did so I guess we should doubly count our blessings as the three of us are only neurotic messes as opposed to dangerous blights on society...)

- Madame Fabu and Lonnie Manko were extremely reaffirming and kind about the deer thing even though I was so stunned I went into denial and thought I should just finish working. I also had dark chocolate M&MS which of course make everything better.

Ok Im feeling a bit better.

Monday, November 20, 2006

bitch and moan monday (and a shout out)

I started one earlier but didnt have enough to bitch and moan about. Actually I still dont besides the fact that Im looking at a relatively unpleasant day tomorrow with many obligations and unfinished administrative crap to do. Lovely weekend with a delightful party for the littlest fabu followed by a parade where Norm and Princess fabu rode on a float together like the little king and queen of christmas. Oh I can bitch and moan about that. I had to walk along side the float which was being haulled by a truck bearing a sticker that says "This truck has lift because fat chicks cant climb". This pissed me off for the entire parade. All I wanted to do was politely tell this jackass to rest his mind because no self respecting chicks (fat or thin or in between) would want to ride with such an illiterate redneck asshole. But alas, It was not the time or place. It could have been worse. He could have had a "these colors don't run". My head is going to one day implode while I contemplate everything wrong and stupid about that phrase.

Ok this isnt my most quality post but I want to send a little shout out to my friend Skycat. Skycat is a delightful person that I have the pleasure of knowing through the Fantastic Luckybuzz. Skycat just starting blogging again and I think many of you will enjoy her wit and wisdom! Ok that may be the only non-pointless thing I shared today so I am going to stop.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

sometimes words just are not enough.

Thursay Thirteen Holiday Survival Guide

Thursday Thirteen Holiday Survival Guide.

1. Ok my good friend Pippa rose to the challenge I left on her blog for us both to make Survival guides out of our thursday thirteens. I have to admit, some of this will come from a very old post called "Ways to tell you are having a dysfunctional family holiday" It was one of my first posts (July 5 if youd like to refer because beta wont let me link it) on blogger.

1. Form alliances (Pippa refers to this and I agree it should be first and foremost). It is helpful if the alliances share your views on the more dysfunctional members of the family because then you can...

2. Create party games targetted around the DMs (dysfunctional members) like scavenger hunts based on different family behaviors. In my family, my allies and I base the whole hunt around who can catch my step-mother engaging in her usually horrific behaviors. Your list will include: Finding her bossing your kids around, having her cut you off in conversation, having her grab your plate off you before you are finished, having her invite people to an event in front of you and leave your family out, having her criticize your parenting, having her criticizing someone else's behavior to you, well you get the drift. We also do a drinking game version of you have to drink any time she lies, or says a snarky comment etc. Mixing up the games can provide good times for everyone!

3. You and your allies should develop game plans to minimize collateral damage. It is best if you do this beforehand. For example, if you are hosting, one person is assigned to block the DM from you at all times, another is assigned to protect the children, another is assigned for moral and liquor support.

4. Drink. A lot.

5. Plan a process time for after the DMs leave. And plan time for decompressing the next day with the allies.

6. Handling snarky comments and passive aggressive insults should be its own list. Some of my favorite techniques are laughing overly hard at the passive aggressive comment and then as you calm down just say "I honestly cant believe you actually said that out loud". My added to touch is to start laughing again and then shake my head and just get up and walk away. This is great especially if it wasnt meant to be funny. Sometimes, if its a really inappropriate comment, it is best just to let it hang in the air while you put a sympathetic look on your face and very pointedly avoid eye contact. What you are going for is "I am so sorry that you just made an ass of yourself. Im embarrassed for all of us." That awkward silence is pure gold.

7. Drink before the party.

8. MAKE SURE YOUR MEDS ARE REGULATED BEFORE THE SEASON. Sometimes you have to start early to insure good regulation. Ive been working on the Christmas Season Med regimen since July. I also finding doubling your meds that day to be helpful (watch this with the drinking) (If you have to sacrifice, give up the extra med. YOU NEED THAT ALCOHOL)

9. Passive aggressive gifts can be quite delightful. We do this with my step-mother because she is hideously mean to us all year long and completely ungracious no matter what we get her. Suggestions can be anything from off brand body wash with the words "dollar general" printed on it, to a ten dollar bill in an envelope. My sister in law got her a gift certificate to a plus size store because she is always commenting on our weights even though she is twice the size of any of us. I was horrified yet gleeful.

10. Teach your children to come tell if grandma is being a bully.

11. USE YOUR CALLER ID. If you dont have caller ID, screen screen screen. Screen before the holiday. Screen for a few days after the holiday. If you absolutely cannot avoid returning a call try your best to return it at a time that offers the best opportunity of getting their voicemail. NEVER TELL THEM TO CALL YOU BACK. Answer questions this way and end the conversation with "so we will see you at t-giving/christmas/hanakuh/kwanzaa".

12. If football is playing, become a sports fan and just sit in front of the tv pretending to watch the game. If your family is like mine, not much talking will be happening in front of that tv. You may need to pay attention to when people are cheering or making comments. Just nod and shake your head and join in on the cheering. Its a beautiful way to hide in plain sight.

13. Dont give the DMs all the power. Focus on the people you like to be with and plan on enjoying yourself. If you think positive, you can get through anything. As long as you keep drinking.

Blogs I like even if their lists aren’t up yet

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Using My Powers For Good
Ash In Wonderland

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Monday, November 13, 2006

reality check

So I was working with Madame Fabu last week and one of the secretaries asked me to do her a favor. I was happy to do it, but as I was completing the task, I finally realized why this secretary makes me so uncomfortable. Prolonged eye contact. She stares at me. (No this isnt a girl-crush. She is fairly attractive and the cute ones never like me) She stares at me like I am a bug. I am always subconsciously checking my nose and face. Do I have a hanger on my nose? Am I drooling? Ketchup? WHAT WHAT WHAT!!!!! And the thing that is so troublesome is she is really nice to me. Always has been. She even made this fantastic chili that had no onions or peppers in it for the company chili cook off and we had a lovely talk about it. During the talk, I had a conversation slip and said the word "sex" instead of texas (IT WAS CONTEXTUAL! dont you point that finger at me, random shaming reader!) and while I probably do that a lot(I mumble, talk to fast and am constantly tripping over my words anyway), I. WAS. MORTIFIED. Why? Because she is constantly dissecting me with her eyes.

Perhaps it is not a coincidence that she is related by marriage to another co-worker who also causes me some discomfort. He is a CLOSE TALKER. And he unfortunately has BAD BREATH. Again, dont judge me readers. If we were having meaningful conversations, I could chalk it up to us all getting in touch with our primal natures (you know, a "we are all brothers under the skin and lets not cover it up with perfume or mouthwash" sort of deal) or even feel some sympathy (although we DO have a really good dental plan which takes away at least part of his excuse). However, we are not having meaningful conversations. The man is a black hole of conversation. I used to supervise him. When I turned the case over to another therapist, she had a great deal of trouble differentiating between the patient and this co-worker. When he would stop me by my car after group, my friends would see me stuck with him and call me from their cars faking emergencies just to get me out of the situation.

To make it worse, he has this horrifying verbal tic where he randomly makes this sound during conversations that is almost indescribable. Try to imagine a cow in the midst of an orgasm. Ok? Now imagine hearing that sound every 45 seconds or so during a conversation about the poor quality of schools in his district. Or worse, the boys' swim team and their performance this year. While this doesnt even begin to explain what that experience actually does to a person, I tell you it isnt a pretty thing. Why do I share this dear readers? Because sometimes i need to step back and realize that other people are not having this kind of work day.

I need to do this because I have to believe that between a four year old who needs to shower after every significant bowel movement, a husband who must act out his unresolved oppositional defiant disorder by aggravating said four year old at every turn and lets not forget our buddy nocturnip, that somewhere people are just having peaceful stimulating or at least somewhat sane interactions every day. I need to believe this.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Why not a MeMe?

I stole this from our sacred (and magical) Luckybuzz. I was a bit surprised. Did I get this because Im a mom?

You scored as III - The Empress. The Empress is a maternal symbol. She is the mother figure who loves, nurtures and protects.
She will protect you, she will always be there when you are in trouble. When you fall over and graze your knee, the Empress will kiss it better.
Yet she is not a weak figure. Her compassion is strength. If her children are threatened she will stop at nothing to protect them. If well aspected in a Tarot spread, the Empress can symbolise security, protection and unconditional love. If badly aspected it can represent over-protectiveness, fear of risk taking and refusal to face the real world.

III - The Empress


II - The High Priestess


XI: Justice


XVI: The Tower


XIX: The Sun


IV - The Emperor


VI: The Lovers


I - Magician


XIII: Death


VIII - Strength


0 - The Fool


X - Wheel of Fortune


XV: The Devil


Which Major Arcana Tarot Card Are You?
created with

Saturday, November 11, 2006

random slashes: have we all been reduced to this?

When i made the promise i would match quizzes and MeMes with real posts, I didnt realize i would create such a dry spell for myself! Its not that i dont have stuff to blog about. It just all happens so fast and seems to entail much more of a commitment than I could make to my blog this week. So as I hang my head in shame, I will offer random slashes of amusing, interesting or disturbing things from my week.

- I found a note in my eggs one morning that read "the chicken who laid us had her beak shaved off and her legs broken at birth. Please consider buying eggs from free roaming chickens next time". I actually think this may have been Aunt Gretty and not the eggs themselves.

- On the same note, as Norm and I were grocery shopping, he insisted we make an emergency call to Aunt Gretty because he had trouble believing that orange eggs came from chickens. She explained that "happy chickens lay orange eggs" and that seemed to satisfy him.

- Had lunch with my friend Andy at a place where a woman who has a girl-crush on me waitresses. (Sadly, I completely forget about her until I get in the restaurant and have to deter unwanted attention) Although we did not sit in her section, her longing glances and persistent lingering by our table made for more than one awkward moment during the meal.

-During lunch, Andy described our co-worker's behavior: "That's totally serial murder stuff. That's 'can I have a chunk out of the back of your leg for my woman suit?' behavior".

- During the same lunch, she shared with me the reason she does not like buffets. "Arm hair and dead skin just sloughs off when people reach into the food." She points to a strand of hair in our creamer dish. "Look at that. Not your hair. Not my hair. Arm hair."

- Went to the library to meet a client and sat next to a man who I was afraid dropped dead during our time next to each other. As I did my observation, he sat completely still for almost twenty minutes. It was that awkward do i look and see if he is breathing? Would that be obvious? If he is not, will I need to start CPR? I dont have my refresher course til december, will I remember the steps? I have a five o clock appointment, will I be late if I have to give the guy CPR? If he is already dead, I really dont want to be sucking his mouth. Happily, he was not dead at all. And as a side note, while we did not acknowledge each other during our time next to each other, as he walked out he gave me a huge smile and we waved to each other. All in all, it was a very uplifting ending!

- COMPLETELY embarrassed myself in front of a team of professionals during a meeting, but kept on going because I decided I would seriously lose face if I admitted my embarrassment.

Well thats all I have for now. Just wanted my beloved readers to know I am still here!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Vote Early and Vote Often

Ok because I did a little inappropriate comment blogging on my dearest Pippa's blog, I gotta put this out there. I have a confession dear readers. I. Love. Election Season. I love it. I love it. I love it. I think Im an election geek. I think my friends have read enough to gather my leanings but I do try to keep the politics out of my blog just because random people who are not regular commentors are more likely to log on and say stupid illogical and wrong things on my blog and that annoys me. My blog is not here to echo fox news soundbites provide a place for stupid rants. Having said that, let me just tell you once again, I love this season! No matter what the political climate, its such an exciting time.

I was just telling Pippa that I think I might have spent my last incarnation in a fascist state because after 18 years of having the right to vote, I still get a kick out voting!I dont know if its because I have an incredibly large ego and it seems so obvious that my opinion really matters (ok i admit, i also call in those numbers on receipts because frankly, i think the folks at valvoline really DO care about what I think). I research this stuff for weeks and start watching and reading my various sources to make my choices. It just occurred to me that voting is my version of a fantasy football draft!

Im not so naive to think that there is not corruption. I know all about the illusion of the two party system. But damn it, this is still America. If the past ten years have taught us anything, its that ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. Ok I still need to blog about my day so Ill end my rant now.

Edited to Add: My friend Molly texted to me today to tell me she was extremely excited because she voted for the first time this afternoon. I asked her what she thought. She said "It was awesome. Just like ordering at sheetz, without getting the biscuit at the end!" And that folks, is democracy in action.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Slashes of bitching and moaning...

Oh its monday. It hasnt been a terrible monday considering i had to be at a meeting an hour away from my house at 8am. I spent the larger part of the day with Madame Fabu doing what cannot be described any other way than "getting my shit together". It was a lot of fun as my boss Lonnie Manko was there and she tends to add to the hilarity (everytime we get yelled at as a group by other depts. for laughing too loud, Lonnie Manko is right in the middle of it. I love that about her)

- I lost ANOTHER DAMN bank card. I actually lost it a week ago and finally admitted it to myself today.

-Gill is in the process of a significantly pricey root canal. He started it friday and finishes tomorrow. They didnt ask him if he wanted a root canal. They just gave it to him. So I must confess dear readers, we are planning to pull the dental equivalent of a dine and dash. (ive coached him extensively on exactly what to say to not raise suspicion) Actually we will pay but not the hundred and forty eight dollars a month they want. Maybe 40 bucks a month. Maybe not. Here's a little lesson about informed consent mo-foes. And you just lost three dental customers.

- Im all for buying your halloween candy early and often. However, if you are going to do this, dont buy it three freaking months early because we are going to notice how freaking stale it actually is. Also? Dont freeze it in your nasty ice caked freezer. And dont store it next to bananas. Because let me tell you, you might think you are doing something funky with a banana flavored snickers, but banana flavored whoppers are nauseating and make me want to smash your pumpkins. Or your mailbox. Or your windows.

-Also on the halloween front, if you are past puberty and going trick or treating, please put a little more effort in your costume than throwing on a football jersey and saying you are a football player or a plaid shirt and saying you are a lumberjack. Because when you do that, I want to throw a used tissue in your bag and say its a candy bar.

- I think one of my patients actually faked a seizure for attention this weekend. I cant tell anyone on the case because I have no evidence. I do have suspicions though. Lots and lots of suspicions.

- I REALLY need to stop making meals out of candy. But i cannot substitute this by having three real meals and three candy meals like i did today. The madness somehow must end.

- My little e at the bottom of the screen that allows me to launch explorer is gone. I need that little e. My functioning is clearly impaired without it.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Stupidity Squared

Ok, despite dear Gretty's objections, one of my dubious talents is that I am actually a fairly competent liar. (who am i kidding, i scare myself sometimes) My lies are not meant to cause harm. Generally, they are to avoid confrontations, or avoid hurting people's feelings. Today was a little karmic kick in the ass for me. It all started when I made the mistake of promising my father that he would not see my car until i got my tires changed. I wont bore you with the web of lies that sprung from those bold and foolish words, but it ended up with me feigning illness to avoid a birthday party (and avoid of course, my father) and Gill making me promise that he would come home to fresh tires if he kept the lie alive.

I started out so confident. Until I ran into the "oh yer a girl, lets jack this up about twenty bucks a tire" syndrome. I tried gentle readers. The first three places, i tried to maintain the stoic "I am a consumer so you will treat me right". After the scoffing and shaming with me walking out tail between my legs, I bit the bullet and played the "oh heeheehee look at me, Math is hard. I like candy! Oh big strong fatherly man, show me the ways of tires!" card. And damn if it didnt work. Got about a hundred dollars off the prices quoted at the first three places.

Unfortunately, when one attempts to get tire work done at 3pm on a sunday, one generally runs into a wait. I did not anticipate this. So as my new dad/buddy explained it would take several hours but that he promised it would be done before midnight, I realized i was at least two or three miles from home and that my entire family was an hour away. Being the problem solver that I am, (and not having any money and after losing the pencil so I couldnt work on my sudoku which Id brought in anticipation of a wait) I decided to walk home. Friends, overpasses are not hospitable to 36 year old dishevelled and uncoordinated women. Drivers are hostile to the pedestrian on the four lane high way. I say beep and cuss old man. The next time the tables are turned and you fall off the curb into traffic or dump your purse in the middle of the road because you forgot to zip it, may you receive the same. Oh and by the way, isnt there some sort of edict in the methodist church charter saying that if you are playing touch football in the parking lot, you are not allowed to direct your play into the path of a clearly traumatized passerby? On a positive note, I made friends with a little boy who shouted "excuse me" and then proceeded to mumble unintelligibly at me as I politely stood on the edge of the yard yelling "whats that?" his alarmed mother came to the door and explained that he was very friendly and refused to shut her door until I moved on. I thought she wanted to continue the conversation. was just awkward thats all....

It was harrowing but Im alive. And feel duly purged of my sin. Especially when the wal-mart (who sent me away by explaining that the only available tires in my size were apparently solid gold) called telling me i left my checkbook on their counter.

Another Jesse MeMe

Because my blog also has deteriorated into us all asking ourselves "how much do we actually need to know about CRSE?" I am doing this Jesse MeMe. I am making a personal resolution to balance every MeMe or internet quiz with an actual post. Bear in mind my other personal resolutions include managing my money better, maintaining an effective exercise program, sticking to a vitamin regimen, being more punctual and cleaning up after myself more regularly so dont get your hopes up.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Experienced daylight at 11pm
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea - from the shore
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can

32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster

35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign

46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football

61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater

66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair

147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

Friday, November 03, 2006

you want the truth?

Ok because I have a pampered chef party that starts in 7 hours. Because my turnip is a grumpy little bitch this morning. Because my fans have clamored. Be ready. The lies are: (drum roll please)

#4. Gill and I met in a strange twist o fate kind of way that did not involve advertising, but did involve LB and Erthy and many other people and their paths crossing by chance.

#6 The crush is actually on Tom Brokaw.

#11 I. love. dogs!

Stories for other items available upon request.

Dont feel bad friends. I AM that good of a liar.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Thursday thirteen

Hey I think Im going to be early again! Why? because Im stealing Jen's idea from last week. It is 10 truths and 3 lies. See if you can pick them out.

Thirteen Things . Ten that are true and three that are lies.

1. I woke up from a nap on Friday and found Norm (my four year old) sitting on my legs completely naked watching tv and eating cornchips.

2. I have an abnormally small mouth that makes it difficult to eat certain things.

3. I know how to play every Eagles song from the album on the flute (Ash, you are not allowed to answer that one!)

4. I met my husband by answering an ad in the personals.

5. I have a neurotic fear of birds.

6. I have a strange and inexplicable crush on Ted Koppel.

7. Im allergic to bleach.

8. When I was very young, I had a condition where I had to put special lotion on and remain in the shade for a half hour before going into the sun. My parents told me it was because I was “allergic to the sun”.

9. Once I went trick or treating dressed as a pancake.

10. One of the most awkward moments of my life occurred when I accidentally wandered into the men’s locker room of a mosque.

11. I secretly loathe dogs. I can’t stand them.

12. I had a guy fall into my window and shatter it while I was sound asleep in a basement apartment once.

13. I really don’t mind the smell of skunk.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens or at least people who have fun and interesting blogs whether they TTed this week or not!

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Using My Powers For Good
Lil Duck Duck
Ash In Wonderland

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!