Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Where the hell have I been?

Ack. Family madness. we will leave it at that.

What do I have to report? Hmmm not much. We are on "vacation". Apparently when your children are small "vacation" does not imply relaxation. Instead we have a mad family fun week with the fabus planned. Tomorrow is a water park/amusement park. Thursday is the zoo. Friday is the lake.

You know its going to be a bad visit when the doctor asks your five year old if he eats healthy and he looks at you nervously.

I just baked cookies that melded together at the bottom of the pan. Am i going to throw them away? hell no. We will chop them with knives and we will eat them heartily.

McDonald's has consistently pissed me off these past few months. I have very low expectations to begin with so to disappoint me is difficult in terms of fast food. But they have done so. And verily I am pissed.

I really WANT to go to the fabus tonight for ribs and corn. I really NEED to clean and prepare for tomorrow. Ill let you know how that ends up.

We are getting a land line so I can fax things in accordance with new work requirements. Gill is pissed and wants me to "e-fax" although the land line is cheaper. I felt intimidated by e-fax anyway. He is calling me an idiot and deemed the extra cost an "idiot tax". Once again proving my point that I will endure about anything to get my own way.

I think we all know how bad i suck and how far behind i am. No need to beat it into the ground....

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Here is the thing about rats


The more I learn about rats, the more i want to like them. They are freaking BRILLIANT. Screw chimpanzees (monkey eating monsters that they are), forget about the gorillas (i dont mind gorillas per se, but lets face it. Intellectually, the gorilla is no rat). Its rats. According to those who know, pet rats are friendly, lovable, clean, smart and gentle. They are the ultimate pet. In some cultures rats are seen as sacred. They are thought to hold souls of those who've passed (I think). I embrace this rat reverence wholeheartedly. There is only one small problem.

RATS SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME. I mean they HORRIFY me. And I am ashamed. Why must they be so appalling to me? Cognitively, I understand that rats did not cause the black plague. To be honest, I only have a vague idea of what the black plague is anyway. And Im not afraid of fleas. (I mean i dont want them or anything but they don't have what i like to call "the cootie effect" on me physiologically) So rats go through garbage looking for food. Dare I judge? I was actually physically inside a dumpster once many years ago pulling out discarded belongings left by a wealthy but frivolous woman. It was not my proudest moment but i still have a pair of sandals from that long ago foraging expedition.

I just stared at the screen debating whether I should share this next part but Ill tell you friends. This post is about healing. I need to be honest here. Because accepting that I have a problem is the first step to overcoming it right? You may find me repulsive after this. So be it. Go with God.

Sometimes? If I really dont want to eat something completely tasty but really bad for me, I spray it with windex after i put it in the trash. Because I am afraid I would be too tempted to pull it out and eat it. Who am I kidding sometimes? Ive been doing this my whole adult life. Ive been doing it so long that while I dont have any distinct memory of pulling food from the garbage, I obviously must have done or considered it at some point or there would be no need for windex. Dont judge me people. Im trying to build bridges here.

At this point in time, I cannot imagine getting past my revulsion. (And we ask ourselves, is it not a reflection of my own self-loathing? Perhaps....Perhaps) Thanks to everyone from the promoters of junk science to george orwell to the creepy acrobatic rat that appeared in the dumpster behind "the bar" many years ago (the same rat to whom I attribute the onset of my life defining existential crisis) I am scarred by the rat-hating culture that is the curse of my generation. I dont know if I can move past this. And I am ashamed.

Why do I tell you this friends? Because tonight friends? Tonight I took my boy to a movie and together we cried over the pain of a crazy little rat trying to make it in the big city. (ok I cried. He may have missed the deeper message of the film, but we were definitely together. Sharing popcorn.) My xenophobic speciesism needs to be crushed in the name of truth. I need to look deeply into my inner rat and learn to love and celebrate it.

Right now, it doesnt seem possible to move past this. But friends, last week I ate an onion**. A raw onion. And Im still here.

Yes, I ate a raw onion. And now I know that nothing is beyond my reach.

* I found the rat cartoon here. And I give my humble thanks.

** it has come to my attention that the phrase "ate a raw onion" implies that I ate a whole onion. In actuality I ate a small ring, a strand if you will. It was about the size of a nickel around. One Small Strand of Onion. One Giant Step for crse

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I heart my in-laws!

Well folks, we are back from the spreading of the ashes of the guy we never met, and let me tell you…its been a long strange trip. Do you know what is worse than not have internet in the mountains? Having constant live blog fodder and being powerless to blog. Ah well, at least I can offer you a retrospective in dashes:

- We stayed with gill’s aunt M and Uncle J. Aunt M did not seem happy to meet me but did tell me soon after to ignore the mess because “we might not be clean here but we are happy” (it really wasn’t that dirty at all)
- Her words actually made the whole stale cigarette smoke/really strong cat piss smell seem more pleasant than it normally would have been. Im not joking. (I think it only smells that way because they have three cats)
- Apparently, it is not customary in the clan of Gill to offer food or drink to anyone over the age of five, no matter how long you are planning on staying. Food is served at meal times but nobody offered me beer ever. I got one beer all weekend. The gill clan is totally a byob clan.
- Aunt M vacillated between totally awesome and a mean spiteful harridan. As you all know, this is exactly what I look for in a mother figure so I was right at home.
- Until she made me eat a raw onion.
- Yes you read that right.
- She made me eat a raw onion.
- She was like kryptonite to my pickiness powers. Id never experienced anything like it. And correct me if Im wrong faithful readers, but Im pretty sure Ive never wanted to punch a senior citizen before either. So that’s two first for crse right there….
- We slept in the family camper which was parked in the driveway. We shared these accommodations with Gill’s niece and nephew. I had thought it a bit unpleasant the first night as my pillow ratio wasn’t good and there were blanket issues (plus peeing outside).
- I felt particularly at home with the gentlemen who ended up being my Drunk Old Men Posse (DOMP) ( most of gill’s uncles and older male cousins). There were points throughout the trip when I was positive they were the only ones who liked me. (despite the byob crap)
- Turns out the first night was a fucking five star hotel compared to the second night which involved me needing to pee five times, the turnip waking up shrieking for an hour and a half at four am and the foul odor of sauerkraut that permeated the whole trailer because someone left a used crockpot right outside one of the windows. (I know that makes no sense. The weekend was kind of like that.)
- Gill completely bailed on me Friday and stayed in the camper until 530 with a “headache” leaving me completely alone with a group of people who knew me only as the woman who kept gill away from the family for 13 years. The DOMP spent a good deal of time during the day at some sort of “man club”. I missed them sorely.
- By 530 Friday, the only people being remotely pleasant to me were my father in law and a stinky cousin of gill’s who would have been somewhat attractive if he didn’t have that raging stench.
- Stinky has two iguanas and spent a great deal of time graciously attempting to enlighten me about these fantastic little wonders of nature.
- Im really scared of iguanas now.
- Stinky’s stench (or what gill and I now refer to as “the taint”) lingered in the oddest of places. I am still getting whiffs of it here and there. Its very disturbing.
- Kojak and Dolly both came through for me Friday evening. It was nice to have a relatively sober contingency.
- By Saturday I was talking trash playing cards with the DOMP and exchanging addresses and emails.
- I was also getting good gossip from Aunt M and the rest of the girl cousins.
- I developed a full scale loathing for a smarmy rotund man who thankfully was not related to “us” . I was excited to hear everyone secretly dislikes him too!
- The memorial on Saturday consisted of us all walking over to a tree and having the wheelchair bound aunt toss ashes from the dead uncle onto the tree. It was kind of odd because the ashes kept kicking up and she ended up getting them all over her. She did not seem bothered by this.
- I went from being ok with my own uncles to having two totally favorite uncles in law.
- My absolute favorite Uncle patted my ass when I left. He was drunk of course. I took this as a clear symbol that I had been accepted into the tribe.
- How can I not feel at home with anybody (read: my favorite uncle) who sets up a picture like this?

She is HERE!!!

Born Monday July 16th (I forget what time), 7 lbs 11 oz, and twenty inches long and WAY BEAUTIFUL! go see her

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Thursday Thirteen Camping Edition

I know I should have blogged before about the trip and ONCE AGAIN Im so far behind on your blogs it breaks me heart! How do I even begin to tell you about the weekend. Chocolate Vodka, apple pucker and citron. Lots and Lots of junk food. Best summed up in a thursday thirteen to be sure:

1. It is very impolite to start eating other food when a group of people start to sing happy birthday to you.
2. It is even more impolite to interrupt someone who is spilling their heart out to borrow batteries because the confessor just looks so darn pretty in the firelight.
3. I have really really hot friends. Some of them like to be naked and some of them are happier leaving their clothes on. Im not naming names.
4. When bears attack, the important thing is to save the liquor. Then go for the electronics. But if you have to make a sacrifice, just save the liquor.
5. Gretty is very mean if you try to sleep in her bed. She is not too generous with the space and she pokes you everytime she hears you snore. If you sleep with gretty, you will spend a good portion of the night clinging to the edge of the bed trying to be quiet. On the other hand, you will have no qualms about posting pictures like this to pay her back:

6. Then again, my dearest friend Roxie did absolutely nothing to warrant the posting of this picture, but frankly i thought her pose was almost artistic, sort of like the demi moore cover of vanity fair. She is not puking, she is standing up from her piss.

7. Moe thinks that she is a bad bed mate because she snores. Moe's snoring did not keep me awake at all. However, she does flail around like a flamingo on amphetamines. But she does not poke you meanly when you snore. Which means she is a good room-mate. And does not get embarrassing pictures of her posted. Gretty.
8. Fire and toileting. My two very favorite things. Introducing the destroylet, a propane toilet:
I tried to get the flames but my timing was bad.
9. One thing I love about my friends is that we could all be sitting around and someone could blurt out something like "I have abnormal sexual thoughts about molesting kangaroos" (or something just as off the wall)and everyone will nod understandingly and no matter what it is, someone will jump in and say "Yeah that happens to me sometimes."
10. Why I will never make a successful vegetarian: "What is it that you don't like in the dish?" "Well, I think its the flavor that tastes like pre-digested vomit"
11. Feather is the absolutely perfect person to have around to deal with unsettling smells in the wild. For example, when i smell rancid chicken lard, she smells home cooking. When I smell what appears to be the result of bait and hot food stored too closely together, she smells home cooking.
12. Freaky step-ladders, lots of vodka, and bad knees do not a pleasant end of the evening make.
13. My wimmin rock ASS!!!!!

NOw Im off to the mountains again with my in-laws for some old fashioned ash spreading. (Im starting to think of gill's family as the folks who put the fun in funeral)

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Happy birthday Turnip!!!

I Love you soooo much. I am so grateful to have you as my son.

Monday, July 16, 2007


Well friends, there are many pictures, stories, videos and other blackmail fodder from this weekend. As you can see, there was decadence abound. I learned a quite a bit about myself, my friends and nature this weekend. And now that we are safely home, I feel like I can safely say I really wouldnt have pulled a george costanza on the baby if the bears had come back and attacked us. Pitures will be on the way. Now, Im just happy to be home and alive and want to say MY FRIENDS ROCK HARD!!!!

Friday, July 13, 2007

Wild Weekend in the Wilderness

Folks, Im goin' camping! (in the "staying at a cabin with beds, electricity a toilet and other required amenities" sense)Its an all wimmin weekend (Yeah thats crse with a y buster!) with seven of my closest friends from "back in the day". Most have them have been mentioned here before but in my typical "crse has to confuse the hell out of us" manner, i will change their names a year into my blog by letting them pick their own monikers because friends? Its gonna be a live blog weekend! Actually probably a check in between naps and drinking weekend but still hoping to provide my blog buddies with live action reports straight from the scene of what may well prove to be the highlight of this summer's ugly season. Stay Tuned.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Fucking Weasleys

Im so sorry Lucy, Pippa and all my other beloved Potterheads. Its not them really. Its just that i surpassed my 10,000 visitor yesterday and I had been looking forward to it for soooo long. Guess what it was? AN IMAGE SEARCH FOR THE FUCKING WEASLEYS!!! Im getting tons of them! Yes they are cute, Yes I realize I scored them for the potter character(s) i would most likely sleep with. BUT ITS ALL ABOUT ME PEOPLE!!! (ok and gret too this week) Im going to delete that damm picture right now.

Because you cant possibly get enough of that crazy Gretty stuff:

Thirteen Aspects Of Grettability:

1. She is an artist. She uses all sorts of mediums and her work is amazing. Its not just my bias. She actually sells her work for money. To strangers.
2. She and I both have undergrads in Religious Studies. We went to college at the same time, and had several mutual friends but our paths never crossed and we did not know each other then. (Granted I was on the tommy boy ten year plan, dropping out of school for reasons like I got good cable or was planning a road trip to Alaska with my friend J)
3. She went to Scotland to earn her master's degree.
4. She has been married twice but is not currently married at this point in time.
5. She was very alarmed to come home to a surprise party on a relatively recent birthday because at first she thought it was an intervention. (this makes me laugh every time I think of it)
6. She has a reputation as being a flake in certain circles but she has been one of the most consistently reliable people Ive ever dealt with on a daily basis.
7. She runs an unofficial flop house for animals. (although I think she is in denial about this. I think she thinks most people generally have foster dogs for months at a time.) Animals seem to have a sixth sense that she is a pushover.
8. She is amazing in times of crisis. I can even back that up statistically with the fact that she is 82% zombie proof.
9. She once spent a month in Russia.
10. She is extremely protective of her siblings, particularly her younger sister.
11. Meeting her, you would not think she would be good with children (no offense baby but need I refer to "the picture"? and BTW id do anything if you gave me permission to post that picture) but she really is sensitive to them and children tend to adore her. She is also completely neurotic about their safety.
12. She loved horses as a little girl. I used to have all kinds of theories about little girls who loved horses but she shattered them because she is not anything like what you'd think a girl who'd love horses would be.
13. When we are someplace and people mistake us for sisters, I never correct them because i am secretly really flattered by this, because she is really pretty and it would be so cool to be her sister.

BONUS GRETISMS: Two I forgot from yesterday.
(to my husband for making her late, by not getting home on time)(again, complete serious deadpan) If I had a dick, you would be sucking it all day long tomorrow.
(one day pensively) Sometimes I wish I had made the choice early on to really commit and dedicate myself to (and im thinking its career or self growth related) the path of hardcore alcoholism. Life would be so much simpler then. Still not enough Gret? Stay tuned....

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Happy Birthday Gretty!

Its Gretty's birthday! I have so many interesting current events things to post about but it took me TWO ENTIRE HOURS to catch up on your blogs friends! Rockdog was just talking about blogcrushes and my problem is im totally crushed out on every single blog i read. And I have to update my roll because there are more crushes that you might not even know about! Anyway, i digress, I want to dediate this to my darlin gretty. I cant even begin to tell you how much she means to me (although tomorrow should yield a "thirteen things about gretty" list). Ive actually been collecting quotes from her for a while to make a TT but my short term memory sucks so Im going to start posting them as they happen. And for her birthday, Here is a top ten of quotable Gret:

1. {Firmly, with indignation) There is no symbiotic relationship between the weasel and the human!
2. If that Microtel could talk…..
3. Yeah I went on quite the trampage around that time….
4. So my mom was up on vacation and she had the chickens with her of course.
5. (to norm) You need a shirt that says “Im a winner!”
6. (again to norm) Don’t blink the lights like that. You are going to trigger my sociopathy.
7. Most people would have crossed the line to creepy a long time ago. I like to think we are special.
8. (Dora saying “what was your favorite trick?”)(To dora) When you died.
9. He has tourette’s and before you get excited, its not the good kind.
10. Once I have steps, the only other thing Im going to need (my boyfriend) for is that second income!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Monday Musings

Thanks for all your kind words friends. I am happy to say that after a particularly hellacious five days, chez panflutemaster has returned to "normal". Im woefully behind on the lives of all my friends in the blogoverse but I promise Im going to catch up soon! Typically, I silently hang my head in shame when Im this behind but my dearest Madame Fabu has seen better days recently (work is insane, car problems extraordinaire) and I wanted to give her a little something in case she gets over here for stress relief. (although last i heard she and senor were childless for the evening and engaged in some sort of clorox fuelled night of hi-jinx) So here are a few (very few) monday musings.

- YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FRIENDS: (I call you all as patent witnesses)Here is a brilliant idea for a product. You know how some people only like burnt potato chips? Well how about a brand of potato chips that are specifically burnt? Just Burnt Potato Chips. I think I would totally buy these chips. (I ate some burnt crackers today and while enjoying their tastiness, I could not help but think that this could really catch on. A whole cottage industry of ill-prepared yet tasty treats)

- During my seventy billionth viewing of Spongebob Squarepants this evening, I picked up an interesting little bit of trivia. At the beginning of the movie, as sponge bob prepares for what he expects to be a big promotion at the krusty krab, he alludes to his wall of pride which, as he reports, displays 375 consecutive employee of the month awards. Now I crunched the numbers friends.....sit down and take a deep breath.....it means that spongebob has been working in that restaurant for over 30 years! Granted, Im not sure if there is a human to sponge year ratio like we have with dogs, and no clarification appears to be available regarding bikini bottom labor laws, but if we translate this all to human equivalents? SPONGEBOB IS 47 YEARS OLD. The implications of this are absolutely mind boggling. Again, you heard it here first!

Sega and other clown dodgers, this is a clown alert!

- I know I have not spoken of "der kamp" in a while. I will tell you this. There is a HUGE difference between an american clown and the German KLOWN. And it aint just how you say the word my friends. (In case you are wondering, you say american clown like a little whiny whimper. The German Klown? You make that K HARD and you draw out the OW in klown. You let the n slide a little because you know what? The KLOW part is enough! Cant say that about american clowns now can ya?) I have heard the siren's call once again friends. Except this time, its not the tinkling song of the ice cream truck of my dreams allowing me to travel the open roads providing frozen sticks of happiness to all who cross my path. Now it is the life of the KLOWn that calls to me friends. Its a dream yes. But its a damn big one.....

ok again promise i will catch up soon!

A few promos:

-If you havent had the chance, track down Rockdog's webradio show It happens saturdays at midnight and i havent caught it yet, but hear tell its an uproariously good time.

- Speaking of Klowns, Mert has been nominated for class clown! And everyone who knows mert knows she has the heart of a German Klown friends. Go vote for her.

Go give some love:

-Gretty is celebrating her 40th birthday on Wednesday. Birthday wishes are welcome to be sure.

-My sweet little Ash is on her last few weeks of gestation. In Florida. In the summer. Cool breezes and comfort of all sorts would be welcome there im sure!

thats all i got, ill try to be better!

Edited to Add: So in perusing my sitemeter (or as i like to frame it: stalking my stalkers) I noticed Im getting all these hits for some google image thing from all over the country. I look into this a bit further and its THE DAMN WEASLY TWINS!!!! (Lucy just left me a funny message about her Harry Potter bedmate btw) I have not seen a single harry potter movie and I read one book (I LOVE YOU PIPPA DONT CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF!!!!) and found it....mediocre. Maybe its just late and Im just tired, but Im kind of amused by the thought of rabid harry potter fans ending up at the last possible place they will find dumblefuck (or whatever it is) information. Its the little things.....

Thursday, July 05, 2007

No weasley's here

Sorry folks, if you googled me for weasley's ive deleted them because i really have nothing harry potter to offer you here. The reason I show up on your search is because I scored weasley's for potter character id most likely bed down with...please feel free to stay and visit but i dont want to waste your time if you are on a weasley quest!

The shrieking and the wailing and the tearing out of the hair

- The Turnip has had a double ear infection since tuesday night. Those three words do not begin to describe this experience to you. Its one of those things Im going to look back on and wonder how the hell we lived through it.

- Watched a documentary about the dark side of chimpanzees on the National Geographic on Demand channel. Friends, Im scared. And you should be too.

- Also watched the "Last King of Scotland" on Tuesday night. Interesting movie.

- Can't help but notice the "sick and recovering" Turnip's similarities not only to Idi Amin but also to a band of deranged chimpanzees. Sort of like if you can imagine a delusional vicious power crazed chimpanzee despot who consumes baby monkeys out of pure malice? That would be the turnip these last few days.

- I want to share happy things friends. Right now though, I hear his excellency moving around and I need to go hide in my room right now before Gill notices. He has not been properly traumatized and deserves to pay some damn dues.

Thank you all for the wonderful bloggiversary wishes. Im glad to know and share with all of you!!!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

The final sixteen (well fifteen)

Friends, you've been so patient. Im certain that every little bit you don't know about me tortures you night and day. I apologize.....

49. I cheated my way through three different typing classes without really learning to touch type. As it stands, I can type without looking but as soon as I think about it, I can’t do it anymore.
50. Although it is somewhat illogical, I made the realization this morning that although babies are good and Doritos are good, babies covered in Doritos cheese are gross.
51. I’ve been in therapy for ten years this fall and I still am completely amazed at what an idiot I can be.
52. I just rediscovered marshmallows covered in toasted coconut and they rock just as much as I remembered they did.
53. I am always suspect when a movie gets great reviews for being the “funniest movie of the season” when none of the trailers are funny at all.
54. If you add all the times Ive actually worn lipstick in my life together, at least half of those times involved me cleaning and finding a lipstick along the way.
55. I played corn hole for the first time of the season and once again realized that it STILL is a glaring metaphor for my life.
56. When I eat pizza, I rake off all the toppings and mop the extra sauce off.
57. I was a vegetarian for three horrific months in the mid 90s. I was so bitchy my supervisor BEGGED me to start eating meat again. I did. On Good Friday.
58. I am not crazy about dill pickles but I get them on sandwiches just so I can pick them off because I like the pickle flavoring.
59. I am the queen of snap judgments. Stupid little things can make me dislike someone. And Im generally wrong. I have a very dear co-worker friend who I despised at first because he did not fuss over my baby pictures when I met him. Turns out he was very overwhelmed as it was his first day. I still make him tell me how cute my children are on a regular basis though.
60. In my “break up letter” to my doctor, I ratted out the mean ladies on her staff. I feel good about it too.
61. I deliberately encourage mispronunciations in my children. I use the word “babbies” with the Turnip to talk about babies and tell Norm things happened before he was “boring”. (Come on people, its not worse than making them French kiss for my entertainment)
62. Although I love the show “My gym partner is a monkey” the main character, Adam Lyon is the whiniest, most annoying, entitled complainer I’ve seen on TV in a while. I think I watch just in case somehow he is mauled by the other animals.
63. I kind of wish I was not completely appalled by rats because they are fascinating and brilliant.

Now as my loyal readers may know already, tomorrow is my one year bloggiversary. Sooooo in honor of my very special day, YOU get to ask whatever question you want about me for the sixty fourth fact. I might not answer though :-)

Im back

With apologies. And something to amuse yourself with while I work on my last 16 for my 64. I promise i will be a better blogger this week. On a positive note, I believe I made my bed every single day for a month...

Here is the first one (they are both stolen from the prolific Lina)

Am I arrogant much? Oh yes I am...

Your Vocabulary Score: A+

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary!

You must be quite an erudite person.

But on the positive side? Im filled with summery fresh goodness!

Your Scent is Strawberry

Fun, flirty, and fresh.
You're a complete sweetheart that makes everyone smile!