Tuesday, October 30, 2007

its not the wii i swear

I have been lost in my own confusion. Yet I have so much to tell you all. Ive been doing more analysis of sesame street, so i have that to share. Also, I wanted to toss out some neighborhood etiquette questions. Halloween stories and yes, we went back to church! (and I even joined Lucy's membership/hospitality committee!) (have I mentioned how dropping the phrase "going to church" into my conversation continues to tickle the hell out of me). Are you intrigued? Titillated? Anyway, I promise Ive got a date with myself tomorrow night to sit down with a bowl of Turnip's candy and settle in to catch up on my blogs. Ive missed you folks. And I swear the lapse is temporary.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

A quickie (please don't feel cheap...unless you like it that way!)

Friends, I said I was never gonna be that mom. I would never buy into the holiday hype and go on a rampage for a cabbage patch/sleep and smack ernie/nintendo game box. I would be a reasonable parent who explained in advance that the toy could be there in January so there would be no disappointments. We would have wonderful children who were pleased with themselves not to be sucked into the blatant consumerism of christmas. HA. Then came...Baby Alive. "But Crse," you say. "I know you are into non-gendered stereotyping for the children but was Norm that desperate for a Baby Alive?" No friends, no he wasnt. But Princess Fabu, she was a different story. As I watched my very own Madame (and senor and mother fabu for that matter!) Fabu stalk three counties for a Baby Alive after the Princess decided late in the season that she would ask Santa for one, I saw the inevitable future. Looking at her sweet little princess face when she discussed how she was getting one with confidence was enough to convince me not only that I would beg borrow and steal to make sure that I was not responsible for crushing that look off my own child's face, but also that I would indeed get up with a raging hang-over and drive for three hours (estimated but damm it was a hang over) to loyally shop beside my friend to ensure that look remained on the princess's face as well. Why do i tell you this story? Well friends, because we bought a wii. Yes it is only October. I have been sick about making sure we get a wii since august. (Madame has been keeping me motivated with the "remember Baby Alive" mantra.) Yesterday, in one of our "mysteries of marriage" conversations, (where i think "wait? how come you dont know that gill? dont you read my brain at night?") I share my insecurity about this with gill. He responds with complete surprise. "Crse, you can walk in anywhere and buy a wii!". What? WHAT? WHAT??? I thought there was some sort of shortage where there were lotteries and such. Apparently not! So needless to say, I decided to say once again, screw the house payment, and now we have wii. And friends, it shouldn't make me feel better but it does. Dammit, it does. Ok I have way more but I want to get a shower before the turnip wakes up. (reminder, post about kindergarten breakthrough, collective work bitterness, and turnip issues!) ok friends, im sorely behind on blogs but i look forward to catching up!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Im back...sort of..

Sorry for the absence folks, didnt mean to alarm anyone! Im just now recovering from being sick and twisted literally (figuratively of course I still am). Ill be back with reports about my kindergarten breakthrough and the adventures of Madame Fabu's mad and bitter weekend. (It stemmed from her week. Policy prevents her from sharing too much with me in terms of work difficulties, but I know its been a bad week when she spends saturday morning yelling "Fuck you, I know you are lying" at Paula Deen and the Barefoot Contessa.) Hope you folks are all well!

Thursday, October 18, 2007


Ill say it hard and Ill say it loud.
We took last place but are unreasonably proud!

Here is why I love kickball. You can do something really stupid but good things might happen like while the other team was trying to make a spectacle out of getting you out, your team-mate who is actually fast and good can score a run and people are still very excited for you! Friends, Ive been waiting my whole life for something like this to happen.

RT friends remind me if im mistaken, but I dont really remember Norm constantly challenging himself to find new and different ways to create messes, destroy property and physically endanger himself and others. Ok what is the positive here? The turnip is not a behavior problem waiting to happen. He is just....goal driven. Go turnip.

OMG! On a completely different note the turnip just linked together the words poop and ma butt! There was babble in between but judging from the stink, I think he is developing the ability to elaborate on his communication. Go turnip. Again.

Ok stay tuned as i bitch myself to gretty and hold on to my tuesday twelve til hers as done. In the meantime, Ill try to get my little photo essay of last night with gretty. Ive entitled it "A designated driver in decline".

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

oh there's a tuesday twelve a comin'

But it aint here yet. Instead? You guessed it. Stars devoid of theme.

* My right palm has been getting very itchy for the past three nights when I go to bed. Like flesh tearingly itchy. But without any rash. Gill thinks Im coming into some money. I think Gill is insane and that I am having some allergic reaction to something by my bed.

* Have you ever been in a situation where you need to make someone who doesnt like you or believe in what you do cooperate with you? Well, thats basically my job. I dont mind it but Im realizing more and more that when my efforts result in making said person like me, I become kind of depressed and slightly horrified. Its like accidentally being too friendly to the creepiest kid in school and finding that they glommed on to you. Except instead of subtly but firmly brushing the person off, you have to keep being friendly. And at the end of the day, after they've looked down your shirt (with your consent) a few times, you just feel kind of....gross.

*Tomorrow is the last game of the kickball season. We did not make play offs. But we found out that we are not at the bottom. We are actually in a three way tie for last place. If we win tomorrow that jumps us up the board like crazy (but we still will not make play offs)

* Have I mentioned lately how much I love Dexter (not the laboratory but the serial killer)? My only complaint is that his sister continues to over cuss. It sounds stupid. Im all about cussing but it has to flow. Her cussing doesnt flow. I dont blame the actress. Its written that way.

* Gret has helped me come to the realization that im possibly overmedicated right now. It would explain why when my shrink upped my adderall to 60mgs from 50 I completely fell apart organizationally. I see him on thursday. My therapist wants me to go medieval on his ass. I just might.

* Well that provided a perfect segue (yes for you Moe because it will NEVER get old!) into my therapeutic breakthrough this evening! (its a story so im not starring paragraphs) I was sharing some frustration with different areas in my life and relating my surprise at both my strong reactions to these frustrations and how right these strong reactions felt for me. We were discussing the difference between these reactions and those irrational "omg my meds clearly need adjusted" moments. I was sharing my fear that I may have evolved into a complete jerk and just dont care anymore. My therapist said one sentence and it was like the fog lifted. "You arent being heard".

Friends, I thought Id been struck by lightening but in a good way. It explained why i keep thinking that the world would be a better place if people just LISTENED to me. DAMN RIGHT IM NOT BEING HEARD!!! It was so obvious because I was so clearly not being heard in either of the areas Id identified to her and had actually mentioned this to people who cared enough to listen to me but I didnt link it to my strong frustration. I even began an email addressing some frustrations to my friend the other day and one of my first lines was "thank you so much for hearing me". Yet i still didnt realize any connection. My first reaction was "ok so why do i need to get heard so badly? what deficit is this in me?" and then she throws me ANOTHER curve ball! She says its NORMAL and NECESSARY to make yourself heard. Im not going to bog the blog down with lengthy explanations as to why this is novel to me but Ill tell you, Im kind of pumped up about it! We didnt get to the part where she told me how to manage it so we will all be waiting two more weeks to find out. I do see this as a new stage in Operation Kiss My Ass and Im excited!

Stay Tuned for Gretty's tuesday twelve. Twelve songs that make me feel happy!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

A dream and some random crap

So if you add up all the time Ive spent in classrooms in my life, I believe that my first four years and a few gappy years in my twenties were my only non-school years. So at the very least, Ive spent about 30 years in classroom settings. Having said that, I find it extremely odd that when I dream about classrooms involving my current job, the setting is always a very specific classroom that Ive never actually seen in life. Ive dreamt about this classroom four or five times and its always the same damn classroom. Last night, the dream involved me creating a situation where I needed to walk about fifteen miles from the classroom to my office. At the end of the dream, after I made friends with a kindly bus driver who cut several miles off the walk by letting me ride with her elementary school kids, I realized I could have driven the whole time. Im sure its symbolic somehow. I just don't know how.

* We have a new bank. I like the fact that it appears to be user friendly. However, it is uglier than the old bank. Im finding the ugliness outweighs a lot of the joy im getting out of the new found efficiency.

* I think I really like Bill Richardson. It makes me sad that he totally has no chance of winning.

* In a related note, just because Al Gore won the Nobel Prize does not mean he has a chance if he ran for president. Interestingly, I read a great article in Vanity Fair talking about how the Clinton Gore relationship failed in 2000 because of Hilary's run for senate. Sources say that had Bill been more supportive of Al, he would have won the election hands down (oh wait, he did...). Still, the moment is gone.

* We watched Fast Food Nation yesterday. I wish I could tell you folks that I was disgusted and would never eat fast food again. It was kind of gross, but its not like I thought I was eating corn fed Angus that had spent many happy years wandering the pastures and died a sweet peaceful death with its calves surrounding it. I am still buying happy chicken eggs and I havent actually bought beef for our home in quite some time. Thats a lie. I just bought frozen hamburgers from sam's club. Damn. Its so easy to forget. Ive got to become a better person.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Tuesday Twelve

Because Im way behind on the tts, and because its probably not all that effective to deal with the last three hours of baby tantrum by screaming in the same high pitched tone back in the turnip's face or offering up phrases like " "Melmo hates mean babies" and "Shut your DAMM pIIIIEEEE holllle". And also because Norm responded to my warning that im a woman on the edge with "no you arent, you are a woman with your straight eyes open" Im clearly in need of a smile list.

Twelve things that make me smile:

1. Screaming "Shut yer damm pie hole" at my two year old.

2. Having my five year old jump in and scream it with me. (ok this isnt my "how am i mother of the year" list so back off)

3. The season premiere of "The Office".

4. Premium Cable On Demand. Who thought of this? Because it is FUCKING BRILLIANT.

5. Avoiding a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party only to have gill share the conversation he walked into between my friend T and someone else as he arrived at the party:
T: How come all the husbands get out of these things? (notices gill approaching) I see the husband in your relationship got out of it too.

(T, if you are reading this I SWEAR I was legitimately falling asleep mid conversation)

6. Norm just now approaching me shyly, in dead seriousness, and asking in the most conversational tone, "Can I smell your armpits?"

7. Being able to scream the lyrics to "I think I love you" by the partridge family at the top of my lungs in my car after finding a lost mix cd.

8. Lindsay Lohan finally committing to sobriety. I pray for that girl every day. (ok that statement was for my own amusement)

9. The turnip counting to 20:
....un....feee...feee...feee....nine..nine...nine...fee..eight.. un...un...un...eighteen... eighteen... eighteen... eighteen... fee... fee... fee ...TEET!!! (this is counting along with sesame street)

10. Mentally creating a thursday thirteen list of all the things I hate about zoe monster from sesame street.

11. A possible light at the end of the tunnel of my double job. (I cant say anymore for fear of jinxing myself).

12. Why does this man have a small faux votive candle on his head? Stories soon to follow.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Ben 10

is the coolest cartoon EVER. Today it is anyway. Except for foster's. Oh and justice league unlimited. Random stars Random stars

*Dateline-Saturday October 6. 1108am. Living room. Captain and crew are watching A BRAND NEW CODE LYOKO! I capitalize it because the preferred way to discuss the show is not to just call it by name but to sing A BRAND NEW CODE LYOKO! every time you mention it. You must do this until your five year old bursts out into screams telling you he cant take it anymore.

* So, Ive got more cleavage data to share. Back at the middle school (workplace of the guidance counselor looky lou, I think we will call him SHAZAM) V-neck. Not too low. Talking with ( probably more attractive than I) friend in crew top. Shazam ignored hot crew top friend. Had a jokey conversation with my chest. I really want to seriously commit to a long term analysis of this ("Examining The Correlation Between Low Cut Tops and Achieved Clinical Outcomes at the Middle School. A Longitudinal Study") but I have a kid in crisis there now so the girls have to attend everything for the next few weeks.

* I had my heart break in a million pieces yesterday. A million pieces. (everyone is ok physically) The thing I hate the most is when everybody in a dynamic is someone i love or like and hurting still happens.

*I also hate it when someone tells me something extremely shocking and painful about their past, and I am not shocked. Because Ive wallowed in similar swamps of dysfunction before. Alone and with others. I hate being familiar with so much depravity.

* The past two items are unrelated.

* I meant to search my archives to find out how many times Ive actually posted about what a BAD IDEA it is to take my tired children shopping at night. Especially when my adderall is wearing down and my ADD is full force. I dont actually have words to describe last night's visit to target, but ill try.

-Turnip: Scream. Climb.
-Norm: Have to go to the bathroom.
- Turnip: Scream.
- Norm: "can we get my pokemon cards now?"
-Turnip: Cry. Smack
- Me: Struggle to pin climbing child down in cart.
- Turnip: Scream.
-Norm: can we get my pokemon cards now?"
-Turnip: Climb. Grab at merchandise.
-Norm: "can we get my pokemon cards now?"
-Turnip: Scream.
-Me: Carry child while pushing cart. (ADD kicks in here).

Two walking children. Two hiding under racks children. One child back in cart Scream. Cry. One child firmly chastised for modeling dangerous behavior to his lttle brother.

-Turnip: Scream. Cry. CLimb.
-Me: Pin down child in cart.

It went on. And on. And on. Children walked and rode and screamed and cried. And pokemon cards were gotten despite hiding in racks due to extremely redeemable and helpful five year old recovery behavior. And much outward apologizing and explaining to onlookers and store staff that I now realize this was a really bad idea. And much inward rage and resentment and desire to scream "OH? You think he's tired? Well thank you OBI FUCKING WAN KENOBI! I thought the crack pipe i let him smoke when he came back from pimping his bad little diapered ass for me would keep him awake!" or "No jackass, he does NOT need a smack on the ass. If he was five, he might need one but he is TWO and it his PAST HIS BEDTIME and as you can see, despite the little mishap in the clothes racks the five year old also does not need smacked. But you do motherfucker!" or "Here is why i dont just take that poor baby home. He is part of a neo-Nazi clinical trial run by a high ranking German official who is disguised as a gerbil and lives in my dining room. We are doing an over stimulus sleep deprivation test on this child and ask that you do not interfere. I will express your concerns to Herr Goebells. But he will probably have you killed for it".

I think i need some sort of 12 step program where i am not allowed to take them both somewhere alone until I call someone to talk me down. Gill clearly enables this although he did suggest I leave turnip home. "But he misses me! He will just cry!" Im such a fucking idiot. Anyway, thats enough for now.

* I will sign off with the possibility that I may just be on blogtalk radio tonight. Madame Fabu and I will be riding home from a wedding drunk off our asses. Nothing better than a group drunk dial from the road!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Because I was not a mass of depressive need before today....

(no im kidding. I was. I have been all week)

But without trying to sound desperate or pathetic, Im joining the ranks of half my blogroll and calling out delurkers! If you read and don't comment or havent commented in a while or even just want to pretend to be someone else to make me feel better, today is the day friends. Today is the day.

The Great Mofo Delurk 2007

WTFIIO Wednesday?

In place of the WTF wed, Im offering the why the fuck is it only wednesday post. You know, im not going to apologize for bullets or stars anymore. Unless there is a story, why would i put it in paragraph form. I embrace the random lists of crap friends. Go me.

* The PTO meeting resulted in me volunteering for some community advisory council. For about ten minutes I was excited that Id be able to use my expertise to make a difference in Norm's school. That illusion was quickly shattered as it became more and more clear that the fact that I own a laminator outshines any clinical value id have in an advisorial position.

* Friends, I know I disobey rules of grammar and do not proof-read, so this claim may not ring true for some but the truth of the matter is...Im kind of smart. Like nerd smart. Im bringing this up because I found out that I was in grad school with the actual clinical advisor. Friends, I say this without judgment. She is really not bright at all. In fact when I think of the intelligence scales the phrase (my favorite phrase in fact) dull normal comes to mind. Plus she is mean. Mean and dumb. Im half dreading working with her and half looking forward to the chance to be smarter than her in a group setting. I realize thats not very nice. But she really isnt very nice either. And my ego needs this. The fifth graders are taking me for granted these days....

* Speaking of which, you know the work day was pretty much a complete waste of what could have been an eight hour nap when the most therapeutic moment of your day involved the sentence "you aren't the boss of the marshmallows." And you are the one saying it.

* It did not get better. I went to a meeting after school with my team and a teacher. It started normally enough as we followed the teacher back to her classroom. She was a bit odd looking, extremely thin with long crunchy looking dyed blond hair. And a face that had to have seen better days. Still, if this job has taught me anything, its that there are a lot of odd looking people out there. So nothing was amiss. Yet. This is going to require another star.

* As we walk into her classroom, the first thing we notice is a GIANT hourglass on her desk. Not an egg timer. An hourglass. You know, like the one the wicked witch of the west times Dorothy's demise with? And friends, it was trickling. Then as we started talking, it immediately became clear that the teacher had some sort of verbal tic. Every sentence seemed to involve a hiccup and ended with her using a tone about an octave higher. Now friends, im a compassionate person. I really am. But just as my faithful readers will remember, I have issues with missing body parts, I struggle equally with situations such as this one. I really wanted to a)try not to ask questions so she wouldnt have to use sentences b) somehow stop the meeting and do a stress reducing exercise in case the tic was stress related and of course c) laugh. Thankfully I didnt do anything like this. My friend Andy is part of the team and she was with me. I was terrified to make eye contact with her lest we spontaneously burst into chimpanzee like laughter or at the very least, mortified giggles. It truly was mortifying. I feel like I should break this into more stars.

* The situation was not helped by the fact that she really had zero interest in talking to us and practically threw us out of her room. Ok this feels starred wrong. I apologize.

Ill stop now. I need a smile list.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

The week in summary

I realize its tuesday and i will do my things to be happy about tuesday twelve when Gret does. Or before. Or after. Anyway here is my week in review (but not in any particular order)

* Wednesday was a grumpy day for both the perfect storm and me. We were both tired from the day out on tuesday and I was getting more and more bitter every time she bragged about making the pretzel. Hey PS! You sucked ok? Just accept it.

* Wednesday afternoon proved my theory about the correlation between my cleavage exposure and cooperation from the one guidance counselor. I didnt particularly need anything so I went crew neck. What I did not expect was for him to be a total prick throughout the whole meeting. It looks like Im going to have to get the girls back over there soon so he doesnt fuck up the rest of the year.

*Kickball was cancelled Wednesday night. I wasnt sorry because I was REALLY tired.

* Thursday was ok. There were a few dark moments like sitting in the Gulag house while the amazon mom was on the phone. She had a pair of toe nail clippers right there and friends, Ive never in my life felt so compelled to clip my toenails in my life. It was the strangest thing! All I could think of was taking off my shoes and clipping my toenails. It got better after she got off the phone but it really never subsided until I left. I never want to go to that place in my mind again friends.

* Thursday evening's supervision almost ended in a fist fight. instigated by me. because after arguing with someone for the better part of an hour throughout group, i had the realization she was not going to listen. which would have been fine if i wasnt fairly certain she was going to ignore my directive to keep her mouth shut to families and go about spreading misinformation. If this seemed confusing, let me sum up with this phrase JENNY MCARTHY IS NOT AN EXPERT ON AUTISM. It doesnt MATTER that she was on Larry King. SHE IS NOT AN EXPERT.

* Fortunately thursday ended well with two surprises. The first was a phone call from Norm saying I got my package. Guess what? My Rockdog stein came in the mail! Ill have pictures as soon as i can find my camera. Thanks RD. I feel commemorated.

* The second surprise was a lovely party hosted by my very good friend sega. It was one of those food parties. (And sorry lucy, i booked. Its sega's SISTER! She is really nice. Not like phyllis at all. And I promise vodka slushies). I realize this shouldnt have been a surprise but I kept forgetting about it so everytime madame fabu reminded me it was like finding out I had something fun to do all over again.

* I forgot. The third surprise was some home-made wine at the party from my other friend, Shakes. Apparently her father makes wine. I was particularly fond of the green apple!

* Friday morning wasnt great. I fucked up end of the month stuff and it took way longer than it should have so I missed my fifth grade party. The good part was i got there right when the sheep died in "Babe" (they watched a movie) so it went pretty fast.

* It got significantly better after I was done at school. I arrived at the office to find that Shakes had left me a bottle of green apple wine! Delightful friends. Just delightful.

* I then got to spend the evening first having dinner with Gretty (who gave us a gerbil) then drinks (and drinks) and bread with my darlin' Feather. It was much needed soul time all around and it also just tickles my spirit that Feather pronounces gerbil with a hard G which makes me think of Goebells. I dont know why that pleases me. It does though.

* Saturday. Ill sum up our saturday morning.(norm is angry and bitter. I am firm but whiny.)
Norm: I hate soccer.
Me: I hate soccer too but we still have to go.
Norm: Why? Its not fair.
Me: Because we made a commitment and im afraid of uncle-coaches wrath.
Norm: Whats a commitment
Me: Remember when i said you couldnt quit if you hated soccer when we signed up? That was a commitment
Norm: Why did you let me do that? Its all your fault.
Me: You said you wanted to play. It doesnt matter now because we are stuck until the end of the season and then we never have to do this again.
Norm: I hate soccer.
Me: Me too.

I think I will stop there. Saturday and Sunday were relatively uneventful. I took the kids to my brother's for the weekend, leaving gill to his own devices. He appeared to be intact and the house was somewhat better than when we left, so im guessing it went good for him too. Yesterday? The PTO meeting? Well...thats best left for the next post.....

Monday, October 01, 2007

A tag

Ok folks,
Im wayyyyy behind. End of month + out of town + whiny whiny baby= lack of sleep. And Im going back to bed after this. Im planning a week in summary post but first, I answer this tag from Bunny. Here is my desk top. It is available for a limited time only. I will not identify those in the picture but know they are well-loved family here at chez panflutemaster. And this is my current all time favorite picture. And the turnip is not wearing an ascot, its a hair band. And a harry potter shirt. Which of my regular readers can guess where he got the harry potter shirt? Anyway, there are a lot of icons because even my desktop is disorganized.

I tag my blogroll.
Besides Bunny.
And zig. Who she already tagged.

Edited to add: not sure why the picture is so small. I cant figure out how to make it larger. Click on and its a bit bigger....