Tuesday, October 31, 2006


What kind of wife doesnt steal her own spouse's MeMe? Its a little out there but if you know Gill-Smoke then this will not surprise you.

1. What did you dream last night? I dreamt about my grammy. I was due. I dreamt she was there and I somehow knew I wouldnt be able to hug her because it was a dream but I tried to anyway, but she stopped me and said, she didnt know what would happen because she thought her insides might have been gnawed out. For some reason we both giggled. I was crying because i was so happy to see her. I asked her how it was on the other side and she said it was "cool". The dream made me so happy.

2. What image or symbol represents the absolute of your desires? The beloved tree sloth

3. In what ways has your fate been affected by invisible forces you don't understand or are barely aware of? Meet my husband Gill-smoke. Finding him was PURE FATE.

4. Tell a good lie. Well Norm, we cant go to the water part of the amusement park because its closed. Those kids are walking around with towels because they took showers in the boys room because they were so hot. We cant go in the boys room because daddy isnt here.

5. What were the circumstances in which you were most dangerously alive? Living on the mountain.

6. Are you a good listener? If so, describe how you listen. If not, explain why not. I Yes thats why I get paid the big bucks. I try to listen without judgment and with empathy

7. Compose an exciting prayer in w hich you ask for something you're not supposed to. Sweet baby jesus all wrapped up in your gold fleece diaper, please smite my enemies by causing them to pee their own pants whenever they dont listen to my advice. Oh baby jesus all snug in your manger watching baby einstein shapes learning about shapes and colors, please curse that lady who spelled her kid's name all stupid that makes me want to point and laugh him. Make others point and laugh at her like I point and laugh unto her kid.

8. What's the difference between right and wrong? My opinions obviously

9. Name something you've done to undo, subvert, or neutralize the Battle of the Sexes. My wife and I have non standard gender roles.

10. Have you ever witnessed a child being born? If so, describe how it changed you. No I couldnt see anything. It was pretty damn intense though.

11. Compose a beautiful blasphemy that makes you feel like crying.
I had to think about this. I ended up crying in my therapist's office because my sweetest friend's dog died. And I was crying because my friend is so beautiful and because I love that she is my family and that seemed a beautifully blasphemous outburst for my therapy session.

12. What do you do to make people like you? I pay them

13. If you're not familiar with the Jungian concept of the "shadow," find out about it. If you are, good. In either case, give a description of the nature of your personal shadow. "the black. it represents my mother".

14. Talk about three of your most interesting personalities. Give each one a name and a power animal. Well first there is Hank. His power animal would probably be a swine. He is a male chauvinist 50s husband who expects to be waited on hand and foot. He is a pig, but he does love his spouse. Then there is Carl Wheezer. His power animal is a llama. He has many fears and neuroses. He is generally a pushover and a hypochondriac. Finally, there is Crse. A confused and dishevelled spider monkey who is entertaining and chaotic but will often surprise the masses with spasms of common sense and wisdom here and there.

15. Make up a dream in which you lose control and thereby attract a crowd of worshipers. The lies I tell Norm eventually escalate into fundamental belief systems for four year olds everywhere. Soon I have a cult on my hands yet they are all four years old so I cant even cash in on them.

16. Name your greatest unnecessary taboo and how you would violate it if it didn't hurt anyone. Ohhh... I mustnt speak of it...its too taboo...

17. Give an example of how smart you are in the way you love. I can only point to my family (stealing this from gill but adding) and my friends.

18. What ignorance do you deserve to be forgiven for?
Ignoring the suffering of the people around me (going with gill's here too)

19. What was the pain that healed you the most? Having a horrible mom then becoming a mom myself.

20. Make a prediction about yourself.
I predict I will be eating halloween candy within the next half hour.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Summary Dashes of Stupidity

Does anyone remember that saturday night live skit that spoofed a jeans ad called "bad idea" jeans? It had the male cast members standing around wearing jeans saying things like "Yeah my buddy just got out of rehab. Im sure he kicked the heroin for good this time so Im going to let him move in with me". And "Yeah I normally wear condoms but i thought what the hell, when am I gonna be in Bangkok again?" I usually feel that I could be a part of that commercial on any given day. I have to say though, this weekend was spectacular in the amount of bad ideas I could generate all at once. Im pretty tired tonight but I am gonna dash a few of my really bad ideas off for you, patient readers. Im going to stop short of explaining them and let you draw your own conclusions:

- (this one is really almost every time I leave the house) Forgot to ask Norm to see if he had to go to the bathroom before a two hour car trip after allowing him to drink three glasses of lemonade.

-Picking a costume for the turnip with lots of shiny dangly loose parts.

- Deciding at the last minute that the turnip could possibly end up eating the costume he was going to wear and dragging the entire family to target two and a half hours before trick or treat at my brother's (who incidentally lives about an hour and a half away) passing up no less than three places advertising discount costumes so I could pay 19.95 for a tigger costume that is clearly too tight around his middle and makes him look more like garfield than tigger. (still cute though)

- Telling Gill he could take the stroller and continue trick or treating with norm so I could carry the turnip for a block back to my brother's house. Except the turnip didnt really cotton to the idea of being carried....

- Being 45 minutes away from finishing my entire months worth of paperwork on FRIDAY and procrastinating the final touches till 3am this morning because I WANTED TO BUILD UP MY SPIDER SOLITAIRE WINS!

- Deciding at 3am that perhaps I shouldnt drive to the next state to turn it into the drop box, choosing instead to wait till morning take the kids to said state and back to town for an 11 o clock drs. appt. (a little shout out to madame fabu for making that easier than I deserve).

- Calling the drs office and telling them id be five minutes late in case they wanted to reschedule (insert a WTF here with who cancels you over FIVE MINUTES? BASTARDS!).

- Deciding to take the kids to the library after being stuck in the car for two solid hours (minus the numerous norm peeing on the side of the road stops)the last half hour involving the turnip SCREAMING inconsolably from the back seat.

ok i could continue but im exhausted. And I owe gill the MeMe. Hey I just realized its bitch and moan monday! I didnt even remember that when I started the post!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Shout out

Ok Gill-smoke is doing his first MeMe. Please go see it! Im very excited for him. Its a tough one and Im going to do it too once I get my crap together. Anyway, he promised not to go to bed till he is finished and its posted....

Friday, October 27, 2006

In case you just cant get enough of MeME!

Ok let me retrace the path of this one. First seen at my darlin' Luckybuzz's place who apparently found it at the splendid blog of Canada who got it from my aforementioned newest blogtastic object of stalking Nancycle. Phew! Thats a lot of referencing! But hey this is my reward for a particularly gruelling day of note-writing.

Explain what ended your last relationship? Um. I kind of moved without telling him. (why does this keep coming up lately?)

When was the last time you shaved?
Uh september? im growing my winter beard. (no seriously two days ago and im going to go do that when im done.)

What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Giggling with my kids in bed.

What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Reading Luckybuzz's blog.

Are you any good at math? I agree with Nancycle. Math can be a beautiful thing. When i took stats in grad school i was so proud of myself, i used to try to get gill to come watch me do problems.

Your prom night, what do you remember about it? Puking horribly with the flu. Karma from turning down a boy who I didnt like by saying I was going out of town.

Do you have any famous ancestors? No but my great great grandmother was apparently some shawnee of importance.

Have you had to take a loan out for school? Funny you should mention that. They're calling me as i write this. Stupid defaulting laws...

Do you know the words to the song on your MySpace profile? I dont even understand this question.

Last thing received in the mail? I didnt look at the rest of the stuff but i got my new pin number for my bank card! yay!

How many different beverages have you had today? Five.

Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine? What a timely meme. I was just the object of a message intervention last night when everyone in my supervision group (led by Madame Fabu, who organized a phone comparison to investigate the problem) about my inaudible and giggly messages.

Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? The michael stanley band. If you are not from the midwest, you probably have no idea. All i can say is "thank god for the man who put the white lines on the highway"

Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? I do.

What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had? Im not going there.

What is out your back door? my back yard.

Any plans for Friday night? Dinner with my wimmin (yay!) more note writing (boo hiss) Spider solitaire (shameful blush)

Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? yes.

Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Are you looking for gift ideas for me? Popcorn is always a delightful gift.

Have you ever been to a planetarium? I heart the planetarium.

Do you re-use towels after you shower? Yes and I cant understand why this is gross. You are CLEAN when you get out. The towel cant possibly be any worse afterwards!

Some things you are excited about?
Dinner with my wimmin. Trick or treating at bonzais on sunday. And Tuesday. Mini Fabus birthday party and subsequent crsemas parade. Crsemas season.

What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Ah i dont really care as long as there is vodka or whisky in it.

Describe your keychain(s)? Well again, how timely. My keys are actually attached to a small green terrycloth bag that says "happiest in the hamptons" (no ive never been nor had any desire to be in the hamptons) that i keep my money card, my license and various odds and ends in so i dont lose them. And now my keychain also consists of the ELECTRIC START REMOTE for my pimpin' new buick.

Where do you keep your change? See bag above.

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? either every week or the july before last depending on your definition of large group.

What was the weather like on your graduation day? hot and sunny all three times.

Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Closed. More time to call 911. If Gill was not sleeping with the turnip and me with Norm it would be open. But I prefer closed. Plus it keeps it darker.

What kind of winter coat do you own?
I dont yet....

thursday thirteen a day late and stolen

This idea was an emergency rip off from the esteemed Snarkypants. Thanks Lisa for bailing me out this week! I gotta admit though after writing it, the post is kind of boring. Lisa's life is more exciting than mine!

Thirteen Things I do everyday (or most days anyway)

1. Wake up (thankfully and obviously)

2. Tend to the little spider monkeys.

3. Accidentally call Belleria restaurant between three and five times a day because they are the first listing in my phone book after I had to replace my friend Andy’s number because she kept getting long ass messages when I dialed her in my pocket and would call me back panicked thinking I was locked in a trunk somewhere.

4. Take about 16 ibuprofen for what appears to be my teeth grinding problem.

5. Check my email group for word from my wimmin.

6. Read my blogs. (most of the time).

7. Do my site routine of CNN, court tv, the jewish world review (oy vey) and Internet Movie Database movie and studio news. (I do hate CNN but have not found another good news option. Any suggestions out there?)

8. Support and maintain our household identity as the “house of a million kisses and I love yous”.

9. Obsessively call Gill-smoke to make sure he does not forget to pick up the children. (You think Im being naggy and neurotic? LAST WEDNESDAY I called to make sure they were on their way to swim class? Gill is like “no we are eating dinner.” When I said “its WEDNESDAY?” he said, “so? You didn’t remind me.” And I had to give him that)

10. The very minimal grooming of washing down, putting on deodorant and brushing my teeth with my AWESOME toothbrush. (most days I shower too, but we are talking EVERY day, I need to be honest)

11. Obsess about our financial situation.

12. Feed my birds.

13. Say some prayer to God involving thank yous and requests for loved one safety and healthiness.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Using My Powers For Good
Lil Duck Duck
Ash In Wonderland

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

weird MeMe!

This is why I try to pick gracious people to stalk....once the ever so solicitious Pippajo realized I was going to steal the MeMe anyway, she tagged me! You Pippa, are a queen among women.

Nine Weird Things About Me

Now I will preface these by apologizing if some of this is old news for you folks. When your life is an open book, it can be hard to generate fresh stuff. Fortunately, I think i might be weird enough to have completely new material on this MeMe.

1. I have a secret crush on my pharmacist (sorry you had to find out this way gill)

2. I really liked never having to go into labor.

3. I have had an abnormally large number of girl stalkers. In grad school I had three at once. In fact, there is a woman at work who I know has a girl crush on me (and this sends my bosses into fits of giggles, which strangely does not offend me)

4. I forget to comb my hair more days than i care to admit.

5. I have a fifties style bonnet hair dryer that is next to my couch and on cold evenings I love to take a shower and dry my hair under it. Its ugly as hell and it damages the crap out of my hair but its so damn comfy!

6. I cant stand having my back to doors. Im worried someone is going to come in and shoot me before I can stop them.

7. I refused to write with a pencil for most of my adult life.

8. I have a SERIOUS phobia about calling people on the phone. Strangely its worst with my closest friends. I am terrified Im going to be interrupting something and they wont want to be my friend anymore.

9. I hate eating salads, not because I dont like the taste of them, but because it seems so hard to grapple with the lettuce and the toppings.

Ok if you read this TAG you are it!

Monday, October 23, 2006

not that bitchy and moany...

Ok a few items to actually blog about. As referred to in the Me Me, The turnip got a Very Bad Haircut. We cut his bangs (I blame Gill-smoke. He has been pressuring/threatening a crew cut for a while). Norm thinks he looks like our little cousin (who actually turned four today). So every time the Turnip crawls up, Norm says "hi megan. what is it megan?" which i know i should not find hilarious but I do. (I mean I do love Megan but her haircut is a little....bad) (As Luckybuzz might remember, Megan is Larry's daughter which ideally will enhance her enjoyment of this anecdote)

The other thing. One of the rough parts of being a therapist is putting personal beliefs aside. Some times are easier than others. If I know Im going to a fundamental praise the lord and pass the ammunition household, I prep myself accordingly and smile and nod at appropriate times. Today however, I was in the household of a family I truly love (I actually love most of my families as quirky as they are) and the phone rang. It was the republican party. Im waiting for the sarcastically witty comeback from Mom. No comeback. THEY ARE REPUBLICAN!!!! The room went black and I have no recall of the next few moments. Apparently I kept composure because nothing seemed amiss when I recovered. However, all night long, Ive been struggling. How do intelligent kind witty good decent people end up being republican without me even knowing it? Dont get me wrong my beloved blogorepublicans. My dearest brother is a republican. He is intelligent kind witty good and decent. BUT OBVIOUSLY AND BLATANTLY REPUBLICAN! How did i miss this? Ack...i just cant say anymore...

Sunday, October 22, 2006

A new Me Me

Courtesy of my newest object of blogstalking, the effervescently entertaining Nancycle

DO YOU SNORE? When Im sick i do.


· WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR? I dare not speak its name.

· AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC? No. I found them disturbing in that you really couldnt build anything else.

· WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY” TV? It stresses me out – usually people are portrayed very poorly, it makes me uncomfortable to watch it. Generally what I've seen is people's real emotions being exploited for ratings - it sickens me. (This is direct from Nancycle. I couldnt have said it better myself)

· DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? No. And it grosses me out when grown ups do.

· WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? I was a gorgeous baby. Good genetics. WHat can I say?

· IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? Sigh....too late for that.



· HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? No and probably can live my life without needing to do that.

· ANY SECRET TALENTS? I have many secret talents.


· CAN YOU SWIM? Lets put it this way. I can not drown.


· DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE? Well yes. I dont bike to work or anything but i dont want my children to suffocate in toxicity either.

· HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? If I ever met a person who could actually do the licking...well...i think theyd be a pretty fun date...


· DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER? Electric pencil sharpeners are amazing.

· WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? As a stalker I think I really dont have a right to speak on this...

· IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? My past. My present. My future.

· DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes. I want to marry it.

· WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? the environment.

· WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU” ? About a half hour ago to Gill-smoke as I was examining the turnip's Very Bad Haircut that we gave him jointly.

· DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? Depends on if I like the people getting married.

· HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? unfertilized.

· ARE BLONDES DUMB? Not any dumber than brunettes or red-heads or grey haired folks or bald people. People in general can be very dumb, regardless of hair color.

· WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? In the sock lemonade. Duh.

· WHAT TIME IS IT? 7:52pm


· IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING? Are you kidding? I mclove the crap out of it.


· DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? If the bathtub is truly luxurious, a bath, otherwise a shower.

· IS SANTA CLAUS REAL? If he is, he has screwed me over badly for the past several years.


· ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? no. Im afraid of what is in the dark.

· WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? Crystal meth er spider solitaire.




· IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? If I wanted to wander around unable to accomplish anything in a neurotic mass of anxiety, sure.



· DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? Well..in theory yes.

· ARE YOU PSYCHIC? Well Im intuitive.

· HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE? Yes i like Salinger a lot.


· HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY? Only from my brothers. They knew and stole from me as well.


· DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? Are my friends who know better on the floor laughing?


· DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? Very much so.

· ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND? What man? What dog?

· YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? Moreso than santa claus




· WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Toasted ravioli from market day.



· WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? The one for the mail away e-bay lesson. Where the guy chuckles and says, I cant promise you will make a million dollars selling baseball cards from the attic. ANd then chuckles again. I find that second chuckle so condescending I cant stand it.

· DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? No but based on the labels from my brother's hand me downs, I wear their merchandise anyway.

· FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT? I dont like candy corn

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

this aint no thursday thirteen

As a parent, you know many moments of powerlessness regarding your children. Im used to the poignant ones. Today I had my first experience with another type of powerless moment. Being behind a glass wall at swim class with a row of parents watching Norm standing in full view of everyone, slowly and deliberately picking his butt. For like two solid minutes. You think "two minutes? ha, thats not so long!" but look at your clock now. Ok now imagine yourself being stabbed with a needle continuously for the next two minutes.....see what I mean? You just dont see those moments in the parent books.

Ok since we are on the topic of disturbing things involving my children, let me throw this out there for my lovely blogosphere friends. Norm has been obsessed with the idea of getting a big sister lately. Its all he talks about. For some insanely stupid reason, I told him that we are considering adopting an older child at some point in life. (something we've always talked about) To explain why we arent doing it now, we explained that we dont have the money. So now he thinks that when we get the money we are going to "buy" a big sister. Ive had a sense of low-grade anxiety about this for a while but today he brought home a piece of art from day-care that showed a depiction of him in a hot air balloon and guess who was with him....you got it...big sister. I remember wanting a sister very badly when i was little and growing out of it. But Im still sort of alarmed by all of this. Am I over-reacting?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

well sheesh

Borrowed from my most favorite entertainment system of all time Luckybuzz

Move one time to break up with a guy to avoid a confrontation and suddenly people cast words like "brutal" around....

The Sudden Departure
Random Brutal Love Master (RBLMf)

Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call.

You are The Sudden Departure.

You've been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you're a really fantastic girl who doesn't really know what she wants, and you've broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you're there, either boredom or the old "grass is greener" syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.

Your exact opposite:
The Intern

Deliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer
We know you're not the classic "love 'em and leave 'em" type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you're theoretically looking to settle down, you don't settle long on one person. "Serial monogamist" is probably something you hear a lot. "Emotionally loose" is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn't really make much difference. Of course, it's not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Backrubber, The Gentleman

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail, someone just like you

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

Bitch and Moan Monday (a day late)

It seems like I cannot get through the early part of my week without some sort of grumpiness. Even as I write this I have to remind myself to unclench my teeth. As my chalky little nubs become smaller, I realize sadly, that not only do I grind at night I also grind during the day. Dont get me wrong gentle readers. I do love my job. But it can be very very difficult and some of it requires a sense of self that I may not have developed yet. "But CRSE", you may ask. "You are 36 years old and you look like Quincy Jones. You must have some sense of self." Well yes dear readers I do have some sense of who I am. But on days like today, where it rains from start to finish, and fellows who don't really like me but are for some reason obsessed with me (not in the "I think your really hot and am pretending we are together" way, but in the "Right now, I am limited to examining your work on a daily basis to look for flaws, but if i loose a few more screws, Im going to turn you into a lamp shade" way)invite themselves to my PAMPERED CHEF party (ok granted, I did invite him, but folks, he stared at me until I did. I hemmed and hawed about copying down his address until he COPIED IT HIMSELF). Days like today when the damn principal has the whole team scared to say that two plus two equals four and the secretary meanly tells me that Im not invited to the Thursday's meeting, forcing me ONCE AGAIN (for the third time today) to confront the family that set the meeting which i must do by assuming the role of stalker ex lover who calls your house continually and pretends you still have a relationship. Days like today I just cant muster it up folks. This is exacerbated by a visit to my therapist's tonight where we ended up discussing my mother and her visits to my nightmares and finally coming home to our baby of perpetual dissatisfaction. Folks, I. Feel. Beaten.

Monday, October 16, 2006

the real slim shady

And the reason I switched to blogger beta? Because I couldnt upload photos.

Ok as I engaged in my normal morning routine of blogroaming, I encountered a celebrity look alike game at the blog of The Truly Visually Stunning Ash. Now let me preface this by saying Ive seen pictures of Ash. She is beautiful. (this is not why i read her blog. I read her blog because she is also pee your pants funny, thought provoking, and reminds me of a young thin beautiful more together me...but I digress) If you want to play the game, you have to go to her blog. I have no idea how to link it. So when you look at her matches you can see the resemblance. You say to yourself, wow she really does look like Grace Kelly and Eva Mendes.

I did the test using four pictures. I got in this order:

Mylene Farmer

Quincy Jones

Stan Lee

Molly Sims

Now dear readers, I am torn here. For those of you who don't know me in real time (minus Ash, who I had to send a picture to simply to prove that I dont really look like Quincy Jones, btw thank you for the kind words about my hair buddy) I have to tell you. I am just not Molly Sims nor Mylene Farmer. Not on my Best Day. Not even when I was 20. Once, there existed a picture of me that for one frozen moment (and this was in my EARLY 20s) through some alignment of all the powers of beauty in the universe, I look pretty hot. But these were not that picture. However, if I am going to have the will to live, I have to believe that I am also not Stan Lee or Quincy Jones (with all due respect to those fine fellows...). The most disturbing part of the game? The picture that looked like stan lee and the one that looked like molly sims were basically the same shot at different angles. Go figure...In a mildly narcisstic and desperate bid for ego boosting, I am compelled to post my picture. But Im not going to do that. However, in all fairness, I will offer anyone who needs their morbid curiousity assuaged the pictures that correspond with each celebrity.

and i wasnt even drunk

So I just switched to beta. Why? Because if you put me next to an electric fence long enough I will touch it.

Cast of characters

Boys-link on side.
George-beloved family mutt.
Madame Fabu-Best friend and supervisor. Keeps me on track. Partner in much family crime and frozen vodka drinks.
Senor Fabu- Husband of Madame. Fellow middle child. General monkey wrench in plan making.
Princess Fabu- Six year old (going on 22) Fabu daughter. Girlfriend of Norm. Mother of his 13 children according to last report.
Littlest Fabu (aka mini fabu)- Two year old Scorpio, cute enough to get away with it.
Lonnie Manko- Uberboss and professional and personal mentor. Helps reframe all the nasty stuff and keeps us laughing.
Spike- Madame Fabu's office mate and pop-culture kindred spirit. Sometimes I think Spike is the male me except younger and in much better shape. Oh and more organized and reasonable.
Cim-Fairy Godmother/bestfriend/oldest friend/ knows all the dirty laundry/ general spiritual twin.
Gretty- Fairy Godmother/sitter/bestfriend/life coach( not in order necessarily)
Erthy- Fairy Godmother/bestfriend/soul sister/ voice of moral reason.
Moe- Fairy Godmother/bestfriend/my main life passage friend. She is there for all my big times. She is hilarious and can make anything seem bearable. She also has an adorable little boy Owie who has leukemia. Moe is the hero of our tribe.
T- Fairy Godmother/bestfriend/spiritual presence/ can always be counted on for trash talking good time.
Luckybuzz- Fairy godmother/bestfriend/introduced me to blogging/oldest drinking buddy/all encompassing coolness. go see her and learn about the sexycool luckybuzz.

Bonsai- Family Ally. Sister in law (Dave's wife)/most positive maternal figure. General safe place to go.
Buddy- Family Ally. Sister in law (Dan's wife)/ closest thing to real sister in every way. Spirited and hilarious.
Lucy-Family Ally. Sister-in-law (Stepbro's wife). HILARIOUS spirit mentor.

Cast will be amended as new characters are referenced.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Sat the 14th

If you google "brain scramble" I am the first result? As of this afternoon, i was also the first result if you googled "sexy thirteen" on the google in ecuador. Strangely, since that time at least two other sites have surpassed me in ecuadorian popularity for this particular google. Yesterday was NOT a sexy thirteen. I wont go into horrific details (no offense but not for your sakes, I just cant relive it) but suffice it to say that trying to unravel a huge title transfer mess when you have to drive to the bank and write checks for cash EVERY TIME SOMEONE ELSE WONT TAKE CHECKS (IT IS 2006 people WTF!) while engaging in the futile attempt to soothe a tired, bored and extremely crabby 15 month old and maintain the interest of a relatively amenable four year old by talking about pokemon and such things can turn one's day into a totally friday the thirteenish day.

The highlight was of course when I was cut off in traffic and before I had time to react, Norm screamed "You JACKASS!". See? They do listen to us after all....

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Thirteenth Thursday thirteen dedicated to Friday the 13th

(You all can thank norm for the early list as we went to bed way too early and now i cant sleep after a brief "nap".) I was going to do 13 unlucky things that happened to me but I didnt want to arouse unnecessary negative mojo. Then I was going to go for the twist and do 13 lucky things but I couldnt think of thirteen (I live with three but then it could be 13 people im incredibly grateful for which upon reflection appeared worth saving for another TT list. You can never have too many spare list ideas). So here are thirteen things that give me the creeps. I left out the usual rats, rodents, bugs (except spiders, and spiders sadly do creep me out) snakes and pigeons because well...they are typical. So Im calling out everyone who hasnt posted yet on my usual list...

Thirteen Things That Freak me The Crap Out

1. The pregnant spider on my front porch. Gretty thinks she is beautiful. And that is the only reason she is still alive. (sidenote: I hate the whole Charlotte’s Web story but that’s another post)

2. Raccoons. I used to think they were cute. You know…the Beatles song and the cute little bandits from cartoons. But there was a rabies scare in our area involving raccoons a few years back and since then, Ive developed an unholy fear of them.

3. Rabbits. As alluded to before. No I didn’t like that scene in the holy grail. And Watership Down scares the living SHIT out of me. But my fear is not media related. Rabbits are too damn quiet. I don’t like the idea of a mammal being that quiet. Its just downright creepy.

4. When Dorothy is talking to Auntie Em and the Wicked Witch appears in the crystal ball. I will never ever be ok with that.

5. The Happy Days episode where Fonzie falls asleep in a car and dreams about a girl that died ten years before in that car. When he wakes up, he finds her purse. I saw this episode when I was like ten and the fear is just as real today.

6. The Halloween Episode of “My So-Called Life”. It is the only episode of the show I won’t watch over and over.

7. The idea of a Vampire (not the sexy Anne Rice kind) appearing in my bedroom window.

8. Any kind of ghost-y games. Im not just talking Ouija boards, Im talking about that elementary school “light as a feather” game. Erthy and Luckybuzz may remember me practically pissing myself when we played this in college.

9. The idea that dead loved ones are watching me. I don’t find this comforting. I find this incredibly unsettling.

10. Empty churches. It just seems like things can go really really badly in an empty church.

11. Those porcelain dolls that little girls sometimes collect. They look like baby dolls except their faces are pale. As if they are silently judging you with fury.

12. Mimes. See above entry about rabbits.

13. Movie soundtrack music. Gill mocks me extensively because I can read horrific details about death but the second you throw in a soundtrack Im under the chair plugging my ears.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Using My Powers For Good
Lil Duck Duck
Ash In Wonderland
From Tracie

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

WTF Wednesday

Ok this is sort of a lame one. Its more of a WTF is wrong with me post. Two highlights from the day. My friend Molly was telling me what my other friend Lisa said about someone we dont care for (who I helped out immensely last year) asking me to follow up on something for him. "Why would he ask crse to do that? She wasnt even on time for his suicide attempt?" Which is true. After I talked him down, I was supposed to meet him the next day (THIS WAS NOT A CLIENT) to accompany him for a psychological evaluation so he could seek treatment and I SLEPT IN. Fortunately (because although I dont care for him, I certainly dont want him to kill himself) he waited for me.

Flash to later today when Norm came home from day-care and gill announced that Norm told his teacher today was that I hit him with my teeth and bit him. And ok I did bite him yesterday but it was a TOTAL ACCIDENT. In fact,Im not quite sure what happened but i can tell you it was related to spider monkey activities. I was trying to pull his pants up without hitting his boo-boo (which he explained to his teacher was caused when his father "tried to kill him") and it seemed like the best way to do this was to have him hold me around the neck while i lifted him and....oh god it just went badly. Some slipping occurred. Next thing I know, he is crying and asking why I bit him? I had no idea I bit him. The whole thing as you can see was very alarming....ok this is more of a motherfreak purge than a WTF wednesday but I really do want to know, what the fuck is the matter with me?

Im IT!!! im IT!!!

Ive waited my whole life to be IT. The superblogtastic Pippajo tagged me and now im IT for the Halloween MeMe.

1. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen?
Im with Pippa on this. I dont do scary movies. Any time Ive done it, we've all lived to regret it. In fact, I cant even HEAR about scary movies without getting scared.

2. What was your favorite Halloween Costume from childhood?
ohhh childhood wasnt good. Hard call. I dont remember specific costumes. Maybe a witch?

3. If you had an unlimited budget, what would your Fantasy Costume be for this Halloween?
Sigh. Its not a budget thing. My dream costume would be me dressing up as Sonny and Gill dressing up as Cher but he REFUSES to do it.

4. When was the last time you went Trick Or Treating?
Well not counting taking the kids, seventh grade.

5. What's your favorite Halloween Candy?

6. Tell us about a scary nightmare you had.
Last week I dreamt that my older brother reconciled with my mother and was trying to get me to do so too. It was seriously scary. I woke up feeling completely wrecked.

7. What is your Supernatural Fear?
Oh im pretty much a generalist. If its supernatural im pretty much afraid of it.

8. What is your Creepy-Crawlie Fear?
Ok this is a little odd but rabbits. Rabbits scare the freaking crap out of me. I was going to do a TT about this and include them. In fact I still will.

9. Tell us about a time when you saw a ghost, or heard something go Bump in the night.
Well the only thing close to this would be when my grammy came to me in a dream after she died and I asked her why she left us and she said "I didnt know it would be so far away".

10. Would you ever stay in a real Haunted House overnight?
Holy crap not by choice.

11. Are you a traditionalist (just a face) Jack O'Lantern Carver, or do you get really creative with your pumpkins?
I dont carve. I find it barbaric and destroys the integrity of the pumpkin. Kidding. Actually Gill does the carving and he gets pretty creative.

12. How much do you decorate your home for Halloween?
Well thanks to Norm's enthusiasm we are decorated more than we have ever been with orange lights on the garage signs in the yard and fake spiderwebs everywhere (not to be confused with the real ones mind you).

13. What do you want on your Tombstone?
Sausage and Pepperoni please! (hahahahahaha)

Ok well friends, if you are reading this? Consider yourself tagged! Well speaking of scary supernatural things, my kids are actually almost ready to depart for daycare with minimal fussing and struggling this AM. Scary or not Im going with it!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Being a ping pong ball isnt always easy....

So last week my undies were very much in a bunch because I felt "betrayed" by a co-worker. If you've ever seen the movie "The Usual Suspects" (if you havent ill try not to make this a spoiler...) I was speaking to him about a delicate issue last week and he shared some information and I had what I like to refer to as a "Kaiser Soze" moment like the one Chazz Pulmentari experiences at the end of the movie where all these elements in the movie begin to add up and I realized that he was probably behind some mayhem Ive experienced in the past. Although I didnt feel even the remotest need to confront him, I spoke to him again today and realized that my initial read on him was probably right. He really is a nice person and I think I was too reactive. Sometimes nice people make bad judgment calls maybe because they are new or young or because they just trust the wrong person. I have more to post but I wanted to put that out there for the blogosphere to hear. My own personal amends to him. Sort of....Ideally Ill be back after taking Norm to Target to spend money we dont have while playing russian roulette with the checking account....

Monday, October 09, 2006

My Very Own Random Bullets of Crap

Ok but i dont feel like making the actual bullets so i guess these are random slashes of crap...

Today was not a great day

-We had day-care mayhem that affected my whole day.

-I also committed a work faux pas when a parent wrote me a note asking me not to address an issue that I brought up during the session because I didn't get said note until after the session.

- I overdressed and it was too hot for my outfit. I apparently looked like a dishevelled ninja. Not in a good way either.

- Norm had another harrowing Short Sport Session. He is managing to hit the ball a few times before it rolls away and he falls less.

-Anemia sucks and makes me too tired to be effectively funny.

- I have some weird stomach thing that is flaring up in the late afternoon and early evening. It forced me to leave a really interesting conversation with the queen mother fabu (she gives me all the good fabu family gossip...the fabus are an extenisve clan and I do try to follow their tales closely) in the middle of dinner.

-CNN really pisses me off when they post stories in video form. If I wanted to see a damn video Id watch CNN on the television.

On the positive side

- we got a new car this weekend. Its a 1988 buick lesabre courtesy of my father. He blue-booked it at 3000 said he wouldnt take less than 1500 for it and is letting us make payments for a thousand. He is a good dad.

-The car is the midsize sedan of my dreams. Its very comfortable and i feel as if i look particularly bitchin' in it. I will post a picture tomorrow.

- We spent the evening with the fabulous Gretty who accompanied us to Short Sports, gave some helpful dribbling advice, got "Aunt Grettied" for two solid hours and just generally gave us the warm happy vibe one gets when one is with good friends who you know you really well and love you anyway. I need to start collecting Gretty quotes. Shout out Gretty? if i promise to protect your integrity may i post Gretty quotes?

- The turnip walked half way across the room today!

- Norm is enticing me to bed so Im posting this now.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

A risk

Ok I was not going to do this though my blogfriends are doing this. Which is out of character as I tend to copy almost everything from my darlin' Luckybuzz because well...she is my darlin' Luckybuzz! But I wasnt going to do this...why? because I was SCARED OF WHAT MY HUSBAND WOULD WRITE. Then I realized, hey, this is the man I married and bore children with. He is way more likely to do this out loud where he can watch me cringe at his responses than to blog this. Keep your fingers crossed on that one for me folks...I realize that im sort of cheating for minimal responses as it's friday and i never get a lot of action on the weekend.

I ____ CRSE.
CRSE is ____.
CRSE thinks a lot about _______.
When I think of _________, I think of CRSE.
If I were alone in a room with CRSE, I would _______.
I think CRSE should _____.
CRSE needs ______.
I want to ____________ CRSE.
If I could describe CRSE in a word: _______.

Friday, October 06, 2006

I think Im not too proud of this.

Thanks to the clearly mature beyond her years Ash for this one. It probably doesn't say good things that I just got up from a five hour nap and Gill gave me cookies so I wouldnt be crabby. (and he told me he knew to give them to me based on the tell-tale chocolate crumbs on my face)

You Are 20 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Thursday Thirteen #12

Inspired by a random comment to my muse Pippajo, here are a list of thirteen of my most shameful mom moments....

Thirteen Mother of the year Moments

1. Dropping the turnip off the bed to the hardwood floor from the top of my stomach on his second night home from NICU and his tenth night of life.

2. Cutting Norm’s fingers and making them bleed while trying to trim his nails during his first Christmas day.

3. Forgetting (and I mean COMPLETELY NO SHOWING) Norm’s first year check up.

4. Telling Norm that if he ate the boogers from his nose, he would puke because boogers are really just concentrated sick germs (I used a little junk science there…)

5. Telling Norm that he can’t go into the burger king play room because it is “mean kids day” and all the mean kids are playing in there today. (there are LOTS of “means kids day”)

6. Having to switch fast food restaurants in the middle of one very bad week because I simply could not face the accusing look of the college boy drive thru cashier who silently judged me for giving my kids fast food for lunch three days in a row.

7. “Stupid baby. Why do you keep hitting yourself?” Ok it sounds cruel but it was really damn funny at the time.

8. Dressing them both in drag and taking pictures for when they are older.

9. Ok this is kind of really bad. Im taking a risk here…... norm had some wild bangs. And well, with a frontal comb over, a small mustache, and a brown turtleneck…..well….sieg heil (sp.). Again, great picture. Really damn funny. Sounds slightly horrific in the retelling.

10. Playing the “how many times can you run up and down the hall way” game to release excess energy.

11. Forgetting their jackets about fifty times per season.

12. “You know Norm. Santa doesn’t bring babies Christmas presents because babies don’t like Christmas.”

13. Having my four year old point at my drink and ask loudly in the middle of a garage sale at 930am “is that a grown up drink mommy?”.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Using My Powers For Good
Lil Duck Duck
Ash In Wonderland

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Mt. Lemmon

This post is a tribute to the fabulous Jesse because well....he is fabulous...

Once upon a time there was a girl who lived on a mountain. Ok that's kind of lame. And it begs a lot of questions. That might be a good way to do this? As a question/answer format!

Q: How the hell did you end up on a mountain?
A: Well....thats a good question. I kind of moved there for a girl. A beautiful blond fairy (who happens to be one of my boys' fairy godmother's to this day) who got me a job in the cafe where she worked. I brought some baggage with me including the boy I loved (Gill Smoke), a meth head, Norm's namesake, a baby (spawn of meth-head), and two german shepards. (One of whom had a GLARING PERSONALITY DISORDER).

Q: And what mountain was this?
A: This was Mt. Lemmon Arizona, in a little town called Summerhaven pop. 54 (?). 28 miles and 7500 feet above Tucson.

Q: Was it beautiful? Or haunted?
A: Yes and Yes.

Q: Did you love it or hate it?
A: Yes and Yes.

Q: Were there any strange characters there?
A: Oh yes. We had a friend whose name was Julie Ware and when people asked her "Julie Who?" she would reply "No, julie ware". That never got old. We also got to know the guy who owned A Certain Frozen Pizza empire". He was a raging alcoholic and always wore a shirt that made him look like a cross between Freddy Kruger and a bumble bee.

Q: What was the best part of living on the mountain?
A: The amazing amazing sunsets. Living in a resort area. People go there to relax for a reason.

Q: What was the worst part?
A: The distance from civilization. I would fantasize about going to the grocery store and being home without the trip consuming an entire afternoon. Being poor. Not having transportation. Everyone knowing your business. The bears. Everything closing by ten.

Q: What were the weirdest parts?
A: Being so close to death. People were constantly dying on the way up and down the mountain. Being so isolated from "town".
That and Lesbian Country Keraoke night. Especially when the couple that ran it would be fighting. Then the one partner would belt out drunken versions of Patsy Cline songs all night long. It was a bit depressing to say the least.

Q: What are the biggest regrets involving the mountain?
A: NOt being kinder to the people i loved while I was up there (see above beautiful fairy and boy I love). Losing touch with Mark Roller (who interestingly hails from Minneapolis as well and is also the funniest guy Ive ever met and also who still influences the sense of humor in our marriage to this day)

Q: What was the greatest learning experience?
A: Learning that I am mean when Im depressed. Learning to belly dance (still not that good at it, but im thinking about revisiting it...). Learning to read tarot, and learning it scared the hell out of me. Learning way way too much about home-made beer making.

Thus concludes another scintillating tale from the files of crse. Great questions folks, feel free to ask more if there is anything I didnt cover. My life is an open book. Just ask dirty louie.

Monday, October 02, 2006

zen and the art of short sports

Well it is time to face the facts that norm is not a natural born athlete. It is his fourth week at the Y's "sports of all sorts" (or, as we have for some unknown reason nicknamed them, "short sports") and I have to honestly admit that Ive never seen a child fall so many times during basketball. I could understand if they were trying to steal the ball from each other. But this was dribbling. Alone. He actually smacks the ball and then runs after it as it rolls away. And somehow in the course of this he invariably slides and falls. He just gets right back up though and keeps going. He did come over several times and tell me that it was just "too hard" which of course tugs at the mommy gene compelling me to whisk him out of that room and right into an art class where talent is not inversely correlated with bruises. But I know I need to encourage him to practice. So as good parents do, Gill and I explain that he needs to stick it out. Oh readers, do not kid yourself, had the boy shown even an inkling of opposition to this plan, he would have been so out of there. He agreed to practice with his father. I think the most painful part of the day was when he said "but mom, i really like soccer" and Im thinking "but buddy, you are terrified of the idea of taking that ball from other kicking people and you spend even more time on your ass when you play soccer than you do in basketball..."

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Meet Dirty Louie (you lookin' at me?)

Well after intensive family consultation, we have decided that, in the interest of fairness, since we revealed Norm's identity, it is time to share Turnip's true identity with the blogosphere as well.

We need to begin by confessing that we've purposely cultivated the impression that the turnip is an adorable 14 month old VIP member of the "clean plate club" with a great deal of charm and the power to bend minds at will. Not exactly. Dirty Louie (his real name) is a 41 year old alcoholic with a malingering problem who we suspect drinks away a welfare check every month. He is often pre-verbal and soils himself several times a day. He has been known to drool on pretty girls (well to be honest, he drools on anyone who shows him interest) and can be counted on to rub whatever he is eating all over his body and hair. Yesterday he ate used toilet paper out of the toilet. Gill suspects that Dirty Louie may be a veteran. From what i can see however, he does not appear motivated or mentally or emotionally stable enough to serve in the military. He makes scenes when we are in public and will frequently stare down anyone who has the misfortune of shopping or dining nearby. Norm said he was once a bus driver. Spend about an hour with Dirty Louie and you will see why that probably didnt work out too well.

You will notice he is not wearing pants. He often refuses to wear pants despite a handful of police warnings and the occasional restraining order. He also likes to chew on his socks.

Luckybuzz kind of has a little thing with dirty louie. She always did like the bad boys...