1. Dropping the turnip off the bed to the hardwood floor from the top of my stomach on his second night home from NICU and his tenth night of life.
2. Cutting Norm’s fingers and making them bleed while trying to trim his nails during his first Christmas day.
3. Forgetting (and I mean COMPLETELY NO SHOWING) Norm’s first year check up.
4. Telling Norm that if he ate the boogers from his nose, he would puke because boogers are really just concentrated sick germs (I used a little junk science there…)
5. Telling Norm that he can’t go into the burger king play room because it is “mean kids day” and all the mean kids are playing in there today. (there are LOTS of “means kids day”)
6. Having to switch fast food restaurants in the middle of one very bad week because I simply could not face the accusing look of the college boy drive thru cashier who silently judged me for giving my kids fast food for lunch three days in a row.
7. “Stupid baby. Why do you keep hitting yourself?” Ok it sounds cruel but it was really damn funny at the time.
8. Dressing them both in drag and taking pictures for when they are older.
9. Ok this is kind of really bad. Im taking a risk here…... norm had some wild bangs. And well, with a frontal comb over, a small mustache, and a brown turtleneck…..well….sieg heil (sp.). Again, great picture. Really damn funny. Sounds slightly horrific in the retelling.
10. Playing the “how many times can you run up and down the hall way” game to release excess energy.
11. Forgetting their jackets about fifty times per season.
12. “You know Norm. Santa doesn’t bring babies Christmas presents because babies don’t like Christmas.”
13. Having my four year old point at my drink and ask loudly in the middle of a garage sale at 930am “is that a grown up drink mommy?”.
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11 comments:
OMG, I love number 4!!! Wish I'd thought of that.
And number 8. Corwin did that all by himself, with Clara's princess stuff. He makes a rather attractive girl.
ALL moms do stupid things sometimes - most don't have the guts to admit it. You rock, and from everything I've read, you're a totally awesome mother.
(And thanks for going to Nancycle's blog of broken hearts. You're one of my bloggy heroes!)
Funny list, I really like it!
Thanks for stopping by and for the compliment!
I was completely traumatized--thought I'd cut off the top of Little O's thumb the first time I tried to use the clippers instead of biting them off the way I had with Big O.
And I am totally using mean kids day at the play place!
MUST I leave another list in your comments? I fear I must...for two reasons: 1) to show you how NOT alone you are and 2) it just sounds rather fun! And, I asked My Girl for input on this and she was WAY too eager...
1. When my dentist told me My Boy had to have 2 teeth pulled and 4 cavities filled because I neglected to buy him the far more superior PRESCRIPTION vitamins, opting instead to just use over-the-counter ones. I snapped out of that one and don't hold myself responsible anymore, but at the time I felt like the MOTY.
2. When My Girl, 2 at the time, pointed to the very homely, fat lady next to me in the grocery store and said loudly enough for the entire aisle to hear, "Mommy, that lady looks like a MAN!"
3. Being responsible for My Boy being seen asleep on the toilet on national television. He doesn't care now, but I know he will hate me for that when he's about 14.
4. I, too, have decked the boy out in traditionally female garb. Actually, this one might have been My Fine Ass Viking, I can't remember. But we have pics of My Boy at about 8 months old in My Girl's costume jewelery: tiara, earrings, ropes of jewels, bracelets, you name it.
5. Whacking My Girl's head against the corner of her changing table when she was 1 and I bent over to pick something up off the floor while holding her.
6. Misjudging my time (AGAIN) last week and being a whole 7 minutes late to pick up My Boy. It was the first time he walked out of the building and I wasn't there. When I pulled up he was standing next to one of the fire fighters looking like a lost puppy. As soon as he saw me he burst into tears.
7. Cussing at My Girl for insisting on helping me de-ice the car last winter. It was an extremely cold, snowy day and I wanted her to STAY IN THE CAR! She kept getting out and risking the heat of my anger and the cold of hypothermia. FINALLY, I spat, "Dammit, would you DO AS YOU'RE TOLD!" We generally don't cuss in front of the kids and that was the first thing either of my kids ever heard me say. I think she thought it was funny, though.
8. Taking My Boy shopping at our favorite consignment shop, where the owner now knows us by name and preferences, only to have him announce to the whole store that he's, "going Commando". That one was two fold because 1) he's not wearing underwear and we're clothes shopping and 2) he knows "going Commando" from us watching "Friends" in front of him.
9. My Boy seeing Kristin Davis in a commercial and saying excitedly, "Look, Mommy, it's Charlotte from your favorite show!"
10. Constantly having to call the school to be told ONCE AGAIN what time the kids are dismissed on half days.
11. Having the office lady call me with BOTH my children standing in front of her desk groaning with hunger, to tell me I forgot to pack their lunches AGAIN.
12. Having My Boy whimper, "You're scaring me" after I lost my temper and shrieked like a banshee at him.
13. Sending My Girl to school one day in 1st grade when there WAS NO SCHOOL THAT DAY. Dropped her off, drove off, left her there. Fortunately it was a Teacher Inservice that day and her teacher and all the office staff were there. I could hear them guffawing in the background when the office lady called me. SHE definitely thinks I'm MOTY!
There! Don't you feel better? And just so you know, I've never been called someone's muse before. I'm blushing.
Oooh! Thought of another one!
My Boy announcing gleefully to my Mother (who seriously disapproves of even an occasional taste of alcohol) that, "Mommy yelled at Daddy last night for spending $80 at the liquor store!"
Where's that chewy granola bar?
Is it wrong that this list just makes me love you a million times more? (GB and I still laugh about #7--it *was* funny! And it's not like you're still doing it to him. And #13 is such a great moment. Though I notice you didn't post the answer to that question...
LOL, Leila announces to everyone she knows that Mommy doesnt drink beer anymore(thats true, Mommy drinks rum) It all stems when I went sober for 6 months. all of these things except for number 9(you know, being Jewish and all) I've done. I dropped Leila in a pile of dirty laundry next to my bed once. Talk about flipping out.
Once my mom denied her maternity of my brother and I and drove off and left us with a VERY angry stranger lady into whose yard we had wandered (and transformed into a 'snow land' using the petals from her various white flowers). My grandmother claimed us a short time later.
And #7 will ALWAYS be funny.
you should encourage the bogger eating at a youthful age. all those concentrated germs will only help to toughed up Norms immune system, preparing him for the future.
Thanks for all the affirmations guys! RIght back atcha Canada! Jen, I bit his nails after that forever. And I do with the Turnip's too. Pippa, your list made me think I need to make a whole other one. But it was inspiring! Shalom Ash. That rocks. LB and Gretty, you guys are such awesome fairy godmothers, I am just grateful you can laugh and not call children's services. (snow land is pretty damn pee your pants funny gretty). Jesse, the sad thing is I could see Norm explaining exactly what you said to his pre-school teacher making everyone want to throw up from the grossness all over again...
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