Monday, November 13, 2006

reality check

So I was working with Madame Fabu last week and one of the secretaries asked me to do her a favor. I was happy to do it, but as I was completing the task, I finally realized why this secretary makes me so uncomfortable. Prolonged eye contact. She stares at me. (No this isnt a girl-crush. She is fairly attractive and the cute ones never like me) She stares at me like I am a bug. I am always subconsciously checking my nose and face. Do I have a hanger on my nose? Am I drooling? Ketchup? WHAT WHAT WHAT!!!!! And the thing that is so troublesome is she is really nice to me. Always has been. She even made this fantastic chili that had no onions or peppers in it for the company chili cook off and we had a lovely talk about it. During the talk, I had a conversation slip and said the word "sex" instead of texas (IT WAS CONTEXTUAL! dont you point that finger at me, random shaming reader!) and while I probably do that a lot(I mumble, talk to fast and am constantly tripping over my words anyway), I. WAS. MORTIFIED. Why? Because she is constantly dissecting me with her eyes.

Perhaps it is not a coincidence that she is related by marriage to another co-worker who also causes me some discomfort. He is a CLOSE TALKER. And he unfortunately has BAD BREATH. Again, dont judge me readers. If we were having meaningful conversations, I could chalk it up to us all getting in touch with our primal natures (you know, a "we are all brothers under the skin and lets not cover it up with perfume or mouthwash" sort of deal) or even feel some sympathy (although we DO have a really good dental plan which takes away at least part of his excuse). However, we are not having meaningful conversations. The man is a black hole of conversation. I used to supervise him. When I turned the case over to another therapist, she had a great deal of trouble differentiating between the patient and this co-worker. When he would stop me by my car after group, my friends would see me stuck with him and call me from their cars faking emergencies just to get me out of the situation.

To make it worse, he has this horrifying verbal tic where he randomly makes this sound during conversations that is almost indescribable. Try to imagine a cow in the midst of an orgasm. Ok? Now imagine hearing that sound every 45 seconds or so during a conversation about the poor quality of schools in his district. Or worse, the boys' swim team and their performance this year. While this doesnt even begin to explain what that experience actually does to a person, I tell you it isnt a pretty thing. Why do I share this dear readers? Because sometimes i need to step back and realize that other people are not having this kind of work day.

I need to do this because I have to believe that between a four year old who needs to shower after every significant bowel movement, a husband who must act out his unresolved oppositional defiant disorder by aggravating said four year old at every turn and lets not forget our buddy nocturnip, that somewhere people are just having peaceful stimulating or at least somewhat sane interactions every day. I need to believe this.


Canada said...

I am always paranoid when people look at me too long. I hate that feeling.

And bad breath. Oh my God, I have an extremely sensitive nose (I'm the one saying "who's smoking?" when someone lights up across the restaurant). So bad breath is very hard for me to deal with. There is a lovely lady in choir whose breath is not good, but when she was getting a sore throat last week, it was horrendous. And I had to sit next to her both at rehearsal and during church. It was awful, every so often I'd get a waft. ugh. And now I'm starting to think that's why I have been dealing with this sore throat since last Thursday.

Ash said...

Hmm random shaming reader? actually I thought maybe the conversation needed to be about sex, and then it would be funny and we'd find out the chick receptionist actually is in love with you.
Hello bright side!

Pippajo said...

Maybe she just finds you fascinating. Or you remind her of someone. Or she's imagining eating your brain.

As far as reassuring you that there are those having peaceful, stimulating or at least sane interactions with people, I am no help to you there. Yesterday, My Boy walked into the room with a pencil to inform me that he had a great need to throw it at his sister. He was dead serious and I actually found myself saying, "I don't care what she did, there is never a good reason to throw a pencil at her." I was a bit stymied as to why he came in to tell me before he did it, though.

See? Not pleasant, not stimulating, not even sane. Even my interaction with myself is none of those things.

Maybe next time that woman is staring at you, you should wink at her ever so slightly but then act like you didn't.

luckybuzz said...

Oh my god--Pippajo is *totally* right. You need to wink at her.

And I'm sorry for enjoying your pain and discomfort (as always, but you make it so entertaining!), but I'm *still* laughing about the verbal tic, and I expect to continue laughing about it for a while. But I'm laughing in that hands-over-my-face, horribly awkward way--you know, like laughing at "The Office". Yeah. Like that.

And I freaking love you. :)

nancycle said...

Thank you for this WONDERFULLY ENJOYABLE and seemingly sane post.

OK, am I allowed to give you "a mission?"

If so, I would like you to engage her in conversation tomorrow and once she's LOCKED eyes with you, start tweaking your nipples. Ha! No, I'm kidding (simply hilarious to picture though). No, really though - do a GIGANTIC FANTASTIC YAWWWWWWWWWN and see if the psycho bitch yawns with you. If she doesn't (clear proof of an axe murderer), I'd buy mace and a bulletproof vest, clearly she's out to get you.

Now, onto more healthy advice. Her counter part, the CLOSE TALKER with the foul decaying breath. Hmmm...This could be a conspiracy, he nauseates you causing a dizzying effect and she clubs you from behind...Evasive action is necessary. I think honesty is key here. Next time he's using his vomit breath on you, just ask him if he's aware that his mouth smells like a dog has shit on a dead animal carcass that's been rotting in the sun all day put into a Tupperware container under the sink over night then fashionable "burped" in your direction.

He might take notice then. If it works, then let me know, I have someone at work who's breath smells like something DIED inside her too.

Jesse said...

I am laughing about at the idea of a 4 year old needing to shower after a significant bowel movement. I can only assume when he exits the bathroom it is as if a poo-bomb went off and the poor lad is covered head to town to the brown stuff. Probably dusting his hands off like a coal miner who just emerged from exploding a tunnel somewhere in a mine, with a congratulatory look of a job well done and an intense desire to sit in a comfy chair and drink an ice cold brewsky.

**Oh yeah, I don't think normal, or sane interactions, are common anywhere. But I may be incapable of having one, so this might color my perspective, as I, inevitably make interactions awkward. I stive for it. I live for it.

factor 10 said...

OR, you could adopt the horrifying verbal tic (which made Little O demand to know what was so funny) the next time you talk to HER. Do they cross paths? Would she know what it was?
I have a friend whose boyfriend swears he can make cops look away by picking his nose in front of them. Why this is a life skill he needs, I don't know, but it's always a last resort.

crse said...

You guys have the best (although somewhat horrifying) ideas! Jesse, it would almost be worth it to see that play out for real. But he is actually just becoming very obsessive compulsive.

Anonymous said...

NOCTURNIP ! Ahhhh ha, ha, ha !!!! That's hysterical! I love it. Try staring at her ear while you talk to her. Freaks them out everytime.

The Viking (Pippajo's love slave)

crse said...

Oh My Gosh! A visit from the famous ("fine ass" is it?) Viking! I feel like I should have cleaned up or baked something! I have to confess folks, I become completely paralyzed in the moment with both of them. Like a deer in headlights. But on the plus side Gill and I have developed a nice little game of making the noise at each other when the other one is annoying.