Thursday, August 02, 2007

Crse and the horrible terrible no-good very bad day

Trip Highlights:

-Arrived at fabu household at 930 on the dot. (as planned) Senor had gone to get the tickets for the park.

-940: Senor arrives with one ticket but a plan of action. We all load up ready to tackle the plan.

-10am: Drove to municipal building. They had three tickets. We needed 8.

-10:08am: Promised Norm that a sheetz breakfast was about to happen and that Sheetz was in eyesight range.

-10:12am: Drove to Credit Union as per muni recommendation while promising Norm that we were only feet away from the sheetz still.

-10:13am: Watched the "ticket team" walk out of the bank empty handed.

-10:14am: Stopped trying to convince norm we were going to eat and started whining along with him as we headed to triple A.

10:22am: Picked up a very disgusted Madame Fabu from the triple A parking lot as she informed us that we did get one more ticket but senor does not have his wallet and that we just needed to go to Sheetz.

10:30- Finally made it to sheetz where we hooked back up with the rest of the fabus and ordered our breakfasts. Personal breakfast consisted of a fruit smoothie, a banana and a little cup of cheerios. (this is foreshadowing)

10:40- Left Sheetz and finally were on our way.

10:50- Bad feeling in stomach. Gill must pull over.

10:51- Puked bananas and fruit smoothies on the side of the road.

10:53- repeat last two time-line entries.

10:56- On the road again!

11:10- Stopped by a corn field so Norm could pee.

11:30- Noticed our buick lesabre (aka mid-sized sedan of my dreams or simply "the mistress") was missing out.

11:30-12:15- Tense dialogue between Crse and Gill about what the Mistress wanted and how she was being handled. Crse ominously repeating "Mistress doesn't like it when you (fill in the blank as needed)...put the gas to the floor/speak roughly to her/ punch the steering wheel." Gill dismissing crse's warnings saying Mistress needed to learn her place while shifting gears in what can only be described as displeasing to her. Crse softly singing "She will turn your face to alabaster, when you find your servant is your master" as Mistress continues to stall more and more frequently.

12:15- Stop to pick up one of the few fun and pleasant extended family members from Senor Fabu's side. Norm pees again.

12:20- Continue to the waterpark noting that the engine "rest" did not improve Mistress's mood.

12:35: Almost got wiped off the freeway during a merge as Mistress would not accelerate above thirty miles per hour. Pulled over to side of freeway. Remind Norm, the screaming Turnip and Gill that this indeed is an adventure and all was ok.

12:36- Receive frantic call from the Fabus who realized we were gone. Thwarted an effort to switch and continue ahead with Madame and the fabulettes while senor and the children stayed with gill.

12:40- Gill returns to the car and accusingly asks when the last time the oil was changed. Crse counter-accuses Gill of confusing the issue. Gill notices oil sticker dated from last november. Crse tries to convince Gill she goes to a special guy who doesn't use stickers. Gill replies, "he must not use oil either because you are down two quarts." Norm attempts to restore harmony in the car "guys guys guys...we are in public". Crse apologizes for calling Gill a dickhead and Gill basks in the glory of knowing the Mistress's problems are Crse's fault.

12:41- Consult with Fabus about attempting to find a gas station at the next exit, refill oil and top off coolant.

12:42- Gill turns on HEAT FULL BLAST and rolls down windows claiming he was "cooling the engine" although everyone in the car knew he was punishing Crse for the oil transgression.

12:50- arrived at Sheetz (because it's everywhere you want to be). Crse takes children in to wash them off while Gill does required maintenance. Rendevous with Fabus who reaffirm that we are all ok and we were almost there.

12:55- Depart for a heat filled yet eventless ride to the waterpark.

1:30- Arrive at the gate of the waterpark to meet the rest of the folks in our party. Perhaps day would be ok after all. And it was until.....well just read on.
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You met him as "The turnip" You knew him when he earned the nicknames "turnado" for his destructive tendencies and "nocturner" for his lack of sleep at night. Friends, with great alarm, he has evolved into what Madame Fabu has dubbed "The Turnimator".
Ill save you the stories of him attempting to belly flop in the pool and running into the street to the point that he's lost "outside privileges". Last night tops them all.

By around 730 all of the adults were quite pleased with how the children were handling the day. We had found a nice little niche where the turnip and the littlest fabu were riding a kiddie helicopter ride over and over again. It had gotten to the point that they didnt even have to get out because not that many kids were riding. I was extremely excited because the turnip showed none of the fear that his brother had at his age in terms of rides. He was delighted with everything and quite content to settle into the helicopters.

Now friends, the helicopters swooped. They went up around fifteen feet and then swooped back down in a circle. I believe the incident occurred around the eleventh time on the ride. I should have seen it coming when he tried to stand up before the ride started. I never imagined what would happen next. The ride was going around and Gill was watching while I faced the other way chatting with Madame Fabu. Im not sure if it was the collective gasp or if Gill said something but I turned around to see my baby in midair, climbing from the back seat of the helicopter to the front. I remember screaming. I remember Madame Fabu telling me that it was ok and that he was sitting down again. I remember the attendant with her hand over her mouth (clearly well-trained in emergencies, as well as the safety guidelines of proper buckling). I remember yelling "please stop the ride". I remember Gill dragging him out of the helicopter while the littlest fabu was looking at him with an "I wouldnt have even tried that one" look. And of course the turnip all the while is screaming with indignation. And that is how we left the park. So fifteen days into being two we've already also lost "kiddie ride privileges".

I just want to put him in a foam box until he is four and possesses reasoning skills.

12 comments:

Bunny said...

They develop reasoning skills? My six-year-old has not done so yet. Nor my 40-year-old spouse, come to think of it.

You're supposed to CHANGE the oil? Hmmm. Good to know.

Trixie said...

OMFG! I laughed, I cried, I gasped in horror! And then, with great relief I read the ending!

Hey, I go to that oil change guy too!

Turnip is EXACTLY like my son was at that age. I take great comfort in the fact that he survived childhood and is now carrying around a machine gun in a war zone. (knocking on all the wood I can find). Josh never even had stitches or a broken bone! It was a miracle! Some kids are just that way.

And don't forget, there is always Xanax for the mommy.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Oh dear...nope not jealous..but then again, I wouldn't have gone near the waterpark...I would have just been at the lake...with all the seagulls.

BTW I'm going to be in Canton OH next weekend.

luckybuzz said...

Oh, DUDE. Maybe the Turnip should start wearing a helmet?

Lisa said...

what a day! Goodness! I love your ability to build the drama, CRSE. You always make me laugh.

Sorry your day was full of barfing, low oil and a rambunctious child. :)
Still, it made for some wonderful reading!

Ash said...

I jest peed mahself.

I'm sorry to laugh, but that was freaking funny. I mean I'm sure not at the time....but your comedic wit puts the story in such a better light.
(Also: five and half year olds suddenly loose their fucking minds after a new baby is brought home. I've never heard Lei utter no so many times in one hour. nor have I ever seen her laugh maniaclly at me before)

Jay said...

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the reasoning skills don't show up until he's about 40. At least I'm hoping so cause I turn 40 next year.

"
12:42- Gill turns on HEAT FULL BLAST and rolls down windows claiming he was "cooling the engine" although everyone in the car knew he was punishing Crse for the oil transgression."


Honestly, if a car's engine is overheating that's the only way I know of to keep it cool enough to drive it until it can be fixed.

RockDog said...

Wow! You have successfully left the RockDog speechless! That's a good thing...this story was absolute entertainment especially since it didn't happen t me. Sorry to laugh at your pain!

Have a lick ass weekend!

Bunny said...

Turnip and my girl need to date for sure. They can go bungee jumping or skydiving or something. They'd love it!

And you've been tagged!!

gretty said...

This does not bode well for upcoming return to work... I will strap him to a soft piece of furniture if I have to! The Turnip knows this and laughs in my face.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

And you think *my* days are intense? Holy crap nuggets!

For the length of my parenting career thus far third parties have peeked in to my life at my child and have said things like "ah, that's a wonderful age!"

For weeks, then months, and now years I've wondered when I might look at a child and say "ah, that's a wonderful age!"

Should I ever reach that plateau you'll be among the first to know.

Foam box = damn good idea.

crse said...

Bunny- I am sighing with recognition of the shattered ideal. I think I knew that deep in my heart.
Trix- It is comforting to think that Turnip could grow into the absolutely cool and fabulous person that he seems to be from all descriptions! And baby, xanax is totally my favorite mother's helper!
Andrea- Really??? Keep me posted ok?
LB- yes three days later im still giggling about this!
Lisa-aw! Buddy! Thats my whole goal!
Ash- I love you. It will get better. Its adjustment stuff
Jay-yeah we kind of processed that. Not having a temperature gauge in the dashboard makes a huge difference.
Rockdog- I present my days for you to laugh at. Thank you for my ass ref!
Bunny- My god, at least we can freak about them in good company!!Im getting to the tag soon.
Gret- feel free to leave him in the crib just throwing pieces of cheese in from the door. Maybe then he will learn.
SB- Holy crap nuggets. Now that sir, is a truly underused phrase. I appreciate that. Seriously, maybe after they are 40 ill be like, yeah 36. That was a wonderful age...