Thursday, August 09, 2007

There is no fucking rainbow


So as Im sitting in the bathroom of my favorite sheetz this evening, a wave of sadness washed over me. I am not sure where it came from but suddenly I knew exactly what Judy Garland meant when she made that observation while throwing all that lawn furniture into the swimming pool.

Most of the time, Im pretty optimistic. I think the world is a good and beautiful place. I believe in the ultimate goodness of all human beings (even if that goodness is nestled way down under a whole mess of hurt) I trust people to be honorable. I believe that everyone is trying their best.

At 5:20pm, in my beloved pachouli (sp) scented sheetz bathroom (pachouli (sp) you ask? I know! I too am often pleasantly surprised by the delightful aroma)it occurred to me that I have zero evidence that any of this is true. In fact, it hit me like a ton of bricks. So much so that I actually wandered out of the bathroom clutching an empty toilet paper roll because I forgot I was not at home protecting tp from a opportunistic and far too creative two year old. Most of my daily experiences offer substantial evidence to the contrary. The world is a shit sandwich. People trying their best are really only looking out for their own best interest. People pick and choose what they are honorable about. You show me any person who is high and mighty about their own altruism and I will show you the same person being shitty in other ways. Because I really just don't believe that people are that good anymore. Not in general anyway.

I say this with great respect and deference to my gentle readers who i certainly hold in great esteem. This is my whiny "why do I even fucking bother getting out of my bed in the morning?" post. Well, besides to attempt to protect my two precious babies from the imminent taint of this cruel sick world. Admittedly, my current sense of hopelessness is most likely compounded by the fact that for the past three hours my household dynamic bears more than a slight resemblance to the Jean Paul Sartre play "No Exit". If I were not experiencing it personally, I might be amused by the way the three of them are consistently pissing each other off tonight. Instead Im sitting here nursing a headache that seems to accompany my seriously shattered illusions.

You know what though friends? The beautiful thing about the human spirit is our amazing ability to deny and forget. It might take a few days or weeks for my pollyanna outlook to come back but it always does. Ill forget the 5:20 feeling that I would never feel good about another human being for the rest of my life. The moon will look beautiful. Faces will shine for me again. Someone's best efforts will make me cry with amazement. Ill go back to expecting a new possibility for joy around every corner.

And maybe next time Im in that sheetz bathroom, I wont be clenched up inside because my job involves convincing a ten year old boy that his mother does not care about him without having to say the words to him. And that it needs to be my job because until he understands that, he will not be able to heal.

And if not, at least Ill have the pachouli (sp).

11 comments:

luckybuzz said...

(((((CRSE))))))

I love you.

That is all.

Crawlspace said...

I think the problem may be the patchoulli...

But in all seriousness, I think most people are good in theory, kind of grand scale good. But when the micromanagement of being so comes into play it falls apart. And really, only those things that see benefit will typically be done.

People are selfish, territorial, butt-faces. But I think Humanity has a chance.

MaggieMay said...

This is a lovely, lovely post. It may be in my Top 10 favorite posts of anyone, ever.

Ash said...

You know I love you babe, but that boy? is never really going to understand that. I know, I'm still in that bad place where I can't understand why not. I don't know if I will ever truly accept it. Logically I know, but emotionally is a whole nother place.

I know your bright spirits will come back, til then be snarky. It's what I do. or perhaps I just do supreme bitchy. Whatever.

I totally miss you, your squeelicious to take on the whole world!

Jay said...

I would avoid that bathroom for a while if I were you. I've had a lot of bad bathroom experiences myself and I can tell you they're hard to recover from. But, I'm sure you will recover just fine.

RockDog said...

CLANK

That's the sound of you hitting the nail on the head.

I agree with most of what you said. I wish I had the answers...instead I amuse myself as best I can.

You know what would help? Listening to RockDog Unleashed Saturdays @ Midnight! It's good for what ails ya!

Rock ON my good friend!

Jenny Ryan said...

I'm so sorry you're in the yuck place. :( I'm rather familiar with that place myself.

Everything else I think to write here sounds stupid and unhelpful, so I'll just send you some cyber hugs instead.

Bunny said...

I do not envy you your job. My heart breaks for that little boy. I know you'll recover; him I'm not so sure about. {{HUGS}} for both of you.

crse said...

LB- I love you too. Thank you for being my friend this week.

Crawlspace- I dont know. Im just not seeing it. I mean I hope so, but Im just not seeing it.

Maggiemay- My shattered ego(yes the week did include ego shattering) glommed on to your kind words and I really thank you so much for your compliment!

crse said...

Ash- Oh honey, you know I can relate. I know exactly what you mean about the logical vs. emotional. I guess somewhere inside I think it might still be a good thing that we dont understand why not. The sad part is that he still thinks she does care about him. He hasnt even come as far as not understanding why. I love you too baby and dont worry Im sure its going to be better soon.

Jay- Avoid that bathroom? Are you crazy? That bathroom is my own little promised land. Still Id like to hear about your emotionally unsettling bathroom experiences if you are looking for a post idea. Also I was telling Luckybuzz that I had an extremely positive realization about my underwear (they were nice looking AND comfy which never happens) right before I got the Judy Garland smack.

Rockdog- Tell me how to put a link on my blog for the show and I totally will.

Jenny Ryan- Hugs right back atcha sister. I know what you mean. I kind of felt that way when I read your post. And im actually feeling like I might have lost my funny too. You are interesting still though. I dont think you lost it at all. I think the second you feel like being funny again it will be right there. You cant help it, its who you are!

Bunny- I hear you. But I really think I would quit my job if I didnt believe he would recover. Kids are resilient and studies show that if they can just find one light of hope while they are growing up, they can actually use that as a tool to heal for the rest of their childhood. Our whole purpose is to be that light. Plus he has a very supportive father and stepmother. Hugs back at you sweetie.

You guys rock

Mert said...

Yes, my friend. the world IS a shit sandwich. I so know what you mean about feeling as if the world is nothing more than a bunch of asshats pretending to be decent when it suits them.

Which makes me acutely aware of my own faults... and I realize that all i can do is change myself and hope that I can teach my kids something good.

I agree that we need to protect our children if nothing else. (((HUGS))) I hope that you can find something good in the wreckage of this planet, and be able to share it with your babies.

SNURGLES! xoxoxox Mert