Saturday, July 08, 2006

medieval faire highlights

One thing Ive noticed about me lately? Im extremely annoyable. I go from perfectly content to pitchfork and torch levels of rage within seconds . So far, ive not physically damaged anyone (and my kids have me WAY too wrapped to incite this in me) but today was truly a test.
Ill preface this by explaining that our Fabu friends from another state (they need a nickname. I think I will call them the Fabus) usually accompany us on weekend adventures and this particular one is a yearly event. (We didnt go last year because the turnip was being born and his entry into the world was quite dramatic and drawn out. He's made up for it since as he is a completely mellow little ray of sunshine) Do I look forward to the event itself? Not really but the kids love it, sometimes they sell neat stuff, and the Fabus promised I would not have to ride the elephant this year. (begging the questions: did they have this level of elephant exploitation and public shaming in the middle ages? then why is the elephant there for overindulged and impulse control challenged little ones to notice and covet an experience with?) (meaning norm, not the fabu girls. The littlest fabu didnt ride and the oldest fabu rode because she and norm have this symbiotic relationship where she supports him in these things). Knowing my rage levels lately, I should have anticipated that id need to make this list tonight.

1. The parking: Ok I realize there were no cars in the middle ages, but this was not the first year our little serfs have held this event. The whole idea of coming early is to park close. Not to be sent to the other end of the forest because some jack ass doesnt realize that weaving the parking like a snake from the bottom of the area to the top will not only be annoying to the faire patrons, but also difficult to direct and somewhat dangerous as CARS KEEP COMING AT YOU AS YOU ARE WALKING IN.

2. The fact that no less than six people threatened to eat my baby. Yes he is cute and chubby. Yes he would make a tasty morsel. Guess what guys? you arent fresh or new with this.

3. The fact that while every other shoppe in the forest takes Master Card and Lady Visa, the food stands take "avaloche money" which means you have to GUESS how much you are going to spend on fare such as ye olde macaroni and cheese and ye olde diet pepsi and do a money exchange. The most "priceless" part? You dont ye olde US dollars exchanged back if you dont spend it all.

4. Porta potties.

5. People with less than spectacular dental work in the first place going to the trouble of blacking out their teeth.

6. Ok I KNOW its supposed to be fun to get in the moment but if you are going to do an accent, PLEASE DO IT CORRECTLY!!! Are you a washing wench? A pirate? From the bronx? COMMIT FOR GOD's SAKE!!!!

7. Ok i know this one is totally me, but calling the dollars "pounds" is annoying and frightening. If something is actually 3 british pounds, its $5.82 (yes i did look it up. Dorkiness and annoyance are not good traits to combine. I apologize)

8. Drunk smelly vendors who think low grade sexual harrassment is a good sales tactic if one does it with a bronx pirate accent.

9. Throwing in random playground equipment. Nothing enhances the faire going experience like having a four year old tugging at you for 5 hours "Mom Mom, I want to go back to that playground Mom", "Mom me and my Fabu want to go on the slides again". Did I mention that the playgrounds were swampy?

10. Seeing the Comic Book Guy from Simpsons personified on stage portraying an emperor with a collection of dancing girls as a way to display the belly dancing performance. Ok these women were somewhat lacking in rhythm and not the most aesthetically pleasing to look at but still, by allowing this to occur, you are merely perpetuating every sexist, demeaning and unrealistic fantasy comic store guys everywhere are having. And probably crippled by.

Well there was more, but Im wrapping up my last vacation day of uncontrolled eating by heading out to taco bell for what is hopefully my last fourthmeal for a long long time.

Thanks for hanging with me on this. I might be as annoying as I am annoyed but if its any consolation to my dear friends who read this, I do feel better.


Jesse said...

I went to the local ren fest last summer. I dressed up in a poofy shirt and an adorable wig. I managed to offened every fair employee by mocking there behavior with my hideous costume. I managed to offened most everyone else by looking like a freak. I also garnered a fan club. I was dubbed "Mr. Hair" and got cheered at everytime I walked past the fan club headquarters. Which as it stands was some stair thingies near a drinking establishment. It was the most fun I had that day, last summer.

The money exchange thing, that's a racket I have not heard of before. That has to be criminal on some level.

I love the ren fest.

THIS is the photo of me as Mr. Hair!

luckybuzz said...

Oh, god. "Lady Visa" is going to have me laughing for days and days.

Is it wrong that your annoyances are so damn funny?

(And the elephant thing makes me crazy. And you DO NOT want to get me started on the accent thing, but I'm with you. And I did not ONCE threaten, or offer, to eat your baby. Just thought I'd point that out.)

You rock. So much.

luckybuzz said...

Oh. Oh, oh, oh my god. I posted at the exact same time as Jesse so I only now saw his photo. It's too, too perfect. (And crse, does he look just a little bit too much like my brother? Creepy.)

Canada said...

TOO damn funny!!! esp as my best friend, Gerhard, is a Medievalist!! (I am v. drunk, pls excuse all bad spelling!) I have heard similar grievances from him. I went to see King Arthur with him. WHAT was I thinking!!!!!?(okay, I was thinking about drooling over Clive Owen, not giving a flying fuck that the Picts didn't have long swords, but my little fantasies were destroyed by much hissed whispering! I REFUSE to go the any Medieval Faire with him!!!!!)

FYI - there's apparently a good one in Milton (just poutsde of Toronto)

And Jesse - nice pic of you as Mr Hair!

crse said...

Jesse how scary is it that you DO look like LB's brother? And for the record, my entire group would be a part of the fan club. (I can hear norm now, "I like that hair man mommy") AND youve given me ideas for next year. I think my alter ego "Cornelius Washington, purveyor of fine females" needs to get his fro on and pay a visit to the fair next year.

LB-All I remember was you expressing dismay that people actually do express desires to eat babies and graciously agreeing with me that turnip does indeed have an extremely buttery belly so you are golden baby. And you have your props to mock accents baby. Anyone who masters the high falsetto dropped r to the degree with which you have....

Canada! This is a totally spell accuracy free zone baby. Not only that, but you looked all good from over here.