Monday, July 10, 2006

tense grumpy post

That really wants to make you keep reading huh? Im sitting here in my living room watching power rangers mystic force. The rangers just fought a guy who acted like a skeleton monster version of zoolander. They had to fight this guy without their powers. They won zoolander's respect. Norm and the turnip are playing together on the floor. A commercial just came on for debt management. Norm said "debt is all around us, isnt it mommy?". Yeah buddy it is.

Today was my first day back at work since vacation. I didnt go "into the field" but I made phonecalls, sent emails and worked on stuff here. I am feeling that familiar tension I always feel when I start back to work. That sense of dread that Im fucking everything up and I don't know what the hell Im doing. The fraud syndrome. The thing is, I know Im a good therapist. But doing therapy is about 1/4 of what I do. When Im doing therapy i feel ok. Its the other stuff. The politics. The administrative stuff. The paperwork. Ack.

The weird thing is, I COMPLETELY love my job. Its such a perfect crse job. My boss is amazing. A total mentor. She has taught me more than i can even tell you. She also thinks like us. Or we think like her. She is my professional hero. And she is really funny and cool personally too. AND my direct supervisor is none other than Madame Fabu (of the out of state Fabus). (Having one of your best friends supervise you can be challenging for many reasons. Thats a blog in itself. Strangely none of the challenges are interpersonal. I take direction from her very well as she is an oldest child and Im a middle child) The flip side to this is that i dont worry about getting written up or fired really. If that ever happens, I wont take it personally. I worry a LOT about disappointing these women. To the point that tonight, as Im sitting here writing this, watching power rangers and working on a social story about growing up and boundaries changing and having ABSOLUTELY NO CLEAR WAY to describe this to a child who already struggles with social stories, Im having a random wave of panic that will not go away that represents some sort of failure brewing professionally and i cant figure out what it is. Hence...the tense grumpy post. BTW now we are waiting for duck dodgers to start.


luckybuzz said...

Aw, sweetie. Sorry you're feeling tense and grumpy. We didn't get to talk enough about this issue when I was there, but I *so* empathize on the fraud/imposter feeling....but I can tell you (though I can't tell me) that you are awesome, and amazing, and tremendously gifted at what you do.

You rock. Have I told you that lately?

crse said...

you know? this is going to sound a little bizarre, but when i have irrational thought panics, (losing my job, house, professional respectability) it is a comforting thought that i have that at least luckybuzz thinks i rock. Im not joking baby. Not in the slightest. you are a great comfort to me...and you rock harder baby!

Jesse said...

I spend the majority of my time, when at work, assuming I am about to completely loose my footing and start a downward spiral into becoming a bum.

Even when I was a video store lackey I was consistently convinced I was going to be fired. Even though I never got so much as a stern talking too.

Perhaps there has been some mass conditioning to keep people working in fear of failure.

crse said...

You know Jesse? Im starting to believe this. What did Frederick Douglass say about this? Something about self-esteem and oppression. If he didnt he should have. Are you a middle child by any chance? Ive noticed this in a lot of middle children. Why is that word verification can sometimes be something like bilt but other times its a freaking james joyce novel?

Jesse said...

Actually, I am one of two children (the younger) so the middle child was the tangle or arms, hair pulling, slapping and kicking that took place between myself and my sister.

Word verification is a thing of evil and a thing of beauty.

I almost decided to tackle James Joyce's Odyssey because I had a class, and in that class we read a book. And the author of that book was obsessed with the james joyce book I mentioned above. And I did not "get" a lot of the book for the class, having not read the james joyce book. So one day I was talking to the teacher and mentioned i was tired of not getting the in-class text because of it and said I was thinking of reading the Odyssey. She strongly recommended against it. I listened. I have not read anything by James Joyce. Except word verifications. And maybe a short story....

Wow that is one long comment. Sorry.

crse said...

Second born..middle...ill count know the inner workings of sibling abuse. I think staying away from James Joyce is another thing in my life i have yet to regret. If I want pretentious drunken irishmen, all i need to do is go to my local drinking establishment!