Wednesday, July 05, 2006

ways to tell you are having a dysfunctional family holiday

I posted this at my old blog after a particularly stressful spring holiday season (birthday parties, easter, etc) Sadly, everything on the list is from direct experience in my family. I thought the 5th of July was a good time to throw it back out again...

Ways to tell you are having dysfunctional family holidays (a fun list!)
I think this is going to be a list in progress. Its so rich with possibility. This is how we amused ourselves one night at my brother's dinner table....

2. You are more grateful for caller ID on holidays than you are for certain family members.

3. You spent a lot of your card decision making time on finding a card that isnt a complete lie. (If anyone is looking for advice and has kids, Ive found it helpful to address all cards as if they come from the kids and consist of big hearts saying how much your kid loves them. Its so beautifully honest. After all, its not like the card also says, and my kid is a good judge of character.)

4. Pre-holiday discussions with loved ones regarding family contact on the holiday involve the words "pending lawsuit"....ok "lawsuit, restraining order and probation conditions" can also be included.

5. You dont only drink at the holiday gathering, you drink before the holiday gathering to help you cope with the gathering.

6. There is more than a fifty percent chance that you and co-survivors of any given dysfunctional family member(s) will be captured in a conspiratorial picture either clearly mocking or painfully comisserating about said member's behavior.

7. You and co-survivors create private party games like scavenger hunts and (thanks to a certain special someone who is more than welcome to take credit for giving me this idea as i cant wait to try it out on memorial day) drinking games based on shitty comments and behaviors made by said dysfunctional member.

8. There is a certain select group that always linger but instead of an after party, you all refer to it as the aftermath processing session.

9. There is a triage system currently in place by the group for specifically traumatic holiday behavior.

10. Your co-survivors can tell you in detail about events that go by names such as "the potato chip episode" or "the kwanzaa incident". (Yes I was involved in the kwanzaa incident, but in my defense: a) even if i did like her, i would have been that forceful as i will not let people promote racism around my children b) Yes I did jump from the couch but I was NOT going to hit her. Thankfully, it never even crossed my mind to do so. Apparently, that was just the perspective of those in the room and c) I was pregnant and didnt actually call her any names. I deserve a freaking medal for that).

11. You don't send out holiday cards to people who know certain family members because they might find out where you live and things like...well you have more children than you did before.

PLEASE feel free to add on to the list!

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