Every Turkey Dies But Not Every Turkey Truly Lives

I did not sleep at all last night. At all. It is 603am. I waited until 6am to get out of bed. Because of the "death hour". Last post i discussed some of the non-trivial reasons Ive been away, so let's dedicate this post to something more familiar. Things that make a crse crazy in the night. Or another installment of "what goes on in the mind of a slightly off-balance insomniac in the dead of winter"

- Ill start with "the death hour". SCAREDY CAT WARNING: IF YOU DON'T LIKE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU GO STRAIGHT TO THE NEXT SLASH. You all know I love my boss Lonnie Manko. I am not at liberty to discuss why the show "paranormal state" drew her attention (well I probably am but this am I feel mysterious) but she shared it with us one day at work a few weeks ago. Those who know me well would not for a minute, nay- for even a mili-second think that I would watch this show. (Did I ever post about the "blair crse project?" remind me friends...) Still she innocently shared a piece of alarming information with me. Apparently the hour between three am and four am is the darkest time of the night for all things spooky. I refuse to elaborate more than that. Why? because I cannot leave my room/pee in my bathroom/look at the clock/emerge from a bastardized attempt at sight and sound-proofing through blankets during this hour. As well you can imagine, this is pure insomniacal hell. I am pretty sure Lonnie M. is not happy to know this either although she is somewhat braver than me.

-"what would you do if your son was at home cryin' all alone on the bedroom floor cuz he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money" I HAVE to remember to not start singing that around Norm. Did we handle the Jamie Lynn Spears thing correctly? Man Im so glad we got the satellite radio. It's so awesome. I need to clean my car.

-The medical cycle. This goes something like "I need to find a dentist. I wonder if I have that gum disease that eats bones away and now I won't be able to get dentures. I really don't know how I feel about my new dr. I should switch before it goes any further between us. But Moe really likes her. And she did that blood test in her office. Should I get the boys tested for lead? I hate to put them through that. I still owe co-pays on Turnip's birthing bills."

-Needless to say, this leads to The financial cycle. "I need to call the student loan people. What will I tell them. I really don't feel obligated to pay the damn mafioso dentist. Will we ever get our finances straightened out? I really need to invest in another toothbrush. Maybe I will buy the mean green machine tomorrow. We need a larger george foreman grill. We are better than this."

- I wonder if Im bi-polar. Would my therapist tell me if I was? I think Im going to ask her.

- Could I redecorate the house in a completely low impact way? Do they sell "healthy" paint at lowe's?

- I think I need to cut my losses on the lost adderall prescription. I go for a med-check next Tuesday. I am going to try to eke by on day meds, old straterra and the 60 mgs I have left. (Im saving those for this thursday. We have a special meeting.)

-Man my hands were cold today. I really want the carpal tunnel surgery but what will I do with myself if I cant play video games or write?

- I wonder why the turnip never says he loves us. Did we do something to make him so emotionally unavailable or did something happen in his past life?

- I am worried Norm is getting a kind of goth streak. He is really into the mourning aspects of death (BTW we no longer have a gerbil)

- WillyWonka WillyWonka. Man I wish Norm liked that movie.

- How the hell could I miss Rambo's birthday? I talked about it for five solid days? Why must I suck?

- (Im leaving the mind ramble format to share here for a minute folks, I didn't know how to put this in mind ramble form)Here is the thing about my hair cut. I was feeling incredibly insecure about it but lately Im feeling better about it. Why? Well you would think it was because of the millions of people that i like and trust telling me they really like it and that it looks nice. But no. It's not because of that. I'm very very ashamed to admit this but it's because an older single bloated creepy guy who Im fairly certain was arrested (although not convicted) on sex charges in the late 90s who happens to work with us (Lonnie DID NOT hire him. I feel compelled to tell people this) told me it was "cute". Now why is this significant? I will tell you why. Because he is a lewd creepy guy, if he found it to be a non-descript soccer mom cut he would have called it "nice". Calling it cute made it sound well...fashionable. And I feel ashamed of myself friends. Especially in regards to my real-time friends who have also called it "cute" and "nice" and (in a little grateful shout-out to Spike) "a lot better". It's not that I didn't believe you all but there was something to having the creepy guy accept my hair that validated me in a way that nothing else did. I don't know what that says about me but it's probably not good. Well...Im pretty sure it's not good at all.

ok I think Im going to email rambo a birthday wish and do some work now. It's kind of good to be back.

update

Not dead yet. Have been sick and nursing a sick turnip. Is it wrong to find it completely adorable that when he pukes he says "I choke!" Heartbreaking but adorable. He was so sick he could only utter three words "mine" "no" and "stop". I thought at least he is in his happy place. Right now he is much better. He is beating Gill with a Wii game saying "I watch this daddy".

I beat guitar hero on easy. My new goal is to play all the songs on easy till I get five stars. Im just not ready to add the blue key yet.

I'd gotten my brain age down to 26. After the turnip's illness, it is back up to 34. I guess it's good it's out of the 40s.

I think I might be battling with clinical depression. Not the gun to your head kind. The "what the hell is the point of getting out of bed ever?" kind. I lost my adderall prescription which kind of complicates things.

Depression could also be complicated by the fact that Elmo's world, which used to be a source of comfort for my baby, now sends him into a flying rage that makes me fear for my safety.

You know it's a bad week when you are getting messages like "don't call me back if you are still sick...it's that bad." and yet you are giddy to go to work anyway.

guilt vs. avoidance? Guilt wins again!

It takes a frowny face email friends. It's my thursday small supervision groups. They know how to work me(Well hell, they are counselors and social workers, they should know!). Im sorry. I do have blog-guilt every day friends. Lately though, I fear thinking creatively will hurt my brain. But today I woke up to a frowny sad face email from my friend Drew (because she looks like a young drew barrymore. Before she went bad. I mean like when she was ten. Except if she had grown up without the hard living) saying she missed the blog. OHHH OK. What do I got though? Let's see? I can recite entire sections of Elmo in Grouchland now. (For those of you uninitiated, it's the story of one monster's journey to face the darkest part of evil in order to get his blanket bank. In doing so, he manages to break through widespread apathy and unite all of grouchanity. It really was inspiring the first seventy five times or so. Now we all want to put our eyes out and puncture our eardrums as soon as bert and ernie come on the screen.)(My favorite part being when the bad guy Huxley describes how he owns everything everything he touches. "You see this tennis racket? PING I own it. This hammer? PING I own it. This velvet painting of Elvis? I didn't really want it PING I own it. And this blanket, I didn't borrow it. I didn't rent it. I didn't even taken out a thirty six month lease on it but ohhhhh PING I own it." Thats masterful dialogue friends. Masterful dialogue. Ok, Im off to work friends. Ill try to be better and catch up soon. This time it's different....honest...

Must. Blog. Today.

The day was long. I am tired. I drank WAYYYY too much caffeine today. BUT NO aspartame. Recycling can get very cluttery when it stays at your house. You know when you’ve been married a long time and you totally totally adore the person and you still think about beating them? Maybe giving them nose bleeds? I mean you don’t do it but you think about it? And not for huge character flaws but for little things. Like making the children miserable. Or steadfastly refusing to admit that either a) there is a problem with the laundry or b) the laundry is deliberately being tampered with to ensure that you are constantly sniffing all your clothes only to find out ten minutes after you leave the house that the one ARM you missed has “the smell”. (you know the smell friends. The “no I didn’t leave the laundry sit in the washer for three days, you are imagining things” smell.) Or claiming to lack the social skills to order a pizza or deal with the car repair guy but will tell you in detail how you failed to give the proper information. Or will pick out WINTERGREEN gum went sent by you and another couple through the express line to purchase some gum. (and shout out to Madame Fabu because yes indeed it does taste like pepto bismo) Or FORGETS to take the baby to day-care when you are sick and can barely get out of bed. I am happy in my marriage, friends. I really am. I just think I would feel better if I smacked Gill more frequently. Or even just flicked his bald head. It seems like lately I can hardly be next to him without fighting the overpowering desire to flick his bald head when he pisses me off. It just seems like it would be so…rewarding. I do look forward to growing old with him.

Ok I really hope I never become one of those ladies with a man haircut dyed orange. What makes a person think that haircut is a good idea? Those who know me in real time are probably shaking their heads right now at what might appear to significant self delusion in terms of my own hair. But here is the thing friends. I DO NOT SEEK THIS HAIR OUT. IT JUST HAPPENS. I was watching a woman get into her car today with this hair. She was middle aged and not particularly attractive (orange man-hair notwithstanding). She was with her husband. I could not stop thinking about her hair folks. What happened? Did she give up? Did her husband finally notice a really bad hair cut years ago because it was manly and orange and didn’t know what to say so he told her it looked nice which caused her to keep the cut to “impress” him? I can totally get behind the whole “I just don’t care about my appearance” idea. It’s the seeking the ugly cut I just don’t understand. Ok buddies. Just reached 500. Did not think Id make it but damn it, if I cant flick his bald head, I certainly cannot give Gill the satisfaction of missing my word count! Im off to drown my sorrows in a glass of wine and some honey mustard Pringles. Until tomorrow friends….

the obligatory sleepy post

I don’t think Im gonna make five hundred today. Im very sleepy. Its been a long day. My oldest child swallowed his tooth and missed the bus. (Does telling him the tooth fairy won’t pay him unless he digs the tooth out of his poop qualify as abusive?) (Oh relax people. He didn’t believe me anyway) My baby stuffs Lincoln logs down his diaper and is currently walking around with his toilet training seat on his head. (Does that count as showing interest?)I voted today. In support of porn and alcoholic Sundays and against clean parks. (Im sorry but I just don’t have the money for clean parks. Im saving up for legends of guitar heroes III.).

As I left the precinct, I felt a distinct sense of obligation. I should be volunteering with the board of elections. Why? Because watching the current staff of volunteers manage the electronic voting booths is like watching my Dad try to program his own cell phone. Except my Dad knows better. I stood there for ten agonizing minutes watching a clearly disoriented sixty something volunteer insist that the middle voting booth was broken. I had an uncomfortable feeling that she was simply not following the prompts but thought it best to keep my mouth shut as they were already irritated with me for holding up the line as I tried to argue that I did not need my driver’s license to vote. But quicker than you can say institutionalized racism, the bevy of elderly poll ladies were gathered around the three machines. Needless to say, they had to try about two dozen really stupid solutions before they finally asked for help. When help arrived the problem was solved in less than fifteen seconds. I am not exaggerating. I mississippied the seconds.

It was one of those moments where the better person inside of me would be reflecting upon how lucky I am to live in a place where these were the biggest challenge I would face in placing my vote today. No death threats. No standing in the rain for hours on end. No gun touting pollsters. However, the better part of me did not show up until about three seconds before I wrote that last thought down. The selfish and elitist rest of me was just damn impatient and annoyed. Hell I have 389 I might as well keep going.

I gave up aspartame last week. On Thursday to be precise. My friend J sent me an article. Actually it was one of those articles I get periodically but J has the uncanny knack of being able to convince me to do almost anything from ferberizing my baby to taking a road trip to Alaska. Anyway, I started thinking maybe this would explain my inability to remember anything (like that word for moving your feet to get somewhere..crap what is it? Oh walk that’s right) (im BARELY joking) and my constant feelings of exhaustion. Ack. I hit five hundred so Im going to try to escape to my bed now. Wish me luck friends.

Ben 10

is the coolest cartoon EVER. Today it is anyway. Except for foster's. Oh and justice league unlimited. Random stars Random stars

*Dateline-Saturday October 6. 1108am. Living room. Captain and crew are watching A BRAND NEW CODE LYOKO! I capitalize it because the preferred way to discuss the show is not to just call it by name but to sing A BRAND NEW CODE LYOKO! every time you mention it. You must do this until your five year old bursts out into screams telling you he cant take it anymore.

* So, Ive got more cleavage data to share. Back at the middle school (workplace of the guidance counselor looky lou, I think we will call him SHAZAM) V-neck. Not too low. Talking with ( probably more attractive than I) friend in crew top. Shazam ignored hot crew top friend. Had a jokey conversation with my chest. I really want to seriously commit to a long term analysis of this ("Examining The Correlation Between Low Cut Tops and Achieved Clinical Outcomes at the Middle School. A Longitudinal Study") but I have a kid in crisis there now so the girls have to attend everything for the next few weeks.

* I had my heart break in a million pieces yesterday. A million pieces. (everyone is ok physically) The thing I hate the most is when everybody in a dynamic is someone i love or like and hurting still happens.

*I also hate it when someone tells me something extremely shocking and painful about their past, and I am not shocked. Because Ive wallowed in similar swamps of dysfunction before. Alone and with others. I hate being familiar with so much depravity.

* The past two items are unrelated.

* I meant to search my archives to find out how many times Ive actually posted about what a BAD IDEA it is to take my tired children shopping at night. Especially when my adderall is wearing down and my ADD is full force. I dont actually have words to describe last night's visit to target, but ill try.

-Turnip: Scream. Climb.
-Norm: Have to go to the bathroom.
- Both children: (INEXPLICABLE DEAD SILENCE AND PERFECT BEHAVIOR IN BATHROOM)
- Turnip: Scream.
- Norm: "can we get my pokemon cards now?"
-Turnip: Cry. Smack
- Me: Struggle to pin climbing child down in cart.
- Turnip: Scream.
-Norm: can we get my pokemon cards now?"
-Turnip: Climb. Grab at merchandise.
-Norm: "can we get my pokemon cards now?"
-Turnip: Scream.
-Me: Carry child while pushing cart. (ADD kicks in here).

Two walking children. Two hiding under racks children. One child back in cart Scream. Cry. One child firmly chastised for modeling dangerous behavior to his lttle brother.

-Norm: Have to go to the bathroom again. (INEXPLICABLE DEAD SILENCE AND PERFECT BEHAVIOR IN BATHROOM)
-Turnip: Scream. Cry. CLimb.
-Me: Pin down child in cart.

It went on. And on. And on. Children walked and rode and screamed and cried. And pokemon cards were gotten despite hiding in racks due to extremely redeemable and helpful five year old recovery behavior. And much outward apologizing and explaining to onlookers and store staff that I now realize this was a really bad idea. And much inward rage and resentment and desire to scream "OH? You think he's tired? Well thank you OBI FUCKING WAN KENOBI! I thought the crack pipe i let him smoke when he came back from pimping his bad little diapered ass for me would keep him awake!" or "No jackass, he does NOT need a smack on the ass. If he was five, he might need one but he is TWO and it his PAST HIS BEDTIME and as you can see, despite the little mishap in the clothes racks the five year old also does not need smacked. But you do motherfucker!" or "Here is why i dont just take that poor baby home. He is part of a neo-Nazi clinical trial run by a high ranking German official who is disguised as a gerbil and lives in my dining room. We are doing an over stimulus sleep deprivation test on this child and ask that you do not interfere. I will express your concerns to Herr Goebells. But he will probably have you killed for it".

I think i need some sort of 12 step program where i am not allowed to take them both somewhere alone until I call someone to talk me down. Gill clearly enables this although he did suggest I leave turnip home. "But he misses me! He will just cry!" Im such a fucking idiot. Anyway, thats enough for now.

* I will sign off with the possibility that I may just be on blogtalk radio tonight. Madame Fabu and I will be riding home from a wedding drunk off our asses. Nothing better than a group drunk dial from the road!

It is sunday and my head hurts (a possible live blog?)

It is 1230. Ive been up for a few hours and i have a headache. Sadly it is not hangover related so i cant even say that at least it came with a good time. Im embarrassed to resort to this again so soon, but its random stars of crap again friends.

* Im going on record as saying that I. LOVE. MY. NEW. CABLE. and that the ability to access premuim channels on demand is one of those creations that ranks up there with sliced bread and penicillin.Ive managed to watch the entire first season of "Flight of the Conchords", a lot of "Curb your Enthusiasm" and am starting to watch "dexter". Here is the thing about dexter. When it came out, I was TOTALLY intrigued by the idea of it, but the first episode was somewhat....lackluster. On the plus side, dexter is hot and i love the crime stuff. On the other side, the side stories seem completely contrived. Like his sister is supposed to be this tough talking vice cop. Which means that she says "hell" and "fuck" in a forced way throughout normal conversation. Ok. I get it now. Im going to keep watching before I decide because im never keen on pilots.

* Ive been up for two and a half hours. So far my day consisted of catching up on blogs, eating a power bar, a banana and some garlic pita chips, discovering we are completely out of sweet n low, and watching a lot of television. Gills day has involved some serious cleaning. He randomly comes in to shame me. I laugh obligingly with self-deprecation. It works because we are both happy.

* The reason im not being brow beaten into helping is because Im supposed to be writing many many notes. Which I am going to do. Realy soon.

Three. Now I have three stars. Maybe i will come back and add more stars soon-

Im not sorry

Id like to be but damm people. I am busy trying to replace Gretty (did I tell you she is moving on? Its a good thing for her and I will cope as long as we still have mandatory visits and she accepts i might need to call her more often). The Perfect Storm situation is still brewing and well... Norm's kindergarten is dominating my life much more than i thought it would. SO Id like to be sorry for being so far behind but damn it people what do you expect from me! Ok Its gonna be a RBOC. Im actually ripping off my newfound stalkee The Delightful Adjunct Whore and using stars. Well because they are pretty.

*It is 1:30 pm on Sunday. I have kickball at 6. I need to go grocery shopping. I have three behavior plans to write, one using a format I have NO FREAKING CLUE how to work within by tomorrow morning. I have not started. I did however catch up on blogs. Go me.

* Im hating Norm's kindergarten more and more. His actual teacher rocks but the principal is clearly migrating over towards dickville in my cognitive map of elementary administration. Also the lunch lady who I thought was nice, may actually be somewhat passive aggressive. Plus Norm told me that his afternoon teacher is kind of mean. Which means she is probably the kind of person who gets grumpy with kids and acts annoyed a lot. Now friends, I interrupt to ask for advice. I have raised the kids to respect adults. At the same time, Ive raised them to believe that NOBODY has the right to take a bad mood or grumpiness out on you through tone and/or words and actions. As an adult, I find this unacceptable and I want to raise the kids to find it unacceptable too. When we are grumpy at home we try to apologize. (we are better apologizing to Norm and Turnip than to each other but we've both been in time outs because of it and own it when it happens)I dont want him to accept this behavior or think its ok. What does one do with that? I would tell him to suck it up but dammit, why should I? Its not his! And its tainting his kindergarten experience!

*On that note, I want to thank you all for your support during the 9/11 aftermath here at chez panflutemaster. I feel awful because I think it sounded more intense than it was. Norm does typically have weird scary things going on his mind. I blame gill for overexposing him to stuff. Its not that unusual. And although its frustrating that they did this, it also kind of gives me my first little valid complaint about school which makes me happy. I do think Im going to say something next year about warning parents in advance about what was said. They probably wont listen and i can be bitterly gleeful or gleefully bitter. Anyway, you guys rock.

* Also making me happy is that we got to spend bonus time this weekend with our beautiful birthday girl (as of friday) Auntie Feather. She just makes me damn happy thats all.

* And we ate some kickass lasagne with the fabuwomen for Princess's birthday (her party is next saturday). Plus I got two very cool zach efron rings from her cupcakes. I make them talk to each other about how much they love me and how much they liked it when i licked frosting off them.

* Ok this was completely irrelevant but i need to work on plans before kickball. THere are some political complications im going to need to address im afraid. I feel a little sick....

George ate all my cheese.

The turnip's first sentence as reported by Aunt Gretty! I need to do a sum up post of my week of the perfect storm but ill just throw a few random dashes at ya til i get the chance.

- It is day four of school and we've already missed the bus and had our first "tardy". I explained to Norm that we only get twelve tardies before they call the authorities. He got very nervous so I told him it would just mean we had to pay a fine with the money we've been saving for the wii. Apparently he told his kindergarten teacher this. I knew my proactive pre-concern teacher stalking would pay off! Ive dispensed with the formalities and can now just shoot off an explanatory email as these things come up.

-I do love my job friends but if a fifteen year autistic old boy never ever brings up issues involving his "weird sexual attractions" (his words) in front of six elderly couples as we all take advantage of ponderosa's early bird special buffet and platter deal I will still feel fulfilled as a professional.

- Signs that my loved ones worry about my spiritual future: Madame Fabu offers me support today with the phrase "Wherever you end up its gonna be first class". Of course South Park immediately came to mind as I flashed to the thought of satan finding me too abusive and leaving me to live in a loft on the west side with a vegetarian named Chris.

- Norm informed me yesterday that he may have a new girlfriend named Kimmie. He apparently eats lunch with her. "She is kind of creepy looking but she is really nice". "Creepy pretty?" I ask hopefully. "No just plain creepy". Im hoping this means he is a total package guy who looks beyond the surface and not that he is automatically drawn to creepy looking girls. And im wondering what norm defines as creepy. Because my children are growing up around a somewhat "out of the box" social circle. Tattoos, wild clothes and piercings are not creepy. Goth is not creepy. So what does he find creepy? It makes a mom ponder....I do know that pre-school creepy was the weird little kid who would stare at norm without speaking when he said hello. But apparently kimmie talks to him...

Ok friends, thanks for indulging me! More on the perfect storm soon.

why is the law and order svu er doctor chewing up the scenery?

Ok friends- just have to share a few things to purge me mind.

- Met with the woman refinancing our loans. Im not sure what transpired in the meeting because I couldnt stop staring at her breasts. In fact, I dont think any of us could. They were lovely and quite overtly featured. At first i thought she brought the girls out because she is unfortunately what my co-worker spike calls a "butterface". (i.e. everything looks good on her "butterface") (Spike is our in house link to all things urban and street. We arent sure how or why he has this information. We secretly fear that he watches Ricki lake or other trash talk shows on the sly and our "street cred" is eventually going to be traced back to trailer parks across the midwest) In retrospect, im wondering if the girl show wasnt a marketing strategy. It may have backfired though because generally my kids would have been distracting enough to compel me to sign anything to get the hell out of there. However, Norm and the turnip silently stared (along with Gill and I) for the entire half hour.

- Went for my med check today. Here is something ive been pondering all evening. If you go to your shrink and tell him that you've been inexplicably edgy and irritable as well as excessively emotional as of late, would you expect him to tweak the anti-depressants? Or boost the adderall (read CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE) another ten mgs? He said he thinks it could be related to adderrall withdrawal...hmmm... It should be an interesting ride. I want to apologize to all my RT friends right now. And warn Gill to hide the cutlery. Please.

- Before my med check, I saw my therapist (in the same office). I need social guidance here friends. In between the two sessions, I was sitting in the lobby. My therapist kept walking past. At first we smiled and commented. Then we just smiled. Then it just got damn awkward. I am fairly certain that we were both avoiding eye contact by the third or fourth pass. What is normal protocol for this sort of interaction? Alas, I fear that the real question is, Why am I so socially stunted?

Alright friends, Going to bed so Im rested for the big day tomorrow. Did I mention Gill is now playing? This is not a good thing as he's gone totally patsy ramsey on norm during soccer. I know they stress sportsmanship but Im thinking that trash talking between spouses is considered privileged communication, right?

Edited to add: Butterface is used like so. "She's a butterface. Everything looks good on her butterface (but. her. face) This would mean she's not really pretty. In the face. But her body rocks hard enough that you really might just think about swallowing your pride and leaving the lights out or getting the proverbial bag for her head!

The direct correlation between my procrastination and my increased blog posting

Or Random Slashes Of the Insomniacal Mind if you prefer:

- Yesterday was a very sad tuesday. I would say it was the saddest tuesday Id ever had but my Grammy died on a tuesday so that is a trump right there. Yesterday was sad in a ridiculous way. Thankfully i have soul friends like Luckybuzz to see me through and share her own angst (which is way less ridiculous considering she is moving across the country as we speak)

- Speaking of LB, here is my favorite line of the weekend. "You want to know if sex with her was bad? Sex with her was so bad its the only time I ever said 'You guys go ahead and finish on your own. Im going to bed.'" (how many times were there that you didnt have to say it LB? wakawakawaka! wiggling my eyebrows suggestively at her)

- I think ive found the trigger for the early rising. Time release on the adderall. I know that this is probably a big fat duh for most of you. Sometimes it takes a while for me to develop insight . In both the ways of pharmaceuticals and the ways of the world.

- I also think my general inability to focus may be largely due to the fact that im fairly certain i get little if any REM sleep. You all know I wake up several times a night. Again, never made the leap.

- Here is one of the many reasons I love my darling Gill . He doesnt believe its all aderall related and thinks i cannot relax. Which is interesting considering how lazy I am. So he is giving me meditation advice and he is reminding me things like empty your mind. "so you are breathing and a thought comes into your head like "why is crse such a big asshole? You breathe and let it go." Turned out I misheard the name and it applied but that was pretty damn funny.

-And another reason for devotion. During the instruction he shared with me that he is currently listening to a prolonged ringtone on his Ipod to help him relax. How do you not want to spend forever with a man whose Ipod contains podcasts from organizational specialists, buddhist lectures, the hour of slack and ringtones?

-Sadly after about thirty seconds the ringtone became less relaxing and more like a trigger for a psychotic break. But hey, thats just me.

- I am going to sit in a hot house with an overbearing German woman who is suspect in her own cleaning and grooming. That is the first thing I am doing today. I will probably be there for several hours. I tell you this because although i havent bathed since monday, I cannot find the motivation to do so because i will clearly stink by the time I leave her. Its unavoidable. Did I mention she also cooks things like hotdog and califlower goulash?

- My favorite across the pond correspondent Lina wrote an interesting post about sexual power today. It really got me thinking. I think I may blog about this. Ive noticed some doubt being cast on my own personal power recently. Gret and I have talked about this and we are not sure where it came from. I plan to explore this further. Because it may surprise you to know this? But I think Im pretty darn powerful.

-Ive come to realize that in terms of child rearing, Norm responds best to positive reinforcement and turnip responds best to physical restraint.


Ok I feel the report inspiration coming upon me.......yes....right after i eat some cereal and check out CNN.

Where the hell have I been?

Ack. Family madness. we will leave it at that.

What do I have to report? Hmmm not much. We are on "vacation". Apparently when your children are small "vacation" does not imply relaxation. Instead we have a mad family fun week with the fabus planned. Tomorrow is a water park/amusement park. Thursday is the zoo. Friday is the lake.

You know its going to be a bad visit when the doctor asks your five year old if he eats healthy and he looks at you nervously.

I just baked cookies that melded together at the bottom of the pan. Am i going to throw them away? hell no. We will chop them with knives and we will eat them heartily.

McDonald's has consistently pissed me off these past few months. I have very low expectations to begin with so to disappoint me is difficult in terms of fast food. But they have done so. And verily I am pissed.

I really WANT to go to the fabus tonight for ribs and corn. I really NEED to clean and prepare for tomorrow. Ill let you know how that ends up.

We are getting a land line so I can fax things in accordance with new work requirements. Gill is pissed and wants me to "e-fax" although the land line is cheaper. I felt intimidated by e-fax anyway. He is calling me an idiot and deemed the extra cost an "idiot tax". Once again proving my point that I will endure about anything to get my own way.


I think we all know how bad i suck and how far behind i am. No need to beat it into the ground....

It is 7am. Where the hell did the day go already?

How about Things I Need wednesday?

I need:

- a freaking reality check about my stunning levels of procrastination

-to call the eye doctor because wearing contacts from 2003 (no worries friends, they were sealed. They dont expire til october) has turned out to be not such a good thing in that it takes about a half hour to get them in my eyes due to the personal idiocy factor, I see flaws in my face that my glasses protected me from, and i cant seem to wear them for more than about five hours without feeling like all my eye juice has dehydrated....

-some caffeine. Yes I could go make coffee but it makes much more sense to sit here until Gill gets up (its 7am, why is he not up? I should go check but as I said, Im sitting here) and then pull the aging movie star from the hospital bed routine. Ive recently realized that a fundamental part of our marriage is that he will do absolutely anything I ask him to as long as I make myself look ridiculous in the asking. He has no cause for complaint. He's trained me to be the spider monkey I am....

-To stop gaining and losing the same three pounds every week. I gain it on the weekend and lose it on the weekday. I had a moment of truth a few weeks ago about my sugar addiction and tried to make changes. The only one that seems to be sticking is that I am ordering the sugar free latte's at sheetz as opposed to the sugar free mochas because I found out that the extra shot of syrup in the mochas is absolutely not sugar free.

-To get my ass to church this weekend. Lucy and her family are hosting coffee hour. She will have pesto dip. I have not met the minister's new baby who is now over a year old. Did I ever tell you about my church? Its Unitarian. I love it because the minister looks almost exactly like Luckybuzz. Its comforting.

-To stop blogging and go check on Gill. Im going to try to convince him to call off because he does not feel well. It would be much better if he were here driving the children insane....

hey its only 715! Go me!
PS: the stories that blurred from sunday are starting to roll in. It aint pretty folks. It aint pretty....

Free Grape Popsicles On May 27.

Now thats a hell of a thing to see on a sign! I was quite intrigued myself. Why only grape popsicles? What are they doing with the orange and cherry? Is someone in the Park Diner employ aversive to grape and we are eating all the left over popsicles from the past two years? Because you cant just buy only grape right? And if you can, where can I get a piece of that because I like grape a lot....Furthermore, what is significant about the 27th? Its not memorial day. Its the day before. Im right puzzled friends. Right puzzled indeed. Its been a hell of a week and im so behind on everything im sorry. But I promise Im going to catch up on my blog-reading and posting soon. Gretty has been staying wiht us the past few days so Ive had the opportunity to almost complete my list of Gretisms for your reading pleasure, so stay tuned for that! Im going to try to catch up a little now but if i dont get to you today dont forget about me! (especially Ms. Mert whose blog shuts my whole computer down when i open it) (I miss my Mert fix!)

Edited to add: For Ms. Lina's benefit, here are what popsicles look like


I thought it was interesting that i could not find a picture of the grape. Now this is what generally constitutes a popsicle. Back in the day you could only find them in this form so you would have to break them in half. It was difficult for the obvious reason that you had to keep track of the half-opened freezer burnt pops and ask for a different flavor lest you get stuck with the icky one. (i was better at this than my brothers. To this day, i dont think they caught on to the strategy). Now you can buy them individually wrapped. I couldnt find a picture of an individually wrapped one. But i did find this:


Now these are called Flavor-ice. You buy them in bulk. You get like five hundred for under five dollars or something insane like that. They are individually wrapped but connected together tubes of not yet frozen popsicle juice. You separate them and freeze them and then when you want one, you grab your tube and either snip off the top with scissors or bite it off with your teeth (I recommend the former, but have been reduced to the latter one more than one occasion) Squeeze up the cicle part and enjoy! We do not refer to them as flavor-ice however. We called them Freeze-cicles. Norm just generalizes everything to popsicle however.

With this wide array of frozen possibility, one can only imagine what sunday has in store in terms of the great grape popsicle give away. I only hope i can come back tomorrow with an answer for you friends.

mmm....bunnyheads....tasty

Its easter morning here at the panflutemaster house. So far, my children have experienced parental lies (at 630 "you have to be really quiet because the easter bunny sometimes comes early in the morning and if you make the slightest noise, you could scare him and he will drop all your candy" I was kind of proud of this as it bought me an extra hour and a half of sleep), violence (norm got a black eye when he was choking gill and gill snapped his head back) and a complete hedonistic abandon in eating all the candy they can fit into their little mouths. After baskets, i went back to bed and worshipped at the church of sleep until noon. My price for this? I had to hear gill use the phrase "making whoopee". Thanks there bob eubanks. That was a total turn on.

Anyway, I want to thank you folks for supporting normtasia. I am working on finding the right voice to make it as pure norm as possible while providing all the details i can. Im struggling friends. But its fun and he is enjoying it immensely and has decided he wants to invite you all to his birthday party. Ill keep you posted on that one. Otherwise, enjoy your sunday!

Random Friday Thoughts

-First i want to apologize for the misconceptions from my last post. Gret is hopefully not going to stop being my wife at this point. Its just a random anxiety i have because this is the easiest my life has been since we had kids. On a positive note, she just got accepted into an art show (and just walked in from an aborted attempt at getting her hair cut to tell me that gill called and he is on his way. is it wrong that she is the wife we've always wanted?) so my hope is she gets a patron and happily paints her heart out while my children play quietly nearby.

-Also, sometimes im afraid that i unnecessarily alarm my real and bloggy friends with my overdrama. I promise its all for your entertainment. Honest.

- I just switched back to my old conditioner. Had to shell out 25 bucks but i swear i heard my hair follicles cry praises of joy as i was conditioning just now.

-Norm told us this morning at breakfast (again is it wrong that i feel it should be understood without explanation that "us" indicates gret and me?) that he wants his own blog. Im thinking why not? I mean obviously id be its administrator with him just dictating answers so what is the worst that could happen? Thats not rhetorical. Offer me feedback about this in case im missing something. I promise i take my duty seriously folks. In fact, I already explained that posting the picture he made me take of him completely naked in 3d glasses was a REALLY BAD IDEA. Even though the picture is tasteful and nothing is showing. (he is behind a pillow a la demi moore)So yes i promise a tasteful blog from norm. Let me know guys. seriously.

All right folks, thats all i got because i gotta go see this hot guy with a ridiculous mustache. We are heading to fabus to dye easter eggs. (sadly i dont think they came from "happy chickens")

Hump day musings.

On the dark side,

- My friend Moe's dog Sophie died a few days ago. I didnt realize how much it was going to hurt me personally. I mean of course i dont enjoy seeing my friends in pain but its more than that. Sophie was the most amazing dog. I havent seen much of her in recent years but I still have this great image in my mind of when she got into the pink highlighter. It was the cutest thing, those pink spots over her creamy colored fur. My mind keeps going back to her and I get a little pain in my heart each time. Rest peacefully sweet Sophie.

- Im SO SLEEPY. Like drugged sleepy. Like someone slipped me a damn micky. Which would be nice and relaxing if I wasnt hearing things like "mommy, turnip's eating paint" while i was dozing dreamily.

- It is my first steak and BJ day and not only do i have no steak or anyone to blow today, but when i was looking for a card to commemorate the occasion, the tight ass bitch at the hallmark store got all pissy and acted like it wasnt even a holiday. I think I smell some hate crime in that kind of behavior.

-My hair is becoming completely out of hand. I bought a "frizz free" brush in arizona. And have spent a little time every morning composing my fantasy bitch letter to the "goody" manufacturers.

- My children have become complete insomniacs at night. The good news is they sleep in till like 11am. The bad news is I cant sleep in with them.

- After losing my "happiest in the hamptons" bag in the Sky Harbor airport, Ive been in a state of flux. I feel like I could lose everything at any minute.

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On the positive side

-EVERY SINGLE sheetz store Ive been in lately has added the cappacino bar. Its inspiring me to try to fill another hole punch sixth beverage free card. God sometimes I dont even understand how much I love sheetz.

- Gill is coming home on FRIDAY!!!! FRIDAY!!!!!

- I got a new work phone. Which is exciting but scary. There was an elaborate shaming process from the folks at IT after I lost the phone in only one day. It was humiliating enough that I actually just want to lock the phone somewhere safe so I don't have to worry about it. So is that really all that positive?

- Tomorrow is thursday. I love thursday!

- Gill is coming home on FRIDAY!!!! FRIDAY!!!!!

PSA

Folks, I apologize. The reason the thursday thirteen is final is because they are closing the "hub". Im frankly ok with that (as i like canada's explanation that after featuring me, they could only go down hehehe) and will continue to lists of thirteen on thursdays. I havent blogged for a few days because gill is home "on leave" plus its end of the month and im busy procrastinating my note writing. But Ill be back in all my glory in the next day or two!

zen and the art of stuff on your head

Stolen immediately and directly from someone who knows how to wear a cat (wink wink, know what i mean?)in honor of stuff on your head day. The most beautiful part is, we had no idea it was stuff on your head day when the sandwich balancing began!

the ashtastic blog post

Not to be confused with my soon to be coming feature blogs. If you read me and dont want to be featured you need to tell me Ok?
Its been a strange day. Last day gill is home before f-ing st. mary's and im very sad. We are post-poning our valentine's celebration until he is home for good.

Madame Fabu has kidney stones. It is apparently horrifically painful and can i just send some love out not only for the healing but because she knows me well enough to know im embarrassingly intrigued by the thought of the actual kidney stones? (as is princess fabu....)I have not officially asked to see them but the hint is there and she hasnt said no.....

Gret came in looking extremely upset and her first words were "have you paid your mortgage yet?" As if there would be a way id pay it without telling her immediately (thats not sarcasm. We are like that.)(ok perhaps this post should change to my odd interpersonal relationships)She proceeded to tell me that she dreamt i died in an accident because i lost the house for not paying mortgage and was so distracted i wrecked the car...she made me send it immediately. Its scary for me because we will cut close financially but i feel this strange sense of not-alone-ness because she knows im cutting close and maybe it will be ok.

So another day of basically being housebound since all school was cancelled and my afterschool kid had a cold. So lots of interesting "how not to be a sociopath" work for the kids....the rest of the post is the ashtastic part as the winsome Ash requested a slew of topics. She is really cute so i will be her dancing monkey!

same sex marriage- what makes me laugh the hardest is when people say it is against the sacred institution and choose the most arbitrary aspect of a relationship (gender) to use as an emblem of sanctity. OH PLEASE! If its so sacred, where is the "true love" test? Where is the pre-marital challenge? I love it when homophobic hysteria masks as moral superiority (ok i admit i dont really love it)In retrospect, i have regrets that i got married when other lovers couldnt. (and i also admit i have a fantasy of walking my son (either one) down the aisle where the man of his dreams is waiting. And then they move in with me, and take care of me in my old age of course)

female genital mutilation Read possessing the secret of joy (alice walker) in the early 90s. YOW. I cant even think about it. I have circumcision guilt about my own babies....

the fact that abraham lincoln and darwin share a birthday



I think the question is, who is cuter? Definitely definitely Darwin....

the state of the union address, You mean the state of my butt? Oh come ON ash! You read this thing? You totally saw that coming....

bush or no bush? I was just telling trixie about this. I think we need more bushes in iraq. Like the bush twins. It shows solidarity. Like he really does understand the sacrifice families are making.

female president versus minority or giuliani freaking giuliani. I am ALL ABOUT Obama. But my heart wouldnt break if it were hillary either. But freaking giuliani??? I think not...


Ok you ashtastic little fool!