random slashes of my thursday morning

- The first is simply a corollary to my post from Tuesday. We will call it texts I never wanted to receive. "You have to get here soon. {Client x} just told me she thinks she is gay and that she and {her best friend} are in love".
- When you are in mental health, you HAVE to keep your beliefs out of your work. For example, you may want to offer a congratulatory hug and words of how happy you are for your teen-aged client when she expresses her sexual identity as mentioned above. However, the fact that she was raised in a conservative religion and that she is completely emotionally dependent upon, yet barely tolerated by her family of origin even now causes a professional to reflect upon the grave professional responsibility (e.g. exactly how many ways bad therapy could fuck up her life right now) in handling this issue appropriately.
- I am sad that I still live in a world where it is not yet safe for a teen-aged girl to explore her sexual identity (and I mean this in terms of emotional soul searching and expressing her thoughts freely, as opposed to explore in the "my license says yes but my daddy says no" way).
- We have a Big Meeting today. I am skeert. I cannot sleep. I dreamt last night that I was homeless and sleeping in fields that had cow-poop everywhere. Apparently, Gill had left me and was trying to get custody of the kids so he could raise them with the help of my mother (who made one of her many inspiring cameos in the dream) and the cow-poop field sleeping was really detracting from my position. I did have a nice stable-like things for the kids to sleep in and I thought it might strengthen my case.
- The dream could have stemmed from the Turnip pooping on the living room carpet last night and the subsequent argument that ensued immediately afterwards. (Yes our carpet is getting quite the work-out this week). I have to say though folks, even retrospectly, I still firmly hold my position that when there is a naked baby in front of you and a pile of baby-shit on your carpet, blame-placing is petty and futile.
- The nails are rapidly deteriorating. I keep looking at my hands and thinking of the Agatha Christie novel "And Then There Were None".

Random Tuesday Thoughts

* Chocolate Honeycombs were a huge disappointment to me. I felt truly defiled after trying them.

* I had a small epiphany today about feeding my old bread to the wildlife in my back yard. It occurred when as I was looking for something to make a sandwich with I pulled out a loaf of bread that i love in toast form but not so much in sandwich form. (actually Im a bun girl. People might not know that about me....Which reminds me, I wonder what it means that I dreamt last night that I remembered to grab the left over buns Madame Fabu offered me from mini-fabu's birthday party on saturday. It was a really good dream.)The bread was covered in white "stuff". After my initial reaction of grossed outedness, my second thought was "now this is the kind of bread that makes a person see God. This is like Revelations inspiring bread." And my third thought was just a vision of a bunch of scared and confused stoned out of their minds birds, chipmunks and squirrels trying to negotiate the last few days of uncovered ground before the winter. I cant believe i never thought of this before. I feel like the Jim Jones of small woodland creatures.

* I think my "better with butter" strategy was not such a good idea after all. (for those who don't recall, I developed this theory around the time of the turnip's birth that since margarine is bad for you and butter is bad for you, if I just indulged in the butter, I would feel more satisfied and ultimately cut down my cream type spread usage) Two years and several previously inexplicable pounds of weight gain later, Im starting to think I may have missed a flaw in that particular logical process.

*Having said that, I just now realized that if you melt a tablespoon of margarine and drip it on top of frozen pretzels, it not only tastes delicious but offers a delightful alternative to the "wet your pretzel" method Ive been struggling with since the dawn of frozen hot pretzels. Disclaimer: Oh I can wet yer pretzel baby...just not if it comes packaged frozen with disjointed instructions for salt application.

* Needless to say, this little experiment begs the question, would the pretzels taste even better with real butter?

* Which leads me to confess to the most dramatic aspertame relapse Ive had since my initial recovery. It was safe crisis management training friends. I had to be there at 8AM. There were limited caffeinating options. I am so weak.

*Ah but yet I am not! I felt pretty ass kicking good about the "physical assist" part of the training. My friend Micky may have been completely humoring me but it worked. And Spike (who was our trainer) was positive about all the ones he evaluated except for the escape holds. (which in fairness, he was positive about. He was praising of the form but did point out that they were completely wrong. He even stopped short of the fact that the only way I could probably get away using these forms would be if my attacker peed his pants from laughing. Micky, however, went ahead and took the obvious shot)

* I will elaborate at length about the training soon but will tell you that with just a little polishing I truly believe I could totally kick ass both at christmas brunch (or linner as my brother is calling it as it's moved to later in the day) when sibling stuff arises and at social drinking occasions as well. Just wait til spring season!

* I need to figure out how to remove corrosive battery residue from my sonicare innards. Its the dark side of my happy toothbrush world and I never expected to see it.

* I miss my blog friends. Thank you so much for not giving up on me. My Christmas present to myself is to catch up on you folks.

oh there's a tuesday twelve a comin'

But it aint here yet. Instead? You guessed it. Stars devoid of theme.

* My right palm has been getting very itchy for the past three nights when I go to bed. Like flesh tearingly itchy. But without any rash. Gill thinks Im coming into some money. I think Gill is insane and that I am having some allergic reaction to something by my bed.

* Have you ever been in a situation where you need to make someone who doesnt like you or believe in what you do cooperate with you? Well, thats basically my job. I dont mind it but Im realizing more and more that when my efforts result in making said person like me, I become kind of depressed and slightly horrified. Its like accidentally being too friendly to the creepiest kid in school and finding that they glommed on to you. Except instead of subtly but firmly brushing the person off, you have to keep being friendly. And at the end of the day, after they've looked down your shirt (with your consent) a few times, you just feel kind of....gross.

*Tomorrow is the last game of the kickball season. We did not make play offs. But we found out that we are not at the bottom. We are actually in a three way tie for last place. If we win tomorrow that jumps us up the board like crazy (but we still will not make play offs)

* Have I mentioned lately how much I love Dexter (not the laboratory but the serial killer)? My only complaint is that his sister continues to over cuss. It sounds stupid. Im all about cussing but it has to flow. Her cussing doesnt flow. I dont blame the actress. Its written that way.

* Gret has helped me come to the realization that im possibly overmedicated right now. It would explain why when my shrink upped my adderall to 60mgs from 50 I completely fell apart organizationally. I see him on thursday. My therapist wants me to go medieval on his ass. I just might.

* Well that provided a perfect segue (yes for you Moe because it will NEVER get old!) into my therapeutic breakthrough this evening! (its a story so im not starring paragraphs) I was sharing some frustration with different areas in my life and relating my surprise at both my strong reactions to these frustrations and how right these strong reactions felt for me. We were discussing the difference between these reactions and those irrational "omg my meds clearly need adjusted" moments. I was sharing my fear that I may have evolved into a complete jerk and just dont care anymore. My therapist said one sentence and it was like the fog lifted. "You arent being heard".

Friends, I thought Id been struck by lightening but in a good way. It explained why i keep thinking that the world would be a better place if people just LISTENED to me. DAMN RIGHT IM NOT BEING HEARD!!! It was so obvious because I was so clearly not being heard in either of the areas Id identified to her and had actually mentioned this to people who cared enough to listen to me but I didnt link it to my strong frustration. I even began an email addressing some frustrations to my friend the other day and one of my first lines was "thank you so much for hearing me". Yet i still didnt realize any connection. My first reaction was "ok so why do i need to get heard so badly? what deficit is this in me?" and then she throws me ANOTHER curve ball! She says its NORMAL and NECESSARY to make yourself heard. Im not going to bog the blog down with lengthy explanations as to why this is novel to me but Ill tell you, Im kind of pumped up about it! We didnt get to the part where she told me how to manage it so we will all be waiting two more weeks to find out. I do see this as a new stage in Operation Kiss My Ass and Im excited!


Stay Tuned for Gretty's tuesday twelve. Twelve songs that make me feel happy!

A dream and some random crap

So if you add up all the time Ive spent in classrooms in my life, I believe that my first four years and a few gappy years in my twenties were my only non-school years. So at the very least, Ive spent about 30 years in classroom settings. Having said that, I find it extremely odd that when I dream about classrooms involving my current job, the setting is always a very specific classroom that Ive never actually seen in life. Ive dreamt about this classroom four or five times and its always the same damn classroom. Last night, the dream involved me creating a situation where I needed to walk about fifteen miles from the classroom to my office. At the end of the dream, after I made friends with a kindly bus driver who cut several miles off the walk by letting me ride with her elementary school kids, I realized I could have driven the whole time. Im sure its symbolic somehow. I just don't know how.

* We have a new bank. I like the fact that it appears to be user friendly. However, it is uglier than the old bank. Im finding the ugliness outweighs a lot of the joy im getting out of the new found efficiency.

* I think I really like Bill Richardson. It makes me sad that he totally has no chance of winning.

* In a related note, just because Al Gore won the Nobel Prize does not mean he has a chance if he ran for president. Interestingly, I read a great article in Vanity Fair talking about how the Clinton Gore relationship failed in 2000 because of Hilary's run for senate. Sources say that had Bill been more supportive of Al, he would have won the election hands down (oh wait, he did...). Still, the moment is gone.

* We watched Fast Food Nation yesterday. I wish I could tell you folks that I was disgusted and would never eat fast food again. It was kind of gross, but its not like I thought I was eating corn fed Angus that had spent many happy years wandering the pastures and died a sweet peaceful death with its calves surrounding it. I am still buying happy chicken eggs and I havent actually bought beef for our home in quite some time. Thats a lie. I just bought frozen hamburgers from sam's club. Damn. Its so easy to forget. Ive got to become a better person.

Here is the thing about rats

*

The more I learn about rats, the more i want to like them. They are freaking BRILLIANT. Screw chimpanzees (monkey eating monsters that they are), forget about the gorillas (i dont mind gorillas per se, but lets face it. Intellectually, the gorilla is no rat). Its rats. According to those who know, pet rats are friendly, lovable, clean, smart and gentle. They are the ultimate pet. In some cultures rats are seen as sacred. They are thought to hold souls of those who've passed (I think). I embrace this rat reverence wholeheartedly. There is only one small problem.

RATS SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME. I mean they HORRIFY me. And I am ashamed. Why must they be so appalling to me? Cognitively, I understand that rats did not cause the black plague. To be honest, I only have a vague idea of what the black plague is anyway. And Im not afraid of fleas. (I mean i dont want them or anything but they don't have what i like to call "the cootie effect" on me physiologically) So rats go through garbage looking for food. Dare I judge? I was actually physically inside a dumpster once many years ago pulling out discarded belongings left by a wealthy but frivolous woman. It was not my proudest moment but i still have a pair of sandals from that long ago foraging expedition.

I just stared at the screen debating whether I should share this next part but Ill tell you friends. This post is about healing. I need to be honest here. Because accepting that I have a problem is the first step to overcoming it right? You may find me repulsive after this. So be it. Go with God.

Sometimes? If I really dont want to eat something completely tasty but really bad for me, I spray it with windex after i put it in the trash. Because I am afraid I would be too tempted to pull it out and eat it. Who am I kidding sometimes? Ive been doing this my whole adult life. Ive been doing it so long that while I dont have any distinct memory of pulling food from the garbage, I obviously must have done or considered it at some point or there would be no need for windex. Dont judge me people. Im trying to build bridges here.

At this point in time, I cannot imagine getting past my revulsion. (And we ask ourselves, is it not a reflection of my own self-loathing? Perhaps....Perhaps) Thanks to everyone from the promoters of junk science to george orwell to the creepy acrobatic rat that appeared in the dumpster behind "the bar" many years ago (the same rat to whom I attribute the onset of my life defining existential crisis) I am scarred by the rat-hating culture that is the curse of my generation. I dont know if I can move past this. And I am ashamed.

Why do I tell you this friends? Because tonight friends? Tonight I took my boy to a movie and together we cried over the pain of a crazy little rat trying to make it in the big city. (ok I cried. He may have missed the deeper message of the film, but we were definitely together. Sharing popcorn.) My xenophobic speciesism needs to be crushed in the name of truth. I need to look deeply into my inner rat and learn to love and celebrate it.

Right now, it doesnt seem possible to move past this. But friends, last week I ate an onion**. A raw onion. And Im still here.

Yes, I ate a raw onion. And now I know that nothing is beyond my reach.

* I found the rat cartoon here. And I give my humble thanks.

** it has come to my attention that the phrase "ate a raw onion" implies that I ate a whole onion. In actuality I ate a small ring, a strand if you will. It was about the size of a nickel around. One Small Strand of Onion. One Giant Step for crse

Field Trip Friday

Ok friends, gotta admit, getting a little sick of the fifteen hour days with no breaks. My commute to work should NOT be my happy place! Hopefully, I will have good stories to tell you tomorrow as I have the privilege of accompanying the Perfect Storm on a field trip tomorow. We are riding on a hot bus, three in a seat, to a football field located an hour and a half away. And you know how much I love me some football friends. So much so that when they told me we were going, I thought it was a baseball field. (truth be told, I prefer baseball) I tell you this in all seriousness friends. Im excited. Why? I have no freaking idea but I feel like Im in fourth grade again and it doesnt matter where we go. We are going on a field trip!

Must. Blog. Something

I know its bitch and moan monday. But it was like 70 degrees and sunny! And the end of the month and all my paperwork is done! And well...we have a mini trampoline in the middle of our living room! What the hell can i possibly have to bitch and moan about? Im sorry its been so quiet here. The end of the month got particularly ugly, we were busy having fun with the fabus, and then norm's party. (a smashing success)

The one thing I can find to bitch about today? Chinese food. It scares the hell out of me. Even the stuff that tastes good is strangely suspect to me. I think in the back of my mind (ok who am i kidding, the front of my mind too) I just have this fear that the food has been recycled because it is so unrecognizable. I mean seriously, how would we know if the proprietors just took left over stuff and re-prepped it in another form. I guess italian is the same way but i think i dont have the "eating from a garbage can" feeling because I have this irrational belief that the acidic nature of tomatoes is purifying. I really do like MSG though. Like in chex mix? Tasty stuff friends. Tasty stuff. Ok thats all i got besides a committment to try to blog more this week. Not only more, but also more frivolously. I feel I need to get back to the completely frivolous spirit that chez panflutemaster is known for. So that is my commitment to you.

Random Friday Thoughts

-First i want to apologize for the misconceptions from my last post. Gret is hopefully not going to stop being my wife at this point. Its just a random anxiety i have because this is the easiest my life has been since we had kids. On a positive note, she just got accepted into an art show (and just walked in from an aborted attempt at getting her hair cut to tell me that gill called and he is on his way. is it wrong that she is the wife we've always wanted?) so my hope is she gets a patron and happily paints her heart out while my children play quietly nearby.

-Also, sometimes im afraid that i unnecessarily alarm my real and bloggy friends with my overdrama. I promise its all for your entertainment. Honest.

- I just switched back to my old conditioner. Had to shell out 25 bucks but i swear i heard my hair follicles cry praises of joy as i was conditioning just now.

-Norm told us this morning at breakfast (again is it wrong that i feel it should be understood without explanation that "us" indicates gret and me?) that he wants his own blog. Im thinking why not? I mean obviously id be its administrator with him just dictating answers so what is the worst that could happen? Thats not rhetorical. Offer me feedback about this in case im missing something. I promise i take my duty seriously folks. In fact, I already explained that posting the picture he made me take of him completely naked in 3d glasses was a REALLY BAD IDEA. Even though the picture is tasteful and nothing is showing. (he is behind a pillow a la demi moore)So yes i promise a tasteful blog from norm. Let me know guys. seriously.

All right folks, thats all i got because i gotta go see this hot guy with a ridiculous mustache. We are heading to fabus to dye easter eggs. (sadly i dont think they came from "happy chickens")

Oh no..wait...its not my birthday....

So I guess our story “together” starts a few years back. He was hired two years ago and I was his first supervisor. He seemed nice enough when I met him. He is a few years younger and has young children too. Soon after he started, he and his wife split. At first, the split was amicable. However, as time went on, hostility between them grew. He became more and more miserable. Because we spent so much time together and are in mental health, it seemed natural that he would talk about his problems. It got worse. Much worse. As I got to know him, I realized he was extremely self-absorbed and lacks any personal insight whatsoever. He was annoying and show-offy and seemed to believe he was god’s gift to women.

Nevertheless, I did my best to be a friend to him. I had him over to the house with my funner friends. I stayed after work to talk about his problems. He spiraled deep and low. I kept assessing him for suicidal intent and he denied. Until one night, he called me with a gun to his head. We talked for a while and he agreed to put the gun away and meet me the next morning to get some help. Unfortunately, I slept in (hey! Its really draining to talk someone away from a gun ok?) which has shattered some credibility and brought up the “You are going to trust HER? For god’s sake she slept in through a suicide intervention!” (awk…ward) Regardless, I did show up and proceeded to offer unconditional support for the next few weeks. But I digress. Dear readers I don’t tell you this to make you think Im a wonderful person. Im setting a scene here.


Flash forward several months to August. Tensions were high that summer. Fraud had been occurring with mileage and His expenses were being reviewed. Readers, he bitched about this EVERY SINGLE DAY. (Nothing says Im committing fraud like telling everyone that you can’t pay your bills because your GAS REIMBURSEMENT CHECK didn’t come in.) Picture a sunny afternoon with all my little co-workers and friends working together in the park. Apparently, my generous little supervisees wanted to surprise me with a birthday cake. Such generosity. Such thoughtfulness. As they are planning, collecting and discussing, HE says that he cant give a DOLLAR because HE DOESN’T HAVE HIS FUCKING GAS REIMBURSEMENT CHECK! Friends, I am not a greedy person. But please, I was probably his best friend, (the personality? Not so friend magnety) might have actually saved his life and he COULDN’T SPEND A DOLLAR for my cake. A DOLLAR!!! I wouldn’t say I was mad about this. Offended? Shocked? Flabbergasted? Yes. Flabbergasted. Im relieved to say, my cake came through (it turned out to be an iced chocolate chip cookie because Im not a huge cake fan.) (that’s important for foreshadowing).

And it rankled, gentle readers. It was like a loose tooth. I couldnt leave it alone. My co-workers attempted to implement a mass planned ignoring project when I would bring up the DOLLAR. As if that would honestly shut me up. Amateurs…As time passed, the incident fell into the corner of my mind, only to be brought up when his name, mileage, and or the word dollar were brought into a conversation. Until….today.

I was doing my usual mind numbing supervision with him. Trying to stay sane while wishing I had jedi mind powers to convince him I had given him supervision while I was off visiting with (the much funner and more generous) Madame Fabu. I was most likely tuning him out when my ears heard something that made no sense. (No he din’nt) (oh YES HE DID) He had the AUDACITY to ask me if Ive ever tried iced chocolate chip cookies! Readers? I think my mind snapped. I saw black. Time stopped. I may or may not have swallowed my tongue. Of course, he didn’t notice the seizure. Being the assertive gal that I am, I said “er yeah, THEY (oh you know I didn’t stress the “they”. Like I grew brass balls since last I blogged?) got me one for my birthday remember?” He didn’t even blink. The rest of the day was a head spinning blur. My one co-worker asked if I felt good about finally "giving the dollar back" (which i found to be a bad metaphor since i NEVER GOT THE DOLLAR) (but again, I digress). It was hollow friends. Hollow. Not because of any morality play. Just because HE STILL DIDN’T GET IT!!! ACK….

Oh Well…there is always asshole school…..

the ashtastic blog post

Not to be confused with my soon to be coming feature blogs. If you read me and dont want to be featured you need to tell me Ok?
Its been a strange day. Last day gill is home before f-ing st. mary's and im very sad. We are post-poning our valentine's celebration until he is home for good.

Madame Fabu has kidney stones. It is apparently horrifically painful and can i just send some love out not only for the healing but because she knows me well enough to know im embarrassingly intrigued by the thought of the actual kidney stones? (as is princess fabu....)I have not officially asked to see them but the hint is there and she hasnt said no.....

Gret came in looking extremely upset and her first words were "have you paid your mortgage yet?" As if there would be a way id pay it without telling her immediately (thats not sarcasm. We are like that.)(ok perhaps this post should change to my odd interpersonal relationships)She proceeded to tell me that she dreamt i died in an accident because i lost the house for not paying mortgage and was so distracted i wrecked the car...she made me send it immediately. Its scary for me because we will cut close financially but i feel this strange sense of not-alone-ness because she knows im cutting close and maybe it will be ok.

So another day of basically being housebound since all school was cancelled and my afterschool kid had a cold. So lots of interesting "how not to be a sociopath" work for the kids....the rest of the post is the ashtastic part as the winsome Ash requested a slew of topics. She is really cute so i will be her dancing monkey!

same sex marriage- what makes me laugh the hardest is when people say it is against the sacred institution and choose the most arbitrary aspect of a relationship (gender) to use as an emblem of sanctity. OH PLEASE! If its so sacred, where is the "true love" test? Where is the pre-marital challenge? I love it when homophobic hysteria masks as moral superiority (ok i admit i dont really love it)In retrospect, i have regrets that i got married when other lovers couldnt. (and i also admit i have a fantasy of walking my son (either one) down the aisle where the man of his dreams is waiting. And then they move in with me, and take care of me in my old age of course)

female genital mutilation Read possessing the secret of joy (alice walker) in the early 90s. YOW. I cant even think about it. I have circumcision guilt about my own babies....

the fact that abraham lincoln and darwin share a birthday



I think the question is, who is cuter? Definitely definitely Darwin....

the state of the union address, You mean the state of my butt? Oh come ON ash! You read this thing? You totally saw that coming....

bush or no bush? I was just telling trixie about this. I think we need more bushes in iraq. Like the bush twins. It shows solidarity. Like he really does understand the sacrifice families are making.

female president versus minority or giuliani freaking giuliani. I am ALL ABOUT Obama. But my heart wouldnt break if it were hillary either. But freaking giuliani??? I think not...


Ok you ashtastic little fool!

coming into my own...

Ok Im still sick but some interesting stuff to share. Sort of...first of all, thanks to Jen I believe I have a new blogging identity. Or circle. Ive struggled with the label "mommyblogger" for a while. I mean I am obviously a mom but I want my blog to be more than that. I want to encapsulate the whole Crse. Well as much as a blog can. Jen asks in her Thursday Thirteen is there a category for "dorkblogger". And you know what? I stand in front of you all proud and naked (well sit in front of you actually, and actually dressed rather dorkily in grey flower pajama bottoms and a maroon hand me down velour shirt from my brother with navy blue socks on my feet) and say "I AM A DORKBLOGGER". Yes. This is me. Is my blog about being a mommy? Being a professional? Being an aging hippy with lost ideals? No my friends. I think we all know what its about. I AM A DORKBLOGGER!!!

im starting to sense a pattern here

Its 143am. Yup. Wide Awake. Fantastic. Whenever I have insomnia cycles I secretly wonder if Im going to go mad and nobody will notice because im already kind of peculiar. Ok I have no choice people. Must go to slash mode. Why? Because you will thank me. Its much more user friendly to read the slashes than to unjumble the confused paragraphs.

-took the adderrall before nine. Still very focused all day. Still wide awake. Is it the meds? I refuse to give up this med! For the first time since JULY I can efficiently complete tasks er.. stay on topic during conversations well..i noticed im cleaning up after myself more. and thats a really good thing? Right?

-Had a complete "middle child" day. I love being 36 years old and still developing symptoms of full-blown anxiety sickness over people I love possibly being in conflict. (Note i say possibly. I do not even say actively. Thanks for that "gift" Mom)

- I think 2007 is going to be a good year for me. It has a 7 in it. 7s are lucky. Ive decided it would be much more positive for me if I just ignore the fact that I have absolutely nothing from my personal experience or my past on which to base this belief. The turnip has a 7 in his birth-date. ANd gill and I were born in 70. 1997 wasnt a horrible year. All I can actually remember about it was moving into a fairly cool apartment and starting grad school. I also think I cleaned my cupboards during princess di's televised funeral in 97. Cleaning cupboards was such an ambitious task. Go me. I dont remember 87 but how bad could it have been? Im here right? There you have it. 2007. The year of the Crse.

- I understand cognitively that it is extremely irrational to cuss out the dishwasher repair guy for cashing our check already. However, if it takes you a week to return the call for the repair, should I not be entitled to a grace period where you hold onto my check and contemplate the kind universe that brings you people like me who dont rinse their dishes so goo develops in a pipe thus allowing you to swoop in and blow the goo out in less than twenty minutes while charging them almost three dollars a minute?

- Along the middle child line of thought. I just reflected on the fact that I used to play match maker with single folks. I loved setting people up until my friend pointed out to me that every time i did so, the couple would eventually break up and hate each other and one or both would invariably hate me as well.

- I think if this eye thing does not get resolved soon, I may start asking Gill to refer to me as "frankie eyeball" or something equally mob-like. I always wanted a suitable mob nickname and that one would be perfect.

- I think I might be tired! YAY! Thank you for your patience folks. Im probably going to take a lunesta tomorrow to spare us all....

Lamest New Year's Eve Ever...(and some resolutions)

We at the panflutemaster house have reached the pinnacle of lameness. Not only did we do absolutely nothing to celebrate the new year's arrival, but the entire team ended up asleep by 1030. We offered to let norm stay up till midnight but he told us the only way we could do that is if wed have to "keep bugging" him to make sure he was up. Gill and I were not going to touch that. I have no good reason why New Year's was so lame. It wasnt because the fabus had family obligations. We knew this in plenty of time. We could have wangled an invite to my brother's house but we didnt bother. We could have done several things but we chose not to. Instead we chose not to leave the house all day. In fact, we basically took turns on the couch and napping while children tore the house apart. It was a gloriously loungy weekend.

So despite the lackluster new year's eve, and my continual sense of exhaustion, I am hopeful today and full of resolution. Im committing them to blog for posterity's sake.

1. I resolve to eat better. I resolve to refrain from cookie breakfasts. Or days with nothing but cookies to eat. Or if I do this, I will do it sporadically at best.

2. I resolve to consistently take my meds. I will not wait until I have a big project due to double up on the adderall after not taking it all weekend. Everyone will be less annoyed if I stick to this resolution.

3. I will stop being so self-depracating. Ive improved assertiveness in some areas, but as Gretty pointed out to me, I do not need to grovel with servers to get my needs met. I will continue on my assertiveness journey.

4. I will attempt to focus on the positive when I am crabby.

5. I will take better physical care of myself. Right now that means calling a chiropractor tomorrow to get my back taken care of. It also means exercising and sleeping and stuff.

6. I will manage my money better. I will be more aware of my spending and make better consumer choices.

7. I will be a better communicator.

8. I will be more patient with Gill especially in his struggles with the children. I will recognize that the balance between us is good and stop framing his parenting as oppressive and growth stunting. I will also stop accusing him of trying to breed serial killers when we disagree.

damn now im overwhelming myself. all this self-talk makes me want to get back in bed. I slept for almost 12 hours on and off last night and im still tired. I think im not sleeping deeply. I dream but the dreams arent particularly good ones. But thats another blog. Happy New year folks!

late night musing

For the record, after posting my tt list, I had to threaten its removal no less than six times if Gill-smoke did not change his crappy attitude towards me and the children. SIX TIMES. You know what my problem is? no follow through. (although he did get significantly more pleasant as the evening wore on)

So I had the worst nap Ive had in YEARS yesterday and I STILL have the nap hangover. Its 4am. I took the nap almost 12 hours ago and i still feel like shit. Does anyone know what exactly causes nap hangovers?

Three little words that have wreaked havoc on my holiday eating patterns? "annual pie sale". This makes me wonder; is it possible to feel weight gain as its happening? I swear i feel that now.

Ive been feeling some grimness lately. Gretty and I have been talking about our mutual sense of this. Ill write more about this later.

Shit Norm is coming. Im busted...

its beginning to look a lot like panicked random slashes!

Everywhere I go...dododedoo...
Dateline: Dec. 23. 930am. Status: Denial with floating waves of panic.

- I have: 3 weeks worth of case notes to write and organize. By tuesday. Afternoon at least. I keep making proclamations of intent to Norm. He ignores me. Four years old and he already knows his mommy is full of shit.

- The Christmas Tree showed up missing limbs. We had to buy an emergency tree. It is white with colored lights. Apparently there was some worry that I would not approve of the tree. Um 17 bucks for a four foot tree? Im not here to judge people. Merry Freaking Christmas.

- Right now Im trapped in some sort of television hell watching the "Death of Iceman" whose name is apparently Ootzie. Half watching it once would not be bad. But Gill keeps wandering away and coming back causing me to rewind it. I swear weve been watching fucking ootzie for two hours now and we are about half hour in.

-Gill is off his game this morning. Had to prod him to make me coffee and then actually POUR IT MYSELF. (WTF!!!!) Now he is laying on the couch (Lying? I always mix that up) translating written signs from the documentary "see that billboard? that means Italy. Itzele" Oh god here comes the naked archeologist i know it. I HATE HIM.

- The turnip is not having a good weekend. He's only produced two hard little pebbles of poop since thursday. This is affecting his mood. He has also learned to open door handles. But this new skill is not consistent which means that we hear his little calls (ahhhbooo...ahDAH ahDAH!) from remote parts of the house indicating that he's gone into a room, shut the door and is unable to open it again.

-Gill thinks Ootzie is Jesus. Now he is channeling Talledega Nights. I love that movie.

- Norm is hysterically sobbing. TURNIP JUST RUINED SESAME STREET! Doesnt turnip realize there is no christmas in jail? Oh my god, Norm is now sucked into this show.


- The turnip just got down off my lap after a belly tickling session of "STOP RUINING CHRISTMAS" interspersed with "SANTA HATES BABIES". I cherish this special time where I can speak freely to my baby and as long as I use a fun tone he just giggles.

- Speaking of which, we have no pictures of my kids with santa yet.

- And we have a houseful of people coming tomorrow.

-And more presents to buy.

-But Im going out tonight anyway. Because its the ugly season. Im obligated.

- The show is paused YET AGAIN.

im going people. ill be back before christmas. unless i end up in jail.
-

Six degrees of anxiety binding

I have a work friend who for the sake of the blog we will call Spike. He shares an office with Madame Fabu which greatly delights me. I will not expound upon the many great qualities of Spike because he has been here to visit before and i dont want him to think im sucking up but suffice it to say, Spike is really good people.

Anyway, as my dear readers (both real life and bloggy) know, Im currently in the throes of an insomnia cycle. This will come into play later.

It all began when i went to meet madame fabu on wednesday to complete some assignments (that she has been OH SO PATIENTLY waiting for me to do and yes i am sucking up because she EARNED that as you will see). I cant remember how the conversation with Spike started but i can tell you that somehow during the course of that conversation a completely useless and maddening obsession took root....within five minutes, I was completely sucked in. Ok are you ready? Its the kevin bacon game. Now im guessing most of you know the kevin bacon game where all actors and actresses can be linked to kevin bacon in less than six connections? its been around for years and i admit my idiot savant tendencies allowed me to have some fun with it in the mid nineties. Somehow, and i truly have no idea how, in the midst of my completely overwhelmed end of the month panic mode, something in my brain decided it needed to completely glom onto this concept.

Spike and I spent the better part of the early evening annoying the crap out of fellow co-workers (madame fabu was surprisingly patient even though she really doesnt get it since she chooses to fill her brain with silly things like attention to pertinent details and clinical skills)(Besides at some point i need to blog about her own little mental hell which will not only be extremely entertaining but also will allow my readers to see that she has very few stones to throw hehehe)trying to meet any and all challenges we could imagine or elicit from unsuspecting passersby. Good times right? No big deal. TO be honest, it is perfectly normal for me to waste valuable time on stuff like this forcing myself to stay up and work til all hours in the morning to make up for my own idiocy (Its ok, im dealing with it in therapy) But much to my surprise, next thing I realize its the predawn hours of the following morning and I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE CONNECTIONS!

It kind of clicked that this might have crossed the bounds of distracting spider monkey party games when I was weighing the appropriacy of texting Spike at 345am to tell him i did Jean Claude Van Damme in 4 steps. (weve since established that i will probably do that frequently now and he should not be alarmed) Maybe its the nature of the game offering me some sort of "brain gym" stimulation to help me decompress. Maybe its the extreme prison rules we've kind of developed for the game (Lonnie Manko is quite entertained by this and is helping cement the prison rules). All I know is for the past few days, Ive refined these connections in my mind continually, constantly looking for newer shorter ways to make this happen. Spending spare moments perusing the IMDB for new connections (following my own strict standards of research of course. Is that a sign of a schizophrenic break? It seems like it might be but obviously Im not in a position to judge)Desperately grabbing friends and relatives begging them to give me a challenging actor or actress.

Why am I telling you this? to process? to look for some sort of solution? Are you joking? IM LOOKING FOR NEW PEOPLE! I am giving myself two weeks of allowing myself open access to the IMDB just for refreshing purposes (I bore two children, i should be allowed to refresh of course still following the same stringent research standards) and then I plan on being a complete MACHINE about this. UN. STOPPABLE. Ok, Aunt Erthy is here so im going to shower and think about bernadette peters for a while and then share a meal with her!

bitch and moan monday- a live blog

Well its the end of the month friends. We all know what that means. A sea of casenotes, a short temper and squalor all around me! So being that nobody would see me today, I thought why not live blog my bitching and moaning for the day! I shall do this and it shall be good. And I shall use random slashes. And I shall veer from bitching and moaning should it serve me to do so. After all, its the end of the month, we can probably color anything I come up with as a bitch or a moan!

1ish- two things i did not want to say to norm today: "maybe its not a good idea to make a picture out of your bubble gum." and "please dont eat your yogurt in the clothes basket. Daddy will come unglued."

- I am thinking of expanding my tivo selections. I am ready to add a new program I think. Maybe even two. Does anyone have suggestions besides grey's anatomy? I already watch the office, CSI and the law and orders. Im thinking about heroes, brothers and sisters or possibly house. Feedback?

- I freaking hate the show lazy town. If you don't know what Im talking about consider yourself lucky. It is a compilation of really ugly puppets and the single most annoying child I have ever observed (and bear in mind, i work with kids with behavior disorders). Stephanie (and this includes but is not limited to all the little assholes on the welches grape juice commercials). She has pink hair and chews up the scenery worse than judy garland on a drinking binge. I think a lot about bitch slapping her. It makes me feel better.

-Speaking of judy garland, i heard this great story that she was drunk at a party and threw a bunch of lawn furniture into the swimming pool and screamed "there is no fucking rainbow!". I love this image. It makes me happy too.


- I just found this picture for my readers' edification. The more I look at it, the more I think she looks like a boy in drag. I think I would find her more likable if she was a boy in drag.

3 ish- Slash break time! Ok John Edwards' teeth are way too big and perfect to be acceptable in a vice president. I wonder if this cost his team the 2004 election Or maybe it was because despite the fact that I watched all three debates and can see his face clearly, I can never remember the guy who actually ran's name. Kemp right? Kemp. Also known as "the other guy".

- One would expect a documentary on Benito Mussolini and General Franco not to be so....abrasive. I was so interested but the narration was so harsh I had to turn away to something more soothing like the relaxing voice of the guy who narrates "City Confidential". Truth be told though, relaxing is probably not the right word. He is more scintillating. The way he described my dead town as "sitting on the edge of the river like a rusted out and abandoned pick up truck" makes everyone in the city sound...sexy.

- I wonder if the bill collector who calls from the unknown number and leaves me messages regarding "personal business" actually believes that I dont know what he wants. Even if I had the money, I dont think I could talk to him now. Too much water under the bridge.

430pm-Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are splitting up? I cant believe it! They had so many weddings, I thought for sure they would be married forever.

-Add to things I didnt want to have to say to norm today. "Do you know why my butt is covered in gum? Is it supposed to be covered in gum?" I should be time coding the live blog shouldnt i?

744pm- Just got home from a lovely dinner and visit with my friend Kathleen and her sons. She is due to have another son on the 17th of January and we were picking out names for her baby. I suggested she auction off the naming privilege on E-bay. How bad could it be? No matter what they came up with there has to be a cute nickname...

-Chaos is ensuing here at the panflutemaster house as we have conflict involving a hot wheels set and missing stickers and pieces. Our baby of perpetual dissatisfaction is whining and norm has just this minute has become hysterical because his father will not give him coffee.

Vote Early and Vote Often

Ok because I did a little inappropriate comment blogging on my dearest Pippa's blog, I gotta put this out there. I have a confession dear readers. I. Love. Election Season. I love it. I love it. I love it. I think Im an election geek. I think my friends have read enough to gather my leanings but I do try to keep the politics out of my blog just because random people who are not regular commentors are more likely to log on and say stupid illogical and wrong things on my blog and that annoys me. My blog is not here to echo fox news soundbites provide a place for stupid rants. Having said that, let me just tell you once again, I love this season! No matter what the political climate, its such an exciting time.

I was just telling Pippa that I think I might have spent my last incarnation in a fascist state because after 18 years of having the right to vote, I still get a kick out voting!I dont know if its because I have an incredibly large ego and it seems so obvious that my opinion really matters (ok i admit, i also call in those numbers on receipts because frankly, i think the folks at valvoline really DO care about what I think). I research this stuff for weeks and start watching and reading my various sources to make my choices. It just occurred to me that voting is my version of a fantasy football draft!

Im not so naive to think that there is not corruption. I know all about the illusion of the two party system. But damn it, this is still America. If the past ten years have taught us anything, its that ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. Ok I still need to blog about my day so Ill end my rant now.

Edited to Add: My friend Molly texted to me today to tell me she was extremely excited because she voted for the first time this afternoon. I asked her what she thought. She said "It was awesome. Just like ordering at sheetz, without getting the biscuit at the end!" And that folks, is democracy in action.

you want the truth?

Ok because I have a pampered chef party that starts in 7 hours. Because my turnip is a grumpy little bitch this morning. Because my fans have clamored. Be ready. The lies are: (drum roll please)

#4. Gill and I met in a strange twist o fate kind of way that did not involve advertising, but did involve LB and Erthy and many other people and their paths crossing by chance.

#6 The crush is actually on Tom Brokaw.

#11 I. love. dogs!

Stories for other items available upon request.

Dont feel bad friends. I AM that good of a liar.

GillMeme

What kind of wife doesnt steal her own spouse's MeMe? Its a little out there but if you know Gill-Smoke then this will not surprise you.

1. What did you dream last night? I dreamt about my grammy. I was due. I dreamt she was there and I somehow knew I wouldnt be able to hug her because it was a dream but I tried to anyway, but she stopped me and said, she didnt know what would happen because she thought her insides might have been gnawed out. For some reason we both giggled. I was crying because i was so happy to see her. I asked her how it was on the other side and she said it was "cool". The dream made me so happy.

2. What image or symbol represents the absolute of your desires? The beloved tree sloth

3. In what ways has your fate been affected by invisible forces you don't understand or are barely aware of? Meet my husband Gill-smoke. Finding him was PURE FATE.

4. Tell a good lie. Well Norm, we cant go to the water part of the amusement park because its closed. Those kids are walking around with towels because they took showers in the boys room because they were so hot. We cant go in the boys room because daddy isnt here.

5. What were the circumstances in which you were most dangerously alive? Living on the mountain.

6. Are you a good listener? If so, describe how you listen. If not, explain why not. I Yes thats why I get paid the big bucks. I try to listen without judgment and with empathy

7. Compose an exciting prayer in w hich you ask for something you're not supposed to. Sweet baby jesus all wrapped up in your gold fleece diaper, please smite my enemies by causing them to pee their own pants whenever they dont listen to my advice. Oh baby jesus all snug in your manger watching baby einstein shapes learning about shapes and colors, please curse that lady who spelled her kid's name all stupid that makes me want to point and laugh him. Make others point and laugh at her like I point and laugh unto her kid.

8. What's the difference between right and wrong? My opinions obviously

9. Name something you've done to undo, subvert, or neutralize the Battle of the Sexes. My wife and I have non standard gender roles.

10. Have you ever witnessed a child being born? If so, describe how it changed you. No I couldnt see anything. It was pretty damn intense though.

11. Compose a beautiful blasphemy that makes you feel like crying.
I had to think about this. I ended up crying in my therapist's office because my sweetest friend's dog died. And I was crying because my friend is so beautiful and because I love that she is my family and that seemed a beautifully blasphemous outburst for my therapy session.

12. What do you do to make people like you? I pay them

13. If you're not familiar with the Jungian concept of the "shadow," find out about it. If you are, good. In either case, give a description of the nature of your personal shadow. "the black. it represents my mother".

14. Talk about three of your most interesting personalities. Give each one a name and a power animal. Well first there is Hank. His power animal would probably be a swine. He is a male chauvinist 50s husband who expects to be waited on hand and foot. He is a pig, but he does love his spouse. Then there is Carl Wheezer. His power animal is a llama. He has many fears and neuroses. He is generally a pushover and a hypochondriac. Finally, there is Crse. A confused and dishevelled spider monkey who is entertaining and chaotic but will often surprise the masses with spasms of common sense and wisdom here and there.

15. Make up a dream in which you lose control and thereby attract a crowd of worshipers. The lies I tell Norm eventually escalate into fundamental belief systems for four year olds everywhere. Soon I have a cult on my hands yet they are all four years old so I cant even cash in on them.

16. Name your greatest unnecessary taboo and how you would violate it if it didn't hurt anyone. Ohhh... I mustnt speak of it...its too taboo...

17. Give an example of how smart you are in the way you love. I can only point to my family (stealing this from gill but adding) and my friends.

18. What ignorance do you deserve to be forgiven for? Ignoring the suffering of the people around me (going with gill's here too)

19. What was the pain that healed you the most? Having a horrible mom then becoming a mom myself.

20. Make a prediction about yourself. I predict I will be eating halloween candy within the next half hour.