I want to blame the illness but in my darkest heart, I fear and know the illness is only a mask. I think if I had more free time and television control, this could easily become my life. It's too late for me friends, but to make sure this doesn't happen to any of you, here are warning signs to look for:
- You are bummed on the weekends because you know the congress segments are all reruns.
- You watch the segments anyway in case they are showing different parts you might have missed.
- You become giddy when you see they are re-showing an oversights committee hearing involving Roger Clemens testimony on steroids.
- You plan your day around the hearing.
- You find yourself holding your bladder until the fifteen minute break so you won't have to miss anything.
- While trying to rest and listen, you are playing your own personal guessing game of trying to figure out the political leanings of each representative based on their line of questioning.
- You have stats for the game.
- You won't be able to play much longer because you are starting recognize reps by their voices without even looking at the screen.
- You become enraged with other reps and shout insults at the screen between fits of coughing. (you subsequently get an unpleasant glimpse about what being old is going to look like for you)
- You find yourself repeatedly fantasizing about how, if an oversights committee ever got shitty with you during whatever hearing you might be subpoenaed to, you would suck up all their allotted time being argumentative and chastising them for rudeness.
- You realize that maybe just maybe, your crush on Russ Feingold isn't...well...normal.
On the positive side, Ive made my decision for the primary. More later....right now I have to get back to catch Vladimir Putin....
Showing posts with label the tragicomical embarrassment that is my life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the tragicomical embarrassment that is my life. Show all posts
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Thursday, November 29, 2007
My baby, My Terrorist Captor or Anatomy of an Ear Infection
• peed on the vanity in my bathroom
• Refused to get dressed, thus forcing me to do the “pin the cat on the hot rock” dance
• Tantrummed all the way to drop Norm off at school
• Tantrummed all the way to sitter
• Had to be pried from arms at sitter
• Was happy for a total of 37 seconds after leaving sitters.
• Stripped off all clothes and ran away giggling maniacally upon return to house
• Threw a plate of chips on the floor in abject disgust
• Played quietly for about five minutes which should have been a big red alarm siren
• Speaking of big and red, came running out of my bedroom giggling as soon as suspicion was smelled.
• Greeted me waving hands covered in bright red paint, “look look”. Look at the bright red paint covering my hands and half my body.
• Ran back into the bedroom before being snatched and thrown into the tub
• Cheerfully offered to “help” as I scrubbed the bath of already dried red paint in a futile attempt to remove trail from rug.
• Yelled “top it” when I collapsed on the floor and begged nobody in particular to just put me inpatient.
• Threw another bowl of chips on the floor in a rage.
• Would not leave my side for the rest of the evening
• Fell asleep at 10pm. Woke up at 1am
• Engaged in an hour long demand ridden play fest of peek-a-boo and pat-a-cake
• Watched Melmo til 4am. Screaming MOM every time my eyes closed
• Finally asked for dad.
I will save my detailed metaphorical description entitled “my baby, my hairshirt” until Ive polished it more.
Please insert "peed on my leg after refusing to put on diaper" right after "threw second of bowl of chips on floor"
• Refused to get dressed, thus forcing me to do the “pin the cat on the hot rock” dance
• Tantrummed all the way to drop Norm off at school
• Tantrummed all the way to sitter
• Had to be pried from arms at sitter
• Was happy for a total of 37 seconds after leaving sitters.
• Stripped off all clothes and ran away giggling maniacally upon return to house
• Threw a plate of chips on the floor in abject disgust
• Played quietly for about five minutes which should have been a big red alarm siren
• Speaking of big and red, came running out of my bedroom giggling as soon as suspicion was smelled.
• Greeted me waving hands covered in bright red paint, “look look”. Look at the bright red paint covering my hands and half my body.
• Ran back into the bedroom before being snatched and thrown into the tub
• Cheerfully offered to “help” as I scrubbed the bath of already dried red paint in a futile attempt to remove trail from rug.
• Yelled “top it” when I collapsed on the floor and begged nobody in particular to just put me inpatient.
• Threw another bowl of chips on the floor in a rage.
• Would not leave my side for the rest of the evening
• Fell asleep at 10pm. Woke up at 1am
• Engaged in an hour long demand ridden play fest of peek-a-boo and pat-a-cake
• Watched Melmo til 4am. Screaming MOM every time my eyes closed
• Finally asked for dad.
I will save my detailed metaphorical description entitled “my baby, my hairshirt” until Ive polished it more.
Please insert "peed on my leg after refusing to put on diaper" right after "threw second of bowl of chips on floor"
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Crse and the horrible terrible no-good very bad day
Trip Highlights:
-Arrived at fabu household at 930 on the dot. (as planned) Senor had gone to get the tickets for the park.
-940: Senor arrives with one ticket but a plan of action. We all load up ready to tackle the plan.
-10am: Drove to municipal building. They had three tickets. We needed 8.
-10:08am: Promised Norm that a sheetz breakfast was about to happen and that Sheetz was in eyesight range.
-10:12am: Drove to Credit Union as per muni recommendation while promising Norm that we were only feet away from the sheetz still.
-10:13am: Watched the "ticket team" walk out of the bank empty handed.
-10:14am: Stopped trying to convince norm we were going to eat and started whining along with him as we headed to triple A.
10:22am: Picked up a very disgusted Madame Fabu from the triple A parking lot as she informed us that we did get one more ticket but senor does not have his wallet and that we just needed to go to Sheetz.
10:30- Finally made it to sheetz where we hooked back up with the rest of the fabus and ordered our breakfasts. Personal breakfast consisted of a fruit smoothie, a banana and a little cup of cheerios. (this is foreshadowing)
10:40- Left Sheetz and finally were on our way.
10:50- Bad feeling in stomach. Gill must pull over.
10:51- Puked bananas and fruit smoothies on the side of the road.
10:53- repeat last two time-line entries.
10:56- On the road again!
11:10- Stopped by a corn field so Norm could pee.
11:30- Noticed our buick lesabre (aka mid-sized sedan of my dreams or simply "the mistress") was missing out.
11:30-12:15- Tense dialogue between Crse and Gill about what the Mistress wanted and how she was being handled. Crse ominously repeating "Mistress doesn't like it when you (fill in the blank as needed)...put the gas to the floor/speak roughly to her/ punch the steering wheel." Gill dismissing crse's warnings saying Mistress needed to learn her place while shifting gears in what can only be described as displeasing to her. Crse softly singing "She will turn your face to alabaster, when you find your servant is your master" as Mistress continues to stall more and more frequently.
12:15- Stop to pick up one of the few fun and pleasant extended family members from Senor Fabu's side. Norm pees again.
12:20- Continue to the waterpark noting that the engine "rest" did not improve Mistress's mood.
12:35: Almost got wiped off the freeway during a merge as Mistress would not accelerate above thirty miles per hour. Pulled over to side of freeway. Remind Norm, the screaming Turnip and Gill that this indeed is an adventure and all was ok.
12:36- Receive frantic call from the Fabus who realized we were gone. Thwarted an effort to switch and continue ahead with Madame and the fabulettes while senor and the children stayed with gill.
12:40- Gill returns to the car and accusingly asks when the last time the oil was changed. Crse counter-accuses Gill of confusing the issue. Gill notices oil sticker dated from last november. Crse tries to convince Gill she goes to a special guy who doesn't use stickers. Gill replies, "he must not use oil either because you are down two quarts." Norm attempts to restore harmony in the car "guys guys guys...we are in public". Crse apologizes for calling Gill a dickhead and Gill basks in the glory of knowing the Mistress's problems are Crse's fault.
12:41- Consult with Fabus about attempting to find a gas station at the next exit, refill oil and top off coolant.
12:42- Gill turns on HEAT FULL BLAST and rolls down windows claiming he was "cooling the engine" although everyone in the car knew he was punishing Crse for the oil transgression.
12:50- arrived at Sheetz (because it's everywhere you want to be). Crse takes children in to wash them off while Gill does required maintenance. Rendevous with Fabus who reaffirm that we are all ok and we were almost there.
12:55- Depart for a heat filled yet eventless ride to the waterpark.
1:30- Arrive at the gate of the waterpark to meet the rest of the folks in our party. Perhaps day would be ok after all. And it was until.....well just read on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You met him as "The turnip" You knew him when he earned the nicknames "turnado" for his destructive tendencies and "nocturner" for his lack of sleep at night. Friends, with great alarm, he has evolved into what Madame Fabu has dubbed "The Turnimator".
Ill save you the stories of him attempting to belly flop in the pool and running into the street to the point that he's lost "outside privileges". Last night tops them all.
By around 730 all of the adults were quite pleased with how the children were handling the day. We had found a nice little niche where the turnip and the littlest fabu were riding a kiddie helicopter ride over and over again. It had gotten to the point that they didnt even have to get out because not that many kids were riding. I was extremely excited because the turnip showed none of the fear that his brother had at his age in terms of rides. He was delighted with everything and quite content to settle into the helicopters.
Now friends, the helicopters swooped. They went up around fifteen feet and then swooped back down in a circle. I believe the incident occurred around the eleventh time on the ride. I should have seen it coming when he tried to stand up before the ride started. I never imagined what would happen next. The ride was going around and Gill was watching while I faced the other way chatting with Madame Fabu. Im not sure if it was the collective gasp or if Gill said something but I turned around to see my baby in midair, climbing from the back seat of the helicopter to the front. I remember screaming. I remember Madame Fabu telling me that it was ok and that he was sitting down again. I remember the attendant with her hand over her mouth (clearly well-trained in emergencies, as well as the safety guidelines of proper buckling). I remember yelling "please stop the ride". I remember Gill dragging him out of the helicopter while the littlest fabu was looking at him with an "I wouldnt have even tried that one" look. And of course the turnip all the while is screaming with indignation. And that is how we left the park. So fifteen days into being two we've already also lost "kiddie ride privileges".
I just want to put him in a foam box until he is four and possesses reasoning skills.
-Arrived at fabu household at 930 on the dot. (as planned) Senor had gone to get the tickets for the park.
-940: Senor arrives with one ticket but a plan of action. We all load up ready to tackle the plan.
-10am: Drove to municipal building. They had three tickets. We needed 8.
-10:08am: Promised Norm that a sheetz breakfast was about to happen and that Sheetz was in eyesight range.
-10:12am: Drove to Credit Union as per muni recommendation while promising Norm that we were only feet away from the sheetz still.
-10:13am: Watched the "ticket team" walk out of the bank empty handed.
-10:14am: Stopped trying to convince norm we were going to eat and started whining along with him as we headed to triple A.
10:22am: Picked up a very disgusted Madame Fabu from the triple A parking lot as she informed us that we did get one more ticket but senor does not have his wallet and that we just needed to go to Sheetz.
10:30- Finally made it to sheetz where we hooked back up with the rest of the fabus and ordered our breakfasts. Personal breakfast consisted of a fruit smoothie, a banana and a little cup of cheerios. (this is foreshadowing)
10:40- Left Sheetz and finally were on our way.
10:50- Bad feeling in stomach. Gill must pull over.
10:51- Puked bananas and fruit smoothies on the side of the road.
10:53- repeat last two time-line entries.
10:56- On the road again!
11:10- Stopped by a corn field so Norm could pee.
11:30- Noticed our buick lesabre (aka mid-sized sedan of my dreams or simply "the mistress") was missing out.
11:30-12:15- Tense dialogue between Crse and Gill about what the Mistress wanted and how she was being handled. Crse ominously repeating "Mistress doesn't like it when you (fill in the blank as needed)...put the gas to the floor/speak roughly to her/ punch the steering wheel." Gill dismissing crse's warnings saying Mistress needed to learn her place while shifting gears in what can only be described as displeasing to her. Crse softly singing "She will turn your face to alabaster, when you find your servant is your master" as Mistress continues to stall more and more frequently.
12:15- Stop to pick up one of the few fun and pleasant extended family members from Senor Fabu's side. Norm pees again.
12:20- Continue to the waterpark noting that the engine "rest" did not improve Mistress's mood.
12:35: Almost got wiped off the freeway during a merge as Mistress would not accelerate above thirty miles per hour. Pulled over to side of freeway. Remind Norm, the screaming Turnip and Gill that this indeed is an adventure and all was ok.
12:36- Receive frantic call from the Fabus who realized we were gone. Thwarted an effort to switch and continue ahead with Madame and the fabulettes while senor and the children stayed with gill.
12:40- Gill returns to the car and accusingly asks when the last time the oil was changed. Crse counter-accuses Gill of confusing the issue. Gill notices oil sticker dated from last november. Crse tries to convince Gill she goes to a special guy who doesn't use stickers. Gill replies, "he must not use oil either because you are down two quarts." Norm attempts to restore harmony in the car "guys guys guys...we are in public". Crse apologizes for calling Gill a dickhead and Gill basks in the glory of knowing the Mistress's problems are Crse's fault.
12:41- Consult with Fabus about attempting to find a gas station at the next exit, refill oil and top off coolant.
12:42- Gill turns on HEAT FULL BLAST and rolls down windows claiming he was "cooling the engine" although everyone in the car knew he was punishing Crse for the oil transgression.
12:50- arrived at Sheetz (because it's everywhere you want to be). Crse takes children in to wash them off while Gill does required maintenance. Rendevous with Fabus who reaffirm that we are all ok and we were almost there.
12:55- Depart for a heat filled yet eventless ride to the waterpark.
1:30- Arrive at the gate of the waterpark to meet the rest of the folks in our party. Perhaps day would be ok after all. And it was until.....well just read on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You met him as "The turnip" You knew him when he earned the nicknames "turnado" for his destructive tendencies and "nocturner" for his lack of sleep at night. Friends, with great alarm, he has evolved into what Madame Fabu has dubbed "The Turnimator".
Ill save you the stories of him attempting to belly flop in the pool and running into the street to the point that he's lost "outside privileges". Last night tops them all.
By around 730 all of the adults were quite pleased with how the children were handling the day. We had found a nice little niche where the turnip and the littlest fabu were riding a kiddie helicopter ride over and over again. It had gotten to the point that they didnt even have to get out because not that many kids were riding. I was extremely excited because the turnip showed none of the fear that his brother had at his age in terms of rides. He was delighted with everything and quite content to settle into the helicopters.
Now friends, the helicopters swooped. They went up around fifteen feet and then swooped back down in a circle. I believe the incident occurred around the eleventh time on the ride. I should have seen it coming when he tried to stand up before the ride started. I never imagined what would happen next. The ride was going around and Gill was watching while I faced the other way chatting with Madame Fabu. Im not sure if it was the collective gasp or if Gill said something but I turned around to see my baby in midair, climbing from the back seat of the helicopter to the front. I remember screaming. I remember Madame Fabu telling me that it was ok and that he was sitting down again. I remember the attendant with her hand over her mouth (clearly well-trained in emergencies, as well as the safety guidelines of proper buckling). I remember yelling "please stop the ride". I remember Gill dragging him out of the helicopter while the littlest fabu was looking at him with an "I wouldnt have even tried that one" look. And of course the turnip all the while is screaming with indignation. And that is how we left the park. So fifteen days into being two we've already also lost "kiddie ride privileges".
I just want to put him in a foam box until he is four and possesses reasoning skills.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
An early tuesday multiple choice guessing game
The end of the fiscal year is five days away. You have made some progress on your notes but are not nearly done. You are attending clown camp every morning in addition to your regular schedule. (Did I tell you they are spelling it klown kamp? Probably not as this particular attempt at cutsie misspelling "triggers my sociopathy", as aunt gretty would say.) How do you handle your paperwork needs during your free time on the weekend? (choose all that might apply)
A: Sleep for an 18 hour stretch, thus allowing you to be up for 28 solid hours during which you may engage in the following:
B: Play Mah Jong for seven solid hours, goofing off yes, but at least the files are open in the event of an experience of unexpected motivation.
C: Clean and attempt to detail the car after two and half years of abuse and neglect because "it really needs done".
D: Actually write the notes.
If you guessed D? You need to be slapped. Since I cant rightly do that, Im sending you back to re-read this entire blog. You can take the test over again for half credit.
A: Sleep for an 18 hour stretch, thus allowing you to be up for 28 solid hours during which you may engage in the following:
B: Play Mah Jong for seven solid hours, goofing off yes, but at least the files are open in the event of an experience of unexpected motivation.
C: Clean and attempt to detail the car after two and half years of abuse and neglect because "it really needs done".
D: Actually write the notes.
If you guessed D? You need to be slapped. Since I cant rightly do that, Im sending you back to re-read this entire blog. You can take the test over again for half credit.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
WTF is my problem Wednesday
Bad ideas ive had today
- getting a bug up my ass to actually add decor to my house three days before our memorial day party.
- deciding the day before norm's graduation to revamp his whole outfit using clothing and accessories i have never seen in reality but can imagine very clearly.
- Offering to bake cookies for the graduation and having zero plans or ingredients as of right now. Did I mention i work all day today and tomorrow?
-Saying I would be at the russian gulag by noon
- Telling Norm I will take him to the movies tonight despite all that is happening.
Must. Drive. Gill. And. Gret. Completely. Insane. By. Tomorrow.
- getting a bug up my ass to actually add decor to my house three days before our memorial day party.
- deciding the day before norm's graduation to revamp his whole outfit using clothing and accessories i have never seen in reality but can imagine very clearly.
- Offering to bake cookies for the graduation and having zero plans or ingredients as of right now. Did I mention i work all day today and tomorrow?
-Saying I would be at the russian gulag by noon
- Telling Norm I will take him to the movies tonight despite all that is happening.
Must. Drive. Gill. And. Gret. Completely. Insane. By. Tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Things I learned today
- Even though some shampoos contain honey, it is not good to have honey in your hair. In fact, it gets quite painful if you dont know how to deal with it. If you ever get honey in your hair, go directly to the shower. Even if there is a fork or a piece of toast involved. Also, it probably isnt going to come out the first time you wash so get ready to go back in.
- Telling your brother "I hope you dont die" when he goes to bed can actually be seen as a step in the right direction, and beats the alternative previous bedtime wish which cannot be written.
- The green goblin in spiderman 3 has dissociative identity disorder. (And apparently so does my 18 year old client now that she's seen it) Also, dealing with people who think they have Dissociative Identity Disorder makes me want to punch them.
- Even though Im almost 37, Im scared to talk to the principal.
- Related to the above, if receiving a return phone call from the principal, try to remember that he will not take you seriously if you ask him to hold because you are wandering around sheetz, looking for a place to put the collection of beverages you were gathering when he called. It is much better to ask him to hold and pretend that you are talking to someone else. (sorry about that again, Madame Fabu).
- Even if you do make the principal laugh with said sheetz situation, it is still not fun to schedule a follow up call for the next morningto discuss why he thinks your agency sucks. If you do this, your stomach will probably hurt all night long.
- Doing the right thing clinically and professionally can cause stomach aches on a regular basis.
-Sometimes talking about cartoons can de-escalate very tense situations.
Ok I think thats about all ive got to pass forward in terms of helpful hints and whatnot.
PS: Gretty I did make charts and write summaries today too! I promise! Ill show you the evidence.....
- Telling your brother "I hope you dont die" when he goes to bed can actually be seen as a step in the right direction, and beats the alternative previous bedtime wish which cannot be written.
- The green goblin in spiderman 3 has dissociative identity disorder. (And apparently so does my 18 year old client now that she's seen it) Also, dealing with people who think they have Dissociative Identity Disorder makes me want to punch them.
- Even though Im almost 37, Im scared to talk to the principal.
- Related to the above, if receiving a return phone call from the principal, try to remember that he will not take you seriously if you ask him to hold because you are wandering around sheetz, looking for a place to put the collection of beverages you were gathering when he called. It is much better to ask him to hold and pretend that you are talking to someone else. (sorry about that again, Madame Fabu).
- Even if you do make the principal laugh with said sheetz situation, it is still not fun to schedule a follow up call for the next morningto discuss why he thinks your agency sucks. If you do this, your stomach will probably hurt all night long.
- Doing the right thing clinically and professionally can cause stomach aches on a regular basis.
-Sometimes talking about cartoons can de-escalate very tense situations.
Ok I think thats about all ive got to pass forward in terms of helpful hints and whatnot.
PS: Gretty I did make charts and write summaries today too! I promise! Ill show you the evidence.....
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Random thoughts on a wednesday
Oh friends, I have soo much catching up to do. Its not just that my work world has apparently turned into some creepy surreal underworld of dread (Madame Fabu can I get an amen!) but the turnip has developed some alarming new habits. He now wakes up at roughly 6am. This would not be bad if we could just snuggle on the couch like the good old days. But friends, my little caligula will not hear of that. We must choose our own breakfast through a series of nods for assent and screams for disappointment. Well...not a lot of nods actually. Mostly just screams. Then we use the same method to choose a beverage and sippy cup of choice. And then a television channel. And it goes on. And on. Interestingly, although he is less snuggly he has exponentially increased his clinginess level in the past few weeks. The difference between snuggling and clinging? Level of satisfaction. So my computer activities have been completely curbed in the waking hours of an unreasonable, demanding, dissatisfied baby. I sent everyone to bed at 815 tonight. God I need to blog about something other than why im not blogging or catching up on my blog readings. But now? Im too damn tired.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The post that should have never been
This is what I woke up to this morning.
(first a little voice either singing or mumbling to himself under the pillows until a head pops up) "Mom do you remember Naruto last night because i need to play it with aunt gretty today." No buddy, go back to sleep. "Its ok if you dont mom i remember how to make the wind sign and what else do I need?" Ok good baby, go back to sleep. "No mom i think i need to get up and start my day, so Im nice and fresh. Ill just be in the living room mom but i wont get snatched because all the doors are locked and if i do get snatched, i will kick and bite and scream MOMMY as loud as i can and then we can go hide in the basement and the guy who is trying to snatch me wont even know where to look and you can call the police mom. Youll have to bring your phone down ok mom? Or Maybe we should go to the attic. Where do you think we should live mom? Attic or basement? Maybe we should just live down in the basement cause its warm. Mom do you know how tornados are made? The hot air and the cold air are chasing each other around and around until they make a big windy circle. Its pretty cool mom as long as we are in the basement. I think im going to go take a shower mom but i dont need help because i know how to turn the water on without burning myself." (ed note: he actually does, and while I would not let any five year old do this, apparently he experimented with this without my knowledge and has this skill now) "So this is how i do it mom, i turn on the cold all the way like this (shhhhhhh) and then i just add the hot little by little til its warm enough and then i turn it on. But dont worry mom, i wont get snatched in the shower ok? Mom turnip is awake." (still clinging to the hope that i might at least be able to shut my eyes for five more minutes)He's not crying buddy leave my door open and ill get him in a minute. "oh you gotta get him now mom he is saying mommadat. He wants you" (ok maybe since he just woke up he will snuggle during the shower.....and he stinks and he has stripped off his pajamas, but he is not crying so I can take the smell for five minutes until he starts getting wiggly) "mom you know he cant come into the shower with me because he got clean last night and he stinks and his hair looks really weird" Buddy he is not going to want to be in the shower, he is afraid of the shower. Maybe he will stand there and talk to you but he wont go in. (because clearly turnip is not into the snuggle, ok maybe they will entertain each other in their the door is open, ill just lay here until after.You would think after five solid years of the "few minutes more" NEVER working out, id give up. I never give up.) "MOM, YOU HAVE TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE because one: he got cleaned last night" (do you like the list structure he does now? He actually makes it appropriately sequential one out of four times! Also, note that even norm, in his tender years, does not accept what gill does in the nuclear accident scrub down as a bath) "two: he stinks and three: his hair looks weird." As you can imagine friends, so far, this is not the morning i wanted to have.
(first a little voice either singing or mumbling to himself under the pillows until a head pops up) "Mom do you remember Naruto last night because i need to play it with aunt gretty today." No buddy, go back to sleep. "Its ok if you dont mom i remember how to make the wind sign and what else do I need?" Ok good baby, go back to sleep. "No mom i think i need to get up and start my day, so Im nice and fresh. Ill just be in the living room mom but i wont get snatched because all the doors are locked and if i do get snatched, i will kick and bite and scream MOMMY as loud as i can and then we can go hide in the basement and the guy who is trying to snatch me wont even know where to look and you can call the police mom. Youll have to bring your phone down ok mom? Or Maybe we should go to the attic. Where do you think we should live mom? Attic or basement? Maybe we should just live down in the basement cause its warm. Mom do you know how tornados are made? The hot air and the cold air are chasing each other around and around until they make a big windy circle. Its pretty cool mom as long as we are in the basement. I think im going to go take a shower mom but i dont need help because i know how to turn the water on without burning myself." (ed note: he actually does, and while I would not let any five year old do this, apparently he experimented with this without my knowledge and has this skill now) "So this is how i do it mom, i turn on the cold all the way like this (shhhhhhh) and then i just add the hot little by little til its warm enough and then i turn it on. But dont worry mom, i wont get snatched in the shower ok? Mom turnip is awake." (still clinging to the hope that i might at least be able to shut my eyes for five more minutes)He's not crying buddy leave my door open and ill get him in a minute. "oh you gotta get him now mom he is saying mommadat. He wants you" (ok maybe since he just woke up he will snuggle during the shower.....and he stinks and he has stripped off his pajamas, but he is not crying so I can take the smell for five minutes until he starts getting wiggly) "mom you know he cant come into the shower with me because he got clean last night and he stinks and his hair looks really weird" Buddy he is not going to want to be in the shower, he is afraid of the shower. Maybe he will stand there and talk to you but he wont go in. (because clearly turnip is not into the snuggle, ok maybe they will entertain each other in their the door is open, ill just lay here until after.You would think after five solid years of the "few minutes more" NEVER working out, id give up. I never give up.) "MOM, YOU HAVE TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE because one: he got cleaned last night" (do you like the list structure he does now? He actually makes it appropriately sequential one out of four times! Also, note that even norm, in his tender years, does not accept what gill does in the nuclear accident scrub down as a bath) "two: he stinks and three: his hair looks weird." As you can imagine friends, so far, this is not the morning i wanted to have.
Monday, April 02, 2007
le chateau du bovine part deux
So after stealing the hilariously amusing please do not flush the tampon sign out of the bathroom we were on our merry way. (picture of said sign to be forthcoming)Here are the highlights of the trip home.
-We stopped at sheetz for hydration and as we got back into the car, madame fabu says "i cant hold it in anymore, that man (pointing to a guy getting into a truck) just farted while i held the door open for him". The unfortunate gentleman graciously ignored his faux pas, which is more than we can say for senor fabu who laughed out loud and had to walk around the corner because he could not stop laughing. Nice.
-On the ride home, we went through the town of one of Madame Fabus most loathed employees (ok there are several) after she shouted several obscenities to him out the window and had me talked into going to start a fire in his yard (yeah it would have evolved to dog dung, im sorry to say) Gill (who knew this was the case) redirected by joking that we should all go get tattoos. Madame fabu got the brilliant idea of tattooing this person on her ass. I will not go into all the implications of this but suffice it to say this was brilliant.
-somewhere between the loathe employee's city and denny's we realized that a better idea would be to take pictures of all our loathe employees and turn them into iron ons and put them on our underwear. I have no idea why this has not been marketed already. Its brilliant! I can see a whole line of W underwear now! (if i post this will it count as a copyright?)
-all in all it was a fine night and an awesome way to bring in april.
i realize part deux is shorter and i probably could have condensed it to one post but i was so damn tired last night, i was afraid i would not be able to do justice to the underwear idea. Spring is springing friends! as pippa, ash and all my fellow dorkbloggers would say. SQUEEEE!!!!
-We stopped at sheetz for hydration and as we got back into the car, madame fabu says "i cant hold it in anymore, that man (pointing to a guy getting into a truck) just farted while i held the door open for him". The unfortunate gentleman graciously ignored his faux pas, which is more than we can say for senor fabu who laughed out loud and had to walk around the corner because he could not stop laughing. Nice.
-On the ride home, we went through the town of one of Madame Fabus most loathed employees (ok there are several) after she shouted several obscenities to him out the window and had me talked into going to start a fire in his yard (yeah it would have evolved to dog dung, im sorry to say) Gill (who knew this was the case) redirected by joking that we should all go get tattoos. Madame fabu got the brilliant idea of tattooing this person on her ass. I will not go into all the implications of this but suffice it to say this was brilliant.
-somewhere between the loathe employee's city and denny's we realized that a better idea would be to take pictures of all our loathe employees and turn them into iron ons and put them on our underwear. I have no idea why this has not been marketed already. Its brilliant! I can see a whole line of W underwear now! (if i post this will it count as a copyright?)
-all in all it was a fine night and an awesome way to bring in april.
i realize part deux is shorter and i probably could have condensed it to one post but i was so damn tired last night, i was afraid i would not be able to do justice to the underwear idea. Spring is springing friends! as pippa, ash and all my fellow dorkbloggers would say. SQUEEEE!!!!
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Le chateau du bovine
(ok for those fluent i didnt bother to look up gender. april fools ok?)
Yesterday was one of the best days Ive had in a long long time. Spending time with gill and my babies, glorious sleep, work free day, (for the most part) and an evening out with the fabus. An evening with the fabus? delightful to be sure, but not so much out of the norm...oh but friends. This was no ordinary evening. This was a night out in crawford county. Never heard of it? let the story begin.
The plan was for a nice dinner at a new restaurant before attending a benefit for senor fabu's cousin in crawford county. At the aforementioned cowshed. Senor's cousin is suffering from a rare disease that requires her to need a heart and lung transplant. She is only 22 and a truly delightful person (who looks surprisingly like gret). But she is also a good starting point to describe senor's background a bit. Senor Fabu is a great guy. Funny, personable, good natured, and intelligent. He hails from Crawford County. Crawford county is? well...right next door to america so to speak. Senor's family is not too....rural. His parents are your basic middle class folks. His mom is slightly insane (best described by Madame Fabu last night as "all right all right we got the point, put away your axis two already") but mostly they are pleasant folks. His brother is in his twenties, cute funny pleasant kid. A little rough around the edges but likable. Then there is lola. Lola? Is Senor's sister and pretty much pure crawford county. She is 35 years old, married to a man who she hasnt lived with in at least two years, and has a 14 year old daughter who is a teen pregnancy statistic waiting to happen. Lola lives in a trailer (not that there is anything wrong with that) but occasionally moves back with her parents when she gets behind with heating or electricity. (she is fond of the drink) She is completely crazy and terrorizes the entire family with her manipulations. Oh and she has a tendency to date boys in their early twenties. Madame Fabu despises Lola. Ergo we despise her too. After that huge background, i will offer some highlights from the evening.
-Dinner was surprisingly mediocre. Our server was high which would not have been a problem had she been relatively attentive in her state.
-Ordered a delicious bottle of wine. Decided it would have been really funny to order a 100 dollar bottle and when they poured the taste, to spit it across the table and scream that it was swill. Next time....next time.
-Got briefed at dinner about Lola's new boyfriend, who we dubbed "peter pan". A recently unemployed bartender (fired for getting in a fight, which we are sure was a plus for lola) who is not too far past puberty. Fabus were deciding whether to warn him to cut and run now or enjoy the hilarity as it all plays out once again.
- Lovely one hour drive to crawford county. Found out the benefit was being held at "the cowshed" making me regret greatly that i had not brought my camera.
- Got to the benefit only to find that the name of "the cowshed" had been changed to the "stable pit and pub". Happily, it is still home of the two-fisted cocktail.
- Found seats by the beer table (yay!) after greeting the fabu-in-laws. Prepared for a fine night of people watching.
-Tried yuengling for the first time. WOW. (this is a local beer and it ROCKS)
- Entered the drawing for the tv and ipod.
- Gradually realized that the group of middle aged women with the guy in the leather jacket reading "pow-mia" actually turned out to be seven bikers and their women. (does seven indicate a gang? i feared as much)
- Realized a bit more quickly that my proximity to the gang was not really computing with our friends. As evidenced by Madame Fabu (who despite her belief that she was whispering) making funny but disparaging comments about how they should not win prizes they couldnt carry home on their bikes and my favorite "OH MY GOD SHE IS FOLDING UP THE RATTAN TIES. WHO KEEPS THE RATTAN? DID YOU SEE THAT?". Yeah buddy...that really warmed up the table.
- We won the IPOD. It was so exciting. Well technically Gill did because I dont actually know what an Ipod is or does and he actually wanted one.
- The band ROCKED. Porcelein bus driver. How can you not like a band that jumps and has horns?
-The room was ripe with candidates for "there's your boyfriend/girlfriend" (our favorite couple game!) (And gill one with the mullet lady and the midget lady).
- Senor Fabu was extremely focused on winning a generator. You know you are in god's country when the big auction prize is a generator. "Because you know in the suburbs we could lose power for an hour or even more. we need it" (madame fabu was a bit more cynical about the generator)
-Surprisingly they did not draw for the generator until late in the evening. We were hoping the winner had left allowing senor another chance.
-Madame Fabu (who has lived among the crawford country folks and considers herself the jane goodall of crawford county) explained this as "People in these parts dont leave early when a generator is at stake. You never know when the next armageddon is coming".
-Sure enough as soon as the generator was drawn, the room cleared.
ok more on the ride home and our new money making idea later. I slept all day but am still exhausted. Happy April friends!
Yesterday was one of the best days Ive had in a long long time. Spending time with gill and my babies, glorious sleep, work free day, (for the most part) and an evening out with the fabus. An evening with the fabus? delightful to be sure, but not so much out of the norm...oh but friends. This was no ordinary evening. This was a night out in crawford county. Never heard of it? let the story begin.
The plan was for a nice dinner at a new restaurant before attending a benefit for senor fabu's cousin in crawford county. At the aforementioned cowshed. Senor's cousin is suffering from a rare disease that requires her to need a heart and lung transplant. She is only 22 and a truly delightful person (who looks surprisingly like gret). But she is also a good starting point to describe senor's background a bit. Senor Fabu is a great guy. Funny, personable, good natured, and intelligent. He hails from Crawford County. Crawford county is? well...right next door to america so to speak. Senor's family is not too....rural. His parents are your basic middle class folks. His mom is slightly insane (best described by Madame Fabu last night as "all right all right we got the point, put away your axis two already") but mostly they are pleasant folks. His brother is in his twenties, cute funny pleasant kid. A little rough around the edges but likable. Then there is lola. Lola? Is Senor's sister and pretty much pure crawford county. She is 35 years old, married to a man who she hasnt lived with in at least two years, and has a 14 year old daughter who is a teen pregnancy statistic waiting to happen. Lola lives in a trailer (not that there is anything wrong with that) but occasionally moves back with her parents when she gets behind with heating or electricity. (she is fond of the drink) She is completely crazy and terrorizes the entire family with her manipulations. Oh and she has a tendency to date boys in their early twenties. Madame Fabu despises Lola. Ergo we despise her too. After that huge background, i will offer some highlights from the evening.
-Dinner was surprisingly mediocre. Our server was high which would not have been a problem had she been relatively attentive in her state.
-Ordered a delicious bottle of wine. Decided it would have been really funny to order a 100 dollar bottle and when they poured the taste, to spit it across the table and scream that it was swill. Next time....next time.
-Got briefed at dinner about Lola's new boyfriend, who we dubbed "peter pan". A recently unemployed bartender (fired for getting in a fight, which we are sure was a plus for lola) who is not too far past puberty. Fabus were deciding whether to warn him to cut and run now or enjoy the hilarity as it all plays out once again.
- Lovely one hour drive to crawford county. Found out the benefit was being held at "the cowshed" making me regret greatly that i had not brought my camera.
- Got to the benefit only to find that the name of "the cowshed" had been changed to the "stable pit and pub". Happily, it is still home of the two-fisted cocktail.
- Found seats by the beer table (yay!) after greeting the fabu-in-laws. Prepared for a fine night of people watching.
-Tried yuengling for the first time. WOW. (this is a local beer and it ROCKS)
- Entered the drawing for the tv and ipod.
- Gradually realized that the group of middle aged women with the guy in the leather jacket reading "pow-mia" actually turned out to be seven bikers and their women. (does seven indicate a gang? i feared as much)
- Realized a bit more quickly that my proximity to the gang was not really computing with our friends. As evidenced by Madame Fabu (who despite her belief that she was whispering) making funny but disparaging comments about how they should not win prizes they couldnt carry home on their bikes and my favorite "OH MY GOD SHE IS FOLDING UP THE RATTAN TIES. WHO KEEPS THE RATTAN? DID YOU SEE THAT?". Yeah buddy...that really warmed up the table.
- We won the IPOD. It was so exciting. Well technically Gill did because I dont actually know what an Ipod is or does and he actually wanted one.
- The band ROCKED. Porcelein bus driver. How can you not like a band that jumps and has horns?
-The room was ripe with candidates for "there's your boyfriend/girlfriend" (our favorite couple game!) (And gill one with the mullet lady and the midget lady).
- Senor Fabu was extremely focused on winning a generator. You know you are in god's country when the big auction prize is a generator. "Because you know in the suburbs we could lose power for an hour or even more. we need it" (madame fabu was a bit more cynical about the generator)
-Surprisingly they did not draw for the generator until late in the evening. We were hoping the winner had left allowing senor another chance.
-Madame Fabu (who has lived among the crawford country folks and considers herself the jane goodall of crawford county) explained this as "People in these parts dont leave early when a generator is at stake. You never know when the next armageddon is coming".
-Sure enough as soon as the generator was drawn, the room cleared.
ok more on the ride home and our new money making idea later. I slept all day but am still exhausted. Happy April friends!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Why have I not died as a result of my own stupidity?
I lost my keys last night. Normal occurrence for most folks, yes. How i lost them? Is why Im a Dorkblogger During the cabin fever hell yesterday, I went outside and opened the trunk. Put the keys in my pocket when I went back inside. Ok if I forgot about them? That would be fine. But I didnt forget friends. No I did not. Instead I thought no less than six times during the day, "man its a bad idea to leave these keys in my pocket" and then proceeded to ignore myself. I believe I may have even called myself an idiot for letting them be out of place because as we know my tracking/survival skills are not what youd call....refined. Instead, I waited until six o clock at night right before plow guy showed up. I decided to change out of shorts (thinking it might be a little insulting to open the door in shorts to greet a man whod been trekking through snow all day) and remembered the keys. I remembered a huge sense of "OH GOD DO NOT LOSE YOUR KEYS" Then nothing. My domestic goddess gretty (who gets infinite thank yous for digging us out of our chaos today! I LOVE me that gretty!) spent the entire day looking. Seconds after she left, I went into my bedroom and re-enacted putting my pants on. Sure enough, they were under a pile of clothes on the dresser. Because that is where they stopped the second I forgot about them. SOME DAYS I HATE MY BRAIN!!! (AND I LB I THINK I MIGHT NOT JUST BE ANNOYED WITH IT, I THINK I REALLY DO HATE IT) But all's well that ends well....
In other news, Gretty found eggs and Iced Cookie Guy dodged ANOTHER money collection for next week's chinese food at the meeting. The good news is my people have decided to throw an en masse temper tantrum if he tries to eat without paying. A real old-fashioned gang and shame! Ill keep you posted!
Finally a shout out to my blogcrush Trixie who did her very own Thursday Thirteen today! As one of her devoted stalkers? I can tell you it is a delightful read, so go give Trixie a love up ok?
In other news, Gretty found eggs and Iced Cookie Guy dodged ANOTHER money collection for next week's chinese food at the meeting. The good news is my people have decided to throw an en masse temper tantrum if he tries to eat without paying. A real old-fashioned gang and shame! Ill keep you posted!
Finally a shout out to my blogcrush Trixie who did her very own Thursday Thirteen today! As one of her devoted stalkers? I can tell you it is a delightful read, so go give Trixie a love up ok?
Friday, February 02, 2007
a pick me up
I saw a really hot and cool blog tribute today at Host of Seraphim Its a tribute(complete with a really hot picture) to the uber hot trixie from g-love(her husband and author of HOS. so i thought id cheer us up by sending you there and then giving you a little glimpse of what a gill tribute would look like today...in the form of a haiku
Oh Crse. My Crse.
New day. Mortgage still unpaid.
Why must you suck ass?
Oh Crse. My Crse.
New day. Mortgage still unpaid.
Why must you suck ass?
Monday, January 29, 2007
for luckybuzz
Ok our heroine is struggling a bit computer wise so Im going to just tell a little tale that could be told in its own right but will touch the heart and the memory of a certain little surly hippy that sure as hell knew how to seal a deal.
To best tell the story, I will just cut to the point in the evening where one of my friends was referring to a boy i was totally crushed out on (but was WAY too much of a dork to seal the deal on that one) (And could probably write a manual of all the ways I RUINED any chance between us). She was sharing how he had drunkenly approached her in a liquor store last year and kind of scared her. In my infinite dignity and class, I grabbed her arm with drunken eagerness "YOU MEAN HE IS HERE IN TOWN? OH MY GOD YOU THINK HE IS STILL HERE? IS HE LIVING HERE?" And she replies "CRSE. IN A LIQUOR STORE! HE WAS SCARY CRSE!" (as if somehow that would be a deterrant). I did calm down only to share one of my new gems (sort of alarming Im SO SORRY GILL! You know I mean this with love)that comes out in my intoxication whenever someone from my past comes up, I seem to need to hit the person next to me and scream loudly "NOW THATS WHO WOULD HAVE HAD MY VIRGINITY IF I WASNT SUCH AN IDIOT". Yep. Real tasteful. Classy even. Just a little scene setter.
THere are only about seven people in the bar, and soon after, I turned around and there was.....Oh god he needs a name. LB? Another man who I would have GLADLY given my (apparently quite disposable in hindsight) flower to. A man that our own luckybuzz managed to bed rather frequently for quite some time. (Is it a sign of sickness that instead of being envious, i gratefully lived vicariously through her at this point in my life? LB tell me i didnt make you give me graphic details? Even if its not true...) A man that I believed was the epitome of all things hot and cool in the late 80s early 90s.
Ive actually had conversations with the LB man over the years. Awkward strange conversations. He is a friendly guy. Sort of quiet but always kind. And hot. So we go through the usual motions. The hug, the "how are you lets see the kids" (like i said he is...kind). Well you can imagine my surprise when our little exchange turns into a bizarre two hour mostly one sided conversation discussing all of his views on child rearing (he has no children, it was quite interesting), dabbled in issues such as racism and spiritual development wandered into REINCARNATION, and settled into the longest monologue ive ever heard about the success of berry scavenging (and subsequent juicing and canning and jelly making) in extending his mother's longevity. And THEN we wandered into his father's tax issues before his death. Sometimes friends, I play conversation games. I see how many completely non-commital responses i can say in a row without a break. I broke new records last night.
And friends? All I wanted....all i wanted during the whole conversation..was to get lb on the speakerphone and draw her into this bizarro sex fantasy world of my early 20s. And thats what it was. Kind of like superman? turns bizarro right in front of you.
I think the saddest part of this whole post is that had i known this side of him back then? I still would have slept with him. But Im thinking LB wouldnt have....
Thursday, January 25, 2007
coming into my own...
Ok Im still sick but some interesting stuff to share. Sort of...first of all, thanks to Jen I believe I have a new blogging identity. Or circle. Ive struggled with the label "mommyblogger" for a while. I mean I am obviously a mom but I want my blog to be more than that. I want to encapsulate the whole Crse. Well as much as a blog can. Jen asks in her Thursday Thirteen is there a category for "dorkblogger". And you know what? I stand in front of you all proud and naked (well sit in front of you actually, and actually dressed rather dorkily in grey flower pajama bottoms and a maroon hand me down velour shirt from my brother with navy blue socks on my feet) and say "I AM A DORKBLOGGER". Yes. This is me. Is my blog about being a mommy? Being a professional? Being an aging hippy with lost ideals? No my friends. I think we all know what its about. I AM A DORKBLOGGER!!!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
ok so the awkward thing might make a little more sense than i originally thought.
- Went to seventh day adventist calling hours tonight. googled the protocol beforehand. forgot to wear underwear. Stockings fell down in the parking lot.
- There was no line or anything. Mourning family just sat in the front pew. It was very odd.
-Mourning friend/co-worker kept thanking me for coming. Kept wanting to reply "I wouldnt miss this for anything". Seemed completely inappropriate. Wanted to say something from my googling about a long sleep but could not bring myself to do so. Just hugged her awkwardly.
- Had the horrible half-hug not sure what to do with ourselves with my mourning friend's husband. Started to lean in for the hug, he shook my hand, tried to pull me in, I resisted. I patted and leaned in. He shifted away and went to stand for the hug. I backed up. He shifted and sat straighter. We both looked at each other dumbly. Thankfully, Spike arrived shortly after I did and interrupted/ended the awkward stand-off.
-As Im walking to the back of the church, I notice a man from my past. A man who dated a schizophrenic girl befriended by my goofy friend elaine. (a girl who in the middle of a bar one night screamed at the top of her lungs during a break in the band "IM A LESBIAN" then threw herself down on Elaine's lap, but I digress). This man was a cross-dresser who may or may not have had bouts of public nudity and stalked Elaine. He also thought he was a zombie. I did not talk to him.
- I tried to share this with Spike. He politely changed the subject.
- The whole calling hours experience lasted less than fifteen minutes.
Now I understand.
- There was no line or anything. Mourning family just sat in the front pew. It was very odd.
-Mourning friend/co-worker kept thanking me for coming. Kept wanting to reply "I wouldnt miss this for anything". Seemed completely inappropriate. Wanted to say something from my googling about a long sleep but could not bring myself to do so. Just hugged her awkwardly.
- Had the horrible half-hug not sure what to do with ourselves with my mourning friend's husband. Started to lean in for the hug, he shook my hand, tried to pull me in, I resisted. I patted and leaned in. He shifted away and went to stand for the hug. I backed up. He shifted and sat straighter. We both looked at each other dumbly. Thankfully, Spike arrived shortly after I did and interrupted/ended the awkward stand-off.
-As Im walking to the back of the church, I notice a man from my past. A man who dated a schizophrenic girl befriended by my goofy friend elaine. (a girl who in the middle of a bar one night screamed at the top of her lungs during a break in the band "IM A LESBIAN" then threw herself down on Elaine's lap, but I digress). This man was a cross-dresser who may or may not have had bouts of public nudity and stalked Elaine. He also thought he was a zombie. I did not talk to him.
- I tried to share this with Spike. He politely changed the subject.
- The whole calling hours experience lasted less than fifteen minutes.
Now I understand.
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