My baby, My Terrorist Captor or Anatomy of an Ear Infection

• peed on the vanity in my bathroom
• Refused to get dressed, thus forcing me to do the “pin the cat on the hot rock” dance
• Tantrummed all the way to drop Norm off at school
• Tantrummed all the way to sitter
• Had to be pried from arms at sitter
• Was happy for a total of 37 seconds after leaving sitters.
• Stripped off all clothes and ran away giggling maniacally upon return to house
• Threw a plate of chips on the floor in abject disgust
• Played quietly for about five minutes which should have been a big red alarm siren
• Speaking of big and red, came running out of my bedroom giggling as soon as suspicion was smelled.
• Greeted me waving hands covered in bright red paint, “look look”. Look at the bright red paint covering my hands and half my body.
• Ran back into the bedroom before being snatched and thrown into the tub
• Cheerfully offered to “help” as I scrubbed the bath of already dried red paint in a futile attempt to remove trail from rug.
• Yelled “top it” when I collapsed on the floor and begged nobody in particular to just put me inpatient.
• Threw another bowl of chips on the floor in a rage.
• Would not leave my side for the rest of the evening

• Fell asleep at 10pm. Woke up at 1am
• Engaged in an hour long demand ridden play fest of peek-a-boo and pat-a-cake
• Watched Melmo til 4am. Screaming MOM every time my eyes closed
• Finally asked for dad.

I will save my detailed metaphorical description entitled “my baby, my hairshirt” until Ive polished it more.

Please insert "peed on my leg after refusing to put on diaper" right after "threw second of bowl of chips on floor"

The shrieking and the wailing and the tearing out of the hair

- The Turnip has had a double ear infection since tuesday night. Those three words do not begin to describe this experience to you. Its one of those things Im going to look back on and wonder how the hell we lived through it.

- Watched a documentary about the dark side of chimpanzees on the National Geographic on Demand channel. Friends, Im scared. And you should be too.

- Also watched the "Last King of Scotland" on Tuesday night. Interesting movie.

- Can't help but notice the "sick and recovering" Turnip's similarities not only to Idi Amin but also to a band of deranged chimpanzees. Sort of like if you can imagine a delusional vicious power crazed chimpanzee despot who consumes baby monkeys out of pure malice? That would be the turnip these last few days.

- I want to share happy things friends. Right now though, I hear his excellency moving around and I need to go hide in my room right now before Gill notices. He has not been properly traumatized and deserves to pay some damn dues.

Thank you all for the wonderful bloggiversary wishes. Im glad to know and share with all of you!!!

in case you wondered.

-People sometimes wonder why I dont blog more about my job or other areas of my life. Its not that I dont want to, but friends? There are a lot of days when I am driving home thinking, "what the hell happened today?" and I want to share, but then I think ok how would i even begin to explain this day? So I keep reminding myself that the day is over and I can unclench my teeth and turn counselor crse (who maintains a pleasant upbeat demeanor while you are tellng me anything from how your wife is having an internet affair, to how you are worried that your kid has suddenly started shitting all over the toilet) off. Somewhere on that drive home I realize, there is no way i could begin to explain how i got into a staredown with an emotionally disturbed fifth grader (and was gleeful that I won) ended up getting puked on by a two month old baby, spent a great deal of time strategizing with my co-workers about how to avoid the very bad hygiene and smell of a client's friend, dealt with a client's father who makes every conversation with him as productive as galloping through a field of shit, and explained to yet another teacher that when my client is on the floor with his hand down his pants, and bouncing up and down on his stomach, it is NOT a sensory behavior but it IS incredibly inappropriate.

So yeah some days, its much easier and less stressful to blog in the moment. And my biggest concern at this moment is whether the turnip has officially become the poster child for HBS (hateful baby syndrome). I am actually calling the dr tomorrow to see if she will check him out for any physiological causes for his meanness. Now Im falling asleep so goodnight dear friends.

Say it ain't so joe!

Guess who is going back to Fucking St. Mary's for a week? Gretty is so not ready for this. The rest of you? Im calling you all out on full-time entertainment duty. Remember, it takes a village to raise a crse.

apparently im swimming in fetid sewage in my sleep

Because now i have pink eye. On top of everything else.

I dont like vomit.
I dont want to admit how much I dont like vomit.
I wish I didnt know how much I know how much i dont like like vomit.
I hate that I have written vomit four times in this blog and said it many more times today.
I am only slightly less bitter that the vomit in question isnt mine. Especially since I spend way less time with my own vomit as a general rule.
Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. And popsicles.
I think I need you all to know that I am way over vomit.

It was kind of funny watching the er doctor recoil when he saw pepe today. I wanted to introduce them to each other but I was not feeling well enough and didnt want to compromise my pink eye diagnosis.


I found six dollars.
But I forgot to by bread.
Gretty made a nice cream chicken dinner.
I think the six dollars means tomorrow will be better.

and it continues

Well folks, it was the strep. Im now on a lovely anti-biotic for ten days. And my dr. after 8 years of treatment, still believes im capable of consistently remembering to take a pill three times a day for ten days. It would be sweet if it werent so alarming. Still I dont give up. Got the first six down with 24 more to go! Nothing exciting to report beyond the achiness and exhaustion although Ive developed a painful and tickly cough situation. I really have nothing but I will offer you a little snapshot of what r and r at the panflutemaster house is like.

Me sound asleep, at the edge of my conscience i know trouble is coming because i hear little running feet coming closer to my door. In bursts norm. Screaming. "MOM.MY! My....DADDY....IS ....BEING....MEAN....TO....ME!!!!" oh lord here we go. "how is he being mean". "Sob...sob...incoherent scream...COM....PUT...ERRRRR". Im too weak to call Gill, "Its ok buddy...your allowed". Its a crap shoot. Im hoping it workds. "NOOOOOOO (imagine the os going up several octaves) sob....sob...jetix.com....incoherent gasp....COM.PUT. ERRRRRR!!!" I really just want death to come at this point. Thankfully, Gill comes in. "What is his problem?" I ask accusingly. For once Gill is not self-righteously gleeful about whatever domination he has achieved. He is as puzzled as I am. "I just dont know what he wants. Buddy I put on Jetix for you." "NOOOOOOOOO!!!(yep the octaves again)...sob..mumble ...sob mumble. NOT THE TV THE COM.PUT. ERRRRRR!!" I weakly ask Gill just to beat him or something. Anything to make the hurting stop. And I get "THATS. NOT. FUNNY. MOMMY. YOU ARE BEING MEAN!!!!" I say Im sorry and gill carries him out of the room. No sooner do i begin to drift but the door slams open and hits the wall. It can only mean one thing. The turnip. I hear his little darth vader breathing as he toddles over to the bed. I try to fake sleep but he is not interested in me. I hear him grab something and he toddles back out making some sort of maraca noise. As I drift off again, the door is opened in such a manner that I can feel the self-righteousness, so i know it is gill. He slams a bottle on the dresser. "Your son had your prescription. Real nice. You should lock your door if you dont want everyone in here". Except when I lock my door I get Norm outside playing his wiggles guitar "can you hear me mommy? Im playing you a song to make you feel better". Someday Im going to look back on all this and feel sentimental and sweet about it. Today is not that day.

no tt

Well folks, after the incredibly unfortunate (yet strangely fortunate) week Ive had, there will most likely not be a Thursday Thirteen. I feel the strep might be coming to me. Perhaps using leftover anti-biotics was not the best choice. Madame Fabu has bronchitis and Norm has scarlet fever (its not as bad as it seems. apparently it was only bad before anti-biotics) so Im going to bite the bullet and go to the dr.

ohhh so much to tell you friends about my week. a black cat walked in front of my car today on my way to work. I called gret freaking out. She said "well, you didnt hit it so maybe thats a good sign". She said she would call back if she thought of anything to make me feel better. We both decided yesterday that some unknown person put a curse on us (perhaps the server at IHOP who screwed up my order for the fifty third time in two years, who I finally complained about). There is a love-in tomorrow night with some purging and healing. If Im not contagious, hopefully i can get this mojo away from me....

The War on Delaware Avenue

four sick people.
one puker/dry heaver (gill)
one passer-outer/strep throater?/ complete body acher with possible broken hand from passing out (me)
two fevers - (turnip the sobbing sleeper and norm the writhing kicking whiner)

One. Horrible. Day.

adderal why have you forsaken me?

I realize in terms of crises, this is rather low-key, but im in a low-grade state of panic over this one. Its about the damn PAMPERED CHEF PARTY THAT WILL NOT END! (and costs me more with every passing day) I realize the panic is probably because of the Phyllis factor. I lost a 90 dollar check that Lonnie Manko gave Madame Fabu who gave it to me in a simple envelope. Which I lost. Her order is in, and I lost her check. Madame Fabu will be finding this out as she reads this and trust me, everywhere you are telling me to look Madame? Ive already looked. So now I have to make up some sort of fiction for Phyllis explaining that she needs to put Lonnie Manko's order on my credit card because I cannot bear to hear annoyance in her tone one more time. My relationship with phyllis should have never been and it needs to end quickly. And I have to break it to Lonnie Manko that I lost her check. She will most likely be kind but lets face it. Nothing says Im a gold star employee like I lost the check you gave me despite every precaution you took. I dont even know what this means to people who actually balance their checkbooks. I SUCK!!! But so does Phyllis.

EDITED TO ADD: I FOUND THE CHECK. IN YOUR FACE PHYLLIS! It was no small sense of poetic justice I felt when I realized I could send the check to her in her very own self-addressed stamped envelope that she gave me for some other god forsaken task i obviously had no intention of completing....

Stresses

I promise I am going to do my thursday thirteen on gratitude (not so original but very necessary) so I am allowing myself some slashes of stress as it is 4am and Im being kept awake by said stresses. These are in no particular order.

-I hit a deer today. Well, more accurately the deer bounced off my car. It shattered my back driver's side window (where the turnip sits usually, but this happened at work) It could have been SO MUCH worse. So Im multi-stressing on this one, as I cant stop contemplating how bad it could have been for my little turnip (its a feeling of gratitude and horror mixed into one) and I am also stressing because it was 150 dollars that I didnt have. Lonnie Manko thought we could try to get it covered by our place of employ as I was working at the time, so at least I have that to hope for even if it doesnt actually happen. Oh did I mention i only have minimal coverage so nothing was covered by insurance? Which is a nice segue into...

-Money. I dont have any. And christmas is coming. And visions of a disappointed Norm are dancing through my head resulting in periodic cringes. The house payment is overdue. Stupid consumer driven society.

- This pampered chef party that WILL NOT END. Phyllis (the consultant who I seriously think LOATHES me by now, which Im surprisingly ok with because truth be told Im not that fond of her either) is phone stalking me and I am really not looking forward to seeing her to close the show.

- My site meter isnt working and the webmaster guy isnt returning my email. Hey webmaster guy. I may be a freeloader but Im promoting your site on a blog that is read INTERNATIONALLY (which actually invites a little shout out to my intriguing new visitor from brazil! Im glad you are coming back whoever you are! Gracias!)

-Norm is about to come out and yell at me for being out of bed. I just dont want my four year old to yell at me right now. Is that so much to ask?

- Gill-smoke is working friday and saturday. not only is this bad for me because Ill be relatively alone with the monkeys (Although aunt gretty is coming to offer guidance on friday and Madame Fabu is trying to wangle me an invitation to her Friday thanksgiving) but I will also miss him. And not get to sleep in. Poor me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I need to counter this with some gratitude.

- the deer was ok! It was a relief to see that he just scampered off into the woods as if I was just a small obstacle in his mating quest.

-my mechanic (whose name is Tommy Christmas, I am not even joking) referred me to a nice glass place that fixed windows while you wait. The office lady was awesome and it all went way better than I could have hoped. (minus the 150 dollars)

- Aunt Gretty has been doing this nanny/life coach thing for us for the past few weeks and ideally she will be doing it until January. I cant tell you how this has changed my life. She is truly the wife we've always needed in this house.

- Erthy invited me for thanksgiving today! That made me incredibly happy. Which leads me to..

-My thanksgiving should be stress free. Im going to my brother and the bonsai (my sister in law...god i need to fix my blog so I can reference people easier) is cooking. It will be a delightful time unless my brother is being an ass to the bonsai which means I will sit with her mother and apologize for his behavior while they argue. (I tell her we werent raised like this, but looking back, we might as well have been raised by freaking wolves for as much parenting as my mother did so I guess we should doubly count our blessings as the three of us are only neurotic messes as opposed to dangerous blights on society...)

- Madame Fabu and Lonnie Manko were extremely reaffirming and kind about the deer thing even though I was so stunned I went into denial and thought I should just finish working. I also had dark chocolate M&MS which of course make everything better.

Ok Im feeling a bit better.

Slashes of bitching and moaning...

Oh its monday. It hasnt been a terrible monday considering i had to be at a meeting an hour away from my house at 8am. I spent the larger part of the day with Madame Fabu doing what cannot be described any other way than "getting my shit together". It was a lot of fun as my boss Lonnie Manko was there and she tends to add to the hilarity (everytime we get yelled at as a group by other depts. for laughing too loud, Lonnie Manko is right in the middle of it. I love that about her)

- I lost ANOTHER DAMN bank card. I actually lost it a week ago and finally admitted it to myself today.

-Gill is in the process of a significantly pricey root canal. He started it friday and finishes tomorrow. They didnt ask him if he wanted a root canal. They just gave it to him. So I must confess dear readers, we are planning to pull the dental equivalent of a dine and dash. (ive coached him extensively on exactly what to say to not raise suspicion) Actually we will pay but not the hundred and forty eight dollars a month they want. Maybe 40 bucks a month. Maybe not. Here's a little lesson about informed consent mo-foes. And you just lost three dental customers.

- Im all for buying your halloween candy early and often. However, if you are going to do this, dont buy it three freaking months early because we are going to notice how freaking stale it actually is. Also? Dont freeze it in your nasty ice caked freezer. And dont store it next to bananas. Because let me tell you, you might think you are doing something funky with a banana flavored snickers, but banana flavored whoppers are nauseating and make me want to smash your pumpkins. Or your mailbox. Or your windows.

-Also on the halloween front, if you are past puberty and going trick or treating, please put a little more effort in your costume than throwing on a football jersey and saying you are a football player or a plaid shirt and saying you are a lumberjack. Because when you do that, I want to throw a used tissue in your bag and say its a candy bar.

- I think one of my patients actually faked a seizure for attention this weekend. I cant tell anyone on the case because I have no evidence. I do have suspicions though. Lots and lots of suspicions.

- I REALLY need to stop making meals out of candy. But i cannot substitute this by having three real meals and three candy meals like i did today. The madness somehow must end.

- My little e at the bottom of the screen that allows me to launch explorer is gone. I need that little e. My functioning is clearly impaired without it.

Stupidity Squared

Ok, despite dear Gretty's objections, one of my dubious talents is that I am actually a fairly competent liar. (who am i kidding, i scare myself sometimes) My lies are not meant to cause harm. Generally, they are to avoid confrontations, or avoid hurting people's feelings. Today was a little karmic kick in the ass for me. It all started when I made the mistake of promising my father that he would not see my car until i got my tires changed. I wont bore you with the web of lies that sprung from those bold and foolish words, but it ended up with me feigning illness to avoid a birthday party (and avoid of course, my father) and Gill making me promise that he would come home to fresh tires if he kept the lie alive.

I started out so confident. Until I ran into the "oh yer a girl, lets jack this up about twenty bucks a tire" syndrome. I tried gentle readers. The first three places, i tried to maintain the stoic "I am a consumer so you will treat me right". After the scoffing and shaming with me walking out tail between my legs, I bit the bullet and played the "oh heeheehee look at me, Math is hard. I like candy! Oh big strong fatherly man, show me the ways of tires!" card. And damn if it didnt work. Got about a hundred dollars off the prices quoted at the first three places.

Unfortunately, when one attempts to get tire work done at 3pm on a sunday, one generally runs into a wait. I did not anticipate this. So as my new dad/buddy explained it would take several hours but that he promised it would be done before midnight, I realized i was at least two or three miles from home and that my entire family was an hour away. Being the problem solver that I am, (and not having any money and after losing the pencil so I couldnt work on my sudoku which Id brought in anticipation of a wait) I decided to walk home. Friends, overpasses are not hospitable to 36 year old dishevelled and uncoordinated women. Drivers are hostile to the pedestrian on the four lane high way. I say beep and cuss old man. The next time the tables are turned and you fall off the curb into traffic or dump your purse in the middle of the road because you forgot to zip it, may you receive the same. Oh and by the way, isnt there some sort of edict in the methodist church charter saying that if you are playing touch football in the parking lot, you are not allowed to direct your play into the path of a clearly traumatized passerby? On a positive note, I made friends with a little boy who shouted "excuse me" and then proceeded to mumble unintelligibly at me as I politely stood on the edge of the yard yelling "whats that?" his alarmed mother came to the door and explained that he was very friendly and refused to shut her door until I moved on. I thought she wanted to continue the conversation. well...it was just awkward thats all....

It was harrowing but Im alive. And feel duly purged of my sin. Especially when the wal-mart (who sent me away by explaining that the only available tires in my size were apparently solid gold) called telling me i left my checkbook on their counter.

Bitch and Moan Monday (a day late)

It seems like I cannot get through the early part of my week without some sort of grumpiness. Even as I write this I have to remind myself to unclench my teeth. As my chalky little nubs become smaller, I realize sadly, that not only do I grind at night I also grind during the day. Dont get me wrong gentle readers. I do love my job. But it can be very very difficult and some of it requires a sense of self that I may not have developed yet. "But CRSE", you may ask. "You are 36 years old and you look like Quincy Jones. You must have some sense of self." Well yes dear readers I do have some sense of who I am. But on days like today, where it rains from start to finish, and fellows who don't really like me but are for some reason obsessed with me (not in the "I think your really hot and am pretending we are together" way, but in the "Right now, I am limited to examining your work on a daily basis to look for flaws, but if i loose a few more screws, Im going to turn you into a lamp shade" way)invite themselves to my PAMPERED CHEF party (ok granted, I did invite him, but folks, he stared at me until I did. I hemmed and hawed about copying down his address until he COPIED IT HIMSELF). Days like today when the damn principal has the whole team scared to say that two plus two equals four and the secretary meanly tells me that Im not invited to the Thursday's meeting, forcing me ONCE AGAIN (for the third time today) to confront the family that set the meeting which i must do by assuming the role of stalker ex lover who calls your house continually and pretends you still have a relationship. Days like today I just cant muster it up folks. This is exacerbated by a visit to my therapist's tonight where we ended up discussing my mother and her visits to my nightmares and finally coming home to our baby of perpetual dissatisfaction. Folks, I. Feel. Beaten.

sick turnip

this aint the happy post. Turnip has a high fever. We go to the dr at 2. Max is whiny. I just want to go to sleep (with the turnip) (and norm if he'd go...).Instead I will compulsively eat until i get a chance to finish my thursday thirteen.

My job (or) Stay tuned for the happy post

squal·or (skwŏl'ər)
n.
A filthy and wretched condition or quality.

Some days it is very hard to work so closely to So. Much. Pain.

random things that irritate me

Wow this should be my monday theme. Im irritable this evening. its the end of the month which is never fun for me so i think this might be cathartic on several levels.

- the robotic three stooges. Because the original three stooges arent irritating enough.

- the fact that there is no good way to open and close oreos without leaving them flapping in the freaking wind. Do I want to transfer my damn oreos to tupperware? Why? I dont do it for my leftovers. Why would I do it for oreos?

-rude parents of small children. Ok you know what? your kid is NOT THAT CUTE. I WAS JUST BEING POLITE. Instead of answering my inquiry and compliment in a bored irritated tone, you should have a little grace not only for the above reasons, but also because you are making people that you dont even know hate your guts.

-sporks. I fluctuate on this, to be honest. Next week, you could stop by and sporks could be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Today, however, I had a frustrating episode with a spork and they are back on my list.

- people that have no real understanding of the illegal immigrant situation. NEWSFLASH: Illegal immigrants are NOT AFFECTING YOU IN THE MIDWEST OK? They are not taking your jobs. They are not using your resources. In fact, only about twenty five freaking cents of your tax dollars EVERY YEAR goes towards social programs that they could (but might not even) benefit from. You are ALSO NOT AFFECTED BY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT CRIME IN IOWA OK? Look at the freaking census. Even better, I will give you twenty bucks and then you cannot complain about this for the next 80 years all right? Oh and by the way? Just because some yahoo sends you an email that lists the LA Times (without dates of course) as a source, does not mean that it is actually a source. By definition? You should be able to check out a source without having to go through the past fifteen years of a daily newspaper and "News with views?" IS NOT REAL NEWS!!!!

Ok I feel a little purged now. Back to the case notes....

Crikey er... i mean holy crap

Well who would have seen that coming? But despite my underlying feeling that this was darwinism at work (yes I know it was a one in a million shot. yes i know sting ray stings are seldom fatal. yes i know he was filming a segment for the delightfully precocious bindi sue. yes i know i know i know)Im actually feeling strangely sad by this news because although he annoyed the living shit out of me, I think Steve Irwin was trying to do good things for animals.Im a big fan of doing good things for creatures (both human and non-human) that arent pretty and cute. He was good for that. I really admire his work for the creepy crawlies. Because whether we are fans of the creepy crawlies or not...the world really needs its creepy crawlies.

I gotta say though, this is totally not one of these why do bad things happen to good people things for me. I mean its not grizzly man stupid or anything but Ill tell you this. Barring some massive global upheaval that shifts circumstances in my life beyond my worst fears, or some horrible unforeseen tragedy at a zoo or on a sanctioned or guided tour, I can guarantee you that I will not ever be maulled by grizzlies or impaled by a sting ray. (ok I knocked wood after typing that lest the gods of irony decide to have some creepy laugh at my expense) Peace to your soul Mr. Irwin. Peace to your soul....