reality check

So I was working with Madame Fabu last week and one of the secretaries asked me to do her a favor. I was happy to do it, but as I was completing the task, I finally realized why this secretary makes me so uncomfortable. Prolonged eye contact. She stares at me. (No this isnt a girl-crush. She is fairly attractive and the cute ones never like me) She stares at me like I am a bug. I am always subconsciously checking my nose and face. Do I have a hanger on my nose? Am I drooling? Ketchup? WHAT WHAT WHAT!!!!! And the thing that is so troublesome is she is really nice to me. Always has been. She even made this fantastic chili that had no onions or peppers in it for the company chili cook off and we had a lovely talk about it. During the talk, I had a conversation slip and said the word "sex" instead of texas (IT WAS CONTEXTUAL! dont you point that finger at me, random shaming reader!) and while I probably do that a lot(I mumble, talk to fast and am constantly tripping over my words anyway), I. WAS. MORTIFIED. Why? Because she is constantly dissecting me with her eyes.

Perhaps it is not a coincidence that she is related by marriage to another co-worker who also causes me some discomfort. He is a CLOSE TALKER. And he unfortunately has BAD BREATH. Again, dont judge me readers. If we were having meaningful conversations, I could chalk it up to us all getting in touch with our primal natures (you know, a "we are all brothers under the skin and lets not cover it up with perfume or mouthwash" sort of deal) or even feel some sympathy (although we DO have a really good dental plan which takes away at least part of his excuse). However, we are not having meaningful conversations. The man is a black hole of conversation. I used to supervise him. When I turned the case over to another therapist, she had a great deal of trouble differentiating between the patient and this co-worker. When he would stop me by my car after group, my friends would see me stuck with him and call me from their cars faking emergencies just to get me out of the situation.

To make it worse, he has this horrifying verbal tic where he randomly makes this sound during conversations that is almost indescribable. Try to imagine a cow in the midst of an orgasm. Ok? Now imagine hearing that sound every 45 seconds or so during a conversation about the poor quality of schools in his district. Or worse, the boys' swim team and their performance this year. While this doesnt even begin to explain what that experience actually does to a person, I tell you it isnt a pretty thing. Why do I share this dear readers? Because sometimes i need to step back and realize that other people are not having this kind of work day.

I need to do this because I have to believe that between a four year old who needs to shower after every significant bowel movement, a husband who must act out his unresolved oppositional defiant disorder by aggravating said four year old at every turn and lets not forget our buddy nocturnip, that somewhere people are just having peaceful stimulating or at least somewhat sane interactions every day. I need to believe this.

Why not a MeMe?

I stole this from our sacred (and magical) Luckybuzz. I was a bit surprised. Did I get this because Im a mom?

You scored as III - The Empress. The Empress is a maternal symbol. She is the mother figure who loves, nurtures and protects. She will protect you, she will always be there when you are in trouble. When you fall over and graze your knee, the Empress will kiss it better. Yet she is not a weak figure. Her compassion is strength. If her children are threatened she will stop at nothing to protect them. If well aspected in a Tarot spread, the Empress can symbolise security, protection and unconditional love. If badly aspected it can represent over-protectiveness, fear of risk taking and refusal to face the real world. III - The Empress 100% II - The High Priestess 94% XI: Justice 81% XVI: The Tower 81% XIX: The Sun 75% IV - The Emperor 69% VI: The Lovers 69% I - Magician 63% XIII: Death 63% VIII - Strength 56% 0 - The Fool 50% X - Wheel of Fortune 44% XV: The Devil 38% Which Major Arcana Tarot Card Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

random slashes: have we all been reduced to this?

When i made the promise i would match quizzes and MeMes with real posts, I didnt realize i would create such a dry spell for myself! Its not that i dont have stuff to blog about. It just all happens so fast and seems to entail much more of a commitment than I could make to my blog this week. So as I hang my head in shame, I will offer random slashes of amusing, interesting or disturbing things from my week.

- I found a note in my eggs one morning that read "the chicken who laid us had her beak shaved off and her legs broken at birth. Please consider buying eggs from free roaming chickens next time". I actually think this may have been Aunt Gretty and not the eggs themselves.

- On the same note, as Norm and I were grocery shopping, he insisted we make an emergency call to Aunt Gretty because he had trouble believing that orange eggs came from chickens. She explained that "happy chickens lay orange eggs" and that seemed to satisfy him.

- Had lunch with my friend Andy at a place where a woman who has a girl-crush on me waitresses. (Sadly, I completely forget about her until I get in the restaurant and have to deter unwanted attention) Although we did not sit in her section, her longing glances and persistent lingering by our table made for more than one awkward moment during the meal.

-During lunch, Andy described our co-worker's behavior: "That's totally serial murder stuff. That's 'can I have a chunk out of the back of your leg for my woman suit?' behavior".

- During the same lunch, she shared with me the reason she does not like buffets. "Arm hair and dead skin just sloughs off when people reach into the food." She points to a strand of hair in our creamer dish. "Look at that. Not your hair. Not my hair. Arm hair."

- Went to the library to meet a client and sat next to a man who I was afraid dropped dead during our time next to each other. As I did my observation, he sat completely still for almost twenty minutes. It was that awkward do i look and see if he is breathing? Would that be obvious? If he is not, will I need to start CPR? I dont have my refresher course til december, will I remember the steps? I have a five o clock appointment, will I be late if I have to give the guy CPR? If he is already dead, I really dont want to be sucking his mouth. Happily, he was not dead at all. And as a side note, while we did not acknowledge each other during our time next to each other, as he walked out he gave me a huge smile and we waved to each other. All in all, it was a very uplifting ending!

- COMPLETELY embarrassed myself in front of a team of professionals during a meeting, but kept on going because I decided I would seriously lose face if I admitted my embarrassment.

Well thats all I have for now. Just wanted my beloved readers to know I am still here!

Vote Early and Vote Often

Ok because I did a little inappropriate comment blogging on my dearest Pippa's blog, I gotta put this out there. I have a confession dear readers. I. Love. Election Season. I love it. I love it. I love it. I think Im an election geek. I think my friends have read enough to gather my leanings but I do try to keep the politics out of my blog just because random people who are not regular commentors are more likely to log on and say stupid illogical and wrong things on my blog and that annoys me. My blog is not here to echo fox news soundbites provide a place for stupid rants. Having said that, let me just tell you once again, I love this season! No matter what the political climate, its such an exciting time.

I was just telling Pippa that I think I might have spent my last incarnation in a fascist state because after 18 years of having the right to vote, I still get a kick out voting!I dont know if its because I have an incredibly large ego and it seems so obvious that my opinion really matters (ok i admit, i also call in those numbers on receipts because frankly, i think the folks at valvoline really DO care about what I think). I research this stuff for weeks and start watching and reading my various sources to make my choices. It just occurred to me that voting is my version of a fantasy football draft!

Im not so naive to think that there is not corruption. I know all about the illusion of the two party system. But damn it, this is still America. If the past ten years have taught us anything, its that ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. Ok I still need to blog about my day so Ill end my rant now.

Edited to Add: My friend Molly texted to me today to tell me she was extremely excited because she voted for the first time this afternoon. I asked her what she thought. She said "It was awesome. Just like ordering at sheetz, without getting the biscuit at the end!" And that folks, is democracy in action.

Slashes of bitching and moaning...

Oh its monday. It hasnt been a terrible monday considering i had to be at a meeting an hour away from my house at 8am. I spent the larger part of the day with Madame Fabu doing what cannot be described any other way than "getting my shit together". It was a lot of fun as my boss Lonnie Manko was there and she tends to add to the hilarity (everytime we get yelled at as a group by other depts. for laughing too loud, Lonnie Manko is right in the middle of it. I love that about her)

- I lost ANOTHER DAMN bank card. I actually lost it a week ago and finally admitted it to myself today.

-Gill is in the process of a significantly pricey root canal. He started it friday and finishes tomorrow. They didnt ask him if he wanted a root canal. They just gave it to him. So I must confess dear readers, we are planning to pull the dental equivalent of a dine and dash. (ive coached him extensively on exactly what to say to not raise suspicion) Actually we will pay but not the hundred and forty eight dollars a month they want. Maybe 40 bucks a month. Maybe not. Here's a little lesson about informed consent mo-foes. And you just lost three dental customers.

- Im all for buying your halloween candy early and often. However, if you are going to do this, dont buy it three freaking months early because we are going to notice how freaking stale it actually is. Also? Dont freeze it in your nasty ice caked freezer. And dont store it next to bananas. Because let me tell you, you might think you are doing something funky with a banana flavored snickers, but banana flavored whoppers are nauseating and make me want to smash your pumpkins. Or your mailbox. Or your windows.

-Also on the halloween front, if you are past puberty and going trick or treating, please put a little more effort in your costume than throwing on a football jersey and saying you are a football player or a plaid shirt and saying you are a lumberjack. Because when you do that, I want to throw a used tissue in your bag and say its a candy bar.

- I think one of my patients actually faked a seizure for attention this weekend. I cant tell anyone on the case because I have no evidence. I do have suspicions though. Lots and lots of suspicions.

- I REALLY need to stop making meals out of candy. But i cannot substitute this by having three real meals and three candy meals like i did today. The madness somehow must end.

- My little e at the bottom of the screen that allows me to launch explorer is gone. I need that little e. My functioning is clearly impaired without it.

Stupidity Squared

Ok, despite dear Gretty's objections, one of my dubious talents is that I am actually a fairly competent liar. (who am i kidding, i scare myself sometimes) My lies are not meant to cause harm. Generally, they are to avoid confrontations, or avoid hurting people's feelings. Today was a little karmic kick in the ass for me. It all started when I made the mistake of promising my father that he would not see my car until i got my tires changed. I wont bore you with the web of lies that sprung from those bold and foolish words, but it ended up with me feigning illness to avoid a birthday party (and avoid of course, my father) and Gill making me promise that he would come home to fresh tires if he kept the lie alive.

I started out so confident. Until I ran into the "oh yer a girl, lets jack this up about twenty bucks a tire" syndrome. I tried gentle readers. The first three places, i tried to maintain the stoic "I am a consumer so you will treat me right". After the scoffing and shaming with me walking out tail between my legs, I bit the bullet and played the "oh heeheehee look at me, Math is hard. I like candy! Oh big strong fatherly man, show me the ways of tires!" card. And damn if it didnt work. Got about a hundred dollars off the prices quoted at the first three places.

Unfortunately, when one attempts to get tire work done at 3pm on a sunday, one generally runs into a wait. I did not anticipate this. So as my new dad/buddy explained it would take several hours but that he promised it would be done before midnight, I realized i was at least two or three miles from home and that my entire family was an hour away. Being the problem solver that I am, (and not having any money and after losing the pencil so I couldnt work on my sudoku which Id brought in anticipation of a wait) I decided to walk home. Friends, overpasses are not hospitable to 36 year old dishevelled and uncoordinated women. Drivers are hostile to the pedestrian on the four lane high way. I say beep and cuss old man. The next time the tables are turned and you fall off the curb into traffic or dump your purse in the middle of the road because you forgot to zip it, may you receive the same. Oh and by the way, isnt there some sort of edict in the methodist church charter saying that if you are playing touch football in the parking lot, you are not allowed to direct your play into the path of a clearly traumatized passerby? On a positive note, I made friends with a little boy who shouted "excuse me" and then proceeded to mumble unintelligibly at me as I politely stood on the edge of the yard yelling "whats that?" his alarmed mother came to the door and explained that he was very friendly and refused to shut her door until I moved on. I thought she wanted to continue the conversation. well...it was just awkward thats all....

It was harrowing but Im alive. And feel duly purged of my sin. Especially when the wal-mart (who sent me away by explaining that the only available tires in my size were apparently solid gold) called telling me i left my checkbook on their counter.

Another Jesse MeMe

Because my blog also has deteriorated into us all asking ourselves "how much do we actually need to know about CRSE?" I am doing this Jesse MeMe. I am making a personal resolution to balance every MeMe or internet quiz with an actual post. Bear in mind my other personal resolutions include managing my money better, maintaining an effective exercise program, sticking to a vitamin regimen, being more punctual and cleaning up after myself more regularly so dont get your hopes up.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Experienced daylight at 11pm
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea - from the shore
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

you want the truth?

Ok because I have a pampered chef party that starts in 7 hours. Because my turnip is a grumpy little bitch this morning. Because my fans have clamored. Be ready. The lies are: (drum roll please)

#4. Gill and I met in a strange twist o fate kind of way that did not involve advertising, but did involve LB and Erthy and many other people and their paths crossing by chance.

#6 The crush is actually on Tom Brokaw.

#11 I. love. dogs!

Stories for other items available upon request.

Dont feel bad friends. I AM that good of a liar.

Thursday thirteen

Hey I think Im going to be early again! Why? because Im stealing Jen's idea from last week. It is 10 truths and 3 lies. See if you can pick them out.

Thirteen Things . Ten that are true and three that are lies. 1. I woke up from a nap on Friday and found Norm (my four year old) sitting on my legs completely naked watching tv and eating cornchips. 2. I have an abnormally small mouth that makes it difficult to eat certain things. 3. I know how to play every Eagles song from the album on the flute (Ash, you are not allowed to answer that one!) 4. I met my husband by answering an ad in the personals. 5. I have a neurotic fear of birds. 6. I have a strange and inexplicable crush on Ted Koppel. 7. Im allergic to bleach. 8. When I was very young, I had a condition where I had to put special lotion on and remain in the shade for a half hour before going into the sun. My parents told me it was because I was “allergic to the sun”. 9. Once I went trick or treating dressed as a pancake. 10. One of the most awkward moments of my life occurred when I accidentally wandered into the men’s locker room of a mosque. 11. I secretly loathe dogs. I can’t stand them. 12. I had a guy fall into my window and shatter it while I was sound asleep in a basement apartment once. 13. I really don’t mind the smell of skunk. Links to other Thursday Thirteens or at least people who have fun and interesting blogs whether they TTed this week or not! Did You Ever Get The Feeling? The Knut Hut Using My Powers For Good Lil Duck Duck Snarkypants Ash In Wonderland

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!


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GillMeme

What kind of wife doesnt steal her own spouse's MeMe? Its a little out there but if you know Gill-Smoke then this will not surprise you.

1. What did you dream last night? I dreamt about my grammy. I was due. I dreamt she was there and I somehow knew I wouldnt be able to hug her because it was a dream but I tried to anyway, but she stopped me and said, she didnt know what would happen because she thought her insides might have been gnawed out. For some reason we both giggled. I was crying because i was so happy to see her. I asked her how it was on the other side and she said it was "cool". The dream made me so happy.

2. What image or symbol represents the absolute of your desires? The beloved tree sloth

3. In what ways has your fate been affected by invisible forces you don't understand or are barely aware of? Meet my husband Gill-smoke. Finding him was PURE FATE.

4. Tell a good lie. Well Norm, we cant go to the water part of the amusement park because its closed. Those kids are walking around with towels because they took showers in the boys room because they were so hot. We cant go in the boys room because daddy isnt here.

5. What were the circumstances in which you were most dangerously alive? Living on the mountain.

6. Are you a good listener? If so, describe how you listen. If not, explain why not. I Yes thats why I get paid the big bucks. I try to listen without judgment and with empathy

7. Compose an exciting prayer in w hich you ask for something you're not supposed to. Sweet baby jesus all wrapped up in your gold fleece diaper, please smite my enemies by causing them to pee their own pants whenever they dont listen to my advice. Oh baby jesus all snug in your manger watching baby einstein shapes learning about shapes and colors, please curse that lady who spelled her kid's name all stupid that makes me want to point and laugh him. Make others point and laugh at her like I point and laugh unto her kid.

8. What's the difference between right and wrong? My opinions obviously

9. Name something you've done to undo, subvert, or neutralize the Battle of the Sexes. My wife and I have non standard gender roles.

10. Have you ever witnessed a child being born? If so, describe how it changed you. No I couldnt see anything. It was pretty damn intense though.

11. Compose a beautiful blasphemy that makes you feel like crying.
I had to think about this. I ended up crying in my therapist's office because my sweetest friend's dog died. And I was crying because my friend is so beautiful and because I love that she is my family and that seemed a beautifully blasphemous outburst for my therapy session.

12. What do you do to make people like you? I pay them

13. If you're not familiar with the Jungian concept of the "shadow," find out about it. If you are, good. In either case, give a description of the nature of your personal shadow. "the black. it represents my mother".

14. Talk about three of your most interesting personalities. Give each one a name and a power animal. Well first there is Hank. His power animal would probably be a swine. He is a male chauvinist 50s husband who expects to be waited on hand and foot. He is a pig, but he does love his spouse. Then there is Carl Wheezer. His power animal is a llama. He has many fears and neuroses. He is generally a pushover and a hypochondriac. Finally, there is Crse. A confused and dishevelled spider monkey who is entertaining and chaotic but will often surprise the masses with spasms of common sense and wisdom here and there.

15. Make up a dream in which you lose control and thereby attract a crowd of worshipers. The lies I tell Norm eventually escalate into fundamental belief systems for four year olds everywhere. Soon I have a cult on my hands yet they are all four years old so I cant even cash in on them.

16. Name your greatest unnecessary taboo and how you would violate it if it didn't hurt anyone. Ohhh... I mustnt speak of it...its too taboo...

17. Give an example of how smart you are in the way you love. I can only point to my family (stealing this from gill but adding) and my friends.

18. What ignorance do you deserve to be forgiven for? Ignoring the suffering of the people around me (going with gill's here too)

19. What was the pain that healed you the most? Having a horrible mom then becoming a mom myself.

20. Make a prediction about yourself. I predict I will be eating halloween candy within the next half hour.

Summary Dashes of Stupidity

Does anyone remember that saturday night live skit that spoofed a jeans ad called "bad idea" jeans? It had the male cast members standing around wearing jeans saying things like "Yeah my buddy just got out of rehab. Im sure he kicked the heroin for good this time so Im going to let him move in with me". And "Yeah I normally wear condoms but i thought what the hell, when am I gonna be in Bangkok again?" I usually feel that I could be a part of that commercial on any given day. I have to say though, this weekend was spectacular in the amount of bad ideas I could generate all at once. Im pretty tired tonight but I am gonna dash a few of my really bad ideas off for you, patient readers. Im going to stop short of explaining them and let you draw your own conclusions:

- (this one is really almost every time I leave the house) Forgot to ask Norm to see if he had to go to the bathroom before a two hour car trip after allowing him to drink three glasses of lemonade.

-Picking a costume for the turnip with lots of shiny dangly loose parts.

- Deciding at the last minute that the turnip could possibly end up eating the costume he was going to wear and dragging the entire family to target two and a half hours before trick or treat at my brother's (who incidentally lives about an hour and a half away) passing up no less than three places advertising discount costumes so I could pay 19.95 for a tigger costume that is clearly too tight around his middle and makes him look more like garfield than tigger. (still cute though)

- Telling Gill he could take the stroller and continue trick or treating with norm so I could carry the turnip for a block back to my brother's house. Except the turnip didnt really cotton to the idea of being carried....

- Being 45 minutes away from finishing my entire months worth of paperwork on FRIDAY and procrastinating the final touches till 3am this morning because I WANTED TO BUILD UP MY SPIDER SOLITAIRE WINS!

- Deciding at 3am that perhaps I shouldnt drive to the next state to turn it into the drop box, choosing instead to wait till morning take the kids to said state and back to town for an 11 o clock drs. appt. (a little shout out to madame fabu for making that easier than I deserve).

- Calling the drs office and telling them id be five minutes late in case they wanted to reschedule (insert a WTF here with who cancels you over FIVE MINUTES? BASTARDS!).

- Deciding to take the kids to the library after being stuck in the car for two solid hours (minus the numerous norm peeing on the side of the road stops)the last half hour involving the turnip SCREAMING inconsolably from the back seat.

ok i could continue but im exhausted. And I owe gill the MeMe. Hey I just realized its bitch and moan monday! I didnt even remember that when I started the post!

Shout out

Ok Gill-smoke is doing his first MeMe. Please go see it! Im very excited for him. Its a tough one and Im going to do it too once I get my crap together. Anyway, he promised not to go to bed till he is finished and its posted....

In case you just cant get enough of MeME!

Ok let me retrace the path of this one. First seen at my darlin' Luckybuzz's place who apparently found it at the splendid blog of Canada who got it from my aforementioned newest blogtastic object of stalking Nancycle. Phew! Thats a lot of referencing! But hey this is my reward for a particularly gruelling day of note-writing.

Explain what ended your last relationship? Um. I kind of moved without telling him. (why does this keep coming up lately?)


When was the last time you shaved? Uh september? im growing my winter beard. (no seriously two days ago and im going to go do that when im done.)


What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? Giggling with my kids in bed.

What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Reading Luckybuzz's blog.

Are you any good at math? I agree with Nancycle. Math can be a beautiful thing. When i took stats in grad school i was so proud of myself, i used to try to get gill to come watch me do problems.

Your prom night, what do you remember about it? Puking horribly with the flu. Karma from turning down a boy who I didnt like by saying I was going out of town.

Do you have any famous ancestors? No but my great great grandmother was apparently some shawnee of importance.

Have you had to take a loan out for school? Funny you should mention that. They're calling me as i write this. Stupid defaulting laws...

Do you know the words to the song on your MySpace profile? I dont even understand this question.

Last thing received in the mail? I didnt look at the rest of the stuff but i got my new pin number for my bank card! yay!

How many different beverages have you had today? Five.

Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine? What a timely meme. I was just the object of a message intervention last night when everyone in my supervision group (led by Madame Fabu, who organized a phone comparison to investigate the problem) about my inaudible and giggly messages.

Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? The michael stanley band. If you are not from the midwest, you probably have no idea. All i can say is "thank god for the man who put the white lines on the highway"

Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? I do.

What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had? Im not going there.

What is out your back door? my back yard.

Any plans for Friday night? Dinner with my wimmin (yay!) more note writing (boo hiss) Spider solitaire (shameful blush)

Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? yes.

Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Are you looking for gift ideas for me? Popcorn is always a delightful gift.

Have you ever been to a planetarium? I heart the planetarium.

Do you re-use towels after you shower? Yes and I cant understand why this is gross. You are CLEAN when you get out. The towel cant possibly be any worse afterwards!


Some things you are excited about? Dinner with my wimmin. Trick or treating at bonzais on sunday. And Tuesday. Mini Fabus birthday party and subsequent crsemas parade. Crsemas season.

What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Ah i dont really care as long as there is vodka or whisky in it.

Describe your keychain(s)? Well again, how timely. My keys are actually attached to a small green terrycloth bag that says "happiest in the hamptons" (no ive never been nor had any desire to be in the hamptons) that i keep my money card, my license and various odds and ends in so i dont lose them. And now my keychain also consists of the ELECTRIC START REMOTE for my pimpin' new buick.

Where do you keep your change? See bag above.

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? either every week or the july before last depending on your definition of large group.

What was the weather like on your graduation day? hot and sunny all three times.

Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Closed. More time to call 911. If Gill was not sleeping with the turnip and me with Norm it would be open. But I prefer closed. Plus it keeps it darker.


What kind of winter coat do you own? I dont yet....

thursday thirteen a day late and stolen

This idea was an emergency rip off from the esteemed Snarkypants. Thanks Lisa for bailing me out this week! I gotta admit though after writing it, the post is kind of boring. Lisa's life is more exciting than mine!

Thirteen Things I do everyday (or most days anyway) 1. Wake up (thankfully and obviously) 2. Tend to the little spider monkeys. 3. Accidentally call Belleria restaurant between three and five times a day because they are the first listing in my phone book after I had to replace my friend Andy’s number because she kept getting long ass messages when I dialed her in my pocket and would call me back panicked thinking I was locked in a trunk somewhere. 4. Take about 16 ibuprofen for what appears to be my teeth grinding problem. 5. Check my email group for word from my wimmin. 6. Read my blogs. (most of the time). 7. Do my site routine of CNN, court tv, the jewish world review (oy vey) and Internet Movie Database movie and studio news. (I do hate CNN but have not found another good news option. Any suggestions out there?) 8. Support and maintain our household identity as the “house of a million kisses and I love yous”. 9. Obsessively call Gill-smoke to make sure he does not forget to pick up the children. (You think Im being naggy and neurotic? LAST WEDNESDAY I called to make sure they were on their way to swim class? Gill is like “no we are eating dinner.” When I said “its WEDNESDAY?” he said, “so? You didn’t remind me.” And I had to give him that) 10. The very minimal grooming of washing down, putting on deodorant and brushing my teeth with my AWESOME toothbrush. (most days I shower too, but we are talking EVERY day, I need to be honest) 11. Obsess about our financial situation. 12. Feed my birds. 13. Say some prayer to God involving thank yous and requests for loved one safety and healthiness. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! Did You Ever Get The Feeling? The Knut Hut Using My Powers For Good Lil Duck Duck Snarkypants Ash In Wonderland

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weird MeMe!

This is why I try to pick gracious people to stalk....once the ever so solicitious Pippajo realized I was going to steal the MeMe anyway, she tagged me! You Pippa, are a queen among women.

Nine Weird Things About Me

Now I will preface these by apologizing if some of this is old news for you folks. When your life is an open book, it can be hard to generate fresh stuff. Fortunately, I think i might be weird enough to have completely new material on this MeMe.

1. I have a secret crush on my pharmacist (sorry you had to find out this way gill)

2. I really liked never having to go into labor.

3. I have had an abnormally large number of girl stalkers. In grad school I had three at once. In fact, there is a woman at work who I know has a girl crush on me (and this sends my bosses into fits of giggles, which strangely does not offend me)

4. I forget to comb my hair more days than i care to admit.

5. I have a fifties style bonnet hair dryer that is next to my couch and on cold evenings I love to take a shower and dry my hair under it. Its ugly as hell and it damages the crap out of my hair but its so damn comfy!



6. I cant stand having my back to doors. Im worried someone is going to come in and shoot me before I can stop them.

7. I refused to write with a pencil for most of my adult life.

8. I have a SERIOUS phobia about calling people on the phone. Strangely its worst with my closest friends. I am terrified Im going to be interrupting something and they wont want to be my friend anymore.

9. I hate eating salads, not because I dont like the taste of them, but because it seems so hard to grapple with the lettuce and the toppings.

Ok if you read this TAG you are it!

not that bitchy and moany...

Ok a few items to actually blog about. As referred to in the Me Me, The turnip got a Very Bad Haircut. We cut his bangs (I blame Gill-smoke. He has been pressuring/threatening a crew cut for a while). Norm thinks he looks like our little cousin (who actually turned four today). So every time the Turnip crawls up, Norm says "hi megan. what is it megan?" which i know i should not find hilarious but I do. (I mean I do love Megan but her haircut is a little....bad) (As Luckybuzz might remember, Megan is Larry's daughter which ideally will enhance her enjoyment of this anecdote)

The other thing. One of the rough parts of being a therapist is putting personal beliefs aside. Some times are easier than others. If I know Im going to a fundamental praise the lord and pass the ammunition household, I prep myself accordingly and smile and nod at appropriate times. Today however, I was in the household of a family I truly love (I actually love most of my families as quirky as they are) and the phone rang. It was the republican party. Im waiting for the sarcastically witty comeback from Mom. No comeback. THEY ARE REPUBLICAN!!!! The room went black and I have no recall of the next few moments. Apparently I kept composure because nothing seemed amiss when I recovered. However, all night long, Ive been struggling. How do intelligent kind witty good decent people end up being republican without me even knowing it? Dont get me wrong my beloved blogorepublicans. My dearest brother is a republican. He is intelligent kind witty good and decent. BUT OBVIOUSLY AND BLATANTLY REPUBLICAN! How did i miss this? Ack...i just cant say anymore...

A new Me Me

Courtesy of my newest object of blogstalking, the effervescently entertaining Nancycle


DO YOU SNORE? When Im sick i do.

· ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER? Im a bleeder.

· WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR? I dare not speak its name.

· AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC? No. I found them disturbing in that you really couldnt build anything else.

· WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY” TV? It stresses me out – usually people are portrayed very poorly, it makes me uncomfortable to watch it. Generally what I've seen is people's real emotions being exploited for ratings - it sickens me. (This is direct from Nancycle. I couldnt have said it better myself)


· DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? No. And it grosses me out when grown ups do.

· WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? I was a gorgeous baby. Good genetics. WHat can I say?

· IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? Sigh....too late for that.

· WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD? Black.

· DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? Yes.

· HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? No and probably can live my life without needing to do that.

· ANY SECRET TALENTS? I have many secret talents.

· WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? The ocean.

· CAN YOU SWIM? Lets put it this way. I can not drown.

· HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO? I own it. GREAT MOVIE

· DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE? Well yes. I dont bike to work or anything but i dont want my children to suffocate in toxicity either.

· HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? If I ever met a person who could actually do the licking...well...i think theyd be a pretty fun date...

· CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? No.

· DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER? Electric pencil sharpeners are amazing.

· WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? As a stalker I think I really dont have a right to speak on this...

· IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? My past. My present. My future.

· DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes. I want to marry it.

· WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? the environment.

· WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU” ? About a half hour ago to Gill-smoke as I was examining the turnip's Very Bad Haircut that we gave him jointly.

· DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? Depends on if I like the people getting married.

· HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? unfertilized.

· ARE BLONDES DUMB? Not any dumber than brunettes or red-heads or grey haired folks or bald people. People in general can be very dumb, regardless of hair color.

· WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? In the sock lemonade. Duh.

· WHAT TIME IS IT? 7:52pm

· DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? Johnny.

· IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING? Are you kidding? I mclove the crap out of it.

· WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR? About an hour ago.

· DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? If the bathtub is truly luxurious, a bath, otherwise a shower.

· IS SANTA CLAUS REAL? If he is, he has screwed me over badly for the past several years.

· DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED? Sure

· ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? no. Im afraid of what is in the dark.

· WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? Crystal meth er spider solitaire.

· CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? Crunchy

· CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK? No.

· HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? No.

· IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? If I wanted to wander around unable to accomplish anything in a neurotic mass of anxiety, sure.

· ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER? Not at all.

· WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Brown

· DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? Well..in theory yes.

· ARE YOU PSYCHIC? Well Im intuitive.

· HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE? Yes i like Salinger a lot.

· DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? hehehe

· HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY? Only from my brothers. They knew and stole from me as well.

· CAN YOU SNOWBOARD? Ick.

· DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? Are my friends who know better on the floor laughing?

· DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH? No.

· DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? Very much so.

· ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND? What man? What dog?

· YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? Moreso than santa claus

· CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? Yes in fact.

· DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES? Countless.

· IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY? Yes.

· WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Toasted ravioli from market day.

· DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH? In theory.

· HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW? Three. And one half.


· WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? The one for the mail away e-bay lesson. Where the guy chuckles and says, I cant promise you will make a million dollars selling baseball cards from the attic. ANd then chuckles again. I find that second chuckle so condescending I cant stand it.

· DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? No but based on the labels from my brother's hand me downs, I wear their merchandise anyway.

· FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT? I dont like candy corn

this aint no thursday thirteen

As a parent, you know many moments of powerlessness regarding your children. Im used to the poignant ones. Today I had my first experience with another type of powerless moment. Being behind a glass wall at swim class with a row of parents watching Norm standing in full view of everyone, slowly and deliberately picking his butt. For like two solid minutes. You think "two minutes? ha, thats not so long!" but look at your clock now. Ok now imagine yourself being stabbed with a needle continuously for the next two minutes.....see what I mean? You just dont see those moments in the parent books.

Ok since we are on the topic of disturbing things involving my children, let me throw this out there for my lovely blogosphere friends. Norm has been obsessed with the idea of getting a big sister lately. Its all he talks about. For some insanely stupid reason, I told him that we are considering adopting an older child at some point in life. (something we've always talked about) To explain why we arent doing it now, we explained that we dont have the money. So now he thinks that when we get the money we are going to "buy" a big sister. Ive had a sense of low-grade anxiety about this for a while but today he brought home a piece of art from day-care that showed a depiction of him in a hot air balloon and guess who was with him....you got it...big sister. I remember wanting a sister very badly when i was little and growing out of it. But Im still sort of alarmed by all of this. Am I over-reacting?

well sheesh

Borrowed from my most favorite entertainment system of all time Luckybuzz


Move one time to break up with a guy to avoid a confrontation and suddenly people cast words like "brutal" around....

The Sudden Departure Random Brutal Love Master (RBLMf) Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure. You've been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you're a really fantastic girl who doesn't really know what she wants, and you've broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you're there, either boredom or the old "grass is greener" syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries. Your exact opposite: The Intern Deliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer We know you're not the classic "love 'em and leave 'em" type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you're theoretically looking to settle down, you don't settle long on one person. "Serial monogamist" is probably something you hear a lot. "Emotionally loose" is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn't really make much difference. Of course, it's not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose. ALWAYS AVOID: The Backrubber, The Gentleman CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail, someone just like you Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

Bitch and Moan Monday (a day late)

It seems like I cannot get through the early part of my week without some sort of grumpiness. Even as I write this I have to remind myself to unclench my teeth. As my chalky little nubs become smaller, I realize sadly, that not only do I grind at night I also grind during the day. Dont get me wrong gentle readers. I do love my job. But it can be very very difficult and some of it requires a sense of self that I may not have developed yet. "But CRSE", you may ask. "You are 36 years old and you look like Quincy Jones. You must have some sense of self." Well yes dear readers I do have some sense of who I am. But on days like today, where it rains from start to finish, and fellows who don't really like me but are for some reason obsessed with me (not in the "I think your really hot and am pretending we are together" way, but in the "Right now, I am limited to examining your work on a daily basis to look for flaws, but if i loose a few more screws, Im going to turn you into a lamp shade" way)invite themselves to my PAMPERED CHEF party (ok granted, I did invite him, but folks, he stared at me until I did. I hemmed and hawed about copying down his address until he COPIED IT HIMSELF). Days like today when the damn principal has the whole team scared to say that two plus two equals four and the secretary meanly tells me that Im not invited to the Thursday's meeting, forcing me ONCE AGAIN (for the third time today) to confront the family that set the meeting which i must do by assuming the role of stalker ex lover who calls your house continually and pretends you still have a relationship. Days like today I just cant muster it up folks. This is exacerbated by a visit to my therapist's tonight where we ended up discussing my mother and her visits to my nightmares and finally coming home to our baby of perpetual dissatisfaction. Folks, I. Feel. Beaten.