Well friends, it is Monday morning, 730. I did not interact with anyone this weekend except my boys and gretty. (well I did some texting and actually cleared up a small problem but Im not counting that) I slept a whole. freaking. lot. I threw myself head first into the world of facebook. My heart does not feel so battered this morning although I still do not want to face the world at all yet.
But Ive been thinking a lot about the past week and what I've learned. This actually comes directly from the delightfully thought-provoking ms. trix who, in her myquestion section yesterday asked "what have you learned so far today?" Im not sure I answered but I did sit there for a long time trying to think about what i'd learned in the hour and a half I was awake. I learned we were completely out of cheese slices and that the toilet paper was dangerously low. I learned that my theory about my side of the bed being crippling was correct. I learned that if you take very cold waffles and dip them in syrup they will taste disgusting. Being that the first answer to her question was much more profound, I didn't think any of those would be suitable.
But the "what have I learned?" thought spurred me to think about the week. During the week, I kept thinking "what is my lesson here?" and all I could come up with was "trust no-one. People completely suck." Around 4am this morning, I woke up (well because Id slept for about 18 of the past 24 hours) with a line from Muppets take Manhatten stuck in my head. (For the record, my favorite of their work is Great Muppet Caper) It's Pete the restaurantier saying to Kermit (courtesy of IMDB) "Peoples is peoples. No is buildings. Is tomatoes, huh? Is peoples, is dancing, is music, is potatoes. So, peoples is peoples. Okay?" Know what I mean?
And I started thinking about how in my life, people have consistently inflicted upon me different levels of the same hurts they had at one time or another described as wounding them. I don't think it's just me. And Im not entirely sure it's conscious. Im not just talking about the asswipe division of humanity, but they are included. So why is our mistreatment of others almost exactly what we hurt us the most? I don't mean all the time. Im personally trying to look back and see where this applies in my life. Needless to say, I am currently lacking the insight to identify this in myself right now. Ill be quizzing Gill about this later (and RT friends feel free to jump in if you have seen me do this. I really do want the insight). Im not saying I havent been crappy to other people, but when I think back on my crappiness, its generally not stuff that wounded me to the quick when it happened to me. Anyway, I just noticed a trend.
I remember my mother telling us (in one of the few sane moments before she transitioned from just being a crappy mother to being a malicious bitch) that if she ever became like her father, she wanted us to tell her. When we did try to tell her, post transition, she would not hear it. Granted, she does fall into the asswipe category, but I always wondered why she didn't want to believe it happened when she apparently thought she could stop it. My biggest fear is that I will turn out like her too. Will I be able to hear it, if one of my brothers tell me? I think so. That's why Im in therapy.
As I fell asleep at 430am, I started dreaming about my first job. I may or may not have mentioned this job before but of all the jobs Ive had, this is the one I dream of the most. In the dream, its always the same. I have my master's degree but can't get anyone to replace me so I have to keep working there. And it was a nightmare. The whole time I worked there was a nightmare. I made lots of friends and developed some mad flirting skillz there but the work part was a nightmare. (Interestingly, I just referred back to this time on super-cool Lina's blog in response to her post about power.) (yes, Im still working on that post, but Ive not been feeling as powerful lately so Im waiting for a "how crse got her groove back" inspiration to get me going)
Now that I think about it, that was one of the first times I learned to hone my personal power.It was years later that I realized how much power I wielded in that crappy job because at that point in my life I felt completely and utterly unworthy and powerless. Ive got to save that for the power post. But perhaps thats why I had the dream. Because I just realized, I did lose my power. Nobody took it from me, but I completely lost it. And I don't feel good about myself at all. All of the feelings from that time in my life have been coming to the surface this week. (this could be largely due to the fact that the asswipe situation largely mirrors a pattern I grew up with and Im powerless to help just like I was powerless to prevent back then)Im not quite sure what to do with them. And I think that the lesson the brilliant Ms. Trix inspired me to contemplate is in what Im supposed to do with all of this. Except I dont exactly know how to get to a place of strength again. Which makes it interesting as a personal journey because the individual incidents have already started to fade in my mind but the feelings of being weak stupid ugly unworthy and unpleasant to be around are not. Towards the end of the week, I found myself apologizing for things over which i had no control or influence. In retrospect, I was apologizing for being myself.
I wanted to wrap this up with something profound and hopeful but Im naked, the turnip just woke up and appears to be loudly arguing with himself in his crib and gret will be here in a few minutes. So, Ill be back later in the day and I will continue to work on my inner wilt (if you will bear with me).
Monday, August 13, 2007
Thursday, August 09, 2007
There is no fucking rainbow
So as Im sitting in the bathroom of my favorite sheetz this evening, a wave of sadness washed over me. I am not sure where it came from but suddenly I knew exactly what Judy Garland meant when she made that observation while throwing all that lawn furniture into the swimming pool.
Most of the time, Im pretty optimistic. I think the world is a good and beautiful place. I believe in the ultimate goodness of all human beings (even if that goodness is nestled way down under a whole mess of hurt) I trust people to be honorable. I believe that everyone is trying their best.
At 5:20pm, in my beloved pachouli (sp) scented sheetz bathroom (pachouli (sp) you ask? I know! I too am often pleasantly surprised by the delightful aroma)it occurred to me that I have zero evidence that any of this is true. In fact, it hit me like a ton of bricks. So much so that I actually wandered out of the bathroom clutching an empty toilet paper roll because I forgot I was not at home protecting tp from a opportunistic and far too creative two year old. Most of my daily experiences offer substantial evidence to the contrary. The world is a shit sandwich. People trying their best are really only looking out for their own best interest. People pick and choose what they are honorable about. You show me any person who is high and mighty about their own altruism and I will show you the same person being shitty in other ways. Because I really just don't believe that people are that good anymore. Not in general anyway.
I say this with great respect and deference to my gentle readers who i certainly hold in great esteem. This is my whiny "why do I even fucking bother getting out of my bed in the morning?" post. Well, besides to attempt to protect my two precious babies from the imminent taint of this cruel sick world. Admittedly, my current sense of hopelessness is most likely compounded by the fact that for the past three hours my household dynamic bears more than a slight resemblance to the Jean Paul Sartre play "No Exit". If I were not experiencing it personally, I might be amused by the way the three of them are consistently pissing each other off tonight. Instead Im sitting here nursing a headache that seems to accompany my seriously shattered illusions.
You know what though friends? The beautiful thing about the human spirit is our amazing ability to deny and forget. It might take a few days or weeks for my pollyanna outlook to come back but it always does. Ill forget the 5:20 feeling that I would never feel good about another human being for the rest of my life. The moon will look beautiful. Faces will shine for me again. Someone's best efforts will make me cry with amazement. Ill go back to expecting a new possibility for joy around every corner.
And maybe next time Im in that sheetz bathroom, I wont be clenched up inside because my job involves convincing a ten year old boy that his mother does not care about him without having to say the words to him. And that it needs to be my job because until he understands that, he will not be able to heal.
And if not, at least Ill have the pachouli (sp).
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
The direct correlation between my procrastination and my increased blog posting
Or Random Slashes Of the Insomniacal Mind if you prefer:
- Yesterday was a very sad tuesday. I would say it was the saddest tuesday Id ever had but my Grammy died on a tuesday so that is a trump right there. Yesterday was sad in a ridiculous way. Thankfully i have soul friends like Luckybuzz to see me through and share her own angst (which is way less ridiculous considering she is moving across the country as we speak)
- Speaking of LB, here is my favorite line of the weekend. "You want to know if sex with her was bad? Sex with her was so bad its the only time I ever said 'You guys go ahead and finish on your own. Im going to bed.'" (how many times were there that you didnt have to say it LB? wakawakawaka! wiggling my eyebrows suggestively at her)
- I think ive found the trigger for the early rising. Time release on the adderall. I know that this is probably a big fat duh for most of you. Sometimes it takes a while for me to develop insight . In both the ways of pharmaceuticals and the ways of the world.
- I also think my general inability to focus may be largely due to the fact that im fairly certain i get little if any REM sleep. You all know I wake up several times a night. Again, never made the leap.
- Here is one of the many reasons I love my darling Gill . He doesnt believe its all aderall related and thinks i cannot relax. Which is interesting considering how lazy I am. So he is giving me meditation advice and he is reminding me things like empty your mind. "so you are breathing and a thought comes into your head like "why is crse such a big asshole? You breathe and let it go." Turned out I misheard the name and it applied but that was pretty damn funny.
-And another reason for devotion. During the instruction he shared with me that he is currently listening to a prolonged ringtone on his Ipod to help him relax. How do you not want to spend forever with a man whose Ipod contains podcasts from organizational specialists, buddhist lectures, the hour of slack and ringtones?
-Sadly after about thirty seconds the ringtone became less relaxing and more like a trigger for a psychotic break. But hey, thats just me.
- I am going to sit in a hot house with an overbearing German woman who is suspect in her own cleaning and grooming. That is the first thing I am doing today. I will probably be there for several hours. I tell you this because although i havent bathed since monday, I cannot find the motivation to do so because i will clearly stink by the time I leave her. Its unavoidable. Did I mention she also cooks things like hotdog and califlower goulash?
- My favorite across the pond correspondent Lina wrote an interesting post about sexual power today. It really got me thinking. I think I may blog about this. Ive noticed some doubt being cast on my own personal power recently. Gret and I have talked about this and we are not sure where it came from. I plan to explore this further. Because it may surprise you to know this? But I think Im pretty darn powerful.
-Ive come to realize that in terms of child rearing, Norm responds best to positive reinforcement and turnip responds best to physical restraint.
Ok I feel the report inspiration coming upon me.......yes....right after i eat some cereal and check out CNN.
- Yesterday was a very sad tuesday. I would say it was the saddest tuesday Id ever had but my Grammy died on a tuesday so that is a trump right there. Yesterday was sad in a ridiculous way. Thankfully i have soul friends like Luckybuzz to see me through and share her own angst (which is way less ridiculous considering she is moving across the country as we speak)
- Speaking of LB, here is my favorite line of the weekend. "You want to know if sex with her was bad? Sex with her was so bad its the only time I ever said 'You guys go ahead and finish on your own. Im going to bed.'" (how many times were there that you didnt have to say it LB? wakawakawaka! wiggling my eyebrows suggestively at her)
- I think ive found the trigger for the early rising. Time release on the adderall. I know that this is probably a big fat duh for most of you. Sometimes it takes a while for me to develop insight . In both the ways of pharmaceuticals and the ways of the world.
- I also think my general inability to focus may be largely due to the fact that im fairly certain i get little if any REM sleep. You all know I wake up several times a night. Again, never made the leap.
- Here is one of the many reasons I love my darling Gill . He doesnt believe its all aderall related and thinks i cannot relax. Which is interesting considering how lazy I am. So he is giving me meditation advice and he is reminding me things like empty your mind. "so you are breathing and a thought comes into your head like "why is crse such a big asshole? You breathe and let it go." Turned out I misheard the name and it applied but that was pretty damn funny.
-And another reason for devotion. During the instruction he shared with me that he is currently listening to a prolonged ringtone on his Ipod to help him relax. How do you not want to spend forever with a man whose Ipod contains podcasts from organizational specialists, buddhist lectures, the hour of slack and ringtones?
-Sadly after about thirty seconds the ringtone became less relaxing and more like a trigger for a psychotic break. But hey, thats just me.
- I am going to sit in a hot house with an overbearing German woman who is suspect in her own cleaning and grooming. That is the first thing I am doing today. I will probably be there for several hours. I tell you this because although i havent bathed since monday, I cannot find the motivation to do so because i will clearly stink by the time I leave her. Its unavoidable. Did I mention she also cooks things like hotdog and califlower goulash?
- My favorite across the pond correspondent Lina wrote an interesting post about sexual power today. It really got me thinking. I think I may blog about this. Ive noticed some doubt being cast on my own personal power recently. Gret and I have talked about this and we are not sure where it came from. I plan to explore this further. Because it may surprise you to know this? But I think Im pretty darn powerful.
-Ive come to realize that in terms of child rearing, Norm responds best to positive reinforcement and turnip responds best to physical restraint.
Ok I feel the report inspiration coming upon me.......yes....right after i eat some cereal and check out CNN.
fulfilling my bloggerly duties
This is so late and I am ashamed. Thankfully the entertaining and somewhat more responsible Ms. Trix triggered this because she just did it on her blog. My guilty pleasure blog friend Bunny tagged me for this as well. Cant star yours though ms. bunny because that was some mad alliterating baby.
It’s very simple. When this is passed on to you, copy the whole thing, skim the list and put a * star beside those that you like. (Check out especially the * starred ones.)
Add the next number (1. 2. 3. 4. 5., etc.) and write your own blogging tip for other bloggers. Try to make your tip general.
After that, tag 10 other people. Link love some friends!
Just think– if 10 people start this, the 10 people pass it onto another 10 people, you have 100 links already!
1. Look, read, and learn. *****-http://www.neonscent.com/
2. Be, EXCELLENT to each other. *****-http://www.bushmackel.com/
3. Don’t let money change ya! ****-http://www.therandomforest.info/
4. Always reply to your comments.**-http://chattiekat.com/
5. Develop your own "voice" don't "borrow" someone else's***-Mizmouthy
6. Always avoid awesomely annoying and aggravating alliteration. Bunny
7. Read your posts, not only for errors but for tone. Especially on controversial topics. Crse
ok i tag you! (sorry stealing trixie's cheat on this!)
It’s very simple. When this is passed on to you, copy the whole thing, skim the list and put a * star beside those that you like. (Check out especially the * starred ones.)
Add the next number (1. 2. 3. 4. 5., etc.) and write your own blogging tip for other bloggers. Try to make your tip general.
After that, tag 10 other people. Link love some friends!
Just think– if 10 people start this, the 10 people pass it onto another 10 people, you have 100 links already!
1. Look, read, and learn. *****-http://www.neonscent.com/
2. Be, EXCELLENT to each other. *****-http://www.bushmackel.com/
3. Don’t let money change ya! ****-http://www.therandomforest.info/
4. Always reply to your comments.**-http://chattiekat.com/
5. Develop your own "voice" don't "borrow" someone else's***-Mizmouthy
6. Always avoid awesomely annoying and aggravating alliteration. Bunny
7. Read your posts, not only for errors but for tone. Especially on controversial topics. Crse
ok i tag you! (sorry stealing trixie's cheat on this!)
Sunday, August 05, 2007
At least im consistent
If given the choice of taking advantage of a quiet house knowing i have to completely make shit up improvise a report by 9am tomorrow, will i a) eagerly forge ahead on the report, regardless of the fact that I CANT FIND THE DAMN DATA? or will i b) Decide to read the "words of the day" in the urban dictionary all the way back to january?
As if you needed an actual answer:
obvi im just slackalackin tonight. Standard. but dont worry this treewear gonna be sobangbang its out the cuts bro.
As if you needed an actual answer:
obvi im just slackalackin tonight. Standard. but dont worry this treewear gonna be sobangbang its out the cuts bro.
From Happy to Crappy
No, Im not feeling crappy but it had a nice ring to it so I went with it. And this is not a post about shit (sorry to disappoint my more fecally oriented friends). Its about people who go crappy on you.
Why do crazy people "get away" with so much? Im not talking mental health consumers here who've actually sought out help. Im talking about how there is always that ONE person in every family or work environment (Madame Fabu, you know of whom I speak)
who turns everything to crap. Seriously? Im talking about every asswipe (male or female) that makes your stomach sink when you know you have to see them. If you know much about the clinicality of the social being, you would define them as "personality disorders" or "Axis II". Now dont confuse this with people you might be pissed off at. Im generally pissed off at a lot of people who are not asswipes per se. But Ive noticed that I tend to get pissed off at non-asswipes that I don't know very well. If I know you well? And you are my people? I can put a positive spin on every thing you do. (I learned this lesson the hard way after jeopardizing friendships and being a jerk because I was so sure i was "right" and "being wronged" but I digress. And because I often inadvertently do crappy things to my friends and they never even call me on it) So get any random objects of your pissed-offness out of your head while you identify. I know you know what Im talking about here people. Go ahead, take a minute to summon your own personal asswipe *........
Image firmly in place? Good. Now tell me people. Why the hell do we have to act like nothing is wrong with these people? Why do they have a "get out of crazy/hurtful/spiteful/meanspirited behavior free" card? If these folks ever sought professional help, it only lasted until they were asked to take accountability for their behavior. Intellectually, I understand that "taking the high road" and "picking your battles" and even "biting your tongue" are all the right things to do. But dammit, Im sick of being an EMOTIONAL HOSTAGE. (writing that in big letters looks kind of stupid but its the only way I can effectively rant with satisfaction). Sometimes, I just want to know WHY CANT YOU JUST PLAY NICE WITH OTHER PEOPLE? Because thats what it always comes down to. Just please play nice. Dont be mean to children. Dont say and do things that would hurt your own feelings. Especially after you made the point of letting people know how much it hurts your own feelings when that thing happened to you. Because then you just look petty and cruel. Granted, this is probably not what many of you would want to say to your own asswipe, but the thing with asswipes is they wouldnt be asswipes if they werent such asswipes! Know what I mean?
Ok I feel much better now. And this friends is why I am in therapy. (Hey! That should be a label!)
Edited to add: As always if you are reading this blog, I don't mean you
Why do crazy people "get away" with so much? Im not talking mental health consumers here who've actually sought out help. Im talking about how there is always that ONE person in every family or work environment (Madame Fabu, you know of whom I speak)
who turns everything to crap. Seriously? Im talking about every asswipe (male or female) that makes your stomach sink when you know you have to see them. If you know much about the clinicality of the social being, you would define them as "personality disorders" or "Axis II". Now dont confuse this with people you might be pissed off at. Im generally pissed off at a lot of people who are not asswipes per se. But Ive noticed that I tend to get pissed off at non-asswipes that I don't know very well. If I know you well? And you are my people? I can put a positive spin on every thing you do. (I learned this lesson the hard way after jeopardizing friendships and being a jerk because I was so sure i was "right" and "being wronged" but I digress. And because I often inadvertently do crappy things to my friends and they never even call me on it) So get any random objects of your pissed-offness out of your head while you identify. I know you know what Im talking about here people. Go ahead, take a minute to summon your own personal asswipe *........Image firmly in place? Good. Now tell me people. Why the hell do we have to act like nothing is wrong with these people? Why do they have a "get out of crazy/hurtful/spiteful/meanspirited behavior free" card? If these folks ever sought professional help, it only lasted until they were asked to take accountability for their behavior. Intellectually, I understand that "taking the high road" and "picking your battles" and even "biting your tongue" are all the right things to do. But dammit, Im sick of being an EMOTIONAL HOSTAGE. (writing that in big letters looks kind of stupid but its the only way I can effectively rant with satisfaction). Sometimes, I just want to know WHY CANT YOU JUST PLAY NICE WITH OTHER PEOPLE? Because thats what it always comes down to. Just please play nice. Dont be mean to children. Dont say and do things that would hurt your own feelings. Especially after you made the point of letting people know how much it hurts your own feelings when that thing happened to you. Because then you just look petty and cruel. Granted, this is probably not what many of you would want to say to your own asswipe, but the thing with asswipes is they wouldnt be asswipes if they werent such asswipes! Know what I mean?
Ok I feel much better now. And this friends is why I am in therapy. (Hey! That should be a label!)
Edited to add: As always if you are reading this blog, I don't mean you
my new happy place
What is significant about this picture is that this is our own Luckybuzz holding both their hands after turnip yanked away from me so he could hold her hand. I almost cried. In the good way. I have so much to say about the visit but im a little too sad and almost forced Gospel Bob to gnaw off his own limbs to get away.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Crse and the horrible terrible no-good very bad day
Trip Highlights:
-Arrived at fabu household at 930 on the dot. (as planned) Senor had gone to get the tickets for the park.
-940: Senor arrives with one ticket but a plan of action. We all load up ready to tackle the plan.
-10am: Drove to municipal building. They had three tickets. We needed 8.
-10:08am: Promised Norm that a sheetz breakfast was about to happen and that Sheetz was in eyesight range.
-10:12am: Drove to Credit Union as per muni recommendation while promising Norm that we were only feet away from the sheetz still.
-10:13am: Watched the "ticket team" walk out of the bank empty handed.
-10:14am: Stopped trying to convince norm we were going to eat and started whining along with him as we headed to triple A.
10:22am: Picked up a very disgusted Madame Fabu from the triple A parking lot as she informed us that we did get one more ticket but senor does not have his wallet and that we just needed to go to Sheetz.
10:30- Finally made it to sheetz where we hooked back up with the rest of the fabus and ordered our breakfasts. Personal breakfast consisted of a fruit smoothie, a banana and a little cup of cheerios. (this is foreshadowing)
10:40- Left Sheetz and finally were on our way.
10:50- Bad feeling in stomach. Gill must pull over.
10:51- Puked bananas and fruit smoothies on the side of the road.
10:53- repeat last two time-line entries.
10:56- On the road again!
11:10- Stopped by a corn field so Norm could pee.
11:30- Noticed our buick lesabre (aka mid-sized sedan of my dreams or simply "the mistress") was missing out.
11:30-12:15- Tense dialogue between Crse and Gill about what the Mistress wanted and how she was being handled. Crse ominously repeating "Mistress doesn't like it when you (fill in the blank as needed)...put the gas to the floor/speak roughly to her/ punch the steering wheel." Gill dismissing crse's warnings saying Mistress needed to learn her place while shifting gears in what can only be described as displeasing to her. Crse softly singing "She will turn your face to alabaster, when you find your servant is your master" as Mistress continues to stall more and more frequently.
12:15- Stop to pick up one of the few fun and pleasant extended family members from Senor Fabu's side. Norm pees again.
12:20- Continue to the waterpark noting that the engine "rest" did not improve Mistress's mood.
12:35: Almost got wiped off the freeway during a merge as Mistress would not accelerate above thirty miles per hour. Pulled over to side of freeway. Remind Norm, the screaming Turnip and Gill that this indeed is an adventure and all was ok.
12:36- Receive frantic call from the Fabus who realized we were gone. Thwarted an effort to switch and continue ahead with Madame and the fabulettes while senor and the children stayed with gill.
12:40- Gill returns to the car and accusingly asks when the last time the oil was changed. Crse counter-accuses Gill of confusing the issue. Gill notices oil sticker dated from last november. Crse tries to convince Gill she goes to a special guy who doesn't use stickers. Gill replies, "he must not use oil either because you are down two quarts." Norm attempts to restore harmony in the car "guys guys guys...we are in public". Crse apologizes for calling Gill a dickhead and Gill basks in the glory of knowing the Mistress's problems are Crse's fault.
12:41- Consult with Fabus about attempting to find a gas station at the next exit, refill oil and top off coolant.
12:42- Gill turns on HEAT FULL BLAST and rolls down windows claiming he was "cooling the engine" although everyone in the car knew he was punishing Crse for the oil transgression.
12:50- arrived at Sheetz (because it's everywhere you want to be). Crse takes children in to wash them off while Gill does required maintenance. Rendevous with Fabus who reaffirm that we are all ok and we were almost there.
12:55- Depart for a heat filled yet eventless ride to the waterpark.
1:30- Arrive at the gate of the waterpark to meet the rest of the folks in our party. Perhaps day would be ok after all. And it was until.....well just read on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You met him as "The turnip" You knew him when he earned the nicknames "turnado" for his destructive tendencies and "nocturner" for his lack of sleep at night. Friends, with great alarm, he has evolved into what Madame Fabu has dubbed "The Turnimator".
Ill save you the stories of him attempting to belly flop in the pool and running into the street to the point that he's lost "outside privileges". Last night tops them all.
By around 730 all of the adults were quite pleased with how the children were handling the day. We had found a nice little niche where the turnip and the littlest fabu were riding a kiddie helicopter ride over and over again. It had gotten to the point that they didnt even have to get out because not that many kids were riding. I was extremely excited because the turnip showed none of the fear that his brother had at his age in terms of rides. He was delighted with everything and quite content to settle into the helicopters.
Now friends, the helicopters swooped. They went up around fifteen feet and then swooped back down in a circle. I believe the incident occurred around the eleventh time on the ride. I should have seen it coming when he tried to stand up before the ride started. I never imagined what would happen next. The ride was going around and Gill was watching while I faced the other way chatting with Madame Fabu. Im not sure if it was the collective gasp or if Gill said something but I turned around to see my baby in midair, climbing from the back seat of the helicopter to the front. I remember screaming. I remember Madame Fabu telling me that it was ok and that he was sitting down again. I remember the attendant with her hand over her mouth (clearly well-trained in emergencies, as well as the safety guidelines of proper buckling). I remember yelling "please stop the ride". I remember Gill dragging him out of the helicopter while the littlest fabu was looking at him with an "I wouldnt have even tried that one" look. And of course the turnip all the while is screaming with indignation. And that is how we left the park. So fifteen days into being two we've already also lost "kiddie ride privileges".
I just want to put him in a foam box until he is four and possesses reasoning skills.
-Arrived at fabu household at 930 on the dot. (as planned) Senor had gone to get the tickets for the park.
-940: Senor arrives with one ticket but a plan of action. We all load up ready to tackle the plan.
-10am: Drove to municipal building. They had three tickets. We needed 8.
-10:08am: Promised Norm that a sheetz breakfast was about to happen and that Sheetz was in eyesight range.
-10:12am: Drove to Credit Union as per muni recommendation while promising Norm that we were only feet away from the sheetz still.
-10:13am: Watched the "ticket team" walk out of the bank empty handed.
-10:14am: Stopped trying to convince norm we were going to eat and started whining along with him as we headed to triple A.
10:22am: Picked up a very disgusted Madame Fabu from the triple A parking lot as she informed us that we did get one more ticket but senor does not have his wallet and that we just needed to go to Sheetz.
10:30- Finally made it to sheetz where we hooked back up with the rest of the fabus and ordered our breakfasts. Personal breakfast consisted of a fruit smoothie, a banana and a little cup of cheerios. (this is foreshadowing)
10:40- Left Sheetz and finally were on our way.
10:50- Bad feeling in stomach. Gill must pull over.
10:51- Puked bananas and fruit smoothies on the side of the road.
10:53- repeat last two time-line entries.
10:56- On the road again!
11:10- Stopped by a corn field so Norm could pee.
11:30- Noticed our buick lesabre (aka mid-sized sedan of my dreams or simply "the mistress") was missing out.
11:30-12:15- Tense dialogue between Crse and Gill about what the Mistress wanted and how she was being handled. Crse ominously repeating "Mistress doesn't like it when you (fill in the blank as needed)...put the gas to the floor/speak roughly to her/ punch the steering wheel." Gill dismissing crse's warnings saying Mistress needed to learn her place while shifting gears in what can only be described as displeasing to her. Crse softly singing "She will turn your face to alabaster, when you find your servant is your master" as Mistress continues to stall more and more frequently.
12:15- Stop to pick up one of the few fun and pleasant extended family members from Senor Fabu's side. Norm pees again.
12:20- Continue to the waterpark noting that the engine "rest" did not improve Mistress's mood.
12:35: Almost got wiped off the freeway during a merge as Mistress would not accelerate above thirty miles per hour. Pulled over to side of freeway. Remind Norm, the screaming Turnip and Gill that this indeed is an adventure and all was ok.
12:36- Receive frantic call from the Fabus who realized we were gone. Thwarted an effort to switch and continue ahead with Madame and the fabulettes while senor and the children stayed with gill.
12:40- Gill returns to the car and accusingly asks when the last time the oil was changed. Crse counter-accuses Gill of confusing the issue. Gill notices oil sticker dated from last november. Crse tries to convince Gill she goes to a special guy who doesn't use stickers. Gill replies, "he must not use oil either because you are down two quarts." Norm attempts to restore harmony in the car "guys guys guys...we are in public". Crse apologizes for calling Gill a dickhead and Gill basks in the glory of knowing the Mistress's problems are Crse's fault.
12:41- Consult with Fabus about attempting to find a gas station at the next exit, refill oil and top off coolant.
12:42- Gill turns on HEAT FULL BLAST and rolls down windows claiming he was "cooling the engine" although everyone in the car knew he was punishing Crse for the oil transgression.
12:50- arrived at Sheetz (because it's everywhere you want to be). Crse takes children in to wash them off while Gill does required maintenance. Rendevous with Fabus who reaffirm that we are all ok and we were almost there.
12:55- Depart for a heat filled yet eventless ride to the waterpark.
1:30- Arrive at the gate of the waterpark to meet the rest of the folks in our party. Perhaps day would be ok after all. And it was until.....well just read on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You met him as "The turnip" You knew him when he earned the nicknames "turnado" for his destructive tendencies and "nocturner" for his lack of sleep at night. Friends, with great alarm, he has evolved into what Madame Fabu has dubbed "The Turnimator".
Ill save you the stories of him attempting to belly flop in the pool and running into the street to the point that he's lost "outside privileges". Last night tops them all.
By around 730 all of the adults were quite pleased with how the children were handling the day. We had found a nice little niche where the turnip and the littlest fabu were riding a kiddie helicopter ride over and over again. It had gotten to the point that they didnt even have to get out because not that many kids were riding. I was extremely excited because the turnip showed none of the fear that his brother had at his age in terms of rides. He was delighted with everything and quite content to settle into the helicopters.
Now friends, the helicopters swooped. They went up around fifteen feet and then swooped back down in a circle. I believe the incident occurred around the eleventh time on the ride. I should have seen it coming when he tried to stand up before the ride started. I never imagined what would happen next. The ride was going around and Gill was watching while I faced the other way chatting with Madame Fabu. Im not sure if it was the collective gasp or if Gill said something but I turned around to see my baby in midair, climbing from the back seat of the helicopter to the front. I remember screaming. I remember Madame Fabu telling me that it was ok and that he was sitting down again. I remember the attendant with her hand over her mouth (clearly well-trained in emergencies, as well as the safety guidelines of proper buckling). I remember yelling "please stop the ride". I remember Gill dragging him out of the helicopter while the littlest fabu was looking at him with an "I wouldnt have even tried that one" look. And of course the turnip all the while is screaming with indignation. And that is how we left the park. So fifteen days into being two we've already also lost "kiddie ride privileges".
I just want to put him in a foam box until he is four and possesses reasoning skills.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Where the hell have I been?
Ack. Family madness. we will leave it at that.
What do I have to report? Hmmm not much. We are on "vacation". Apparently when your children are small "vacation" does not imply relaxation. Instead we have a mad family fun week with the fabus planned. Tomorrow is a water park/amusement park. Thursday is the zoo. Friday is the lake.
You know its going to be a bad visit when the doctor asks your five year old if he eats healthy and he looks at you nervously.
I just baked cookies that melded together at the bottom of the pan. Am i going to throw them away? hell no. We will chop them with knives and we will eat them heartily.
McDonald's has consistently pissed me off these past few months. I have very low expectations to begin with so to disappoint me is difficult in terms of fast food. But they have done so. And verily I am pissed.
I really WANT to go to the fabus tonight for ribs and corn. I really NEED to clean and prepare for tomorrow. Ill let you know how that ends up.
We are getting a land line so I can fax things in accordance with new work requirements. Gill is pissed and wants me to "e-fax" although the land line is cheaper. I felt intimidated by e-fax anyway. He is calling me an idiot and deemed the extra cost an "idiot tax". Once again proving my point that I will endure about anything to get my own way.
I think we all know how bad i suck and how far behind i am. No need to beat it into the ground....
What do I have to report? Hmmm not much. We are on "vacation". Apparently when your children are small "vacation" does not imply relaxation. Instead we have a mad family fun week with the fabus planned. Tomorrow is a water park/amusement park. Thursday is the zoo. Friday is the lake.
You know its going to be a bad visit when the doctor asks your five year old if he eats healthy and he looks at you nervously.
I just baked cookies that melded together at the bottom of the pan. Am i going to throw them away? hell no. We will chop them with knives and we will eat them heartily.
McDonald's has consistently pissed me off these past few months. I have very low expectations to begin with so to disappoint me is difficult in terms of fast food. But they have done so. And verily I am pissed.
I really WANT to go to the fabus tonight for ribs and corn. I really NEED to clean and prepare for tomorrow. Ill let you know how that ends up.
We are getting a land line so I can fax things in accordance with new work requirements. Gill is pissed and wants me to "e-fax" although the land line is cheaper. I felt intimidated by e-fax anyway. He is calling me an idiot and deemed the extra cost an "idiot tax". Once again proving my point that I will endure about anything to get my own way.
I think we all know how bad i suck and how far behind i am. No need to beat it into the ground....
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Here is the thing about rats
*The more I learn about rats, the more i want to like them. They are freaking BRILLIANT. Screw chimpanzees (monkey eating monsters that they are), forget about the gorillas (i dont mind gorillas per se, but lets face it. Intellectually, the gorilla is no rat). Its rats. According to those who know, pet rats are friendly, lovable, clean, smart and gentle. They are the ultimate pet. In some cultures rats are seen as sacred. They are thought to hold souls of those who've passed (I think). I embrace this rat reverence wholeheartedly. There is only one small problem.
RATS SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME. I mean they HORRIFY me. And I am ashamed. Why must they be so appalling to me? Cognitively, I understand that rats did not cause the black plague. To be honest, I only have a vague idea of what the black plague is anyway. And Im not afraid of fleas. (I mean i dont want them or anything but they don't have what i like to call "the cootie effect" on me physiologically) So rats go through garbage looking for food. Dare I judge? I was actually physically inside a dumpster once many years ago pulling out discarded belongings left by a wealthy but frivolous woman. It was not my proudest moment but i still have a pair of sandals from that long ago foraging expedition.
I just stared at the screen debating whether I should share this next part but Ill tell you friends. This post is about healing. I need to be honest here. Because accepting that I have a problem is the first step to overcoming it right? You may find me repulsive after this. So be it. Go with God.
Sometimes? If I really dont want to eat something completely tasty but really bad for me, I spray it with windex after i put it in the trash. Because I am afraid I would be too tempted to pull it out and eat it. Who am I kidding sometimes? Ive been doing this my whole adult life. Ive been doing it so long that while I dont have any distinct memory of pulling food from the garbage, I obviously must have done or considered it at some point or there would be no need for windex. Dont judge me people. Im trying to build bridges here.
At this point in time, I cannot imagine getting past my revulsion. (And we ask ourselves, is it not a reflection of my own self-loathing? Perhaps....Perhaps) Thanks to everyone from the promoters of junk science to george orwell to the creepy acrobatic rat that appeared in the dumpster behind "the bar" many years ago (the same rat to whom I attribute the onset of my life defining existential crisis) I am scarred by the rat-hating culture that is the curse of my generation. I dont know if I can move past this. And I am ashamed.
Why do I tell you this friends? Because tonight friends? Tonight I took my boy to a movie and together we cried over the pain of a crazy little rat trying to make it in the big city. (ok I cried. He may have missed the deeper message of the film, but we were definitely together. Sharing popcorn.) My xenophobic speciesism needs to be crushed in the name of truth. I need to look deeply into my inner rat and learn to love and celebrate it.
Right now, it doesnt seem possible to move past this. But friends, last week I ate an onion**. A raw onion. And Im still here.
Yes, I ate a raw onion. And now I know that nothing is beyond my reach.
* I found the rat cartoon here. And I give my humble thanks.
** it has come to my attention that the phrase "ate a raw onion" implies that I ate a whole onion. In actuality I ate a small ring, a strand if you will. It was about the size of a nickel around. One Small Strand of Onion. One Giant Step for crse
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I heart my in-laws!
Well folks, we are back from the spreading of the ashes of the guy we never met, and let me tell you…its been a long strange trip. Do you know what is worse than not have internet in the mountains? Having constant live blog fodder and being powerless to blog. Ah well, at least I can offer you a retrospective in dashes:
- We stayed with gill’s aunt M and Uncle J. Aunt M did not seem happy to meet me but did tell me soon after to ignore the mess because “we might not be clean here but we are happy” (it really wasn’t that dirty at all)
- Her words actually made the whole stale cigarette smoke/really strong cat piss smell seem more pleasant than it normally would have been. Im not joking. (I think it only smells that way because they have three cats)
- Apparently, it is not customary in the clan of Gill to offer food or drink to anyone over the age of five, no matter how long you are planning on staying. Food is served at meal times but nobody offered me beer ever. I got one beer all weekend. The gill clan is totally a byob clan.
- Aunt M vacillated between totally awesome and a mean spiteful harridan. As you all know, this is exactly what I look for in a mother figure so I was right at home.
- Until she made me eat a raw onion.
- Yes you read that right.
- She made me eat a raw onion.
- She was like kryptonite to my pickiness powers. Id never experienced anything like it. And correct me if Im wrong faithful readers, but Im pretty sure Ive never wanted to punch a senior citizen before either. So that’s two first for crse right there….
- We slept in the family camper which was parked in the driveway. We shared these accommodations with Gill’s niece and nephew. I had thought it a bit unpleasant the first night as my pillow ratio wasn’t good and there were blanket issues (plus peeing outside).
- I felt particularly at home with the gentlemen who ended up being my Drunk Old Men Posse (DOMP) ( most of gill’s uncles and older male cousins). There were points throughout the trip when I was positive they were the only ones who liked me. (despite the byob crap)
- Turns out the first night was a fucking five star hotel compared to the second night which involved me needing to pee five times, the turnip waking up shrieking for an hour and a half at four am and the foul odor of sauerkraut that permeated the whole trailer because someone left a used crockpot right outside one of the windows. (I know that makes no sense. The weekend was kind of like that.)
- Gill completely bailed on me Friday and stayed in the camper until 530 with a “headache” leaving me completely alone with a group of people who knew me only as the woman who kept gill away from the family for 13 years. The DOMP spent a good deal of time during the day at some sort of “man club”. I missed them sorely.
- By 530 Friday, the only people being remotely pleasant to me were my father in law and a stinky cousin of gill’s who would have been somewhat attractive if he didn’t have that raging stench.
- Stinky has two iguanas and spent a great deal of time graciously attempting to enlighten me about these fantastic little wonders of nature.
- Im really scared of iguanas now.
- Stinky’s stench (or what gill and I now refer to as “the taint”) lingered in the oddest of places. I am still getting whiffs of it here and there. Its very disturbing.
- Kojak and Dolly both came through for me Friday evening. It was nice to have a relatively sober contingency.
- By Saturday I was talking trash playing cards with the DOMP and exchanging addresses and emails.
- I was also getting good gossip from Aunt M and the rest of the girl cousins.
- I developed a full scale loathing for a smarmy rotund man who thankfully was not related to “us” . I was excited to hear everyone secretly dislikes him too!
- The memorial on Saturday consisted of us all walking over to a tree and having the wheelchair bound aunt toss ashes from the dead uncle onto the tree. It was kind of odd because the ashes kept kicking up and she ended up getting them all over her. She did not seem bothered by this.
- I went from being ok with my own uncles to having two totally favorite uncles in law.
- My absolute favorite Uncle patted my ass when I left. He was drunk of course. I took this as a clear symbol that I had been accepted into the tribe.
- How can I not feel at home with anybody (read: my favorite uncle) who sets up a picture like this?
- We stayed with gill’s aunt M and Uncle J. Aunt M did not seem happy to meet me but did tell me soon after to ignore the mess because “we might not be clean here but we are happy” (it really wasn’t that dirty at all)
- Her words actually made the whole stale cigarette smoke/really strong cat piss smell seem more pleasant than it normally would have been. Im not joking. (I think it only smells that way because they have three cats)
- Apparently, it is not customary in the clan of Gill to offer food or drink to anyone over the age of five, no matter how long you are planning on staying. Food is served at meal times but nobody offered me beer ever. I got one beer all weekend. The gill clan is totally a byob clan.
- Aunt M vacillated between totally awesome and a mean spiteful harridan. As you all know, this is exactly what I look for in a mother figure so I was right at home.
- Until she made me eat a raw onion.
- Yes you read that right.
- She made me eat a raw onion.
- She was like kryptonite to my pickiness powers. Id never experienced anything like it. And correct me if Im wrong faithful readers, but Im pretty sure Ive never wanted to punch a senior citizen before either. So that’s two first for crse right there….
- We slept in the family camper which was parked in the driveway. We shared these accommodations with Gill’s niece and nephew. I had thought it a bit unpleasant the first night as my pillow ratio wasn’t good and there were blanket issues (plus peeing outside).
- I felt particularly at home with the gentlemen who ended up being my Drunk Old Men Posse (DOMP) ( most of gill’s uncles and older male cousins). There were points throughout the trip when I was positive they were the only ones who liked me. (despite the byob crap)
- Turns out the first night was a fucking five star hotel compared to the second night which involved me needing to pee five times, the turnip waking up shrieking for an hour and a half at four am and the foul odor of sauerkraut that permeated the whole trailer because someone left a used crockpot right outside one of the windows. (I know that makes no sense. The weekend was kind of like that.)
- Gill completely bailed on me Friday and stayed in the camper until 530 with a “headache” leaving me completely alone with a group of people who knew me only as the woman who kept gill away from the family for 13 years. The DOMP spent a good deal of time during the day at some sort of “man club”. I missed them sorely.
- By 530 Friday, the only people being remotely pleasant to me were my father in law and a stinky cousin of gill’s who would have been somewhat attractive if he didn’t have that raging stench.
- Stinky has two iguanas and spent a great deal of time graciously attempting to enlighten me about these fantastic little wonders of nature.
- Im really scared of iguanas now.
- Stinky’s stench (or what gill and I now refer to as “the taint”) lingered in the oddest of places. I am still getting whiffs of it here and there. Its very disturbing.
- Kojak and Dolly both came through for me Friday evening. It was nice to have a relatively sober contingency.
- By Saturday I was talking trash playing cards with the DOMP and exchanging addresses and emails.
- I was also getting good gossip from Aunt M and the rest of the girl cousins.
- I developed a full scale loathing for a smarmy rotund man who thankfully was not related to “us” . I was excited to hear everyone secretly dislikes him too!
- The memorial on Saturday consisted of us all walking over to a tree and having the wheelchair bound aunt toss ashes from the dead uncle onto the tree. It was kind of odd because the ashes kept kicking up and she ended up getting them all over her. She did not seem bothered by this.
- I went from being ok with my own uncles to having two totally favorite uncles in law.
- My absolute favorite Uncle patted my ass when I left. He was drunk of course. I took this as a clear symbol that I had been accepted into the tribe.
- How can I not feel at home with anybody (read: my favorite uncle) who sets up a picture like this?
She is HERE!!!
Born Monday July 16th (I forget what time), 7 lbs 11 oz, and twenty inches long and WAY BEAUTIFUL! go see her
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Thursday Thirteen Camping Edition
I know I should have blogged before about the trip and ONCE AGAIN Im so far behind on your blogs it breaks me heart! How do I even begin to tell you about the weekend. Chocolate Vodka, apple pucker and citron. Lots and Lots of junk food. Best summed up in a thursday thirteen to be sure:
1. It is very impolite to start eating other food when a group of people start to sing happy birthday to you.
2. It is even more impolite to interrupt someone who is spilling their heart out to borrow batteries because the confessor just looks so darn pretty in the firelight.
3. I have really really hot friends. Some of them like to be naked and some of them are happier leaving their clothes on. Im not naming names.
4. When bears attack, the important thing is to save the liquor. Then go for the electronics. But if you have to make a sacrifice, just save the liquor.
5. Gretty is very mean if you try to sleep in her bed. She is not too generous with the space and she pokes you everytime she hears you snore. If you sleep with gretty, you will spend a good portion of the night clinging to the edge of the bed trying to be quiet. On the other hand, you will have no qualms about posting pictures like this to pay her back:
6. Then again, my dearest friend Roxie did absolutely nothing to warrant the posting of this picture, but frankly i thought her pose was almost artistic, sort of like the demi moore cover of vanity fair. She is not puking, she is standing up from her piss.
7. Moe thinks that she is a bad bed mate because she snores. Moe's snoring did not keep me awake at all. However, she does flail around like a flamingo on amphetamines. But she does not poke you meanly when you snore. Which means she is a good room-mate. And does not get embarrassing pictures of her posted. Gretty.
8. Fire and toileting. My two very favorite things. Introducing the destroylet, a propane toilet:
I tried to get the flames but my timing was bad.
9. One thing I love about my friends is that we could all be sitting around and someone could blurt out something like "I have abnormal sexual thoughts about molesting kangaroos" (or something just as off the wall)and everyone will nod understandingly and no matter what it is, someone will jump in and say "Yeah that happens to me sometimes."
10. Why I will never make a successful vegetarian: "What is it that you don't like in the dish?" "Well, I think its the flavor that tastes like pre-digested vomit"
11. Feather is the absolutely perfect person to have around to deal with unsettling smells in the wild. For example, when i smell rancid chicken lard, she smells home cooking. When I smell what appears to be the result of bait and hot food stored too closely together, she smells home cooking.
12. Freaky step-ladders, lots of vodka, and bad knees do not a pleasant end of the evening make.
13. My wimmin rock ASS!!!!!
NOw Im off to the mountains again with my in-laws for some old fashioned ash spreading. (Im starting to think of gill's family as the folks who put the fun in funeral)
1. It is very impolite to start eating other food when a group of people start to sing happy birthday to you.
2. It is even more impolite to interrupt someone who is spilling their heart out to borrow batteries because the confessor just looks so darn pretty in the firelight.
3. I have really really hot friends. Some of them like to be naked and some of them are happier leaving their clothes on. Im not naming names.
4. When bears attack, the important thing is to save the liquor. Then go for the electronics. But if you have to make a sacrifice, just save the liquor.
5. Gretty is very mean if you try to sleep in her bed. She is not too generous with the space and she pokes you everytime she hears you snore. If you sleep with gretty, you will spend a good portion of the night clinging to the edge of the bed trying to be quiet. On the other hand, you will have no qualms about posting pictures like this to pay her back:
6. Then again, my dearest friend Roxie did absolutely nothing to warrant the posting of this picture, but frankly i thought her pose was almost artistic, sort of like the demi moore cover of vanity fair. She is not puking, she is standing up from her piss.
7. Moe thinks that she is a bad bed mate because she snores. Moe's snoring did not keep me awake at all. However, she does flail around like a flamingo on amphetamines. But she does not poke you meanly when you snore. Which means she is a good room-mate. And does not get embarrassing pictures of her posted. Gretty.
8. Fire and toileting. My two very favorite things. Introducing the destroylet, a propane toilet:
I tried to get the flames but my timing was bad.9. One thing I love about my friends is that we could all be sitting around and someone could blurt out something like "I have abnormal sexual thoughts about molesting kangaroos" (or something just as off the wall)and everyone will nod understandingly and no matter what it is, someone will jump in and say "Yeah that happens to me sometimes."
10. Why I will never make a successful vegetarian: "What is it that you don't like in the dish?" "Well, I think its the flavor that tastes like pre-digested vomit"
11. Feather is the absolutely perfect person to have around to deal with unsettling smells in the wild. For example, when i smell rancid chicken lard, she smells home cooking. When I smell what appears to be the result of bait and hot food stored too closely together, she smells home cooking.
12. Freaky step-ladders, lots of vodka, and bad knees do not a pleasant end of the evening make.
13. My wimmin rock ASS!!!!!
NOw Im off to the mountains again with my in-laws for some old fashioned ash spreading. (Im starting to think of gill's family as the folks who put the fun in funeral)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
BAARSSS!!!
Well friends, there are many pictures, stories, videos and other blackmail fodder from this weekend. As you can see, there was decadence abound. I learned a quite a bit about myself, my friends and nature this weekend. And now that we are safely home, I feel like I can safely say I really wouldnt have pulled a george costanza on the baby if the bears had come back and attacked us. Pitures will be on the way. Now, Im just happy to be home and alive and want to say MY FRIENDS ROCK HARD!!!!
Friday, July 13, 2007
Wild Weekend in the Wilderness
Folks, Im goin' camping! (in the "staying at a cabin with beds, electricity a toilet and other required amenities" sense)Its an all wimmin weekend (Yeah thats crse with a y buster!) with seven of my closest friends from "back in the day". Most have them have been mentioned here before but in my typical "crse has to confuse the hell out of us" manner, i will change their names a year into my blog by letting them pick their own monikers because friends? Its gonna be a live blog weekend! Actually probably a check in between naps and drinking weekend but still hoping to provide my blog buddies with live action reports straight from the scene of what may well prove to be the highlight of this summer's ugly season. Stay Tuned.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Fucking Weasleys
Im so sorry Lucy, Pippa and all my other beloved Potterheads. Its not them really. Its just that i surpassed my 10,000 visitor yesterday and I had been looking forward to it for soooo long. Guess what it was? AN IMAGE SEARCH FOR THE FUCKING WEASLEYS!!! Im getting tons of them! Yes they are cute, Yes I realize I scored them for the potter character(s) i would most likely sleep with. BUT ITS ALL ABOUT ME PEOPLE!!! (ok and gret too this week) Im going to delete that damm picture right now.
Because you cant possibly get enough of that crazy Gretty stuff:
Thirteen Aspects Of Grettability:
1. She is an artist. She uses all sorts of mediums and her work is amazing. Its not just my bias. She actually sells her work for money. To strangers.
2. She and I both have undergrads in Religious Studies. We went to college at the same time, and had several mutual friends but our paths never crossed and we did not know each other then. (Granted I was on the tommy boy ten year plan, dropping out of school for reasons like I got good cable or was planning a road trip to Alaska with my friend J)
3. She went to Scotland to earn her master's degree.
4. She has been married twice but is not currently married at this point in time.
5. She was very alarmed to come home to a surprise party on a relatively recent birthday because at first she thought it was an intervention. (this makes me laugh every time I think of it)
6. She has a reputation as being a flake in certain circles but she has been one of the most consistently reliable people Ive ever dealt with on a daily basis.
7. She runs an unofficial flop house for animals. (although I think she is in denial about this. I think she thinks most people generally have foster dogs for months at a time.) Animals seem to have a sixth sense that she is a pushover.
8. She is amazing in times of crisis. I can even back that up statistically with the fact that she is 82% zombie proof.
9. She once spent a month in Russia.
10. She is extremely protective of her siblings, particularly her younger sister.
11. Meeting her, you would not think she would be good with children (no offense baby but need I refer to "the picture"? and BTW id do anything if you gave me permission to post that picture) but she really is sensitive to them and children tend to adore her. She is also completely neurotic about their safety.
12. She loved horses as a little girl. I used to have all kinds of theories about little girls who loved horses but she shattered them because she is not anything like what you'd think a girl who'd love horses would be.
13. When we are someplace and people mistake us for sisters, I never correct them because i am secretly really flattered by this, because she is really pretty and it would be so cool to be her sister.
BONUS GRETISMS: Two I forgot from yesterday.
(to my husband for making her late, by not getting home on time)(again, complete serious deadpan) If I had a dick, you would be sucking it all day long tomorrow.
(one day pensively) Sometimes I wish I had made the choice early on to really commit and dedicate myself to (and im thinking its career or self growth related) the path of hardcore alcoholism. Life would be so much simpler then. Still not enough Gret? Stay tuned....
1. She is an artist. She uses all sorts of mediums and her work is amazing. Its not just my bias. She actually sells her work for money. To strangers.
2. She and I both have undergrads in Religious Studies. We went to college at the same time, and had several mutual friends but our paths never crossed and we did not know each other then. (Granted I was on the tommy boy ten year plan, dropping out of school for reasons like I got good cable or was planning a road trip to Alaska with my friend J)
3. She went to Scotland to earn her master's degree.
4. She has been married twice but is not currently married at this point in time.
5. She was very alarmed to come home to a surprise party on a relatively recent birthday because at first she thought it was an intervention. (this makes me laugh every time I think of it)
6. She has a reputation as being a flake in certain circles but she has been one of the most consistently reliable people Ive ever dealt with on a daily basis.
7. She runs an unofficial flop house for animals. (although I think she is in denial about this. I think she thinks most people generally have foster dogs for months at a time.) Animals seem to have a sixth sense that she is a pushover.
8. She is amazing in times of crisis. I can even back that up statistically with the fact that she is 82% zombie proof.
9. She once spent a month in Russia.
10. She is extremely protective of her siblings, particularly her younger sister.
11. Meeting her, you would not think she would be good with children (no offense baby but need I refer to "the picture"? and BTW id do anything if you gave me permission to post that picture) but she really is sensitive to them and children tend to adore her. She is also completely neurotic about their safety.
12. She loved horses as a little girl. I used to have all kinds of theories about little girls who loved horses but she shattered them because she is not anything like what you'd think a girl who'd love horses would be.
13. When we are someplace and people mistake us for sisters, I never correct them because i am secretly really flattered by this, because she is really pretty and it would be so cool to be her sister.
BONUS GRETISMS: Two I forgot from yesterday.
(to my husband for making her late, by not getting home on time)(again, complete serious deadpan) If I had a dick, you would be sucking it all day long tomorrow.
(one day pensively) Sometimes I wish I had made the choice early on to really commit and dedicate myself to (and im thinking its career or self growth related) the path of hardcore alcoholism. Life would be so much simpler then. Still not enough Gret? Stay tuned....
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Happy Birthday Gretty!
Its Gretty's birthday! I have so many interesting current events things to post about but it took me TWO ENTIRE HOURS to catch up on your blogs friends! Rockdog was just talking about blogcrushes and my problem is im totally crushed out on every single blog i read. And I have to update my roll because there are more crushes that you might not even know about! Anyway, i digress, I want to dediate this to my darlin gretty. I cant even begin to tell you how much she means to me (although tomorrow should yield a "thirteen things about gretty" list). Ive actually been collecting quotes from her for a while to make a TT but my short term memory sucks so Im going to start posting them as they happen. And for her birthday, Here is a top ten of quotable Gret:
1. {Firmly, with indignation) There is no symbiotic relationship between the weasel and the human!
2. If that Microtel could talk…..
3. Yeah I went on quite the trampage around that time….
4. So my mom was up on vacation and she had the chickens with her of course.
5. (to norm) You need a shirt that says “Im a winner!”
6. (again to norm) Don’t blink the lights like that. You are going to trigger my sociopathy.
7. Most people would have crossed the line to creepy a long time ago. I like to think we are special.
8. (Dora saying “what was your favorite trick?”)(To dora) When you died.
9. He has tourette’s and before you get excited, its not the good kind.
10. Once I have steps, the only other thing Im going to need (my boyfriend) for is that second income!
1. {Firmly, with indignation) There is no symbiotic relationship between the weasel and the human!
2. If that Microtel could talk…..
3. Yeah I went on quite the trampage around that time….
4. So my mom was up on vacation and she had the chickens with her of course.
5. (to norm) You need a shirt that says “Im a winner!”
6. (again to norm) Don’t blink the lights like that. You are going to trigger my sociopathy.
7. Most people would have crossed the line to creepy a long time ago. I like to think we are special.
8. (Dora saying “what was your favorite trick?”)(To dora) When you died.
9. He has tourette’s and before you get excited, its not the good kind.
10. Once I have steps, the only other thing Im going to need (my boyfriend) for is that second income!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Monday Musings
Thanks for all your kind words friends. I am happy to say that after a particularly hellacious five days, chez panflutemaster has returned to "normal". Im woefully behind on the lives of all my friends in the blogoverse but I promise Im going to catch up soon! Typically, I silently hang my head in shame when Im this behind but my dearest Madame Fabu has seen better days recently (work is insane, car problems extraordinaire) and I wanted to give her a little something in case she gets over here for stress relief. (although last i heard she and senor were childless for the evening and engaged in some sort of clorox fuelled night of hi-jinx) So here are a few (very few) monday musings.
- YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FRIENDS: (I call you all as patent witnesses)Here is a brilliant idea for a product. You know how some people only like burnt potato chips? Well how about a brand of potato chips that are specifically burnt? Just Burnt Potato Chips. I think I would totally buy these chips. (I ate some burnt crackers today and while enjoying their tastiness, I could not help but think that this could really catch on. A whole cottage industry of ill-prepared yet tasty treats)
- During my seventy billionth viewing of Spongebob Squarepants this evening, I picked up an interesting little bit of trivia. At the beginning of the movie, as sponge bob prepares for what he expects to be a big promotion at the krusty krab, he alludes to his wall of pride which, as he reports, displays 375 consecutive employee of the month awards. Now I crunched the numbers friends.....sit down and take a deep breath.....it means that spongebob has been working in that restaurant for over 30 years! Granted, Im not sure if there is a human to sponge year ratio like we have with dogs, and no clarification appears to be available regarding bikini bottom labor laws, but if we translate this all to human equivalents? SPONGEBOB IS 47 YEARS OLD. The implications of this are absolutely mind boggling. Again, you heard it here first!
Sega and other clown dodgers, this is a clown alert!
- I know I have not spoken of "der kamp" in a while. I will tell you this. There is a HUGE difference between an american clown and the German KLOWN. And it aint just how you say the word my friends. (In case you are wondering, you say american clown like a little whiny whimper. The German Klown? You make that K HARD and you draw out the OW in klown. You let the n slide a little because you know what? The KLOW part is enough! Cant say that about american clowns now can ya?) I have heard the siren's call once again friends. Except this time, its not the tinkling song of the ice cream truck of my dreams allowing me to travel the open roads providing frozen sticks of happiness to all who cross my path. Now it is the life of the KLOWn that calls to me friends. Its a dream yes. But its a damn big one.....
ok again promise i will catch up soon!
A few promos:
-If you havent had the chance, track down Rockdog's webradio show It happens saturdays at midnight and i havent caught it yet, but hear tell its an uproariously good time.
- Speaking of Klowns, Mert has been nominated for class clown! And everyone who knows mert knows she has the heart of a German Klown friends. Go vote for her.
Go give some love:
-Gretty is celebrating her 40th birthday on Wednesday. Birthday wishes are welcome to be sure.
-My sweet little Ash is on her last few weeks of gestation. In Florida. In the summer. Cool breezes and comfort of all sorts would be welcome there im sure!
thats all i got, ill try to be better!
Edited to Add: So in perusing my sitemeter (or as i like to frame it: stalking my stalkers) I noticed Im getting all these hits for some google image thing from all over the country. I look into this a bit further and its THE DAMN WEASLY TWINS!!!! (Lucy just left me a funny message about her Harry Potter bedmate btw) I have not seen a single harry potter movie and I read one book (I LOVE YOU PIPPA DONT CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF!!!!) and found it....mediocre. Maybe its just late and Im just tired, but Im kind of amused by the thought of rabid harry potter fans ending up at the last possible place they will find dumblefuck (or whatever it is) information. Its the little things.....
- YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FRIENDS: (I call you all as patent witnesses)Here is a brilliant idea for a product. You know how some people only like burnt potato chips? Well how about a brand of potato chips that are specifically burnt? Just Burnt Potato Chips. I think I would totally buy these chips. (I ate some burnt crackers today and while enjoying their tastiness, I could not help but think that this could really catch on. A whole cottage industry of ill-prepared yet tasty treats)
- During my seventy billionth viewing of Spongebob Squarepants this evening, I picked up an interesting little bit of trivia. At the beginning of the movie, as sponge bob prepares for what he expects to be a big promotion at the krusty krab, he alludes to his wall of pride which, as he reports, displays 375 consecutive employee of the month awards. Now I crunched the numbers friends.....sit down and take a deep breath.....it means that spongebob has been working in that restaurant for over 30 years! Granted, Im not sure if there is a human to sponge year ratio like we have with dogs, and no clarification appears to be available regarding bikini bottom labor laws, but if we translate this all to human equivalents? SPONGEBOB IS 47 YEARS OLD. The implications of this are absolutely mind boggling. Again, you heard it here first!
Sega and other clown dodgers, this is a clown alert!
- I know I have not spoken of "der kamp" in a while. I will tell you this. There is a HUGE difference between an american clown and the German KLOWN. And it aint just how you say the word my friends. (In case you are wondering, you say american clown like a little whiny whimper. The German Klown? You make that K HARD and you draw out the OW in klown. You let the n slide a little because you know what? The KLOW part is enough! Cant say that about american clowns now can ya?) I have heard the siren's call once again friends. Except this time, its not the tinkling song of the ice cream truck of my dreams allowing me to travel the open roads providing frozen sticks of happiness to all who cross my path. Now it is the life of the KLOWn that calls to me friends. Its a dream yes. But its a damn big one.....
ok again promise i will catch up soon!
A few promos:
-If you havent had the chance, track down Rockdog's webradio show It happens saturdays at midnight and i havent caught it yet, but hear tell its an uproariously good time.
- Speaking of Klowns, Mert has been nominated for class clown! And everyone who knows mert knows she has the heart of a German Klown friends. Go vote for her.
Go give some love:
-Gretty is celebrating her 40th birthday on Wednesday. Birthday wishes are welcome to be sure.
-My sweet little Ash is on her last few weeks of gestation. In Florida. In the summer. Cool breezes and comfort of all sorts would be welcome there im sure!
thats all i got, ill try to be better!
Edited to Add: So in perusing my sitemeter (or as i like to frame it: stalking my stalkers) I noticed Im getting all these hits for some google image thing from all over the country. I look into this a bit further and its THE DAMN WEASLY TWINS!!!! (Lucy just left me a funny message about her Harry Potter bedmate btw) I have not seen a single harry potter movie and I read one book (I LOVE YOU PIPPA DONT CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF!!!!) and found it....mediocre. Maybe its just late and Im just tired, but Im kind of amused by the thought of rabid harry potter fans ending up at the last possible place they will find dumblefuck (or whatever it is) information. Its the little things.....
Thursday, July 05, 2007
No weasley's here
Sorry folks, if you googled me for weasley's ive deleted them because i really have nothing harry potter to offer you here. The reason I show up on your search is because I scored weasley's for potter character id most likely bed down with...please feel free to stay and visit but i dont want to waste your time if you are on a weasley quest!
The shrieking and the wailing and the tearing out of the hair
- The Turnip has had a double ear infection since tuesday night. Those three words do not begin to describe this experience to you. Its one of those things Im going to look back on and wonder how the hell we lived through it.
- Watched a documentary about the dark side of chimpanzees on the National Geographic on Demand channel. Friends, Im scared. And you should be too.
- Also watched the "Last King of Scotland" on Tuesday night. Interesting movie.
- Can't help but notice the "sick and recovering" Turnip's similarities not only to Idi Amin but also to a band of deranged chimpanzees. Sort of like if you can imagine a delusional vicious power crazed chimpanzee despot who consumes baby monkeys out of pure malice? That would be the turnip these last few days.
- I want to share happy things friends. Right now though, I hear his excellency moving around and I need to go hide in my room right now before Gill notices. He has not been properly traumatized and deserves to pay some damn dues.
Thank you all for the wonderful bloggiversary wishes. Im glad to know and share with all of you!!!
- Watched a documentary about the dark side of chimpanzees on the National Geographic on Demand channel. Friends, Im scared. And you should be too.
- Also watched the "Last King of Scotland" on Tuesday night. Interesting movie.
- Can't help but notice the "sick and recovering" Turnip's similarities not only to Idi Amin but also to a band of deranged chimpanzees. Sort of like if you can imagine a delusional vicious power crazed chimpanzee despot who consumes baby monkeys out of pure malice? That would be the turnip these last few days.
- I want to share happy things friends. Right now though, I hear his excellency moving around and I need to go hide in my room right now before Gill notices. He has not been properly traumatized and deserves to pay some damn dues.
Thank you all for the wonderful bloggiversary wishes. Im glad to know and share with all of you!!!
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
The final sixteen (well fifteen)
Friends, you've been so patient. Im certain that every little bit you don't know about me tortures you night and day. I apologize.....
49. I cheated my way through three different typing classes without really learning to touch type. As it stands, I can type without looking but as soon as I think about it, I can’t do it anymore.
50. Although it is somewhat illogical, I made the realization this morning that although babies are good and Doritos are good, babies covered in Doritos cheese are gross.
51. I’ve been in therapy for ten years this fall and I still am completely amazed at what an idiot I can be.
52. I just rediscovered marshmallows covered in toasted coconut and they rock just as much as I remembered they did.
53. I am always suspect when a movie gets great reviews for being the “funniest movie of the season” when none of the trailers are funny at all.
54. If you add all the times Ive actually worn lipstick in my life together, at least half of those times involved me cleaning and finding a lipstick along the way.
55. I played corn hole for the first time of the season and once again realized that it STILL is a glaring metaphor for my life.
56. When I eat pizza, I rake off all the toppings and mop the extra sauce off.
57. I was a vegetarian for three horrific months in the mid 90s. I was so bitchy my supervisor BEGGED me to start eating meat again. I did. On Good Friday.
58. I am not crazy about dill pickles but I get them on sandwiches just so I can pick them off because I like the pickle flavoring.
59. I am the queen of snap judgments. Stupid little things can make me dislike someone. And Im generally wrong. I have a very dear co-worker friend who I despised at first because he did not fuss over my baby pictures when I met him. Turns out he was very overwhelmed as it was his first day. I still make him tell me how cute my children are on a regular basis though.
60. In my “break up letter” to my doctor, I ratted out the mean ladies on her staff. I feel good about it too.
61. I deliberately encourage mispronunciations in my children. I use the word “babbies” with the Turnip to talk about babies and tell Norm things happened before he was “boring”. (Come on people, its not worse than making them French kiss for my entertainment)
62. Although I love the show “My gym partner is a monkey” the main character, Adam Lyon is the whiniest, most annoying, entitled complainer I’ve seen on TV in a while. I think I watch just in case somehow he is mauled by the other animals.
63. I kind of wish I was not completely appalled by rats because they are fascinating and brilliant.
Now as my loyal readers may know already, tomorrow is my one year bloggiversary. Sooooo in honor of my very special day, YOU get to ask whatever question you want about me for the sixty fourth fact. I might not answer though :-)
49. I cheated my way through three different typing classes without really learning to touch type. As it stands, I can type without looking but as soon as I think about it, I can’t do it anymore.
50. Although it is somewhat illogical, I made the realization this morning that although babies are good and Doritos are good, babies covered in Doritos cheese are gross.
51. I’ve been in therapy for ten years this fall and I still am completely amazed at what an idiot I can be.
52. I just rediscovered marshmallows covered in toasted coconut and they rock just as much as I remembered they did.
53. I am always suspect when a movie gets great reviews for being the “funniest movie of the season” when none of the trailers are funny at all.
54. If you add all the times Ive actually worn lipstick in my life together, at least half of those times involved me cleaning and finding a lipstick along the way.
55. I played corn hole for the first time of the season and once again realized that it STILL is a glaring metaphor for my life.
56. When I eat pizza, I rake off all the toppings and mop the extra sauce off.
57. I was a vegetarian for three horrific months in the mid 90s. I was so bitchy my supervisor BEGGED me to start eating meat again. I did. On Good Friday.
58. I am not crazy about dill pickles but I get them on sandwiches just so I can pick them off because I like the pickle flavoring.
59. I am the queen of snap judgments. Stupid little things can make me dislike someone. And Im generally wrong. I have a very dear co-worker friend who I despised at first because he did not fuss over my baby pictures when I met him. Turns out he was very overwhelmed as it was his first day. I still make him tell me how cute my children are on a regular basis though.
60. In my “break up letter” to my doctor, I ratted out the mean ladies on her staff. I feel good about it too.
61. I deliberately encourage mispronunciations in my children. I use the word “babbies” with the Turnip to talk about babies and tell Norm things happened before he was “boring”. (Come on people, its not worse than making them French kiss for my entertainment)
62. Although I love the show “My gym partner is a monkey” the main character, Adam Lyon is the whiniest, most annoying, entitled complainer I’ve seen on TV in a while. I think I watch just in case somehow he is mauled by the other animals.
63. I kind of wish I was not completely appalled by rats because they are fascinating and brilliant.
Now as my loyal readers may know already, tomorrow is my one year bloggiversary. Sooooo in honor of my very special day, YOU get to ask whatever question you want about me for the sixty fourth fact. I might not answer though :-)
Im back
With apologies. And something to amuse yourself with while I work on my last 16 for my 64. I promise i will be a better blogger this week. On a positive note, I believe I made my bed every single day for a month...
Here is the first one (they are both stolen from the prolific Lina)
Am I arrogant much? Oh yes I am...
But on the positive side? Im filled with summery fresh goodness!
Here is the first one (they are both stolen from the prolific Lina)
Am I arrogant much? Oh yes I am...
Your Vocabulary Score: A+ |
 Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary! You must be quite an erudite person. |
But on the positive side? Im filled with summery fresh goodness!
| Your Scent is Strawberry |
 Fun, flirty, and fresh. You're a complete sweetheart that makes everyone smile! |
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Im a little alarmed
because I think I only scored this high because of my inordinate amount of non-perishables and my complete disregard for loved ones (which is actualy just realism when you think about it. How can any zombie attack not boil down to self-survival? The sooner we all realize that we can't save each other from the zombies, the longer we will all live)
57%
57%
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
An early tuesday multiple choice guessing game
The end of the fiscal year is five days away. You have made some progress on your notes but are not nearly done. You are attending clown camp every morning in addition to your regular schedule. (Did I tell you they are spelling it klown kamp? Probably not as this particular attempt at cutsie misspelling "triggers my sociopathy", as aunt gretty would say.) How do you handle your paperwork needs during your free time on the weekend? (choose all that might apply)
A: Sleep for an 18 hour stretch, thus allowing you to be up for 28 solid hours during which you may engage in the following:
B: Play Mah Jong for seven solid hours, goofing off yes, but at least the files are open in the event of an experience of unexpected motivation.
C: Clean and attempt to detail the car after two and half years of abuse and neglect because "it really needs done".
D: Actually write the notes.
If you guessed D? You need to be slapped. Since I cant rightly do that, Im sending you back to re-read this entire blog. You can take the test over again for half credit.
A: Sleep for an 18 hour stretch, thus allowing you to be up for 28 solid hours during which you may engage in the following:
B: Play Mah Jong for seven solid hours, goofing off yes, but at least the files are open in the event of an experience of unexpected motivation.
C: Clean and attempt to detail the car after two and half years of abuse and neglect because "it really needs done".
D: Actually write the notes.
If you guessed D? You need to be slapped. Since I cant rightly do that, Im sending you back to re-read this entire blog. You can take the test over again for half credit.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
sixty four (part three)
It takes a long time to find sixty four things Ive never told you folks about:
33. I picked a fight with my psychiatrist this week. I won. Hint: If you ever want your medication upped and your psychiatrist won’t do it? Pick a fight.
34. I also got dissed by the clowns who will be running next week's clown camp. I think they were jealous.
35. The best sentence I heard this week was: “Maybe German clowns don’t wear underwear.”
36. I. LOVE. MY. DOG.
37. I don’t think I like the woman who sets appointments at my new doctor’s office. She seems a little mean.
38. I am joining a kickball team in the fall and I am BEYOND excited about it.
39. For the first time in my entire life I said the phrase “When I clean tonight, it will make me feel better.” I’m cleaning to make myself feel better now. And still, I continue to make my bed.
40. Gret and I solved an impossible problem tonight using our own brawn and brains. I felt extremely empowered after this happened.
41. The concept of the “forever” stamp boggles my mind.
42. Despite the clown dissing, I still managed to wangle my way into clown camp every single day next week. I will woo the clowns back. Im sure of it.
43. I found the most alarming insect-ish like creature in my bathtub last night. No make that this morning at 3am. I almost shit myself. (Fortunately I was on the toilet) It had an inordinate number of legs, but less than a hundred. I just saw another one in my garage a few minutes ago. I am kind of freaking out.
44. After finding this alarming creature, I could not go back to sleep and have the creepy crawlies even still.
45. Psychological breakthroughs are very draining sometimes.
46. I love Perry Mason but I hate every single minute the jackass who played Laura’s husband on Little House On The Prairie is on screen. I have no idea why he is a romantic lead. He is gross and sexist and stupid.
47. I think Im going to buy a pool and surprise Gill. (It needs to be a surprise since he does not know how much he wants a pool yet) Im sure he is going to be very happy.
48. I like pie.
33. I picked a fight with my psychiatrist this week. I won. Hint: If you ever want your medication upped and your psychiatrist won’t do it? Pick a fight.
34. I also got dissed by the clowns who will be running next week's clown camp. I think they were jealous.
35. The best sentence I heard this week was: “Maybe German clowns don’t wear underwear.”
36. I. LOVE. MY. DOG.
37. I don’t think I like the woman who sets appointments at my new doctor’s office. She seems a little mean.
38. I am joining a kickball team in the fall and I am BEYOND excited about it.
39. For the first time in my entire life I said the phrase “When I clean tonight, it will make me feel better.” I’m cleaning to make myself feel better now. And still, I continue to make my bed.
40. Gret and I solved an impossible problem tonight using our own brawn and brains. I felt extremely empowered after this happened.
41. The concept of the “forever” stamp boggles my mind.
42. Despite the clown dissing, I still managed to wangle my way into clown camp every single day next week. I will woo the clowns back. Im sure of it.
43. I found the most alarming insect-ish like creature in my bathtub last night. No make that this morning at 3am. I almost shit myself. (Fortunately I was on the toilet) It had an inordinate number of legs, but less than a hundred. I just saw another one in my garage a few minutes ago. I am kind of freaking out.
44. After finding this alarming creature, I could not go back to sleep and have the creepy crawlies even still.
45. Psychological breakthroughs are very draining sometimes.
46. I love Perry Mason but I hate every single minute the jackass who played Laura’s husband on Little House On The Prairie is on screen. I have no idea why he is a romantic lead. He is gross and sexist and stupid.
47. I think Im going to buy a pool and surprise Gill. (It needs to be a surprise since he does not know how much he wants a pool yet) Im sure he is going to be very happy.
48. I like pie.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
i think its because ive mentioned bewbies.
Stolen directly from the woman who hides her smut well at Polyopia and indirectly from the teasingly naughty Ms. Trix :
Im proud to be restricted to children under 17. Makes me feel dirty in a very good way!
Mingle2 - Free Online Dating
Im proud to be restricted to children under 17. Makes me feel dirty in a very good way!
Monday, June 18, 2007
sixty four (part two)
Ok folks, here are the next sixteen. Did I ever tell you folks that I have the most kind and indulgent readers on the planet here at my blog? You guys rule for humoring me like this!
17. I knew how to read by the age of two. I read like a fiend until after college. Now i dont have time but I still love a good book.
18. When I was thirteen, my mother put me on diet pills. As a result, I became super moody, lost all my friends, and never slept (which in turn led me to know by heart almost every song from the spring and summer of 1984).
19. Im so clumsy and chaotic that my friends used to say my native american name was "One who grapples with her physical surroundings".
20. When something goes wrong in the car, I try very hard to ignore it and hope it gets better. This includes but is not limited to turning the radio up loudly so I dont hear bad noises. You'd be surprised how often the car does seem to heal itself.
21. I don’t really care for corn flakes. I don’t like how they get soggy. Thus, I don’t like frosted flakes either since the milk washes the frosting off and you really just end up with soggy cornflakes at the end.
22. I’m a HORRIFIC trash talker when I play games. Norm will not play board games with Gill and me together because of the last time we played chutes and ladders….I can say no more.
23. The only make-up I wear consistently is eye liner. I feel naked without it.
24. For some reason, buying tissues for my home always seemed like a complete extravagance. About two years ago, I actually priced them and realized that I could probably afford to spend the twelve bucks a year and bring the luxury home to my family.
25. I never wanted a horse. Even as a little girl, I was not that interested in horses.
26. I was voted employee of the month two years into my first job. I was such a slacker that they changed the policy after this happened because management wanted to communicate that “employee of the month shouldn’t be a popularity contest”.
27. I was robbed at gunpoint at my second job. (it was a convenience store) I didn’t think it bothered me but had nightmares for years afterwards.
28. I keep noticing these lines underneath my eyes. I keep meaning to figure out what they are but then I forget about them as soon as Im not looking in the mirror anymore. They aren’t quite wrinkles. I actually don’t know what the hell they are.
29. The Turnip’s middle name is Aloysius.
30. Despite the fact that my bedroom is completely dark and our large dresser is in front of the only window, I actually prefer to have doors and windows open in the summer. Central air makes me feel Howard Hughes-ish and not in a good way.
31. I am terrified of becoming one of those middle aged women who have heinous hair and make up but somehow still think they are stylish. If Im going to be hideous looking, I don’t want to put any effort into creating some horrific caricature of myself through hair styling and make up.
32. I am going to take a shower right now.
17. I knew how to read by the age of two. I read like a fiend until after college. Now i dont have time but I still love a good book.
18. When I was thirteen, my mother put me on diet pills. As a result, I became super moody, lost all my friends, and never slept (which in turn led me to know by heart almost every song from the spring and summer of 1984).
19. Im so clumsy and chaotic that my friends used to say my native american name was "One who grapples with her physical surroundings".
20. When something goes wrong in the car, I try very hard to ignore it and hope it gets better. This includes but is not limited to turning the radio up loudly so I dont hear bad noises. You'd be surprised how often the car does seem to heal itself.
21. I don’t really care for corn flakes. I don’t like how they get soggy. Thus, I don’t like frosted flakes either since the milk washes the frosting off and you really just end up with soggy cornflakes at the end.
22. I’m a HORRIFIC trash talker when I play games. Norm will not play board games with Gill and me together because of the last time we played chutes and ladders….I can say no more.
23. The only make-up I wear consistently is eye liner. I feel naked without it.
24. For some reason, buying tissues for my home always seemed like a complete extravagance. About two years ago, I actually priced them and realized that I could probably afford to spend the twelve bucks a year and bring the luxury home to my family.
25. I never wanted a horse. Even as a little girl, I was not that interested in horses.
26. I was voted employee of the month two years into my first job. I was such a slacker that they changed the policy after this happened because management wanted to communicate that “employee of the month shouldn’t be a popularity contest”.
27. I was robbed at gunpoint at my second job. (it was a convenience store) I didn’t think it bothered me but had nightmares for years afterwards.
28. I keep noticing these lines underneath my eyes. I keep meaning to figure out what they are but then I forget about them as soon as Im not looking in the mirror anymore. They aren’t quite wrinkles. I actually don’t know what the hell they are.
29. The Turnip’s middle name is Aloysius.
30. Despite the fact that my bedroom is completely dark and our large dresser is in front of the only window, I actually prefer to have doors and windows open in the summer. Central air makes me feel Howard Hughes-ish and not in a good way.
31. I am terrified of becoming one of those middle aged women who have heinous hair and make up but somehow still think they are stylish. If Im going to be hideous looking, I don’t want to put any effort into creating some horrific caricature of myself through hair styling and make up.
32. I am going to take a shower right now.
Im a crappy daughter
There were a lot of good Dad (and anti dad) posts in my blogs this weekend and I have the rockinest dad ever and i should have posted good things about him. He is kind of hard to explain on paper though! Think retired truck driver who works at a golf course. He is crusty but a total cream puff for his kids. (particularly his only daughter) I need to make a list about my dad. Ill get to that right after I finish my sixty four. In my defense, we did have him over for dinner and actually watched the last hour of the US open with him. (yes the only time i watch sports is with my dad. See? Im not such an awful daughter!) I did however re-read his card after he opened it and was mortified because it was a lot lamer than i remembered when i bought it. He disagreed and told me it was very sweet and gave me a big hug. See? Awesome dad!
Ok just wanted to make sure everyone knows my dad totally rocks.
Ok just wanted to make sure everyone knows my dad totally rocks.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Sixty Four
My good friend Crawlspace (whose bloggy insanity keeps me youthful and refreshed) laid a smack down challenge by tagging me back 8 times for 8 random facts. Granted, crawlspace is quite easily distracted (not to mention his 8 random facts were a narrative of smashing a bug in his living room) so Im certain Id never be held to this challenge, but how the hell can I pass up the opportunity to share sixty four delightful tidbits of ME??? Oh I couldnt do that to you dear readers. I will present 3 sets of 16 however, to maintain your attention and focus throughout the facts. (you never know when I might pirate the idea of the lovely and creative Ms. Trix and throw a pop quiz at you!) The rules are I am not tagging anyone for this. I understand that not many of you are this delighted with yourself to this degree of self-absorption. Ok enough preamble. Lets move on to ME!
1. I seldom if ever use phonebooks.
2. My handwriting is atrocious. It is small and illegible. If I write bigger, my scrawl starts to resemble the the type of print you see in psychotic abduction notes. I type whenever I can.
3. I made my bed five days in a row this week. That is more consistent bedmaking than Ive done in my entire life.
4. My insecurity about leaving my children to have "grown up time" is growing unmanageable. Im finally realizing that.
5. Ive recently developed an unhealthy affinity for cream filled donuts. I never cared for donuts until recently. Why it couldnt be bran flakes or vegetables i don't know.
6. I think I have an ear infection. I am afraid to seek treatment because of the breaking up with my doctor issue.
7. I only get my hair cut about three times a year. Unfortunately its obvious.
8. I've purchased three shovels within the past week. Ive also purchased lime and dried blood. Im trying to decide whether the creepy part of gardening is exciting me more than it should be.
9. Deliberately misspelled to be unusual names piss me off. Not variations but deliberate misspellings make me psychotically angry.
10. I cannot drink directly out of glasses in restaurants. There must be a straw is involved.
11. Along the same lines, I could give you more details on this but I will summarize by saying I am NOT fun to wait on in a restaurant because of my "high needs" but Im pleasant and a good tipper.
12. Im realizing that I sound a lot like this guy:
13. I recently psychosomatically created the symptoms of what I thought end stage diabetes would be in terms of my extremities. As soon as I learned my idea of the symptomology was not accurate the symptoms disappeared.
14. Along the same lines, even though I have a difficulty time with disfigurement, as soon as I find out a missing limb is related to diabetes, the particular limb (or lack thereof) becomes an exception to my limb (or lack thereof) aversion problem.
15. During foreign movies, Gill and I read the subtitles out loud in goofy accents at home. We do not have the attention span to do this throughout the movie nor the guts to do it at the theater.
16. I talk incessantly throughout movies. Imagine MST3k . (but probably not as funny except in my own mind).
1. I seldom if ever use phonebooks.
2. My handwriting is atrocious. It is small and illegible. If I write bigger, my scrawl starts to resemble the the type of print you see in psychotic abduction notes. I type whenever I can.
3. I made my bed five days in a row this week. That is more consistent bedmaking than Ive done in my entire life.
4. My insecurity about leaving my children to have "grown up time" is growing unmanageable. Im finally realizing that.
5. Ive recently developed an unhealthy affinity for cream filled donuts. I never cared for donuts until recently. Why it couldnt be bran flakes or vegetables i don't know.
6. I think I have an ear infection. I am afraid to seek treatment because of the breaking up with my doctor issue.
7. I only get my hair cut about three times a year. Unfortunately its obvious.
8. I've purchased three shovels within the past week. Ive also purchased lime and dried blood. Im trying to decide whether the creepy part of gardening is exciting me more than it should be.
9. Deliberately misspelled to be unusual names piss me off. Not variations but deliberate misspellings make me psychotically angry.
10. I cannot drink directly out of glasses in restaurants. There must be a straw is involved.
11. Along the same lines, I could give you more details on this but I will summarize by saying I am NOT fun to wait on in a restaurant because of my "high needs" but Im pleasant and a good tipper.
12. Im realizing that I sound a lot like this guy:
13. I recently psychosomatically created the symptoms of what I thought end stage diabetes would be in terms of my extremities. As soon as I learned my idea of the symptomology was not accurate the symptoms disappeared.
14. Along the same lines, even though I have a difficulty time with disfigurement, as soon as I find out a missing limb is related to diabetes, the particular limb (or lack thereof) becomes an exception to my limb (or lack thereof) aversion problem.
15. During foreign movies, Gill and I read the subtitles out loud in goofy accents at home. We do not have the attention span to do this throughout the movie nor the guts to do it at the theater.
16. I talk incessantly throughout movies. Imagine MST3k . (but probably not as funny except in my own mind).
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Thursday Thirteen: Wal-Mart: The Evil Empire
My nephew referred to it as such this afternoon and I was very proud. I dedicate this to our blissfully foreign Lina, who did not know what Wal-Mart is.
1. Here is a good article that sums up the evil badness in a global sense.
2. Other evil empire characteristics include stomping out small businesses everywhere they go, locking employees in the store after closing and forbidding them to leave until closing duties are finished OFF THE CLOCK and making gobs of money off the sweat and blood of third world children.
3. Loyal Wal-mart shoppers often tend to be "rednecks". (but there are exceptions, especially in areas that do not have targets)(next week our TT will be about target)Do you know what a "redneck" is Lina? I won't go into the history or etymology of the word, but I will offer a generalized sketch of the characteristics of a red neck. Red necks tend to be largely uneducated. They may exhibit racist and sexist behaviors although it is fairly common to hear a red neck make statements like "I ain't a racist." and then offer a completely racist defense of their racist behaviors. Makes no sense to you? Ohhh you'd have to hear it to believe it.
For some reason, red necks tend to be prouder of and more open about their sexism. Red necks often make bold statements about social issues both locally and globally. These statements are largely ignorant in nature and seldom reflect any real knowledge of the issue being discussed. Red necks seem to be particularly fond of NASCAR racing and staged wrestling matches involving characters that are actually caricatures of different aspects of the redneck personality. Ive noticed that these folks tend to be proud of their ignorance. (please note: there are several fine people that like NASCAR and wrestling that are NOT rednecks). The best quote I found about rednecks is this one: , "They rebel against acting respectable, embracing this counterculture hero—the 'redneck' who is what he is, and doesn't give a damn what anybody thinks." -James C. Cobb (a professor of redneck studies maybe?)
4.As you may gather from that last quote, rednecks are not the politest, most pleasant people to shop with. Sometimes, they also have an offensive odor, because as you also might infer, a person who "doesn't give a damn what anybody thinks" and "rebels against acting respectable" does not tend to make polite social intercourse or personal hygiene high priority.
5. The lines at Wal-mart are likely to be super long and move slowly. I attribute this to the defeated morale of the cashiers and workers.
6. Wal-marts usually sell anything you'd find in a department store. The prices are often competitive which is the draw for folks like me. I hold fast to the ideal that one day i will be rich enough to make the stand to never shop there again.
7. Even now, I do try to avoid wal-mart unless I absolutely cannot (It is a 24 hour store). They unfortunately have diapers that cost almost half the price of other places so they have me by the short hairs (so to speak).
8. It is very rare to have a pleasant trip to wal-mart. If you are not insulted by a fellow customer, (either verbally or through the affront of smell) you will have to look freaking everywhere to find what you want, and you will have to stand in line for an unreasonable amount of time only to be greeted by a surly underpaid cashier who will screw up the transaction at least fifty percent of the time. This will result in the need to call a supervisor.
9. Apparently one of the qualifications of being a Wal-Mart supervisor is that you must be able to steadfastly ignore calls from cashiers asking you to fix their mistakes.
10. The rare friendly cashier tends to be mentally unstable and/or extremely emotionally needy. I once had a cashier start crying during our transaction (it was a lengthy one) about her autistic son.
11. The Superwal-marts (department store and grocery) are designed to be as inconvenient as possible. No matter what two items you need, they are most likely located a football field away from each other. (wal-marts are very big).
12. The automotive department offers oil and tire changes. Our local wal-mart is well known for substandard and shafty service.
13. In sum, to me (and many others) wal-mart is a teeming metaphor of everything that is going wrong in america. The fact that you don't know what a wal-mart is gives me hope Lina.
1. Here is a good article that sums up the evil badness in a global sense.
2. Other evil empire characteristics include stomping out small businesses everywhere they go, locking employees in the store after closing and forbidding them to leave until closing duties are finished OFF THE CLOCK and making gobs of money off the sweat and blood of third world children.
3. Loyal Wal-mart shoppers often tend to be "rednecks". (but there are exceptions, especially in areas that do not have targets)(next week our TT will be about target)Do you know what a "redneck" is Lina? I won't go into the history or etymology of the word, but I will offer a generalized sketch of the characteristics of a red neck. Red necks tend to be largely uneducated. They may exhibit racist and sexist behaviors although it is fairly common to hear a red neck make statements like "I ain't a racist." and then offer a completely racist defense of their racist behaviors. Makes no sense to you? Ohhh you'd have to hear it to believe it.
For some reason, red necks tend to be prouder of and more open about their sexism. Red necks often make bold statements about social issues both locally and globally. These statements are largely ignorant in nature and seldom reflect any real knowledge of the issue being discussed. Red necks seem to be particularly fond of NASCAR racing and staged wrestling matches involving characters that are actually caricatures of different aspects of the redneck personality. Ive noticed that these folks tend to be proud of their ignorance. (please note: there are several fine people that like NASCAR and wrestling that are NOT rednecks). The best quote I found about rednecks is this one: , "They rebel against acting respectable, embracing this counterculture hero—the 'redneck' who is what he is, and doesn't give a damn what anybody thinks." -James C. Cobb (a professor of redneck studies maybe?)
4.As you may gather from that last quote, rednecks are not the politest, most pleasant people to shop with. Sometimes, they also have an offensive odor, because as you also might infer, a person who "doesn't give a damn what anybody thinks" and "rebels against acting respectable" does not tend to make polite social intercourse or personal hygiene high priority.
5. The lines at Wal-mart are likely to be super long and move slowly. I attribute this to the defeated morale of the cashiers and workers.
6. Wal-marts usually sell anything you'd find in a department store. The prices are often competitive which is the draw for folks like me. I hold fast to the ideal that one day i will be rich enough to make the stand to never shop there again.
7. Even now, I do try to avoid wal-mart unless I absolutely cannot (It is a 24 hour store). They unfortunately have diapers that cost almost half the price of other places so they have me by the short hairs (so to speak).
8. It is very rare to have a pleasant trip to wal-mart. If you are not insulted by a fellow customer, (either verbally or through the affront of smell) you will have to look freaking everywhere to find what you want, and you will have to stand in line for an unreasonable amount of time only to be greeted by a surly underpaid cashier who will screw up the transaction at least fifty percent of the time. This will result in the need to call a supervisor.
9. Apparently one of the qualifications of being a Wal-Mart supervisor is that you must be able to steadfastly ignore calls from cashiers asking you to fix their mistakes.
10. The rare friendly cashier tends to be mentally unstable and/or extremely emotionally needy. I once had a cashier start crying during our transaction (it was a lengthy one) about her autistic son.
11. The Superwal-marts (department store and grocery) are designed to be as inconvenient as possible. No matter what two items you need, they are most likely located a football field away from each other. (wal-marts are very big).
12. The automotive department offers oil and tire changes. Our local wal-mart is well known for substandard and shafty service.
13. In sum, to me (and many others) wal-mart is a teeming metaphor of everything that is going wrong in america. The fact that you don't know what a wal-mart is gives me hope Lina.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
damm blogger
Ok I forgot to tag and blogger will not recognize changes in editing right now. In reparation, I offer a bonus fact: Gill has a variety of alarms set in different tones on his cell phone. They start at 530am and end when he finally gets up. Sometimes, I have a little fantasy that Im stabbing him repeatedly or hitting him wiht a baseball bat and the alarms are my soundtrack. Please friends. You know I love the man intensely madly and deeply, but who does not see that as justifiable homicide?
onto the tags: Im exempting my newer readers from being tagged to give them time to learn to grow to love this blog to the point that they will feel no more than mild annoyance when i tag them at some point in the future. For my regulars: Im sorry if you dont do me-mes. (well Not that sorry). Ash tagged half my people already and gretty snagged even more!
1. Every blogger's darlin' Pippajo
2. The delightfully snarkalicious Lisa
3. The always entertaining Crawlspace
4. The crown prince of dorkdom Zigzagman
5. The one and only Mistress of the Dark Andrea
6. The hippest of all the suburban white guys Xavier Onassis
7. The man who defines cynical bastardry himeself Jay
and last but NEVER EVER least
8. The decadently delightful blogoriffic pleasure that is Ms. Trix
onto the tags: Im exempting my newer readers from being tagged to give them time to learn to grow to love this blog to the point that they will feel no more than mild annoyance when i tag them at some point in the future. For my regulars: Im sorry if you dont do me-mes. (well Not that sorry). Ash tagged half my people already and gretty snagged even more!
1. Every blogger's darlin' Pippajo
2. The delightfully snarkalicious Lisa
3. The always entertaining Crawlspace
4. The crown prince of dorkdom Zigzagman
5. The one and only Mistress of the Dark Andrea
6. The hippest of all the suburban white guys Xavier Onassis
7. The man who defines cynical bastardry himeself Jay
and last but NEVER EVER least
8. The decadently delightful blogoriffic pleasure that is Ms. Trix
Live blog wednesday
Hey folks, Gret had a family emergency (nope, not telling, go to her blog for clues)so Im working from home until about three. Why not live blog? How do I propose to do this? Well by herding the need freaks outside the second the turnip wakes up. Yeah he is still asleep. Miracle? Not so much...more like he was up from 430am to 630 am. Why? You might ask? Or I hope you do ask so I can show you this:
This is what happened while i went to the bathroom at 330am. It is bit blurry so allow me to explain. On the very left side of the picture you will see Gill. Yes I do believe he is hanging on to the edge of the bed. He is covered with the mauve sheet and the cream patterned comforter. Norm is the yellow mass that is perpendicular to him. What is the bright light? You might think its the lamp but I think its actually the beatific glow from this face:
So how does this little late night logistical problem involve the turnip? Who is the only person in our house to sleep where he is supposed to sleep? Well, I decided to seek out another bed. The only made bed was in the turnip's room. And of course somewhere in the back of his subconscious, he sensed the presence of mommy. Within minutes he was standing in his crib screaming....and so we were up from 430 to 630. Ok Im going to work a bit, then i will reward us all by attempting an explanation of the culture of wal-mart for our across-the-pond correspondent Lina.
Just a bit longer, Miss Lina. Now its time for Embed-a-me-me!
My darlingest of ashes tagged me.
Here are the rules:
I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
1. I have very long toes. I like to think of them as Piano playing toes. I use them to pick things up. I think of them as lithe and sexy.
2. I secretly believe Gill screws with my mind way more than he will ever admit. I think he exploits my chaotic disorganization for his own gratification. On one level its frustrating but its also kind of an interesting challenge.
3. I do not generally yell at my children. And NEVER in anger. (this is not restraint. this is a sign of me being completely whipped by them)
4. My bedroom is almost completely clean right now. Ive made the bed for three days in a row. This is the first time in my adult life that I made the bed three days in a row.
5. In terms of personal limitations, I have no trouble dealing with mental illness or delays. I can even deal with the biological side effects involved in lack of body function control. My personal limitation is that I am embarrassingly alarmed when I notice a person with missing limbs or extremities. I become obsessed by the limb and its presence in our dynamic. I worry about the karmic implications of this constantly.
6. Ive solved my lack of sexual fantasy problem: Andy Garcia. I dont know how I forgot him in the line up. (Thanks for the suggestions folks, but andy was already in the bull pen by that night. I will keep your recommendations in mind for future reference though!)
7. I will never dye my hair blond no matter how much Id be tempted because my mother dyes her hair (or did before she disowned us!) and i could not stand the comparison.
8. I think about Ash a lot more than she realizes. I feel guilty about not being more available and hope she knows that it is not from a lack of love!
ok I must take a shower before the training...
8.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Monday Musings
- Our bank account was pirated yet again. Someone pilfered Gill's debit number and made three $900 purchases at three different Wal-Marts in the metropolitan areas of Phoenix, Arizona. I just wrote and deleted a page of all the things that piss me off in relation to the situation, but it was too angry for a monday musing. Instead, let us ponder this: why one would just go to Wal-mart if one felt one had unlimited funding? At least the last guy who ripped us off had some imagination. He bought first class plane tickets from london to ireland. I never respected him until mr. Identity Stealing Wal-Mart Shopping Mediocre Fuck Up came along. I had no idea Mr. Continental was adding such a sense of class to identity theft until now. MISWMSMFU also made a 25 dollar purchase at jack in the box. Could he make our stolen identities more white trash? (not that i dont enjoy a jack in the box meal when circumstances warrant, mind you) The more I think about it, the more I just want to beat the shit out of this guy. Not even because he stole our money, but because he is so tacky in how he is spending it. I mean seriously, if you are going to spend 27 hundred bucks at wal-mart, you cant buy a pair of fucking khakis and a polo and take the little lady to a nice restaurant for once? Jack Ass.
-Today is my grammy's birthday. She would have been 87. We went to the cemetery and left a balloon on her stone. Which was admittedly chintzy but I felt a bit cornered what with the screw in vases and cemetery protocol (which is way beyond my scope of understanding). As we were pulling in, we noticed a sign stating "we have niches". Anybody know what a niche is? Should I buy grammy one? I dont want her not to have one if the rest of the dead people are getting them. I already feel bad enough about the vase. Grammy would have been pissed about the identity theft. She thinks we are way too careless with our money.
-Sometimes NPR really creeps me the fuck out. I shall say no more.
- Have I mentioned that I think Ive passed into a new stage of social-emotional development? Yes friends, it's Generativity vs. self-absorption. I sprung the good news on Gill the other day. He asked how intimacy vs. isolation worked out for me. There was an awkward silence. Honestly though? A five year old sleeps in our bed right now so while Im leaning towards isolation, I cant offer a truly informed answer at this point. Upon reflection however, it could be that my chronic and deep seated self absorption is presenting as isolation. Go me in stage seven!
- I need a good sexual fantasy crush. (Gill if you’re reading this, I mean beyond the obviously mind and body shattering sexual reality you create for me). I was crushing on Mike Logan from law and order for a while (NOT Chris Noth; Mike Logan) but that’s kind of petered out. Johnny Depp is still on the A-list of course but he hasn’t sparked anything new lately. Anybody have ideas?
- Gretty is blogging again. You should go see her.
That’s enough musing for one day.
-Today is my grammy's birthday. She would have been 87. We went to the cemetery and left a balloon on her stone. Which was admittedly chintzy but I felt a bit cornered what with the screw in vases and cemetery protocol (which is way beyond my scope of understanding). As we were pulling in, we noticed a sign stating "we have niches". Anybody know what a niche is? Should I buy grammy one? I dont want her not to have one if the rest of the dead people are getting them. I already feel bad enough about the vase. Grammy would have been pissed about the identity theft. She thinks we are way too careless with our money.
-Sometimes NPR really creeps me the fuck out. I shall say no more.
- Have I mentioned that I think Ive passed into a new stage of social-emotional development? Yes friends, it's Generativity vs. self-absorption. I sprung the good news on Gill the other day. He asked how intimacy vs. isolation worked out for me. There was an awkward silence. Honestly though? A five year old sleeps in our bed right now so while Im leaning towards isolation, I cant offer a truly informed answer at this point. Upon reflection however, it could be that my chronic and deep seated self absorption is presenting as isolation. Go me in stage seven!
- I need a good sexual fantasy crush. (Gill if you’re reading this, I mean beyond the obviously mind and body shattering sexual reality you create for me). I was crushing on Mike Logan from law and order for a while (NOT Chris Noth; Mike Logan) but that’s kind of petered out. Johnny Depp is still on the A-list of course but he hasn’t sparked anything new lately. Anybody have ideas?
- Gretty is blogging again. You should go see her.
That’s enough musing for one day.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Quiztastic Sunday: Not just for quizzes anymore!
Stolen from the Sweetly Snarkalicious Lisa, this is a fun little meme where you go to Unconscious Mutterings and copy the ten words listed on sunday, then you list the first thing that comes to your mind....
There is your little glimpse into the mind of Crse
And now for the quizzes:
With a happy anniversary bow and wish to my soul twin of blogging jennfactor:
Ok I swear to god they switched questions because I took this test once and then lost my post and the first time? I GOT MOTHER THERESA!!!! (I kind of feared that might have been a little inaccurate since my first reaction was “in your face motherfuckers, I got MOTHER THERESA”) But Im completely a pacifist. And I don’t like to watch people get hurt. I swear they never asked me this!
But in taking this quiz, I found this one!
Hehehe, this is more to my liking….now let me make you an offer you cant refuse….
Ok here is another from the all things quiztastic Jenn!
Ciao Bella! Now that’s what I’m talking about!
- Acoustic :: unplugged
- Sanity :: Med check!
- Mambo :: Johnny
- Session :: cornhole
- Hound :: tooth
- Cat :: lady
- Coward :: confrontation
- Trunk :: dirty
- Hold me :: Theresss Bearsss!
- Psychological :: Report
There is your little glimpse into the mind of Crse
And now for the quizzes:
With a happy anniversary bow and wish to my soul twin of blogging jennfactor:
Ok I swear to god they switched questions because I took this test once and then lost my post and the first time? I GOT MOTHER THERESA!!!! (I kind of feared that might have been a little inaccurate since my first reaction was “in your face motherfuckers, I got MOTHER THERESA”) But Im completely a pacifist. And I don’t like to watch people get hurt. I swear they never asked me this!
But in taking this quiz, I found this one!
Hehehe, this is more to my liking….now let me make you an offer you cant refuse….
Ok here is another from the all things quiztastic Jenn!
| You Should Date An Italian! |
 You love for old fashioned romance, with an old fashioned guy An Italian guy is the perfect candidate to be your prince charming If your head doesn't spin enough, just down another espresso with him Invest in a motorcycle helmet - and some carb blocker for all that pasta! |
Ciao Bella! Now that’s what I’m talking about!
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Thirteen random things Im willing to share today:
1. I have to break up with my doctor. Im very sad about this. We've been together for almost 8 years. And truly, its not her, its me. (well and her staff...mean bitter old ladies) You see, I've turned our relationship into a web of lies. I could say more but it would be degrading for both of us. Suffice it to say that I dont think we can ever go back to how it was. Plus she is 40 minutes away which sucks when I have to drag my sorry sick ass in.
2. Week two of ten year old contact lens is not going well. Im starting to get freaked out. Ive changed solutions and followed gret's and Madame Fabu's advice to the letter but it still takes me a half an hour to get the contacts in and I still feel the white hot holy hell pain when I finally get them in.My eyes are in a constant state of feeling pickled. I did make an eye appointment for tomorrow......!
3. Im reading a Norman Mailer book. Im a little ashamed about this. In my defense it's the new one about Adolf Hitler and gill bought it for me as a surprise. It has become a full blown guilty pleasure.
4. Do you know that I LOVE summer? I mean LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT. The hotter the better. The heat that makes people sick? Is my favorite thing in the whole freaking world. Today was 93. I was in heaven.
5. I love my father dearly. Without question or condition. He is taking Norm for a haircut tomorrow and i fear that a buzz cut is inevitable. I love my father dearly. Without question or condition.
6. Tomorrow is landscaping decision day for the panflutemaster house. There very well could be a throw down. Ill keep you posted.
7. Do you know that Im prettier than the queen of trash? Its true. Norm said so.
8. Debra Messing is in a mini-series called "starter wife". The previews for this show make me want to slit my throat.
9. Did you ever have a conversation with a person that was so bizarre you were positive he was having (or just had) a stroke? Whats hard about such a conversation is when the "stroke" person's wife is sitting there acting like everything is making sense. A lot of my job is like that.
10. This whole trans fat thing is a scam isnt it? Its kind of like saying "buy our chips! They are completely arsenic free!"
11. Will I ever mature to the point that I wont snicker when someone mentions the planet "uranus"?
12. Although I completely support non-gender role based play activities, it is not socially acceptable for a sixth grade boy to crochet in school. I wish it were. But it is not. That is all I can say for now.
13. In case you ever wondered about the spelling and grammar errors? Im not a complete idiot. I just dont edit my posts until well after you've noticed my mistakes.
Ok folks its a no frills thursday thirteen! Thanks for playing...
1. I have to break up with my doctor. Im very sad about this. We've been together for almost 8 years. And truly, its not her, its me. (well and her staff...mean bitter old ladies) You see, I've turned our relationship into a web of lies. I could say more but it would be degrading for both of us. Suffice it to say that I dont think we can ever go back to how it was. Plus she is 40 minutes away which sucks when I have to drag my sorry sick ass in.
2. Week two of ten year old contact lens is not going well. Im starting to get freaked out. Ive changed solutions and followed gret's and Madame Fabu's advice to the letter but it still takes me a half an hour to get the contacts in and I still feel the white hot holy hell pain when I finally get them in.My eyes are in a constant state of feeling pickled. I did make an eye appointment for tomorrow......!
3. Im reading a Norman Mailer book. Im a little ashamed about this. In my defense it's the new one about Adolf Hitler and gill bought it for me as a surprise. It has become a full blown guilty pleasure.
4. Do you know that I LOVE summer? I mean LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT. The hotter the better. The heat that makes people sick? Is my favorite thing in the whole freaking world. Today was 93. I was in heaven.
5. I love my father dearly. Without question or condition. He is taking Norm for a haircut tomorrow and i fear that a buzz cut is inevitable. I love my father dearly. Without question or condition.
6. Tomorrow is landscaping decision day for the panflutemaster house. There very well could be a throw down. Ill keep you posted.
7. Do you know that Im prettier than the queen of trash? Its true. Norm said so.
8. Debra Messing is in a mini-series called "starter wife". The previews for this show make me want to slit my throat.
9. Did you ever have a conversation with a person that was so bizarre you were positive he was having (or just had) a stroke? Whats hard about such a conversation is when the "stroke" person's wife is sitting there acting like everything is making sense. A lot of my job is like that.
10. This whole trans fat thing is a scam isnt it? Its kind of like saying "buy our chips! They are completely arsenic free!"
11. Will I ever mature to the point that I wont snicker when someone mentions the planet "uranus"?
12. Although I completely support non-gender role based play activities, it is not socially acceptable for a sixth grade boy to crochet in school. I wish it were. But it is not. That is all I can say for now.
13. In case you ever wondered about the spelling and grammar errors? Im not a complete idiot. I just dont edit my posts until well after you've noticed my mistakes.
Ok folks its a no frills thursday thirteen! Thanks for playing...
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
soul cleansing confession
Friends, you may or may not have noticed but Ive been trying to find a more honest voice on my blog. Admittedly, I write this blog for entertainment purposes only so I have tended to stay away (for the most part) from controversial topics. Sometimes, however, things hit a little too close to home. Or beloved friends (real time and blog) will say things that make me feel like I should speak up. Like I am a fraud for not sharing what I believe with the blogoverse. Particularly when certain topics come up with other folks. I hide behind my denial of who I am. I cant do that anymore friends.
I realize Im taking a great risk here and I recognize that I might be alienating more than one of you. Please friends, try to remember, i am still the same crse you've known for the past eleven months. And we can talk about it. Im finally realizing that I am only as sick as my secret,(and no, in case you are wondering, it is not that Ive ti-voed the republican debate, Im actually pretty comfortable with that) so no matter what happens, I know I am free now...
(deep breath)
i like clowns.
Whoa....I feel like a huge load has been lifted off me! Before you start judging, let me just clarify. Im not a proponent of creepy middle aged male clowns who ask little kids to sit on their laps. But I do like them. To the point that (as a very select few of you know) (madame fabu and luckybuzz may be alone on this but Im not sure) I often talk in private moments about dropping out of life and running away to clown college. I dont need the little bike or the squirting flower, but damn Id love to know how to make those animal balloons. And when you think about it, as creepy as adults may find clowns to be, little kids generally cheer up when a clown comes into the picture. (Unless they cry hysterically, but Id never be a pushy clown)I wouldnt want to be part of a circus because of some personal moral opposition to circuses in general, but Id love to work parties. Or be like a telegram clown. Ok since we are being honest, I probably would be into learning to drive the little bike.
I understand John Wayne Gacy and the movie IT did a lot to undermine the social acceptability of clowns, but seriously is that fair?
To address John Wayne Gacy, I find this extremely biased. We do not judge men in casts or on crutches because Ted Bundy faked physical limitations. And the boston strangler. Do you hear people villifying gas meter readers because of his behaviors? I think not.
As for the movie IT. Now Stephen King did a lot of scary assed shit. Still you dont see people in nurseries or greenhouses freaking out over bonsai. (granted, bonsai scare the shit out of me) Or really big drooly dogs because of Cujo. So why are we singling out IT?
Want to know what i think? Its CHARACTERISM. For some unknown reason, our culture decided that clowns need to be feared and shunned. Its just not ok for grown ups to like (or want to be) clowns. Dammit, people! Its not right! What if people did this to santa? Or the easter bunny? (although id be on board with that one, since bunnies creep me out anyway). And what about leprechauns? Now lets lay it out on the table here. Leprechauns are the scariest little mother fuckers youd ever want to not cross paths with. But every march we just worship those little green demons. IT. IS. WRONG.
Anyway, I bring this up now because in a few weeks Im attending a clown therapy training and out of the 125 participants, I am the only one excited about this training. Excited? Friends Im freaking GIDDY. But I cant tell people that, because clowns are bad and scary. Not anymore people. Not on this blog.
ILL SAY IT ONCE AND ILL SAY IT LOUD
I LOVE THEM CLOWNS AND IM NOT PROUD
Sunday, June 03, 2007
I heart Mike Gravel
I am so mad at myself for not liveblogging the new hampshire debate. This is my fantasy football people. Here are candidate reviews so far: Please feel free to voice your opinions but this is a rudeness free blog so do so politely or Im going to
-Joe Biden (Delaware Senator): Ach. I dont know. Politically, he's fine but he just doesnt speak to me. If I am going to be honest, it's because in my late teens I experienced some confusion about The 80s Supreme Judice Nominee Robert Bork and Joe Biden. This went on for an embarrassingly long time (well till about three months ago) Is it a legitimate reason to oppose this guy? Well..no. But can I vote for him without getting a case of the willies? Well..no.
-Hilary Clinton (oh come on, we all know Hillary): Now this is probably not a popular viewpoint, but I have to be honest, Im missing the big "hillary is evil" smoking gun here. People I respect are telling me that she is a monster and her election would be a tragedy but I look and look and I cant figure out where that is happen. I do worry because she is a woman and I dont think Joe Q. Wife-beatin' Nosepickin' America is going to vote a woman into office. So friends, feel free to tell me why not Hillary. Im open!
-Chris Dodd (Connecticut Senator): Im sorry buddy but that hair is far too Newt Gingrich to get my vote. Uh did you say something mr. Dodd? I missed it. Your hair was giving me flashbacks.....
-John Edwards (Former North Carolina Senator): Ok not a big fan in 04. Because why does nobody ever bring up that he has the same name as the cross-over guy? Because that scares the hell out of me. Not the name coincidence but that nobody says anything. Why does nobody say anything? It reeks of cover-up to me friends. Plus, he reminds me of the plastic faced evil candidate in those political thriller movies. Tonight, he was just bitchy. I dont want a bitchy plastic faced plausibly evil president with dubious connections to "the other side".
-Mike Gravel (hasnt apparently seen political action SINCE I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD! from alaska): I LOVE THIS GUY. How could you not love a guy who discusses his "meds" during a president debate? And i love how he was like "Yeah getting my meds works out fine for me." And he talks about serving in the Korean War. Which was almost 60 years ago. Thats fucking awesome. My absolute favorite though? Was his proclamation that just because the rest of the candidates who haven't gotten us out of Iraq are morally bankrupt, it doesn't mean they are not good people! Seriously, he is radically pro so many things Im radically pro. I may just drop out of my life and join his campaign just to hang out and hear what he says everyday.
-Dennis Kuchinich (Ohio Congressman): In all the political "who is your true president?" quizzes, he is at the top for me. And thats outside of the fact that he is the "favorite son" of the liberals in my area. Is he my favorite candidate politically? Yes. Am I voting for him? Well...I dont know. Why not? Two words. Ralph Nader. I dont like the fact that he is too far out there to win, but we cant afford another 8 years of punishment. On the other hand, if I can stomach the republican nomination, I may do it anyway, just to make the statement that more americans are looking for kucinich-like policies. We know he will not win but the fact that he is up there on that stage gives me hope because he is a walking reminder that this brand of politics cannot be ignored. Also, was that tall red head his wife? WOW.
-Barrack Obama (Illinois Senator): He was my guy going in. But when it comes down to it, it turns out he has some "scare the hell out of me" positions. He wants to renew Patriot Act. Yikes. He doesnt support replacing US Troops with UN Troops nor does he support an immediate withdrawal.
-Bill Richardson (New Mexico Governor): I really liked him! He seemed like he had a lot more to say but honestly, he seemed like the most likable candidate. And dammit, after all this time, don't americans deserve a huggable president?
If I had to vote today? Hillary.
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