Monday, May 14, 2007


Friends, I again apologize for the tardiness of the post but I had a fun filled fabu weekend. It was madame's birthday on saturday and hi-jinx were to be had all around. It was also my dear Lucy's birthday! I will tell tales of the weekend at a later date (and I still owe you Madame's kidney stone tale). Here are field trip highlights!

- Took Norm on a late night shopping pre-field trip spree. It was awesome! Again, I felt like I was twelve....

-As we gathered at the loading site Displaced Worker (who needs another nickname but give me time) informs me to watch out for the smelly lady who would be chaperoning the trip. She suggested that if I saw her coming, buddy up quickly.

-We boarded the bus, and I was crapping my pants because smelly lady was directly behind me. My perfect storm wanted to sit with Ted and her teacher so I dove into a seat with a little boy from PS's classroom who has not yet been named in the Cast of Characters because he was actually hospitalized during my little visits to the classroom last week. We shall call him "Richard".

-Richard's worker offered to trade seats with me but she was still standing up and I couldnt risk being placed next to smelly lady in a last minute shuffle, so I asked if I could remain in the seat to manage PS's behavior as she was right across the aisle from me.

-Smelly lady sat down right in front of me. Senor and Madame Fabu asked me to describe Smelly Lady's smell. I can best describe it as a cross between old BO, unwashed dishes and very cheap perfume. And damn did it permeate.

-The trip to the stadium was uneventful as Richard was still apparently HIGHLY medicated from his hospital stay. At least this is the reason Im giving for the fact that he refused to speak to or look at me.

- Aside from the smelliness, the one other drawback was that the entire fourth grade (these are typical children now, not the emotional support kids) decided to start singing songs. First they did team songs. Then they did Happy Birthday and the Alphabet. Then, they sang a John Denver song ("country roads take me home?") in its entirety. The first verse and then the second verse. Thankfully as Im incredulously wondering how the hell the entire fourth grade knows this song, the slightly metrosexual tall teacher in the front made them stop.

-Perfect Storm did great until we got to the stadium. It took her about three minutes flat to decide that she had little if any desire to listen to anyone except for Ted and Richard (did I mention she apparently got into a fist fight with Richard the day before?) who as you can imagine were not the ultimate role models.

-The tour lasted an hour and forty five minutes. Our tour director was a man named Lou, who was a cross between Ernest Borgnine and Ed Asner. Perfect Storm was fine with Lou in theory but this did not stop her from interrupting him three times during the tour and almost getting us removed from the stadium each time.

-About fifteen minutes into the tour I decided it might be helpful to tell her that every inappropriate behavior she engaged in was already described by Lou as being unlucky and if she continued the behavior, I would tell the whole class it was her fault if they lost. Lou did describe that stepping on the dressing room carpet was unlucky and I just ran with it. It worked for about the next half hour.

-The day got progressively worse in terms of PS behavior. On the other hand, I could hardly blame her as I started whining myself after the first hour of the tour. I think our low-point would have been when we were all crammed into the visiting owner's suite and Smelly Lady's odor just made it impossible to breathe. At that point, I was ready to start disrupting the tour myself.

- Lunch was a somber affair as we had to sit on cement steps in the sun. Finally, we got loaded on the bus for home. We were assigned to our same seats. Let me tell you, an afternoon in the sun did NOT help Smelly Lady's aroma at all. I did not breathe out of my nose for over an hour. Interestingly, it was not till later that night, that Senor Fabu made the connection that smelly lady was smelly boy's mother. ALl day, I never made the smelly connection although it was right there in front of me.

-On the ride home, Perfect Storm stood up on her seat twice. Pete placed a plastic bag over his head and Richard attempted to climb out of the bus window. My favorite part of the ride however, was when PS had her butt sticking in the air and farted on a fourth grade teacher that had been shunning us all day. I didnt want to laugh out loud but at that point, it was just too late.

The rest of the day is kind of a blur as I didnt waste time immersing myself in a good vodka soaking once I got home. But thats what birthday celebrations are supposed to be! More soon friends ok?


The Mistress of the Dark said...

Smelly lady is someone I definitely don't ever want to be around..for some odd reason I think I can smell her from hear.


Pippajo said...

Smelly people just boggle my mind. Do they seriously not know? Is it possible they suffer from some malady that makes it impossible to control? Do they just not care? Daria had the misfortune of having a roommate who was rather odiferous. She and another friend referred to it in code as "The Offense". Really, how could you not know? You'd tell me, right?

luckybuzz said...

Ugh, I need a vodka soaking just reading that. You are a brave woman.

Factor 10 said...

We get smelly people in the office alot, and it's one reason I am grateful for the plexiglas spitshield. The lobby is very small and the afternoon heat concentrates it much like I imagine the bus did.
Eye watering in the 110 degree summers!

Mrs.ZigZagMan said...

oh please! come work with me... we have smells at the hospital that will make smelly lady seem sweet....wait.. OMG I think i took care of her once......and dont you just love that old Er tv show episode where they literally HOSE down the old drunk?

Mert said...

Oh my, the smelly ones... You know, the brain does turn off the olfactory senses to strong smells after long periods of time. They really can;t smell themselves (including people who wear WAYYYYY too much cologne). I feel for you. In my home town, there were people who didn't have indoor plumbing. LARGE people with lots of nooks and crannies, coming to my register at the grocery store.

Those were the days I about snort Lysol just to get the smell out of my nose. Maybe that's why I have trouble remembering things?;)

Sounds like a day worth drowning in vodka to em!