Wednesday, November 14, 2007

For Sega

Today is my anniversary.(well for the next 25 minutes it is) I bet you think I am breaking my week long fall off the nanoblowme month (or whatever the hell it is that i need to seek remotivation for) wagon to wax poetic about my beloved spouse. Well...no. Although I did empty the trash for him today. (Happy Anniversary Honey!) In reality so far our only present to each other is a hardcover bargain book about corrupt popes in history. (and our mutual giddiness about this book might explain why we are paired so well) Its been 13 years, we have two small needy children and its a damn wednesday today so I really got nothing for him here besides a little shout out of love and a half hearted promise not to kill him by the end of november (because seriously? If you are half of a dual income family and you have two small and incredibly needy children, why would you not try to WRITE A FUCKING NOVEL DURING THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER???? Because god knows the EIGHT CHILDLESS VIDEO GAME FILLED NOVEMBERS we shared before all this did not provide ample opportunity to explore this. Nope. We must find the most absolutely inconvenient stage of our family's life and then commit to setting extremely unrealistic goals about writing so we can make our family miserable for 30 days either through neglecting them or whining about not writing when we are with them) (Happy anniversary honey).

Forgive the digression. I have been gone. I am not catching up on blogs yet. I am sort of back i think though. Tonight however, i am here for Sega. Who saved our collective asses this week during a sort of surprise audit from the state. Shall I continue? Perhaps through bulletted form.

* Stardate: Monday Nov. 12, 2007:1214pm: Get the call from Lonnie Manko that begins with, "Ok dont freak out. Well...you are probably going to freak out but you need to understand this is actually a compliment." Basically, the gist was that I was selected as part of a list of folks who were VOLUNTARILY offered to the auditor for review!

* Now friends, I don't want you to be mistaken about my response. Lonnie was right. It was not only a compliment it was a total leap of freaking faith for several reasons including but not limited to the fact that my paperwork skills have been compared to those of a small nesting rodent and the fact that during the mock audit I defied all odds by not only finding all of the common auditor traps and falling right into them but also trapping myself in awkward and inappropriate monologues.

* I may have already told you this but for the above reasons, I was actively seeking ADA status for my attention disability. I was hoping this type of status would protect the agency from being shut down in case I did encounter an auditor.

* So needless to say, I completely did freak and I did what any logical person would do faced with possible scrutiny of my clinical and administrative skills. Reviewed my paperwork Studied standard of care guidelines I CLEANED MY CAR!!! And boy didn't it look spiffy at the end.

* I will spare you blow by blow descriptions of the following twenty four hours but here are some highlights.

* I broke the cord off my laptop before I could access any of the information Ive been hoarding on my hard drive that should have already been in the chart.

* I spent about forty five minutes being lambasted by Gill for my 112 dollar mistake.

* I ate a lot of bad food.

* I realized that the 13th would be the 3rd anniversary of my mother's breaking up with us. Spent time trying to figure out the half-life of the relationship to see when I could say I was "over" her. I think i have fourteen years still but i could be wrong...

* I spent time researching information about any possible injury I could inflict upon myself that would not hurt too badly but still guarantee admission into the hospital.

* I spoke to my friend Andy who offered to a) make sure our client was "not available" or b) slip the auditor some aquadots that she had bought before the recall and had not yet returned. She figured we could tell the guy that he slept through the whole session but we would keep his little "problem" a secret. Yes of course this made me feel better.

* I did review the chart. I printed out a bunch of necessary stuff. And left it at home.

* I commiserated with Sega who is so organized and auditor friendly that she was actually my personal chart manager in preparation for an audit a few years back. I was relieved to find out that she was also terrified and had indeed cleaned her car as well!

* I imagined every stupid thing I could possibly say in front of the auditor.

* I panicked for thirty minutes about the fact that the chosen case involves a client's mother who hugs me when she sees me. I like that she hugs me. I was terrified about the implications.

* I comforted myself by inflating the importance of the clean car and fantasizing about how impressed the auditor would be with my orderliness.

* I found and wore my badge. Unfortunately, it did repeatedly flip to the backside causing Andy to speculate that I was actually trying to mask a cosco card as my Employee ID.

* I slept four hours and had nightmares the entire time.

In the end, Sega was the chosen one and friends, she was a rock star. The rest of us on the list tried not to put pressure on her to convince the auditor that nobody else would need to be seen after she had done her magic. Our friend L Pow-Yung offered to tongue kiss her if she got us out of it. I did too but it was decided that I would have done it anyway and that couldn't really count as a bribe. She had a beautiful chart and answers for everything. She wooed the auditor on the ride-along and pretty much took the bullet for the team. We passed with compliments! All told, Sega was not interested in our tongue kisses and was gracious about taking the hit for us. But she did tell me she missed my blogging so friends, this one is for her!

And to further celebrate her contribution I am going to try to resume my post a day commitment. Here is the problem friends. I feel so damn guilty if I dont read all my blogs, comment on them, and reply to all of your comments. I cant keep up so I just avoid. (yeah yeah yeah its a metaphor for my life..whatever) Im going to try something new friends. Im just going to do my best to stay posted. I will try to catch up slowly on my blogs but it's going to take time. I do want to say that I don't have an order so if you see that ive not gotten to yours, don't take it personally. I just go down the list and the list is not in order! Ok thanks for your patience friends. Happy Ides of November!

11 comments:

Factor 10 said...

My dearest CRSE,
I think blogging is supposed to EASE stress and be a wee escape from our nesting rodent-like paperwork skills. There's no guilt, baby!
The whole commenting thing? I had to stop doing Thursday 13's (even though I think that's how I found you), because there are very few blogs I feel compelled to comment on, and someone has frequently beaten me to it when I do wanna deal with word verifications.

Blog because it's fun, and do it when YOU want to! We'll be here.

And tell Sega I'll slip her some tongue, too, because auditors have cold clammy hands and no humor whatsoever. If your auditor had a sense of humor, I'll slip THEM some tongue, too.

ZigZagMan said...

Buddy..I've said it before...and I'll say it again..........while it may be true not to take advice from people more fucked up than you...never EVER take advice from people who have never been fucked up!! :)

Like a non/not ever been a drinker...preaching to an AA meeting!! :)

Maggie said...

What factor 10 said: there's no guilt here. Only love. Because you're awesome and we need you in our lives. However, I am resigned to sharing you with your family at least a little bit.

Jay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jay said...

Hey ... how come you haven't been over to my blog yet??

Kidding .. I'm kidding!! LOL

I'm going to be gone the whole week of Thanksgiving. I think that that even my blog wants me to take time off and leave it alone for a week or so.

I'm going to go clean my car now.

Lisa said...

I am just so damn glad you are back! I missed you terribly. And don't take it personally, you know, that I am now believing that no one wants to read my postings and ramblings every day just because you haven't left a comment! tee hee (because I'm not and why would you even think that anyway??)

Just be you, funny, goofy, snarky, you on your blog whenever you find time and your adoring fans will be more than happy.

WELCOME BACK!!

Pippajo said...

Okay, if anybody understands, it's me! You just take your time and go easy on yourself.

And congratulations on surviving the audit!

Lucy said...

Welcome back! I'm wondering if we might procure those aquadots for Christmas Eve? I've been wanting to slip Sugar Grammy a mickey for years now, but I don't actually know how or from whom I can acquire a mickey... but now that you have a connection...

crse said...

You guys simply rock.

Jen- you have no idea how validating this was.

Zig- Amen brother

Maggie May- right back atcha baby. The part about you being awesome and needing you!

Jay- your blog and I need some time alone. Thats why she is sending you away.

Lisa-I miss you baby. You know I will have to comment on every missed post when I get back!

Pippa- I knew you'd have my back! Thanks baby!

Lucy, Bonsai would be extremely proud of you for many reasons.

Ash said...

That was exhausting. I will nap for you!

Stinkbait Boucher said...

Hmm. I believe I've commented on this post twice now and my ramblings have seemingly been eaten.

I can't remember what I said as I was likely jacked up on the strong stuff but I'm confident that it was supportive if not even some of my best work.

I think it was along the lines of "it's good to see you back at the wheel."