Saturday, November 17, 2007

The Secret: And how it changed my family

Well friends. Two days and im off the wagon. But hey. Im gonna keep trying. So today's installment is about our life-changing evening tonight. I never suspected that when Gill came home last night with the DVD "The Secret" (thankfully he borrowed it) (From a fellow at work who was rumored to be hired in the same position Gill is doing at roughly ten thousand more dollars a year)(Needless to say, Gill thought perhaps there might be a connection between this little turn of events and "the secret"). How was that for a parenthetical cluster?

Anyway, as well you can imagine, (or maybe you cannot) I am somewhat cynical about any "life secret" that is being sold in DVD form and has been featured on Oprah. Don't get me wrong friends. I love Oprah. Who does not love Oprah? But seriously? Dr. Phil, A million little pieces (or whatever that scam was), Jenny McCarthy and most importantly lest we forget...the Tom Cruise couch jumping incident? Still, Gill asks so little of me(mostly because he prefers the naggy bitch approach to getting me to do stuff)so tonight we all sat down together and watched "The Secret".

I want to begin my review with something positive. I really do. Ok, so yes, I do believe in the Law of Attraction. It's called positive thinking. I know that term is probably foreign to most of you who haven't bought the DVD. Thats because those of us who have "The Secret" have been trying to keep it from you for two thousand years. Because nobody could expect a person to pick up a fucking religious text or study the life of someone who has made a significant difference in humanity or even see a therapist who might clue them into "The Secret". Is this woman serious? Am I some sort of emotional health elitist who just assumed people were not so idiotic as to need to pay 30 bucks to find out that negative thinking breeds negativity? Alright so its not what you'd call a fair and balanced review. Let me try again.

It was kind of funny. Funny is good. Each section would show a written title and some sort of truism in print (calligraphy or some other FANCY PRINT). Then there would be a whispered voice over reading the truism aloud. I really enjoyed that. So much so that I cant wait for an opportunity to start whispering really obvious statements loudly to Gill during conversations. And the music totally had a 700 club "mystical experience: I talked to Jesus" feel about it. I liked that a lot.

We spent a lot of time during the DVD explaining to Norm that much of what they were saying was true. You do need to trust the universe. You need to have an attitude of gratitude. And you always get what you want. These are messages we are trying to impart upon him anyway, but we needed to tease out the whole "and its some huge mystery nobody ever wanted you to know". I think Norm really appreciated this.

In sum, our family decided that the Turnip is already living "The Secret". Which is why we are constantly being forced to watch "melmo on demand" or suffer the dire consequences of a Turnip scorned. Norm then decided he is going to make "The Secret" work for him. To practice, we spent the rest of the evening placing demands and staring pointedly in silence at each other just to see what would happen. Periodically the Turnip would hit one of us, which of course is what we attracted to ourselves. I am sad to say that Norm appears to have gotten more of his sense of humor from his father as he was not even slightly amused when I noted that we want to be hit every time the little maniac philosopher hits us.

In all honesty, I could go on at length about my concerns about a society that is being bilked into believe basic mental health is a "secret that has travelled through the ages". I could also rant about my disgust on several different levels. But the bottom line is "The Secret" makes me realize that I could easily drive my family completely insane for the sake of my own amusement. How can that not be a gift worthy of 29.95 plus shipping and handling?


RockDog said...

I've got the secret to a great life...of which I will sell today for the special low price of only $19.69!

Because I like you...$18.69!


Maggie said...

You know, I admire you for being able to watch it and appreciate it for what it is.

This was, by the way, the exact same way I felt about "The Rules." Remember those? The basic message was: If you want to attract a man, don't be a clingy desperate weirdo nervous wreck about it. Not exactly headline news, but it made those ladies millions.

gretty said...

Go Turnip! The world is yours to bitch slap!

Factor 10 said...

The Secret is something the Ex has been trying to foist off on me for months. If I could figure out how to get his body TO the landfill, I think I could totally pull it off...

He was very prone to anything shown on latenight tv, and towards the ugly end, I made him send back THREE get rich quick schemes he'd fallen for. Fucking moron.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

My 14 year-old secret:

"Dude. You have no idea how retarded you look right now." she said.
"And that's funny?" I asked.
"Yeah." she said.
"You mean 'retarded' like 'ah shit, that retarded guy just sneezed on my fries' or 'retarded' like 'I need to put that on YouTube because it's so retarded' retarded?" I tried to clarify.
"What?" she asked.
"You said I was a retard." I replied. "I'm just trying to frame the whole thing."
"I didn't say you were a retard." she argued, "I said that you looked retarded. There's totally a difference."
"What's the difference?" I pressed.
"I don't know!" she answered animatedly. "Language maybe? I don't know. You're just such a dork!"
"And that's funny?" I asked.
"Yeah." she said. "That's funny."
"So being retarded is funny?" I chided. "That's hateful and mean. You get that from your mother."
"That's not what I said." she defended. "And you're being retarded again, by the way."

The secret lies in raising our children to be as cynical as we are.

Cynical children don't watch Oprah. Cynical children don't buy DVDs full of numb. Unless it's to make fun of them. Which is cool.

Pippajo said...

Ahem...since you asked? I do not love Oprah. In fact, I loathe her.

Her involvement was the only reason I needed to stay far, far away from The Secret. Just seeing her makes me huff, "Bitch, PLEASE!"

The Mistress of the Dark said...

I can't stand Oprah...

that is all..

Anonymous said...

I will not comment on the secret... as you know, I have my own. I just want to say thanks for the donuts & the shout out! I am having a hard time working without motivation to check your blog. And for the record, I puckered for L Pow-Yung, & was rejected feeling used for my freakish auditing skills. Throw me a bone, it’s only Monday!!!

Lisa said...

Hey girly ... I am a big advocate of the "Law of Attraction" (which Wayne Dyer was talking about many years ago) but I couldn't get through The Secret (I have it on audio). Totally inane. I understand that they had to find a way to introduce it to a wider audience but just EWW.

And you know what? I really, really don't like Oprah. (Or George Clooney but that's another topic for another time.) I will tend to run in the other direction from ANYthing she recommends. In general, she's probably doing more good than harm, but I'm just not down with the messianic complex thingy she's got going on.

So, bottom line, the LOA works but it needs to be understood in a different light than how TS puts it out there.

Glad you are back posting! I missed you.

luckybuzz said...

I don't like Oprah either. And I somehow managed to escape ever hearing about this whole "secret" thing...but it reminds me of that whole Celestine Prophecy debacle in a way that kind of makes me want to hurl. (That would be, in case you couldn't tell, my Most Hated Book Ever. For similar reasons, I think.)

Lucy said...

Funny. As. Hell. I once, in an act of friendship, sat through The Secret. I believe I could literally feel my IQ dropping. And yes, I've read many, many books by many, many people who talked about the law of attraction. The Secret is quantum physics for Oprah-heads (BTW, Opti-fast, need I say more).

ZigZagMan said...

Buddy.......for the love of all things holy...and healthy & Teller's Bullshit!!

this will help you and your family in more ways than can be imagined....and there are often bare boobies...which is good....:)