Because I have the best blog friends in the world....

Well friends, its been a dark day in the Panflutemaster house. Well a strange one anyway. Im not sure it's time to get into details....well...for several reasons. We are all ok though and are going to Arizona tomorrow for a week. So we have that going for us....Im sure I will have much to tell you from the land of dry heat but I had to take time to give a HUGE shout out to the grand mistress of dork for our VERY FIRST (un)official (not yet) licensed Dorkblogger PRODUCT!!! Jen...i smell a cottage industry sister! Thank you for brightening up a dark day my friend...

For Gill: I could not disappoint you.

Gill, you know if you saw this and I hadnt done it you would have been sorely disappointed (huhuhuhuh): Stolen directly from blogger buddy Canada

You Are Funky Panties

You're stylish, trendy, but not over the top. You know how to look good - without looking like you're trying too hard. Men think that you're cute, friendly, and approachable. And you've got a spunky, feisty side that comes out after a while!

What Kind of Panties Are You?

normart

Sunday night live blog

Well folks, another riveting sunday night as we find one more original way to put off writing case notes. Random liveblog slashes anyone? well don't mind if i do....

640pm- Gill is leaving for Fucking St. Mary's in a few minutes. I think he is very satisfied about his weekend. He got a lot of crse action (why am i compelled to blog about the crse action, yowza time lately? i think because of last week being valentine's day and that Jennfactor brought to light and reminded us all of the upcoming Steak and BJ day. Ahhh the holidays....makes you all warm and tingly inside.) Plus he reached nirvana yesterday morning when Norm shouted to him "Daddy you are making everyone sad and miserable!". Gill silently shouted the word "yes!" and punched the air in glee.

- Gill is now out the door. I can still hear his car pulling away and both kids are screaming apparently over a chair.

- Did you ever notice how incredibly butch sandy cheeks is on sponge bob? I mean im ok with that but id like to see it developed a bit more. Like perhaps sandy and Mr. Krab's daughter Pearl could hook up?

- Tonight is Oscar night. I think the only Oscar movie I saw this year was "Little Miss Sunshine" (which was freaking HILARIOUS). Did Pan's Labyrinth get nominated? Im guessing it did because there is no way my town would have brought it in other wise. Sadly we are a "movies ain't meant to be read, if i wanted to read id have got me a book" town. I have a particular Oscar crew i hang with on oscar night. I am sadly not going to be with them tonight. Because of FUCKING ST. MARYS.

ok here is a start.

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- 810pm- Sigh. This day has taken a surprising turn towards the demoralizing. I did not think that two small children could create so much destruction so quickly. I think this would be more of a testament to my own stupidity as opposed to the reality I face on a regular basis.

- Do you think its more helpful if I liveblog bottom up? Or top to bottom?

- Some very stressful things (of which i dare not speak) (ok it involves losing a VERY important thing but not my important thing) just happened. I feel empathically sick to my stomach.

- And the turnip just shit himself. Which is a pure act of malice. This child never shits at night. Its truly a punishment shit. I waaaannnnntttt Gillllllllll.....
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PSA

Folks, I apologize. The reason the thursday thirteen is final is because they are closing the "hub". Im frankly ok with that (as i like canada's explanation that after featuring me, they could only go down hehehe) and will continue to lists of thirteen on thursdays. I havent blogged for a few days because gill is home "on leave" plus its end of the month and im busy procrastinating my note writing. But Ill be back in all my glory in the next day or two!

Final TT for real hopefully

Thursday Thirteen Life Gratitudes I Could Have Never Imagined” 1. My husband. My goofy wonderful amazing perfect match of a husband. I assure you gentle readers that we all thought I would end up with an abusive ex-con with a hair trigger temper. (that was at the height of my prison pen pal phase) (KIDDING there wasn’t a prison pen pal phase) (it was internet based) (KIDDING KIDDING KIDDING) 2. These beautiful amazing smart well-adjusted boys. I had no idea someone like me make could make something so perfect! twice! 3. My career. I bitch about it I know but when I think about how great my job is sometimes I actually get scared. It is a perfect Crse job! I literally get paid to be me! (and do a bunch of other stuff) Plus, this job has brought me in contact with some truly amazing people. 4. My friends. Oh. My. God. Where do I begin? I have way more amazing friends than one person should have. God my friends rock. Thank you rockin’ friends thank you! (special little shout out to Erthy for providing possibilities of awesome entertainment to us that I didn’t get til Monday because I was off my phone and sleeping all day….LOVE YOU ERTHY!) 5. Gret- She deserves her own for getting me through the most difficult stage of parenthood so far. To be taken care of in the manner ive become accustomed and even just to tell stupid things like “I think we got a new mail man” (and she knows even as she tells me that I am just as excited as she is by this). Gret the universe made this happen to save my life this winter. I love you. Oh and also because you do things like this to the Turnip. 6. My house. Growing up I never had a vision of what my house would be. We didn’t find this house, it found us. It was only the fourth place we looked at and I knew before we walked in. I have never felt so at home in a place in my life. Even if it may be haunted by candy bar, camera, cell-phone, bank card stealing ghosts. Now if the damn mortgage company would just back off about the payments. 7. Digital cable. I know I talk a lot about ti-vo and that is next, but I never could have conceived of having so much information available to me all at once. It is truly mindblowing that I can find out at any given time exactly what I need to know about the weather, what happened in congress, or the status of the Anna Nicole Smith case. 8. Which of course brings up ti-vo. Now I did fantasize about ti-vo before it happened. In a sort of “jetsons” way. But when my dad gave it to us as a housewarming gift? I had NO IDEA how lifechanging it would be. As god as my witness I will never be ti-voless again. 9. Speaking of which? My dad! What a truly. Rockin. Guy. He is constantly amazing me with how many different inconceivable ways he saves my ass all the time. 10. The picture phone. First I thought it was a waste but stay tuned for more gratuitous picture photos. 11. The internet. The idea that I can be faced with any mystery or nagging question that can be answered in a few short minutes COMPLETELY blows my mind even still. It’s a trivia lover’s wet dream. 12. My blog. Did I ever think I was going to end up “knowing” such amazing cool people? Although Gret is right now threatening to parent block it so I get my paperwork done, I believe it enhances my life in a way I could never before perceive. 13. The Thursday Thirteen. Its time to say goodbye and send future TTs out alone in the universe but I thiank you Thursday Thirteen. For giving me an outlet for my narcissism while allowing me to voyeuristically peek into other people’s lives! Viva La TT!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Since you arent commenting on my blog..

Reduce my anxiety and go make a guess for me please? Its a Trixie pop quiz and she doesnt post the answer until ten people have guessed and I want to know RIGHT NOW! (i know its surprising for me because i love to guess. Blame the anxiety!

Because I give the people what they ask for

So as gret and I were discussing being the queens of bob evans (i needed to blog about that, the rudeness, the free meal, the altercation and the subsequent really long email to corporate) I realized i do sort of have that "noblesse oblige" thing going on. In spite of yet another high level anxiety day, complete with tears and low grade attacks and bloody noses from little boys way to young to have bloody noses, I owe my people funny. Or weird. Or something at least stabbing at the area of entertaining. I think we all feel a little better when we have a nice long laugh at me n'est pas? So thankfully, my new blogfriend (who is regional which is exciting!) Mistress of the Dark tagged me! I think ive done this before but really? Can we ever really know all the weird things there are to know about me? I like to think of myself as a cornicopia of weird. I cut and paste the rules. Because MOTD has rules on hers.

Rules: Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names

Ten Weird Things About CRSE:

1. I just spent approximately 25 minutes blowing through a straw into the face and hair of a nineteen month old. It just kept getting cuter and funnier.

2. I am completely inept at putting band-aids on myself or anyone else.

3. I am horrific at regulating the heater/air conditioner in my car. Im horrible at regulating temperature in general.

4. Im ridiculously obsessed with Rockdog's Kirby Carson story To the point that i think on my way home, oh i hope he wrote about kirby and not sue today. This is Rockdog's attempt at Judy Blume.

5. I just found out tonight that escarole is actually an edible lettuce acceptable in salads and not just a decoration lettuce. Apparently there is no such thing as decorator lettuce.

6. Ive been doing family work for so long that it is very hard for me to watch anything on television (true or fictional) involving families without analyzing their dynamics.

7. Im not rotating the vegetables in my refrigerator in an efficient manner. I realize this is going to go badly for me but the rotation task seems so overwhelming I just give in to the entropy of my fridge.

8. By the same token, buying fruit has become this weird exercise in futility. I buy the fruit. The fruit goes into the fridge and then it goes bad. Then either gretchen or dan throws it away and I forget that the whole cycle happened. So cognitively? For me it is: Buy fruit. Black hole. Buy Fruit. Black hole. over and over again.

9. There is a huge dresser vanity over the only window in our bedroom. We have always covered our bedroom windows in every place we live so we sleep better.

10. Slapstick comedy makes me highly uncomfortable.

ok now to tag six of you: Pippa, Canada, Jennfactor, Trix, Luckybuzz, and of course....crawlspace.

Me-me me people!

Bitch and Moan Monday...the crux of crabbiness

Does anyone even care about my whining anymore? No? Then click the damn x on the top of the page and move on.....still here? Ok you asked for it.

Today was the epitome of a bitch and moan monday friends. All things that make me crabby bundled into one day....

-I lost my bank card. Yes I retraced my steps. Alas, it has joined the ranks of my camera, my work cell, and all the rest of the cable remotes besides the ti-vo one (praise allah). Losing stuff kicks my compulsive behaviors into overdrive.

-The day. Ick. What a stinky stinky day. My worst day scenario triumvirate. Cold. Sunny. Dirty Snow.

- Tried unsuccessfully to convince the nice boy I supervise that i was too crabby and stinky to come out to see him today. He asked why I was stinky. I found this to be an odd question. Do we ever really know why we are stinky? I could have made some educated guesses but Im thinking he probably really hadnt thought about that question. There just couldnt be a pleasant answer to that question. Now maybe its me but if my supervisor said she was too crabby and stinky to see me, Id take the hint. No never mind. No I wouldnt. Im fairly certain Ive pressured Madame Fabu into such situations (although she has never reported nor have i experienced her being stinky). So I went anyway

- Ended up standing for a solid hour and a half observing little boys doing fun things after I specifically wore my tennis shoes so I could shoot baskets with said little boys. (Friends who know me in Real Time? take a minute and savor that image). Standing is hard. Standing hurts my back makes time go slow and makes me even crabbier.

-It was revealed to me today that iced cookie guy was trying to look down my shirt at the meeting last week. Now dont get me wrong friends, the girls are generally friendly and appreciate attention. Anyone else in that room could have snuck a peek at me girls and my response would have ranged between neutral and flattered. This however? Pissed me off filled me with a blind rage. I dont think i even need to mention the dollar because I think you all understand exactly why i felt so cheap.

- Stopped and got stress blizzards for all of us (Gret, the boys) on the way home. Not only did they not put on whipped cream but the french silk pie blizzard had funny tasting crust in it.

-All my waking moments are colored with a low grade chronic anxiety that i cannot seem to shake. Im also extremely sleepy. Abnormally sleepy.



-----------------------------------------------------------

Ok now for the positives..

-I am not really alone. Gret is here doing all this holding me together stuff. I could say so much more. I would be dead in the water without me gretty.

- Ash is having a ..... Im not telling you! Go find out for yourself, dangnabit!

-We have groceries again. Glorious and abundant cheese.

- I went to the bank today to write a check for cash since I have no bank card. I stopped in the parking lot, filled out the check, and got in the drive-thru line before I realized, hey! Its president's day! The bank is closed and I am screwed! BUT NO!! The bank WAS OPEN! I asked the cashier and she said that it was something they were trying this year and as far as she could tell, my bank was the only bank doing this in town. Like the universe gave my idiocy a small reprieve. Thank you universe.

-Gret reminded me of this website Although Ive been here before, I forgot about it and still laughed til it hurt. And that my friends, is what i will leave you with.

quiztastic monday

First from fellow dorkblogger mert. I dont think this really covers me besides the need for peace. Im pretty appreciated. My favorite miscall on this was "sensual self-restraint". Um...self-restraint is DEFINITELY not a point of strength for me...

crse took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from s..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

ok now for the other quizzes. Courtesy of blogtwin Jennfactor! Simpsons one? Ouch....

You Are Barney

You could have been an intellectual leader... Instead, your whole life is an homage to beer You will be remembered for: your beautiful singing voice and your burps Your life philosophy: "There's nothing like beer to give you that inflated sense of self-esteem."

The Simpsons Personality Test

Bittersweet Sunday

Ahhh...glorious sleep. Nothing gives a body fresh perspective like a lot of sleep. Some folks say you can have too much sleep? Friends? I ain't one of those folks! In fact even in these first few sentences Im thinking, heck! I think i might just type this post and head back in! Ok I stopped there and went back in. But it didnt take. (Norm lured me back out) So now we are sitting together watching the Avatar. Corn muffins in the oven. Eatin' licorice. Here are some dash slash weekend highlights.

-GILL IS HOME. For five more hours. I know what you are thinking. What am I doing talking to you folks when I should be soaking up the essense of gill. Well I am doing both! Have I told you folks how absolutely adorable Gill is? ahhhhh....

-Slept in bliss for a good part of yesterday. Odd dreams but sooo rested! (although suddenly Im not quite sure there isnt more sleep in me. Must...finish...post!)

-Had a great little dissertation distraction with our own Luckybuzz.

-Went to movies and dinner with me man. Saw Pan's Labyrinth. Dark. Interesting. Glad we saw it.

-Had serious deep conversations with Gill. Making me fall in love with him all over again.

-Came home and profusely thanked Gretty until we got distracted by the new episode of "Ned's Declassified". We think she left shortly after this. If she was disgusted by us, we sadly did not notice.

-Intermittent yowza time throughout the night. Yowza!

-Snuggled on the couch and watch "The Birds".

-Went to bed at 2am. Happy. Content. Sleepy.

-Now it is Sunday. Four hours left. First report was he would be staying away now until the project was done. Desperate negotiations have hopefully earned me the 29 hour reprieve once a week. F-ing st. mary's.....

ok sorry if this was too gooey. Back to sleep...

Why have I not died as a result of my own stupidity?

I lost my keys last night. Normal occurrence for most folks, yes. How i lost them? Is why Im a Dorkblogger During the cabin fever hell yesterday, I went outside and opened the trunk. Put the keys in my pocket when I went back inside. Ok if I forgot about them? That would be fine. But I didnt forget friends. No I did not. Instead I thought no less than six times during the day, "man its a bad idea to leave these keys in my pocket" and then proceeded to ignore myself. I believe I may have even called myself an idiot for letting them be out of place because as we know my tracking/survival skills are not what youd call....refined. Instead, I waited until six o clock at night right before plow guy showed up. I decided to change out of shorts (thinking it might be a little insulting to open the door in shorts to greet a man whod been trekking through snow all day) and remembered the keys. I remembered a huge sense of "OH GOD DO NOT LOSE YOUR KEYS" Then nothing. My domestic goddess gretty (who gets infinite thank yous for digging us out of our chaos today! I LOVE me that gretty!) spent the entire day looking. Seconds after she left, I went into my bedroom and re-enacted putting my pants on. Sure enough, they were under a pile of clothes on the dresser. Because that is where they stopped the second I forgot about them. SOME DAYS I HATE MY BRAIN!!! (AND I LB I THINK I MIGHT NOT JUST BE ANNOYED WITH IT, I THINK I REALLY DO HATE IT) But all's well that ends well....

In other news, Gretty found eggs and Iced Cookie Guy dodged ANOTHER money collection for next week's chinese food at the meeting. The good news is my people have decided to throw an en masse temper tantrum if he tries to eat without paying. A real old-fashioned gang and shame! Ill keep you posted!

Finally a shout out to my blogcrush Trixie who did her very own Thursday Thirteen today! As one of her devoted stalkers? I can tell you it is a delightful read, so go give Trixie a love up ok?

Thursday Thirteen 26

Thursday Thirteen Symptoms of the Cabin Fever From the Snow Storm

1. “mommy you just relax and go to sleep and im going to trash the rest of the house.” (This is a DIRECT QUOTE)

2. Hand to Hand Poop Transfer. (by both boys today)

3. My compulsive need to offer myself up to the natural selection process. Only three eggs left? Oh no we wont make something we can stretch out. We will scramble them! And hey, why don’t we have some chocolate milk for snack. We still have a few glasses left…

4. My Valentine’s fantasy: Committing the perfect crime to get myself put in jail so I could have adult contact and be able to sleep at night. Gill got a little nervous when he heard the fantasy had elaborated itself to the point where I planned a way to bitch myself to the biggest bull in prison, thus securing safety and privilege in the prison pecking order. (Think this is idle worry? See number 3 for a recap of my survival skills).

5. He also became nervous when I offered to have buttsex with him, his boss or the weird slightly autistic guy at the plant in St. Mary’s if it would get him home sooner. (ok in my defense this was completely contextual. Not a random offer...)

6. Apparently my Blanche DuBois “Ahve always depended on the kahndness of strangahs” philosophy does not pan out in terms of magic plow fairies showing up. Couple this with not even owning a snow shovel or a PHONE BOOK to look up snow removal services and you can imagine the complications.

7. “Mommy, I need to slap both your cheeks to see if they make different sounds.” (Thank you Drake and Josh)

8. Im an educated professional adult. The grilled cheese should have never been such a struggle.

9. “Remember when I puked today?” Uh no? “Well I did on my bedroom floor but I didn’t tell you because I don’t understand you and you don’t understand me. So I thought I would wait to tell you.”

10. This.The picture I see countless times each day before the turnip shuts my work down on my fingers and giggles maniacally. (yes, I know. This was pre-mullet.)

11. Did you know that you can see the same episodes of Spongebob, Jimmy Neutron, Drake and Josh and Fairly Oddparents several times in one day? How the hell many times do I have to see Josh and Mindy break up this week? Because Im up to four.

12. There was a torn apart couch in the family room that I ignored for a few days.
When I made it over there today, I found two pairs of my socks, a pacifier (the turnip has not used a pacifier in at least a year) several sippy cups, and a huge amount of junk. Oh and dog puke on the cushions. I cleaned up the dog puke and the sippy cups, took the pair of socks I knew Id wear and pushed it all back under the cushions. And the worst part is? I don’t even care.

13. Hey there mr. snow plow guy showing up at 6pm. Don’t you judge me for the way I dress my kid. He threw on the Scooby doo t-shirt and camo shorts expressly for your benefit. We were perfectly happy being naked here. Now take your 25 bucks and be gone.

Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Canada
Snarkypants
Ash In Wonderland
Dorkbloggers
Using My Powers For Good




Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

the sunny valentine post

Ok seriously. Im not gritting my teeth when i smile here. Yes, I did abruptly abandon the liveblog yesterday (much like those creepy cabins in the woods that are totally deserted with all the food still on the table, a calendar from like ten years ago and cobwebs). Yes my reasons for abandoning were similarly horrific. Yes things are still rather dark here on the homestead. But you will read all about that in my thursday thirteen. Because it is valentine's day. And I have a lot of things to be grateful for today so Im going to list them.

-These kids. These kids who are slowly and deliberately pushing me towards committing some kind of crime against society just so i can go to jail and trade this madness for three hots and a cot. I cant believe how lucky i am to have these kids. As crazy as being snowed in makes me, it cannot shut out the swelling in my heart when they are engaged in a giggle fest and falling all over each other like little puppies in the silliness. Like a cherry on my love sundae? Norm actually agreed to try to put the turnip's diaper on (after some naked time)....is that a ray of light in the distance?

-Gill. My soul-mate and partner in crime and other unholy things. Even though you are eating a steak dinner as i write this while picking on cold macaroni noodles, you are still the cat's meow baby. Besides who can resist a man whose valentine started out with the words "what the crap?"...aw...man of my heart.

-All my awesome valentines! You guys rock and are the best damn valentine johns a shameless V-Day whore could ask for...in answer to the anonymous query...yes you can touch my clothes after i disrobe, and for a reasonable price too....email me!

- My totally rocking friends just rock. Much can be said. But you all know who you are and why you rock.

-Super shout out to my friend Julie who I need to TOTALLY thank for the baby sleeping advice. She asked about it today and I was hit once again with how much this changed my life. Last time we were out (yeah she was the friend accosted in the liquor store by my dream date), she gave me some tips to keep the turnip in bed all night. Damn if they didnt work and we have not gotten him up since! You are a Rockstar Julie! Stay tuned for more Julie as she is pee your pants funny and im trying to hang out with her more

-My dad. Who spent time and energy trying to find a snow solution when the snow plow fairies were avoiding me.

-Dirt! Oh people please. You didnt think i gave up on this did you? Could this show rock harder? Well lets tune in next week and find out!

-And we cant have a gratitude list without of course....tivo. Enough said....

live blog on a snow day

Lest we forget shameless whoring for valentines:

Get your own valentinr

Anyway, Gret is snowed in, my afternoon appointment is snowed in and now my Mom-sources are saying my school kids might be getting sent home early. So its all around a snow day! I figured id make the time go faster via live blog.

- It is 1230 now. We are waiting for the turnip to take his nap. Norm and I have started timing our days around turnip's naps. We try to put them off so he sleeps longer because somehow we convince ourselves he will be up less time in the evening. Its all about the hope here.

- I miss the days when i could smell a nice smell in my home and not have that alarm trigger. For example, the turnip was sitting at my feet and a soothing waft of lavendar floated up through the air. Immediately my stomach sank. Why? Because of course it meant he was eating the lotion.

-Ok my goals for today are to finish a bunch of stories (including when it is and isnt a good time to discuss your imaginary raccoon and why we cant growl at visitors even when we want to) (Im sending the latter one to my brother with the social skills deficit) and catch up on case notes. I look forward to entertaining us both (or at least myself) throughout the day!

425- Sorry, I got a little sloppy. On the plus side, I realized if i dont look up things are much happier here in my living room. On the minus side, the grape jelly is going to have some serious ramifications.

- In the depths of winter depression, sometimes just telling someone who loves you a secret can make things better all around. Ive been on both sides of this in the past 18 hours and i can say its been extremely life affirming. I heart my people so much!

- Im so torn about the adderall. I love how i focus. I hate how i get mild headaches and seem to focus too much to breathe. And apparently I seem a little....edgy. I see Gret shaking her head chastising me mentally for not being consistent with it. I did come to the realization that i might not be up all night if i take it at 4am when i go to the bathroom. Today was the first day for this. So far so good.

- On the gretty note, she is very missed here at chez panflutemaster today. Norm said, "I will not feel better until I see her beautiful face again". Which was adorable. And then growled at me and snapped when i told him it was adorable. Which was not. Adorable.

Ill be back soon!

bitch and moan monday (why January truly might be better)

Things making me chronically grouchy today.

-Gill had to go back to F@#$ing st. mary's last night. We got 29 hours of family time before he had to go back. I slept a great deal of that time. And now im alone again. With the terrorists.

-Found out this morning that Norm is getting his tonsils and adenoids out. Ok friends, I realize that in the big picture its no big deal. But they are putting my baby to sleep! To sleep!!! I dont understand why I cant just wear scrubs and be in the room. They do it for childbirth. I think Norm would need me in there more than I needed to watch them scrape Gill off the floor after my c-section (kidding honey) (i know you were down on the floor by choice)(it could have happened to anyone) March 20.

- As a result, Im having violent fantasies of BEATING THE FUCK out of the nurse at the ENT place who told Norm he couldnt eat crunchy foods for a week after the surgery Lady? HE IS FOUR. He has no concept of "week" or "after". So thanks "helpful hannah", My kid is now freaking out every time i offer him something crunchy. Youve made my day SO MUCH BETTER....

- I cant find my camera. Preventing me from posting a nice bittersweet picture of my boys.

- A dialogue in my car this evening: "how many weeks has it been mommy?" "Since what buddy?" "NO! MORE! QUESTIONS!" (picture this as a yelling growl if you will) "YOU ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS NOW DONT TALK TO ME FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT!!!" great...

- What the hell is the matter with kids that they have to laugh at a poor little girl who is introducing her imaginary raccoon during share time? You already know she is a bit off, why do you have to be so fucking mean? Makes me want to bring a real raccoon in to rip your mean little faces off...

- Gret isnt going to like this next one. George ate a bunch of poop today. Boy poop. Then he cried when he was done. As if he wanted more. Its all very disturbing.

-There does not seem to be a learning curve for me when it comes to thinking its a fine idea to take two small not so mobile children out to target and then to a kid's eat free dinner. Three trips to the bathroom, one lost elmo baby shoe and one quickly abandoned leaking bird seed package later, I remember finally, why I dont do this. And ask myself, what the hell is wrong with me? (and im sure as i dragged them both around the restaurant looking for the damn elmo shoe, while the turnip merrily chewed on his sock, people were asking themselves the same thing)

- Bridge to Teribithia? Scarred me for most of my childhood. Didnt need to see it made to a movie. Hey? I have another great idea, why dont we make some camus into a kid's movie? Maybe the book of Revelations?


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On a positive note, some things are making me happy

- A pretty girl offered to secretly marry me this morning!

- A pretty boy called me "sultry" hehehe.

-Jenfactor was my 5,000 blog visitor today!!! Whooohooo!!!

- Possible frozen slushied visits from Skycat and Yogini! (ps: trixie, skycat marries people real good..and she is discreet...just putting it out there...)

- My shameless valentine whoring appears to be paying off! (oh matt allen if you could see me now)

-I also got to experience dialogue like "Look at those freakshows mommy, racing around the road. They dont know how to drive like you do" (again, RT friends STOP LAUGHING!) "I hate kids. They should all go to cooking school" God I love that kid.

- Madame Fabu is back in action.

-Gretty is coming back tomorrow and hopefully restoring us to some sanity....


did i mention my shameless whoring of valentines?


Get your own valentinr

Ode To January

O January you are the most hallowed month of the year. I bestow all my monthly love upon you as a humble offering to the most honorable and worthy skycat (whose blog i do recommend!). I vow to dedicate myself to all things January because January 8th was the day that our beloved skycat was brought into the world (not to mention the day she WAS FIVE MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE AND DIDNT COME BY but I digress and still burn homefires for her and the fantastic YOGINI) (who invites devotion to the second most wonderful month of the year NOVEMBER) (For bringing YOGINI into the world)...screw april july or august. We heart JANUARY!! (then November) Now will you come drink frozen vodka slushies with me? I cant offer you an entertaining visitor who has been chased by monkeys in tibet but i do have pleasant accomodations!

oh and in case you forgot!

Get your own valentinr

Making it easier to woo me....

Because Jenny Ryan does it? i must do it. Besides i think she is using her newly refined jedi mind powers to persuade me to make meself a valentine's box.


Get your own valentinr

If Im being honest here, I have to admit that i thought id be able to decorate it myself.



And my label? Is a shout out to G-love and Trix.

an alphabet me-me

Courtesy of the alpha and omega (well, she actually is in there somewhere...) Luckybuzz

A- Available or Single? you guys know my standards here "I aint that married" "Im married for at least a few more drinks" and "He's married im not".
B- Best Friend? LB, Gret, Erthy, Madame Fabu, my tribeswimmin, Gill.
C- Cake or Pie? I Like PIE!!!
D- Drink of Choice? Frozen vodka slushies. I usually stick with a sugar free lemonade, but Gret and I were discussing the possibility of vodka infused blizzards from dairy queen...ah the possibility...
E- Essential Item? Embarrassingly, cell phone.
F- Favorite Color? I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings but im partial to cools...greens purples...etc.
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? For the first time i can answer this. Neon Gummy worms. Not SOUR neons...just plain neons.
H- Hometown? Right where i am.
I- Indulgence? Famous Amos oreo like cookies dipped in nutella. Interestingly, Gill just brought up the nutella seconds before i wrote this. (and canada, I want to believe what you said about nutella but i fear the commercial you speak of may have been banned in the US)
J- January or February? I usually say January because of my intense dislike for February. But today? I wouldnt want to go back to January.
K- Kids and names? Norm and the turnip
L- Life is incomplete without…? a good pillow.
M- Marriage Date? November 14, 1994.
N- Number of Siblings? 2 brothers. One older, one younger.
O- Oranges or Apples? Apples. Definitely apples.
P- Phobias/Fears? "How much time you got?" im sticking with LBs answer here!
Q- Favorite Quote? crap I hate favorites. I guess the one ive jubilantly been saying around the home is "Shut your dammmmm pie hole" Not sure of the source. (i dont say it to anyone in particular)
R- Reasons to smile? Gill-smoke is HOME!!! And I get to take a nap!S- Season? SUMMER
T- Tag 3 people? Pippa? Jen? Trixie? no pressure
U- Unknown Fact About Me? "Are you kidding? I tell you people everything." Again, I feel LB on this one! But here is one. I am almost completely flat on my back RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT!
V- Vegetable You Hate? Are you even kidding? Ask me to name a vegetable i like! I hate so many of them...
W-Worst Habit? Worrying, Whining (thanks LB) See above the letter I or the letter Q. I could go on.
X- Xrays You’ve Had? Lots.
Y- Your Favorite Foods? Right now its described in letter I.
Z- Zodiac? Leo (sun) Sagitarius (rising) Cant remember rest. LB made me a chart that I have somewhere....

Oh no..wait...its not my birthday....

So I guess our story “together” starts a few years back. He was hired two years ago and I was his first supervisor. He seemed nice enough when I met him. He is a few years younger and has young children too. Soon after he started, he and his wife split. At first, the split was amicable. However, as time went on, hostility between them grew. He became more and more miserable. Because we spent so much time together and are in mental health, it seemed natural that he would talk about his problems. It got worse. Much worse. As I got to know him, I realized he was extremely self-absorbed and lacks any personal insight whatsoever. He was annoying and show-offy and seemed to believe he was god’s gift to women.

Nevertheless, I did my best to be a friend to him. I had him over to the house with my funner friends. I stayed after work to talk about his problems. He spiraled deep and low. I kept assessing him for suicidal intent and he denied. Until one night, he called me with a gun to his head. We talked for a while and he agreed to put the gun away and meet me the next morning to get some help. Unfortunately, I slept in (hey! Its really draining to talk someone away from a gun ok?) which has shattered some credibility and brought up the “You are going to trust HER? For god’s sake she slept in through a suicide intervention!” (awk…ward) Regardless, I did show up and proceeded to offer unconditional support for the next few weeks. But I digress. Dear readers I don’t tell you this to make you think Im a wonderful person. Im setting a scene here.


Flash forward several months to August. Tensions were high that summer. Fraud had been occurring with mileage and His expenses were being reviewed. Readers, he bitched about this EVERY SINGLE DAY. (Nothing says Im committing fraud like telling everyone that you can’t pay your bills because your GAS REIMBURSEMENT CHECK didn’t come in.) Picture a sunny afternoon with all my little co-workers and friends working together in the park. Apparently, my generous little supervisees wanted to surprise me with a birthday cake. Such generosity. Such thoughtfulness. As they are planning, collecting and discussing, HE says that he cant give a DOLLAR because HE DOESN’T HAVE HIS FUCKING GAS REIMBURSEMENT CHECK! Friends, I am not a greedy person. But please, I was probably his best friend, (the personality? Not so friend magnety) might have actually saved his life and he COULDN’T SPEND A DOLLAR for my cake. A DOLLAR!!! I wouldn’t say I was mad about this. Offended? Shocked? Flabbergasted? Yes. Flabbergasted. Im relieved to say, my cake came through (it turned out to be an iced chocolate chip cookie because Im not a huge cake fan.) (that’s important for foreshadowing).

And it rankled, gentle readers. It was like a loose tooth. I couldnt leave it alone. My co-workers attempted to implement a mass planned ignoring project when I would bring up the DOLLAR. As if that would honestly shut me up. Amateurs…As time passed, the incident fell into the corner of my mind, only to be brought up when his name, mileage, and or the word dollar were brought into a conversation. Until….today.

I was doing my usual mind numbing supervision with him. Trying to stay sane while wishing I had jedi mind powers to convince him I had given him supervision while I was off visiting with (the much funner and more generous) Madame Fabu. I was most likely tuning him out when my ears heard something that made no sense. (No he din’nt) (oh YES HE DID) He had the AUDACITY to ask me if Ive ever tried iced chocolate chip cookies! Readers? I think my mind snapped. I saw black. Time stopped. I may or may not have swallowed my tongue. Of course, he didn’t notice the seizure. Being the assertive gal that I am, I said “er yeah, THEY (oh you know I didn’t stress the “they”. Like I grew brass balls since last I blogged?) got me one for my birthday remember?” He didn’t even blink. The rest of the day was a head spinning blur. My one co-worker asked if I felt good about finally "giving the dollar back" (which i found to be a bad metaphor since i NEVER GOT THE DOLLAR) (but again, I digress). It was hollow friends. Hollow. Not because of any morality play. Just because HE STILL DIDN’T GET IT!!! ACK….

Oh Well…there is always asshole school…..

TT 25

Ah folks. We all know I love my job. Honest I do...but this week's list answers the question what will i do when it all falls apart....

1. Professional Drinking Buddy. I never make you feel bad about drinking alone, I listen and am willing to philosophize about everything from your sexual history and why it bothers you that your sister thinks you are misogynistic to your mother’s recipe for long life. I also will stalk and leer with you on demand. Warning: you must sign waiver that I cannot be held responsible for anything happens ranging from 4am trips to tattoo parlors to talking you into clown college.
2. Muse: I figured this out. If I had sixty clients, charged twenty bucks a week and promised one five minute phonecall a day, I could really make a nice little chunk of change. I could call you and say things like “I can’t tie my shoes because they don’t have laces.” Or “The word “juniper” emanates sensuality” and let you run with it. Or “don’t say “going to Mars” say “going to Uranus” . Its way funnier across the board.”
3. Verbally sadistic dominatrix: All my cuss talents finally would have an outlet.
4. Professional recliner: The year I was pregnant with Norm, the local furniture store had a lazy-boy reclinathon. Gentle readers? I felt a stirring inside. A calling if you will….I knew with the proper training I could win that baby hands down. I never saw the contest again, but someday friends…
5. Cult leader: (Speaking of stirrings and callings) Id be an EXCELLENT charismatic leader. (It’s the crazyhair. Crazyhair people always make good charismatic leaders. Skycat? Am I right here?) Id never make anyone drink bad kool-aid and people would only give me money because they WANTED to not because they had to.
6. Spin Doctor: I already feel like I do this for a living. We do not say. Oh my god you are too fucked up for us. We only work with people who want to be helped.. Instead we say, my clinical observations are indicating that we’ve come to the end of the therapeutic road. Perhaps more intensive services are called for (like prison or the nut house)
7. Troubleshooter: Again, I already do this. If there is a system, my supervisors already stick me into it as a test monkey to see if it can be accidentally dissembled or destroyed in any way. Things that survive the “Crse Factor” generally tend to be workable and should be introduced wide scale. Im also good at finding holes in logic (by falling headlong into them leaving a trail of destruction in my wake)
8. Professional writer of break-up letters: I can go kind. I can go snide. I can go postal. Im limited only by your moral code.
9. TV or movie critic: I will go beyond the norm. I will find and expose annoying speech patterns of the actors, illogical plot holes, and character quirks that will make you want to smash your head against the wall every time you think about it.
10. Asshole school headmistress: This is a dream Gill and I have. To change the justice and social system to create the consequence of “asshole school” (run by us of course) We would walk around with tasers all day long and present different scenarios to the students. Every asshole response would get a sad shake of the head….and a taser shock of course.
11. Date coach: Be prepared for honesty. There are single people in my life right now who Id love to coach. In friendships however, its more of a struggle to find a loving way to say “You cant get a date because you are rude in conversations, interrupt people constantly, and talk about yourself incessantly. People you think you’ve impressed? Find you boorish.” At the same time, it would be so helpful for a single person to hear this I think.
12. Onion Detector: Ok this is a long shot I know but im running out of ideas and I have an UNCANNY ability to detect the onions. It does ruin meals out on a frequent basis as I often end up with food that appeared to be onion free to the server. Someone like me could save restaurants a lot of grief as they cater to the onion hating masses.
13. Professional Dorkblogger: I love the site. My dream right now is to one day make a living creating and maintaining this space with Jennfactor. We would be the patron saints of dorkdom. Ahhh it’s a dream.

Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Canada
Snarkypants
Ash In Wonderland
Dorkbloggers





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zen and the art of stuff on your head

Stolen immediately and directly from someone who knows how to wear a cat (wink wink, know what i mean?)in honor of stuff on your head day. The most beautiful part is, we had no idea it was stuff on your head day when the sandwich balancing began!

the ashtastic blog post

Not to be confused with my soon to be coming feature blogs. If you read me and dont want to be featured you need to tell me Ok?
Its been a strange day. Last day gill is home before f-ing st. mary's and im very sad. We are post-poning our valentine's celebration until he is home for good.

Madame Fabu has kidney stones. It is apparently horrifically painful and can i just send some love out not only for the healing but because she knows me well enough to know im embarrassingly intrigued by the thought of the actual kidney stones? (as is princess fabu....)I have not officially asked to see them but the hint is there and she hasnt said no.....

Gret came in looking extremely upset and her first words were "have you paid your mortgage yet?" As if there would be a way id pay it without telling her immediately (thats not sarcasm. We are like that.)(ok perhaps this post should change to my odd interpersonal relationships)She proceeded to tell me that she dreamt i died in an accident because i lost the house for not paying mortgage and was so distracted i wrecked the car...she made me send it immediately. Its scary for me because we will cut close financially but i feel this strange sense of not-alone-ness because she knows im cutting close and maybe it will be ok.

So another day of basically being housebound since all school was cancelled and my afterschool kid had a cold. So lots of interesting "how not to be a sociopath" work for the kids....the rest of the post is the ashtastic part as the winsome Ash requested a slew of topics. She is really cute so i will be her dancing monkey!

same sex marriage- what makes me laugh the hardest is when people say it is against the sacred institution and choose the most arbitrary aspect of a relationship (gender) to use as an emblem of sanctity. OH PLEASE! If its so sacred, where is the "true love" test? Where is the pre-marital challenge? I love it when homophobic hysteria masks as moral superiority (ok i admit i dont really love it)In retrospect, i have regrets that i got married when other lovers couldnt. (and i also admit i have a fantasy of walking my son (either one) down the aisle where the man of his dreams is waiting. And then they move in with me, and take care of me in my old age of course)

female genital mutilation Read possessing the secret of joy (alice walker) in the early 90s. YOW. I cant even think about it. I have circumcision guilt about my own babies....

the fact that abraham lincoln and darwin share a birthday



I think the question is, who is cuter? Definitely definitely Darwin....

the state of the union address, You mean the state of my butt? Oh come ON ash! You read this thing? You totally saw that coming....

bush or no bush? I was just telling trixie about this. I think we need more bushes in iraq. Like the bush twins. It shows solidarity. Like he really does understand the sacrifice families are making.

female president versus minority or giuliani freaking giuliani. I am ALL ABOUT Obama. But my heart wouldnt break if it were hillary either. But freaking giuliani??? I think not...


Ok you ashtastic little fool!

things that make me think i might be an idiot

Is it weird that scrubs makes me cry every week? That goofy little music starts during the tie-in part at the end and im like a leaky faucet....

Oh and for those who are asking?
NEGATIVE ONE
WITH A WINDCHILL OF NEGATIVE FIFTEEN!!!!

later...that same day...

For those of you who dont go to dorkblogger....or havent seen this in another context...this is also affecting my mood....and gill says, "you need to stop telling people i did it with pampered chef kitchen shears" ....and then he pulls out a pair of child safety scissors....
Gret made a little leaf crown for him and as soon as we get new batteries for the camera we will have caligula pictures for you....

but seriously im in a much better mood...had a lovely chat with dr. trixie, took a nice nap, and got some sweet boylove (having it come from a butchered little wreck of a toddler makes it no less sweet)

Our lady of perpetual grouchiness (or bitch and moan monday)

Things that Im bereft about:
1. My sonicare toothbrush battery is dead. Brushing my teeth now feels like being sexed up by a clumsy virgin wearing boxing gloves. I feel dirty and ashamed when im done.
2. I bought corn muffin mix and not only did the muffins burn slightly but they sorely lack the cornmealish goodness i was seeking out in a muffin.
3. It is extremely cold outside. So cold all local schools were cancelled. So cold I feel so bad making the dog pee outside. So cold that ive shut off the big bathroom lest asses get frozen.
4. Gill-smoke goes to a place called "fucking" st. mary's on wednesday morning. He will not be back until saturday morning. And then he leaves again sunday night. I am sad about this. Very sad. I think it will quickly turn into lord of the flies here without him.
6. "if daddy says no you are going to say yes and you are going to do it ok mommy?" What exactly did i do wrong?
7. There is urine in my bed. Its nobody's fault really. Late night confusion between training pants and overnighters.And you know what else? I am really really sad today about the constant proximity of body waste in my life. It demoralizes me. Poop and pee..i dont hate the players i just hate the game.


Things Im annoyed about:

1. The superbowl. We had a delightful impromptu superbowl party but the commercials did not live up to my expectations. And i dont know why im disappointed in the k-fed commercial. Im sad that he couldnt even be a spectacular failure I guess....
2. Im irrationally crabby about the fact that people dont do what they are supposed to do. This would be specifically work related but not necessarily clinical.
3. I am actually irrationally crabby about many things today (although just a shout out if you read this blog, you are not a person who makes me crabby. Ah but you may know one thing that made me crabby and you may know im grateful that you made me laugh out loud about it)(is cellar door the most beautiful phrase? I think not.)
4. I know its a bandwagon and im preaching to the choir here but its called SNOPES people! you email a preventable thing more than once a week? You highly deserve to be beaten profusely with a stick Ok i will qualify this even more. If you work in mental health and you have multiple people to track and you are forwarding because someone who should know better didnt research this and you need to protect your ju-ju, you are exempt from this (madame fabu)(Lonnie Manko). On the other hand if you work on a computer all day and dont take the time to look into this stuff, well? you've displeased me and i order stick beatings for you.


ohhhh im sure there is more but gill just arrived home with the promise of clean sheets and a nap for me. Im sure everything will turn around now.

A Me-Me countdown

Cheerfully and blatantly stolen from the endless source of wit and entertainmentMadame Snarkypants. I promise more work on dorkblogger(from my end) to follow.

The TMI Me-Me
10 Firsts

1. First best friend – This girl tracie in kindergarten who used to call me "crse bissy baby"

2. First car – THE PINTO!!!! I remember fighting over who got to ride flat in the "way back" hatchback....(back in the day when car seat laws were for the weak and uninitiated.) My dad tells a lovely story of careening around town after about two or three beers, all three kids in tow and about a ton of cinderblocks in the trunk. Memories like these have made him a neurotic grandparent...

3. First love – Matt Allen. Oh Matt...you broke my heart....told me i could erase crayons and then forgot to mention the permanence of the black crayon. I spent time with my desk in the corner for ya matt....i thought our love could outlast anything the first grade threw out at us...i was wrong...

4. First vacation – DC and virginia beach...brother got stung by jelly fish. All three of us (my bros and I) were so traumatized by this we are sort of scared of the ocean to this day. LOVE being near it though.

5. First job – Grocery store fish monger. I am stealing Lisa's quote here "All I wanted was a job where I could smell the same going in and coming home."

6. First piercing – Ears. ten years old. piercing pagoda.

7. First concert – Michael Stanley Band! Whooohooo! Luckybuzz remember, he cant love you like i love you! come on let the provin' begin....

8. First record/cd bought – Record was barry manilow before the age of seven. CD would have been peter gabriel "so".

9. First real love – oh this is hard. define real. define first. define love.

10. First screen name – My own name actually...

9 Latest

1. Latest alcoholic beverage – A desperate red wine spritzer at my niece's fifth birthday party last night.
2. Latest car ride – Last night coming home from Senor Fabu's birthday party.

3. Latest movie watched – Munich...sort of...i was trying to get work done and was making gill read me the subtitles (although he wouldnt use different voices)

4. Latest phone call made – To the bonsai. Shit...i was supposed to call her back...

5. Latest jacuzzi bath – Damn too long ago. The month before I got preg with the turnip..

6. Latest played cd – A mix i did myself.

7. Latest time you cried – Last night when i was emailing Trixie She kind of has that effect on me (blush)

8. Latest meal – Poptarts. Its whats for breakfast.

9. Latest curse – the f-bomb literally seconds ago when i realized i forgot to turn my phone on so gill could call me if he needed to ask me anything while out.

(ok I kind of arranged this because im dorky and ocd. So this was seven at Lisa's i made it 8 because yes i am that dorky)

8 Things You Wear
Im assuming this doesnt mean all at once but things you tend to wear...

1. Glasses
2. Jammy bottoms
3. Gill's clothes.
4. Hunting socks (as long as they arent the itchy wool...)
5. Thigh highs (OH MY GOD WHAT GENIUS INVENTED THESE? Goodbye panty hose ride!)
6. amber oil (good ones are HARD TO FIND so if anyone has leads on a good amber oil....)
7. Wedding Ring (From grandma (still living one) who gave them to us about five years after we were married saying "I hope they bring you better luck than they brought me")(I think they have)
8. Gold ring engraved with a C from my bros and sils when i got master's degree.

7 Have You Ever

1. Dated one of your best friends – Uh I married him?

2. Been arrested – Nope … but there’s still time, right? (lisa said this and im keeping it)

3. Fallen in love at first sight – Interesting coincidence here. Fell in love with a man at first sight who's first question to me was "hi, would you like to get arrested today?"

4. Been in a TV program – Um yeah...i cant even get into it. It was a sixth grade health project. We ended up on Richard Simmons.

5. Had your heart broken – Yes. Oh yes.

6. Said you love someone without meaning it – Go here for the answer to that....I was the brainchild behind number 5.

7. Made a prank phone call - I make them to Gill alot, but he knows its me....its not less amusing of course....


6 Things You’ve Done Today

1. Negotiated with Norm.
2. Toasted and ate poptarts.
3. Made a list for gill.
4. Checked ads and coupons.
5. Kissed all my boys.
6. Read blogs.

5 Favorite Things (Im interpreted things sort of loosely)

1. My boyz

2. My wimmin.

3. My blogfriends (especially the ones who make my heart swell and hurtin a very good way... You know who you are....)

4. Summer parties that start in the afternoon and end sometime the next day with quiet hungover chats with friends who stayed the night...

5. Cant forget my sonicare toothbrush and Ti-Vo!


4 People I Can Tell Anything This is hard. I dont like this one. Im revising

1. Most of my wimmin.

2. Madame Fabu (except when i am afraid i will stress her out) and Spike(spike is a black hole of secrets. his wife told me this and ive been capitalizing on it since).

3. My dad, lucy and bonsai in many ways.

4. Shout out to my newest cyberconfidants (you know who you are!)

3 Choices


1. Black or white? Black (it represents my moth-er) (hehehee that was for gill and lucy)
2. Summer or winter? SUMMER SUMMER SUMMER
3. Chocolate or chips? This is a choice? you are joking....um chocolate....

2 things to do Before You Die
1. See my sons in safe loving relationships

2. Go back to Alaska.

1 Thing You Regret

1. Being a COMPLETE DORK about the section of 7, number 3 by engaging in a ridiculously awkward year long mutual crush that i destroyed every chance i got. Cringing just thinking about it.

Edited to add: So I was in the shower just now and i thought about number one. First asThe always thinking Luckybuzz pointed out, what the hell kind of question is this to end a countdown blog with? Second, is that really a regret? Did i really want to take the chance that in some world, i could have ended up being the future ex Mrs. Drunk scary guy in the liquor store? No. Im going to retract and go to the tried and true why did i need to screw my money up? regret.....



TAG YOU ARE IT!!!! (Pippa, Jen, Canada, LB, Trixie, Nan? my go-to me-me buddies)(crawlspace you havent wrecked a me-me in a while? come on!)

a pick me up

I saw a really hot and cool blog tribute today at Host of Seraphim Its a tribute(complete with a really hot picture) to the uber hot trixie from g-love(her husband and author of HOS. so i thought id cheer us up by sending you there and then giving you a little glimpse of what a gill tribute would look like today...in the form of a haiku

Oh Crse. My Crse.
New day. Mortgage still unpaid.
Why must you suck ass?

For Moe...And Owie....And well a lot of other people too now that i think about it...

It is 12:51 pm on Friday Feb 2. The next 12 hours or so are the one year anniversary of the last time she could try to tell herself everything would be ok. Its leukemia. And he was not yet two years old. Now he is not yet three and they have been fighting this battle a year.The drs reports say he is going to be ok. She doesnt actually believe this i dont think. I dont think she will ever believe this again. I want to tell you about her. She doesnt read my blog although she is a Best Friend. Why? Because I never told her about it because Im terrified its insulting to have her exposed to my whiny self indulgent complaints when she is facing this every day. She was always part of my tribe, it seems. She is a beautiful neurotic mess who would break laws with me in dark cars and alleys and who could invariably make us both laugh hard enough we could pee ourselves in any given situation. I married far away but she was one of my first phone calls to spring the surprise....I was in her wedding. In fact we all jumped on her wedding bed together after the reception. She was there when Norm was born. Actually she was the first non-parent/non-professional to hold him and we both laughed nervously because she is the kind of friend you didnt have to convince you had any more idea than she did about this little alien helpless creature. And then I was there when owie was born. I met him before he was named. And then when the turnip popped into the world with his huge scary chaos those first few days, she was one of the few people who got to see him before they shipped us away for a week. When she came back to hold him a few weeks later, Owie got his first black eye on our coffee table.

I remember the night. Technically it was the third. I remember she sent us all the email at 1am, i cant remember if i read it that night or the next morning but i remember i had tracked her down and was at the hospital that next afternoon. It was snowing and raining and we smoked her cigarette outside while i struggled to find the right things to say. What i love about her is that we knew each other well that she could shoot down all my cliches without sarcasm or resentment or annoyance. And we both realized there was no way this didnt suck. We told ourselves all the things like the drs say its the best kind of cancer. It would be a rough road but eventually he would recover and live a normal life. And then we started to realize that this wasnt happening to someone else. This was happening to us. And our Best Friend Kathleen was pissed. She lost her daughter three days after birth six years ago and was really angry because she thought this should have protected Moe. Because she took it on the chin for all of us. And you know what? I think we all kind of thought that too. It just didnt make sense. The next two weeks of hospital was kind of a blur. It was extremely intense and i forced myself in there every day not for them but for me. I needed to be there. I needed to bring stupidity gifts like chocolate and trashy magazines and she made it normal for us by cracking jokes and making it a day by day thing so it wasnt so big. And it made it hurt less if i was there because she still made me laugh til i wanted to pee. I can count at least three times she did that those weeks. Then chemo started and they disappeared behind closed doors to protect from the germs. And we wait and watch and worry and when we see her we hug her as hard as we can and try to create some sort of healing love power to make this right.


Ive cried a lot this week. For Her and and for Trixie who had to defy all mom instincts and let her child go someplace really scarey. And then I cried some more with a patient's mom over the powerlessness we have to protect them (no worries Madame F. It was a contained empathic cry. No racking sobs from me. I like to think of it as more of a therapeutic intervention than a cry. Like the opposite of tough love...its creamPUFF love) And I cried for Ash because it never should have been that way for her because she is so damn amazing. And for Best Friend Gret who is childless biologically but is petrified because she cant protect her little person from the little person's mother who Gret tried so hard to protect for the past 25 years. Maybe its going to be ok though? Because we can keep laughing and loving and hoping and crying together. And because i cant look at a world where its not going to be ok. Not today.