Saturday, March 31, 2007
Happiness is watching your three boys dance to electronica in the living room around piles of unfolded laundry.
By the way? The hospital where penicillin was discovered? FUCKING ST. MARY'S!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Five things Ive never revealed on my blog:
1. Ive watched almost every Columbo movie and am a HUGE Columbo fan.
2. In my early 20s, wanted to become an attorney but the idea of having to be somewhere consistently every single day at 9am freaked me out too badly.
3. Somewhere in the universe there is a picture of me that exists from when i took ballet in the second grade. It makes the bumble bee girl from the blind melon video look like a hot vegas show girl.
4. I worry a lot that I think Im prettier than i actually am. (this does not count as me stating that Im vain so in essence it is new information)
5. I got a D in seventh grade sewing class (so zig, i didnt get laid AND i didnt learn to sew!)
Now for my tags:
Factor 10 , Ash, Gill, Andrea, and Luckybuzz
Canada you get a break because you are on vacation, Pippa, I still owe you and thought it would be wrong to tag you PIPPA this one was way easier than the award that i become less worthy of everyday. And some of you remain untagged because i think you will be tagged from my tags!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
-Missed my morning shower due to personal idiocy/scheduling snafu.
- Forgot to put on deodorant until 130 in the afternoon (sorry about that Madame Fabu, didnt realize that when i was riding in your car)
-Lost my shoes this morning. Ended up wearing black high heels and navy blue thick cotton knee socks. It was not pretty by any stretch of the imagination.
- Tried to put on said deodorant in Madame Fabu's office, only to realize there was no way to do this without spike noticing as he already had offered his critique of the shoe/sock situation.
-Finally put deodorant on in patient bathroom.
-Did not realize until 3pm that i could probably pull off socklessness thus reducing the hideous faux pas to some degree.
- On the positive side, i found a spare black bra that i didnt realize i owned!
Today's not so bad after all!
Monday, March 26, 2007
- Let us start with the norman. My darling Ash called to inquire about my little sweeties and the recovery process. Saddle up cowfolk, its gonna be a few dashes on this one. I was trying to think of how to begin the description of what the last few days have been like. And I look over and Norm is standing on top of the back of the couch screaming "be patient mommy and DONT LOOK AT ME" while the turnip is on the arm of the couch attempting to body slam the the dog. Yeah....
-Norm has gone around the bend. The healing is going ok I suppose. Unfortunately, a side effect of the surgery appears to be that he has turned into Caligula. This is complete with a strained squeaky scream voice that is way more shrill than one would expect after tonsillectomy. Inciting mad roman emperor behavior can include but is not limited to events such as improper understanding of popsicle preferences, blanket availability in a timely manner, and of course any time his brother moves in a way that displeases him.
-My personal favorite illustration of this insane behavior occurred this morning as the turnip and I were cuddling on the couch and watching Sprout (im not linking, its a PBS channel for kids). Suddenly, the floor starts shaking and Norm STORMTROOPER MARCHES into the living room (completely naked except for his overnighter and his scowl) screaming "I HATE THIS CHANNEL. GET IT OFF THE TV NOW". Now, out of respect to my delicate readers, I will not go into details about how that played out, but I do admit this, I was kind of impressed that after almost five years of his life where absolutely nothing even remotely near this type of behavior has ever worked for him, he still played the "rage scream" demand. It was...gutsy.
I have other bitches and moans but you know what? they are sucking the life out of me. Its the end of the month, notes are due, copies need made and IM ALL OUT OF GREEN PAPER!!! Only Madame Fabu (oh and gill, and POSSIBLY gretty) knows how bad the lack of green paper is.
I just keep hearing that one verse from "rosalita" in my head with springsteen singing "someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny." (dont anyone get fussy about the springsteen ref- i didnt say i liked it i just said i hear it)
Sunday, March 25, 2007
So....thanks to my darlin' dorksister Pippajo chez panflutemaster got our first award! Yes yes, its an exciting time for us. I was the proud recipient of the
Granted, I have some suspicion that she gave me the award because she likes me and I make her laugh more than I make her think but that's good enough for me. But with this great honor comes great responsibility. I am supposed to do a list of five blogs that make me think. I am supposed to tag them and also link back to this place for the origin of the link. Ok the problem is, I cant do that to you folks. I read about 20 blogs and they ALL make me think. I have a huge problem with this whole "sophie's choice" kind of mentality. So Im going to cheat and link to them all. Not in this post though. Because it will take too long. Besides, I forgot how to get into my blogroll and i really need to link up my buddies. I realize this is cheating. But in the name of the dangling participles, I don't really care. A better person might decline the award. Not me though, you can have that award when you pry it from my cold dead hands baby.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
A very sweet and interesting thing happened at supervision tonight. My little friends got together and bought us an olive garden gift certificate as a way of offering condolences. I am so delighted by this because just a few months ago, several of us were discussing what to do about a friend who experienced two losses very close to each other. I said it was a shame we couldn't get her something she could use instead of another dish garden or other plant. I suggested a gift certificate as well and a few of us had a joking discussion of the ramifications of "Im sorry about your loss, please take this wal-mart card as a symbol of comfort from all of us." My friends said this would be tacky and I said I would be delighted to get such a thing. Sure enough, tonight they gave us a lovely gift card with condolences and warm wishes written right on it. So here are the thank you note ideas that are cracking gill and I up but are way too inappropriate to share with my friends.
"Thank you so much for your thoughtful and generous gift. With every bite of our olive garden meal, we will wrap ourselves in the warmth of your comfort like the breadsticks wrapped in the deep burgandy napkin."
"We chose to go during never ending pasta bowl season as it represents the never ending bond between ourselves and our loved ones, despite the separation of death."
" Just as the soup salad and breadsticks are endless, so was my mother's love. Thank you for allowing us to honor her memory in such a fashion."
"As we experience the heavenly olive garden tiramisu, we remember that my mother is also in a place of heavenly pleasure."
I think you probably guessed this but Ill just clarify. Iced cookie Guy did NOT contribute to the condolence fund.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
- We arrived in a timely manner. I would like to take credit for being a responsible mom but truth be told, the only reason we made it was because there was ZERO traffic on the main strip and what normally takes fifteen minutes to drive took five. I did enjoy faking it for the surgery people though.
-Norm was AMAZING. The worst part for me was waiting for them to take him. They told us I couldnt go back and he did not cry but his little face scrunched up and I fell apart inside (but not outside thankfully). The nurses gave him a teddy bear to take in and he seemed ok with that. (nice to know i can be replaced with something really soft and furry) (don't get any ideas there gill). In fact, it prompted to make a satisfied declaration about his two favorite things, teddy bears and ninjas.
- The outpatient surgery place had this open kitchen with bagels, cream cheese, crackers (cheese on wheat) coffee and THREE KINDS OF SODA! It was awesome! Local folks, I highly recommend the place if you are ever in the area and need a free snack. Its crowded enough that if you are subtle, nobody will know you don't belong.
-Aunt Gret has been quite the doting and worried aunt which is working out super well for us. When she is nervous, she cleans. We came home at 11am to find the entire house spotless and clothes folded. Trust me, everybody in the world needs a friend like this. Right now she is coloring on the floor with Norm and he has completely stopped addressing me, directing all his requests to the more entertaining "beautiful face" (norm constantly refers to her face as such)(and she is, but he is so desperately romantic about it) of Aunt Gret.
- On a slightly disturbing note, we were watching Higgly Town Heroes before the surgery. I am going to use up a whole dash talking about this inane program. If you have never seen it, the characters look like this.
Now friends, I can get behind the nesting doll concept, but why do their faces need to be so ugly. They are just completely unattractive. And ive seen attractive nesting dolls so I know it can be done. The entire concept of the show is to look at different occupations and marvel at their everyday heroism. And when you think about it, this is a bothersome concept on a few levels. 1) First, as my cousin Larry points out, this is your JOB, and since you are paid to do it are you really a hero? I mean sure some folks go above and beyond in their professions which is great. But Im pretty sure there are assholes in every profession. 2) Having said that, is it really fair to compare the heroism of a fire fighter to the heroism of a FLORIST? Yes that was actually a show. How the fucking FLORIST is a HERO. Which is where they would have lost me had the nesting dolls been attractive.
-Ok the show is getting another slash because of HER. (the squirrel on the top)
Hint folks: If you want to make a lovable squirrel sidekick? Dont give her the personality of an annoying minnesota housewife. its not cute. Its like the mom who is way too invasive in her kids' personal lives so they all become these isolated emotional hostages in a horrifically closed family system (ok, granted she does remind me of a client's mom but I think i would have seen this in her regardless). She opens her mouth and instantly I feel the children (ugly nesting dolls) become more socially stunted. I think I need to make a hate wall with my most loathed children's tv characters (barney not withstaanding). She would definitely have her own bullseye.
- I bring up the Higgly town heroes because before the surgery, the doctor came in and mentioned that the little nesting dolls reminded him of weeble wobbles. Then he reminisced about how he used to punch the weeble wobbles when he was little. Really Dr? How cool. I was hoping that you would share a bit of your sadistic streak before taking my baby away from me and cutting into him. Thank you Dr. de Sade. Thank you much.
-But he came through great and even squeaked out "no thank yous" when he was trying to refuse treatment in recovery. Last night was a little hairy but i really think he is on the mend. Right now he is on the couch clinging to teddy and watching Tom and Jerry. He is being spoiled by relatives at every angle and Aunt Gret is as she said at his beck and call while he lounges.
Now I must go shopping so I can give them there alone time. Thanks again everyone for warm wishes and good thoughts! I heart my blogfriends!
Monday, March 19, 2007
I apologize for the recent silence. I understand that your worlds stop when I am not posting. As well you may have imagined, I have been joyously reuniting with my husband over the weekend. Currently, he is presenting his not so missed naggy bitch side, calling me by my first and middle name in order to motivate me to go shopping for popsicles. Yes friends, the time has come. Norm and I are headed to the giant eagle to buy every imaginable kind of popsicle as well as a range of ice creams. We are doing this because tomorrow at 640am Norm and I will be arriving at the local medical center for the express purpose of tonsil and adenoid removal. Friends, Im a little scared. No friends, Im way scared. I am trying to stifle the whatifs and remember that little kids go through this procedure every single day. Norm has had a few conferences with his cousin and my brother, both tonsilectomy survivors and is fairly confident about the procedure. He has been obsessing over the fact that he cannot eat crunchy things and is worried that this crunch free period will start without me telling him and he will somehow be damaged.
On a more mundane note, I think I have some sort of situational chronic fatigue syndrome. I seem to be incapable of doing anything but sleeping and socializing (we all wiggle our eyebrows as we contemplate my loose interpretation of the term socializing) on the weekend when Gill is home. He is calling this my "wussy syndrome" I think it is his polite of saying i suffer from "bitch got lazy syndrome". (a malady, Ive unfortunately accused him in the past of exhibiting symptoms). Im hoping that this is a temporary condition because it's not like I WANT to leave cereal strewn across the floor, a heaping mess in the trash can and watch helplessly while he folds laundry. Im going to start taking a multi-vitamin. Im sure that will make everything better!
Friday, March 16, 2007
After reading a post by one of my
1. Calling my friends. Two phobias here. One, something will happen and I will have to cut them off while they are talking. Two, I will interrupt them and they will be distracted and off-track all day.
2. Speaking to my neighbors. I LOVE my neighbors but the attached garage is really the best thing that ever happened to me. I stress so bad about those interactions. Like what if we are both in the yard and we start chatting? Do we keep chatting until we go back in the house? Do we continue to greet each other while we do our own separate thing? Do I acknowledge the day you drove past and saw my kid peeing off the front porch with my encouragement in broad daylight?
3. Dropping the kids off at daycare. Hey lady with the associate’s degree and no children? Please stop judging me. Punctuality is the sign of a weak mind.
4. Calling the dr. for prescription refills. Cognitively, I realize that the doctor does not think Im a junkie for celexa but what if it developed street value? And if she really thought I needed it wouldn’t she call me back into the office?
5. Becoming too familiar at business establishments. This isn’t actually irrational. Henry the drive thru attendant at arby’s was sending all kinds of non-verbal disapproval signals when I showed up three days in a row ordering adventure meals for the kids lunch. Are my kids eating just as much fast food? Sadly yes. Have I spent my money at arby’s since? Well no.
6. Interactive restaurants. I am ashamed for all of us when they start singing in unison.
7. Writing checks. I feel like Im sucking up valuable line time from other patrons. And something about the whole check writing process feels a little fraudulent to me. Like I just sign my name on this little piece of paper with sponge bob characters on it and you are going to give me all these groceries. So you say...
8. Ringing doorbells and knocking on doors. Like maybe I just shouldn’t be there if you aren’t waiting at the door for me.
9. Calling the doctor for the children. They always ask questions I never think of finding answers to until Ive already called. So I lie. Then I fear getting caught in the lie. So I develop all these weird little side stories. My relationship with my kids’ health is way more dysfunctional than it should be.
10. Dealing with delivery or repair people. I have never had a repair person in my home that didn’t involve me milling pointlessly around the room trying not to be invasive while remaining available for questions.
11. The express lane. What if they count the bananas as individual items? Or the twelve cans in a twelve pack? Its unnerving I tell you.
12. Restaurants where you seat yourself. Im terrified we will never be noticed and it will be too awkward to leave.
13. Hair salons. Ive had two healthy hair dresser relationships in my life. The rest have all been exercises in various levels of mutual pathology. Case in point? I can no longer get my eyebrows waxed in the salon that is most convenient to me because I ended up talking to the stylist for far too long and had to give her materials on stress management. I never wanted that level of commitment from her. I had to break it off.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
- My friend Moe's dog Sophie died a few days ago. I didnt realize how much it was going to hurt me personally. I mean of course i dont enjoy seeing my friends in pain but its more than that. Sophie was the most amazing dog. I havent seen much of her in recent years but I still have this great image in my mind of when she got into the pink highlighter. It was the cutest thing, those pink spots over her creamy colored fur. My mind keeps going back to her and I get a little pain in my heart each time. Rest peacefully sweet Sophie.
- Im SO SLEEPY. Like drugged sleepy. Like someone slipped me a damn micky. Which would be nice and relaxing if I wasnt hearing things like "mommy, turnip's eating paint" while i was dozing dreamily.
- It is my first steak and BJ day and not only do i have no steak or anyone to blow today, but when i was looking for a card to commemorate the occasion, the tight ass bitch at the hallmark store got all pissy and acted like it wasnt even a holiday. I think I smell some hate crime in that kind of behavior.
-My hair is becoming completely out of hand. I bought a "frizz free" brush in arizona. And have spent a little time every morning composing my fantasy bitch letter to the "goody" manufacturers.
- My children have become complete insomniacs at night. The good news is they sleep in till like 11am. The bad news is I cant sleep in with them.
- After losing my "happiest in the hamptons" bag in the Sky Harbor airport, Ive been in a state of flux. I feel like I could lose everything at any minute.
On the positive side
-EVERY SINGLE sheetz store Ive been in lately has added the cappacino bar. Its inspiring me to try to fill another hole punch sixth beverage free card. God sometimes I dont even understand how much I love sheetz.
- Gill is coming home on FRIDAY!!!! FRIDAY!!!!!
- I got a new work phone. Which is exciting but scary. There was an elaborate shaming process from the folks at IT after I lost the phone in only one day. It was humiliating enough that I actually just want to lock the phone somewhere safe so I don't have to worry about it. So is that really all that positive?
- Tomorrow is thursday. I love thursday!
- Gill is coming home on FRIDAY!!!! FRIDAY!!!!!
Monday, March 12, 2007
- I got lost today. I hate getting lost. The worst thing about getting lost in my caseload territory is that you can take a wrong turn, try to head back in the right direction, think you are going the right way for about thirty miles and end up in someone's driveway. I know what you are thinking. "Why would you be an idiot and refuse to turn around as soon as you realize you made the wrong turn?" Well friends, I think the answer lies within the question on that one.
-Another bad thing about being lost in my territory calling my local folks for directions. Not only does the connection break at the most inopportune times, (no signal in the middle of west bumblefuck? who would have thunk it?) but they have this weird provincial style of relating every landmark to what USED to be there, like they will tell you to turn where the old Hill's dept store used to be. Or where Buddy Frootloops uncle owned that bar. Or the second stop sign past Larry's dad's huntin grounds. No i didnt forget the g. They never add the g. Ok people could you be more inbred? (I say this with love to my dearest Madame Fabu who actually taught me where the Hill's used to be so I can operate more functionally around town).
- It can be very demoralizing when the mother of a child you've been working with for over four years whispers fearfully that she does not know what to do about her son's refusal to turn down the television. It took everything in me not to scream out "Are you fucking kidding me?" Newsflash lady: The state has paid thousands of dollars for you to grow a set and stand up to the kid now DO IT!
- The new pope scares the hell out of me. And this is not the only reason. Ive never been a huge fan of those in the papal position (although i am extremely intrigued by the pope of a hundred days or whatever from the seventies. Or was it eighties? and i liked the godfather connection too...for what its worth) (and I wouldnt mind spending some time poking through vatican city).
Ok bitch and moan monday officially ended six minutes ago. Norm is still awake (MUST UPDATE NORMISMS TODAY) and we both need to be sleeping.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
I'm a Lamborghini Murcielago!
You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.
Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.
My grammy wanted to drive around in a lamboroghini before she died. Ahhh so close.
|Your Brain is Green|
Of all the brain types, yours has the most balance.
You are able to see all sides to most problems and are a good problem solver.
You need time to work out your thoughts, but you don't get stuck in bad thinking patterns.
You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about the future, philosophy, and relationships (both personal and intellectual).
ok everyone who knows me in real time can clean up the beverages they just snorted out of their noses for this last one. Ok Norm is now using my iced tea as a manicure soak of some sort so Im going to throw children in the bath now.
Friday, March 09, 2007
1. Morning person or Nighthawk?
I like to think of myself as a nightdove. Or a night sloth really. Hawk implies a lot more energy than is actually exerted.
2. How do you like your eggs?
Unfertilized (thank you very much ill be here all week) (that one never gets old)
3. Where do you keep your photographs? (on computer, in albums, in shoebox, etc)Seriously? on the computer. Old ones are scattered in boxes throughout the house.
4. If money was no object, what would your ideal vacation be? You can do 2 , if you want - 1 scenario with kids, 1 without.
See this is hard, because of my anxiety problems. Vacation scenarios not involving my kids immediately invoke feelings of panic about my kids and their sense of security and happiness. Involving my kids? Well...we've gone to the beach with the Fabus. That was pretty ideal because I was able to keep work anxiety at bay with Madame Fabu's help. Oh and because we travel extremely well with Fabus. Its a very easy going fun time. We hope to go again this summer
5. What was your best birthday party? Describe.Ha this is rough because Ive had a couple of good ones that I cant remember too well. I do know the 20th must have been a good one because I remember waking up the next day in my bed completely covered in mud. I think that was the year that I learned that long island iced teas were not mostly iced tea. My father knocked on my bedroom door then walked in with my mud caked nylons, my friend's ID and three crumpled up dollar bills, and all he said was "I would not tell your mother about this if I were you." Realizing I was in bed and not in a ditch somewhere was truly an awesome birthday present.
In my fantasy life, people google that phrase every day and now I will have data that tracks this when it happens. But yes, friends. I do loathe him. Never heard of him? You aren't missing much. If you want more details about him go here. I will tell you his real name is Simcha Jacobovici and I personally consider him to be the Shamu of the world of the study of ancient religions. I am not going to reduce this post to a dorkalogue of my undermining (with help from THE WORLD OF THE STUDY OF ANCIENT RELIGIONS) of all of his ludicrous and inane claims. But I will tell you, he is neither naked, nor an archeologist. He is however, an idiot with no more formal training in archeology or ancient religion than ME people! ME! (and lemme tell ya friends, degrees notwithstanding? I don't consider myself qualified to do more than pontificate drunkenly in late night philosphical conversations). Why am I ranting about this friends? Well because a few weeks ago I first encountered the news as posted by my newest blog stalkee that he has once again teamed up with JAMES CAMERON (sorry indulge me friends while I see how many wise folks will google "why James cameron is a flamingly ignorant blight on society")to create more ridiculous speculation. Speculation that will once again flagrantly disregard anything like actual historical fact or widely accepted academic belief and manipulate all his information to fit his "theory". If I didn't find them both so arrogant and annoying, I would probably be embarrassed for them. I admit I got distracted for a while (although not before googling and finding this metaphorical photo of our Shamu tossing around what could possibly be priceless artifacts) (If they aren't dont tell me. I find comfort in adding this to my reasons to loathe) but then my DAD brought it up today. If the knowledge has reached the world of MY DAD, well then it's gone too far. (love my dad? But he actually asked me what islam was today because he didnt realize it was the religion followed by Muslims) So I am here today to BESEECH you friends. BEG YOU even. DO NOT SUPPORT THIS MAN OR BELIEVE ONE WORD OF HIS DOCUMENTARY. HE IS AN IDIOT. Regardless of your religious leanings or beliefs friends? HE IS STILL AN IDIOT. Ok that's my vent. Im off to answer five questions from Canada.
1. Taking the red eye flight is a much better idea than a late evening flight. WE ALL SLEPT!!! It truly rocked.
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Thursday, March 08, 2007
Friday, March 02, 2007
- Flying with children at night seemed like SUCH a great idea. Because well they will sleep the whole flight right? Hmm…not so much. Instead they will sleep maybe an hour. And tell you how bored they are. About a million times.
- Norm saw a gentleman walking down the aisle with a barf bag. When we explained what was happening, he took his own barf bag and somehow after coughing for fifteen minutes, elicited a barf of his own. He was quite pleased with himself after.
- The whole idea of letting your child under the age of two sit in your lap is a cruel joke by the airlines, perhaps to punish us for the free sodas and pretzels? Because really? What happens with that child is that he will crawl and flail and try to fondle the passengers in front of you who are already pissed because the attendant made them move so you didn’t have to leave your four year old alone in a row with two strangers. And he will also try to push every single button on the plane armrests between the seats numerous times. And open and shut the window shade. About a million times.
- We landed in Phoenix at 1130. We got to our hotel in Phoenix at 2am. (4am our time). And the children did not sleep. In essence? My children were up for almost 36 hours with about six hours of sleep. Those of you who have or have had small children? Or have been around tired small children? Sit back and picture that.
Oh friends, I had no idea what the word grueling truly meant until we took our children on a six hour cross country flight. We will be back next Wednesday morning but I plan on checking in as much as possible.
Before I go, I have an embarrassing confession to make. We are here hanging out with Gill’s dad, his sister, and her kids and I have to admit are the in-laws I always wanted. (on Gill’s side) I was always quite fond of both of them but we kept our distance because of Gill’s mom. My niece and nephew ROCK ASS. And this is the best trip Ive ever had here. I feel sooo guilty about it, but its true. I feel like a whole new world has opened up. And like Im going directly to a special place in hell for my “hi-ho the witch is dead” feelings. In my defense, I have not said that out loud. Except maybe to Gill. Who knew going in. Ok Im going back to my awesome family now.