Friday, April 20, 2007

Nightmares (warning: this post is grimmer than most of my stuff)

So I had some really harrowing nightmares last night. So harrowing that when I went to take my nap earlier, they came back at me. Did you ever have dreams that are so strong that you can actually feel them again when you put your head back down on the pillow that night? These dreams were like that.

The dreams were pretty consistenty about my mother. In one, she had reconciled with my father and tried to kick me out of the house where i grew up. (there is some history to that one) In the other one, (i think there were only two) I dreamt that she was trying to get back in my life and that she had tried to talk to norm without talking to me. (again, some history to that) I can see her face so clearly in that one. She has that "poor me" manipulative look on her face. And norm looks nervous and uncomfortable. In the dream, I was furious and trying not to let norm see, because i didnt want to scare him, but i was trying to get him away from her without a confrontation. Something happened and Gill ended up taking norm away, and i was facing her alone. And I raged. Damn it felt good. But she did not hear anything. She just kept playing the victim and crying. Im not a hitter by nature, and despite all that she did to us over the years, I never hit her back. Nor have I let that rage out on her. I wanted to hit her so badly in the dream and felt this utter sense of futility after the initial rush of raging. Thats what I woke up with. The sense of futility.

So all day, i was thinking, ok its friday, I cheated with the picture yesterday and i need to write something on my blog today. And I had a good day. Got some work done this am, took the kids to the park with our friend K and her kids. Ran into an old friend that I havent talked to in a year, but started playing phone tag with again just this week. Really a pleasant spring day. But no funny is in me today friends. A sense of dread despite the really nice day. Because even after all this time, and KNOWING she doesnt want anything to do with us, I still am afraid she can come back and take everything away from me again. Because despite the therapy, and the soul work and the massive changes in my personal life, I cant shake that control she has over my state of mind. Not even in my dreams. I think our culture really fucks people over with the archetype of mother as nurturer. I wonder if I am ever going to get better. Because Im happy. I need to be happy. I like being happy. I mean sadness happens sure, but i have an amazing life. And nobody should be allowed to sneak into my dreams and mess with that. Not george wendt. Not julian sands (who played a creepy vampire that chased me onto a ferris wheel a while back) and not my mother.

On the positive side, I made myself a really good burger tonight. I promise to return to regularly scheduled silliness tomorrow. I have a wedding tomorrow night so Im sure i will have lovely drunk crse stories for you soon.

5 comments:

winterskibunny said...

You know I have only begun to come to grips with this in the last two years. By George I think I've got it, but I am forty now. I wish I could have gotten it when I was twenty!!

Healing from Family Rifts Yahoo group is a really good group to read about these sort of things and vent. Avid, on that group, wrote a lot about what you are talking about.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

A good burger can cure all that ails you

ZigZagMan said...

I once made a bottle of "monster spray" for my son when he was very young. He kept it by his bed after I showed him how to use it. I find it effective for bad dreams as well..:)

psst....don't tell him it was just tap water in a spritzy bottle......it worked!! :)

luckybuzz said...

(((((crse))))))

That's all I've got. And lots and lots of love for you.

Jenny Ryan said...

Yeah, it's SO hard when mothers are takers and wounders rather than nurturers.

Also,...George Wendt?