Saturday, April 21, 2007

Dorkblogger scandal update! (scroll down for current post as this is a sticky note)



Folks, we've had a slight mishap (in typical dork style) and we had to change the voting process and start all over. At the risk of being a vote whore, PLEASE VOTE FOR ME! (but only if you think im funniest!)

PLEASE!!! I NEED to be the princess of dork. I dont even care about the gift card! I NEED THAT TITLE. So please vote for me at Dorkbloggers. I need this people.

ITS TIME! THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE Friday the dorkteenth 13 TOP CRSEDORK MOMENTS.

During the planning stages of the dorkteenth contest, Ive been plagued with the thought that none of my dork stories are all that lengthy or involved. What to write....Well this week it occurred to me. I need a people’s choice all-time crse dork moments. So I made phonecalls, sent texts, and spread the word in general for friends and family to share particular crse dork memories. I was hoping to get 13. I actually got many more. However, in the spirit of the dorkteenth, I am offering you what appear to be the top 13 crse dork moments in the recent past.


1. As I was wrapping a gift on the coffee table with a lit candle nearby, Gill chastised me to be careful. In the midst of my haughty reply, the wrapping paper went up into flames. I scorched my hair but the gift was saved.
2. I attempted to dry my clothes in an oven when I didn’t own a washer or dryer. The clothes caught on fire and the entire apartment was engulfed in toxic smelling smoke. I thought I was going to die along with my friend Julie’s two cats.
3. When I interviewed for my current job, my boss asked about my experience with children. I mentioned teaching Sunday school but actually had to ask her not to contact them because and I quote “I left the Baptist church in shame.”( I did not elaborate to tell her it was because of the incident when I compared Jesus’s trial to OJ Simpson’s trial.) It was my first experience with realizing that my boss had incredible social grace as she did not look appalled AND STILL HIRED ME.
4. Almost eight years later, (and Im certain many times in between) she exhibited that same social grace by not reacting oddly at all when I was on a quest to find symbolic implements of protection for her and inadvertently gave her a wand that looked like a GIANT BLACK COCK. Oh and with the cock? I gave her three small crystal BALLS! She did not even blink and sat and talked to me for a half an hour without alluding to the awkwardness of the gift. Afterwards, Madame Fabu gently pointed it out and my boss admitted that she liked the idea that since she has to play with the “big boys” in administration she now had her own cock and balls! (and yes Im very grateful to work for someone with a good sense of humor)
5. Speaking of work, I do not think I was blogging yet when I was orienting a new employee. I took him to the school where he would be working. I introduced him to the receptionist, bent over to sign in, and my skirt completely dropped to the floor. The receptionist was still laughing two hours later when I left.
6. Another work incident involved me unthinkingly making a joke to my client’s mother about kidnapping her son. (I did say I was not kidnapping her son, so that was positive…)
7. Yet another work incident occurred when I got my car stuck in the snow bank at a client’s farmhouse. Two weeks in a row.
8. Various dorky car mishaps include hitting two drunk drivers in two months, having to drive around town with my doors open in the cold because they would not shut, (I had to grip the seat belts with my arms while I steered. It was horrific), and having to drive an hour home with my trunk tied together with a piece of ribbon from a birthday present I found in the trunk because it would not stay shut.
9. The standout car mishap of course would be when the deer ran into my car and I just kept driving. They love the story at the office of me not having a back window, glass all over the place, being freezing cold, confidential papers flying everywhere around the car and trying to explain that I didn’t need to come back because I had really important appointments. Madame Fabu basically snapped me back to reality by telling me that I was in shock and I needed to stop thinking and turn around and come back.
10. And then there are the dorkospective moments, when you don’t realize your dorkiness till afterwards. An example would be leaving my husband’s company Christmas party to find out that the man Id been talking to about nuclear waste for two hours was Lloyd the schizophrenic warehouse guy. In my defense, they are software engineers! They have zero social skills anyway, how would i have known?
11. My friend Andy had this for the mix: one night she called me after a meeting where I appeared to be extremely tense and was also dressed very professionally. She could not figure out this drastic change to my look and personality and was worried something really bad happened. I had to explain to her that the tension was sleeplessness as I was adjusting to adderall, The dress? With due respect to confidentiality, the mother of a client works at a company owned by the family of the lead singer of an extremely famous band. Im not in love with the guy or anything but I would definitely let him eat crackers in my bed anytime. (gill wouldn’t of course as he doesn’t let me eat crackers in there either) So obviously when I had to stop by her work, I needed to look my best just on the very off chance that he would be there.
12. And the repeated dork moments: Like boldly offering to pay for a meal or drinks or even ice cream for a group of people only to realize that I either lost my money card or did not have enough money as I thought, or left my money at home.
13. The final one almost didn’t make the cut, but it is slightly better than the other honorable mentions of dork. When I worked in retail, I was selling leather coats. One day, I do not know how it happened, but I knocked an entire rack of leather coats over onto myself. I ended up on the floor underneath all these coats yelling for help. The manager of my department literally,( and sadly im not joking or using the phrase euphemistically) peed her pants she was laughing so hard. It took ten minutes for people to stop laughing enough to get me out.

So the people have spoken and I lay my dorkdom out for the blogosphere. I haven’t won but Id still like to thank all the people who contributed to this list: My boss Lonnie Manko, Madame Fabu, my friend Andy, and of course Gill, who did not think I should stop at 13.


Is life too puzzling sometimes? Do you need answers? Then maybe you need to ask norm. He is my five year old who really wanted a blog. At the suggestion of one of my blogfriends, (thanks XO!)norm now offers wisdom and clarity in his own words to any and all inquiring minds.

23 comments:

Xavier Onassis said...

LOL! Glad I could help! I knew it would be a hit because:

1) 5 year olds know everything with perfect clarity.

2) Most adults could DESPERATELY USE some 5 year old advice. They know how to cut straight through the B.S. to get to the heart of the matter.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Maybe this can help ease the pain of Friday being the 13th...hmmm

ZigZagMan said...

LOL...damn gal, your going to be tough to beat!! :)

Factor 10 said...

CRSE, you are the Muse of Dork.
I can't decide between the present or the cock and balls (loving that Madame Fabu has three on deck).

Outstanding, my dear. Truly outstanding.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

I've had some odd dork car issues...

Ash said...

is so much better than mine! I shall vote for thee. is awesomeness being your bloggiefriend.
(Am russian lady today)

CRSE is So like, totally, SQUEEELICIOUS!

Jay said...

That was 13 pretty dorky situations.

I'm kind of stuck on the driving with doors open? That's really weird. ;-)

luckybuzz said...

You are just adorable, you know that? :)

ZigZagMan said...

Hey buddy...drop me an e-mail...I'll attatch said .wav file for your planned mischief..:)

gretty said...

You made me laugh so hard coffee come out of my nose! (It really stung)

Mert said...

OMG, GF, you had me dying! I think admitting to making an S in the bathroom (and showing your child, SNORT!) would be one good dork story!

the skirt and coat rack things had me rolling. I heart you!

ZigZagMan said...

I posted a link for ya on the blog just to make it easier....:)

Let me know if ya run into trouble..:)

Frank Sirmarco said...

My gods, you're like George Costanza trying to one up the survivor of the Andrea Doria!

You win!

winterskibunny said...

Um, what are you going to do if there is another contest?

Could you possibly have an ample supply of these moments? That you haven't purposely blocked out like me?

The Mistress of the Dark said...

I've dorked :)

Mrs.ZigZagMan said...

i dont know weather to cry, pray or laugh for/with you.... Happy Dork day!.

Amy said...

I bow down to you...

Lisa said...

You make me laugh every time I come visit! I voted for ya, of course!

Jenny Ryan said...

I voted for you!! Hope you kick some dork ass!

RockDog said...

If it helps, in my mind you will always be the dork princess...

Ash said...

U noes I wuv u and voted 4 u! (today, I'm an 8th grader who text's all day)

Madame Fabu said...

I just keep reading it over and over and over.....It has made my kidney stone pain bearable =)

Mert said...

Sweets, you will always be the "Princess" to me. ;)