Monday, September 10, 2007

Bitch and Moan Monday

Im sorry. I realize I just started laying the groundwork for the many tales of fifth grade and the perfect storm. However, I am far too crabby to continue right now and need to bitch and moan before....well...bad things happen. (I cry? I share a beer with the children? I dont know...just bad) So here are some things pissing me off/annoying me/demoralizing me (not in particular order) tonight.

- Ive truly lost the will to fight my two year old. Between his relentless struggle for power unpleasant stubborn and willfull streak completely age appropriate quest for independence Every. Single. Minute. Of. The. Day. and his sweet little "peese" (how can we not reward manners? except when "peese" is "let me push brother off the step stool onto the porcelain sink" or "let me take this bungee cord and hook one end to the door knob and the other to the dog") So has Norm. We are defeatedly watching sesame street for the third straight hour. The saddest part? Id stand up for Norm but he just doesnt want to hear his brother scream anymore.

- Ok Baby BEAWWWWW Its a FUCKING R ok? See a goddam speech therapist! If you are wondering why grandmama bear treats you like a baby? MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO BY SOME OTHER NAME THEN BABY BEAR you idiotic fuckwipe (sorry this is a long standing grudge)

- Zoe: you whiny little brat. For the record? It IS your fault that elmo's blanket ripped. It was NOT AN ACCIDENT. An accident would have been if you had snagged it on a zipper WHILE YOU WERE HANDING IT BACK TO HIM WHEN HE ASKED YOU TO. But since you PULLED ON IT AFTER HE TOLD YOU TO GIVE IT BACK? THAT IS NOT A FUCKING ACCIDENT. Thats you being a total spoiled little entitled asshole. I sometimes fantasize about being in Elmo In Grouchland just so you stop snowing everyone with your "poor little me, i didnt mean to" act and have to step up and own the shit storm you created with your selfish inconsiderate behavior.

- Sometimes, it is very demoralizing to find out that my supervisees are going to get slammed in a school meeting two hours before it happens. It is even more demoralizing to crash the meeting and have all the teachers act like I should have been more prepared. To a meeting that I wasnt...even...invited...to.

- It is also demoralizing to have the guidance counselor of said school who complained to everyone all day that he had to redistribute a memo because you needed to reschedule a meeting later this week (and here is a tip for all those in administration. Dont bitch to people who have professed to like me in the past. They will tell me just for the opportunity for us both to make fun of you) suddenly decide he is your best friend when you crash the meeting because he knows he is busted for not inviting you.

It seems most important to preface this next part with what ive realized about my breasts recently. In the past, Ive struggled with "the girls" as they are particularly big. My own confidence or lack thereof about my sexuality would end up being tied into the girls and i was extremely self conscious about how they were perceived by the world. However, a few years ago, I realized that it was simply man's fascination about boobs themselves that elicit the compulsion to stare. I found a strange sense of comfort with the knowledge that really? They could be attached to anybody male or female and they would still have the same effect. The same fellow who never looked me in the eye since we met in the early nineties would most likely be just as ogly towards anybody, david letterman, bob newhart, santa claus etc. had any of these fellows been sporting kazongas my size. Thus, introducing the girls to my political world seemed to be a smart and logical solution to boob management in my professional life. Please bear this in mind as you read on

- The most demoralizing part would be knowing that I deliberately chose to let him look down my shirt when he was wavering on filling out a form that I needed because I knew it would urge him to "make the right decision". In case you are wondering? Engaging in such a maneuver will leave one with a combination of the feeling of wanting to puke because you let it happen and being incredibly sad and defeated that it actually worked.

-Strangely, this did not make it more uplifting when Dr. Fuckly (a principal who apparently possesses kryptonite to my powers of cleavage)was not about to let a cheap look interfere with an opportunity to interrupt a discussion I was having with the fifth grade teachers about how well the perfect storm is doing to let me know in an unmistakably blaming tone of voice that her occupational therapist was left "out of the loop" in terms of her part of treatment. Apparently, the fact that the OT is affiliated with the school and not our agency along with the fact that by my very role definition I don't have any control over how that therapy is provided to my or any client is irrelevant. It is also apparently irrelevant that the OT only knew that she was "out of the loop" and not simply working around a documentation deficit from one of her own peers (which she was but I digress) is because I TOLD the OT this morning. Still, this is my fault. If the above did not make sense? Short answer. Dr. Fuckly publicly shames me for something that has about as much to do with me as the weather. In fact, shaming me for the weather would have made more sense.

-This leads me to a string of "should haves" lasting several hours. I should have unsmilingly met his gaze and told him that Im assuming this means he is handling the issue and thanking him (in as much as a condescendingly puzzled tone as I could muster) for sharing that information with me. I should have (again with puzzled condescension) apologized for missing the connection between her behavioral progress and this other therapy. I should have said "excuse you for talking. Please wait your turn". As it stands? If he ever makes me cry? I think I will punch him. For real.

- Turnip? Sweetie? We want to let you watch "melmo" but we dont understand why everytime he comes on tv you cry and say his name sadly. Peeze what baby? PEEZE WHAT??? WHAT CAN WE DO????

-Norm we arent going to miss the bus tomorrow for the third day in a row are we? Are we buddy? I dont mind so much but you get so disappointed it breaks my heart.

ok friends, that was kind of cathartic! Im going to bed early and tomorrow will be better.

17 comments:

Jay said...

Holy crap! I hope you feel better. ;-)

Lucy said...

Oh friend, I get it. I've always thought Zoey was a demanding little brat too (I mean, she made Elmo give up his swing for an effing rock), and BTW, if my darling Gwen is any gauge, second children are quite zoey-esque. Mr. Fuckley clearly has issues with his sexuality. Is the principal the new priest? Did I just go too far?

Moe said...

I get mad every. single. time. that Zoe does not give Elmo back his blanket. Yeah...I've spent many an hour with Elmo in Grouchland. Too many hours.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

I would look at Bob Newhart's boobs but wouldn't touch them.

If I were to touch them I wouldn't enjoy it. Much.

You can't make me do that so just don't try with all your fancy words and such.

Canada said...

I can't believe that I felt guilty that I didn't get around to letting Corwin and Clara watch Sesame Street. Seems my apathetic parental tv control has saved me hours of hell. (okay, we did watch lots and lots of the Wiggles. But I like them)

So sorry your Monday sucked so badly. I hope the rest of the week is better.

And my LOL moment? The use of the word "uplifting" immediately following the italic portion about big boobies (a curse I share. And think about shrinking in a surgical manner).

Gospel Bob said...

Wow, that was intense. You know, sharing beer with children isn't always a bad thing.

Bunny said...

Wow! We get "peeze" or "pweeeeeeeeze" around here too, with no clue to anything else or in reference to something unacceptable, like feline abuse. Girl and Turnip are destined to be together.

Ash said...

I've never thought of using my breasts in a male dominated society unless it was to get drinks. You may be onto something there buddy.

Mert said...

I totally understand your anger towards the cast and crew of sesame street my dear... i know all too well.

Ahhh yes, the boobs. It's a shame that they have such an affect on men (and women for that matter) , and it's a shame that we have to resort to using them as a weapon or trance inducing pendulums. Such is the plight of the big breasted.

adjunct whore said...

hey, we share the big breasted shit storm issue. i was flat one day, then i wasn't. i've never been the same:) but isn't it lovely growing up and learning find yourself sexy and not let lecherous superior's look down your shirt without forcing them to blush? i do.

now about sesame street: you have issues, man, let go of zoe and get into the older dvd's that star grover. he's the monster. and i stand by the wiggles: my 2-year old turns into a ball of hilarity whenever those campy aussies come on. it.is.hysterical! try it! soon turnip will be addicted, guaranteed. and there is no whining.

adjunct whore said...

i just realized that you're a leo and 37 too! you are the funnier, less selfish version of me (because see you must somehow fit into my narrative!)

RockDog said...

I will never think of Santa Clause again without also thinking of this blog...and him possibly having ginormous boobs.

I'll be in the back of the closet shivering in fear if you need me...

LOL

luckybuzz said...

"Peeze what baby? PEEZE WHAT???"

O.M.G. I freaking love you. Your family makes me ridiculously happy.

Jenny Ryan said...

Yeah, speaking as a 40 DD-er myself, it is not always easy to be so generously endowed in the bosom area.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Oh man I'd so like to bitch and moan with you, but I haven't the strength.

crse said...

Jay- thanks buddy!

Lucy- Oh SO not too far! I spent most of yesterday mentally making that comparison since you suggested it!

Moe!- (you know i love it when you comment!) I think about Owie every time the turnip gets excited for melmo. And thank you friend. I need the validation especially since norm is constantly trying to get me to let it go.

SB- My blog is a safe space here friend. Its ok to want to touch Bob Newhart's boobs. Remember, fondling his boobs is in a sense fondling your own inner man-boob. Now doesn't that feel nice? And when you truly can embrace that in your heart, you will be free to fondle the metaphorical everyman boob.

Canada- I LOVE the wiggles. We totally double dipped wiggles and sesame street with norm!

Gospel Bob- Why did i know you'd say that? Yet encouraging your children to want to marry you is a bad thing. Its that intriguing moral compass of yours baby. Sucks me in every time!

Bunny- I so agree. And know deep in my heart that the world will never be safe from their offspring!

Ash! Baby you have tremendous "negotiating power" in general! Bottle that stuff sister and you will know powers far beyond your wildest imaginations...

Mert- I agree with the woman thing too. I thought id become more pragmatic about using my boobs for the good of humanity but yeah. Its kind of a damn shame.

AW- Awww! Im not exactly at the grown up finding myself sexy stage but maybe this is the first step? Im all about grover. Well cookie and oscar are my top two but grover is definitely in my top five. Hmmm...cookie, oscar, ernie, grover and kermit. We went through wiggles with norm. I knew it was bad when id fight with him to let me watch them when he wanted some sort of educational crap. Murray is hot man!

AW- I noticed that too! When was your birthday? And i disagree. Im the more frivolous and irrelevant version of you! (and bet i could run circles around your so called "selfishness" baby!) Im proud to be in the narrative! Im good supporting cast!

Rockdog- Is that fear buddy? Or the excitement of the taboo?

LB- Ohhh you make us happy too!!! Norm asked if you would be our babysitter tonight. We agreed it would be awesome but he understood the logistics of california.

Jenny Ryan- Now I KNOW you are someone who can "use those powers for good!"

MOTD- I know that feeling well....ive been there for seven days and finally blew last night!

luckybuzz said...

OOOOOOOH! I want to babysit Norm!!!! Dammit...come to the west coast!