Saturday, September 01, 2007

Fridays with Norman

Warning: Self indulgent mommy post ahead.

You folks know I try to keep the normisms feature up to date right? Yet sometimes he does the cutest things and I just have to expand here. Especially after a particularly adorable day!

First incident: Driving to drop off paperwork. Just finished a lengthy conversation with Lucy about Operation Kiss My Ass. I did not think he could hear me or was even paying attention although I was careful not to use specifics in our discussion.
"Mommy Operation Kiss My Ass sounds a little inappropriate. Maybe you should try something know like about houses"

Second incident: Turnip is screaming and sobbing because the three minute ride between the Kentucky Fried CHicken and Madame Fabu's house was too much to bear. I told him Id give him a biscuit and of course got distracted with something stupid like trying not to get in an accident.
"Mommy! Give him a freaking biscuit already"

Third incident: Target school supply section. Norm is across the aisle, still visible but too far away for my visible comfort. I asked him what he was doing over there. He answers loudly.
"Oh nothing. Just holding my buttcheeks together so my poop doesnt come out."
He then refuses to ride in the cart so i can get him to the bathroom more quickly and proceeds to waddle across the store frequently offering status reports. "Its coming out just a little bit but Im trying to make it go back in." "Im holding it mommy. Im holding it real good with my butt" "ohhh mommy here it comes. No wait. Its back again." By the time we made to the bathroom, im fairly certain everyone in the store knew norm's bowel issues.

Fourth incident: not nec. a normism per se. But we are in the dressing room and he is trying on pants. He wiggles just a bit and a little chunk of poop (obviously compressed) drops down on the floor. We just looked at each other in shock. He smiled and look scared. And then I did what any responsible mother would do. Started giggling with him. I looked for some tissue paper laying around but there was nothing so we kicked it under the seat and got the hell out of there. Not my finest moment (especially because i can specifically remember being grossed out from finding a piece of poop in a dressing room when I worked in retail. And of course I questioned what kind of white trash parent would let that happen.) but it brought back a happy memory of a story about a certain blog reading friend and a valley view toilet display! It never gets old baby. Never.

Ok the last one is soccer related. Now my brother is coaching norm. And as Ive probably mentioned before, my brother is a total freak so he's trying to teach the five year olds defense strategy. And he of course calls it that. They are all totally confused except they know when the guys with the other color shirt have the ball they all are supposed to run to the net. So Norm is doing his little "goalie" thing next to his cousin and friend and a little girl from the other team also by the net is ready to make an assist. He says to her. "Excuse me. Could you please move?" I think organized sports has been waiting for someone like Norm.

Thanks for indulging me. Ill pace myself before the next cute Turnip post!


Xavier Onassis said...

"Its coming out just a little bit but Im trying to make it go back in." "Im holding it mommy. Im holding it real good with my butt" "ohhh mommy here it comes. No wait. Its back again."


Reminded me of that scene in "Rat Race". "I'm PRAIRIE DOGGING!!"

Norm just cracks me up!

The Mistress of the Dark said...


Can I say I pity the poor Target worker that had to find that little pressie though?

Cos I worked retail...and you gave me bad flashbacks..

bad ones.

really bad ones.

Bunny said...

Xavier and I had the same idea - Rat Race and prairie dogging!! (it peeks out of the hole, it goes back in; it peeks out of the hole, it goes back in . . . )

So freakin' cute, your kids. My six-year-old now says "oh shit" instead of "uh oh." You never know what they're picking up.

Gospel Bob said...

Wow....that was hilarious and horrifying at the same time. You have special skills.

MaggieMay said...

Norm is amazing. Like his mama.

adjunct whore said...

i almost peed in my pants reading this, seriously, i'm crying. mabye in sympathy. norm sounds fabulous....i'm linking you now.

Jay said...

I thought for sure you were going to say that when you got to the bathroom he said "Oh, I guess I didn't have to go after all."

I'm NEVER going into a Target dressing room again.

RockDog said...

Incident #3 (shouldn't this really ahve been #2??? LOL!) was HILARIOUS! I am going to submit this to Maxim as the joke of the month. LOL!

Mert said...

OMG, your Norm is so charming and hysterical! You had me laughing the WHOLE time I was reading, especially the part about the poo and a piece falling out.

crse said...

XO- I thought about Prairie Doggin' it too! But from one of the National Lampoon Vacations I think. I did see rat race. The fact that I actually cried at the ending was the first visible symptom of being pregnant!

MOTD- Yeah I worked retail too. And to be honest, Id seen way worse!

Bunny- Maybe I am thinking of Rat Race after all, but I swear it was on a Vacation movie too!

Gospel Bob- I am not going to touch that as it is just too wide of an opening....

Maggie May- Aw shucks! Right back atcha!

AW- Im blushing! Ive actually blog stalked you before so this is huge for me!

Jay-Its ok, it was the women's dressing room. Im guessing(hoping) this does not usually happen with grown men.

Rockdog- Aw! If we win free nudie magazines you need to share the wealth ok?

Mert-I knew youd love this one!