Must. Blog. Something

I know its bitch and moan monday. But it was like 70 degrees and sunny! And the end of the month and all my paperwork is done! And well...we have a mini trampoline in the middle of our living room! What the hell can i possibly have to bitch and moan about? Im sorry its been so quiet here. The end of the month got particularly ugly, we were busy having fun with the fabus, and then norm's party. (a smashing success)

The one thing I can find to bitch about today? Chinese food. It scares the hell out of me. Even the stuff that tastes good is strangely suspect to me. I think in the back of my mind (ok who am i kidding, the front of my mind too) I just have this fear that the food has been recycled because it is so unrecognizable. I mean seriously, how would we know if the proprietors just took left over stuff and re-prepped it in another form. I guess italian is the same way but i think i dont have the "eating from a garbage can" feeling because I have this irrational belief that the acidic nature of tomatoes is purifying. I really do like MSG though. Like in chex mix? Tasty stuff friends. Tasty stuff. Ok thats all i got besides a committment to try to blog more this week. Not only more, but also more frivolously. I feel I need to get back to the completely frivolous spirit that chez panflutemaster is known for. So that is my commitment to you.

Capping off the week of blogging disappointment

Ive sucked this week. Im off my game people. I have no real excuse except maybe an indicator of what else is happening in my life by offering two sentence i actually had to say yesterday....
"If she brings up her dead pony, whatever you do, do NOT comfort her, because you will undo about three weeks of therapy."
along with...
"I appreciate what you are saying but there really isnt a huge amount of social difference between humping the ground, and humping the air."


Edited to add: And I forgot about the incident during kindergarten screening yesterday. Parents were not allowed to go in with the kids but we were allowed to listen. You can imagine the wave of dread that washed over me when the speech therapist asked norm what he'd had for breakfast this morning. Needless to say it did not subside at all when I heard him answer "nothing...oh wait i had some kool-aid". Then he proceeded to tell her that his favorite foods are cereal milk and waffles. Just one more Mother Of the year moment.

My birthday boy

Ok this is not the retrospective i wanted to present. But since I have a half written post about madame fabu's interesting yet highly disturbing adventure into kidney stone surgery as well as another half written post about norm and aunt gretty's absolutely positively no good very bad day, and dont have time to give either post the attention needed to bring them up to stellar post quality (like youve come to suspect at chez panflutemaster!) here is the beginning of the retrospective. I have an idea for another one after his birthday party (OMG, I CANNOT BE A MOMBLOG) (Is it my fault that my children are so strikingly photogenic that it seems like a crime to deprive the world from their beautiful faces?) (On the other hand, it probably is my fault that their sociopathic antics make a great deal of fodder for what i hear is quite entertaining reading)Anyway love up some norm here and thanks to all of you for the happy birthday wishes....more norm, fabu and aunt gretty later...

inspirational post

Go to despair.com. It is pee your pants funny. Madame Fabu, I see some very nice boss's day gifts in here!

one end of the month tuesday

I LOVE......creating and posting birthday retrospectives of my babies.

I HATE.......data summaries with too many numbers, making graphs, and casenotes all at the end of the month.

BUT......I did NOT play mah jong tonight. I did however spend 12 hours out in the field before coming home to address the I HATE issues.....

tomorrow will be better....because its wednesday! And shouldnt wednesday be better than tuesday? I would definitely think so.....

Technical difficulties

Our birthday photo retrospective was rudely interrupting by attempts to upload too many pictures at once (along with a few other acts of idiocy)that ultimately caused the blue screen of death. Please stay tuned for more norm than you can possibly handle.

the unbirthday post (to be followed by the birthday post)

Ive been struggling all weekend with a post about virginia tech. Some great and profound ones like the fabulous miss trix and the hard-hitting xavier onassis and even my sweet sister in dorkhood Pippajo are out there and I felt like I needed to put the mental health perspective out there too. But then, today is Norm's fifth birthday and I want to celebrate. And I was on the computer going through pictures to post a norman retrospective, and I kept remembering one thing about the first time I held him. He was all plugged into babyhelping machines, the news was on in my hospital room at the time, and the local anchorman was speaking. He was a figure known about town, as an old bloated drunken bitter man.(he has since passed on) And I remember looking into norm's face and being completely overwhelmed by the amount of love I felt for him. It was nothing less than surreal, that sense of immeasurable love. I think I said out loud to my friends in the room that it amazed me that someone probably actually held and loved that anchorman and felt the same sense of fear and hope and overwhelming commitment to doing everything she could to make his life perfect. I know that babies are born everywhere who do not have that sense of love surrounding them. But a lot of babies do have it.

What scares the hell out of me as a mother and as a mental health worker is that a lot of times even if a mom feels that love, its not enough to make a kid's life perfect, or even bearable sometimes. When people ask Norm what I do at my job, he will tell them that I teach other kids how to play nice with other kids. (My aunt told him that when he was very small). What Norm doesn't know is that 3/4 of my case load could, with no big stretch, fit the profile of the virginia tech shooter. And what people may not know is that sometimes mental health workers are not overburdened and negligent, nor are we completely lacking insight. But sometimes, something happens to a kid you are working with, and you look back over and over and try to figure out what it was. What you could have done differently. And you look at the parents and you try so hard to make them hear. But they cant hear even though deep down they know. They know. But to admit that something is wrong with your kid is hard enough. To admit something like that is wrong? It keeps a mom up night after night. Talking herself in and out of the possibilities. And sometimes she makes the leap and lets her kid get hospitalized for treatment. But then the kid comes out. And you struggle like hell to reinforce what the kid learned in there. How to cope, how to express feelings, how to stay safe. And you do every damn possible thing you can think of and then some to keep everyone safe. And sadly, sometimes, there are other people in the system that say "oh thats just cho. Thats just how he is." And you literally do not have the power, whether you break laws or not (and trust me, a lot of us will break laws to save lives without blinking an eye.) to make people understand that this is a time bomb situation. And the kid knows how to say what he or she needs to say to stay out of trouble now. He knows what to say to convince others he is not a risk anymore. But you know. You see the actions. And they dont match the words. But again "thats just cho, what do you want us to do? lock him up for being weird?" So you spend a lot of time being sick to your stomach and unable to sleep. You think about everything from do you know enough restraint training to disarm a kid with a gun if you are there to who will raise your children, to all of the moms who might not end up having kids to raise if this time bomb goes off. And you cry. And you have nightmares. And you talk a lot to peers and supervisors. Who confirm what you know. That you cannot lock someone up permanently just because they are "weird" and "mean spirited". So you go on every single day. Doing everything you can to stop it from happening. And you spend a lot of time thinking about what could have been different. Wondering how the thing in his brain that made him understand and care broke. Because you work with the parents and you know he is loved... and you know a long time ago someone looked into his face with every single hope and fear you have for your very own children. And thats about the time you realize its not a fault thing but sometimes life really fucking bites.

Dorkblogger scandal update! (scroll down for current post as this is a sticky note)

Folks, we've had a slight mishap (in typical dork style) and we had to change the voting process and start all over. At the risk of being a vote whore, PLEASE VOTE FOR ME! (but only if you think im funniest!)

PLEASE!!! I NEED to be the princess of dork. I dont even care about the gift card! I NEED THAT TITLE. So please vote for me at Dorkbloggers. I need this people.

ITS TIME! THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE Friday the dorkteenth 13 TOP CRSEDORK MOMENTS.

During the planning stages of the dorkteenth contest, Ive been plagued with the thought that none of my dork stories are all that lengthy or involved. What to write....Well this week it occurred to me. I need a people’s choice all-time crse dork moments. So I made phonecalls, sent texts, and spread the word in general for friends and family to share particular crse dork memories. I was hoping to get 13. I actually got many more. However, in the spirit of the dorkteenth, I am offering you what appear to be the top 13 crse dork moments in the recent past.


1. As I was wrapping a gift on the coffee table with a lit candle nearby, Gill chastised me to be careful. In the midst of my haughty reply, the wrapping paper went up into flames. I scorched my hair but the gift was saved.
2. I attempted to dry my clothes in an oven when I didn’t own a washer or dryer. The clothes caught on fire and the entire apartment was engulfed in toxic smelling smoke. I thought I was going to die along with my friend Julie’s two cats.
3. When I interviewed for my current job, my boss asked about my experience with children. I mentioned teaching Sunday school but actually had to ask her not to contact them because and I quote “I left the Baptist church in shame.”( I did not elaborate to tell her it was because of the incident when I compared Jesus’s trial to OJ Simpson’s trial.) It was my first experience with realizing that my boss had incredible social grace as she did not look appalled AND STILL HIRED ME.
4. Almost eight years later, (and Im certain many times in between) she exhibited that same social grace by not reacting oddly at all when I was on a quest to find symbolic implements of protection for her and inadvertently gave her a wand that looked like a GIANT BLACK COCK. Oh and with the cock? I gave her three small crystal BALLS! She did not even blink and sat and talked to me for a half an hour without alluding to the awkwardness of the gift. Afterwards, Madame Fabu gently pointed it out and my boss admitted that she liked the idea that since she has to play with the “big boys” in administration she now had her own cock and balls! (and yes Im very grateful to work for someone with a good sense of humor)
5. Speaking of work, I do not think I was blogging yet when I was orienting a new employee. I took him to the school where he would be working. I introduced him to the receptionist, bent over to sign in, and my skirt completely dropped to the floor. The receptionist was still laughing two hours later when I left.
6. Another work incident involved me unthinkingly making a joke to my client’s mother about kidnapping her son. (I did say I was not kidnapping her son, so that was positive…)
7. Yet another work incident occurred when I got my car stuck in the snow bank at a client’s farmhouse. Two weeks in a row.
8. Various dorky car mishaps include hitting two drunk drivers in two months, having to drive around town with my doors open in the cold because they would not shut, (I had to grip the seat belts with my arms while I steered. It was horrific), and having to drive an hour home with my trunk tied together with a piece of ribbon from a birthday present I found in the trunk because it would not stay shut.
9. The standout car mishap of course would be when the deer ran into my car and I just kept driving. They love the story at the office of me not having a back window, glass all over the place, being freezing cold, confidential papers flying everywhere around the car and trying to explain that I didn’t need to come back because I had really important appointments. Madame Fabu basically snapped me back to reality by telling me that I was in shock and I needed to stop thinking and turn around and come back.
10. And then there are the dorkospective moments, when you don’t realize your dorkiness till afterwards. An example would be leaving my husband’s company Christmas party to find out that the man Id been talking to about nuclear waste for two hours was Lloyd the schizophrenic warehouse guy. In my defense, they are software engineers! They have zero social skills anyway, how would i have known?
11. My friend Andy had this for the mix: one night she called me after a meeting where I appeared to be extremely tense and was also dressed very professionally. She could not figure out this drastic change to my look and personality and was worried something really bad happened. I had to explain to her that the tension was sleeplessness as I was adjusting to adderall, The dress? With due respect to confidentiality, the mother of a client works at a company owned by the family of the lead singer of an extremely famous band. Im not in love with the guy or anything but I would definitely let him eat crackers in my bed anytime. (gill wouldn’t of course as he doesn’t let me eat crackers in there either) So obviously when I had to stop by her work, I needed to look my best just on the very off chance that he would be there.
12. And the repeated dork moments: Like boldly offering to pay for a meal or drinks or even ice cream for a group of people only to realize that I either lost my money card or did not have enough money as I thought, or left my money at home.
13. The final one almost didn’t make the cut, but it is slightly better than the other honorable mentions of dork. When I worked in retail, I was selling leather coats. One day, I do not know how it happened, but I knocked an entire rack of leather coats over onto myself. I ended up on the floor underneath all these coats yelling for help. The manager of my department literally,( and sadly im not joking or using the phrase euphemistically) peed her pants she was laughing so hard. It took ten minutes for people to stop laughing enough to get me out.

So the people have spoken and I lay my dorkdom out for the blogosphere. I haven’t won but Id still like to thank all the people who contributed to this list: My boss Lonnie Manko, Madame Fabu, my friend Andy, and of course Gill, who did not think I should stop at 13.


Is life too puzzling sometimes? Do you need answers? Then maybe you need to ask norm. He is my five year old who really wanted a blog. At the suggestion of one of my blogfriends, (thanks XO!)norm now offers wisdom and clarity in his own words to any and all inquiring minds.

Nightmares (warning: this post is grimmer than most of my stuff)

So I had some really harrowing nightmares last night. So harrowing that when I went to take my nap earlier, they came back at me. Did you ever have dreams that are so strong that you can actually feel them again when you put your head back down on the pillow that night? These dreams were like that.

The dreams were pretty consistenty about my mother. In one, she had reconciled with my father and tried to kick me out of the house where i grew up. (there is some history to that one) In the other one, (i think there were only two) I dreamt that she was trying to get back in my life and that she had tried to talk to norm without talking to me. (again, some history to that) I can see her face so clearly in that one. She has that "poor me" manipulative look on her face. And norm looks nervous and uncomfortable. In the dream, I was furious and trying not to let norm see, because i didnt want to scare him, but i was trying to get him away from her without a confrontation. Something happened and Gill ended up taking norm away, and i was facing her alone. And I raged. Damn it felt good. But she did not hear anything. She just kept playing the victim and crying. Im not a hitter by nature, and despite all that she did to us over the years, I never hit her back. Nor have I let that rage out on her. I wanted to hit her so badly in the dream and felt this utter sense of futility after the initial rush of raging. Thats what I woke up with. The sense of futility.

So all day, i was thinking, ok its friday, I cheated with the picture yesterday and i need to write something on my blog today. And I had a good day. Got some work done this am, took the kids to the park with our friend K and her kids. Ran into an old friend that I havent talked to in a year, but started playing phone tag with again just this week. Really a pleasant spring day. But no funny is in me today friends. A sense of dread despite the really nice day. Because even after all this time, and KNOWING she doesnt want anything to do with us, I still am afraid she can come back and take everything away from me again. Because despite the therapy, and the soul work and the massive changes in my personal life, I cant shake that control she has over my state of mind. Not even in my dreams. I think our culture really fucks people over with the archetype of mother as nurturer. I wonder if I am ever going to get better. Because Im happy. I need to be happy. I like being happy. I mean sadness happens sure, but i have an amazing life. And nobody should be allowed to sneak into my dreams and mess with that. Not george wendt. Not julian sands (who played a creepy vampire that chased me onto a ferris wheel a while back) and not my mother.

On the positive side, I made myself a really good burger tonight. I promise to return to regularly scheduled silliness tomorrow. I have a wedding tomorrow night so Im sure i will have lovely drunk crse stories for you soon.

For Gospel Bob

Is this the face of a MADE UP Syndrome?

in case you wondered.

-People sometimes wonder why I dont blog more about my job or other areas of my life. Its not that I dont want to, but friends? There are a lot of days when I am driving home thinking, "what the hell happened today?" and I want to share, but then I think ok how would i even begin to explain this day? So I keep reminding myself that the day is over and I can unclench my teeth and turn counselor crse (who maintains a pleasant upbeat demeanor while you are tellng me anything from how your wife is having an internet affair, to how you are worried that your kid has suddenly started shitting all over the toilet) off. Somewhere on that drive home I realize, there is no way i could begin to explain how i got into a staredown with an emotionally disturbed fifth grader (and was gleeful that I won) ended up getting puked on by a two month old baby, spent a great deal of time strategizing with my co-workers about how to avoid the very bad hygiene and smell of a client's friend, dealt with a client's father who makes every conversation with him as productive as galloping through a field of shit, and explained to yet another teacher that when my client is on the floor with his hand down his pants, and bouncing up and down on his stomach, it is NOT a sensory behavior but it IS incredibly inappropriate.

So yeah some days, its much easier and less stressful to blog in the moment. And my biggest concern at this moment is whether the turnip has officially become the poster child for HBS (hateful baby syndrome). I am actually calling the dr tomorrow to see if she will check him out for any physiological causes for his meanness. Now Im falling asleep so goodnight dear friends.

The post that should have never been

This is what I woke up to this morning.

(first a little voice either singing or mumbling to himself under the pillows until a head pops up) "Mom do you remember Naruto last night because i need to play it with aunt gretty today." No buddy, go back to sleep. "Its ok if you dont mom i remember how to make the wind sign and what else do I need?" Ok good baby, go back to sleep. "No mom i think i need to get up and start my day, so Im nice and fresh. Ill just be in the living room mom but i wont get snatched because all the doors are locked and if i do get snatched, i will kick and bite and scream MOMMY as loud as i can and then we can go hide in the basement and the guy who is trying to snatch me wont even know where to look and you can call the police mom. Youll have to bring your phone down ok mom? Or Maybe we should go to the attic. Where do you think we should live mom? Attic or basement? Maybe we should just live down in the basement cause its warm. Mom do you know how tornados are made? The hot air and the cold air are chasing each other around and around until they make a big windy circle. Its pretty cool mom as long as we are in the basement. I think im going to go take a shower mom but i dont need help because i know how to turn the water on without burning myself." (ed note: he actually does, and while I would not let any five year old do this, apparently he experimented with this without my knowledge and has this skill now) "So this is how i do it mom, i turn on the cold all the way like this (shhhhhhh) and then i just add the hot little by little til its warm enough and then i turn it on. But dont worry mom, i wont get snatched in the shower ok? Mom turnip is awake." (still clinging to the hope that i might at least be able to shut my eyes for five more minutes)He's not crying buddy leave my door open and ill get him in a minute. "oh you gotta get him now mom he is saying mommadat. He wants you" (ok maybe since he just woke up he will snuggle during the shower.....and he stinks and he has stripped off his pajamas, but he is not crying so I can take the smell for five minutes until he starts getting wiggly) "mom you know he cant come into the shower with me because he got clean last night and he stinks and his hair looks really weird" Buddy he is not going to want to be in the shower, he is afraid of the shower. Maybe he will stand there and talk to you but he wont go in. (because clearly turnip is not into the snuggle, ok maybe they will entertain each other in their the door is open, ill just lay here until after.You would think after five solid years of the "few minutes more" NEVER working out, id give up. I never give up.) "MOM, YOU HAVE TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE because one: he got cleaned last night" (do you like the list structure he does now? He actually makes it appropriately sequential one out of four times! Also, note that even norm, in his tender years, does not accept what gill does in the nuclear accident scrub down as a bath) "two: he stinks and three: his hair looks weird." As you can imagine friends, so far, this is not the morning i wanted to have.

Bitch and Moan Monday (generalized surly edition)

Im. So. Crabby. I cannot stand myself.
Here are my complaints in no particular order.

- The obvious dorkbloggers scandal pissed me off. Because some assholes (YEAH I CALLED YOU ASSHOLES) cheated, the people who really had funny stories and lots of votes like Aunt Jackie and Zigzagman lost a bunch of votes because we have to start all over. Even worse, we have to go and make a new poll every night so people can vote fresh every day. People suck.

-Have any of you seen the chef boyardee ravioli commercial? Where the mom asks the little girl what she wants for dinner while they are shopping and she picks up a can of raviolis and her mom says "not tonight hon, youve had chef every night this week."? Now dont get me wrong, I can totally suspend belief about the can following the little girl home. Creepy? well yes, but i get it. What really bugs the shit out of me about this commercial is that dialogue. Ok first? Mom asks the little girl RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CHEF BOYARDEE SHELF? Uh gee, if she had chef every night that week, why not ask her in FRONT OF THE FUCKING DELI OR IN THE DAMN FROZEN SECTION? Jackass. Also, what the fuck? You already made the mistake of asking her in front of chef, after she ate it every night this week. And NOW you decide to draw the line in the sand? COME ON! She's had the sodium and the preservatives and the processed shit FOR DINNER EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK! Now you are the goddam mother of the year because you are shooting her down in the grocery store. Stupid fucking jackass.

-Speaking of children, The turnip is once again a snarly disdainful fit throwing mess. Caligula and Nero. These are my children. Gill had the helpful idea that perhaps the turnip is so surly because he is trying so hard to talk and he is frustrated because he cant tell us what he wants. In actuality, its not the communication barrier setting him back. Its the fact that im not going to give him what he wants whether he has words or not. Because turnip listen. There is no good way for a toddler to ask for a 32 oz glass of iced tea to carry about the house. Ever. And if a toy is a solid object that happens to have a rim around the top, I cannot "open" the toy. No matter how much it pisses you off buddy. And after the clogging incident last week, Im certain that the rest of the household is clear as to why i cant just give you a roll of toilet paper and leave you alone as you seem to desire.

- I made a fantastic dinner (yeah you read that right) of chicken pesto ravioli and gill had to work late so he did not get to enjoy it hot. It was very disheartening. (Ok to be honest, i took the market day diced chicken cubes and mixed it with the sam's club pesto while i boiled the raviolis, but seriously? for me, thats freaking gourmet shit!)

Ahhh what do i have to complain about really? Ill leave you with the line that made my whole day turn to sunshine.

Me: You are growing up so quickly baby, its going by too fast.
Norm: Its ok mommy, the bigger I get, the more i can love you.

We knew it!

Aunt Gretty sent this. Needless to say we are beside our selves with pride and joy.

The overdue Imus post.

Ok friends, Ive been a little lax on this topic, leaning on my other blog friends to express my disgust. Now usually I try not to get into serious issues on my blog. Not because I dont enjoy a good dialogue about serious issues or because im uninvolved, but only because I specifially designed my blog to be just a place for friends to come and laugh and maybe feel a little better about their day. But to let you know, Ive pontificated on this issue a lot in real time, screamed at the talking heads in the news who defend this individual and wrote my appropriate emails of protest to both msnbc and cbs. However, while going through my bloglist today catching up on you folks, I came across the most thought provoking and well-written post by the bloggoddess Trixie that made me want to stand up and shout HELL YEAH. As I was responding to her post and subsequent commentors on her post, I realized that probably offering a three paragraph comment in her post might indicate that I should finally address this. But I encourage you to go read her post because she covers things that I absolutely cannot say better and will not try.

I want to go on record saying that Im extremely glad Don Imus got fired. I do not believe his firing was any harsher than the very personal unprovoked attack he directed at those young women. I could care less if it was a financial decision or a moral decision. The point is, he is no longer getting paid to spew unprovoked hate and ignorance.

As for the black community being hypocritical about rappers and such, Im not sure where that comes from. Those who've actually followed the dialogue in this area when it didnt affect the dominant paradigm already know that leaders of the community HAVE attacked this type of language. There is no double standard in that comparison. The difference is that rappers have financial backing from those who embrace hate language. Don Imus no longer has that backing.

People should be allowed to make mistakes yes. But what would the mistake here be? That Imus misjudged the impact of his hate words? That his opinion is wrong? I think the mistake here is that his entire thought process is based on ignorance, fear and hate. And I have no problem forgiving him this mistake as long as he continues on the path of learning and makes it right. However, actions have consequences. And when enough people who've ignored you for years become aware that the "high minded political discussion facilitator" persona youve been trying to develop allows the inner racist and misogynist bully through and directly hurting completely innocent people, there are going to be consequences. Bear in mind, this was not a general slur. This was specifically directed at ten people who were shamelessly attacked for no reason. It was hate. Pure hate. And sorry you made the mistake of showing it, but maybe now you wont be allowed to get paid contributing to a culture of ignorance and malice. Yes, the line should have been drawn years ago with your general hate spewing, and its sad that it took you attacking young role models to stop your vitriolic rancor. But at least it's a start. Quit worrying about the rappers and anyone who listens to them. It only shows your ignorance further that you are unaware of how we as a society are trying to deal with self denigration in a cycle of oppression.

But all told, I want to thank Don Imus, because he is bringing to light how much our culture accepts this as ok and gave those unaware an opportunity to take a good hard honest look at the continued underlying racism and sexism that has been accepted in our society for far too long as ignorant middle class white people talk about how our culture is not that racist anymore. Oh and also, Don? your wife is too damn good for you. You should be kissing her feet that she is even willing to deal with you at all after the sickness youve spewed.

Ok thats all the pontification you will get from me today.

squee!!!

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday was an exercising in gruelling with very few bright spots. Today several amazing things happened!

- At 11 this morning, I got a delightful text from a co-worker informing me that FICG had been walking around all day with a hole in his ass without knowing it. About an hour later, I got another text from a different co-worker telling me that one of the students at his school had pointed it out to him at lunch. I think I really don't need to elaborate on why this made the world a better place for me today.

-Al Franken is running for U.S. Senate. Yay! Ive been a fan after reading both Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot, and Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. Yay!

- The people have spoken and Imus got cancelled today. Im all about free speech and love the fact that enough people spoke freely enough to let the sponsors know that spewing hate is not going to make you money. Oh I could go on but our good friend XO summed it up perfectly.

Ok I REALLY need to update my blogroll and i promise I will do this soon because my god, you people need to read each other! You guys rock!

TMI Tuesday

Once again a visit to our friendly neighborhood Zigzagman reminded me that it is once again TMI tuesday crse style. So here goes:

-I have been thinking that I might want to send my poop pictures into rate my poo.com. Interestingly, after visiting the site, Ive noticed that while I find my own poop endlessly fascinating, other people's poop kind of grosses me out. I think I just need my own personal rate my poop site.

- In retrospect, it occurs to me that it would have been much more efficient to just eat all the mini reese's cups on easter eve instead of trying to dig surreptitiously through two easter baskets when little eyes are not jealously guarding their baskets.

- I had the possible worst fashion day ever after a series of events somehow led me to wearing a navy blue top, brown pants and black shoes. I was scaring myself.

- Another embarrassing incident occurred when after handling a client's notebook, i somehow managed to transfer a disturbing brown gooey substance to the back of the notebook. The worst part? I completely blamed the client and totally lied about not knowing where the substance came from (my car...i think some fruit and some tootsie rolls might have been involved)


- Gill and norm WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING. (this isnt really embarrassingly tmi but its current events in the household) And the turnip has been replaced with a hideously whiny motherhating changeling.

and that my friends, is all i got today.

bitch and moan monday the not so spring edition

Im so tired of being cold.
Here are some random bitches and moans in no particular order.

- Sometimes I just want to hurt children. Not my children. Not even my clients. I want to hurt other children who are mean and vicious and throw things like balls at people. And I also want to hurt the teachers that let it happen.

- Test question: If your supervisor leaves you a text message telling you that she wants you to call her, is it not proper protocol to call her? Did I miss the memo about this? Fucking iced cookie guy

-Is there any justice in the world that allows for the fact that while all of you got that test question, FICG did not, ergo I must drag my tired sorry ass out of bed at 6am to make sure Im at school waiting to lay the smack down when he walks in tomorrow?

- Since you did so well on the test, I offer you this math equation. One toddler + unholy amounts of chocolate - any reasonable nap= A horrific evening full of screams of dissatisfaction.

- Madame Fabu has another kidney stone! Boo hiss to kidney stones.

ok im sure i could bitch further but for now, the screaming has stopped and Im just feeling grateful for this little love crew I got going on here.

Maybe spring will come tomorrow.....

mmm....bunnyheads....tasty

Its easter morning here at the panflutemaster house. So far, my children have experienced parental lies (at 630 "you have to be really quiet because the easter bunny sometimes comes early in the morning and if you make the slightest noise, you could scare him and he will drop all your candy" I was kind of proud of this as it bought me an extra hour and a half of sleep), violence (norm got a black eye when he was choking gill and gill snapped his head back) and a complete hedonistic abandon in eating all the candy they can fit into their little mouths. After baskets, i went back to bed and worshipped at the church of sleep until noon. My price for this? I had to hear gill use the phrase "making whoopee". Thanks there bob eubanks. That was a total turn on.

Anyway, I want to thank you folks for supporting normtasia. I am working on finding the right voice to make it as pure norm as possible while providing all the details i can. Im struggling friends. But its fun and he is enjoying it immensely and has decided he wants to invite you all to his birthday party. Ill keep you posted on that one. Otherwise, enjoy your sunday!

Five out of five readers agree....

Ok friends! It is done! Please go give my little norm some love at his new blog (no he is not a genius, im helping a LOT) Normtasia. We are very excited and look forward to hearing from you all! Please feel free to add it to your blogrolls (thanks canada!) and visit frequently. Also, you can speak freely on the blog as norm cannot read and i can provide appropriate parental guidance in terms of sharing.

Random Friday Thoughts

-First i want to apologize for the misconceptions from my last post. Gret is hopefully not going to stop being my wife at this point. Its just a random anxiety i have because this is the easiest my life has been since we had kids. On a positive note, she just got accepted into an art show (and just walked in from an aborted attempt at getting her hair cut to tell me that gill called and he is on his way. is it wrong that she is the wife we've always wanted?) so my hope is she gets a patron and happily paints her heart out while my children play quietly nearby.

-Also, sometimes im afraid that i unnecessarily alarm my real and bloggy friends with my overdrama. I promise its all for your entertainment. Honest.

- I just switched back to my old conditioner. Had to shell out 25 bucks but i swear i heard my hair follicles cry praises of joy as i was conditioning just now.

-Norm told us this morning at breakfast (again is it wrong that i feel it should be understood without explanation that "us" indicates gret and me?) that he wants his own blog. Im thinking why not? I mean obviously id be its administrator with him just dictating answers so what is the worst that could happen? Thats not rhetorical. Offer me feedback about this in case im missing something. I promise i take my duty seriously folks. In fact, I already explained that posting the picture he made me take of him completely naked in 3d glasses was a REALLY BAD IDEA. Even though the picture is tasteful and nothing is showing. (he is behind a pillow a la demi moore)So yes i promise a tasteful blog from norm. Let me know guys. seriously.

All right folks, thats all i got because i gotta go see this hot guy with a ridiculous mustache. We are heading to fabus to dye easter eggs. (sadly i dont think they came from "happy chickens")

Thursday Thirteen number 3

Thirteen Things Crse is Worried About This Week

1. Norm's wistfulness about his ill-spent past. Lately, he has been referring back to his "childhood" and talking about if he were that age again, he would really do things differently. All this remorse before the age of five.
2. Gret not being my life manager anymore. (I cannot even speak about this) But go see her blog if you havent already!
3. Will we ever have premium movie channels again?
4. On that note, will my quality of life ever really improve? One of the mothers I work with tried to sell me cream for the bags under my eyes. I was shocked because for the past five years Ive honestly believed that the bags were only because Im not getting enough sleep. Once I get caught up and rested, they would go away. For the first time it occurred to me, Oh my god that is not going to happen in the foreseeable future. I will never get to watch grown up television, i will never leave the house unfettered, I will never completely relax again. Ergo those bags aint going away.
5. Is it better to admit to the children that I am a crappy mom or should I deny and let them realize it on their own? I guess the only difference is whether they will seek the therapy sooner or later based on the knowledge. This worry came as I was giving the turnip cookies for breakfast today.
6. Several small fires brewing at work. Only one is actually patient related. (no worries madame fabu, its just everyday bullshit)
7. Im flailing around in limbo since I lost my bag of important things. It isnt just the lost stuff, its the sense that anything could disappear with a moment's notice. Ive already misplaced a stack of checks and my bank card several times. I have no sense of constancy.
8. Along the suckmom lines, I am totally neglecting their spiritual development. On the other hand, this post totally made me want to stand up and scream "Hell yeah". Now if I could only impart it all into my children.
9. Even though Im a sorry assed excuse for a grand dork, Im very nervous about Friday the dorkteenth. How do we link in? Is there any way I can be disqualified because Im thinking about taking the dork out of the box.
10. What is going to happen to My man Kirby Carson?
11. The knowledge that we are completely out of cheese and I STILL have not gotten my eyebrows waxed is weighing on me. There is a connection between the two but the correlation is not causal.
12. The messed up societal values Im exposing my kids to every day. Everything from rampant consumerism to our fucked up attitudes about death to the ideals we as a society hold sacred. aw fuck.
13. On that note, Blogmaster rock star Xavier Onassis and my favorite neurotic wise west coastbloggin' surfer boy both had disturbing realities on their blogs that yanked my head right out of the sand.

And that friends...is what is going through the mind of a crse this week.

norm and me. Frowning.

Sadly, this is the most flattering picture of me in years. Im also taking this as a clear sign that my new conditioner is not working out.

TMI Tuesday and a shout out

Well folks, It is once again time for the 2nd edition of TMI Tuesday (crse style). The illustrious Zig graciously explained that this is an established group meme complete with intimate questions each week. Now friends, i have no problems offering details about my intimate life, but i do know my audience. Unless you as a whole decide you want these details, I will refrain. And offer you my own brand of TMI! (and no i will NOT refrain from these details)

-I did remember deodorant today. Ive consistently remembered for a week now. Go me!

-My toilet in the master bathroom is not completely flushing. Either that or Im subconsciously eating cork (little shout out to Moe for that joke re: Mr. Moe's poop in the late 90s!). Its not very pleasant although i think im the only one who poops in there.

-On the poop note, when i went to the bathroom yesterday, I looked down and saw a perfectly formed letter S. I was beyond impressed. (AND AM KICKING MYSELF FOR NOT TAKING A PICTURE!)So much that i saved it for norm to see. He was very affirming. And yes, he will be telling a therapist this and other stories in ten to fifteen years Im sure.

- Moving on to spiritual nudity, Ive been faced with the harsh reality that I have a big ugly ego. I knew this cognitively of course. But yesterday, events transpired that made me realize in the core of my being, I have a big ugly ego that is out of control and cripples me.

-And im having a crisis of prettiness (as it relates to big, ugly ego). The crisis is magnified by the fact that im paying the price for a hasty whack job on my bangs and it came to my attention on saturday that my chin sticks out way more than i ever even comprehended. I think i have a johnny carson chin. Now I have to deal with the fact that years of chin snobbery towards those who have weak or no chins have been nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to mask my own chin flaw. We hate what we are and dont want to be.

On a more positive note, Gretty has become Gretty. We finally bullied her into the blogosphere! Go see her and give a shout out. Also, Gill PROMISED me his Me-me is done from last week and will be up presently so please give him some love! Give them both some love!

le chateau du bovine part deux

So after stealing the hilariously amusing please do not flush the tampon sign out of the bathroom we were on our merry way. (picture of said sign to be forthcoming)Here are the highlights of the trip home.

-We stopped at sheetz for hydration and as we got back into the car, madame fabu says "i cant hold it in anymore, that man (pointing to a guy getting into a truck) just farted while i held the door open for him". The unfortunate gentleman graciously ignored his faux pas, which is more than we can say for senor fabu who laughed out loud and had to walk around the corner because he could not stop laughing. Nice.

-On the ride home, we went through the town of one of Madame Fabus most loathed employees (ok there are several) after she shouted several obscenities to him out the window and had me talked into going to start a fire in his yard (yeah it would have evolved to dog dung, im sorry to say) Gill (who knew this was the case) redirected by joking that we should all go get tattoos. Madame fabu got the brilliant idea of tattooing this person on her ass. I will not go into all the implications of this but suffice it to say this was brilliant.

-somewhere between the loathe employee's city and denny's we realized that a better idea would be to take pictures of all our loathe employees and turn them into iron ons and put them on our underwear. I have no idea why this has not been marketed already. Its brilliant! I can see a whole line of W underwear now! (if i post this will it count as a copyright?)

-all in all it was a fine night and an awesome way to bring in april.

i realize part deux is shorter and i probably could have condensed it to one post but i was so damn tired last night, i was afraid i would not be able to do justice to the underwear idea. Spring is springing friends! as pippa, ash and all my fellow dorkbloggers would say. SQUEEEE!!!!

Le chateau du bovine

(ok for those fluent i didnt bother to look up gender. april fools ok?)

Yesterday was one of the best days Ive had in a long long time. Spending time with gill and my babies, glorious sleep, work free day, (for the most part) and an evening out with the fabus. An evening with the fabus? delightful to be sure, but not so much out of the norm...oh but friends. This was no ordinary evening. This was a night out in crawford county. Never heard of it? let the story begin.

The plan was for a nice dinner at a new restaurant before attending a benefit for senor fabu's cousin in crawford county. At the aforementioned cowshed. Senor's cousin is suffering from a rare disease that requires her to need a heart and lung transplant. She is only 22 and a truly delightful person (who looks surprisingly like gret). But she is also a good starting point to describe senor's background a bit. Senor Fabu is a great guy. Funny, personable, good natured, and intelligent. He hails from Crawford County. Crawford county is? well...right next door to america so to speak. Senor's family is not too....rural. His parents are your basic middle class folks. His mom is slightly insane (best described by Madame Fabu last night as "all right all right we got the point, put away your axis two already") but mostly they are pleasant folks. His brother is in his twenties, cute funny pleasant kid. A little rough around the edges but likable. Then there is lola. Lola? Is Senor's sister and pretty much pure crawford county. She is 35 years old, married to a man who she hasnt lived with in at least two years, and has a 14 year old daughter who is a teen pregnancy statistic waiting to happen. Lola lives in a trailer (not that there is anything wrong with that) but occasionally moves back with her parents when she gets behind with heating or electricity. (she is fond of the drink) She is completely crazy and terrorizes the entire family with her manipulations. Oh and she has a tendency to date boys in their early twenties. Madame Fabu despises Lola. Ergo we despise her too. After that huge background, i will offer some highlights from the evening.

-Dinner was surprisingly mediocre. Our server was high which would not have been a problem had she been relatively attentive in her state.

-Ordered a delicious bottle of wine. Decided it would have been really funny to order a 100 dollar bottle and when they poured the taste, to spit it across the table and scream that it was swill. Next time....next time.

-Got briefed at dinner about Lola's new boyfriend, who we dubbed "peter pan". A recently unemployed bartender (fired for getting in a fight, which we are sure was a plus for lola) who is not too far past puberty. Fabus were deciding whether to warn him to cut and run now or enjoy the hilarity as it all plays out once again.

- Lovely one hour drive to crawford county. Found out the benefit was being held at "the cowshed" making me regret greatly that i had not brought my camera.

- Got to the benefit only to find that the name of "the cowshed" had been changed to the "stable pit and pub". Happily, it is still home of the two-fisted cocktail.

- Found seats by the beer table (yay!) after greeting the fabu-in-laws. Prepared for a fine night of people watching.

-Tried yuengling for the first time. WOW. (this is a local beer and it ROCKS)

- Entered the drawing for the tv and ipod.

- Gradually realized that the group of middle aged women with the guy in the leather jacket reading "pow-mia" actually turned out to be seven bikers and their women. (does seven indicate a gang? i feared as much)

- Realized a bit more quickly that my proximity to the gang was not really computing with our friends. As evidenced by Madame Fabu (who despite her belief that she was whispering) making funny but disparaging comments about how they should not win prizes they couldnt carry home on their bikes and my favorite "OH MY GOD SHE IS FOLDING UP THE RATTAN TIES. WHO KEEPS THE RATTAN? DID YOU SEE THAT?". Yeah buddy...that really warmed up the table.

- We won the IPOD. It was so exciting. Well technically Gill did because I dont actually know what an Ipod is or does and he actually wanted one.

- The band ROCKED. Porcelein bus driver. How can you not like a band that jumps and has horns?

-The room was ripe with candidates for "there's your boyfriend/girlfriend" (our favorite couple game!) (And gill one with the mullet lady and the midget lady).

- Senor Fabu was extremely focused on winning a generator. You know you are in god's country when the big auction prize is a generator. "Because you know in the suburbs we could lose power for an hour or even more. we need it" (madame fabu was a bit more cynical about the generator)

-Surprisingly they did not draw for the generator until late in the evening. We were hoping the winner had left allowing senor another chance.

-Madame Fabu (who has lived among the crawford country folks and considers herself the jane goodall of crawford county) explained this as "People in these parts dont leave early when a generator is at stake. You never know when the next armageddon is coming".

-Sure enough as soon as the generator was drawn, the room cleared.

ok more on the ride home and our new money making idea later. I slept all day but am still exhausted. Happy April friends!