My newest credential

As well you can imagine, im quite proud. My pride is only slightly lessened by the fact that the little kid with me also got a certificate and her pretzel was a piece of shit. After I got over the bitterness that she skated right into the title , I realized, my work will speak for itself.

It is sunday and my head hurts (a possible live blog?)

It is 1230. Ive been up for a few hours and i have a headache. Sadly it is not hangover related so i cant even say that at least it came with a good time. Im embarrassed to resort to this again so soon, but its random stars of crap again friends.

* Im going on record as saying that I. LOVE. MY. NEW. CABLE. and that the ability to access premuim channels on demand is one of those creations that ranks up there with sliced bread and penicillin.Ive managed to watch the entire first season of "Flight of the Conchords", a lot of "Curb your Enthusiasm" and am starting to watch "dexter". Here is the thing about dexter. When it came out, I was TOTALLY intrigued by the idea of it, but the first episode was somewhat....lackluster. On the plus side, dexter is hot and i love the crime stuff. On the other side, the side stories seem completely contrived. Like his sister is supposed to be this tough talking vice cop. Which means that she says "hell" and "fuck" in a forced way throughout normal conversation. Ok. I get it now. Im going to keep watching before I decide because im never keen on pilots.

* Ive been up for two and a half hours. So far my day consisted of catching up on blogs, eating a power bar, a banana and some garlic pita chips, discovering we are completely out of sweet n low, and watching a lot of television. Gills day has involved some serious cleaning. He randomly comes in to shame me. I laugh obligingly with self-deprecation. It works because we are both happy.

* The reason im not being brow beaten into helping is because Im supposed to be writing many many notes. Which I am going to do. Realy soon.

Three. Now I have three stars. Maybe i will come back and add more stars soon-

Fifth Grade: It aint for the weak or simple.

Well maybe the simple....Here are some things I love and hate about the fifth grade:



THINGS I HATE: Start here first so I can end on a positive note

* Its always the SAME FREAKING PEOPLE. Every. Single. Day. In other words, fifth grade triggers the worst symptoms of my ADD.

* Im not allowed to raise my hand and give the answers which sucks because Im so clearly able to dust these little mo-fos academically.

* Lunch sucks. The coating of chicken nuggets should never ever come off in your mouth like that. I felt....violated.

* The lunch ladies are always yelling at us.

* There is this stupid "healthy kids" policy that means they do not sell any more treats in the cafeteria. The snacks they sell are ok but not nearly as good as they were.

* The building is devoid of cute guys. From the principal to the janitor, our range is from unattractive to slightly above average (with personality being a boosting factor).

* Its too freaking early. And too many days in a row.

* Gym is twice a week. WTF.

* There is no appropriate adult response to comments like these "I want to grow up to be the Mexican guy who sells sunglasses out of his truck". This is complicated by the fact that not only can I not laugh but the child is dead serious.

THINGS I LOVE:or at least really like

* The day goes pretty fast

* All my teachers are really nice.

* I have a BFF who eats lunch with us every day. She is adorable. She reminds me of a much cuter fifth grade version of myself. She is slightly more socially adept than Perfect Storm which is great for us therapeutically.

* I. FUCKING. RULE. THE FIFTH GRADE KICKBALL GAME. (Oh yeah i said fucking. Thats how good i am)(I swear this is also therapeutic! we started because PS has a crush on the teacher who pitches and this would be the first time in her history )

* Fifth grade boys are surprisingly sweet and gentlemanly. Its refreshing to be with pre-teens who have not had the humanity beaten out of them yet.

* This could be attributed to the fact that the gym teacher is REALLY NICE! He is a little bit of a freak and randomly goes on religious rants when he is speaking to the adults in the room, but he is the only gym teacher Ive ever liked in my whole life.

* Im saving a lot of lunch money since I can't leave the school and I now pack. Kind of.

* In all serious, the perfect storm is doing amazingly well and if i may be bold, I think her success is somewhat due to me being there.

* Did I mention I rule the kickball field?

Ok if that is not enough to end on a high note, I will end with this quote from the littlest fabu as told to the Madame on their way to daycare yesterday.

"Mommy, George is my boyfriend. He can't talk and isn't shaped like a boy but I love him." (George being my dog)

Tuesday twelve

Ok read the post below first, so you can end on a high note.....done? Onward to the Tuesday Twelve (and my apologies to Gretty for being such a bad stalker and posting it on Wed!) But first my apologies for lack of comments lately. I have a lot of them saved up. Its the damn google reader! Oh and confidential to Mert? Your blog is still shutting down. I tried to subscribe to your comments but it only takes me back to a post from january. Pippa? Yours is stalling too! Just wanted to let you know!

Twelve things that make me smile.

1. Finally channelling my power to kick the ball (or "tattoo" it, as one of my team-mates says!) just in time for what i consider to be our grudge match.
2. Finishing what i consider to be the "ultimate packet" only to have the school postpone a meeting which means Im now PREPARED IN ADVANCE!
3. Having Norm validate that the lady who non-verbally scorns me every day when we are borderline tardy is indeed "yelly".
4. Finding a new sitter that can ease Gretty's overtime burden during her two weeks of transition to the world of grown ups.
5. PREMIUM CABLE (madame fabu, i adore you)
6. Rocking the fifth grade kickball field. Hell yeah.
7. Overtime pay.
8. "Birdie maman!(im so tickled with his french at age two!) Its Birdie (big bird) Birdie (Ernie) and Bert. And melmo. Its Melmo!"
9. The most fabulous kindergarten smile in the world.
10. Taking pride in being married to the only curly mustached man at the open house, only to be overshadowed by a man showing up late in a black cossack. It was like being beaten by a gold medalist.
11. Having to explain to an 11 year old that she was caught on video tape punching another kid. Four times. (This makes me giggle. I dont know why)
12. The politics of kickball turning out way better than I even imagined! Go (it kills me to say it) Ballistics!

First a story, then Tuesday 12.

My favorite guilty pleasure Xavier Onassis has been posting lately about the death of a fellow blogger. I never read the guy myself but I know a few of you not only read him but posted tributes of your own. Also, my friend T experienced a loss with extremely tragic circumstances (not that all death is not somewhat tragic, but this one is particularly heartbreaking) a few days ago. Anyway, XO wrote something about what does one say in a situation like this. It reminded me of one of the anecdotes a prof in grad school used to exemplify the process of joining during grief.

The mom of a third grader got a phone call from her daughter's friend's mother one afternoon. Turns out her daughter's friend had recently lost her father and the call was to let the mom know that her little girl had been an incredibly support to her bereaved friend. The widow expressed her gratitude and amazement of the compassion of the 8 year old. After the call, the first mom was curious about whatever words of wisdom her daughter had offered the little girl so she asked her.

The little girl thought a minute and then replied. "Well she was so sad. And I didnt know what to say to make her feel any better. So I just sat down and cried with her." And friends, sometimes thats all you can do....

Im not sorry

Id like to be but damm people. I am busy trying to replace Gretty (did I tell you she is moving on? Its a good thing for her and I will cope as long as we still have mandatory visits and she accepts i might need to call her more often). The Perfect Storm situation is still brewing and well... Norm's kindergarten is dominating my life much more than i thought it would. SO Id like to be sorry for being so far behind but damn it people what do you expect from me! Ok Its gonna be a RBOC. Im actually ripping off my newfound stalkee The Delightful Adjunct Whore and using stars. Well because they are pretty.

*It is 1:30 pm on Sunday. I have kickball at 6. I need to go grocery shopping. I have three behavior plans to write, one using a format I have NO FREAKING CLUE how to work within by tomorrow morning. I have not started. I did however catch up on blogs. Go me.

* Im hating Norm's kindergarten more and more. His actual teacher rocks but the principal is clearly migrating over towards dickville in my cognitive map of elementary administration. Also the lunch lady who I thought was nice, may actually be somewhat passive aggressive. Plus Norm told me that his afternoon teacher is kind of mean. Which means she is probably the kind of person who gets grumpy with kids and acts annoyed a lot. Now friends, I interrupt to ask for advice. I have raised the kids to respect adults. At the same time, Ive raised them to believe that NOBODY has the right to take a bad mood or grumpiness out on you through tone and/or words and actions. As an adult, I find this unacceptable and I want to raise the kids to find it unacceptable too. When we are grumpy at home we try to apologize. (we are better apologizing to Norm and Turnip than to each other but we've both been in time outs because of it and own it when it happens)I dont want him to accept this behavior or think its ok. What does one do with that? I would tell him to suck it up but dammit, why should I? Its not his! And its tainting his kindergarten experience!

*On that note, I want to thank you all for your support during the 9/11 aftermath here at chez panflutemaster. I feel awful because I think it sounded more intense than it was. Norm does typically have weird scary things going on his mind. I blame gill for overexposing him to stuff. Its not that unusual. And although its frustrating that they did this, it also kind of gives me my first little valid complaint about school which makes me happy. I do think Im going to say something next year about warning parents in advance about what was said. They probably wont listen and i can be bitterly gleeful or gleefully bitter. Anyway, you guys rock.

* Also making me happy is that we got to spend bonus time this weekend with our beautiful birthday girl (as of friday) Auntie Feather. She just makes me damn happy thats all.

* And we ate some kickass lasagne with the fabuwomen for Princess's birthday (her party is next saturday). Plus I got two very cool zach efron rings from her cupcakes. I make them talk to each other about how much they love me and how much they liked it when i licked frosting off them.

* Ok this was completely irrelevant but i need to work on plans before kickball. THere are some political complications im going to need to address im afraid. I feel a little sick....

A Day of Remembrance: Norm Style

So, I called Norm after school today and grilled him about his day as is our routine. He told me about lunch and the procuring of some hashbrowns as snack. He talked about drawing a branch for brown day. Then, he proceeded to tell me why today was such a "special day". He then described how "a long lot of years ago some bad guys crashed into some skyscrapers and some big tall buidings with their planes and lots and lots of people died. People on planes died and lots of other people died too." Oh? When did you hear about this buddy? "When we first got to school we had to be quiet. Because they died and its very sad." Was your teacher talking about it? "No just the principal. When we first got there because it happened when we got there." (Did I miss the fucking "prep your five year old for 9/11 reality check?" Nope. Double checked. No memo.) And what did you think about this buddy? "Well. It kind of freaked me out. Did you know people that died mommy?" WEll no buddy. It happened very far away. "Well if all those people died how come you didnt know nobody" (I relate a few stories about people we know and care about losing loved ones in 9/11)"Hmmmm...Ill bet their mommies are dead too. And there daddies are dead. Right mom?" Well not necessarily buddy. Lots of people were grown ups who didnt live with their mommies and daddies. (Mentally I am psyching myself up into professional calm reasonable crse for my next call which is to the principal asking for a debriefing on what was said and offering my sincerest thank you for opening this little metaphysical can of worms as a surprise for our family. Is this your idea of the welcome wagon?) Norm then begins to list all the death he knows about personally, from my grandmother to every last goldfish. We talk. We reflect. We mourn greenie and spottie together.

We end the conversation because he's finished a popsicle or had some other pressing matter. I immediately call the school. I try my best to explain the situation to the secretary. She is extremely kind. She knows Norm and tries to find me someone who can help me figure out what the hell was said. I end up talking to the lunch lady. (I kid you not). (She, too, was extremely nice) I politely explain again what had just transpired with Norm and ask if she can tell me what exactly was said. Apparently, she helps herd children into the gym when they arrive at school and this is where the speech occurred. She explained that it was "patriot day" and the principal was explaining why the kids were encouraged to wear red, white, and blue. "But wait...we didnt hear anything about that..." I say. Ah...thats because it was brown day in kindergarten she explains. (Ok so you dont include them in the red, white and blue dress because you dont want to interrupt brown day for the little ones. I see. And was that decision made in the same conversation where the inclusion of a description of the massive loss of human life through an act of evil would be a good idea for the five year olds? Red white and blue...hmmm no lets not confuse them by veering off brown day. Much better to let them struggle with their first realization that the world is a cold and bitter place completely devoid of justice. Well because that wont involve new memos about color week.) Lunch Lady then confidently reassures me that the talk was not graphic and their was nothing about planes crashing or anything. It was so awkward to mention to my new friend that in fact the words "planes crashing into buildings" actually came out of my five year olds mouth. She apologizes saying that it was hard to focus because of the herding of the children.

Friends, let me interject that this was no "Operation Kiss my Ass" endeavor. I felt so bad that I was putting this sweet lunch lady in an awkward position. I then try to explain that Im only calling because it was a topic not yet introduced in the home and I really didnt want to confuse my son any more than he already appeared to be. Which led me to the next question. Friends, let me ask you this. How does one politely ask if a school speech included any mention of hope for the future or spiritual comfort? It sounds so condescending to even ask such a thing. My reason for wanting to know this is because if the speech was meant to be as stark as it sounded to impress the importance of the day, I did not want to offer some sort of comfort that the principal had already shot down as a platitude. (What kind of grown up shoots down spiritual platitudes to a five year old? Oh wait. See above.) Also, was the concept of terrorism discussed? Obviously he couldnt have said "its ok, we caught the bad guys" because the bad guy released a tape last friday. My new friend didn't really have an answer. She gave me a few suggestions for exploring the topic with Norm. I was graciously grateful. Apologized for bothering. Thanking for understanding. Etc. Etc. Finally, she explains that the principal left for a meeting which is why I was talking to her. More apologies. More gratitude. I hang up and call Madame Fabu. Am I crazy or what the fuck just happened? We share different school stories from today involving the princess, norm, the perfect storm as well as other bizarro situations that had happened over the past eight hours. She reassures me. Im thinking ok we let this pass and see what happens.

Later that night, Norm starts a conversation while playing with his new matchbox set. "People are robbing banks somewhere in the world right now arent they mommy?" Well yes buddy, but people are helping people out there too. You need to remember that. Are you still feeling freaked out about today buddy, or are things ok for you? "Well...Im just feeling a little little bit freaked out still. (Not a lot of little bit, a little little bit)But thats ok. Because its a sad day and we got to be quiet." It is a sad day buddy. We talk about all the people that helped out in the aftermath and talked about heroes until he interjects accusingly. "Mommy, how come you never told me about this day before?" (allowing myself a mental burst of derisive laughter) Well buddy its a very hard thing that happened and its hard to understand and we wanted to wait til you were a little older. Soon after, in the kitchen "I think we should make a cake for the people that died mommy. You know, because its such a sad day" Hmmm...cakes are always a nice expression of the hopeless void of an illogical and unjust universe. Why not? "Oh never mind mommy. Lets make the cake another day. Sponge Bob is on" Almost immediately afterward, in an alarmed yet sort of calm tone "Mom, I just felt grammy's spirit. Can we talk to her?" Sure buddy. "Um Grammy? I miss you a very lot. And Um well...Im a little bit scared right now so maybe you could go away for a little bit. But um...you dont have to. You can stay because Im glad you are here". He looks at me for reassurance. I just say "we miss you grammy and we love you and you would be very proud of norm because he is a wonderful little boy". Back to sponge bob. He is a little clingier tonight than usual but so far its ok.

My bottom line? Im a little pissed that my five year old who is afraid of monsters and "bloody mary" and the goosebumps commercial on cartoon network is now pondering something vast and horrible. Im unsure because I dont know if this is exactly vast and horrible for him and I dont want to make it more so. Im guilty because I should have prepared him regardless. I knew the day was coming. Im wondering if I should prep the teachers for possible death talk tomorrow. Strangely, nothing like this occurred in any of the schools I worked in today.

Thanks for letting me process friends.

Bitch and Moan Monday

Im sorry. I realize I just started laying the groundwork for the many tales of fifth grade and the perfect storm. However, I am far too crabby to continue right now and need to bitch and moan before....well...bad things happen. (I cry? I share a beer with the children? I dont know...just bad) So here are some things pissing me off/annoying me/demoralizing me (not in particular order) tonight.

- Ive truly lost the will to fight my two year old. Between his relentless struggle for power unpleasant stubborn and willfull streak completely age appropriate quest for independence Every. Single. Minute. Of. The. Day. and his sweet little "peese" (how can we not reward manners? except when "peese" is "let me push brother off the step stool onto the porcelain sink" or "let me take this bungee cord and hook one end to the door knob and the other to the dog") So has Norm. We are defeatedly watching sesame street for the third straight hour. The saddest part? Id stand up for Norm but he just doesnt want to hear his brother scream anymore.

- Ok Baby BEAWWWWW Its a FUCKING R ok? See a goddam speech therapist! If you are wondering why grandmama bear treats you like a baby? MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO BY SOME OTHER NAME THEN BABY BEAR you idiotic fuckwipe (sorry this is a long standing grudge)

- Zoe: you whiny little brat. For the record? It IS your fault that elmo's blanket ripped. It was NOT AN ACCIDENT. An accident would have been if you had snagged it on a zipper WHILE YOU WERE HANDING IT BACK TO HIM WHEN HE ASKED YOU TO. But since you PULLED ON IT AFTER HE TOLD YOU TO GIVE IT BACK? THAT IS NOT A FUCKING ACCIDENT. Thats you being a total spoiled little entitled asshole. I sometimes fantasize about being in Elmo In Grouchland just so you stop snowing everyone with your "poor little me, i didnt mean to" act and have to step up and own the shit storm you created with your selfish inconsiderate behavior.

- Sometimes, it is very demoralizing to find out that my supervisees are going to get slammed in a school meeting two hours before it happens. It is even more demoralizing to crash the meeting and have all the teachers act like I should have been more prepared. To a meeting that I wasnt...even...invited...to.

- It is also demoralizing to have the guidance counselor of said school who complained to everyone all day that he had to redistribute a memo because you needed to reschedule a meeting later this week (and here is a tip for all those in administration. Dont bitch to people who have professed to like me in the past. They will tell me just for the opportunity for us both to make fun of you) suddenly decide he is your best friend when you crash the meeting because he knows he is busted for not inviting you.

It seems most important to preface this next part with what ive realized about my breasts recently. In the past, Ive struggled with "the girls" as they are particularly big. My own confidence or lack thereof about my sexuality would end up being tied into the girls and i was extremely self conscious about how they were perceived by the world. However, a few years ago, I realized that it was simply man's fascination about boobs themselves that elicit the compulsion to stare. I found a strange sense of comfort with the knowledge that really? They could be attached to anybody male or female and they would still have the same effect. The same fellow who never looked me in the eye since we met in the early nineties would most likely be just as ogly towards anybody, david letterman, bob newhart, santa claus etc. had any of these fellows been sporting kazongas my size. Thus, introducing the girls to my political world seemed to be a smart and logical solution to boob management in my professional life. Please bear this in mind as you read on

- The most demoralizing part would be knowing that I deliberately chose to let him look down my shirt when he was wavering on filling out a form that I needed because I knew it would urge him to "make the right decision". In case you are wondering? Engaging in such a maneuver will leave one with a combination of the feeling of wanting to puke because you let it happen and being incredibly sad and defeated that it actually worked.

-Strangely, this did not make it more uplifting when Dr. Fuckly (a principal who apparently possesses kryptonite to my powers of cleavage)was not about to let a cheap look interfere with an opportunity to interrupt a discussion I was having with the fifth grade teachers about how well the perfect storm is doing to let me know in an unmistakably blaming tone of voice that her occupational therapist was left "out of the loop" in terms of her part of treatment. Apparently, the fact that the OT is affiliated with the school and not our agency along with the fact that by my very role definition I don't have any control over how that therapy is provided to my or any client is irrelevant. It is also apparently irrelevant that the OT only knew that she was "out of the loop" and not simply working around a documentation deficit from one of her own peers (which she was but I digress) is because I TOLD the OT this morning. Still, this is my fault. If the above did not make sense? Short answer. Dr. Fuckly publicly shames me for something that has about as much to do with me as the weather. In fact, shaming me for the weather would have made more sense.

-This leads me to a string of "should haves" lasting several hours. I should have unsmilingly met his gaze and told him that Im assuming this means he is handling the issue and thanking him (in as much as a condescendingly puzzled tone as I could muster) for sharing that information with me. I should have (again with puzzled condescension) apologized for missing the connection between her behavioral progress and this other therapy. I should have said "excuse you for talking. Please wait your turn". As it stands? If he ever makes me cry? I think I will punch him. For real.

- Turnip? Sweetie? We want to let you watch "melmo" but we dont understand why everytime he comes on tv you cry and say his name sadly. Peeze what baby? PEEZE WHAT??? WHAT CAN WE DO????

-Norm we arent going to miss the bus tomorrow for the third day in a row are we? Are we buddy? I dont mind so much but you get so disappointed it breaks my heart.

ok friends, that was kind of cathartic! Im going to bed early and tomorrow will be better.

Fifth grade: Cast of characters

Ok friends, totally late this morning but need to set the stage before i go back in:

DeathRay- This would be our resident classmate with Down's Syndrome. I realize the stereotypes of chidren with Down's Syndrome as cheerful sunny and adorable are just that. But Im hear to tell you friends. Deathray? As Madame Fabu pointed out...She aint no Corky. She is a mean spirited bossy little thing that sucks me in every time because she is cute. And makes me want to punch her by the end of every interaction.

Olga- DeathRay's aide. I liked Olga for about a minute. Then I realized that she is merely an extension of death ray.

Brutus- Another classmate. He has this weird symbiotic relationship with Perfect Storm. She needs his help and he needs to help her. He is great. Our first lunch conversation consisted of him explaining why he is now on meds to control his angry behaviors. Unfortunately he reports that they dont seem to be working.

Spitdrool Steven- SDS kind of reminds me of forrest gump with a saliva problem. Its a little gross. I couldnt figure out my antipathic reaction to him for several days. Then I realized that he reminds me of an ex-boyfriend. Who was much smarter and less gump-like. And only produced saliva when necessary. And dumped me making me extremely bitter.

Ok many more to come but thats a little slice of what Im walking into this morning. Have a fantastic monday!

Id like to thank the little people....

I WON!!! Friends today I received the universal nod of approval regarding my half-assed alcoholic soaked pointless existence. I WON A PRIZE!!! For details (and my acceptance speech) Go see Rockdog. Im off to bask in my success...

George ate all my cheese.

The turnip's first sentence as reported by Aunt Gretty! I need to do a sum up post of my week of the perfect storm but ill just throw a few random dashes at ya til i get the chance.

- It is day four of school and we've already missed the bus and had our first "tardy". I explained to Norm that we only get twelve tardies before they call the authorities. He got very nervous so I told him it would just mean we had to pay a fine with the money we've been saving for the wii. Apparently he told his kindergarten teacher this. I knew my proactive pre-concern teacher stalking would pay off! Ive dispensed with the formalities and can now just shoot off an explanatory email as these things come up.

-I do love my job friends but if a fifteen year autistic old boy never ever brings up issues involving his "weird sexual attractions" (his words) in front of six elderly couples as we all take advantage of ponderosa's early bird special buffet and platter deal I will still feel fulfilled as a professional.

- Signs that my loved ones worry about my spiritual future: Madame Fabu offers me support today with the phrase "Wherever you end up its gonna be first class". Of course South Park immediately came to mind as I flashed to the thought of satan finding me too abusive and leaving me to live in a loft on the west side with a vegetarian named Chris.

- Norm informed me yesterday that he may have a new girlfriend named Kimmie. He apparently eats lunch with her. "She is kind of creepy looking but she is really nice". "Creepy pretty?" I ask hopefully. "No just plain creepy". Im hoping this means he is a total package guy who looks beyond the surface and not that he is automatically drawn to creepy looking girls. And im wondering what norm defines as creepy. Because my children are growing up around a somewhat "out of the box" social circle. Tattoos, wild clothes and piercings are not creepy. Goth is not creepy. So what does he find creepy? It makes a mom ponder....I do know that pre-school creepy was the weird little kid who would stare at norm without speaking when he said hello. But apparently kimmie talks to him...

Ok friends, thanks for indulging me! More on the perfect storm soon.

Thursday Thirteen: The Potterhead edition.

In honor of her inaugural week of blogging, I dedicate this TT to my darlin' Lucy. For an extremely thoughtful defense of her fascination go here .

You might be obsessed with Harry Potter if....

1. You stand in line for wristbands show up at the bookstore for the 10pm book release pre-vent bring YOUR OWN potter themed entertainment to the late night Potter geek fest book release event.

2. After you participate in the above while trying to tell yourself it was something you did for your 8 year old daughter, you spend the next 36 hours in hiding until you finish the book only to resurface looking extremely pale and tired but more satisfied than if you'd had a week-long chocolate/sex binge with Colin Firth.

3. You have the uncanny ability to work a Harry Potter reference into every conversation ranging from your opinions on the use of critical pedagogy as a teaching method to discussions of effective conditioners for curly hair.

4. You laugh knowingly when other like-minded potterheads offer unintelligible phrases like "dementor eating snapes" (ok thats a total guess phrase)

5. You attempt to teach your two year old nephew how to perform spells by waving sticks around and instead of being alarmed by the fact that you have now turned him into an out of control weapon on the move, you express great pride in his "stupefying skills".

6. Your daughter has a Harry Potter flag hanging on her bedroom door only because she busted you putting it on the front door and claimed it for herself.

7. After much soul searching you decide to forgive your loving and devoted sister-in-law/dearest friend/identified "person" despite the obvious disrespect she showed in the use of the phrase "Dumblefuck". You also commit yourself to educating her about this act of clear ignorance.

In all fairness to the obsession, I need to devote the last items to the Harry Potter Party. Which, regardless of how I mock, was a total "bash of the season" as Lucy parties are wont to be.

7. Your party guests call each other in confusion because they have no idea where the hell the party is since you wrote Potter addresses in the location spot of the invitation.

8. You offer comfort to your five year old nephew by telling him that "it's ok, you don't really have it in you to be a death eater and thats a good thing"

9. You have a devoted crew of twenty small children (only about five of whom have any idea as to what you might be talking about) joyfully running all over your backyard looking for snakes and incarnations of Sirius Black and other magical items.

10. Although you are specifically known by your loved ones as being an adult that is vigilantly aware of child safety, you have no qualms about setting up chemical reactions in the back yard as a part of a potion making activity.

11. During said potion activity, one of the children refers to the food coloring and politely through clenched teeth, you explain once again that it is not food coloring but invisible ink. (your frustration stemming from the fact that you've already had to tell them three times that the dried mandrake root was NOT baking soda)

12. You are calm and reassuring after your sister-in-law/dearest friend/identified "person" accidentally eats several dragon eggs meant to be used in the explosion experiment. You totally had back up eggs.

13. (I think this might be my favorite) You know enough Harry Potter to be able to pick personality suiting quotes to put on the loot bags for 23 children!

(honorable mentions)
-When you say the quiz says you are only 19% obsessed, your loved ones look at you dubiously, secretly suspecting that you cheated the quiz to bring your score down so it would not be so glaringly obvious that you have a problem.
-Your loved ones have discussed having an intervention but are afraid that even if you cannot summon snapes or house elves or whatever the hell us, you have no qualms about giving our small children sticks to wield at us.
-You've given your husband the pseudonym Reg because he will not let you directly identify him as Sirius Black in your relentless crusade to be Mrs. Sirius Black so you will be Mrs. Reg Black (named for Sirius's brother)(dont get excited friends, I only know this because of Mrs. Black)

Kickball update

Shame. On. Me. Two games in and no real kickball report. What you must think of me! Forgive me friends. Its such an all encompassing experience that one blog post doesnt really sum it up. I think dashes will be the only way to do this justice.

On the negative side:
- We've "lost" two games. Ten to nothing.
- They call the game after a ten to nothing lead.
-This means a game which can last no longer than an hour, can also be called once the ten point shut out occurs.
- The first game came close to the hour. Tonight the game was called in roughly twenty five minutes.
- I have not yet made it to base.
- I play right field. I completely missed two balls today and literally fell on the ground trying to catch another one. (and yes i missed)
- I think I actively dislike one of our team members. Too soon to say because i just met her, but if you dont show up for practices and only show up for the game today and nobody knows you maybe you shouldnt make snotty comments about the practice we need? (see i feel ok saying this because i know the team and have missed both practices and do not feel its appropriate or necessary to criticise "us")
- There have been points during both games that I was more than slightly suspicious that the opposing team starting feeling sorry for us and allowing us to get them out. (My team is good though so that could have been my own low self esteem!)
- The "good game" team slap at the end of the feels very impersonal. I am not sure if I felt xenophobic about the other teams before or after I noticed this half-assed expression of sportsmanship.
- Also, we got booed by a five year old from a team we werent even playing today. I did allow myself a bit of snarkiness in his direction but not enough that I will not have a complete grudge for the team when we play them.

The positives
- Tonight the other team let us play after they shut us out, giving us an additional half hour of practice.
- I made two plays today that seemed to be successful from my perspective. Neither worked out as a gain to our team but I still felt good about it
- We are pretty damn good at bunting as a team
- We are also funny and entertaining
- Being with my friends like this is so damn good for my soul.
- I caught several balls in practice (put your boobs into the ball, this is the key)
- I also am learning to turn the ball around.
- I think Im starting to learn to read what the kickers are going to do.
- If I can learn to play better, I think I could be a secret strength because you can tell that the other people completely underestimate me.
- The refs have been really nice. I didnt like the one from tonight at first, but he turned out to be really cool in general. He did directly make fun of me in a dicklike way when i came up to kick but his overall attitude towards the team was really positive.
- I attribute this to our amazing team captain T. She shmoozing and makes them love us.
- Our t-shirts are so much prettier than the other teams.
- We played the defending champions last week and really made them work for the game. Sort of. They won on three specific errors. This means once we get our shit together we will be unstoppable.

We can really rock at this. I know we can. Go Ballistics!

But cancer sucks way more than school.

Owie is in this video. Im not telling you where. Ill just say he is the cutest one. Moe, I love you guys. A lot.

School kind of sucks

Seriously.

Friends, Ive been remiss in keeping you posted about the little personal nightmares brewing in my day to day life. I really need to be better about this because such omissions leave you no context whatsoever when the overloaded chamber pot that is my job (family, parenting skill level, financial situation, personal relationship network etc) spills out and leaves us all wallowing in a huge flood of shit. My job you say? Why yes, and if you guessed this has to do with our sweet old friend Perfect Storm . (note this link is only the tip of the PS iceburg. For a true history just search the term in my blog search engine) then you would be right. The good news is that we are away from the Legion of Doom and are back in her home district. The bad news is that I am now spending every waking moment of the school day (not including my tardiness)(or leaving early) (or being able to skip out for "legitimate" excuses)with our little sweet heart.

Why you ask? Well friends, this would be because the front line worker lined up for this position embarrassed us both at the school meeting, causing the school to "request" that she be taken off the case. I wanted to object friends, I really did. I wanted to say that she just didnt do well at meetings. Truth be told gentle readers? I had my suspicions. She seemed to become a little ....obsessed..with me. After she found out I was supervising her, Id catch her staring at me to the point of awkwardness. Now generally, you know I am a gracious recipient of girl crushes friends. After all, who can blame the poor lost souls who get swept away by the ocean of beauty and charm that is crse? (and trust me I do tend to attract Poor. Lost. Souls.) But she not only crossed into creepy? But she also had the AUDACITY to generalize her obsessive stares to anyone connected with the case! HELLO??? If you are going to girlcrush on me? Please be consistent if you want me to deign you with offhanded gestures of attention ok? Otherwise it means NOTHING.

But I digress. Long story short? (too late you think? Ah but no, it actually was a much much longer story involving my cleavage/whimsical pants strategy and a cross-eyed unjustifiably cocky psychologist along with other plot points) There was nobody to replace shallow stalker girl and here i am. Lonnie Manko is being totally cool about letting me provide as much service as I can to PS because really? She has a good chance of succeeding this time. So thats the good news. And the bad news. Today was kind of mild with only one mishap involving her molesting the class guinea pig. I did not know guinea pigs made noises like that.

Norm started kindergarten today. He did well. I did ok. Up until he told me that the afternoon teacher was "kind of mad at him" which led to me calling her and thus identifying myself as "that mom". Well she denied anything happened but Im hoping i scared her straight. Ok too tired to talk/post pictures. This may have been the rambliest post ever but friends, fifth grade made me her bitch today.

EMERGENCY SHOUT OUT

My awesomely hilarious sister-in-law and one of my key people and best friends Lucy started blogging! Please go say hello!
And link to her. I guarantee you that you will be hooked.

Fridays with Norman

Warning: Self indulgent mommy post ahead.

You folks know I try to keep the normisms feature up to date right? Yet sometimes he does the cutest things and I just have to expand here. Especially after a particularly adorable day!

First incident: Driving to drop off paperwork. Just finished a lengthy conversation with Lucy about Operation Kiss My Ass. I did not think he could hear me or was even paying attention although I was careful not to use specifics in our discussion.
"Mommy Operation Kiss My Ass sounds a little inappropriate. Maybe you should try something else...you know like about houses"

Second incident: Turnip is screaming and sobbing because the three minute ride between the Kentucky Fried CHicken and Madame Fabu's house was too much to bear. I told him Id give him a biscuit and of course got distracted with something stupid like trying not to get in an accident.
"Mommy! Give him a freaking biscuit already"

Third incident: Target school supply section. Norm is across the aisle, still visible but too far away for my visible comfort. I asked him what he was doing over there. He answers loudly.
"Oh nothing. Just holding my buttcheeks together so my poop doesnt come out."
He then refuses to ride in the cart so i can get him to the bathroom more quickly and proceeds to waddle across the store frequently offering status reports. "Its coming out just a little bit but Im trying to make it go back in." "Im holding it mommy. Im holding it real good with my butt" "ohhh mommy here it comes. No wait. Its back again." By the time we made to the bathroom, im fairly certain everyone in the store knew norm's bowel issues.

Fourth incident: not nec. a normism per se. But we are in the dressing room and he is trying on pants. He wiggles just a bit and a little chunk of poop (obviously compressed) drops down on the floor. We just looked at each other in shock. He smiled and look scared. And then I did what any responsible mother would do. Started giggling with him. I looked for some tissue paper laying around but there was nothing so we kicked it under the seat and got the hell out of there. Not my finest moment (especially because i can specifically remember being grossed out from finding a piece of poop in a dressing room when I worked in retail. And of course I questioned what kind of white trash parent would let that happen.) but it brought back a happy memory of a story about a certain blog reading friend and a valley view toilet display! It never gets old baby. Never.

Ok the last one is soccer related. Now my brother is coaching norm. And as Ive probably mentioned before, my brother is a total freak so he's trying to teach the five year olds defense strategy. And he of course calls it that. They are all totally confused except they know when the guys with the other color shirt have the ball they all are supposed to run to the net. So Norm is doing his little "goalie" thing next to his cousin and friend and a little girl from the other team also by the net is ready to make an assist. He says to her. "Excuse me. Could you please move?" I think organized sports has been waiting for someone like Norm.

Thanks for indulging me. Ill pace myself before the next cute Turnip post!

everything the hard way

i have just noticed i have this amazing talent of doing Really Stupid Things (i know this is not so unusual but) and KNOWING they are Really Stupid Things but having to finish them anyway thus adding extra work for myself. Case in point. If i start using google reader and i dont want to post comments with my true identity, then i should be google reading from my zamphir account right? well might as well realize this at link three and THEN CONTINUE TO ADD ALL THE WAY DOWN TO TWENTY before i think maybe i screwed that up. I have serious google reader questions. Im going to post them durng the week for optimal tech support! just putting it all out there.