Tuesday, January 02, 2007

ok so the awkward thing might make a little more sense than i originally thought.

- Went to seventh day adventist calling hours tonight. googled the protocol beforehand. forgot to wear underwear. Stockings fell down in the parking lot.

- There was no line or anything. Mourning family just sat in the front pew. It was very odd.

-Mourning friend/co-worker kept thanking me for coming. Kept wanting to reply "I wouldnt miss this for anything". Seemed completely inappropriate. Wanted to say something from my googling about a long sleep but could not bring myself to do so. Just hugged her awkwardly.

- Had the horrible half-hug not sure what to do with ourselves with my mourning friend's husband. Started to lean in for the hug, he shook my hand, tried to pull me in, I resisted. I patted and leaned in. He shifted away and went to stand for the hug. I backed up. He shifted and sat straighter. We both looked at each other dumbly. Thankfully, Spike arrived shortly after I did and interrupted/ended the awkward stand-off.

-As Im walking to the back of the church, I notice a man from my past. A man who dated a schizophrenic girl befriended by my goofy friend elaine. (a girl who in the middle of a bar one night screamed at the top of her lungs during a break in the band "IM A LESBIAN" then threw herself down on Elaine's lap, but I digress). This man was a cross-dresser who may or may not have had bouts of public nudity and stalked Elaine. He also thought he was a zombie. I did not talk to him.

- I tried to share this with Spike. He politely changed the subject.

- The whole calling hours experience lasted less than fifteen minutes.

Now I understand.

5 comments:

luckybuzz said...

I'm not sure which part of this makes me love you most, but I think it's the part where you forgot to wear underwear to the seventh day adventist calling hours. Just because.

The awkward, endless hug-shifting is comedy gold, especially because it didn't happen to me.

And wow, on the blast from the past. And can I just say that I love that you have become my memory bank?

Canada said...

Holy shit, it must be the week for forgetting to wear underwear!! I was in line at the grocery store and suddenly realized that I had forgotten to put any on. Thakfully, was not wearing a skirt, and had no stocking issues! (or stalking issues, either, from zombies or other).

Everybody feels awkward at funerals/wakes/calling hours, esp if the religion is different, and you're not family or really, really close.

As for the hug shift, try living in a place that's part French and part English, and try to figure out if they're going to hug or do the kiss both cheeks thing. So many awkwards moments there!!!!

RockDog said...

Hmmmm...he thoguht he was a zombie...interesting...any why didn't you speak to him??? LOL!

Crawlspace said...

In my eternal ignorance, I have no idea what calling hours is, except for a customer service phone line, which I suspect this was not.

I also had not heard of the seventh day adventists before.

I think I like their death ideas, if you were good you get to sleep a lot and if you were bad you cease to exist. I'm OK with that.

Your zombie friend should meet my friend, Doug. Doug would love nothing more than for night of the living dead to happen for real, so he can spend the rest of his days killing slow moving zombies.

crse said...

LB-you fuel me to go on.

Canada, Its all good. It was mostly told in fun. I was actually raised in a family where death was not shielded from children so Im as comfortable as anyone is at funeral homes. The evening just seemed to confirm my awkward score is all!

Rockdog-because i just cant go back. LB could tell you more...

Jesse- Calling hours is a period of time usually at a funeral home where friends and family come and pay respects to grieving loved ones. The body is generally laid out too. (Hers was in the church) I suspect youve been to them but they have a different name maybe?
We can have a nice chat about seventh day adventists sometime. And you should tell doug, everybody THINKS they want to hang with a guy who thinks he is a zombie until they actually do. The weird thing? Looking back? I have this strange sense he somehow didnt talk to me much as if I was not as good as Lainie or Luckybuzz.

Erthy I dont remember, did you interact with him at all?