angels with dirty faces

late night musing

For the record, after posting my tt list, I had to threaten its removal no less than six times if Gill-smoke did not change his crappy attitude towards me and the children. SIX TIMES. You know what my problem is? no follow through. (although he did get significantly more pleasant as the evening wore on)

So I had the worst nap Ive had in YEARS yesterday and I STILL have the nap hangover. Its 4am. I took the nap almost 12 hours ago and i still feel like shit. Does anyone know what exactly causes nap hangovers?

Three little words that have wreaked havoc on my holiday eating patterns? "annual pie sale". This makes me wonder; is it possible to feel weight gain as its happening? I swear i feel that now.

Ive been feeling some grimness lately. Gretty and I have been talking about our mutual sense of this. Ill write more about this later.

Shit Norm is coming. Im busted...

Thursday Thirteen 21?

In honor of Gill's last week of the Month Of Gill: (and also because I spend way too much time telling him how Gretty makes my life better) (which she does...)

Thursday Thirteen Ways My Husband Makes My Life Better.

1. Makes my sandwiches a special way so the condiment ratio is perfect and between the meat and cheese to prevent bread sogginess.
2. Brings me coffee with just the right amount of sweetener and milk.
3. Orders something he knows I will eat when we are out to dinner and I take a culinary risk. In case we need to switch.
4. Sometimes “sets up” my little relaxation area when I come home from a hard day of work with frosty beverages, snacks etc.
5. Calls me from the grocery store when he is not sure. Tries to make the best possible decision when he cant get hold of me and generally has some type of logic for his decisions showing reflection of my interests.
6. Hangs up my clothes or throws them downstairs when I leave them all over the floor.
7. Organizes me on a regular basis.
8. Gates off my section of the hallway when I sleep in so children are not constantly running in and “telling on him”.
9. Before we had a garage, he would scrape off my car in the winter before he would go to work.
10. Is not crabby when I have to wake him up in the middle of the night because I saw a scary movie and I need him to “spot” me while I go to the bathroom.
11. Only gets mildly upset when I make plans and forget to tell him. Ex: Him: “why is your cousin pulling in the driveway?” Me blushing “Oh…um…do you mind if I go out tonight?” or Me: “Go check and see if we need soda for the party tomorrow”. Him “We are having a party tomorrow? And when were you going to tell me?”
12. He is defensive about the step-monster and other infringements on what he refers to as my “personal crseness”. He always makes me feel supported and validated even if I have to cry and say “you are not being supportive or validating” to remind him to do it.
13. He made me some adorable babies if I do say so myself!

Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Canada
Snarkypants
Ash In Wonderland





Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants





Special thanks to Novelist In Training for the love banner

WTF Wednesday

So here is a thought. Dont install a fire-alarm battery when youve never tested the fire alarm and then within the next fifteen leave your wife alone with your two small crabby children and no dinner for the evening. Especially when you never mention how to take the battery out. And the silent function doesnt work.

a christmas miracle

So let me tell you about the miracle of ham my friends. It comes with a bit of lore to it. My step-monster is OBSESSED with hams from a certain local meat market. Every freaking holiday she brings up this damn ham. Last year, my step-sister in law (who we will call Lucy)hosted christmas eve. She got a total of TWELVE (and im not exaggerating) phone calls from step-monster, step-sister and step-grandma all offering to bring this particular ham. To the point where my step brother literally said that he would throw the f-ing ham in the driveway if they showed up with it. Lucy was annoyed with this as well as she took it as a lack of confidence of being able to plan dinner.

This year, Buddy (Buddy is my younger brother's wife. Ive finally realized I could use Norm's name for her as her moniker) tells me at the beginning of december that step-monster offered to bring the ham to christmas dinner. My younger brother agreed to this without buddy's knowledge so Buddy had to convince them not to cook it (because my step-monster canNOT cook).

So as fate would have it, I ended up hosting the christmas eve gathering. As soon as I found out, I started dropping ham hints, just to see what would happen. When my dad asked what they could bring, I left an opening a MILE WIDE for the ham offer. And what do you think happened gentle readers? NOTHING. Apparently, I was not ham worthy.
So about three days before christmas I got an idea.
An AWFUL IDEA.
I got A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA.
"I know just what to do" I laughed in my throat.
"Ill cook a ham myself just to show that old goat!" (it was so deliciously grinchy i just couldnt resist)

And when my dad called on friday, he offered to bring sauce. I said "sure" and told him with feigned innocence that I thought Id make a ham. I could hear the goat in the background snarking something about the sauce not being good enough. My dad ignored her and I continued to wax about how i would be making my first ham and my dad (who can be quite salty at times) said, "Crs" (He calls me crs instead of crse a lot) "Its not that challenging, you stick it in a pan and cook it" and we laughed. Him with the idea I was challenged by the ham, me with the glee that the step-monster had the ham seed planted.

So Saturday, I clued Gill-smoke in on the plan and we bought what came to be known as our passive aggressive ham. Gill stuck it in the oven around ten am sunday morning. Im not sure exactly how it happened but there appeared to be some changing of oven times and temperatures and the end result was a dried out ham. Gill was a bit disappointed but I gentle readers? I was fricking GLEEFUL. What is better than a passive aggressive ham? A passive aggressive poorly cooked ham! I couldnt WAIT for them to arrive so i could start "worrying" about the ham aloud in front of her. When they finally showed up, I started immediately with the "its too dry and too salty, i dont know what i did wrong" Honestly? That was all i needed for christmas. Because we all knew she had provided the ham for every other family function. And she never offered and there it was. In the harsh light of day. Her hamstinginess naked in front of God and baby Jesus and everyone. What made the whole thing even more delightful was that she did not eat ONE THING that she did not bring herself. (she brought cavatelli made wiht my dad's home-made sauce and a strange jello thing that Gretty loved) (a little shout out to Gretty who opened the door for me being able to openly bust stepmonster lying about ingredients). The day just kept getting better and better. My favorite part was a drawn out discussion with my father about the ham issues and she tried to pipe in and i was able to say "But step-monster! You havent even tried it!" Oh Baby Jesus smiled upon the panflutemaster house on Christmas eve. Have no doubts friends. Have no doubts.

I did manage to carry it into Christmas Day by dragging Buddy into the conversation by bragging on her ham and again dragging my ham into it, thus pointing out again to everyone that NO SHE DID NOT BRING A HAM to my house. Sometimes i think I have a problem. But then I drink some more and it all passes....

Ah folks. Its all over but the crying. Knew we were back in the woods today when I attempted to correct Norm this morning and he said saucily "I dont care. Santa isnt watching anymore." As far as holidays go it was a nice one. We have a Brand New TV which doesnt fit in the entertainment center. We are beside ourselves with this 27 inch wonder. After six months of the 20 inch, its like being at the movies. In fact, norm just said now that it was like "aunt buddy's tv" (Aunt buddy has a big screen. Our lives are so sad) But everyone is content and gill is out buying organizational products to help contain the madness. He is back now and demanding that I throw myself back in the sea of toys. Merry Christmas, Happy Saturnalia and Joyeux Pule (Its what you get when you merge pie and yule)

its beginning to look a lot like panicked random slashes!

Everywhere I go...dododedoo...
Dateline: Dec. 23. 930am. Status: Denial with floating waves of panic.

- I have: 3 weeks worth of case notes to write and organize. By tuesday. Afternoon at least. I keep making proclamations of intent to Norm. He ignores me. Four years old and he already knows his mommy is full of shit.

- The Christmas Tree showed up missing limbs. We had to buy an emergency tree. It is white with colored lights. Apparently there was some worry that I would not approve of the tree. Um 17 bucks for a four foot tree? Im not here to judge people. Merry Freaking Christmas.

- Right now Im trapped in some sort of television hell watching the "Death of Iceman" whose name is apparently Ootzie. Half watching it once would not be bad. But Gill keeps wandering away and coming back causing me to rewind it. I swear weve been watching fucking ootzie for two hours now and we are about half hour in.

-Gill is off his game this morning. Had to prod him to make me coffee and then actually POUR IT MYSELF. (WTF!!!!) Now he is laying on the couch (Lying? I always mix that up) translating written signs from the documentary "see that billboard? that means Italy. Itzele" Oh god here comes the naked archeologist i know it. I HATE HIM.

- The turnip is not having a good weekend. He's only produced two hard little pebbles of poop since thursday. This is affecting his mood. He has also learned to open door handles. But this new skill is not consistent which means that we hear his little calls (ahhhbooo...ahDAH ahDAH!) from remote parts of the house indicating that he's gone into a room, shut the door and is unable to open it again.

-Gill thinks Ootzie is Jesus. Now he is channeling Talledega Nights. I love that movie.

- Norm is hysterically sobbing. TURNIP JUST RUINED SESAME STREET! Doesnt turnip realize there is no christmas in jail? Oh my god, Norm is now sucked into this show.


- The turnip just got down off my lap after a belly tickling session of "STOP RUINING CHRISTMAS" interspersed with "SANTA HATES BABIES". I cherish this special time where I can speak freely to my baby and as long as I use a fun tone he just giggles.

- Speaking of which, we have no pictures of my kids with santa yet.

- And we have a houseful of people coming tomorrow.

-And more presents to buy.

-But Im going out tonight anyway. Because its the ugly season. Im obligated.

- The show is paused YET AGAIN.

im going people. ill be back before christmas. unless i end up in jail.
-

Aha

I have the delightful Canada to thank for this one!

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I was afraid it was bound to happen.

The Letter F

Because I heart Luckybuzz I was of course compelled to ask her for a letter. She gave me F. Apparently this is a new blog thing that folks are doing. Or maybe its old. Im very isolated in my blogosphere at times...

10 things I love that begin with the Letter F. (cant count the gimmes from LB, but Ill add at the end)

1. Ok Im going with the obvious one first. Not writing it out for the sake of decorum but lets face it. Im a 36 year old woman in my "peak". I am fairly certain I am the biological equivalent of a 17 year old boy. So yes. That is one thing i love that begins with F.(But I will ONCE AGAIN issue the disclaimer that Gill and I are not swingers) (it was an ISOLATED CONVERSATION people! And "swinging" brings to mind naked old and Furry men)

2. Friends. I am very lucky with my friends. My friends are beyond Fantastic.

3. Funny. There are times I think i should be one of those folks who recognize when things go too far. But time after time, I chuck all sense of decency for the sake of the funny.

4. Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends BEST CARTOON EVER! (beginning with F anyway)

5. Fraud Ok I dont love fraud, but Im sort of admiring of fraud. It takes brains to execute a well-done fraud.

6. Fruit. Not a big vegetable fan but I love me some fruit. I dont think there is a fruit I dislike.

7. Friday It is my second favorite day of the week.

8. Fingernails I love those crazy little fingertip protectors.

9. Family. You know. My boys. And my furriest four legged friend member. Oh and my dad and brothers and sils and aunts and cousins and stuff.

10. Funk. Because dont we all need a little funk to get us through the day when it all comes down to it? OWWWWW!

The LB gimmes

11. Frozen vodka drinks. As the ugly season continues, more and more other people probably do NOT love that I love them but I think if I had to commit to one alcoholic beverage it would be a frozen vodka based drinks.

and last but CERTAINLY not least.

12. Floors of the kitchen persuasion where souls are bared and friendships are sealed and conversation is so real and so intense that people are afraid to move to a more comfortale spot for fear of losing the vibe of the night. Where promises are made before trips to the bathroom to ensure the floor time will continue. Where the sun rises and your butt is numb and you still dont want to get up because you are so enveloped in the magic of the vibe. Yessir. Im one lucky gal.

Thursday Thirteen (maybe the 20th?)

In the spirit of The December of Gill-Smoke, here are some (dont try to pull anything you know they were pre-approved Gill) holiday mis-steps committed by Gill for your mocking and giggling pleasure...Please note, I really dont have my crap together to add to my links but below are blogs that do this that I enjoy and please link yourself in comments and I encourage my readers to go there...


this banner courtesy of nello designs

Thursday Thirteen Bad gifts or holiday Faux Pas from Gill Smoke.

1. COMPLETELY forgetting our first valentine’s day.
2. A crossword puzzle and PENCILS for my first birthday with him. (he got me other stuff too. At the time, I had a huge aversion to pencils that he knew about.)
3. Telling my 3 year old niece that “there is no Christmas in jail” when she misbehaved, thus causing her to burst into inconsolable sobs. (although I thought that one was pretty funny)
4. Not acknowledging in ANY WAY our second valentine’s day together.
5. Buying a card the day after said Valentine’s day saying “My heart is with you, at easter and always” which is a catch phrase between us to this day (and he is light years better about the mushy cards now)
6. A baking pan. Not non-stick.
7. Oversized pants that he thought would be “comfy”.
8. Kissing his friend Todd on New Year’s Eve after the ball dropped for the first kiss of the year.
9. Stuffing my stocking full of nothing but cough drops.
10. A sippy cup with fish on it because I like fish. (before we had kids)
11. Picking a fight with the bonsai’s unendingly sweet and currently disabled (knee surgery Jan. 10) mother over the thanksgiving ads after a dinner THEY COOKED for us.
12. A picture of a dolphin that was cracked (so he got it marked down). You know because I like fish.
13. Wearing Orange on st. patrick’s day because he is scotch irish. And a conflict junkie.

Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Canada
Snarkypants
Ash In Wonderland





Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

in celebration of the cantata...

These are the lights in front of Madame Fabu's house. These are NOT Madame Fabu's lights. They are merely.... in front of her house. Why you ask? (as does she...) Well because they were placed there by an overly zealous holiday cheer meister with no sense of the aesthetic or neighborly boundaries and bush etiquette. But, you look at these lights and you say...but these are not that bad. And yes gentle readers, this was my first reaction as well. Because I missed


the giant plastic santa who is apparently strangling a reindeer next to the two (added in for this display only) small american flags. Dare I ask, is that a very small gravestone behind the flag?

Still, at first glance, I thought maybe Madame Fabu was having one of her OCD spells about this issue. When she first told us about the display she would twitch, and sadly I know her well enough to know that she wasnt joking when she said a) she redecorates those bushes in her mind a hundred times a night and b) Senor Fabu had to hide the wire cutters from her to keep her out of jail for christmas. So I thought it would be bad. Plus I admit that it has to be getting to her that Princess Fabu must stop and recite the pledge of allegiance in its entirety at the top of her lungs EVERY TIME SHE WALKS PAST. (to the point that when Madame is unloading the car in the evenings, she sends princess on ahead to get a jump start on the pledge.)

But Friday night (see previous post for crse status friday night) as we dropped her off, through a drunken blur the problem became crystal clear. THE LIGHTS ARE HIDEOUS. I dont know why I couldnt tell before but for some reason it was glaringly obvious in my vodka (yager, stoli and cheap draft beer) haze that there are at least three different displays mashed together in some hideous christmas train wreck. Which is why I did not feel bad that Madame Fabu drunkenly maulled the bushes and tore down lights looking for the control bulb on her way in the house....

because im not ready to talk about it....

cheating with a Me-Me

I suck. I totally suck. And Im cheating with a Me-Me. Because I suck.

Thanks Pippa for enabling me!

Your Name: Pippity-doo-dah
1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate: Both
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Sit them under the tree. Please. Um santa is lazy?
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Multi-Colored.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? I used to leave it up all year long.
5. When do you put your decorations up? Well Gill is kind of a bitch about anything before his birthday.
6. What's your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Excluding dessert? thats pretty much all i eat at the holidays! Although I had some extremely tasty stuffed shrimp at a holiday party sunday....
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child: My brother passing gas at Christmas Eve service with about a million people in a crowded small church. To this day, i cant remember laughing that hard ever.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? my other brother told me in second grade. I was crushed.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? I dont get a lot of gifts anymore.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? This will be the first year in three years we have a tree. (if we get it up.) When we had it before, we just left it decorated and haulled it out of a closet.
11. Snow: Love it or Dread it? Secretly love it.
12. Can you ice skate? no.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? hmmm...im thinking its this year when my dad gives me a best buy gift certificate and we can FINALLY replace our tv!
14. What's the most important thing about the holidays for you? These days its getting through without huge conflicts. My brother has a saying "its not chrismas until crse cries. Cry crse Cry!"
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? I love them all. Except when they involve kolachi or mincemeat.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Gretty's Christmas crackers (she is coaching me here, but they are lots of fun)
17. What tops your tree? I dont remember!
18. Which do you prefer: Giving or Receiving? Ha. Receiving. I know thats awful. But I love presents!
19. What is your favorite Christmas song? This will surprise people but im a sucker for the religious ones. I love everything from Little drummer boy (sorry pippa!) to hark the herald angels sing. Madame Fabu has a christmas cantata tomorrow night and im unreasonably excited!
20. Candy Canes I love them all year long.

Thursday Thirteen

And the month of Gill-smoke continues...


Thursday Thirteen Interesting Things About Marrying My Husband.

1. He proposed with the phrase “what are you doing tomorrow? Want to go get married?” .
2. We were engaged for about 18 hours tops.
3. We were married in a Mexican barrio in downtown Tucson called the “Garden of Gesthemane”. It had life size statues of different scenes of from the gospels. We have a really disturbing picture of the best man leaning over the tomb statue looking like he was doing something not good to Jesus.

4. We only met the best man that day. Never saw him before or after that day. Two better men in town worked that day.
5. We bought our marriage license at the place at the jail where you post bail. It was a Monday so there was a line but we were the only ones getting married and not posting bail.
6. Our ceremony was “universal Unitarian” (which in a crazy twist of fate we actually follow now) and directed by a man we found in the phone book. “Reverend Dan” was missing an eye and a leg and also had a skin condition and blatantly false teeth. Gill likes to refer to him as “reverend dan or what was left of him”.
7. We bought his ring at a pawn shop for ten bucks.
8. We ate pizza for lunch that day and went to shop for a bouquet afterwards.
9. We got the bouquet for free because the ladies at the florist shop were tickled by our story.
10. We both cried during the vows. They talked about “rainbows of happiness”.
11. We went to see “interview with a vampire” after the ceremony. It was the matinee. We got popcorn.
12. We had taco bell for dinner before going home for the night.
13. The entire day cost us less than one hundred dollars. I love my wedding story!

Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Canada
Snarkypants
Ash In Wonderland





Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants





Special thanks to Novelist In Training for letting me break out of my TT banner slump!

Im not sure how entertaining this will actually be..

Stolen from the completely enticing Luckybuzz

The deal?

1) Harken back to your archives.
2) Collect the first sentence you wrote every month for the whole year.
3) Entertain us

Since I started in July....
July 2006 I moved!
August 2006 Thanks Canada!
September 2006 Ok Im completely freaking out my spouse with this but I have to tell the world I LOVE MY NEW SONICARE TOOTHBRUSH.
October 2006 Well after intensive family consultation, we have decided that, in the interest of fairness, since we revealed Norm's identity, it is time to share Turnip's true identity with the blogosphere as well.
November 2006 Hey I think Im going to be early again!
December 2006 I have a work friend who for the sake of the blog we will call Spike.

Well...who knew I was so exclamatory?

I gots me a LOCK BOX!!!

Well folks, we have come full circle. After almost a year of her project "reorganization of crse 2006" Madame Fabu is sitting back tonight breathing a sigh of relief. Its true. Ive finally succumbed to her 11 month old idea that I need the box. I fought the box my friends. A box? how cumbersome? Much less cumbersome to chase down files and not only drive myself but madame fabu and countless others insane with my disarray.

Oh friends, I fought that box. I spent close to one hundred dollars and hours of mental energy struggling with flaps and tears in plastic and cardboard (which does not fare well when soaked in coffee fyi) and lest we forget the horrible plastic collapse in june. Finally, battered, beaten and exhausted with a caseload of soggy coffee covered paperwork in my back seat, I crawled back to madame fabu on my hands and knees. And accepted the box. We bought it today. So far there is nothing in it but a free matching cd case (15 dollar value no less!) but damn its one cool looking box. So now? if the dog is not completely responsible for changing everything in my life to good, then i got my lock box for back up!

kind of bitchy and moany but apt for a monday

Ok Im slashing folks. Its all in the interest of time

-threw my back out friday at the damn vets. The jackass had me pick up my scared (and apparently 43 lb) dog to put him on the scale with no advice KNOWING this was my first dog. I liked the guy I picked George up from much better. BTW he is a year old and a setter, shepard, lab mix with we believe spaniel thrown in. (George not the vet)

- Aggravated said back injury at the christmas "ball" by dancing after four vodka and diet cokes. Madame Fabu was a little fuzzy navelled up to be too worried about the fact that I was her designated driver although she did encourage me to eat a lot of bread. Ill mini-slash highlights from the evening.

-Madame Fabu was a stand out date all the way around. Also I got the much needed picture for my "madame fabu's ocd christmas conundrum" post.

-buffet SUCKED ASS. How can you ruin rice-a-roni? Not sure, but they did it on this buffet. The pasta was dry, the meat was gross. The potatoes were good, although the rolls were chintzy. All in all, a big thumbs down.

- I did NOT win a tv although that was my goal for going there.

- I did make a New Best Friend. He is married to the source of the "two drinks away from anything" comment (who will at this point be known as "two drink tanya") Not only did he fund half of the vodka and diet coke excess, but gave me some excellent advice. In fact words to live by, "always get paid up front". He and two drink have that understanding, her only rule for messing around is, "Always get paid up front". I was actually thinking of getting a tattoo on my chest saying "If youve gotten this far, you should know Im married." Instead, based on these words of wisdom, Im going to get "If you've gotten this far, please pay up front".

- I did accept five bucks from two drink for one of my stockings which she tossed on the stage. Im not sure why that all happened, but i just remember thinking, "no matter what she says, its a really bad idea to give her my bra".

- I did have a lovely time with Spike and his wife Crste, who came up with the BRILLIANT idea of getting one of the formula stirrer gadgets from Babies r us for a personal drink mixer. Kudos Crste Kudos. Spike and I did not do Kevin Bacon, but Crste did participate in "there's your boyfriend" which as we all know is equally as entertaining.

- Sobered up in plenty of time to drive but spent the day yesterday in pain and sleeping. Im just so damn tired.

-My back still hurts. I have to be at work at 815 and Im just a little crabby. Also there is way too much sun these days.

Ok enough for now. Norm and I are going to watch the year without a santa claus.

well Im not quite sure what to make of this....as usual.

Stolen from the delightfully libertine Luckybuzz Im a bit alarmed. In fact, I went back three times to change questionable answers and still came up as this....Umm...happy birthday gill-smoke!

More Me-Me back ups

This one from the ever fabulous and persevering Jesse. Pack a lunch folks. Its gonna be a long one.


1. Where will you be when you turn 2007?
Im guessing I will be dust. If that.


2. How did you get the idea for your Livejournal name?
I dont have livejournal!

3. What song are you listening to right now?
Im listening to an air raid siren.

4. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
No but that could be due to sociopathic tendencies.

5. Do you own an IPOD?
nope

6. What's your favorite memory from last weekend?
The sleeping.

7. What was the first thing you thought this morning?
Shit if gretty is standing in my bedroom doorway i clearly slept in. The next thought being, ohh cool, she probably is making coffee.

8. What would be your ideal job?
Well i kind of have it. But I actually think I would make a spectacular professional drinking buddy.

9. What will you do tonight?
Go to sleep.

11. What are the last two digits of your phone number?
95

12. What was the last thing you ate?
a cookie.

13. What was last thing you drank?
milk.

14. What was the last movie you watched?
Van Wilder party liaison. Not my choice.

15. What/Who do you dislike at the moment?
The crazy bitch who sucks my soul out between 3-5 hours a week.

16. What food do you crave right now?
my mouth is full of cookie. I crave nothing.

17. What did you dream last night?
Are you joking? Between corralling the nocturnip and wrestling with Perpendicular Norm there was no "Dream time"

18. What was the last TV show you watched?
Amazing Earth.

19. What is your favorite piece of jewelery?
My rings.

20. Name someone on top of your Friends who is just like poo.
See #15. She has been on top of my friends and she is very much like poo.

21. You're playing blackjack. You're dealt a jack and a seven. Hit or stay?
Im not a hitter.

22. Who last text messaged you?
Gretty.

23. Are you on any medication?
Im assuming this is rhetorical.

24. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
The top.

25. What color shirt are you wearing?
The black. It represents my mother.

26. What is your favorite frozen treat?
All frozen treats are treated equally in my home. No treat receives favortism here.

27. How many piercings do you have?
2.

28. What's your favorite store?
Target. You know you might be overshopping target when the cashier at the snack bar sees your kids and comments that they are over their colds now.

29. Are you thirsty right now?
No i have milk.

30. Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss?
Luckybuzz.

31. What did you do last night?
I visited with Erthy. I went to bed very early. I did not sleep.

32. Do you care what people think about you?
If I like them.

33. Have you ever done something to instigate trouble?
Yes but for good reasons. Well good for me.

35. What are your font colors on AIM.
I dont AIM.

36. Where do you live?
In my house.

37. Are you aggressive?
Im working on it.

38. Mobile Phone Network?
Looking for a new plan.

39. What are you listening to now?
C-span and my dog breathing.

40. What is the thing that you would most like to change about yourself?
My money situation. (NOT in a monkey's paw way)

42. What do you smell like right now?
Cookies.

43. What's your favorite color?
Again, as with frozen treats, im learning not to play favorites.

44. Do you like mustard?
In context yes.

45. What do you tell yourself when times get hard?
Self, these are hard times.

46. Would you ever sky-dive?
Not on purpose.

47. Do you sleep on your side, tummy or back?
Side

48. Have you ever bid for something on eBay?
YEs.

49. What do you think of Cary Grant?
I have a whole story about this.

50. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
For the right price, I can very much enjoy it.

51. Would you consider yourself to be fashionable?
no

52. Do you own a digital camera?
yes

53. What celebrities have you been compared to?
George W. Bush. William Safire. Ghandi. Dennis Hopper.

54. Who is your favorite Star Wars character?
I heart jawas.

55. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but dont?
No it secretly relieves me.

56. What are you allergic to?
Stuff.

57. Are you a jealous person?
I prefer to think of myself as unreasonably possessive.

58. Do you ever feel guilty after eating meat?
Only if I bitched at the person who made it for cooking it badly.

59. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name be?
different i think.

60. What are you listening to now?
Fricking bill frist.

Backed up Blogs

This one stolen from the delightfully soon to be nearby Skycat.

1. Ever swim with a dolphin or feed a carnivore?
Fed carnivores.

2. When was the last time you pretended to be someone
else? The last time i was arrested.


3. What fruit should never be in a fruit salad?
Unpeeled apples.

4. Who is the most famous Person you have ever met?
Skycat.


5. What dream of yours has actually come true?
I dreamt of my grandfather's death three days before it happened.

6. If you could be a Natural Wonder, Would you be a
Volcano, or a Mountain.
I would be a hanging garden...oh wait no...a pyramid....oh crap, i guess just a crse.

7.Other then the really obvious, have you ever named
one of your body parts - or someone else's?
No.

8. If you could touch objects,with your small toe, on
your right foot, on every other Sunday, in months that
ended with Y, and they would change into one kind of
thing. What would that thing be.....
ohhh I dont know. This whole question has sort of a monkey's paw feel to it. I think my feet just better stay like they are....

9.Who is the most compassionate person you know?
Norm

10. Favorite Place to Skinny Dip.
Oh this is the crse anti-question.

11. Strangest place you've been naked.
Alaska.


12. Strangest Person you ever had sex with?
Myself! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ooohhhh my stomach hurts! I kill me!


13. What continent? What country? What city? What
climate?
Africa, Egypt, Boston, Tropical.

14. The Topic is BIRD. The Question is, What kind of
BIRD would you be, if you could be a BIRD.
I would be a pelican.

15. What's the best 5 letter word you can think of
right now, without a dictionary or more than a minute
of contemplation?
child.

16. If you could be in a Walt Disney movie. Which one
would you be in? Oh definitely Pirates of the Carribean.

17. If you were lounging on a sunny rooftop with
friends, what would you be drinking? Eating?
I do associate a delightfully fruity sangria with sunny rooftops. As far as eating? Maybe some sun chips? Or chili cheese fritos?

18. Who would you be out of the Group.......The Mama's
and The Papa's
Michelle Phillips. You know. Because she is still alive and all.

19. Favorite lyric. (Again, don't think too long on
this. I'll ask again next week and you can change your
answer.)
My mom gave me a dollar, she told me to buy a collar but i didnt buy no collar. I. Just. Bought. Bubble gum. Ba-zooka zooka bubble gum. This counts right?

20. What is your favorite Island?
The island of sanity amidst the sea of chaos.

Thursday Thirteen number 18ish?

Friday is my husband Gill-smoke's birthday. In honor of the auspicious occasion, I am dedicating all my TTs this month to him. So consider December to be "Everything you Ever Wanted To Know About Gill-Smoke but Were Afraid To Ask" Month. This week, we will begin with a list of his more interesting qualities.

Thursday Thirteen Interesting Things About My Husband. 1. He had really long hair when we met. When it was wet, he would put it in a pony tail and wrap it around his finger into one tight curl. It was the coolest curl. 2. He has not visited a barber or any sort of hair stylist since we met. In the fall, he grows his hair, in the spring he shaves it. Not just the hair on his head, he does this with his facial hair too. Except for some years he grows a big ridiculous curly mustache. He does this because he figures if he is capable of growing a ridiculous mustache, he has a societal obligation to do so. 3. He is somewhat socially clueless, but is so charming that all he usually has to do is show up and smile and people can forgive this and just about anything else he does! 4. He didn’t learn to drive until he was 26 years old and my father bought him driving lessons for Christmas. He says it is because he never needed to drive while he lived in Arizona, but I found out he knocked down his parents’ car port when he was eight years old by trying to “drive”. 5. He is an ardent feminist. Sometimes, even more so than I am. 6. He is really good at telling stories and describing plots of books and movies. So much so, that sometimes when I hear him describe a plot, then see it myself, the real plot pales in comparison. 7. He was not sure if he wanted children and did not really attach to Norm until about two weeks after he was born. After that, he decided he wanted seven more children. (My reply to this is “I hope you and your next wife are very happy with your six children”.) 8. I love him to death, but he is not great in crisis. When Norm was born, he left the hospital that night and didn’t return until four o clock the next day. When the Turnip was born and was experiencing difficulties, he made it a point to stay home and cook a bunch of food (which was really nice actually). 9. He quit smoking on an 18 hour flight to China while I was pregnant with the turnip. It will be two years in April. But when he did smoke, he would often roll his own cigarettes to save money. It was kind neat to watch. 10. He started working on a quilt when Norm was born. It is very beautiful. I hope he reads this and is inspired to finish it (and re-assemble the fish chair). 11. He is the most “un” moody person I know. He can be grouchy but he will ALWAYS talk about his feelings which is very nice. 12. He is an amazing cook. He goes through phases where he specializes in making a certain dish. His most recent dish was pumpkin pie making the puree from scratch. He once went through a cheese cake phase. Even though neither of these are my favorites, he could make kick ass versions of both types of desserts. 13. He is probably the funniest man I know. He makes me laugh every day and Im so glad to be able to share him with you for his birthday! Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore Did You Ever Get The Feeling? The Knut Hut Canada Snarkypants Ash In Wonderland

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

why not a snarky pants Me-Me

Well its almost 9pm. Im really burnt in my mind but always like to leave Madame Fabu something to get her through the day. So I was going to do the Jesse Me-Me but his had fifty questions and the Fabulous Miss Snarkypants aka Lisa has only 26 items. So here we go....

A - Available/Single? Hehehe my favorite responses to this are "he's married, Im not" and "I aint that married". I heard a great one at work that described it best though: "two drinks away from anything."

B - Best Friend? I have a few best friends. Madame Fabu obviously. Cim.My wimmin all qualify. (Gretty, Erthy, LB etc.) My friend Molly taught me to refer to them individually like "my best friend so and so" to create equality.

C- Cake or Pie? Let them eat cake. And Ill eat me some pie!

D - Drink Of Choice? Vodka and diet coke.

E - Essential Item You Use Everyday? ack. laptop i guess!

F - Favorite Color? I like the cools.

G - Gummy Bears Or Worms? I dont care for either but i found these neon worms that are not sour and they stir something in me.

H - Hometown? Wouldnt you like to know?

I - Indulgence? Yes. As much as possible.

J - January Or February? February is the longest month of the year for me mentally and emotionally but January is no picnic either. I vote June.

K - Kids & Their Names? Norm and the Turnip.

L - Life Is Incomplete Without? Love.

M - Marriage Date? November 14, 1994.

N- Number Of Siblings? Two brothers. And Im a middle child...

O - Oranges Or Apples? both please?

P - Phobias/Fears? Oh we could do a whole alphabet list on this alone.

Q - Favorite Quote? "The best part of you ran down your mother's leg" (My eloquent brother came up with that!)

R - Reason to Smile? My dog loves Erthy in an amazingly special way making me believe that this destiny of us finding him is real.

S - Season?Salt!

T - Tag Three People? Well, I TAG YOU ALL.

U - Unknown Fact About Me? Im going to trim my toenails within the next hour and nobody but you knows its going to happen.

V - Vegetable you don’t like? Again could do a whole alphabet list of appalling vegetables.

W - Worst Habit? Just asked Gill this, he snickered. Maybe a third alphabet list is in order?

X - X-rays You’ve Had? Lots of them.

Y - Your Favorite Food? I really dont have a favorite anymore. I have a yen for home-made chex mix as Im writing this.

Z - Zodiac Sign? Leo. You can tell by my hair.

random slashes of tuesday

-Day two of having a dog JUST GETS BETTER. I love this dog so much. He slept all night next to norm's bed. The best part is I am a total "you live in our home and we love you. It would be an insult not to let you on the furniture" sort of pet owner. So he could have slept on the bed. It just seemed so protective to be next to the bed like that! Is he the most awesome dog in the world? YES HE IS. (ok in my world, no offense owners of other awesome dogs)
- I think I may be slightly allergic to George as my eye appears to have swollen up. I dont mind looking like Igor, the creepy assistant to a mad scientist, though as long as I have my dog.
- Im clearly going to be an annoying dog person. I realized this when I got giddy about going into the pet aisle with Gretty yesterday. George already has a growing christmas present stash.
- I met with a member of the team from hell today. I never leave this woman without feeling compromised and slightly dirty. Upon my return to the office, I had to ask Madame Fabu if I my head was not brown because i had it stuck so far up her ass. Some days I hate being a middle child and having people pleasing issues. Especially if the people are evil and/or crazy.
- Tomorrow is another meeting with the team from hell. I need to blog about the team from hell. Its one of the most stress inducing things in my life right now. Lonnie Manko and Madame Fabu are thankfully not allowing me to go to this meeting without a "grown-up". (its totally a "safety" issue) They are sending Spike with me (he is a supervisor)which will be good because he was a marine and as im laying down for them and begging them to shit on me, he will be providing the backbone I will be pretending I have.
-Madame Fabu launched phase three of "crse reorganization 2006" today. I think I was happier with the results than she was. We did draw the conclusion that I have no other choice for organizing my files besides going with a box. She has been trying to talk me into this box for a year and Ive finally given up and accepted it might be the only way. I think I need to do a blog review of my organizational issues and ask for feedback.
-Spike told me today that his wife is forbidding us to discuss the kevin bacon game at the office christmas "ball" on saturday. This is a double disappointment since there is also a "cash bar" at this event. This led to me excitedly sharing my finding about Borat and Pamela Anderson until Madame Fabu stopped us dead to refocus me. I really think some days Id be wandering through dumpsters if she didnt refocus me.

ok buddies, thats all i got right now. Im alittle behind in my reading but i plan on catching up tomorrow morning. Thanks for your patience and doggy support!

I LOVE MY DOG

I got a dog today! Fate led the dog from our friend T's yard to Aunt Gretty's yard to our house. He is the most beautiful gentle well-behaved dog ever and I love him. The Turnip shriekds and giggles every time he sees him and Norm made us leave my dad's because he thought the dog would be lonely. His name is George (at this point). I LOVE MY DOG!

Confidential to Pippa and Nan (blogger bitch as well)

Dearest friends, I wrote both of you long intense posts regarding both your last posts and they never appeared on your blogs. At first I thought maybe you both wanted to sensor them then i thought maybe it was a pattern. Sending love and light out to both of you and much bitterness towards beta!
your blogstalker crse

For some reason, Im not actually surprised

Thanks to the snugglyfuzzisexirific Luckybuzz for this one.

Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?

Bert & Ernie's Gay Love AffairLook, everyone knows you two are lovebirds. Why not do the brave thing and admit it to the world? The times are kinder nowadays. There may be the odd ultraconservative bigwig or overprotective mom, but so what? Piss on 'em. Come on out of the closet. It's ok.
Take this quiz!








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Six degrees of anxiety binding

I have a work friend who for the sake of the blog we will call Spike. He shares an office with Madame Fabu which greatly delights me. I will not expound upon the many great qualities of Spike because he has been here to visit before and i dont want him to think im sucking up but suffice it to say, Spike is really good people.

Anyway, as my dear readers (both real life and bloggy) know, Im currently in the throes of an insomnia cycle. This will come into play later.

It all began when i went to meet madame fabu on wednesday to complete some assignments (that she has been OH SO PATIENTLY waiting for me to do and yes i am sucking up because she EARNED that as you will see). I cant remember how the conversation with Spike started but i can tell you that somehow during the course of that conversation a completely useless and maddening obsession took root....within five minutes, I was completely sucked in. Ok are you ready? Its the kevin bacon game. Now im guessing most of you know the kevin bacon game where all actors and actresses can be linked to kevin bacon in less than six connections? its been around for years and i admit my idiot savant tendencies allowed me to have some fun with it in the mid nineties. Somehow, and i truly have no idea how, in the midst of my completely overwhelmed end of the month panic mode, something in my brain decided it needed to completely glom onto this concept.

Spike and I spent the better part of the early evening annoying the crap out of fellow co-workers (madame fabu was surprisingly patient even though she really doesnt get it since she chooses to fill her brain with silly things like attention to pertinent details and clinical skills)(Besides at some point i need to blog about her own little mental hell which will not only be extremely entertaining but also will allow my readers to see that she has very few stones to throw hehehe)trying to meet any and all challenges we could imagine or elicit from unsuspecting passersby. Good times right? No big deal. TO be honest, it is perfectly normal for me to waste valuable time on stuff like this forcing myself to stay up and work til all hours in the morning to make up for my own idiocy (Its ok, im dealing with it in therapy) But much to my surprise, next thing I realize its the predawn hours of the following morning and I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE CONNECTIONS!

It kind of clicked that this might have crossed the bounds of distracting spider monkey party games when I was weighing the appropriacy of texting Spike at 345am to tell him i did Jean Claude Van Damme in 4 steps. (weve since established that i will probably do that frequently now and he should not be alarmed) Maybe its the nature of the game offering me some sort of "brain gym" stimulation to help me decompress. Maybe its the extreme prison rules we've kind of developed for the game (Lonnie Manko is quite entertained by this and is helping cement the prison rules). All I know is for the past few days, Ive refined these connections in my mind continually, constantly looking for newer shorter ways to make this happen. Spending spare moments perusing the IMDB for new connections (following my own strict standards of research of course. Is that a sign of a schizophrenic break? It seems like it might be but obviously Im not in a position to judge)Desperately grabbing friends and relatives begging them to give me a challenging actor or actress.

Why am I telling you this? to process? to look for some sort of solution? Are you joking? IM LOOKING FOR NEW PEOPLE! I am giving myself two weeks of allowing myself open access to the IMDB just for refreshing purposes (I bore two children, i should be allowed to refresh of course still following the same stringent research standards) and then I plan on being a complete MACHINE about this. UN. STOPPABLE. Ok, Aunt Erthy is here so im going to shower and think about bernadette peters for a while and then share a meal with her!

Thursday Thirteen sixteen or seventeen?

Thursday Thirteen “really great ideas” I HAD make happen with results ranging from slight disappointment to life changing horror. 1. The birds. It seemed like the perfect pet idea! Birds! Relatively low maintenance cute and entertaining. Too bad Norm and I realized the first night we brought them home that they scared the holy hell out of us. 2. The potato chipper. You slice the potatoes and microwave them on a little potato merry go round. Brilliant! Low fat but with the taste and full body of a potato chip…..except not so much…more like soggy thin overly chewy paper. 3. The iced tea maker. Because I love iced tea. What could make me happier than a bona fide iced tea maker? Oh how I coveted this iced tea maker. You can thus imagine my chagrin when I discovered that making iced tea with this magic machine was three times more complicated than making it the old fashioned way. 4. Car shopping with my adorable but not so business wise sister in law bonsai. Oh I was a feminist with an IQ in the 140s! I was NOT going to let some slimy used car salesman get the best of me! Until I walked in the door, became possessed by their mind control and ended up purchasing a two door sporty sunfire (Did I mention I had a toddler and was PREGNANT?) That car was the scourge of my existence until I ended up with the midsize sedan of my dreams. 5. Setting my dad up with my stepmother. Note to self- next time you set up your ONLY unconditional support? Pick someone who actually likes you (or at least can hide their loathing a bit better!) 6. The religious studies degree for undergrad. Oh that’s served me well….very helpful when people call me in the middle of their religious debates. 7. The smoothie maker. Two glorious alcoholic smoothie filled months with the Fabus until Gill got too annoyed to make them for us anymore. Turns out that drinking alcoholic smoothies is a lot more fun than making them. Especially when you are drunk. 8. The videocamera we had to get before Norm’s first Christmas. Yep its on there. Never watched since. Never used again. Why? No idea. 9. The plan to play and win every single free cell game within the next three years. It was all well and good until I started losing sleep and coming unglued when other activities disrupted the plan. It became my heroin. I can never open that window again. 10. Insisting that Gill renew his relationship with his parents when we first met. Ohhhh that’s what he meant by them being completely insane. Whoops, my bad on that one. 11. Ordering a two hundred dollar phone from a phone solicitor (no pun intended!) because it had talking caller id. Oh they make that in a twenty dollar answering machine? You don’t say…. 12. Observing the free play basketball time during emotional support gym class. Twenty eight kids with aggression and behavior problems with projectile basketballs? Sounds great! Im going to sit over here by the wall farthest from the exit. 13. Tivo. HA like anyone would believe that. I might as well say I regret my sonicare toothbrush. Or my beautiful children… Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore Did You Ever Get The Feeling? The Knut Hut Canada Snarkypants Ash In Wonderland

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Because you dont already know enough weird things about me!

My sister in chaos Jen (Factor 10) Tagged me for this and i know i did it before but what kind of blogger would i be if i didnt wave all my weirdness around like a big old flag! (and for those interested, i can of course always come up with more weird things about me!) Jen asked for six.

1. You may know this but Ive struggled with insomnia my whole life. I never know when it will hit and when it does, NOTHING helps.

2. Im really fascinated by cruel dictators and stories of abuse of power in history (or current events, or even daily life). I dont need details of the carnage, I want to hear about the perpetrators' personalities. (ok and i do like a general idea of the carnage)

3. I am appalled by hand dryers in bathrooms. I cant stop thinking about them spreading germs all over the room and actually drying the germs into my hands.

4. I sometimes believe my moral compass is broken. Things that I do that should make me feel guilty do not at all and I frighten myself as to how unapologetic I feel about these things.

5. I secretly believe my talents would be best served if i started some sort of cult. I think i have the makings of a fine charismatic leader, and I would be very clear about a non-violent, non-suicide stance.

6. I once had a pair of glasses for three years that a boy i liked found on a chain link fence in New York City during a spontaneous road trip involving a four hour visit to the big apple one crazy crazy night.

random quick slashes

- the turnip learned to kiss. It is kind of alarming the way he leans in like a little pro. Do you think Im damaging the kids by initiating the french kisses between them for my own entertainment?

- Gretty is here this week and at least sanity has returned to the household again. We all feel a bit more nurtured.

- i did not sleep between 1230-530 last night. I do not know why. I did a lot of sudoku.

- I have a royal mess involving the "perfect storm". More details to follow. Here is a preview. She had to write a sentence for her spelling words and one was strained. Her sentence was "I didnt like being re strained on thursday". My response sentence would have been "Well sunshine, the boy you were attacking strained to beat the shit out of you until you were restrained".

Thats all i got. Back to the sea of end of the month despair.

bitch and moan monday- a live blog

Well its the end of the month friends. We all know what that means. A sea of casenotes, a short temper and squalor all around me! So being that nobody would see me today, I thought why not live blog my bitching and moaning for the day! I shall do this and it shall be good. And I shall use random slashes. And I shall veer from bitching and moaning should it serve me to do so. After all, its the end of the month, we can probably color anything I come up with as a bitch or a moan!

1ish- two things i did not want to say to norm today: "maybe its not a good idea to make a picture out of your bubble gum." and "please dont eat your yogurt in the clothes basket. Daddy will come unglued."

- I am thinking of expanding my tivo selections. I am ready to add a new program I think. Maybe even two. Does anyone have suggestions besides grey's anatomy? I already watch the office, CSI and the law and orders. Im thinking about heroes, brothers and sisters or possibly house. Feedback?

- I freaking hate the show lazy town. If you don't know what Im talking about consider yourself lucky. It is a compilation of really ugly puppets and the single most annoying child I have ever observed (and bear in mind, i work with kids with behavior disorders). Stephanie (and this includes but is not limited to all the little assholes on the welches grape juice commercials). She has pink hair and chews up the scenery worse than judy garland on a drinking binge. I think a lot about bitch slapping her. It makes me feel better.

-Speaking of judy garland, i heard this great story that she was drunk at a party and threw a bunch of lawn furniture into the swimming pool and screamed "there is no fucking rainbow!". I love this image. It makes me happy too.


- I just found this picture for my readers' edification. The more I look at it, the more I think she looks like a boy in drag. I think I would find her more likable if she was a boy in drag.

3 ish- Slash break time! Ok John Edwards' teeth are way too big and perfect to be acceptable in a vice president. I wonder if this cost his team the 2004 election Or maybe it was because despite the fact that I watched all three debates and can see his face clearly, I can never remember the guy who actually ran's name. Kemp right? Kemp. Also known as "the other guy".

- One would expect a documentary on Benito Mussolini and General Franco not to be so....abrasive. I was so interested but the narration was so harsh I had to turn away to something more soothing like the relaxing voice of the guy who narrates "City Confidential". Truth be told though, relaxing is probably not the right word. He is more scintillating. The way he described my dead town as "sitting on the edge of the river like a rusted out and abandoned pick up truck" makes everyone in the city sound...sexy.

- I wonder if the bill collector who calls from the unknown number and leaves me messages regarding "personal business" actually believes that I dont know what he wants. Even if I had the money, I dont think I could talk to him now. Too much water under the bridge.

430pm-Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are splitting up? I cant believe it! They had so many weddings, I thought for sure they would be married forever.

-Add to things I didnt want to have to say to norm today. "Do you know why my butt is covered in gum? Is it supposed to be covered in gum?" I should be time coding the live blog shouldnt i?

744pm- Just got home from a lovely dinner and visit with my friend Kathleen and her sons. She is due to have another son on the 17th of January and we were picking out names for her baby. I suggested she auction off the naming privilege on E-bay. How bad could it be? No matter what they came up with there has to be a cute nickname...

-Chaos is ensuing here at the panflutemaster house as we have conflict involving a hot wheels set and missing stickers and pieces. Our baby of perpetual dissatisfaction is whining and norm has just this minute has become hysterical because his father will not give him coffee.

adderal why have you forsaken me?

I realize in terms of crises, this is rather low-key, but im in a low-grade state of panic over this one. Its about the damn PAMPERED CHEF PARTY THAT WILL NOT END! (and costs me more with every passing day) I realize the panic is probably because of the Phyllis factor. I lost a 90 dollar check that Lonnie Manko gave Madame Fabu who gave it to me in a simple envelope. Which I lost. Her order is in, and I lost her check. Madame Fabu will be finding this out as she reads this and trust me, everywhere you are telling me to look Madame? Ive already looked. So now I have to make up some sort of fiction for Phyllis explaining that she needs to put Lonnie Manko's order on my credit card because I cannot bear to hear annoyance in her tone one more time. My relationship with phyllis should have never been and it needs to end quickly. And I have to break it to Lonnie Manko that I lost her check. She will most likely be kind but lets face it. Nothing says Im a gold star employee like I lost the check you gave me despite every precaution you took. I dont even know what this means to people who actually balance their checkbooks. I SUCK!!! But so does Phyllis.

EDITED TO ADD: I FOUND THE CHECK. IN YOUR FACE PHYLLIS! It was no small sense of poetic justice I felt when I realized I could send the check to her in her very own self-addressed stamped envelope that she gave me for some other god forsaken task i obviously had no intention of completing....

The ugly season

Well my friends, Thanksgiving has come and gone. Lovely day despite a somewhat unfortunate encounter with the bonsai's least favorite aunt, who i suspect has a girl crush on me. (dont believe me? lets review the list shall we?: Is she manly? check. Did she leave her husband for another woman in the 90s and then get back together with him? check. Does she prolongingly look at my breasts and extend eye contact? check. Is she not even remotely attractive? Check. Is she hostile towards Gill? Check.) Needless to say, the bonsai threw me under the bus on this one and nobody else thought twice about leaving me there. I was a trooper friends. I took the hits and still managed to avoid the boob crushing hug at the end.

Id like to say that this encounter was responsible for what transpired later that evening but I would be lying. Truth be told, thanksgiving night was actually the beginning of what I have come to think of as "the ugly season". In the next six weeks, there will be a flurry of parties and occasions that will require your host to get stupid ugly drunk. And I am prepared to live up to this expectation. Here are some highlights from thursday night.

-after being dropped off at the bar, one of the first people I saw was a woman from my past whose car I didnt "technically" steal. It was more like a joyride. She hates me friends.

-needless to say this led me to overindulge in the vodka right away.

-which led me to behave like a lunatic on the dance floor

-and force my cousin to slow dance with me (she was ok with it. she is no stranger to drunk crse)

- and drink more.

- and inadvertently buy a shot for a man I loathe because I was politely asking him if he needed to get closer to the bar. (Folks, sometimes drunk crse is not my friend)

-and start a conversation with someone else who NONE of my friends ever liked.

-and drunk dial several friends who were not there to tell them I was hanging out with the person I forgot we dont like to get them to come out and see the person we didnt really care for.

-and possibly hit on my friend's brother. (when you get onto topics like swinging and you are drunk and trying to affirming, well...it could go either way)

Ok well thats enough highlights. Might as well pace this as we have several more events to look forward to.

The aftermath wasnt pretty friends. And Im not ready to talk about it. Until we went to Madame Fabu's mother for dinner last night, the day was a blur of me on the couch trapped in a flinstone's marathon encouraging my children to snack on whatever they could reach in lieu of actual meals. Its going to be a long holiday season my friends.

Thursday Thirteen maybe the 15th or 16th one?

Thursday Thirteen Things I am Thankful For. 1. First of all, my family. My boys. My nuclear crew. Gill, Norm and the Turnip are so far beyond the wildest dreams and expectations I had for my future. (I know its awful, but Im also grateful that they are all so cute and smart and funny) 2. My friends. I have amazing friends. I sometimes look at the friends I have and I say “why do these really cool and spectacular people hang out with me?” Yay my friends! 3. My family of origin. My dad and my brothers. They are so different from each other and they sometimes drive me completely crazy but I cant imagine life without him. 4. My step-sister and my sisters in law. My brothers married good people. Even my step-brother married a goddess. My step sister rocks some hard ass too! 5. My grammy. After she died I stopped putting her in my thank you part of my prayers for a few weeks. Then I realized, even though she died, I still want to pray for her and express my gratitude that I had her in my life and now I have her in my heart. 6. My job. It is a perfect job for me. Not only do I love the people I work with but I love what I do. Sometimes you just know what you are supposed to do in life and as Gretty said today “the only thing harder than following your path, is knowing you should be and not following it” 7. My house. I love my house. I really hope it doesn’t get repossessed. 8. Psychopharmacology. I think everyone in my family and several of my friends are grateful for this too. 9. My blogfriends. You guys smack the shit! 10. My sonicare toothbrush. I shall never forget. 11. That gill’s mother doesn’t know where we live or how to get in contact with us. And that my mother sued us so there is no sense of obligation tomorrow. I cant even begin to describe how much better this makes holidays. 12. This goes back to number two. That my boys have all these awesome women around to guide them through life. They literally have a slew of fairy godmothers. 13. Ok I know it’s wrong, but I have to be true to myself. I am grateful for TiVo. (DVR) I am so thankful for this invention and I never want to think about life without it again. Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore Did You Ever Get The Feeling? The Knut Hut Snarkypants Ash In Wonderland

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Stresses

I promise I am going to do my thursday thirteen on gratitude (not so original but very necessary) so I am allowing myself some slashes of stress as it is 4am and Im being kept awake by said stresses. These are in no particular order.

-I hit a deer today. Well, more accurately the deer bounced off my car. It shattered my back driver's side window (where the turnip sits usually, but this happened at work) It could have been SO MUCH worse. So Im multi-stressing on this one, as I cant stop contemplating how bad it could have been for my little turnip (its a feeling of gratitude and horror mixed into one) and I am also stressing because it was 150 dollars that I didnt have. Lonnie Manko thought we could try to get it covered by our place of employ as I was working at the time, so at least I have that to hope for even if it doesnt actually happen. Oh did I mention i only have minimal coverage so nothing was covered by insurance? Which is a nice segue into...

-Money. I dont have any. And christmas is coming. And visions of a disappointed Norm are dancing through my head resulting in periodic cringes. The house payment is overdue. Stupid consumer driven society.

- This pampered chef party that WILL NOT END. Phyllis (the consultant who I seriously think LOATHES me by now, which Im surprisingly ok with because truth be told Im not that fond of her either) is phone stalking me and I am really not looking forward to seeing her to close the show.

- My site meter isnt working and the webmaster guy isnt returning my email. Hey webmaster guy. I may be a freeloader but Im promoting your site on a blog that is read INTERNATIONALLY (which actually invites a little shout out to my intriguing new visitor from brazil! Im glad you are coming back whoever you are! Gracias!)

-Norm is about to come out and yell at me for being out of bed. I just dont want my four year old to yell at me right now. Is that so much to ask?

- Gill-smoke is working friday and saturday. not only is this bad for me because Ill be relatively alone with the monkeys (Although aunt gretty is coming to offer guidance on friday and Madame Fabu is trying to wangle me an invitation to her Friday thanksgiving) but I will also miss him. And not get to sleep in. Poor me.
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I need to counter this with some gratitude.

- the deer was ok! It was a relief to see that he just scampered off into the woods as if I was just a small obstacle in his mating quest.

-my mechanic (whose name is Tommy Christmas, I am not even joking) referred me to a nice glass place that fixed windows while you wait. The office lady was awesome and it all went way better than I could have hoped. (minus the 150 dollars)

- Aunt Gretty has been doing this nanny/life coach thing for us for the past few weeks and ideally she will be doing it until January. I cant tell you how this has changed my life. She is truly the wife we've always needed in this house.

- Erthy invited me for thanksgiving today! That made me incredibly happy. Which leads me to..

-My thanksgiving should be stress free. Im going to my brother and the bonsai (my sister in law...god i need to fix my blog so I can reference people easier) is cooking. It will be a delightful time unless my brother is being an ass to the bonsai which means I will sit with her mother and apologize for his behavior while they argue. (I tell her we werent raised like this, but looking back, we might as well have been raised by freaking wolves for as much parenting as my mother did so I guess we should doubly count our blessings as the three of us are only neurotic messes as opposed to dangerous blights on society...)

- Madame Fabu and Lonnie Manko were extremely reaffirming and kind about the deer thing even though I was so stunned I went into denial and thought I should just finish working. I also had dark chocolate M&MS which of course make everything better.

Ok Im feeling a bit better.

bitch and moan monday (and a shout out)

I started one earlier but didnt have enough to bitch and moan about. Actually I still dont besides the fact that Im looking at a relatively unpleasant day tomorrow with many obligations and unfinished administrative crap to do. Lovely weekend with a delightful party for the littlest fabu followed by a parade where Norm and Princess fabu rode on a float together like the little king and queen of christmas. Oh I can bitch and moan about that. I had to walk along side the float which was being haulled by a truck bearing a sticker that says "This truck has lift because fat chicks cant climb". This pissed me off for the entire parade. All I wanted to do was politely tell this jackass to rest his mind because no self respecting chicks (fat or thin or in between) would want to ride with such an illiterate redneck asshole. But alas, It was not the time or place. It could have been worse. He could have had a "these colors don't run". My head is going to one day implode while I contemplate everything wrong and stupid about that phrase.


Ok this isnt my most quality post but I want to send a little shout out to my friend Skycat. Skycat is a delightful person that I have the pleasure of knowing through the Fantastic Luckybuzz. Skycat just starting blogging again and I think many of you will enjoy her wit and wisdom! Ok that may be the only non-pointless thing I shared today so I am going to stop.

sometimes words just are not enough.

Thursay Thirteen Holiday Survival Guide

Thursday Thirteen Holiday Survival Guide. 1. Ok my good friend Pippa rose to the challenge I left on her blog for us both to make Survival guides out of our thursday thirteens. I have to admit, some of this will come from a very old post called "Ways to tell you are having a dysfunctional family holiday" It was one of my first posts (July 5 if youd like to refer because beta wont let me link it) on blogger. 1. Form alliances (Pippa refers to this and I agree it should be first and foremost). It is helpful if the alliances share your views on the more dysfunctional members of the family because then you can... 2. Create party games targetted around the DMs (dysfunctional members) like scavenger hunts based on different family behaviors. In my family, my allies and I base the whole hunt around who can catch my step-mother engaging in her usually horrific behaviors. Your list will include: Finding her bossing your kids around, having her cut you off in conversation, having her grab your plate off you before you are finished, having her invite people to an event in front of you and leave your family out, having her criticize your parenting, having her criticizing someone else's behavior to you, well you get the drift. We also do a drinking game version of you have to drink any time she lies, or says a snarky comment etc. Mixing up the games can provide good times for everyone! 3. You and your allies should develop game plans to minimize collateral damage. It is best if you do this beforehand. For example, if you are hosting, one person is assigned to block the DM from you at all times, another is assigned to protect the children, another is assigned for moral and liquor support. 4. Drink. A lot. 5. Plan a process time for after the DMs leave. And plan time for decompressing the next day with the allies. 6. Handling snarky comments and passive aggressive insults should be its own list. Some of my favorite techniques are laughing overly hard at the passive aggressive comment and then as you calm down just say "I honestly cant believe you actually said that out loud". My added to touch is to start laughing again and then shake my head and just get up and walk away. This is great especially if it wasnt meant to be funny. Sometimes, if its a really inappropriate comment, it is best just to let it hang in the air while you put a sympathetic look on your face and very pointedly avoid eye contact. What you are going for is "I am so sorry that you just made an ass of yourself. Im embarrassed for all of us." That awkward silence is pure gold. 7. Drink before the party. 8. MAKE SURE YOUR MEDS ARE REGULATED BEFORE THE SEASON. Sometimes you have to start early to insure good regulation. Ive been working on the Christmas Season Med regimen since July. I also finding doubling your meds that day to be helpful (watch this with the drinking) (If you have to sacrifice, give up the extra med. YOU NEED THAT ALCOHOL) 9. Passive aggressive gifts can be quite delightful. We do this with my step-mother because she is hideously mean to us all year long and completely ungracious no matter what we get her. Suggestions can be anything from off brand body wash with the words "dollar general" printed on it, to a ten dollar bill in an envelope. My sister in law got her a gift certificate to a plus size store because she is always commenting on our weights even though she is twice the size of any of us. I was horrified yet gleeful. 10. Teach your children to come tell if grandma is being a bully. 11. USE YOUR CALLER ID. If you dont have caller ID, screen screen screen. Screen before the holiday. Screen for a few days after the holiday. If you absolutely cannot avoid returning a call try your best to return it at a time that offers the best opportunity of getting their voicemail. NEVER TELL THEM TO CALL YOU BACK. Answer questions this way and end the conversation with "so we will see you at t-giving/christmas/hanakuh/kwanzaa". 12. If football is playing, become a sports fan and just sit in front of the tv pretending to watch the game. If your family is like mine, not much talking will be happening in front of that tv. You may need to pay attention to when people are cheering or making comments. Just nod and shake your head and join in on the cheering. Its a beautiful way to hide in plain sight. 13. Dont give the DMs all the power. Focus on the people you like to be with and plan on enjoying yourself. If you think positive, you can get through anything. As long as you keep drinking. Blogs I like even if their lists aren’t up yet Did You Ever Get The Feeling? The Knut Hut Using My Powers For Good Snarkypants Ash In Wonderland

Get the Thursday Thirteen code her e!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants