Sunday, July 30, 2006
cleaning the psychic house
So I cleaned my car this weekend. I mean I really cleaned it. Including scrubbing the carpets (which unfortunately did not disengage the dried on gummy products). And Tuesday I have an appointment with Madame Fabu to organize my work. Because Gill does basic housekeeping this will mean that for the first time since I can remember, not one part of my life will be disorganized or in disarray. This scares the living hell out of me. (Im serious, there was a brief period in 1994 that I didnt have enough stuff to be disordered, but I dont remember this as a good thing.) There is a theory that we keep our houses and surroundings as a mirror of our psyches. The more cluttered our areas are, the more stuff we have shoved aside in our minds. But I havent had any great revelation mentally that will actually support a psychic cleansing. I only cleaned the car because Norm graduated to a booster seat. I dont know what is coming and Im afraid a shoe is going to drop and it is going to drop hard. I feel kind of vulnerable about all this but I really really want to put the outer stuff in order. The disorder is suffocating. (and kind of smelly) (ok really smelly) (fermenting beverages and the likes)(and a petrified hot dog stub which disturbed the HELL out of me) (dont anyone judge me, three spider monkeys in a car just bodes no good). I just am not sure what is hiding behind it all, and I dont know that I want to find out.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Birthdate Test
I stole this from Jen! (Factor 10).
This might actually be somewhat true, which is a little alarming....
This might actually be somewhat true, which is a little alarming....
| Your Birthdate: August 22 |
 You tend to be understated and under appreciated. You have a hidden force to do amazing things, doing them your own way. People may see you as strange and shy, but they know little. Your unconventional ways have more power than they (and even you) know. Your strength: Standing up for what you know is true Your weakness: You tend to be picky and rigid Your power color: Silver Your power symbol: Square Your power month: April |
Friday, July 28, 2006
Because....
Because I have a crap load of printing to do, left my free ink at the office and am waiting for my dad to call me back so I can print there. Because I love love love my Luckybuzz. Because, after all, who doesn't like talking about me!
GRUB-OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice?
A good buttermilk ranch although my sister in law introduced us to the beauty of balsamic italian good seasons.
What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
I cant eat fast food anymore except for taco bell. yes i find this very strange.
What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
There is a little diner in the city I work that gives you little personal pitchers of your beverage when you order your drink. Being in control of my own beverage refills wins me over.
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
20% or more if the service is good. Never less than 15% no matter how bad the service is because I always forget things at the table and have to go back.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Cheese. And I do.
Name three foods you detest above all others.
Onions, Peppers, and Cabbage.
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant?
This is terrible but white rice. I do put soy sauce on it...
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Sausage and black olives.
What do you like to put on your toast?
butter and honey.
What is your favorite type of gum?
orbit sweet mint.
TECH-OLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone?
no clue.
Number of contacts in your email address book?
no clue. Do people count these up or are there short cuts.
What is your wallpaper on your computer?
my babies.
What is your screensaver on your computer?
dont have one.
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer?
mebbe.
How many land line phones do you have in your house?
none.
How many televisions are in your house?
3.
What kitchen appliance do you use the least?
Ha. The oven/stove.
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most?
im a scanner.
How many sex toys do you own that require batteries?
four.
BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute?
I hate this question. I have interesting hair. I like LBs answer. You tell me.
Are you right handed or left handed?
Right.
Do you like your smile?
no. but it doesnt stop me from smiling or anything.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A couple babies.
Would you like to?
not particularly.
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom?
Im never alone in the bathroom. It would be rude to read in front of my audience.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
Id have to forego the five senses and say my spidey sense is the keenest.
When was the last time you had a cavity?
I have some right now.
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly?
The Turnip in his car seat.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Nope.
MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
I think I would now but then I think Id be sorry I knew. It would ruin my end of life.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
But I can change it. I just dont want to. But if I did I would probably pick Esmerelda or something like that. But I really really like my name. It suits me.
How do you express your artistic side?
I dont think I have one.
What color do you think you look best in?
You know? Ive been mixing it up a little lately. I have a purple shimmery shirt i kind of think i dont look horrid in.
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison?
Well it depends on the nature of the prison. Sometimes three hots and a cot seem very appealing. The violence scares me but if i could wife myself up to a tough woman, i think id be ok. And I seem to appeal to that type of prison woman. The confinement part would be ok as long as I could read and write and stuff.
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
oh yes. more times than i can count.
If we weren’t bound by society’s conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at?
no i think i have an internal taboo clock or something. its not that they arent attractive. they just dont appeal to me.
How often do you go to church?
not enough, but our church is doing weird stuff in the summer so i feel less guilty.
Have you ever saved someone’s life?
Ive heard I have but Im not sure if thats completely true.
Has someone ever saved yours?
maybe my OB when she planned the c-sections because of complications. She did say if i didnt have the kids early, i could die. does that count?
DARE-OLOGY
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
OHHH hell yes
Would you kiss a member of the gender you don't normally kiss, for $100?*
I would do it for free.
Would you have sex with a member of gender you don't usually have sex with for $10,000?
Again, I would probably for free, but dont tell anyone, I could use the money.
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
Im not sure. Id have to think on this. I really like my fingers.
Would you never blog again for $50,000?
Oh god yes. Id just blogstalk others.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
yeah. and if you find a person who wants to pay 250,000 for this, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
One of my brother's friends did this a few weeks back for 20 bucks, but ill still pass.
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
I dont know if i could do that. Id have to be able to pick the human. Like someone in a lot of terrible pain who is about to die anyway I could do.
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000?
Yes
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
Yes
GRUB-OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice?
A good buttermilk ranch although my sister in law introduced us to the beauty of balsamic italian good seasons.
What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
I cant eat fast food anymore except for taco bell. yes i find this very strange.
What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
There is a little diner in the city I work that gives you little personal pitchers of your beverage when you order your drink. Being in control of my own beverage refills wins me over.
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
20% or more if the service is good. Never less than 15% no matter how bad the service is because I always forget things at the table and have to go back.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Cheese. And I do.
Name three foods you detest above all others.
Onions, Peppers, and Cabbage.
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant?
This is terrible but white rice. I do put soy sauce on it...
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Sausage and black olives.
What do you like to put on your toast?
butter and honey.
What is your favorite type of gum?
orbit sweet mint.
TECH-OLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone?
no clue.
Number of contacts in your email address book?
no clue. Do people count these up or are there short cuts.
What is your wallpaper on your computer?
my babies.
What is your screensaver on your computer?
dont have one.
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer?
mebbe.
How many land line phones do you have in your house?
none.
How many televisions are in your house?
3.
What kitchen appliance do you use the least?
Ha. The oven/stove.
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most?
im a scanner.
How many sex toys do you own that require batteries?
four.
BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute?
I hate this question. I have interesting hair. I like LBs answer. You tell me.
Are you right handed or left handed?
Right.
Do you like your smile?
no. but it doesnt stop me from smiling or anything.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A couple babies.
Would you like to?
not particularly.
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom?
Im never alone in the bathroom. It would be rude to read in front of my audience.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
Id have to forego the five senses and say my spidey sense is the keenest.
When was the last time you had a cavity?
I have some right now.
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly?
The Turnip in his car seat.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Nope.
MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
I think I would now but then I think Id be sorry I knew. It would ruin my end of life.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
But I can change it. I just dont want to. But if I did I would probably pick Esmerelda or something like that. But I really really like my name. It suits me.
How do you express your artistic side?
I dont think I have one.
What color do you think you look best in?
You know? Ive been mixing it up a little lately. I have a purple shimmery shirt i kind of think i dont look horrid in.
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison?
Well it depends on the nature of the prison. Sometimes three hots and a cot seem very appealing. The violence scares me but if i could wife myself up to a tough woman, i think id be ok. And I seem to appeal to that type of prison woman. The confinement part would be ok as long as I could read and write and stuff.
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
oh yes. more times than i can count.
If we weren’t bound by society’s conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at?
no i think i have an internal taboo clock or something. its not that they arent attractive. they just dont appeal to me.
How often do you go to church?
not enough, but our church is doing weird stuff in the summer so i feel less guilty.
Have you ever saved someone’s life?
Ive heard I have but Im not sure if thats completely true.
Has someone ever saved yours?
maybe my OB when she planned the c-sections because of complications. She did say if i didnt have the kids early, i could die. does that count?
DARE-OLOGY
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
OHHH hell yes
Would you kiss a member of the gender you don't normally kiss, for $100?*
I would do it for free.
Would you have sex with a member of gender you don't usually have sex with for $10,000?
Again, I would probably for free, but dont tell anyone, I could use the money.
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
Im not sure. Id have to think on this. I really like my fingers.
Would you never blog again for $50,000?
Oh god yes. Id just blogstalk others.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
yeah. and if you find a person who wants to pay 250,000 for this, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
One of my brother's friends did this a few weeks back for 20 bucks, but ill still pass.
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
I dont know if i could do that. Id have to be able to pick the human. Like someone in a lot of terrible pain who is about to die anyway I could do.
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000?
Yes
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
Yes
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Thursday Thirteen
Thirteen Things Random Things about My Day
1. I had grilled pineapple for the first time today.
2. I decided someone I was never so crazy about might not be a bad person.
3. I decided someone I thought was a great person might not be someone I should be so crazy about. (Actually, I decided this about two people today).
4. At least one other person I work with was glad I shared this about the person in #2, because she was also feeling bad vibes about him but never wanted to say anything.
5. I realized that as much as I want to be an objective professional, Im always going to have to quell my feminist outrage about the sexism that thrives in our society.
6. I almost ran out of gasoline today. (you can say this about my day approximately twice a month)
7. I had to deal with two really tough situations that required me to behave in a way that is totally out of character for me. (In a good way, growth stuff)
8. My supervisor (madame fabu) and my boss (who needs a good alias) made the above situations much much better in many ways, making me once again intensely and painfully appreciative about how lucky I am to work with these amazing women.
9. My boys are sick today and their father made them watch horrible things like “Addicted to Oil” on the science channel. (not that I have room to judge. I once got completely sucked in to a documentary he was watching about the history of salt).
10. For the first time all summer, I had an umbrella during a down pour and did not get wet. Granted it was a golf umbrella and I ended up losing half my stuff in a puddle while I tried to put it back down, but I am still counting this as a positive in the day.
11. I learned the difference between alligators and crocodiles.
12. I got about 60 dollars of printer’s ink for free!
13. The Turnip took his first steps today!!!!
Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
very quick WTF Wednesday
WTF is up with the Addams family cartoon? This is an insult to the original show. The kids are simpering idiots, Uncle Fester is a Jewish Drag Queen without the costume or the charisma, (and lets not kid ourselves, why do we really love our Jewish Drag Queens?) Morticia and Gomez have the chemistry of a q-tip (sidenote: My 4 YEAR OLD, who has seen the original, asked why this Gomez is such an idiot?) and Lurch has completely lost the Gary Cooper mystique and is little more than a glorified Eeyore. I could extend this to a WTF is up with the damn boomerang marathons this week but I was way too excited about a full day of Dexter's Laboratory to feel morally superior about that.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
crunch time
Well Im wrapping up my first blog month with the realization that Ive never had end of the month blogging. Let me just explain that for disorganized folk like me, the end of the month SUCKS in my field (until it is over and then there is a huge exciting sense of relief)(but we are so not there yet). So the next few days will most likely contain brief panicked blogging. You can expect this on a monthly basis until I get my crap together. (god love them at my job, its been seven years and we all still have hope) (Seriously, Madame Fabu has this great plan, I just need to figure out how to sustain it, and she is going to help me) (You call it denial, we call it maintaining a positive outlook). Ok Im off to panic!
dream
Its after 4am and Im not feeling well because I was outside a lot today. Im fairly certain that Im becoming allergic to the world. Anyway, I woke up about a half an hour ago from a disturbing dream. In the dream, most of the folks I supervise were bitching because they felt we needed new interventions. I met with my boss and she said, "look at the data". Which was reassuring in ways I cant explain. Anyway, I found myself vacuuming the office space and when she asked me why, I said that I needed to see some progress. The vacuuming was extremely comforting. Then for some reason I was taking a school bus home and missed the bus. I called my father only to realize he had reconciled with my mother (REALLY BAD THING) but was still going to see my step-mother without telling my mother (ANOTHER REALLY BAD THING). I was sick with dread and the weather was cold and snowy. I woke up remembering the last contact I had with my mother before she attempted to take legal action against my brothers and I. (crazy is as crazy does) and now im exhausted but somewhat alarmed. Ok purging it made me feel better. Going back to sleep. Thanks for letting me put this out there...
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
avoidance of work
I think im going to do a longitudinal study of how much blogging I will ultimately do to avoid work. I think I will name all the posts accordingly for easy tracking. Right now, I need to write case notes. Dont get me wrong, sometimes on saturday I can just sit down and do the work. Today is not one of those Saturdays. It is 4pm. I have to leave my house for the night in about two hours. Im not dressed. Im not bathed and I have not written a single note. Instead, I slept until noon, read blogs, and played about 13 games of spider solitaire trying to bring my average back up to 50%. Oh and I tried to nap around 3 but it didnt take. Im in a surprisingly good mood despite my complete lack of motivation and the overwhelming thought of having to write all these notes by monday knowing that im going to be gone tonight and for a good part of the day tomorrow.
Friday, July 21, 2006
The Turnip
I just learned how to make my sidebar link and since Ive referenced the rest of my crew, I need to make a post for my little Turnip. He is my second born and my "happy accident". He is a year old. He was almost 6 weeks premature but does not seem to be suffering complications. He does resemble a bloated William Shatner when he is upset but he is unbelievably cute.He is a cheery little snuggly guy and quite a mellow baby. His favorite things are food, his brother, and electrical cords. Despite his pleasant little disposition, he rarely sleeps through the night even now. Yes, we are giving him a midnight bottle which could explain why the horizontal stripes arent so flattering and the elastic waist bands arent so forgiving. But, everyone loves a fat baby!
If anyone knows how to unlink the section titles from the post above it, please let me know!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Thursday Thirteen
 |
1…. Start your list here! Links to other Thursday Thirteens! |
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
Thirteen Ways I Annoy My Spouse
1.By every morning consistently wrecking the order he creates at night.
2. By continually allowing my four year old to eat and subsequently spill cereal on the carpet after we have both been repeatedly forbidden to eat anything on the carpet.
3. By calling him at work at least once every three months at work and leaving a panicked message NOT to use the money card NO MATTER WHAT.
4. By forgetting to tell him big things like “we are going away for the weekend tomorrow” or “I already got the kids from day-care”.
5. By having to hear me yell “don’t open the door!” when the mail carrier knocks and knowing I’m serious. (Somehow he is never reassured by the fact that Ive never actually let the utilities get turned off or the house repossessed)
6. By making fat jokes about the baby.
7. By goofing off til the very last minute when we are getting ready to go someplace and thus making us late to almost every single function.
8. By wearing his clothes.
9. By becoming extremely irritated and accusing him of being negative every time he brings up a household or car repair that needs to happen.
10. By leaving a trail of “forensic evidence” that indicates exactly what Id been doing from the time he left the house till the time he came home.
11. By telling the four year old we are going shopping and then making him stay till the end of the Jimmy Neutron episode.
12. By calling him at 4pm and begging him to come home when the kids are fussy and Im home with them. And then calling every twenty minutes to see if he is on his way.
13. By telling him I can’t leave the house till I come up with a subject for my Thursday Thirteen. (although, I think he was secretly delighted to help with this one)
1.By every morning consistently wrecking the order he creates at night.
2. By continually allowing my four year old to eat and subsequently spill cereal on the carpet after we have both been repeatedly forbidden to eat anything on the carpet.
3. By calling him at work at least once every three months at work and leaving a panicked message NOT to use the money card NO MATTER WHAT.
4. By forgetting to tell him big things like “we are going away for the weekend tomorrow” or “I already got the kids from day-care”.
5. By having to hear me yell “don’t open the door!” when the mail carrier knocks and knowing I’m serious. (Somehow he is never reassured by the fact that Ive never actually let the utilities get turned off or the house repossessed)
6. By making fat jokes about the baby.
7. By goofing off til the very last minute when we are getting ready to go someplace and thus making us late to almost every single function.
8. By wearing his clothes.
9. By becoming extremely irritated and accusing him of being negative every time he brings up a household or car repair that needs to happen.
10. By leaving a trail of “forensic evidence” that indicates exactly what Id been doing from the time he left the house till the time he came home.
11. By telling the four year old we are going shopping and then making him stay till the end of the Jimmy Neutron episode.
12. By calling him at 4pm and begging him to come home when the kids are fussy and Im home with them. And then calling every twenty minutes to see if he is on his way.
13. By telling him I can’t leave the house till I come up with a subject for my Thursday Thirteen. (although, I think he was secretly delighted to help with this one)
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
New York City: A chipmunk town.
Ok adorability warning: If you are sick of cute four year old stories stop reading now. One of the delightful surprises of some of today's kid's movies is that they include really cool soundtracks. What we are listening to right now on a daily basis is the Shrek 2 soundtrack. I can deal with this because it includes Tom Waits, The Eels, and a few other little treats. But because we saw Shrek 2 about seven times at the dollar movies (Gill was working late a lot and it was winter...what can i say) Norm knows the whole sequence of music in the movie and insists on listening to it in correct order. I dont really mind this because of the constant waves of cuteness that come from the back seat. At first I thought there could be nothing more endearing than hearing that sweet little voice sing "I like my town with a little drop of poison". Then I would notice when Jennifer Saunders (you might remember her as Edina from "Absolutely Fabulous") did her lounge act version of "Holding out for a Hero", my little guy was in the back just chiming in with the "ahhh ahhh ahhhh" and belting out the entire song. It reached ubercute levels when i would hear him in the shower "inside outside labeebanoka" (la vida loca) or wandering around the house muttering "she took my heart and she took my money, she must have slipped me a sleeping pill" Tonight we reached critical cute mass as we were unloading groceries and he says "mommy, thats it! New York City is a chipmunk town" (funky cheap motel) And as I tried to explain, he insisted I was just hearing it wrong. I had to succumb to the adorability of it all. Now all that is left of me is an overindulgent puddling mess of mom goo.
props to the fabulous jesse for this one....
Grammatical pet-peeve: Saying "we was". Why don't you go duel some banjos there cletus?
Household pet peeve: Crusty cereal dishes. Or any crusted food really. Rinse the damn bowl. Its not like we've paid the water bill since April anyway. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Arts & Entertainment pet peeve: Previews for scary movies that scare the hell out of you. I dont need this while Im watching Jihad In The Media at 1am.
Liturgical pet peeve: Windy prayers. Dude, you are boring GOD ok? Nice thing about unitarians. You dont get windy silences.
Wild card: Oh god so many things. Inattentive servers. Pretty much anything my spouse does. Losing my money card or driver's license. Running out of hot water in the shower. When a fast food place screws up my order. Ill stop now.
Bonus: What could I do that may irritate other? Without a doubt my tardiness problem. Which of course Im late right now
Household pet peeve: Crusty cereal dishes. Or any crusted food really. Rinse the damn bowl. Its not like we've paid the water bill since April anyway. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Arts & Entertainment pet peeve: Previews for scary movies that scare the hell out of you. I dont need this while Im watching Jihad In The Media at 1am.
Liturgical pet peeve: Windy prayers. Dude, you are boring GOD ok? Nice thing about unitarians. You dont get windy silences.
Wild card: Oh god so many things. Inattentive servers. Pretty much anything my spouse does. Losing my money card or driver's license. Running out of hot water in the shower. When a fast food place screws up my order. Ill stop now.
Bonus: What could I do that may irritate other? Without a doubt my tardiness problem. Which of course Im late right now
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
avoidance of work reports
I have absolutely nothing to offer the blogosphere today. My tooth hurts. I think Im going to need a root canal. Gill is irritating the hell out of Norm by trying to make him play a tantagram game. How many ways can Norm say "I dont want to play this daddy" before Gill gets the point? No thats not rhetorical. Ive counted seven so far.
Today is the Turnip's first birthday. He is one year and forty five minutes old right now. And almost five times bigger than he was at birth. We just sang happy birthday. He was alarmed but he didnt cry. He was more like "what the hell are you guys doing?" To add to the strangeness, I kind of screwed up the birthday cake. Sometimes I don't know what possesses me to make bad choices, but instead of getting a cute animal cake (because they didn't have monkeys and we are doing his party in monkeys. No his party is not tonight. No nobody would have known) I bought some bizarre single layered red cake with cream cheese frosting. It wasnt even identified on the label. I have no idea what possessed me to buy this cake. Because I could see the red peeking through? The cake wasnt ....bad. It was just weird. Not something you would seek out, but you would probably eat it if it was in front of you. Unless you were Norm, who only ate the blue flower icing.
So Im mildly discouraged and not wanting to write two reports that are due tomorrow. In the background, Gill is saying, "Im going to make a better tantagram set". Yeah thats exactly the problem. Not the fact that the kid has an entire regurgitated toy store in his home, its that the cut up pieces of cardboard can actually be more inviting if you just "make it better". Norm just wants to play "crabby patty restaurant" (not the crusty crab mind you. Apparently he is worried about copyright infringement) with spiderman and batman. No villains. No fighting. I guess this is part of turning to the ways of good. Ok thats all I got today and as if on cue, the phone rings and the bastards at children's place who screwed me over are calling from collection. I think Im going to go snuggle the turnip before I get to work. We need that today.
Today is the Turnip's first birthday. He is one year and forty five minutes old right now. And almost five times bigger than he was at birth. We just sang happy birthday. He was alarmed but he didnt cry. He was more like "what the hell are you guys doing?" To add to the strangeness, I kind of screwed up the birthday cake. Sometimes I don't know what possesses me to make bad choices, but instead of getting a cute animal cake (because they didn't have monkeys and we are doing his party in monkeys. No his party is not tonight. No nobody would have known) I bought some bizarre single layered red cake with cream cheese frosting. It wasnt even identified on the label. I have no idea what possessed me to buy this cake. Because I could see the red peeking through? The cake wasnt ....bad. It was just weird. Not something you would seek out, but you would probably eat it if it was in front of you. Unless you were Norm, who only ate the blue flower icing.
So Im mildly discouraged and not wanting to write two reports that are due tomorrow. In the background, Gill is saying, "Im going to make a better tantagram set". Yeah thats exactly the problem. Not the fact that the kid has an entire regurgitated toy store in his home, its that the cut up pieces of cardboard can actually be more inviting if you just "make it better". Norm just wants to play "crabby patty restaurant" (not the crusty crab mind you. Apparently he is worried about copyright infringement) with spiderman and batman. No villains. No fighting. I guess this is part of turning to the ways of good. Ok thats all I got today and as if on cue, the phone rings and the bastards at children's place who screwed me over are calling from collection. I think Im going to go snuggle the turnip before I get to work. We need that today.
Monday, July 17, 2006
my last words....
| Your Famous Last Words Will Be: |
 "I can pass this guy." |
Holy crap, I can see Madame Fabu right now reading this with her life passing before her eyes. She suspected this would be the case for quite some time. I cant believe how accurate this is! (thanks again Jen "factor 10")
Saturday, July 15, 2006
my celtic horoscope
Thanks Jen (factor 10) for this one!
| You Are A Cedar Tree |
 You are elegant yet unpretentious, modest yet vivacious. Attractive and friendly, you are full of imagination but might lack passion. You abhor vulgar people, and you don't like anything in excess. You have little more ambition than to live a calm life and enjoy nature. You create a content, peaceful atmosphere for others. |
For someone who has been given the nickname chaotic crse, this is kind of a surprise. Thanks Jen, (factor 10) for this one!
moment of clarity (the smelly cat ladies post)
Note to self: Do not post pictures of your children on the net and then write scathing things about how absurd those involved in corrupt activities in your town behave. Instead lets talk about the crazy cat ladies.
http://www.courttv.com/news/2006/0712/haas_ctv.html (Im a closet court tv JUNKIE) I read this and being involved in the study of people, I can't help but ask myself, what makes you cross that line to being the crazy smelly cat ladies. There has to be a critical point where you decide not to follow societal norms anymore and suddenly it doesn't seem like such a big jump between housing a hundred cats against health code regulations and hiding your mother's corpse. Obviously mental illness is a factor. It isn't uncommon for more than one person to be mentally ill when they grow up in a dysfunctional family. But I keep wondering, what the hell happened? They are both smiling in their mug shots. Was there ever a sense of normalcy in their lives where they knew that having a hundred cats was a bad idea? They clearly knew the corpse hiding thing was not good as they told the cops their mother was "travelling". Yet, although the results are still questionable, reports indicate that the corpse did not appear to suffer trauma.
How did she die? Why did they hide her? Whats up with all the cats? This is the kind of story I would want to read an entire book about.
http://www.courttv.com/news/2006/0712/haas_ctv.html (Im a closet court tv JUNKIE) I read this and being involved in the study of people, I can't help but ask myself, what makes you cross that line to being the crazy smelly cat ladies. There has to be a critical point where you decide not to follow societal norms anymore and suddenly it doesn't seem like such a big jump between housing a hundred cats against health code regulations and hiding your mother's corpse. Obviously mental illness is a factor. It isn't uncommon for more than one person to be mentally ill when they grow up in a dysfunctional family. But I keep wondering, what the hell happened? They are both smiling in their mug shots. Was there ever a sense of normalcy in their lives where they knew that having a hundred cats was a bad idea? They clearly knew the corpse hiding thing was not good as they told the cops their mother was "travelling". Yet, although the results are still questionable, reports indicate that the corpse did not appear to suffer trauma.
How did she die? Why did they hide her? Whats up with all the cats? This is the kind of story I would want to read an entire book about.
Friday, July 14, 2006
perfect ending to a gruelling friday!
Ok this is truly the best justice league episode ever.
I cant help but share some highlights along the way.
Ok the episode starts with some army deal. I wasnt paying much attention because I was actually trying to write a blog about the smelly cat ladies with their decomposing mother's corpse
I first start paying attention when Flash and Green Lantern are arguing because Flash "needs the money" he is going to be paid for something i didnt catch. Scene changes and they are outside looking at the "Flashmobile". A conversion van painted with the Flash scheme. The little spare tire thing says "wild thing". Green lantern asks why he needs this van. Then says "never mind". (Yeah GL with you and Hawkgirl, its all nice and sexy tense but dont get so haughty because nobody really wants to think what would be going on with the wings in your more intimate moments either....or do they?) Flash opens the back and the inside is completely pimped out with a purple leopard bed spread lava lamp set up. Ok I realize this is a family show but if you can allude to Flash having sex, doesnt it beg the question....how do they expect us to believe that any woman will want a man who is so....fast?)
Quote - Wonder Woman- "What's wrong with the way I dress?" What can I even write here? She is Wonder Woman!
Flash is doing a commercial? For something that prevents cramping burning and itching? And he has an agent. Who just referred to WW as "that big gal with the rope". The scene ends with flash telling off the director "This bites. Your commercial sucks. You are a no talent hack and your donuts are stale."
Ok Wonder Woman just called Mr. Foulman (the agent) a "slimy little weasel". Most of this came from the subplot, not the real plot.
Sometimes I say to myself it is ridiculous to be almost 36 years old and watching cartoons. Then I realize Im watching better quality programming than I would be if I were watching any given reality show. The show ended up being a "to be continued" so I will keep you posted tomorrow. Back to the smelly cat ladies post....
just a random thought
If I was taking out my trash and turned around to batman standing behind me, i would probably shit myself. They never show that happening on the cartoon. I wonder why.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Thursday 13
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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1. If you happen to be a mental health professional, you know better. You tell people firmly not to do this. In fact, lets start this list by acknowledging that you are a complete idiot for allowing yourself to get into this position in the first place.
2. You honestly have better things to do with your time than composing hate emails to Taco Bell, listing the various infractions their employees have…well…infracted upon you over the past two weeks as you are nursing your sudden sick cravings for your own bastardized version of the fiesta salad that nobody can really understand without a diagram anyway..
3. When you are going off more than one med, think about how it is going to play out. Having no attention span AND a nasty disposition AND paranoia does not a good wife/friend/mother/employer/employee make.
4. Sending paranoid texts to your direct supervisor when she asks if you are ok does not make you look professional nor does it make you look stable.
5. Neither does getting sick with anxiety that every meeting scheduled is going to be a surprise intervention about your poor administrative/leadership skills.
6.When you are at the gas station, you do not seem reasonable when you fly into a blind rage because someone else in your family “took” your .40 cents a gallon fuel perks.
7. You also do not seem reasonable when your spouse makes an offhand remark like “Im going to cut the grass” and your reply is “Why are you so hateful?”
8.“Why do you have to be so stupid?” is not a viable response when dealing with co-workers who ask you questions.
9.Your dentist is not secretly punishing you for missing three appointments by getting in cheap sucker punches when he pulls a tooth (ok im not all that convinced on that one)
10. You might feel better if you stop thinking of your home as a pit of financial despair. (after all, framing is everything).
11. Your children are probably not destined to be serial killers despite the extensive list of parenting mistakes you see yourself making every day.
12. There is no real physical way that you can feel the dust from the impure air in your house settle in your lungs. That has to be psychosomatic. It HAS to be.
13.It is not your fault if the cashier takes your peanut butter and puts it with the person in front of you. Just because you didn’t speak up does not mean you burdened someone with unwanted peanut butter to the point that they are thinking you are an idiot even though they don’t know you. In fact, they are probably thinking, “Hey where did this peanut butter come from?”
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
13 Things To Bear In Mind If You Are Going Off Your Celexa Without Telling Your Psychiatrist
1. If you happen to be a mental health professional, you know better. You tell people firmly not to do this. In fact, lets start this list by acknowledging that you are a complete idiot for allowing yourself to get into this position in the first place.
2. You honestly have better things to do with your time than composing hate emails to Taco Bell, listing the various infractions their employees have…well…infracted upon you over the past two weeks as you are nursing your sudden sick cravings for your own bastardized version of the fiesta salad that nobody can really understand without a diagram anyway..
3. When you are going off more than one med, think about how it is going to play out. Having no attention span AND a nasty disposition AND paranoia does not a good wife/friend/mother/employer/employee make.
4. Sending paranoid texts to your direct supervisor when she asks if you are ok does not make you look professional nor does it make you look stable.
5. Neither does getting sick with anxiety that every meeting scheduled is going to be a surprise intervention about your poor administrative/leadership skills.
6.When you are at the gas station, you do not seem reasonable when you fly into a blind rage because someone else in your family “took” your .40 cents a gallon fuel perks.
7. You also do not seem reasonable when your spouse makes an offhand remark like “Im going to cut the grass” and your reply is “Why are you so hateful?”
8.“Why do you have to be so stupid?” is not a viable response when dealing with co-workers who ask you questions.
9.Your dentist is not secretly punishing you for missing three appointments by getting in cheap sucker punches when he pulls a tooth (ok im not all that convinced on that one)
10. You might feel better if you stop thinking of your home as a pit of financial despair. (after all, framing is everything).
11. Your children are probably not destined to be serial killers despite the extensive list of parenting mistakes you see yourself making every day.
12. There is no real physical way that you can feel the dust from the impure air in your house settle in your lungs. That has to be psychosomatic. It HAS to be.
13.It is not your fault if the cashier takes your peanut butter and puts it with the person in front of you. Just because you didn’t speak up does not mean you burdened someone with unwanted peanut butter to the point that they are thinking you are an idiot even though they don’t know you. In fact, they are probably thinking, “Hey where did this peanut butter come from?”
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
day care blues
"Im not going there ever ever again Mommy."
"honey I know. We had a nice vacation and its fun when Aunt G watches you- but mommy has got to back to work."
"Ok but this is the last day and Im not ever ever going back mommy"
"If I quit my job, there will be no more new toys and no more cartoons"
"Dont talk to me ANYMORE mommy"
(reality freaking sucks buddy)
("Debt is all around us isnt it mommy")
This is the face Im dealing with.
The conversation continues "Remember mommy last year when I got crazymad when I throwed my plane against the back of the computer?"
"yeah buddy when daddy was in puerto rico" (We LOVE it when daddy travels)
"I was really mad and sad that day wasnt I mommy?"
(Life freaking sucks sometime) "Yeah buddy you were."
In the midst of this, Madame Fabu calls looking for paperwork that was due last week. Shit. She has a way of being very comforting about this stuff. Kind of like telling you factually but cheerfully and without judgment exactly how you screwed up and what needs to happen. My boss is like that too. We always say that she is the only person who can completely reprimand you and you still leave the office feeling better about yourself, your job and life in general. So now I need to abandon the day-care intervention (which Gill believes is based on highly manipulative four year old behavior but we don't even want to go into Gill's "russian gulag of love" parenting style at this point) and whip out a report for Madame Fabu so I can send it before I actually leave for work.
This is a perspective of what I am dealin
g with as I write. This would be the Turnip trying to help. (Note mr. half dressed oliver twist in the background). He really likes the green button on my laptop. The on/off button.
Somehow i got the report written and the monkeys readied and wrangled into the car seats. The drop off of course was horrible. It usually is. Think Sophie's Choice meets Casablanca meets every devastating break up you ever had. We have a deal. If Norm can get through the drop off without making me cry, he gets a surprise. Today was not that day. As Im prying him off of me, and he is saying "I dont want a surprise, I just want to be with you" and all I want to do is hold him till he is maybe seven years old and interested in going on his own, I am once again faced with the realization that I did something really wrong with this one. I just don't know what it is.
Happily, the turnip is much easier in his separation. There was a new woman in his room today. He was like "oh hey! you look squishy! lets have some vanilla wafers together!" He didnt even notice when I left the room.
Now I am home and about to do more work but will take a break to take Norm to get a surprise because he earned it back by helping Gill clean the living room just now. And we get to do it all over again tomorrow.
Monday, July 10, 2006
tense grumpy post
That really wants to make you keep reading huh? Im sitting here in my living room watching power rangers mystic force. The rangers just fought a guy who acted like a skeleton monster version of zoolander. They had to fight this guy without their powers. They won zoolander's respect. Norm and the turnip are playing together on the floor. A commercial just came on for debt management. Norm said "debt is all around us, isnt it mommy?". Yeah buddy it is.
Today was my first day back at work since vacation. I didnt go "into the field" but I made phonecalls, sent emails and worked on stuff here. I am feeling that familiar tension I always feel when I start back to work. That sense of dread that Im fucking everything up and I don't know what the hell Im doing. The fraud syndrome. The thing is, I know Im a good therapist. But doing therapy is about 1/4 of what I do. When Im doing therapy i feel ok. Its the other stuff. The politics. The administrative stuff. The paperwork. Ack.
The weird thing is, I COMPLETELY love my job. Its such a perfect crse job. My boss is amazing. A total mentor. She has taught me more than i can even tell you. She also thinks like us. Or we think like her. She is my professional hero. And she is really funny and cool personally too. AND my direct supervisor is none other than Madame Fabu (of the out of state Fabus). (Having one of your best friends supervise you can be challenging for many reasons. Thats a blog in itself. Strangely none of the challenges are interpersonal. I take direction from her very well as she is an oldest child and Im a middle child) The flip side to this is that i dont worry about getting written up or fired really. If that ever happens, I wont take it personally. I worry a LOT about disappointing these women. To the point that tonight, as Im sitting here writing this, watching power rangers and working on a social story about growing up and boundaries changing and having ABSOLUTELY NO CLEAR WAY to describe this to a child who already struggles with social stories, Im having a random wave of panic that will not go away that represents some sort of failure brewing professionally and i cant figure out what it is. Hence...the tense grumpy post. BTW now we are waiting for duck dodgers to start.
Today was my first day back at work since vacation. I didnt go "into the field" but I made phonecalls, sent emails and worked on stuff here. I am feeling that familiar tension I always feel when I start back to work. That sense of dread that Im fucking everything up and I don't know what the hell Im doing. The fraud syndrome. The thing is, I know Im a good therapist. But doing therapy is about 1/4 of what I do. When Im doing therapy i feel ok. Its the other stuff. The politics. The administrative stuff. The paperwork. Ack.
The weird thing is, I COMPLETELY love my job. Its such a perfect crse job. My boss is amazing. A total mentor. She has taught me more than i can even tell you. She also thinks like us. Or we think like her. She is my professional hero. And she is really funny and cool personally too. AND my direct supervisor is none other than Madame Fabu (of the out of state Fabus). (Having one of your best friends supervise you can be challenging for many reasons. Thats a blog in itself. Strangely none of the challenges are interpersonal. I take direction from her very well as she is an oldest child and Im a middle child) The flip side to this is that i dont worry about getting written up or fired really. If that ever happens, I wont take it personally. I worry a LOT about disappointing these women. To the point that tonight, as Im sitting here writing this, watching power rangers and working on a social story about growing up and boundaries changing and having ABSOLUTELY NO CLEAR WAY to describe this to a child who already struggles with social stories, Im having a random wave of panic that will not go away that represents some sort of failure brewing professionally and i cant figure out what it is. Hence...the tense grumpy post. BTW now we are waiting for duck dodgers to start.
| You Are Bad Girl Sexy |
 Girl, you are nothing but trouble. And that's hot. You've got the classic bad girl sexiness mojo going on. And your badass attitude makes men fear you - and crave you. Don't give into people who say to tone it down. You're perfect as is. |
ok this surprised the hell out of me. but dont worry, despite the fact that a drinking problem was clearly indicated by these results, Im no quitter! About the men? i dont think they crave me. i think they just fear me.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
a cry for help
Ok i realize my blog is a mess. My friend Lucky Buzz, who is largely responsible for my descent into the blogosphere, tried to help me straighten it out when she was here. Through no fault of hers, distractions were a plenty and i have no recollection whatsoever. I want to fix my blog. I want to be able to be a good host. I realize I refer to folks that without re-reading all my backposts, you would not know who they were. I realize that you should be able to hit anyone I reference within my blogs and go to there sites. I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. Does anyone have a good place to start? I went to the blogrolling page. Im going to try to work on that. If anyone has tips, I would sincerely appreciate them. Dont feel like you would be insulting my intelligence. I have no pride right now. Just...a big mess.
my first meme post
Thanks LB!
1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?No
2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters? Are you kidding? Sometimes i have to close them on merry go rounds!
3. When's the last time you've been sledding?When I was pregnant with the Turnip. Not the smartest choice but it was a "protect all the children in the family from my crazy brother" situation.
4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? Depends on the someone else.
5. Do you believe in ghosts? Hell yes
6. Do you consider yourself creative? Not in ways that count or could benefit me.
7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?Yes.
8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? "Oh, puh-leese. Angelina Jolie. Why is Jennifer Aniston even someone whose name I know?" LB youve encapsulated it.
9. Do you stay friends with your ex's? Actually, Im the worst breaker upper EVER so through no fault of their own probably the answer is no.
10. Do you know how to play poker? Poker? I hardly know her! (sorry that was totally self indulgent)
11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?Yes.
12. What's your favourite commercial? The guy who throws the cactus at his friend to prove how likeable his co-worker is
13. What are you allergic to? Certain pollens, dust etc. and anything norm asks me to do that i dont want to do (e.g. yesterday i was allergic to elephants)
14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?I should add more my town blogging about this. Yes.
15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? Yes. This worries me that I might eventually go insane one day.
16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? Red sox baby.
17. Have you ever been Ice Skating? Nope
18. How often do you remember your dreams? Lately, they have been vague and horrifying
19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? I cant tell you WHEN they occurred because its a blur but I can allude to what they were. Two things "Ix-nay on the othermucker-fay" was the first and "J- threw me against the wall and it didnt even huht" (with a beautifully executed high falsetto dropped r) was the second.
20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles? Yes.
21. What's the one thing on your mind now? Someone needs to give us money.
22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass Barbie is? She is one of my best friends. How do YOU know her?
23. Do you always wear your seat belt? I should. More than I used to.
24. What cell service do you use? Cellular One . Not happy.
25. Do you like Sushi? If you are reading this and you know me, you are laughing at that question.In short? No.
26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? I dont know (knocking and knocking and knocking on wood too).
27. What do you wear to bed?T-shirt
28. Been caught stealing? no
29. What shoe size do you have? 8-12/9. LB I TOLD you you are getting taller!
30. Do you truly hate anyone? Only in the kindergarten way.
31. Classic Rock or Rap?Classic Rock.
32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?Mr. Future Luckybuzz, for starters. LB Im sticking with that one.
33. Favourite Song? "Too many. Silly question." and with that.
34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror? "uh, not on purpose." and that.
35. What food do you find disgusting? Anything I cant understand. Left overs. Anything with onions, peppers, mushrooms or anything from the cabbage family.
36. Do you sing in the shower?Only every single day! That I bathe anyway.
.37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yoeven urs"? I was never good at that game. I was more of "show me yours. Ok thank you"
38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back? No just to their faces.
39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? Thats pretty much my job description.
40. Have you ever been punched in the face? Besides a suspicious incident with my dentist who i think was being passive aggressive during an extraction recently, no.
1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?No
2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters? Are you kidding? Sometimes i have to close them on merry go rounds!
3. When's the last time you've been sledding?When I was pregnant with the Turnip. Not the smartest choice but it was a "protect all the children in the family from my crazy brother" situation.
4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? Depends on the someone else.
5. Do you believe in ghosts? Hell yes
6. Do you consider yourself creative? Not in ways that count or could benefit me.
7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?Yes.
8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? "Oh, puh-leese. Angelina Jolie. Why is Jennifer Aniston even someone whose name I know?" LB youve encapsulated it.
9. Do you stay friends with your ex's? Actually, Im the worst breaker upper EVER so through no fault of their own probably the answer is no.
10. Do you know how to play poker? Poker? I hardly know her! (sorry that was totally self indulgent)
11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?Yes.
12. What's your favourite commercial? The guy who throws the cactus at his friend to prove how likeable his co-worker is
13. What are you allergic to? Certain pollens, dust etc. and anything norm asks me to do that i dont want to do (e.g. yesterday i was allergic to elephants)
14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?I should add more my town blogging about this. Yes.
15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? Yes. This worries me that I might eventually go insane one day.
16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? Red sox baby.
17. Have you ever been Ice Skating? Nope
18. How often do you remember your dreams? Lately, they have been vague and horrifying
19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? I cant tell you WHEN they occurred because its a blur but I can allude to what they were. Two things "Ix-nay on the othermucker-fay" was the first and "J- threw me against the wall and it didnt even huht" (with a beautifully executed high falsetto dropped r) was the second.
20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles? Yes.
21. What's the one thing on your mind now? Someone needs to give us money.
22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass Barbie is? She is one of my best friends. How do YOU know her?
23. Do you always wear your seat belt? I should. More than I used to.
24. What cell service do you use? Cellular One . Not happy.
25. Do you like Sushi? If you are reading this and you know me, you are laughing at that question.In short? No.
26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? I dont know (knocking and knocking and knocking on wood too).
27. What do you wear to bed?T-shirt
28. Been caught stealing? no
29. What shoe size do you have? 8-12/9. LB I TOLD you you are getting taller!
30. Do you truly hate anyone? Only in the kindergarten way.
31. Classic Rock or Rap?Classic Rock.
32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?Mr. Future Luckybuzz, for starters. LB Im sticking with that one.
33. Favourite Song? "Too many. Silly question." and with that.
34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror? "uh, not on purpose." and that.
35. What food do you find disgusting? Anything I cant understand. Left overs. Anything with onions, peppers, mushrooms or anything from the cabbage family.
36. Do you sing in the shower?Only every single day! That I bathe anyway.
.37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yoeven urs"? I was never good at that game. I was more of "show me yours. Ok thank you"
38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back? No just to their faces.
39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? Thats pretty much my job description.
40. Have you ever been punched in the face? Besides a suspicious incident with my dentist who i think was being passive aggressive during an extraction recently, no.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
medieval faire highlights
One thing Ive noticed about me lately? Im extremely annoyable. I go from perfectly content to pitchfork and torch levels of rage within seconds . So far, ive not physically damaged anyone (and my kids have me WAY too wrapped to incite this in me) but today was truly a test.
Ill preface this by explaining that our Fabu friends from another state (they need a nickname. I think I will call them the Fabus) usually accompany us on weekend adventures and this particular one is a yearly event. (We didnt go last year because the turnip was being born and his entry into the world was quite dramatic and drawn out. He's made up for it since as he is a completely mellow little ray of sunshine) Do I look forward to the event itself? Not really but the kids love it, sometimes they sell neat stuff, and the Fabus promised I would not have to ride the elephant this year. (begging the questions: did they have this level of elephant exploitation and public shaming in the middle ages? then why is the elephant there for overindulged and impulse control challenged little ones to notice and covet an experience with?) (meaning norm, not the fabu girls. The littlest fabu didnt ride and the oldest fabu rode because she and norm have this symbiotic relationship where she supports him in these things). Knowing my rage levels lately, I should have anticipated that id need to make this list tonight.
COMPLETELY ANNOYING HIGHLIGHTS OF THE MEDIEVAL FAIRE
1. The parking: Ok I realize there were no cars in the middle ages, but this was not the first year our little serfs have held this event. The whole idea of coming early is to park close. Not to be sent to the other end of the forest because some jack ass doesnt realize that weaving the parking like a snake from the bottom of the area to the top will not only be annoying to the faire patrons, but also difficult to direct and somewhat dangerous as CARS KEEP COMING AT YOU AS YOU ARE WALKING IN.
2. The fact that no less than six people threatened to eat my baby. Yes he is cute and chubby. Yes he would make a tasty morsel. Guess what guys? you arent fresh or new with this.
3. The fact that while every other shoppe in the forest takes Master Card and Lady Visa, the food stands take "avaloche money" which means you have to GUESS how much you are going to spend on fare such as ye olde macaroni and cheese and ye olde diet pepsi and do a money exchange. The most "priceless" part? You dont ye olde US dollars exchanged back if you dont spend it all.
4. Porta potties.
5. People with less than spectacular dental work in the first place going to the trouble of blacking out their teeth.
6. Ok I KNOW its supposed to be fun to get in the moment but if you are going to do an accent, PLEASE DO IT CORRECTLY!!! Are you a washing wench? A pirate? From the bronx? COMMIT FOR GOD's SAKE!!!!
7. Ok i know this one is totally me, but calling the dollars "pounds" is annoying and frightening. If something is actually 3 british pounds, its $5.82 (yes i did look it up. Dorkiness and annoyance are not good traits to combine. I apologize)
8. Drunk smelly vendors who think low grade sexual harrassment is a good sales tactic if one does it with a bronx pirate accent.
9. Throwing in random playground equipment. Nothing enhances the faire going experience like having a four year old tugging at you for 5 hours "Mom Mom, I want to go back to that playground Mom", "Mom me and my Fabu want to go on the slides again". Did I mention that the playgrounds were swampy?
10. Seeing the Comic Book Guy from Simpsons personified on stage portraying an emperor with a collection of dancing girls as a way to display the belly dancing performance. Ok these women were somewhat lacking in rhythm and not the most aesthetically pleasing to look at but still, by allowing this to occur, you are merely perpetuating every sexist, demeaning and unrealistic fantasy comic store guys everywhere are having. And probably crippled by.
Well there was more, but Im wrapping up my last vacation day of uncontrolled eating by heading out to taco bell for what is hopefully my last fourthmeal for a long long time.
Thanks for hanging with me on this. I might be as annoying as I am annoyed but if its any consolation to my dear friends who read this, I do feel better.
Ill preface this by explaining that our Fabu friends from another state (they need a nickname. I think I will call them the Fabus) usually accompany us on weekend adventures and this particular one is a yearly event. (We didnt go last year because the turnip was being born and his entry into the world was quite dramatic and drawn out. He's made up for it since as he is a completely mellow little ray of sunshine) Do I look forward to the event itself? Not really but the kids love it, sometimes they sell neat stuff, and the Fabus promised I would not have to ride the elephant this year. (begging the questions: did they have this level of elephant exploitation and public shaming in the middle ages? then why is the elephant there for overindulged and impulse control challenged little ones to notice and covet an experience with?) (meaning norm, not the fabu girls. The littlest fabu didnt ride and the oldest fabu rode because she and norm have this symbiotic relationship where she supports him in these things). Knowing my rage levels lately, I should have anticipated that id need to make this list tonight.
COMPLETELY ANNOYING HIGHLIGHTS OF THE MEDIEVAL FAIRE
1. The parking: Ok I realize there were no cars in the middle ages, but this was not the first year our little serfs have held this event. The whole idea of coming early is to park close. Not to be sent to the other end of the forest because some jack ass doesnt realize that weaving the parking like a snake from the bottom of the area to the top will not only be annoying to the faire patrons, but also difficult to direct and somewhat dangerous as CARS KEEP COMING AT YOU AS YOU ARE WALKING IN.
2. The fact that no less than six people threatened to eat my baby. Yes he is cute and chubby. Yes he would make a tasty morsel. Guess what guys? you arent fresh or new with this.
3. The fact that while every other shoppe in the forest takes Master Card and Lady Visa, the food stands take "avaloche money" which means you have to GUESS how much you are going to spend on fare such as ye olde macaroni and cheese and ye olde diet pepsi and do a money exchange. The most "priceless" part? You dont ye olde US dollars exchanged back if you dont spend it all.
4. Porta potties.
5. People with less than spectacular dental work in the first place going to the trouble of blacking out their teeth.
6. Ok I KNOW its supposed to be fun to get in the moment but if you are going to do an accent, PLEASE DO IT CORRECTLY!!! Are you a washing wench? A pirate? From the bronx? COMMIT FOR GOD's SAKE!!!!
7. Ok i know this one is totally me, but calling the dollars "pounds" is annoying and frightening. If something is actually 3 british pounds, its $5.82 (yes i did look it up. Dorkiness and annoyance are not good traits to combine. I apologize)
8. Drunk smelly vendors who think low grade sexual harrassment is a good sales tactic if one does it with a bronx pirate accent.
9. Throwing in random playground equipment. Nothing enhances the faire going experience like having a four year old tugging at you for 5 hours "Mom Mom, I want to go back to that playground Mom", "Mom me and my Fabu want to go on the slides again". Did I mention that the playgrounds were swampy?
10. Seeing the Comic Book Guy from Simpsons personified on stage portraying an emperor with a collection of dancing girls as a way to display the belly dancing performance. Ok these women were somewhat lacking in rhythm and not the most aesthetically pleasing to look at but still, by allowing this to occur, you are merely perpetuating every sexist, demeaning and unrealistic fantasy comic store guys everywhere are having. And probably crippled by.
Well there was more, but Im wrapping up my last vacation day of uncontrolled eating by heading out to taco bell for what is hopefully my last fourthmeal for a long long time.
Thanks for hanging with me on this. I might be as annoying as I am annoyed but if its any consolation to my dear friends who read this, I do feel better.
Friday, July 07, 2006
my town
I think most of us could agree that towns have distinct personalities. Like New york city is that schizophrenic but hilariously funny aunt you only see on holidays that your parents hate but you adore, although you really dont want her sleeping in your room when she visits. Seattle is like the teenage kid that hangs out at denny's smoking cigarettes and talking philosophy all night long. He would be annoying but he is a really sweet kid. Chicago is like your dad's friend who drinks too much and is always overdressed at barbeques but has amazing food at every gathering.
My town? My town is kind of like a crazy homeless person. You know how crazy homeless people have those rants? well my town's rants have taken form. There are little pockets of crazy all over town and then crazy permeations (is that a word?) that are specific only to this town. A good example would be the tornado sirens going off on tuesday while fireworks were going off for three hours straight all over town. My town is "that" kind of crazy. Im going to leave it at that for tonight. But there is more. Much much more.
*** (add-on) Ok as LB indicated, not only did we keep eating, watch our loved ones set off fireworks and ignore the sirens (no Canada, it wasnt for the festivities, there were tornados spotted within the county, but thanks for giving us the benefit of the doubt!) but despite that LB and I spent a large part of the next few days together and with others who were at the party NOBODY EVEN MENTIONED THAT ANYTHING WAS EVEN REMOTELY AMISS ABOUT THAT NIGHT!!!! And i love this about not only my town but our people.
Also, when my friend FROM ANOTHER STATE CALLED TO CHECK ON ME while i was at the party, i called my father to check on him as he was even closer to the storm than we were. Not only did he not answer nor return the call, but we hung out yesterday and when he discussed the fourth, he merely described the FIREWORKS HE WATCHED ALL NIGHT LONG FROM HIS PORCH. Needless to say, he has lived here all his life.
Another totally "this town" incident that occurred at the party was that that a very goth looking 2o something year old woman with many pierced facial parts and an attitude the size of that tornado, leaned over to me at the party and made a snarky comment about the hosts having limited side dishes. She wanted to know where the cheesy potatoes were. This angry young dude is rebelling against the entire world view in which she was raised. But dammit, she wants her cheesy potatoes on the side. And so do i. (the food was really good over all though. AMAZING PIE) So much more about this town to come. Oh trust me.
My town? My town is kind of like a crazy homeless person. You know how crazy homeless people have those rants? well my town's rants have taken form. There are little pockets of crazy all over town and then crazy permeations (is that a word?) that are specific only to this town. A good example would be the tornado sirens going off on tuesday while fireworks were going off for three hours straight all over town. My town is "that" kind of crazy. Im going to leave it at that for tonight. But there is more. Much much more.
*** (add-on) Ok as LB indicated, not only did we keep eating, watch our loved ones set off fireworks and ignore the sirens (no Canada, it wasnt for the festivities, there were tornados spotted within the county, but thanks for giving us the benefit of the doubt!) but despite that LB and I spent a large part of the next few days together and with others who were at the party NOBODY EVEN MENTIONED THAT ANYTHING WAS EVEN REMOTELY AMISS ABOUT THAT NIGHT!!!! And i love this about not only my town but our people.
Also, when my friend FROM ANOTHER STATE CALLED TO CHECK ON ME while i was at the party, i called my father to check on him as he was even closer to the storm than we were. Not only did he not answer nor return the call, but we hung out yesterday and when he discussed the fourth, he merely described the FIREWORKS HE WATCHED ALL NIGHT LONG FROM HIS PORCH. Needless to say, he has lived here all his life.
Another totally "this town" incident that occurred at the party was that that a very goth looking 2o something year old woman with many pierced facial parts and an attitude the size of that tornado, leaned over to me at the party and made a snarky comment about the hosts having limited side dishes. She wanted to know where the cheesy potatoes were. This angry young dude is rebelling against the entire world view in which she was raised. But dammit, she wants her cheesy potatoes on the side. And so do i. (the food was really good over all though. AMAZING PIE) So much more about this town to come. Oh trust me.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
My first attempt at entering HTML (thanks canada!)
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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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1. Fathers who set limits that are ridiculous without consulting corresponding mothers.
2. People that flush the toilet or otherwise use water when Im showering.
3. People that don't flush the toilet any other time.
4. Finding out the coffee/tea/soda they told you at the restaurant was decaf, wasnt. At 4am when you cant sleep at all.
5. When the server at the restaurant says the sauce isnt chunky or something is onion free and you don't find out they are lying until your food comes.
6. The amish. (dont get me started)
7. People who say they are "only trying to help" as an excuse to be invasive and not think about boundaries
8. People who underestimate me.
9. When one child is up until 130am and the other child wakes up at 7am.
10. People who pronounce the word "mischeeveeous" There is no long ee after the v. It should be mischevess. Phonically that is.
11. People who do not embrace my children as whole human beings and show misogyny through saying derisive things about activities that are socially considered to be female oriented activities.
12. People that think its cute to force my kid to pray out loud in group settings, even while knowing our belief system.
13. Movies that are exciting up until really really lame endings (see xmen 3)
Empty Nest Syndrome
Well Lucky Buzz and Gospel Bob just pulled out to head back home and our house feels emptier already. Its not helping that norm is asking things like "are they coming back tonight?" and "if we have another party, will they come back today?" (we should have asked that one before they left) Here is the thing when they come to visit. Im generally kind of a private person. I like visitors in small doses. Overnight is fine. A few days is fine. The thing about LB and GB? They stayed for close to a month once and I still cried when they left. They fit so well into our home. They have not been here in four years and yet when you would look up and see them wander into a room, it is like they never left. They just BELONG here. They are also good at helping me see things about my life that I tend to not notice. So fair warning? Ill be blogging about my new insights a lot in the next few days. Right now though, I think I might try to institute a family nap. We dont like to sleep a lot when they are here. We are all afraid we might miss something....
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
ways to tell you are having a dysfunctional family holiday
I posted this at my old blog after a particularly stressful spring holiday season (birthday parties, easter, etc) Sadly, everything on the list is from direct experience in my family. I thought the 5th of July was a good time to throw it back out again...
Ways to tell you are having dysfunctional family holidays (a fun list!)
I think this is going to be a list in progress. Its so rich with possibility. This is how we amused ourselves one night at my brother's dinner table....
2. You are more grateful for caller ID on holidays than you are for certain family members.
3. You spent a lot of your card decision making time on finding a card that isnt a complete lie. (If anyone is looking for advice and has kids, Ive found it helpful to address all cards as if they come from the kids and consist of big hearts saying how much your kid loves them. Its so beautifully honest. After all, its not like the card also says, and my kid is a good judge of character.)
4. Pre-holiday discussions with loved ones regarding family contact on the holiday involve the words "pending lawsuit"....ok "lawsuit, restraining order and probation conditions" can also be included.
5. You dont only drink at the holiday gathering, you drink before the holiday gathering to help you cope with the gathering.
6. There is more than a fifty percent chance that you and co-survivors of any given dysfunctional family member(s) will be captured in a conspiratorial picture either clearly mocking or painfully comisserating about said member's behavior.
7. You and co-survivors create private party games like scavenger hunts and (thanks to a certain special someone who is more than welcome to take credit for giving me this idea as i cant wait to try it out on memorial day) drinking games based on shitty comments and behaviors made by said dysfunctional member.
8. There is a certain select group that always linger but instead of an after party, you all refer to it as the aftermath processing session.
9. There is a triage system currently in place by the group for specifically traumatic holiday behavior.
10. Your co-survivors can tell you in detail about events that go by names such as "the potato chip episode" or "the kwanzaa incident". (Yes I was involved in the kwanzaa incident, but in my defense: a) even if i did like her, i would have been that forceful as i will not let people promote racism around my children b) Yes I did jump from the couch but I was NOT going to hit her. Thankfully, it never even crossed my mind to do so. Apparently, that was just the perspective of those in the room and c) I was pregnant and didnt actually call her any names. I deserve a freaking medal for that).
11. You don't send out holiday cards to people who know certain family members because they might find out where you live and things like...well you have more children than you did before.
PLEASE feel free to add on to the list!
Ways to tell you are having dysfunctional family holidays (a fun list!)
I think this is going to be a list in progress. Its so rich with possibility. This is how we amused ourselves one night at my brother's dinner table....
2. You are more grateful for caller ID on holidays than you are for certain family members.
3. You spent a lot of your card decision making time on finding a card that isnt a complete lie. (If anyone is looking for advice and has kids, Ive found it helpful to address all cards as if they come from the kids and consist of big hearts saying how much your kid loves them. Its so beautifully honest. After all, its not like the card also says, and my kid is a good judge of character.)
4. Pre-holiday discussions with loved ones regarding family contact on the holiday involve the words "pending lawsuit"....ok "lawsuit, restraining order and probation conditions" can also be included.
5. You dont only drink at the holiday gathering, you drink before the holiday gathering to help you cope with the gathering.
6. There is more than a fifty percent chance that you and co-survivors of any given dysfunctional family member(s) will be captured in a conspiratorial picture either clearly mocking or painfully comisserating about said member's behavior.
7. You and co-survivors create private party games like scavenger hunts and (thanks to a certain special someone who is more than welcome to take credit for giving me this idea as i cant wait to try it out on memorial day) drinking games based on shitty comments and behaviors made by said dysfunctional member.
8. There is a certain select group that always linger but instead of an after party, you all refer to it as the aftermath processing session.
9. There is a triage system currently in place by the group for specifically traumatic holiday behavior.
10. Your co-survivors can tell you in detail about events that go by names such as "the potato chip episode" or "the kwanzaa incident". (Yes I was involved in the kwanzaa incident, but in my defense: a) even if i did like her, i would have been that forceful as i will not let people promote racism around my children b) Yes I did jump from the couch but I was NOT going to hit her. Thankfully, it never even crossed my mind to do so. Apparently, that was just the perspective of those in the room and c) I was pregnant and didnt actually call her any names. I deserve a freaking medal for that).
11. You don't send out holiday cards to people who know certain family members because they might find out where you live and things like...well you have more children than you did before.
PLEASE feel free to add on to the list!
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Norm
Norman is my oldest of two sons. He is a sweet, adorable ray of sunshine who i think we are systematically ruining. (Stay posted for the entry....ways we are screwing up our kids) Despite his gentle appearance here, he is actually quite a little bundle of neurosis. He does not understand children that do not behave and almost puked tonight at a picnic because some little boys got into a berry fight. Norm had no idea why someone would consciously choose to stain themselves in such a manner. I take comfort from the fact that he is not washing his hands compulsively and chanting little cleaning mantras to himself yet.
Gill Smoke
Gill Smoke, aka tall bald curly mustached man aka naggy bitch (but only jokingly by my father on that one) has been my partner in crime/surrogate mother/lovemonkey handler for the past twelve years. We were married in a mexican barrio one monday afternoon in 1994. The setting itself was named after the place where Jesus had his moment of doubt. Well nobody took the bitter cup from Gill either and now we have real jobs, two little boys and a ridiculous house payment because ive shredded our credit so mercilessly. Thankfully, Gill is also an optimist and has a good sense of humor about life. In fact, he is the one who first deemed me a spider monkey and likes to say when we meet people "Living with Crse is like living with an exotic pet. Oh sure she is cute and entertaining but leave her alone too long and she starts flinging poop at the walls." For the record, I myself have never flung poop. The turnip has eaten poop, but despite ensuing panic, no flinging was involved in that either.
normisms
As usual, a work in progress....
(To the turnip in a very disappointed voice) "You make Elmo sad. Very very sad."
(When I asked how he was doing when he called me on his new Pirates of the caribbean phone)-"Oh just sitting here. Waiting for you to pick up the phone. Thats all."
(when we were calling to Gill and he was not answering) "I think you are gonna need your bitchy yell Mom."
(to the turnip in a very sweet voice) Are you my little penis turnip? You are my little penis! Oh yes you are! You are brother's little penis!
"I have three wishes mommy. First wish, I want the justice league to be real. Second wish, I want to be a prince. Third wish, I want to be a cavatelli"
"Thats just an old pioneer joke"
"Its all about the technology Mommy"
"Dont worry, I have the eyes of a condor"
"NO mommy. Do you hear me? P-R-T. NO"
On Kindergarten. "I dont need to go to kendragarten. I already know how to dance."
"What kind of clothes do I wear to kendragarten? Regular clothes or dance clothes?"
(A note he read aloud to me from a piece of sponge bob paper with musical notes on it): "Dear mommy, you are the best rocker mommy ever. You rock. I love you. Signed "norm" "
(after being told that he had to buy presents for other people, instead of shopping for himself) "But mommy, Christmas is about giving and sharing. You are being selfish"
"I dont want the bananas. I just want the split"
"I heard the baby crying a little later ago."
"Well we can go at twelve thirty or one thirty or any thirty you want ok?"
*"Maybe we can go see Princess Fabu (alias) today!" (insert me telling him she is in school)"Aww dammit."
* (when he is mad at me for getting him up for school). "mom Im not going to talk to you till my dying day."
* (at the cemetary while I was trying to track down my grandmother's grave stone) "mom, she is not here. She is dead. Im cold. Can we just go home please?"
* (when I asked why the teacher was doubled over and waving me inside the pool room) "I told the teacher I have a rule that I don't pee in the pool".
* (me) "where do you come up with these great ideas?" (norm) "oh I just imaginate them"
* "will somebody please carry me to the couch? I'm so tired and I feel like an old guy"
* (thanking his "girlfriend" for her birthday party) "Your party was really fun. The cake tasted really good. Oh and the ice cream tasted really good too."
* (upon seeing a sign indicating no bare feet) "That means no foots allowed."
* "It's not your birthday mommy, it's our birthday"
* "Urine? yeah I know what urine is! Its a place with a lot of buildings."
* (at calling hours as we approached the casket of my uncle's mother) "Yep she's dead allright"
* (as we are leaving a restaurant he is singing out loud..) "hit the road, jackass"
* "I dont want to wear shorts today. I want to wear longs."
* (Gill to me) "I had a harried time tonight". (norm) "I had a curly time".
*"daddy we have to have a discussion about you being a dick to mommy"
*(getting up and walking into kitchen where Gill is drinking coffee, saying in a very pleasant tone) "Good morning how are you?" (Gill replies)"How are you buddy?" (Norm in a really nasty tone) "I wasnt talking to YOU. I was talking to my GOLDFISH!"
* "do ants like coffee?"
* "Im trying very hard to turn to the ways of good"
* (when a ten year old girl smiled at him from her car) - "that girl smiled at me mommy. She must love me."
* (why do they always involve bathroom humor?) (preface this one by explaining I always use wipes to wipe him after his business, but we were out so I had to use toilet paper) "Its ok Mommy, Daddy always uses toilet paper.....OUCH MOMMY! You have to do it smooth and careful like daddy!"
*(Gill)- "Pick it up! One-Two" (Norm)- "Im going to Im going to! Don't say 3 because Im already going to."
* "Lets be evil friends."- If you know Gill, you know why this is so great.
*(me) "are you tired buddy?"
(norm) "No I just feel normal sized."
*"Mommy you shouldnt say asshole because asshole is a bad word. Instead, say oh tartar sauce"
*"this is my puppy. His name is Turnip. He eats poop sometimes."
* "Those assholes at dairy queen screwed up my order" (I had to ask what happened to tartar sauce?)
*(his friend) "I have a tv in my room that is princess pink."
(Norm) " Yes well the tv in my room is sharktooth black"
*"When we use up the baby, can we get a dog?"
*(at the drive in) "If we stay for the next movie, Im going to be cold for the rest of my life"
*(Gill)-"I dont know why Im so tired today"
(me)-"I know Im tired because I ate too much sugar."
(norm, in a sweet tone, out of the blue) "Im tired because I hate you guys"
(Gill) "Yeah buddy, hating people will make you tired. It takes a lot of energy."
*(telling the story of how the lawn mower broke) (I know. Nobody has pointed fingers yet, but I have a sick feeling about hitting a metal plug in the yard)- "There daddy was, in the middle of the yard and suddenly it squeaked and then the lawn mower broked and it didnt start nooo more"
*"Mommy is the boss but some times Daddy forgets."
*"Mommy, dont say fucker, its a bad word"
*(During an argument with his friend, picking up my cell phone)- "Im calling the police on you!"
(During same argument)- "Mommy she is really pissing me off. "
*(on the toilet one day) " Little red monster is my friend. He pushes the poop out of my butt."
*(when he had digestive problems)- "My butt puked"
(To the turnip in a very disappointed voice) "You make Elmo sad. Very very sad."
(When I asked how he was doing when he called me on his new Pirates of the caribbean phone)-"Oh just sitting here. Waiting for you to pick up the phone. Thats all."
(when we were calling to Gill and he was not answering) "I think you are gonna need your bitchy yell Mom."
(to the turnip in a very sweet voice) Are you my little penis turnip? You are my little penis! Oh yes you are! You are brother's little penis!
"I have three wishes mommy. First wish, I want the justice league to be real. Second wish, I want to be a prince. Third wish, I want to be a cavatelli"
"Thats just an old pioneer joke"
"Its all about the technology Mommy"
"Dont worry, I have the eyes of a condor"
"NO mommy. Do you hear me? P-R-T. NO"
On Kindergarten. "I dont need to go to kendragarten. I already know how to dance."
"What kind of clothes do I wear to kendragarten? Regular clothes or dance clothes?"
(A note he read aloud to me from a piece of sponge bob paper with musical notes on it): "Dear mommy, you are the best rocker mommy ever. You rock. I love you. Signed "norm" "
(after being told that he had to buy presents for other people, instead of shopping for himself) "But mommy, Christmas is about giving and sharing. You are being selfish"
"I dont want the bananas. I just want the split"
"I heard the baby crying a little later ago."
"Well we can go at twelve thirty or one thirty or any thirty you want ok?"
*"Maybe we can go see Princess Fabu (alias) today!" (insert me telling him she is in school)"Aww dammit."
* (when he is mad at me for getting him up for school). "mom Im not going to talk to you till my dying day."
* (at the cemetary while I was trying to track down my grandmother's grave stone) "mom, she is not here. She is dead. Im cold. Can we just go home please?"
* (when I asked why the teacher was doubled over and waving me inside the pool room) "I told the teacher I have a rule that I don't pee in the pool".
* (me) "where do you come up with these great ideas?" (norm) "oh I just imaginate them"
* "will somebody please carry me to the couch? I'm so tired and I feel like an old guy"
* (thanking his "girlfriend" for her birthday party) "Your party was really fun. The cake tasted really good. Oh and the ice cream tasted really good too."
* (upon seeing a sign indicating no bare feet) "That means no foots allowed."
* "It's not your birthday mommy, it's our birthday"
* "Urine? yeah I know what urine is! Its a place with a lot of buildings."
* (at calling hours as we approached the casket of my uncle's mother) "Yep she's dead allright"
* (as we are leaving a restaurant he is singing out loud..) "hit the road, jackass"
* "I dont want to wear shorts today. I want to wear longs."
* (Gill to me) "I had a harried time tonight". (norm) "I had a curly time".
*"daddy we have to have a discussion about you being a dick to mommy"
*(getting up and walking into kitchen where Gill is drinking coffee, saying in a very pleasant tone) "Good morning how are you?" (Gill replies)"How are you buddy?" (Norm in a really nasty tone) "I wasnt talking to YOU. I was talking to my GOLDFISH!"
* "do ants like coffee?"
* "Im trying very hard to turn to the ways of good"
* (when a ten year old girl smiled at him from her car) - "that girl smiled at me mommy. She must love me."
* (why do they always involve bathroom humor?) (preface this one by explaining I always use wipes to wipe him after his business, but we were out so I had to use toilet paper) "Its ok Mommy, Daddy always uses toilet paper.....OUCH MOMMY! You have to do it smooth and careful like daddy!"
*(Gill)- "Pick it up! One-Two" (Norm)- "Im going to Im going to! Don't say 3 because Im already going to."
* "Lets be evil friends."- If you know Gill, you know why this is so great.
*(me) "are you tired buddy?"
(norm) "No I just feel normal sized."
*"Mommy you shouldnt say asshole because asshole is a bad word. Instead, say oh tartar sauce"
*"this is my puppy. His name is Turnip. He eats poop sometimes."
* "Those assholes at dairy queen screwed up my order" (I had to ask what happened to tartar sauce?)
*(his friend) "I have a tv in my room that is princess pink."
(Norm) " Yes well the tv in my room is sharktooth black"
*"When we use up the baby, can we get a dog?"
*(at the drive in) "If we stay for the next movie, Im going to be cold for the rest of my life"
*(Gill)-"I dont know why Im so tired today"
(me)-"I know Im tired because I ate too much sugar."
(norm, in a sweet tone, out of the blue) "Im tired because I hate you guys"
(Gill) "Yeah buddy, hating people will make you tired. It takes a lot of energy."
*(telling the story of how the lawn mower broke) (I know. Nobody has pointed fingers yet, but I have a sick feeling about hitting a metal plug in the yard)- "There daddy was, in the middle of the yard and suddenly it squeaked and then the lawn mower broked and it didnt start nooo more"
*"Mommy is the boss but some times Daddy forgets."
*"Mommy, dont say fucker, its a bad word"
*(During an argument with his friend, picking up my cell phone)- "Im calling the police on you!"
(During same argument)- "Mommy she is really pissing me off. "
*(on the toilet one day) " Little red monster is my friend. He pushes the poop out of my butt."
*(when he had digestive problems)- "My butt puked"
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