Sunday, August 13, 2006

A VERY RAMBLY POST about relationships (I think?)

My Best Friend Kim broke up with her boyfriend yesterday. I specify her as Best Friend Kim because my Little Friend Molly taught me this trick for clarifying who you are talking about when you have more than one Best Friend. So if I am saying My Best Friend Madame Fabu (which she is among them) or My Best Friend Luckybuzz or Erthy or any of the rest of the gang, you will know who I refer to. BFK is making her debut today. Im blogging about this because she really made me think a lot. Im really glad she did it although he was SUPER nice and someone I would have liked to hang out with which is really significant since she does have an unfortunate history of dating/marrying boys who cant stand me. When I woke up yesterday there were two messages on my voicemail, one saying he stood her up and the other saying that she broke up with him because she decided he just wasnt that into her.

Let me digress by confessing in a half embarrassed way that I cannot stand Sex in the City (the show not the concept of having sex in a city). I found the women incredibly shallow and self-absorbed and somewhat self-loathing as well. (A lot to decide from fifteen minutes of one episode I admit) But Little Friend Molly read the book from the show's writers, called He is Just Not That Into You and she started quoting it. I recommended it to my cousin Larrie quoting the things LFM had told me. Larrie bought the book and decided it would change the way she approached dating which impressed me because Larrie tends to be a little resistant to new ideas at times (I fear this is a family trait). I was so amazed that SHE of all people, would be open to these ideas, that I had to read the book myself. I will interject at this time, the book is not helpful for any relationship that falls outside the dominant (and sometimes suffocating) paradigm of heterosexual relationships. Although, if you are a gay man, it might be helpful. I didnt agree with a lot of the conclusions of what "male behavior" meant based on my own experiences not only in relationships but also with my brothers, male clients and male friends. But the bottom line is, if you get the feeling he isnt giving you what you want, dont waste your time pining away over his "intimacy issues" or whatever. JUST WALK AWAY. Because you deserve better. Such a basic obvious concept but damn if it doesnt strike a note with most of the single women I know.

So back to BFK who read the book after Larrie did and also changed the way she approached dating. She has been dating this fellow, a rather well-to-do man, since May. He is nice, friendly, good to her kids and fun to be around. Also quite generous with the cash. BFK and I are in the same place as most of us are in that we are trying to figure out how to keep our utilities on and not get our cars repossessed etc. This man lives in a COMPLETELY different world than us. He just bought a 250,000 dollar condo. (I need to mention that this gentleman was born into money. He has no concept of what we live like. Think Marie Antoinette, "let them eat cake") BFK and I didnt discuss it much, but I often thought about how marrying someone like that would change her life forever. A total cinderella deal complete with a groovy prince charming.

Well apparently, Friday night, he fell asleep when they were supposed to go to the movies and when he called he was kind of arrogant about it and didnt apologize. Then i think he called saturday morning and let her know he was planning on spending the day alone. She thought about this awhile. She said she had noticed distant behavior all week long. A lot of self-absorption and a general lack of interest. She called him back and basically told him, that this was not what she needed and that she wanted to be with someone who cared so much about about spending time with her that not doing so would be a bummer, not something to plan on. Before really giving him a chance to talk, she broke up with him. He wished her luck and said goodbye.

Today she started questioning her decision. One of her other friends suggested she might have been too hasty, that she might have talked to him first. My thoughts were, yeah it was rash, but does it really matter if in the long run he had "good reasons" for being so dismissive? Does she really want to spend more time with someone trying to figure out how much space is acceptable if the person doesnt want to open up? Maybe it was stress or something else. Or maybe he just wasnt that into her. Either way, she deserves better than that. We all do, male and female. Maybe if she'd been dating him longer, she might have a reason to be more flexible but it has only been 2 and half months and frankly, if you cant keep your good behavior face on that long, well maybe you need to fish at a different pond.

I felt vicariously empowered by her decision. This kind of relates back to a recent incident where I dragged a client and his whole family across a park to a dairy queen parking lot insisting I would pay for everyone only to realize I left my money in the car back at the park. As we were trekking back, my client and his brother being quietly annoyed yet patient, I joked about how this was helping my client build patience. His mother (a VERY GOOD SPORT) mentioned a man she knew in grad school who would "test" dates by deliberately creating situations like the one we were in to see how well they handled themselves. He said if they couldn't be gracious early on, there was no point in pursuing the relationship. She ended the story by saying cheerfully that she imagined Gill had passed a lot of these types of tests. I had to agree thinking back on all the ways I test his patience on a daily basis. I don't do it deliberately, but damn it, Im glad it works. BFK doesn't read my blog I don't think so Im going to tell her this story. I just got off the phone with her and she is over the questioning part and moving forward. Im really proud to be her friend today. I think she is going to find her prince charming not because she needs to but because she wants to and isnt that what its all about anyway?


crse said...

Ok next question. Why does my second link not link back to my archive page, although i used the proper html code and the post page as LB taught me?

factor 10 said...

I can't help you with the techno babble, but bravo to Kim!! When I got to the part about treating everyone to ice cream, I thought to myself...that's about a factor 3 on the Jenfactor scale. In my case, it would have escalated to a six when I realized that there was no money in the car, either. Did your parents ever consider naming you Jennifer?

luckybuzz said...

I second the bravo! to BFK. I love when people actually stand up for what they're worth. :)

I have more comments about this but I'm tired...can we chat soon though?